When Pete heard that he’d got the job as the Pope’s double he was thrilled, as was his mother – a devout Catholic. The reality turned-out to be rather disappointing for both of them and after the first few days they never mentioned Pete’s career again.
Frankie was a decent sort of guy to have as boss but he really had a problem with handling the referee’s decisions in the weekly 5-a-side kick-about and the game mainly seemed to consist of him appealing to the guys in the Curia every time he was booked for a major infringement or dissent (which was disappointingly often).
Dear Agony Aunts
My fiancé Michael has just been promoted to Cardinal & will be leaving next week to take up his duties in Rome. He says he will send for me as soon as he is settled & has found us somewhere to live, & that we can be married at last, but that in the meantime I shouldn’t call or write to him. Honestly, it’s just like Dublin all over again (when he became a Bishop)!
I know that Michael loves me & that God has said we are going to be together, but I can’t help but feel a little insecure, what with the twins about to start school & our next little bundle of joy due at any time.
How can I encourage Michael to fetch us over to join him quickly without sounding like a nag or making him even more stressed?
“Mary”
Dear “Mary”
Do not plan on moving to the Eternal City anytime soon.
We don’t think you should worry Michael with the details of your relocation & we suggest a letter direct to the Holy Father should help to move things along. Truthfully we don’t think that Michael’s recent promotion is going to make your life together (or your marriage prospects) any easier but a word to the “Boss” should ensure that at least you & the kids are well provided for financially.
If you have any compromising or “saucy” photos of Michael you should include those with your letter to the Pope; he’s known to have a good sense of humor & it should give him something to chat about with Michael when they are sorting-out arrangements for you & the family.
Good luck with the confinement.
Aunts
Dear Agony Aunts
I have repeatedly asked my husband for a divorce but he says it is against his religion. We have never had a happy or comfortable life & I feel that his job has always prevented him from committing to me as much as I would have liked. Also he has never allowed me to join in any of his work’s social activities or socialize with any of his colleagues.
He is a cardinal & we married on my 16th birthday some 5 years ago, he is 64.
“Duff”
Dear “Duff”
We’re afraid that you are in a rather difficult position here, but largely one of your own making.
In spite of what your husband says we are fairly sure the his religious scruples are groundless & that the current Holy Father would be only too happy to see the marriage come to an end. There is the question of providing you with an income to live on (or “hush money” as it is known in Catholic circles) but the church has traditionally had little difficulty in providing properly for others caught in similar circumstances to your own.
We’d suggest telling your husband that you will be writing to his boss unless he is prepared to begin making arrangements to end the marriage. If he still proves to be difficult you should tell him instead that you will be writing to the BBC & Snr. Berlusconi – if that doesn’t shift him nothing will.
We’d suggest converting to protestantism as a matter of some urgency.
Aunts
Yesterday afternoon Pope Francis said it “pained” him to see priests driving fashionable, expensive cars, & told them to choose something more “humble”.
As part of his efforts to make the Catholic Church more focused on the needs of the poor, Francis told a group of seminarian (soon-to-be) priests & nuns from around the world that having the latest smartphone or fashion accessory was not the route to happiness. (Steve Jobs must be turning in his grave.)
“It hurts me when I see a priest or a nun with the latest model car, you should not do this,” he said.
“A car is necessary to do a lot of work, but please, choose a humble one. If you prefer the fancy one, just think about how many children are dying of hunger in the world,” he said.
Since succeeding Pope Benedict in March, the former cardinal Jorge Bergoglio has declined to make use of some of the more ostentatious trappings of his office & continues to live in a Vatican guest house for visiting priests, rather than the papal apartments.
The ANSA news agency said the pope’s car of choice for moving around the walled Vatican City was a Ford Focus. (Who said you can’t get to heaven in an old Ford car?)
The Pope needs a car for inside the 44 hectares of the Vatican City? What’s wrong with a bicycle, or even walking?
ThursdayAgain 
You must be logged in to post a comment.