What have you done now Carl?

I got a dog. And had an argument with my girlfriend. Who also has a dog.

And what does that have to with leaving in an undignified manner?

It’s a very long story.

We’ll put the kettle on, please continue….

I’m not sure you’d look good in a kettle but OK. SOoooo, I just got a new dog, Oscar, very cute and very young.

And this upset your girlfriend and her dog?

Oh no, they both love him too.

So what was the argument about?

Oh god, I can’t remember, I never do. A sex toy I think.

Your new dog ate your girlfriend’s vibrator?

For the sake of argument lets say yes. Anyway, what the argument was about is irrelevant. It’s what followed that has concerned me greatly.

You were mean to something? Someone?

Are you asking that because you know I’m a big, ill-tempered, intimidating, scary man?

Ummm, pretty much yes…

Well, you’re correct. But that’s not what’s concerning me.

That you scare people?

No. That’s one of my better traits. It’s what I did that is more worrying for everyone.

Colour me intrigued. What exactly did you do?

Well, we had words and I stormed out declaring that I was going to sleep in a different room until she became a different person etc. You know the drill.

And?

Halfway down the stairs something occurred to me and I had to storm back.

Why?

I’d forgotten about Oscar and had to go and scoop him up and storm out (again) but this time with him tucked under my arm like a little furry hand-bag.

That is a bit worrying…

Why?

You’re always going on about how important it is to accessorise. We’re not sure we can trust your fashion tips now….

I had a good last word though…

Which was?

“I’m leaving and I’m taking my dog with me…”