Category Archives: Healing Process

January 2, 2025 · 3:25 am

The Healing Properties of, Writing

How writing about what we’d gone through, is the very first step to healing ourselves back up, why it’s important, to introspect! Translated…
A couple of years ago, my friend’s marriage failed, and, she was caught in a divorce case. Her husband cheated on her with many women, and it was caught by the news media, and, the articles used couple hundreds of Chinese character, described him as scum, my friend’s life only took up, one to two lines in the, articles by the, press release. In the major events in her own life, she’d become, like a, nobody, a bystander, on the edge of the performance platform, watching that male lead who’d done nothing but evil deeds, centerstage, doing his, soliloquy.
During those past few years, she’d needed her friends to pour her heart out, to, although, she had a ton of friends, classmates, coworkers through her life, and, they’d been, rotated, many times too through the years, but, she’d told of the same old things repeatedly, for others to, hear her out, and those with a ton of patience had, grown, weary of her words, and started showing that look of, “why hadn’t you gotten over it yet?”, and, “just move on already!”, expressions toward her.

do this, regularly…photo from online
At this time, she’d begun, carrying a notebook with her, when nobody was there to hear her out, she’d, turned to the pages of her notebook, and just, jotted down how she’d felt at that, very, moment of, time, and she would, go with her therapist’s recommendations, asking the questions of her self, like, “What happened to me in life?” then try answering the question she’d put, down. Then, the truth started, appearing to her piece by piece, so, there are, so many things she’d already, noted, but pretended that they’d not, existed. She’d become, a detective in her own life, traced her problems in the marriage, all the way, back to her, family of, origin. What’s on the notebook that she’d written in, were of the sorrows, the shames. But as she’d written, she’d begun, healing back up.
As she’d written, she’d had to, get herself back to that “scene of the crime”, try and see when the damage happened, and how it’d, occurred to her, peeling open that already, scabbed scar, finding that rotten flesh down under it. With every question she’d answered for her self, she’d, groomed through, sorted out, then, patiently, stitched her self, back up together again, and during this process she’d had to, dig, deep into the weeds, to shed light on what the world, everybody else, wanted you to forget which had happened to you, and, she’d found, couple of contorted, monsters that were, misunderstood in the shadows, she’d returned them, back to their, original, forms, then, released them, then, forgiven her own, self.
Some are much, braver, those who are willing to share their experiences of cancer, losing a marriage, getting scammed, caring for one’s own bedridden parents alone, what sort of experiences they’d endured, how they’d, weathered the impacts, and the days that followed, how they became able to, only, share the happy photos of their own lives on social media. Those who are happy, don’t want to understand, they’d ignored and not read through, while the others who actually took the time, and understood where the writer came, were mostly of those who’d, experienced, the similar sorts of, defeats in their, lives.
All of whom who are willing to share, are the, survivors, they’d, returned back from their trials, and now, they have more to say, they’d, gained the, right to their, individual, voices, and showed themselves proudly in scars, to those who’d been, caught up, in similar, predicaments: there’s no shame in what we’d weathered, you are not alone, I empathize with your pains, and one day, you will, walk out of the darkness like I had too.

and eventually you will

be ready to embrace your brand new life, without the past, hounding you, down…photo from online
Writing about one’s failures, it’s like, that Pandora’s box, filled with everything evil and awful inside, and yet, it offered, that ultimate, healing means. And every one of us need a notebook like this, to write out our own, individual, colors, the traumas we’d endured, and, at the moment of us jotting these events that defined us in life, it will, help, loosen the grips of these traumas we held on too tightly to, and the traumas would, let us, go as well.
So, this is on introspection through writing, and this is, important, because if you don’t look deep inward, how the hell will you know, what sort of monsters are there, lurking in your, darkness, in your, subconscious, or unconscious mind, and if you don’t get those monsters out into the open, then, you will, always live in, fear, and that’s, not a good way to, life your, lives.

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December 28, 2024 · 2:22 am

Healing from the Loss of My Wife

On bereavement, losing those whom we love dearly, something we all, must, experience in our, lifetimes…translated…
My wife’s death came too abruptly in July, I was completely, overwhelmed with loss that I never expected to experience.
The love of my life for forty-eight years is now, gone, but I still see, feel, hear her everywhere in my home. I was completely lost into my grief, the feelings of panic, depression, caused me to lost sleep and appetite too. Facing the loneliness that awaited for me at home became too hard a challenge I can, manage. I’d sat in my favorite spot at my local library, but what I can’t shake off was the panic from the ambulance coming to rush her into the E.R., I can’t, stay calm.
My best wife’s best friend, Bi-Xia accompanied me to the psychiatrist, and the psychiatrist prescribed the anti-anxiety for me, take half a tablet as needed, and the sleep aid for before I go to bed at night. A swimming companion couple of ours, the school teacher, Tsao, and my former colleague, Huang I’d, managed to reconnect with after I’d retired and lost contact a long, long time, they’d stayed with me as my, grief companions, and it’d, soothed my loss a bit. Every time the negative feelings surfaced, I’d, gone to their homes, and asked for them to accompany me through it all, time and time again, the conversations we’d shared, somehow, helped, soothed my sense of, loss, they’d, saved me, who was, almost sinking in the waves of, grief.
As my mood slowly changed, I can now sit and read a few pages of the books. Some of the words I’d read moved me, so I’d, jotted them down, as a comfort to me, for instance, Tal Ben-Shahar’s passage, “some days, you may feel extremely anxious, this is no big deal, as life is made up of suffering, this is what we all must shoulder as humans. Accepting that unsettlement for being there, work through your grief, and it may turn into the strength that help you mature.
I’d read this passage online, “if you need the companionship to feel the happiness, then, that may make you weak.” I’d posted the line onto my memo as a warning to myself.
“Take your time. After all, losing someone we’d been so intimate with, without any feelings, that, is not, human, that would be, abnormal!”, the son who’d lost his mother told me. We offered one another the needed, support as grieving companions.
After a passage of trying time, to this day, I’d still feel, that unsettlement that rises up from within my body, but I’m no longer reliant on the antianxiety medications anymore , just allowing these emotions to, pass through, me, and waiting for the moments of peace to take me, over.
As a greenhorn of living alone on my own, my goal is to become “an elderly who can enjoy life on his own”, to exercise enough, to eat well, to sleep well. Thankful, I’d been the cook of my family, fixing up my meals was no, problem.
After mom passed back in 2008, my pops who is eighty-four then chose to stay and keep guard of my home in Menon for six years. He’d comfortably enjoyed the days that came and went, he is, my, role model.
At nine thirty last night I’d, taken a-fourth of my sleep aid, and fell quickly asleep, and when I woke, it was, past four in the morn, I was very, surprised, and during my sleep, I’d not gotten up to go to the, bathrooms, and recently, I’d, felt something better in my sleep now. Waking up at five, after I’d washed up, I’d begun, doing my simple exercises to warm by body up, at six sharp, I’d, arrived at the workout factory, sweat it all out, after a hot shower, not yet 7:30. The workout in the early mornings keep me energized through the entire day, and I’d looked forward to it every single day now.
On my way home, I’d, gone to shop for my groceries, I’d still purchased my wife’s favorites. By lunch, I’d prepared my own meal, the woman who sat opposite will never, come and sit down anymore. And rather than using my tears as the additives to my foods, I’d, sent a shot of me with my lunch, to help my son and daughter-in-law feel more at ease—I make enough for myself that is nutritious and delicious.
In the afternoon, I’d begun reading the diary “The Rumbling of the Winter Thunder” by Yindi. On page 215, he’d said, if you feel settled in your heart, then, there would be a world of serenity that you will find yourself, in.
So, this man is, well of his way to making a recovery from the loss of his wife to death, and, losing one’s spouse is high on the anxiety measure charts, because, you are now, without that certain someone you’d shared your adult lives with, and, it takes time to grieve properly and fully for what you’d lost, and every time at the very beginning it may be hard, to stay in the house, because everywhere you look, there’s the memories of the two of you, that’s right there, and you’re, without your loved ones anymore, but, take it slow, a day at a time, and slowly, you will, find the needed strength to move on from your, losses.

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Filed under Cost of Living, Healing Process, Life, Loss, On Death & Dying, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Socialization, the Finality of Life

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November 24, 2024 · 3:15 am

I am Allowed to Feel Sad

From denying, to avoidance, to finally, slowly, accepting, through grieving fully AND, properly for those you loved and lost…translated…
As I awakened in the morn, the ceiling started spinning out of turn clockwise. Instinctively, I’d, closed my, eyes, allowed my eye balls to move around a bit, to adjust them, open them back up, and, weird, everything started, turning, counterclockwise then.
Thankful, around noon, things started, improving then, I could, get up, slowly then, with a cane in each hand, I’d, used the speed of astronaut, walking onto the moon, walked toward my, salvation—the medical clinic nearby to the entrance of the alley where I live.
“Losing sleep, loss of appetite, this is caused by depression, are there things that had been upsetting to you of late?”, the physician inquired, then suddenly, I had, a total, melt down.
My cat, Hachichan who’d accompanied me for a full ten years, in the middle of the nights, started, suffocating last Wednesday, then he’d, died; two days later, my older cousin who’d loved me a lot, in the midnight hours, died of, myocardial infarction. These two major hits, caused me to become a hollowed puppet, I’d fallen into a daze, and fell deep into sorrow, and I’d not slept well, nor eaten enough for days on end, my eyes were puffy, the bags underneath my eyes became, black, I can’t even, have the energies to, talk anymore.

here are the stages, again!

from online
After the physical, the physician told me that I had dysautonomia from the grief, hyperventilation, not enough oxygen in my blood, plus insomnia, not having enough food, low blood sugar, that was why I’d become dizzy the moment I got out of, bed. So, dizziness is, a “byproduct” of, sorrow.
The past didn’t just, go, away. I’d remembered my self from more than a decade, ago, I was overcome with depression due to my husband’s extramarital affair. I was immensely impacted, not known what I could, do, just wanted to not allow his affair to affect our children and both our parents, so I’d, pretended that everything was okay. Until I was, crushed by the sorrows, I’d turned insomniac, fearful, lost appetite, became hormonally imbalanced, suffered from baldness, and I’d finally turned myself into treatment because of anemia two years later, took the meds, to help me sleep better, talked with a therapist, dealt with my failed marriage, it took me three whole years to completely, recover, I’d started to, regain my health back again.
I knew that this time, I couldn’t, dodge my own, emotions, only through facing it with bravery, will I be able to, get out from the losses. After I left the clinic, I’d not rushed home, I’d, gone into a bakery I’d wanted to buy things from but never did, there were the cinnamon rolls in the display cases, aromatic, the foods surely can, offer me, some, comfort.
I’d walked out with the box, went to my favorite banyan in the park, sat down, took a sip of milk, a bite of the breads, turned on my cell, and, started searching for the photo Ochochan which I’d been, avoiding for days on end, and started, smiling foolishly at the memories of my interaction with her.
Then I’d recalled how after the divorce, as I’d moved into a new place, every time New Year’s Eve came, the two kids would head out, and there was only, Ochochan there with me, on the couch, and, the warmth from the memories became tears that fell from my eyes, but I’d, chosen to ignore the glares of the passersby, and just, allow my self to immerse in my own, sorrows, to recall everything about my, beloved, cat.
As I’d returned, I’d, written an article in memoriam of my older male cousin, from how when he’d come to Taipei to try and get into the top all-male high school and stayed for a short period at my home, how he’d, taught me math, played the harmonica, to entertain me, and I’d also written about how after his father died, he’d come often to my home to drink teas with my father, and wrote about how after my father passed, how he was there, to help both my brother and I through the funeral processions………
After I’d written everything out, I’d called up my older cousin’s wife, heard her told of the night he’d passed, how he’d, bent and kissed his wife gently, patted his wife’s back, then, fallen, asleep, and without another word, passed, away.
We’d cried together, remembered those whom we’d loved and lost. In our tears, there came the words of the doctor, “Loss, it would, interrupt your routines, don’t feel that you need to, stop grieving right, away. Cry when you want to, after you’re done crying, then, learn to, breathe well, eat well, then, remember all whom you’d loved and lost, well.”
So, until you can, finally deal with that feelings of loss, you will, NEVER heal, and all those psychological symptoms, they will, NEVER, go, away, and there would be the psychosomatic symptoms of insomnia, gagging, etc., etc., etc., as you’re, going through your grief, don’t be afraid of these, just let them come naturally, allow yourselves to grieve, fully and, properly, for what you’d, lost, then, you will be able to, move forward with your lives, without those whom you loved so dearly.

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Filed under Because of Love, Healing Process, Life, Loss, Moods, Emotions, & Feelings, On Death & Dying, Perspectives, Properties of Life, Re-Experiencing the Trauma, Socialization, the Finality of Life

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October 4, 2024 · 1:47 am

To Begin, Anew

On grieving for the loss of the love of your life, a significant other…going through the steps of the grief cycle, and coming back out of the darkness slowly…translated…

The Memories of the Wonderful Moments We Shared, Should NOT be My Source of, Pain, but the Renewed Strengths Given to Me to Begin, Again………

The month after my wife was gone, I’d sunk, into a never-before deep, dark, abyss.  Every morn as I woke up, I’d, always, subconsciously reached to next to me, but every time, I got nothing but cold air.  Her laughter, her breath, all felt like dreams of days gone, and as I woke, everything became, missing.  My wife left me because of cancer, and I couldn’t, accept this as a fact of life.

Every morn, I’d, dragged my tired body to work, blanking out in my brains.  Returned home, facing that empty space, with only her photographs, staring me in the, silence.  I couldn’t, get rid of the loss I felt, how much I’d missed her, started relying on the medications, to numb myself out, and in the evenings, I’d, gotten drunk, to help me fall, asleep.

My friends could not stand to watch me go down, suggested that I go and find a therapist.  At first, I’d told them no, believed it to be, nothing more than a waste of time, but the pains and the loneliness I’d felt inside, made me, compromised.  The moment I set foot into the counselor’s office, I’d felt a mixture of emotions, didn’t know how to begin.  And yet, as the counselor guided me, I’d begun, opening up, and told of the fears and unsettlement I’d felt since my wife had, passed.

illustration from UDN.com

keep on climbing upward, until you can finally let go…

The counselor told me, that grief is more than normal, that the pains, the loss from losing someone so dear can’t be taken away overnight, but I’d needed to, learn to coexist with all of my, emotions, instead of, running away from them.  She’d taught me some techniques for relaxation, suggested that I keep a diary and write in it every single day, to record down everything I’d shared with my, wife.  This means, it’d, made me get in touch with how I’d felt, and slowly, I got off the reliance on the, medications.

One day, I’d opened the pages of the photo album, and, watching the days we’d spent together, and, that pain, that sadness and sorrow from losing my wife was, replaced with a surge of warmth instead.  I’d begun noting, that although she’s no longer around, but all the love we’d shared, and all the memories we’d made together, will be with me forever.  All those better times, should NOT be the source of my pains, but instead, a positive energy for me to begin anew.

With the passing of time, I’d slowly found the tempo of my life back, started involving myself with the social functions, made new friends, picked up my hobbies from my younger days, I’d even begun learning to cook too, to make some of the favorite dishes that my wife loved, and every time I’d made a dish, I could feel her smiling around me, encouraging me to keep moving on.

Looking back through these days, I’d come to understand, that nothing will ever erase the pains and losses of losing our loved ones, but we can, learn to coexist with the losses and the pains.  My wife’s death made me stronger, it also made me cherish the time I get to spend with my loved ones now more.  I hope, to use my own experience, to show those who are experiencing the losses of their loved ones, that grief is not the, end, but a brand new start of a, journey.

the Kubler-Ross cycle of grief…found online

Every moment in our lives, is meaningful on its, own.  Although there’s no way to predict the futures, but we can, decide how we want to, face our own pasts.  My wife’s love and the memories of her, will forever warm my heart, becoming the renewed strength for me to, begin, again.

So, this is the process of grief, and, we will get HIT, because we will, lose those whom we cared about, and loved dearly, because that’s just how life goes, and, getting over the loss is never easy, and we can only put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, and break down, feel the loss, the grief take us over, repeatedly, and until we’d, grieved enough, we will, never get past the loss, and this IS hard work, and we can only do it, a step, a day, at a, time…

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September 30, 2024 · 4:09 am

She Got Herself Together for the Sake of Her Children, Successfully Gotten Off Her Addictions

The driving motivation for her to stop abusing the substances is her kids, and, she wanted a better life she could, give to her children, that’s what made her, get off that bandwagon, successfully!  Off of the Front Page Sections, translated…

Ms. Chen in her twenties, was caught for abusing methamphetamine, the courts gave her probation, for the sake of the fetus inside of her, she’d, pulled herself together, begin anew in life, went into therapy, and used other methods to help her get cleaned, she was successful in getting off her addiction, as her baby was born, she and her mother are now, raising her child together.

The assistant director of the Taoyuan Rehabilitation Center which was a branch hospital of the Sanitation & Welfare Department, Lee stated, that Ms. Chen had a bad childhood, in her childhood years, her father would become abusive after he was drunk, and she didn’t get the psychological or the physical needs filled, and was often living in hunger.  Started in the fifth grade, she’d had thoughts about suicide, in her second year of middle school, she started dating, dropped out of school, ran away from home, started abusing illegal substances, to make a living, she’d become, a dealer, and had been sent to prison multiple times.

Lee said, after Ms. Chen was pregnant, she’d made her mind on detoxing, and, gotten help from “trauma care”, with the medications, she’d continued treatment for over two months, and hadn’t abused the substances since.

like, this??? A young child that needed his parent…photo from online

“Most of the women who enter into the program are doing it for their children”.  The professor of Public Health in Yangming Transportation University told, a woman of around forty used heroine, and is now being treated using the methadone method, and the motives for her being in treatment is that she didn’t want her children to feel like she was an awful mother, she’d sworn to completely get off her addiction before her child graduates university.

Studies showed, that those with childhood traumas have a high risk of depression, because the pressure systems and the emotional connection systems malfunctioned, causing the anti-depressants to not work as well, the efficacy of treatment for this group is only fifteen-percent, compared to the efficacies of treatment for those who hadn’t had traumas in the childhood years at eighty-five percent success rate.

Lee told, that those who had childhood traumas needed a consolidatory methods of treatment, with the medication and the psychotherapy together, through “trauma awareness care”, slowly, helping the impacts of trauma on the body and the mind, this is a methods to “patch up the nets”, hoping that the addicts will seek help on their own, giving oneself that chance, to allow their offspring to receive better care and upbringing.

So, this is a treatment program, that aims at, preventing getting into the repeated habits of drug abuse, and the woman found the motivation to get off her addiction, which were her, children, and, her maternal instincts that came into play was what helped her detox completely.

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Filed under Addiction, Awareness, Cost of Living, Healing Process, Inspirational Tales, Life, Observations, Perspectives, Philosophies of Life, Properties of Life, Socialization, Substances Abuse, Wake Up Calls, White Picket Fence

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August 14, 2024 · 6:32 am

Never Knew What Had, Happened to Me…

Never knew what had, happened to, me, because, nobody ever talked about it, and I was, way too young to know, to, remember…

Never knew what had, happened to me, until one day, I’d, snuck into the attic, and fold an old scrapbook, full of, newspaper, clippings, of, an awful thing that had, happened.  That sent my world spinning, out of, control, and, that was, all it, took, for everything to, start, coming, back to the, surfaces…

the memories, resurfaced as, nightmares…sketch from online

The nightmares began, soon as I saw his face on the news, on how he got, “paroled out for good behavior”.

Never knew what had, happened to me, and, I wasn’t, supposed to remember everything as I was, a very, young child.  My mind knew I couldn’t, cope with what’d happened to me, so it’d, blocked everything out, to protect me, it wasn’t until I saw a report on the news, that had, awakened, something deep inside, something, so very, long, ago, that happened to me, and that was, the very, start of, the spiraling downward, climbing back up, spiraling downward, climbing back up, and, every time I thought I’d, conquered one obstacle, another came before me, taller than the last one…

Never knew what had, happened to me, as my psyche had, done what it needed to, to ensure my “safe passage” into, the adulthood years, and, the nightmares didn’t start coming back, when I was, with that, very first, man whom I’d, given my, heart to, and you can guess, how that turned out, can’t you???

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July 31, 2024 · 2:37 pm

Finding the Lost Traumas of Her, Past…

It took her, forever, to start to, remember, there was, a trigger, that took her back to her, childhood years…

Those years when she should’ve been, living wild and carefree, and, soon as those memories started, surfacing, she’d felt, uneasy…

Finding the lost traumas of her, past, it took her, forever, to finally, find her way back to her, forgotten, childhood years.  Those years she’d spent with, him, that neighborhood older boy, whom she had, that serious, crush on.  Finding the lost traumas of her, past, she kept on, going, despite how nauseous she’d begun feeling, she’d started, gagging, gasping for air, she was, suddenly, back into that state of, that innocent, helpless, child, with NOBODY to fend for her, to, protect her from, him…

how her mind, fell to, pieces…image from online

Finding the traumas of her past, she’d, dug through the mud and the, muck, gotten the filth, all over her body now, and, she wanted to stop, but, her mind had a, mind of its own, it just, kept, going, despite how her body started, shaking hard, convulsing.

Finding the traumas of her past, she had, and now, she’d, begun, healing, one day at a, time, she’d, purged everything out now, but she still needed to, go through EVERY piece of what she’d, puked out of her, lost memories, seep through them, sort through them, before she could, ever, move, forward………

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June 8, 2024 · 2:44 am

Accompanying My Daughter Through the Valleys of Shadows of Her, Life, a Treasure Map of Memories

With the use of the cognitive-behavioral techniques, some help from medication, and taking time off, to just, relax, this woman finally, healed herself back up, but she’s still, on her way to fully recover, and she’s, working toward her goals, now that she’d, overcome her own, mental illness…translated…

One Evening, Soon as My Daughter Set Foot into the House, She’d Gotten Down on Her Knees, Fallen, Limp, with Her Upper Body, on the Couch, She Was, Extremely, More Emotional

My daughter had always been, very understanding and well-behaved growing up, didn’t need me to tell her what to do and when to do it, and although, she’d not had that smooth a ride in her studies, but, with her own high self-demands, she’d, made it through her master’s program, after she graduated, she’d begun, working, and kept at her post, very focused and hardworking.

During the pandemic, she’d gone abroad to study for three months, and almost all her courses are online, she was locked in the dormitory, in a strange location, thirteen-hour time difference from here, she couldn’t find anybody to talk to.  And within a month’s time, her body started signaling, she’d started having sweaty palms, and, at eight in the morning sharp, I’d gotten the calls from her on time from overseas, and, we’d chatted for more than half an hour at a time, and I’d, felt that something was, bothering her, making her, anxious.

illustration from UDN.com

As she got back, she’d, stayed, locked in for two week in the quarantine hotels, inside that tiny room, there was only room for a bed, a T.V., a tea stand, and only enough room for her to get in and out, and other than writing the experiences she had abroad, there’s just eating, and sleeping, she’d looked out the window, it’d become, familiar, yet, quite, strange to her, like a, silent, world.

As she’d gotten back to work, she’d, walked on eggshells, run that race with time, the many restrictions and rules of the pandemic, caused her to get caught up between the plans and the activities, she’d worried, that she would, lag behind on her, schedules.  From before, she’d, shared happily with me the goings on in her work, then, she’d started, looking gloomy, upset, and didn’t have enough energy in her voice when she’d, told me the goings on of her, workplace, she’d felt like, two different, person.

Following, she’d started, losing sleep, “having a strong sense of responsibilities, very proud, perfectionistic, these personality traits can get the person trapped by the self-blames, the anxieties, to the point of causing insomnia, which then leads to, depression.”, I’d believed, that there may be an imbalance in the chemicals in her brains, and, took her to the nearby clinic, the physician prescribed something for her, and told her, that “if the meds didn’t help, then you would need to get yourself into the major hospitals for a more thorough check”.

One evening, soon as she got in, she’d, fallen limp on her, knees, her upper body on the couch, she’d become, very, emotional.  Started panting painfully, she’d, held everything in at work all day long, her body’s upset, all came rolling, out, two days ago, I’d just, gotten her into the E.R., where they’d, injected her with a tranquilizer, look like, we’re, going again.  Looking at how she was traumatized in her mind and her body, my heart ached so very, badly!  My daughter, who’d been kind, empathetic toward everybody else, why is she, being tried like so?  When she couldn’t complete the work assigned to her, she’d even had the thought of, disappearing from this, world!

The E.R. referred her to a primary, as the doctor heard my daughter’s complaints, he’d suggested that she check herself in to get treated, in case.  Although my daughter’s mind was on work, and didn’t want to, but as we’d persuaded her, she’d finally, agreed.

“You look very normal, why are you in here?”, her roommates inquired.  Some of the patients are frequent “customers”, problems in the families, losing a loved ones, gotten scammed, failed in business, their eyes are hollow, like the ghosts that wandered up and down the hallways, some stood by the public phones, and talked for half an hour, without, inserting the coins in.

There was a young girl who grew up in an orphanage, when she’s lucid, she would ask my daughter to teach her English, and when the child relapsed, she’d lost control, and gotten violent, kicked, screamed, and there would be so many nursing staff member, to come and hold her down, to keep her unharmed.

My daughter’s ten-day stay, she’d come to understand, that “there are a lot of people who are tried by life, the most important thing is cherishing what’s right in front of us”.  In the care of the medical staff members, and adjusting her medications, her primary treating physician finally signed off on her early release.

My Daughter Who’d Been Kind & Understanding, Had to Get Put Through the Trials

My primary mission after she’d been discharged, was to help her find back her smiles and zest for life from before.  After all, the cold of the mind, isn’t like the body’s, medicating, more rest, more water, and soon enough, you’ll get, better.

getting treated by a professional…photo from online

At first, my daughter didn’t want to go out at all, and all that she was once, interested in, she’d, lost her longing for.  From when she woke in the morn, she’d begun feeling, anxious, gotten on that emotional rollercoaster, worried about this, and that, these were, the hardest, times of the day, and also the moments that made my heart ached the most.

To settle her mind, I’d, posted eight items for her to do as her schedule daily.  Early in the morn when she wakes, she’d, swung her fists, at the air in the living room a hundred times, to situate her anxious mind a bit.  Coloring, that is also, an activity that calms her down.  In the afternoon, I’d gone with her to the park to stroll, we’d carried on in conversations as we trekked, to help her get relaxed.  Sometimes, I’d encouraged her to go to the libraries to read, and even if she didn’t want to go outside, I’d, still, taken her away from the city where we live to travel a bit.

What surprised me was, in the past, it was natural for her to pack and unpack, and now, she’d done it with great, difficulty, and all I can say, is that the brain is the central systems of nerves, that if the chemicals become imbalanced, there would be, enormous, effect, and only as I’d, witnessed how this affected my daughter, I wouldn’t have, understood it.

There was, another thing that’s confusing that came with my daughter’s, illness: she’d regressed back in her mind like a two, three year old child, every time she’d, paced in front of the calendar, and helplessly stated, “mom’s not home on this day!”  “mom’s not home on this day either!”  Kept repeating that I’m not home, and had that look of panic on her face, like a child who felt insecure, when s/he doesn’t see her/his mom.

She’d repeated the same anxieties, and things that were confusing to her, and all I can do, was be there for her, and listen to her, giving her positive feedback, and encouragement.  Taking her out with me when I go out, no matter what, this condition that came without any warning, we must, face together, to accept it.  At first, my daughter couldn’t accept that she was, ill, I’d told her, “everybody gets sick, this is just a cold of your mind, just follow the psychiatrist’s orders, take your meds, you will, get your health, back.”

She was once, a sports competitor, knew, that “exercises can increase the endorphins in the brains, to release the anxieties, to increase that feeling of, happiness.”, and so she’d, made up her mind to cycle around the island.  The ten day trip, she’d, worked hard, pedaling, away, come sun, strong wind, or the cold, rains, with the beautiful sceneries, up and down the slopes, she’d gotten, wiped that every evening she’d turned in, she’d, immediately, fallen, asleep, and her insomnia was, cured, without any, medications!

After her trip around the island, before she set out every single day, she’d played the fight songs of her choice at home, and it’d, made me get all worked up too.  And, in a couple of months, her locked in brows, started, loosening, and that beautiful smile returned, back onto her, face, and my heart started, feeling, at ease too.

She’d begun, busying for work again, the same grind, the heaviness of her, workload, the endless number of calls she needed to take, the overtimes she had to pull at the office, but she’d known and learned, to settle her mind and her, became, more aware of her feelings.  When she’d returned for the treatment sessions, she’d asked her psychiatrist if she could be off the medications, the psychiatrist saw her progress, how she was comfortable in talking, allowed her to, “graduate” finally.

the mental health professional, helping the client become more aware of her tendencies…illustration from online

And this illness that came without any warnings, it’d made us learn to tolerate, to understand, and to love; I am, too grateful, that I was, able to, help my daughter, weather through this storm of her, life.

So, this is, the long road to, recovery, and this young woman noted that something wasn’t quite right with her systems, and sought out help, then, changed her way of interacting with herself, and, with the help of medications, and the cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, she was, finally, healed, and it took her a lot of work, to finally, get over this, huge, obstacle she’d, bumped into in her own, life, but she did it!

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May 29, 2024 · 12:37 pm

Stuck in the, Anger, Phase…

You got STUCK, on that SECOND stage of Kubler-Ross…

Stuck in the, anger phase, you just, can’t, get OVER that, stepping stone, you will anger for what happened to you, you are still, holding on to the hurt, because you feel driven to, remember it, because you don’t want to, forgive yourself, for allowing those whom are supposed to, love you, but never had.

fuming, ruminating, and, blowing UP! Photo from online

Stuck in the, anger phase, and, there’s, NO way, out for you.  You will, NEVER get out of that stage, because you are still, refusing to, acknowledge your pains, of how those whom you’d put your trust in, who should’ve loved and take care of you, but never, did.

Stuck in the, anger phase, and you can’t get passed the BETRAYAL, and you, never will, because you placed your trust, in those people who had, NO love………

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May 3, 2024 · 2:58 am

Where Did the Little Angel Fly to?

How do you, teach a young child about loss, about, death, to help them, grieve for the loss of a, best friend???  On the lessons of life and death, translated…

As We Were Feeling Sad that the Young Life is Lost, How Would My Six-Year-Old Young Grandson, Face with Losing His, Best Friend……………

After my eldest grandson came home from school, he kept stating, “after I tell grandpa a story, I will be, filling up the balloons”.  I’d agreed in no time, and waited until he’d finished reading to me, his dad said, it was getting late and they should head home, he’d become, angry, felt that the adults didn’t keep their promises, stressed that he will, fill up the balloons before he heads home.

I couldn’t understand why he was so stubborn about filling the ballons, I’d picked him up and asked, “it’s really late, mom’s waiting for you at home, can’t you fill up the balloons tomorrow?”, suddenly, he got teary eyed, “Yu is gone, I want to give him his, favorite, balloon………”, I’d originally thought he was joking, and I’d, confirmed it with him repeatedly, to see if he was telling me the truth, he’d cried and started, “I’m not lying, grandma…….he really, went to, heaven to be an, angel……….”, suddenly, I’d felt my heart wrenching, while I’d felt bad for the young life that’s, lost, but how will my six-year-old young grandson, cope with his best friend’s, death?  All I could do, is quietly, sat with him, to fill up the white, long, balloons, he said, “I didn’t get to write any words of blessing to Yu, I will have the teacher teach me to tomorrow then.”

illustration from UDN.com

As my eldest grandson left for home, my husband and I decided, to NEVER mention this again, hoping, that it’ll help him, slowly forget this, sad memory.  These two best friends were deeply connected, back when they were in the two-year-classes together, because Yu with the eye conditions couldn’t quite express himself in whole sentences, the teacher assigned my outgoing, active eldest grandson to be his buddy, they were seated next to each other in class, and slowly, they’d turned into, the best of friends.  When my eldest was at home, he’d told us about the progresses that Yu had made, for instance: he’s speaking now, in more complete sentences, he can count from one to ten now, the two built the castles out of blocks, drawn, and other leisure activities together.  In the three years of time shared, any project my eldest grandson had made in my home, he’d told, “I shall give this to Yu tomorrow”.  Yu was also, very popular in the class, this childish friendship, surely, was, precious, and yet, right after the New Year’s, it all came to, a dead, halt.

We’d originally thought, that not talking about death was the best way to help our eldest grandson, but as I saw on the assignment books, the teacher left a two-page note that moved me—the instructor specially selected an illustrated book about death, “The Dinosaur went to Heaven”, to teach the young children about death, and she’d described how on the day as the students went to the funeral, and placed the gifts for the child who was lost; as they went to see the child off, the instructor can no longer, hold back her tears, my eldest grandson was really gentle, consoled with her, and inquired, “Does cremation hurt?”, the teacher told, “Yu is no longer hurting, because he’d received all of your, blessings, he’d gone to heaven, to be, an angel now.”  In the classroom, the class set a special corner to commemorate Yu, with his favorite story, “The Cars Built a House”.

here’s one…image from online

We’re really grateful toward how the instructor had handled this matter so delicately, to educate the young children on the first lessons of death, to help them find an alternative way to grieve that’s different from the adults’ ways.  That day, Yu happily chimed to me on his life story, “long, long ago, I was, one of the happy angels in heaven too, I’d loved turning the clouds into cotton candy, and, eaten them slowly, they’re so very, sweet.  One day, I saw a really, tall building, and I was, so happy I’d spread my wings, soared to the tenth floor window, as the moonlight lit up the skies, I’d, opened the window gently, had, secretly, hidden myself inside mommy’s tummy, that’s how I became………”

On the day life ended, it’s a new beginning for a brand new, journey, I pray, that Yu, in a beautiful heaven, can soar happy and free, like a bird, to find a home that he loved living in.

And so, this is, a lesson, learned, much too early for this young child, he’d lost his, best friend, and, being too young, he’d not known how to express his sadness, his sorrows, his loss, but the school teacher’s reading the illustrated books about the meanings of death to the class, it’d helped this young boy understand, that his best friend isn’t gone, he just, exists in another form to him, as memories.

another book that teaches children about death…from online

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