View from a Rhino House: lonesome trails

In Boulder, Colorado a man riding a horse to his brother’s wedding over 900 kilometres away in Utah was arrested for drunken driving, animal cruelty & assorted other charges local police said, yesterday.

Patrick Schumacher was taken into custody late on Monday afternoon after reports that he had hit the horse in traffic, causing it to rear-up, & officers found him clearly the worse for wear, police spokesman Ryan Huff said.

Huff said Schumacher failed a field sobriety test & a search of his saddle bag turned up a small pistol & beer, while a small dog named Bufford was found in his backpack.

Schumacher was arrested on charges of animal cruelty, prohibited use of weapons & reckless endangerment, as well as drunken horseback riding (& yes, in Boulder, they do have a law that covers that).

When asked by officers why he hit the horse (called Dillon), Schumacher said that he was swatting a fly on its head, Huff said.

Dillon & Bufford were provided with accommodation overnight by the Humane Society of Boulder Valley while Schumacher’s overnight arrangements were a little less luxurious. The police kept the pistol as evidence.

After being released Schumacher rode off on the horse, with Bufford again in his backpack, telling officers that he was still heading for his brother’s wedding in Bryce, Utah, Huff said.

Schumacher told police that he’d lost his driver’s license, so he decided to make the trip to his brother’s wedding on horseback.

Just a guess, but if he & his brother are alike, he should arrive just in time for the divorce.

Damned flies....
Damned flies….

Caring & sharing #139

Dear Agony Aunts

I have just discovered (on my honeymoon) that my husband is not interested in any sort of physical relationship between us. You can imagine how disappointed & upset I feel, & it’s not like there was any indication before this that there was anything to worry about. I know we hadn’t actually done “the deed” before the wedding (we both have busy jobs & travel a lot) but I’ve been banging his brother for 5 years now & never had any grounds for complaint or the faintest suggestion that he would in any way fall short of his brother’s performance (they’re identical twins).

What the hell should I do? I’m not keen on the idea of giving-up on a sex life nor sharing a life with this impotent little wimp!

“Claire”


Dear “Claire”

Surely the answer is obvious? Dump the impotent little wimp & shack-up with the brother; you probably don’t even need to go through the bloody ceremony again, since they’re identical twins, & let’s face it, no-one’s going to be any the wiser.

If the little runt objects, or the brother doesn’t want to play ball (which sounds like it would be a first) we’d suggest a small but fatal accident might be worth considering & we’ve mailed you our pamphlets “Accidents in the home & how to engineer them” & “Creative widowhood” which can at least ensure that you can grieve with a reasonable standard of living to look forward to. 

Let us know how you get on.

Aunts

Love can be no tougher....
Love can be no tougher….