Month: November 2012

Personal Relationship & Lifestyle Questions

1. Do you want to get married or are you open to marriage with a life partner?

Nope. I don’t believe in marriage. In fact, I strongly oppose it for various reasons. And considering I want more than one live-in partner and I’m a relationship anarchist, legally marrying one person wouldn’t make any sense for me anyway.

That said, I would definitely be willing to wear rings to symbolize my partnerships, if that’s something my partners wanted to do. I’d also be open to sharing some kind of intimate exchange, probably private, with either or both partners where we sort of say vows or something like that.

And I’m aware that for committed life partners who do not marry, it’s important to work out a bunch of legal shit, which I would definitely do. Not sure how it works if you want to include more than one person for certain things, but I’d do my best to be as inclusive of both live-in partners as possible.

It’s important to me that my two live-in partners remain unmarried too, even if they have other important people besides me.

2. Do you want children?

I don’t want kids. I’m childfree. My ideal life most definitely does not include children I have to raise.

That said, if I were already with my life partners, and one or both of them had a change of heart about kids and decided they really wanted some, I would agree to it because there’s no way I’d leave them over something like that. Once I’m committed, that’s it, and there’s very little that could get me to walk away from the people who I already decided were perfect for me. Naturally, if one or both partners decided to want kids, I would take it seriously and do my best to parent. It’d have to be adoption, though, because I don’t want to be pregnant. If my female partner wanted to carry, that’d be fine.

3. Your partner(s) having other partners/partner-like people: acceptable or not?

I’m fond of the idea of my male partner having a passionate friendship with another man, who is essentially as important/intimate with him as I am. I prefer that he not have intimate relationships with other women besides me, and I sort of feel like I should work to dissolve this because there’s no logical reason for me to dislike the idea but not sure if I will do that work. I don’t know how I feel about my female partner having someone else who’s as serious with her as I am, though in all likelihood, if we’re both on the same page about the significance of our relationship, I would be okay with her having someone else. As for gender of her other hypothetical IP (important person), I’m also unsure if I have any preferences for her.

It certainly helps that I myself want two different partners and want to live with each separately because whenever I’m away from one, that one could spend the time with someone else if they liked.

I like compartmentalizing my relationships, so I don’t intend to mix the two live-in partners and prefer they keep any other IP’s of theirs separate from me.

4. My love language(s):

Touch! With Quality Time coming in at a close second.

I’m a very sensual asexual, deep down. The quickest way to build intimacy with me and fuel my love feelings is to engage in loving touch with me.

Cuddling is my favorite. We’ll probably do this every day or almost every day, whether it happens in bed or on the couch. I also like holding hands, deep hugs, massages, caresses, belly rubs, scalp massages, and (when we’re comfortable/intimate enough) kisses of the closed-mouth variety mostly on the face and body. Heartbeat listening and syncing our breath when we hold each other are also of interest to me.  Sleeping in one bed will ultimately depend on whether or not we can get restful sleep while doing it. I think it’d be nice if we could share a bed at least sometimes, but if we can’t sleep as well, then it’s only reasonable for us to sleep separately.

5. How I feel about partners having a sex drive and/or masturbating:

Well, I have a sex drive, masturbate, and am certainly capable of arousal (though it doesn’t generally happen without porn). So if either or both of my partners have a sex drive and/or masturbate, I can totally understand. I think it’s something that we could probably have one conversation about, figure out the logistics of how we go about masturbating when we need to, and have it not be a big deal. Should we experience involuntary arousal during high-impact sensual encounters, we could either ignore it if that’s comfortable or stop our touching to deal with the arousal. As long as we treat each other’s bodily functions compassionately and respectfully, it’s all good.

I think that it would be a mark of our deep trust, comfort level, and ease with each other when we can treat each other’s sex drive/arousal/masturbatory habits in a nonchalant, matter-of-fact way even while being openly ace and celibate together.

6. Does romantic attraction matter?

Nope. My particular brand of RA dissolves any distinction between “romantic” and “nonromantic” love. From my POV, I just love a person, and whether it’s “romantic” or not doesn’t change anything. I don’t care if my partners are romantically attracted to me or not. I just care that they love me, want the same things from our relationship, and don’t mind the nonmonogamy on my end.

7. Important, Non-Negotiable Things in my Partnerships:

Celibacy, and therefore, my partners’ asexuality.

Sensual touching.

Maintaining independence and individuality.

Absolute freedom.

My partners supporting and accepting my relationship anarchy, which means my nonmonogamy and my general conceptualization of relationships.

My partners giving me the space and time to write.

Mental chemistry.

*Bonus:

What is that you have to offer your partner(s)?

A great deal! Passionate love, profound friendship, undying loyalty. I have this deeply caring, nurturing, affectionate side to me that I can’t wait to show in my most intimate relationships. I like taking care of people I love, I like expressing my feelings for them often, and I like being supportive whenever I can be. Even though I’m super independent and not inclined to mollycoddle anyone, I do enjoy being there for my partners and loving them warmly. I’m incredibly faithful, once I love someone, assuming the relationship is harmonious. I’m a long-haul type, all the way. When you’re looking for stable, long-term love, I’m your person. I’m very trustworthy and just about the most easygoing person you could ever meet, so life with me will be pretty mellow. I’m damn near impossible to offend, annoy, or anger. I’m quick to forgive and never hold grudges.

I’m a strong (though laid-back) spirit with a shitload of confidence, so I bring that to the table. I don’t need you to validate me. I don’t need you to need me; I don’t want you to need me! I’m extremely comfortable with solitude and value my independence, so you won’t find me in the least clingy. Go off and do your own thing whenever, and I’ll be cool without you.

I will never ask you or expect you to sacrifice something you want for me. I believe in freedom, I believe two people who love each other should remain individuals, and I believe that real love promotes joy. I want a full life for myself and for my partners, and I think that means we all get to do what we want, with or without each other present/involved. If our love is genuine, we can each do our own thing and then come back together and resume having a good time. (Which is what partnering should be about; if you’re not having a good time, why be there?!)

I’m also committed to reaching higher and higher levels of spiritual consciousness during my lifetime and conducting my important relationships from that consciousness. I’ll always stay interested in evolving for the better, as a partner and a person. My relationship philosophy is one that I’ve nurtured over the last few years with extensive reading that connects to my spiritual wisdom. For example: I’ve learned self-love is priority #1 and having a strong relationship with yourself is paramount if you want a strong relationship with anyone else. I’ve learned not to hold anyone, not even your partner, responsible for your feelings ever. I’ve learned to distinguish between love and need/dependency. And I’m not done learning. Not by a long shot. (I’m only 22!)

If I’m going to do this life partnership thing, I’m going to make sure I do my part to make the relationships as healthy as they can possibly be. And I will make sure that my partners evolve too, into people functioning at higher consciousness, people with strong self-love and confidence, people who reach their full potential, people who are empowered. By the end of our lives, my partners will be vastly better people for having been involved with me, than when they first met me. That’s the goal. 

Freedom and self-love are the bottom line, to me, for my intimate relationships. It’s what I want to live by.

What is it that you most want to share with them?

I want to share myself with them in ways I haven’t shared myself before. I want to be totally vulnerable and open with them. I want them to see and come into contact with all of me. My emotional side, my vulnerable side, my passionate/loving/sensitive/feeling-self…. I want to share that with them. I spend most of my time in cool, rational, aloof mode right now, and while I like that side of me too, I’m really looking forward to when I can tap into my purely emotional self in the safety of a really good intimate relationship. I have the capacity for huge passion, and it’s a pleasure to feel passionate about someone. I want to share that passionate love. And I want to share my sensitive/vulnerable side because it feels amazing to trust someone else enough to allow for that sharing.

What is it that you most seek from the relationship?
I guess the obvious answer is “love” but on second thought, that might actually be a screwy answer to this question. I will say that at this point, I’m more interested in loving my partners than being loved by them. I want the excuse to love, to care, to be passionate, to be supportive, to be the best version of me.

Maybe my real answer is friendship, because that encompasses a lot of things. I want to share my life and myself and my home with people I love. I want to have fun with them. I want to share cool experiences with them because even though I can have a great time alone, it’s always better when someone you love is there to share in whatever the experience is. Sharing—which is sort of synonymous with friendship anyway.

Oh, and lots of sensual touch. 😉

Passionate Friendship for the Celibate Asexual

I’ve been thinking about passion lately and what it’s role might be in my life and relationships, as a celibate asexual. Mostly, it’s been two questions or ideas: how much emotional passion can realistically exist in a long-term, successful relationship* with someone and would my own relationship philosophy be better served by using the term “passionate friendship” rather than “romantic friendship”?

*It bears mentioning, as always, that I do not use language the way the average allosexual person uses it. I reject the sexualization of emotional and social words. When I say “relationship,” I mean any relationship, not a romantic-sexual couple relationship. When I say “love,” I do not mean romantic-sexual love or even just romantic love; I mean love, period. And when I say “passion,” I’m talking emotional passion, an intensity of feeling that has nothing to do with sex, romance, or romantic/sexual attraction. I specify the presence of romance and sex when I intend to say something about them. Otherwise, I’m not talking about those things.

Over the summer, I read a book entitled Love, Freedom, Aloneness by Osho. It blew my mind. It had a very powerful impact and influence over me, not least of all because when I started reading it, I was already in a place compatible with Osho’s views on the topics of love, freedom, aloneness, and relationships. His book basically enriched and confirmed what I had begun to see and think about love and relationships. One thing he says in the book is that passion is hot, like lust, but love is a cool warmth. He makes the smart distinction between passion and love, first of all, then describes real love as ultimately detached and therefore cool in comparison to passion. Of course, most people mistake passion for love and think that love must run hot all the time, then mistakenly conclude that love is absent as soon as passion fades. He wrote about passion and love in a way that I think is compatible with allosexual society’s view: the only kind of love that can be passionate or feel hot is sexual love, whereas “friendship” is cool. What’s funny is that based on Osho’s philosophy, it’s the nonsexual bond that’s more conducive to genuine love (thus, its coolness), not the sexual bond that often never matures or survives beyond passion!

Everything I’ve observed in life, whether it’s my own personal experiences or the experiences of people I know or even people I don’t know but hear about, informs me that passion is not sustainable in any relationship. If you love someone for fifty years, you aren’t going to spend every moment of those five decades feeling passionate about them or the relationship. Passion comes and goes. Like romance. There can be recurring moments of passion in a long-term relationship like that, but it’s not a note you can hold perpetually. That makes sense because passion is basically intensity, and if you were at the highest level of emotional intensity without rest for years on end, I think it would lead to burnout.

So I question the role of passion in love. Real, genuine, pure love that lasts. I question whether passion is something that asexuals, particularly celibate asexuals, can experience in the same way as allosexuals or should even want to experience. Our media presents passion as exclusively sexual and romantic, and even then, the images we get of these earth-shattering passionate romances are a distortion of reality and ignore the fact that all of that intensity must eventually fade out, even if love remains. People get addicted to passion or what they think is passion: to need, to infatuation, to co-dependency, to obsession. To stage 1 of a romantic relationship, basically. And meanwhile, passionate emotion isn’t given a place in nonsexual, nonromantic relationships. At all. If you love someone passionately, society says that means you’re romantically (and sexually) attracted to them, because only romantic-sexual love is passionate.

No wonder that a stereotype of asexuals and celibates is The Cold Heartless Loner. (See also: The Frigid Bitch, The Misanthropic Jerk, and the Psychopathic Serial Killer.)

On the one hand, I think it’s important that the world and asexuals themselves recognize that an asexual, particularly a celibate asexual, is at least theoretically capable of passionate love. Hell, even aromantics are capable of passionate love—because nonromantic love can be passionate! On the other hand, it would also be good for everyone if we discarded this bullshit notion that passion = love and that emotional intensity, which can’t even be permanently sustained anyway, is a measure of how much or how seriously one person loves another. Obviously, we need to desexualize the word and concept of passion too. I’m pretty sick and tired of the allosexual masses using “passion” (along with “intimacy” and “sensuality”) as a euphemism for sex, not just because it supports the lie that nonsexual love and relationships are never passionate but because it backs the myth that all sex is passionate.

This brings me to the naming issue within my own relationship philosophy. I’ve been studying romantic friendship for years, since my early teens, and I’ve never had a problem with the term. It was actually coined in the 19th century, which was the last time that romantic friendship existed as a widespread cultural phenomenon in the U.S. and Europe (unless you count the World Wars in the 20th). That type of relationship has existed in various eras, all over the world, and no one really had a special term for it until “romantic friendship” went into use. On the surface, the term makes sense: it describes a relationship that’s a friendship—implicitly nonsexual and different from the traditional couple relationship—but includes “romantic” elements. However, for my purposes, I wonder whether “passionate friendship” would actually be more appropriate.

Using “romantic friendship” to describe nonsexual relationships that are emotionally and behaviorally intimate and loving beyond common friendship does present a few problems: it still upholds the idea that high levels of emotion and physical affection can only be characterized as “romantic” or motivated by romantic attraction; following this, an aromantic person who wants or has a relationship like this probably isn’t going to like calling it a “romantic friendship” because it would create confusion about their orientation, etc (which I always thought was one reason for the coining of the word “queerplatonic,” a word which is problematic too if you care about the bastardization of the term “platonic”); furthermore, using the term “romantic friendship” creates an opening to falsely connect a person’s romantic orientation with the friendship, making the friendship reflective of the friends’ romantic orientations when it may not actually include romantic attraction at all.

Separating “romantic” from “nonromantic” love and feelings, when you’re an asexual or aromantic, can be really slippery and something I don’t even personally do because I’m an RA and don’t give a fuck about the difference….. But if most people are going to continue to differentiate between the two, I still think that nonromantic love can be passionate to a level equivalent with the standard romantic relationship, maybe even more passionate. (Mind, I’m not saying that’s common. I don’t think it is. But however uncommon, that kind of passionate nonromantic/nonsexual love does exist and existed in history and therefore needs to be acknowledged).

To me, passionate friendship is a relationship that’s nonsexual, emotionally substantial and significant to both people, emotionally and physically and mentally intimate, includes frequent emotional expression and frequent touching in affectionate ways. It’s a big deal, emotionally, to the people involved. It’s of equal or greater significance than the average romantic-sexual couple relationship. It does have some level of exclusivity, if only because the kind of connection necessary for this sort of friendship doesn’t just happen every day, with anyone. And it may be that the passionate friends don’t want each other to have a similar bond to anyone else. The actual passion comes in sometimes through words and sometimes through touch but primarily, it’s just a feeling. It’s the intensity of love. And how much more intense it feels, than the liking or loving or attachment to other friends, how wide that gap is between the passionate friendship and all the other friendships, really can’t be known by anyone except the person in the passionate friendship. But there’s definitely a difference. Being the spiritual person I am, I think it really is based on a spiritual connection. It’s a passion and attraction of the soul, which is a totally abstract way of describing it, but that’s how I’ve always conceptualized it.

I, for one, feel deeply fond of passionate friendship as a relationship type that’s distinct from romantic nonsexual relationships, a relationship that goes beyond romance and beyond the romantic/nonromantic binary of relationships, a relationship that reshapes what “friendship” can be and mean. I’m with the historical thinkers, though: I think the real deal is pretty rare. Probably rarer now than it ever was before. But it makes me glad that I’m a celibate asexual because in this society, in this culture, if anyone can understand and thus potentially experience a passionate friendship…. it’s a celibate asexual or aromantic.