Pete had not realised that the fish-farming industry could be so competitive until he discovered that ruthless fish rustlers had emptied-out his largest production pool. He put up warning signs for the rustlers at once, and 2 weeks later took delivery of a significant number of young alligators; for some reason he was not able to put up a warning sign about them for a further six months.
Derek was so enthralled by Joyce’s complicated story about how she contracted “single duck-foot” syndrome on an Antarctic hiking holiday that he completely failed to notice her accomplice steal his bicycle and pick both of his rear pockets.
In Seattle the police are hunting a man suspected of stealing the toilet cistern from a pubic restroom as workers at a Subway sandwich franchise prepared his family’s meal, it was reported yesterday.
The man & his family went to the Subway on Sunday evening, after placing an order, he entered the restroom & remained inside even after his wife knocked on the door, asking why he was taking so long. Eventually she & the kids left without him, Seattle police said in a statement.
When the man eventually emerged from the bathroom after a further 30 minutes, he hurriedly left Subway’s carrying a large plastic garbage bag, police said.
An employee who later entered the bathroom discovered the toilet cistern was missing.
Subway workers valued the stolen cistern at $550*, police said. Witnesses at the scene were able to provide police with a description of the man, who remains at large, police said.
This craze for take-out DIY is really going too far.
* Which is why they work at Subway & not for a plumber (although they may have been trained in cost management by NASA).
Dear Agony Aunts
I have recently found that my husband has been spending our retirement fund on some cheap tart who works in a lap dancing club. When I tried to talk to him about it at the weekend he simply packed his bags & moved into a fairly swanky hotel, also paid for out of our retirement fund.
To be honest I’m not really that upset to see him go (oh, if only he’d done it 20 years ago) but I do feel that our retirement nest egg is taking a bit of a beating. We’re both in our early 60’s & I had hoped that the savings would have paid for a retirement treat, such as a cruise & or a trip to see our grandchildren in New Zealand. I also think that it is a bit unfair that he is drawing out so much money for his “fling” when frankly he didn’t put that much into it; I’m a bank manager & he has been unemployed for the last 10 years, & it was me that risked 15 years for embezzlement to get the money!
I’ll be retiring next month so I could do with some advice fairly quickly on this one.
“Lucy”
Dear “Lucy”
Clearly you are a strong woman with a reasonably sophisticated moral code that allows you to do what is right, regardless of conventional morality (viz the embezzlement). To that end we’d suggest the old “insure him up to the hilt before he has an accident” ploy that has worked so well for us in the past.
We’ve already e-mailed copies of our “Husband exit management” pamphlet & our recently published “Creative widowhood” e-book which we think should prove interesting reading & might offer you some useful insights into how best to move ahead with your life without the encumbrance of either cheating husband or Coroner’s enquiry.
Enjoy your retirement.
Aunts
In the Czech Republic a convicted fraudster, on the run from prison, was hired as the chief economist at a museum, where he stole some 10 million Czech crowns, national media reported.
Police arrived unannounced on Thursday morning to arrest Vladimir Prokop at his office at the National Agricultural Museum. He made his escape through the museum’s exhibition halls, down an emergency exit staircase & then hailed a cab in front of the museum’s main entrance & in full view of a number of police squad cars & officers, it was reported late on Friday.
The money stolen amounts to over 30% of the museum’s annual budget. As a “strange-but-true” footnote, most of the stolen cash was found in plastic bags at Prokop’s flat when police searched it later on Thursday afternoon.
Prokop got the job under a false identity & after passing himself off as a trained economist; it appears no checks were made on his background & no references were taken-up by the museum. Calls to his phone number, still listed on the museum’s website on Saturday, went unanswered.
Last June he escaped from prison where he was serving time for embezzling 10 million Czech crowns from the Prague branch of the Evangelical Church of Czech Brethren, where he managed its foreign donations.
Got to love a man who doesn’t give-up the first time he’s knocked back.
In the US a Georgia animal shelter’s “Lucky Dog” adoption program promised offloading pet owners not to euthanize their dogs for a $100 fee, then killed them (the dogs, not the owners).
Charges against the shelter’s former director, Lowanda “Peanut” Kilby, include theft & racketeering, Rabun County District Attorney Brian Rickman told reporters yesterday.
Pet owners dumped their animals at the Boggs Mountain Humane Shelter for a variety of reasons, including the owners’ failing health, incompatibility with children & failure to blend-in with the new curtains (amongst other reasons), Rickman said.
Having been “guilted” into paying a $100 for a guarantee that the pets would not be killed, the now former-owners received emails & notes from the shelter saying that the pets had been adopted.
“In fact the pets were already dead,” the district attorney said.
The prosecution alleges that “Peanut” received money from the owners of 28 animals who were promised that their pets would not be euthanized. She is also charged with stealing more than $10,500 in shelter funds.
Kilby has turned herself into authorities & has been released on bail, said Rickman.
In an interview on a local TV station, Kilby denied the allegations.
“No kill means no kill,” she told the television station. When presented with the case of one “Lucky Dog” who was euthanized, Kilby said it was because the animal had a failing heart.
I don’t think it was the dog’s heart that was failing.
ThursdayAgain 
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