For Janosč repositioning his apartment’s air conditioning was simply a matter of a few screws and a helping hand from his next door neighbour, Ali. All was going smoothly when his neighbour’s visiting brother-in-law mentioned that he had seen Janosč the night before in a rather passionate embrace with Ali’s wife…
With kind permission from Randy Glasbergen
Dear Agony Aunts
I have inadvertently run-over my fiancé some 8 or 9 times, following a disagreement about his recent “lad’s holiday” which turned-out in fact to be with a local barmaid.
Any suggestions for getting him out of the rear axel & avoiding any legal problems?
“Jenny”
Dear “Jenny”
We’ve got a couple of suggestions that will work best if you have access to the barmaid in question’s wardrobe; if you can’t get an item of her intimate apparel (possibly from a launderette or clothes-line) it might be possible to achieve the same results with a new garment but it will need to be of her size.
If your fiancé is stuck in the axel, & not just wedged against the floor-pan, much will depend in whether or not the car is drivable. If it is you should drive it, after closing-time, to the pub where the little madam works, leave a piece of her clothing (or reasonable substitute) under one of the seats, & torch it. If the car is not drivable perhaps you have a friend who could arrange a tow for you? Torching it outside your own home is a last resort but not likely to prove too difficult to explain to your average plod.
Next time don’t use your own car or be satisfied with a simple 1 or 2 “bumps”.
Aunts
Dear Agony Aunts
My wife has been behaving very badly towards me recently after she found out that I was sleeping with her sister.
It’s not like we ever had a threesome or anything but she just doesn’t seem able to get over it, even though I bought her a really good box of chocolates (they were in the sales) & told her that in future I would only sleep with her (& the girls from the office).
How can I get her to see reason?
“Mario”
Dear “Mario”
Try a well-written suicide note.
Aunts
Dear Agony Aunts
My sister always spoils everything for me & this week I found her sleeping with my new boyfriend.
Do you think I should tell her about the genital herpes?
“Missy”
Dear “Missy”
It’s probably better that you do tell the little cow, & it will after all give you yet more in common. We also suggest that you might jointly decide on some sort of retaliatory action on the recipient of your joint affections.
We’ve emailed you separately a copy of our small pamphlet “Accidents around the home & how to engineer them” & would particularly draw your attention to Chapter 9 which covers casual infidelity, simple wiring mistakes & plumbing. Try offering him a shared-shower with both of you & stand back & watch the sparks fly.
It’s easy enough to find another ‘YY’ chromosome but sisters are more difficult to replace.
Aunts
Dear Agony Aunts
I have decided to ditch my boyfriend after I caught him in bed with my sister.
Any suggestions on how deep the ditch needs to be to hold both of them? I do have access to a JCB but I’m not good at anything more complicated than a simple trench yet.
“Minnie”
Dear “MInnie”
How nice to receive an e-mail from a young woman who is both determined & prepared!
We’ve discussed your question with friends in both the areas of forensic science & civil engineering & the consensus seems to be that you need to be deep enough to fox the sniffer-dogs, yet not so deep that you run into problems with pipe work. Say around 2 metres to 2.5 deep & about 1.5 across by 2.5 long would seem to be ideal & should take even an amateur JCB operator no more than 90 minutes – even working at night.
Go to work girl.
Aunts
Dear Agony Aunts
I think my wife is having an affair, which is bad enough, & she is raiding our savings account to pay for plastic surgery – a rather expensive breast augmentation – to improve her “self image” she says.
What should I do?
“Barney”
Dear “Barney”
This is nothing more than normal male paranoia.
You should try to be more supportive of your wife as she struggles to make herself more attractive for you – possibly you might suggest that she & a friend should take a short break together to help her recover from the surgeon’s knife.
Pull yourself together.
Aunts
Dear Agony Aunts
My husband has recently started to go to the gym, started to diet & has bought some rather too trendy (for a 50-something) clothes. He’s also started to work very long hours & next month has got to spend a weekend away on a “team building” exercise – although why a minicab driver should feel the need to be part of a team is beyond me.
I am beginning to think that perhaps all of his odd behaviour might have something to do with the new & rather glamourous receptionist/checker at the cab company & I wondered if you had any suggestions?
“Barbara”
Dear “Barbara”
We’d suggest a small incendiary device under the hood of the cab timed to go off while he’s on his way to his weekend assignation. That should take care of two birds with one stone (as they say).
It is important to make sure that all his papers, Will etc are up to date & we’ve mailed you a copy of our small pamphlet “Creative widowhood” which should deal with any little queries you might have.
If you are not terribly technical get a neighbour or relative to construct & attach the device & make sure that both of you are wearing gloves.
Aunts
ThursdayAgain 
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