Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock!”
We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said.
“We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?”
, asked Bubba.”
Just let me do the talkin’, OK?,” said Earl.Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?”
“No, sir,” said Earl while pointing at the labels.
“We’re on the patch.”

…  SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

Today is Sorry Day.

If ever I was angry with you,  

 if I ever misbehaved with you or hurt your feelings……….

Don’t hesitate JUST SLAP YOURSELF because

it must have been your fault anyway.  

 I’m basically an AWESOME PERSON and I forgive you.

CIAO!!!!!!

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
 
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. 

They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
“It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.”

“That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass.
“It’s red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south western slope, oak barrels.”

“Correct.”

The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who’s the father!” 

Good morning boys and girls. Hope alls well with you.

I had a hectic night which started off by doing some shopping…yes even bachelors have to eat. Thereafter I went flat hunting and saw this beautiful place near where I stay. Pity the lady wants an astronomical amount for rent!

When I was done with that I was too lazy to attempt cooking so I drove to McDonalds for a Big Mac meal. I don’t know if any of you have been to the McDonalds near the Kenilworth Centre but I must say they have the friendliest staff I’ve ever come across. The lady at one of the drive thru windows asked me, with this huge smile, how I’m doing and I didn’t even notice so didn’t reply. She kept this smile and waited for me to answer and when I was on my way she cheerfully said “enjoy the meal and have a lovely evening” So refreshing to be helped by someone so friendly…beats those ladies at Spar who seem so irritated and look at you as if you being there just messed up their whole day!

Whilst I was waiting at McDonalds the song on the radio was interrupted and the DJ said that they’ll be crossing over to Millpark Hospital where there will be an announcement on the condition of Nelson Mandela. This however never came and I’ve checked this morning, still no news. Is it just me or is this starting to look suspicious? I mean would it really hurt to tell the public what is going on? Mandela is a public figure known worldwide and us as South Africans deserve to know what his condition is. The only official news I could find was a statement from the Foundation saying that he’s just at the hospital for routine tests and he’s comfortable. Then there was a report on News24 that said Winnie Mandela was spotted leaving the hospital in tears…is this for real or just exaggerated journalism? A lot of questions and officials just don’t see the need to answer them. This will lead them to come to their own conclusions and with that rumours will spread. Well I’m not involved in Public Relations so I’ve got no idea what’s suppose to happen but as a concerned citizen I know I’d like to know what’s going on.

Be that as it may I hope Madiba is well, I know he can’t live forever but it will be said day when he has to part ways with this world.

Anyways hope you all have a great morning.

Cheers

TRJ

False teeth at Bree Str – Joburg CBD!

This could only happen in SA !!! 

WHILE STOCK LAST 
  
Selling ama False Teeth. A pair costs only R20-00. Used ones cost only half the price – R10-00. 
  
At Corner Bree and Rissik Street , Down town Jozi You have to test each pair until you find a pair that fits you perfectly!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
   

  
p.s. *These are collected from Funeral Undertakers around Jo’burg. (We are proudly South African—we use South African Undertakers only) 

COURAGE?

      What is the meaning of courage?

      Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?

      Is it to fly a fighter plane in combat?

      Is it to practice free fall parachuting?

      Is it bungee jumping?

       Wild water rafting?

      Bulls@#t!

      Those are nothing!

      THIS, my friend, is COURAGE!!!

Good morning guys…hope all is well with you.

I just love the weather we have today…nice and sunny with some cloud cover, which I assume will disappear later on, and a lovely cool breeze. I just opened up my window and won’t worry with the aircon today.

Last night I went to bed early, around 21.30, and woke up just before 23:00. I was watching Top Gear when I fell asleep so when I turned on the TV it was still on BBC entertainment(I think that’s the name). There was this quiz show on, QI, hosted by Stephen Fry and it was one the most hilarious shows I’ve seen in a long time. Pretty similar to a show I used to watch on KykNet but they had celebrities on and Fry asked all these stupid questions and the answers they came up with had me in stitches!

This had me thinking. For some reason I’ve started watching and really enjoying British comedies. At the moment I’m in love with My Family and I try to watch it whenever I have time. I think there’s just a different type of flair to their comedy shows…I admit sometimes it borders on being a bit lame but you get those moments where everything just clicks and they have you on the floor with laughter.

I’ve always loved Top Gear…Jezza is my hero, just the way he reports on new cars and the things he comes up with. I’ll never forget the last episode I watched. Jeremy had to test the new BMW X6 and for some reason they blew their budget and only had a couple of pounds left for the last show. I think this is a load of bull but it nevertheless led to a hilarious final episode.

So with no money left Jeremy was told not to go overboard with his review of the car and you can just guess what he did. He went crazy asking questions and then traveling all over the world just to answer those questions. On his segment alone he blew everything they had left…this meant that they had to stretch out the show just to full out the remaining time. Just love Top Gear!

Another favourite is The Kumars at No 42. Sometimes it can be pretty lame but you have to give it up for the celebrities who go on their show…they never know what to expect!

Let me just finish off by saying…I don’t really like the Poms, the can be really arrogant (almost as arrogant as the Aussies) but I won’t pass the chance to watch a good British comedy

We’ve had the different levels of hangovers now lets have a look at the differents levels of drunkeness! lol

LEVEL 1:

It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool.”

LEVEL 2:

It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I’m cool.”

LEVEL 3:

One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen!” At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,”Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.”) But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger….and he’s buying. And you’re thinking “Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep…and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I’m cool.”

LEVEL 4:

Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don’t like his face! And now you’re thinking, “Our busboy is the best looking man I’ve ever seen.” You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an …after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, “Well….as long as I’m only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well….STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I’ll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ….cool.”

LEVEL 5:

Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor (“But I don’t even know anybody named Ruby!!!”), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as…that morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is going, “Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I’ve got that brunch with Hitler, I can’t miss that.” At this point, you’re all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, “Someday I’m gonna marry that girl!!” One of your friends stands up and screams, “WE’RE DRIVIN’ TO FLORIDA!!!!!”- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say…”Who’s Ruby?” Let’s be honest, if you’re 19 and you stay up all night, it’s like a victory like you’ve beat the night, but if you’re over 30, then that sun is like God’s flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, “I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!” And some of us have that little addition, “……and this time, I mean it!”

Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well.  However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **

Slight headache. Don’t feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy.  You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once.

4 star hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 star hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell) *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very gently.