Crossroads & Crying.

February 22, 2015February 22, 2015 taratrinity Uncategorized age 30, age thirty, anne hathaway, bipolar, bipolar single mother, dating, depressed, drama, love, loving, no love, parenting, romantic comedy, sad, single life, single mother

Something has been bothering me lately and I am not quite sure what it is. There has been a lot of trauma in the last six months to my life. Turning 30. Sister’s tragic accident. Grandmother (only grandparent I’ve ever been close to) dying. Finding new family. Dealing with the norms without having my sister to cope. Med changes. New job position. I mean, it’s a lot of changes and I have been “acting” really cool about it.

Today I was watching this movie of what I thought was going to be a romantic comedy and boom, she dies. A romantic comedy turned drama in an instant. Something triggered emotions inside of me and I lost it. I was hysterically crying. And I just let it go. I needed it. Like what the fucking fuck!? Who loses it while watching an Anne Hathway flick? Answer: me.

I imagine I have been holding a lot inside of me, and it’s natural to just have it all surface at once. My own emotions ambushed me and it wasn’t pretty. My eyes were bloodshot and swollen and usually I feel better after a good cry. But I didn’t. It was one of those I wouldn’t be able to talk kind of cries that occurred. I think I have been letting a lot of feelings build up inside of me.

One thing that has happened is my love life. It’s non-existent; I’ve been so focused on my music.

Today is one of those snow days where you get stuck inside, a surprise blizzard per se, and for me… it gives me time to think. The worst place for me is an idle mind.. its’ the devil’s playground, and it’s not pretty. No matter how much I tell myself how much I don’t need a relationship (because I’m not good at them) or how much I don’t want to be in love, I suck at it. I want so much to be in love. I have fucked up so many of my romantic relationships, whether they ended because I did it or because they did it – I am terrible at it. I’ve only been truly in love once and now in hindsight, i realize it was mostly my fault.

As someone who has bipolar disorder, you are emotionally high maintenance. It’s up to the other person in the relationship on whether or not they are tolerant enough to handle your craziness. I was needy when I was depressed, I was bossy when I was manic, I was all over the place when I was in a mixed episode, and when I was having a panic attack – the last resort was to commit suicide. I mean, who in their right mind can be with someone like that?

I realized that I was crying because I feel unworthy to be loved. Is it true? Who knows, it’s probably the depression talking. Apparently there’s someone for everyone – but I need someone who is going to be able to handle my lows. My highs and my middle-ground is great, my lows aren’t that often. But when they’re there, they must be scary for the other person.

So many crossroads in my life at the moment and I’m unsure of how to handle them all. The old Trinity would just go head first and not look. But now, I have a lot at stake. I treasure my relationships with others, and that means I need to think of what’s best not only for myself, but for everyone else as well, in the long run.

I am frightened. I wish I could force myself to cry. I wish that after I cried I would feel better. But I don’t. My fears and emotions are buried underneath a huge ass pile of shit. It wasn’t the best snow day. If I could, I would just cry myself to sleep.

Tinder: Always a Twist

February 7, 2015February 8, 2015 taratrinity Uncategorized bipolar, dating, depression, heart, heartbreak, love, mania, relationships, single mother, tinder

For many single adults out there today, there’s an app called Tinder. The “straight” version of Grinder, Tinder is an application where you simply swipe left or right on someone’s photo. It’s a simple little game you might say and it’s highly addictive. Only a few weeks ago did I write about throwing in the towel on dating. I guess that’s the beauty of bipolar. Your emotions escalate and drop and you make decisions based on your moods. And when your moods go up again, well they may, in fact, change.

I have met some great people through this app in the last year and a half of being single. The sweatshirt I am wearing at this moment actually was created by a buddy of mine who I met on a date over a year ago. The date went nowhere and we went on another date maybe six months later, but we have remained business colleagues and friends. His business makes money off of me now.

My first Tinder experience was interesting. We met, had great chemistry, a few dates later had sex, and I began to take an interest in him. Until I found out that a girlfriend I knew for a very long time had a date planned with him. He told me I was being childish and unflattering when I told him my thoughts. She still went on the date and slept with him. He left her like trash. Girls suck. Guys are dogs. I learned that quickly.

Then there has only been one real dating experience through Tinder I should say that lasted for a few weeks and that was about one year ago. Let’s name him Bob. I swiped right on Bob and we matched. There was instant chemistry over the phone calls we had and he was from my area (Philadelphia/South Jersey). We had a mutual friend and she even vouched for him. Bob came to meet me after one of my shows and instantly grew a crush on me, or so he says. The first night we hung out, we slept together. Definitely not a good thing on either of our parts, but we are both adults. The casual dating began to turn into something more. It had only been about six months or so since I split with my ex-boyfriend Steve. My heart wasn’t quite ready, but my vagina definitely was. We met each others’ best friends, I hung with him on his birthday, and he even spent the night at my house (which usually doesn’t happen with guys I am not interested in). Things were going great until I made a dinner reservation for him at a restaurant he has always wanted to go to but had never been. He told me I was too nice and he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He became cold towards me. To this day, I’m pretty sure he met another girl on Tinder and was more into her, but that I will never know. Months go by and he dials me up about a month or so ago. I go to his place, we hook up, and something didn’t feel right. The next day I go onto his Instagram page and he has a serious girlfriend. And it looks as though they met right around the time I originally met him. Wow, my instincts were right. Thank you universe for protecting me. He would have been cheating on me if I was his girlfriend now. I’ll be happy if I never speak to Bob or see him ever again.

Two weeks ago I decided to dust off my Tinder app and do some swipes. I have been on dates here and there, but nothing that has truly sparked my interest. I have met a really great guy, but the monologuing type. I am not quite sure if he is into me or if he is into himself more. Another guy I refuse to meet up with because well, the first few messages we had between each other he sent me almost a full body nude. The third guy, well it has been just fantastic. But I refuse to count my chickens before they hatch. So I won’t say much about him. However, I will say a little about the evening I met him.

I’m working, having a busy day as usual and I meet up with an old friend. When I say old friend, he’s someone who knows my SHIT. We spent some time in the loony bin together back in late 2012 and I can appreciate his craziness. There are two people I have kept in contact with from mental institutions (and I’ve been in quite a few over the years). And he is one of them. We caught up since we hadn’t seen each other in a while. He said he lost my pilates mat somehow between his move and owed me some drinks. I ate a few appetizers since it’s Sober February. I felt bad leaving him to go on a date with someone he actually knew (the third Tinder date is a buddy of his), but it felt so good to be myself with someone. For a couple of hours we talked, laughed, and busted each others’ balls with sarcasm. He encouraged me to go on my dreaded date since he knew the guy was good peoples. So I did.

I get into my car, drive to my neighborhood and walk into my date. Right away, I think of what my friend just told me (he couldn’t see us together) and he was right. But I’m not trying to judge a book by its cover so I continue to walk over to the man smiling at me with a ridiculously hipster-looking mustache. Two hours into the conversation and neither of us have barely touched our drinks, I am smitten. This was the best conversation I have had with someone in years. He gets me. The fact that he did Peace Corps (I work for an adult education nonprofit catering to low-income immigrants), loves music and is knowledgeable about it (I’m a musician), hippie (i’m a fire spinner, nuff said), has been through some shit (no comment necessary), the list goes on and on.. We were so open and honest with each other, I even admitted my favorite movie to him–Howard the Duck. Oddly enough, he knew it and loved it the same. Our date was longer than six hours and ended with a wonderful kiss (even though I had no idea of what to do about his mustache) and some amazing hugs.

I’ll keep you up-to-date with how it all turns out. But to be honest, I’m not expecting anything from it. What I do know, is he is one of those people that if I do mention my disease to, wouldn’t be too bothered by it. And that feels nice.

On Dating: Throwing in the Towel

January 20, 2015January 20, 2015 taratrinity Uncategorized balance, being a mom, bipolar mother, dating, douchebags, love, parenting, relationships, single parents

Naturally, I push men away.

People always inquire what the reason for having this immature behavior? Most simple answer–I’m protecting myself. From what, you might ask? From having my son being heart-broken. I sit here late on a Monday night, after performing in five straight shows at the casino today, exhausted. And all I can do is be hard on myself. Now, as I’ve learned, I will come to my blog to tell it exactly how it is..

I decided recently that I am finished. Finito. Terminada. Throwing in the towel like Apollo Creed should have done. When I was dating, I was basically setting myself up for failure and constant disappointments. Being the optimist that I am, I thought maybe I would actually meet a guy (a man) who could handle that I have a child. After countless failed attempts at dating, I am more of a cynical realist. I don’t believe in soulmates. Just great chemistry you can have with someone and if you share enough intimate moments before you just get to know each other well, you may fall in love because your timing is right. Someone who was ready for you and you for them.

Just the other night, it happened. I was out on a Saturday night when I bumped into a familiar face who I never met in person, rather on some online dating app. We exchanged a few smiles and I couldn’t stop. The entire night I kept reminding myself that this wasn’t real. He wasn’t interested in me. But his body language and his pearly whites kept revealing themselves onto me. Deep down inside where that hope used to lie, it started to bud again. We had a few exchanges where our lips spoke to each other’s lips. Nothing heated. As the evening grew to a close, we texted until we fell asleep, but my gut tells me I’ll never hear from him again. Nights such as these are few and far between, but in the end I never hear from them ever again.

I began racking my brain a few months ago about this. Is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I be more average? Maybe it’s my religion. Or my hair.. my mom was right–guys don’t like my short hair. Possibly it’s because my job isn’t as reputable as most in the DC area. There’s a chance they think my music sucks. Countless superficial surface reasons, until one day my guitarist said, “I could never date a woman with a child. I mean, that’s a really big deal.”

I went home that night and cried. He was right. How did I never see that as the reason? Most likely because my son is my life and the reason I am who I am. The main motivation in my life and my spirit. The solution to all of my life’s problems. He is my foundation. But the average Joe isn’t going to see that. He won’t know that. He has no clue what I’ve been through. He just sees a pretty girl for the night to hang with who has a child. No future there.

Struggling with this often, I have now given up on dating. The men I’m not interested in love me and ask me to marry them. The men I have great chemistry with aren’t quite mature enough to handle my having a son.

I am not necessarily assuming most of this as it may seem. When my ex-boyfriend left me he told me that I wasn’t part of his plan. Dating a woman with a child wasn’t what he was ready for. He said it was all too real. He wanted to be settled down by age 32. I wasn’t that person. No matter how much truth there is to that statement and the hell he was saving me in our non-existent future. It fucking hurt. Bad.

So I wrote this song.