Hi guys

Extremely busy the last couple of days so no time for blogging.

Here’s a funny to put a smile on your faces…I know its quite a read but its worth it 🙂

Hope you all have a wonderful day

Cheers for now

TRJ

A businessman walks up to the bartender in the lounge of a
plush hotel. He leans over and in a low voice, says “Listen,
I’m going to be here for the next week, and I’m kinda lookin’
for some action, know what I mean?”

The bartender gives him a knowing smile. “See that lady over
there at the end of the bar? She ain’t the greatest looking,
but believe me, she’s the best.”

The man thanks the bartender then sidles up beside the lady and
buys her a drink. “Hi. I was told that you’re the best. I’d
like to find that out for myself.”

The lady looks him up and down then says, “I’ll give you a hand
job for fifty bucks.”

“Fifty bucks! For a HAND JOB?!? I could get LAID for fifty
bucks! That’s ridiculous!”

“Come with me, I want to show you something.” The lady leads
the man out to the parking lot of the hotel. She points at a
mint Porsche 911 Turbo. “See that car over there? I paid for
that car with the money I made from hand jobs.”

The man is taken back. Wow, he thinks, she MUST be pretty
good. “Okay, let’s do it”

Best hand job the man ever had. He couldn’t believe it. There
was no doubt in his mind that it was worth the fifty bucks. A
couple of days later he sees the lady in the bar, and deciding
he wants more, asks: “How much for a blow job?”

Casually, she replies, “Five hundred.”

“FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS! You must be out of your mind! No one
would pay that kind of money just for a blow job! That’s
insane!”

“Come with me to my place. I want to show you something.” She
takes him back to her condominium, his curiosity getting the
better of him. The place is gorgeous. Expensive art decorates
the richly furnished dwelling.

“Wow,” he says as he looks around. “This place is amazing. It
must have cost you a fortune.”

She smiles proudly. “I paid for all this with the money I’ve
made from blow jobs.”

“You can’t be serious!” The man is beyond impressed.
“All right,” he says, “You must be worth it. I know I’m crazy,
but let’s do it.”

The man gets the best blow job he’s ever had in his life. It
was the most mind blowing orgasm he’s ever experienced, and he
thinks about this all the next day. The next night he finds
the lady in the bar and says “I can’t get you out of my mind.
You ARE the best. I HAVE to know what it’s like to have sex
with you. I don’t care what it costs.”

The lady gives him an almost sad look. Expecting the price to
be beyond his means, the business man follows the lady as she
leads him once again into the parking lot.

“See this hotel?,” she says, gesturing expansively.

The man looks up at the plush exterior and braces himself for
the bad news. “Don’t tell me…,” he breathes in awe. “This is
ALL yours?”

She smiles as she looks at him. “This WOULD be all mine — if I
was a WOMAN.”

Just a quick joke…. enjoy! 🙂

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband,
John, was at work.

One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard
her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph:
“Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is
home early!”

Ralph looked out the window and said: “I can’t jump out the
window! It’s raining like hell out there!”

Mary cried: “If my husband catches us in here, he will kill
both of us!”

So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window!
When he landed outside, he found himself in the middle of a
marathon race. So, he started running along side the others, only
he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the nude?”

Ralph answered, while gasping for air: “Oh yes, It feels so
free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”

The other runner then asked the nude man: “Do you always run
carrying your clothes on your arm?”

Ralph answered breathlessly: “Oh yes, that way I can get dressed
at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

The runner then asked: “Do you always wear a condom when you
run?”

Ralph answered, “Only if it’s raining.”

Its funny how we all have our own pet peeves and other rather strange and sometimes stupid habits, beliefs, rituals or whatever you like to call them.

I have quit a few of these some of them being silly, to say the least.

When I walk on tiles, rather large tiles, I unknowingly try not to step on the borders of the tiles. It’s not a superstition and I don’t think that I will be struck down if I step on one of the edges, it’s just some I do as I walk along. Just like when I sit down waiting for something or someone I like to count things…normally things that can be divided into 4, like pillars or things on the ceiling. Don’t ask me why I just do it…silly hey!?

Then I have my bathroom habits.

When doing a number 1 I try not to pee directly into the water and rather hit the edges so as not to make any noise. For some reason I just hate that sound and whenever I go to the toilet I make sure I don’t hit the water directly. Another strange one…but hey, we’re all special, me included!!

One of my biggest pet peeves I find at a place I really enjoy…the gym, but this happens in the bathroom/changing rooms. I hate walking in there and have all these men walking around with their willies dangling around. I mean ffs! You go in there to change so you can start you gym session or change so you can go home after your gym session. There’s no reason whatsoever for you to be loitering around NAKED!

Then you get to the showers and the toilet.

As a guy we have no problems finding a place to do a number 1, whether it be in the toilet, against a tree next to the road or just behind a wall somewhere, our tools are easily accessible and we get it over and done with without any hassles.

Number 2’s on the other hand needs a toilet (well I suppose you can go all primitive if you like) and I just find it extremely hard to use public facilities. I would rather go home or if I am to use it, it needs to be one huge emergency!

The showers at the gym are a definite no no. I would never use those…you just don’t know what people do in there. You’ll get athletes foot on your balls if you use those!

Reading back now I realise I am a rather strange guy, hey maybe suffer from a mild case of OCD lol! Well be that as it may, I’m still special…that’s what the voices tell me J

Cheers

TRJ

Good morning guys, hope you all had a great weekend and you’re lekker refreshed for the week ahead.

My weekend was weird…to say the least!

Friday was a nice and relaxed night, chilling at home and having a cold one to celebrate the end of another week. Saturday morning I was up early to go to the gym and when I got back it was time for the Sharks v Crusaders game – oh and sorry Sharks supporters!

Saturday evening a friend invited us all over for a braai so I got in my car and drove over to his place…there the sh!t started!

First the negatives…

When I got there I found out my ex will also be there (you know how it works when you date someone and you have the same friends) and it was the first time since the break up that I’ve seen her, and yes the break up was bad. So I decided that I don’t owe her anything and I just stayed out of her way and she did the same. I admit it was sh!t seeing her again but at least it’s done now and I know I can handle it.

I woke up Sunday morning to find out that they broke into our cars!! Both my car and another friend’s car had their rear passenger side windows smashed. They took my friend’s tape and CDs and they took my amplifier. Thing is my wallet was in the car and I always have money in the ashtray but they didn’t even touch the front of the car. Druggies looking to sort out their next fix me thinks. This all happened in one of the more quiet neighbourhoods in Cape Town, Kirstenhof. Anyways I don’t really care about the amp or my England top that is missing (I’m way over the loud music)…it’s just the dame inconvenience of having to drive around with a fucken broken window. I tried patching it up last night just in case it rained but it came off on my way to work this morning. I’ll have to get it replaced asap…can’t be driving around with a piece of plastic as a window!

TO THE GUY WHO BROKE INTO MY CAR…I HOPE YOU GET ELECTRICUTED WHEN YOU INSTALL THAT AMP AND ONE DAY WHEN YOU GET ARRESTED FOR THIS SHIT I HOPE YOU GET TO SHARE A CELL WITH PAPPA’S REPLACEMENT!

Anyways enough with the negatives, now some good news!

It seems as if a young lass has caught the eye of..well…my eye hehe!

Yes love is in the air and it happened just after I was forced to hang out with my ex! Weird hey!? Lets see how this works out…I’ve learned not to expect too much so I’m gonna let this one play itself out before anything gets too serious. Will let you know what happens J

For now I need to prepare for a big settlement meeting later on…we’re talking big bucks here!

Cheers

TRJ

SKOOL SAKE

Juffrou: “Klas, wat gee hoenders?”  Marie: “Eiers.”

“Klas, wat gee boerbokke?”

Sannie: “Bokmelk.”

“Klas, wat gee ‘n koei ons?”

Jannie: “Wiskunde en bleddie huiswerk.”

Juffrou vra: “Wie kan ‘n sin maak met halstarrig?”

Klein Sipho: “As iemand hy poep by die taxi en die window maak die fog, ons halstarrig asem.” (Loved This one!)

Juffrou vra of iemand kan verduidelik wat ‘n “bachelor” is.

Kosie: “Juffrou, dis ‘n man wat Saterdagaand dorp toe gaan, saad plant en dan Sondag bid vir ‘n misoes.”

ANDER

‘n Man wil ‘n bra koop vir sy vrou, maar weet nie watter grootte om te koop nie. Die verkoopsdame sê: “Vat aan my borste, dalk is dit dieselfde grootte.”

Die man antwoord: :O, ja, en sy kort nuwe panties ook.”                                                                                                           .

Boer aan sy vrou: “As jy so buk, is jy so breed soos my stroper.”

Die aand soek hy ‘n knippie.

Sy vra: “Moet ek die moerse stroper start vir so ‘n klein mielietjie?”

Die vrou loop rond in die duur matwinkel. Net toe sy buk om aan die mooi mat te voel, poep sy kliphard. Die verkoopassistent staan agter haar en vra of hy kan help. Sy vra: “Hoeveel kos hierdie mat?”

Die Assistent: “Mevrou, as jy gepoep het toe jy aan die mat gevoel het, gaan jy in jou broek kak as jy die prys hoor.”

Jannie se ouma kuier oppie plaas en Jannie hardloop by die plaashuis in waar sy Ma en Ouma besig is om middagete voor te berei.

“Ma, Ma, die bul spyker die koei!!”

Ouma skrik haar boeglam en kry omtrent ‘n hartaanval.

Jannie se Ma gryp hom aan die oor en trek hom buitentoe en sê: “Luister nou mooi Jannie, jy kannie rondloop en sulke lelike woorde gebruik nie, gebruik iets anders, soos… sê eerder—– die bul verras die koei.”

‘n Paar minute hardloop Jannie weer die kombuis in. “Ma, MA, die bul verras nou al die koeie!”

“Onmoontlik Jannie” sê sy Ma, “die bul kannie al die koeie verras nie.”

“Ja, hy kan Ma, want hy spyker nou die perd!”

Jannie sit een oggend op die sypaadjie met ‘n bottel swembadsuur besig om dit oor miere uit te gooi, soos hul verbykruip. ‘n Engelse priester loop verby, kyk na die storie en vra: “Good morning, young man, What are you doing with this little bottle?”

“Ek brand die miere, oom.”

Die priester dink dat dit bietjie gevaarlik is vir die laaitie om met sulke tipe van suur te speel en probeer dink aan ‘n manier om Jannie te laat vaar van sy planne.

“I have a bottle of holy water here that you could put on the ants instead. I once put a drop of this on a woman’s belly and she passed a child.”

“Daai’s fokkol nie, my oom. Ek het eenkeer ‘n druppel van hierie goed op ‘n hond se ballas gesit….and he passed a Kawasaki !”

TOYOTA

Die twee eerstejaar studente het ‘n bietjie te ver met die vryery gegaan, en besluit om die  nooi se ouers die naweek op die plaas oor die onverwagse swangerskap te gaan inlig. Die hele aand het die kêrel gewroeg oor hoe hy by die voorgenome skoonouers oor hul lot gaan vertel, maar hy kom nie sover om dit te doen nie. Die nag het hy sleg geslaap en die volgende oggend was hy vroeg weer op. hy was verbaas om oral op die plaaswerf net Toyotas te sien. In die garage het ‘n Camry gestaan, onder die boom ‘n Hilux en in die stoor was ‘n Land Cruiser. Selfs die plaas se naambord was geborg deur Toyota . Terwyl hy hom so verwonder, groet die Oom hom skielik. Die arme kêrel skrik hom flou. Maar kenmerkend van ‘n student herstel hy gou en vra die Oom uit oor al die Toyotas.

Oom: “Toyotas het baie goeie masjiene. Hul ratkaste gee nie in nie. Die Land Cruiser se vere kan jy maar laat werk. En selfs in die winter sukkel ‘n mens nie om die Toyotas te start nie.”

Waarop die kêrel vinnig antwoord: “Oom se dogter is seker ook ‘n Toyota . Ek het haar net so ‘n ligte stootjie gegee, toe vat sy!”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

GATIEP EN MERAAI

Gatiep se vrou vang hom in die bed met ‘n los-girl. Sy gooi hom van die 4de verdieping af en skree: “Jou fokken insek, as jy kan steek, kan jy vlieg ook!”

I was reading a story on News24 about a 22 year old guy who died during an initiation ceremony in the Eastern Cape. This is the third circumcision related death this month..This is according to the article but it wouldn’t surprise me if there were more.

Growing up in the Eastern Cape you get to learn a lot about the various Xhosa cultures but one thing that has been always closely guarded secret is the initiation ceremony. None of the men who go through the process are allowed to discuss it with anyone who else who’s yet to go through initiation or who isn’t Xhosa.

I remember seeing those huts in the veld where they guys would stay during the initiation process and always wondered what they were doing there all by themselves. As I grew up and the neighbourhoods became more multi-cultural you would see more and more of the traditions associated with the initiation process, but you never really knew what was going on. The “umgidi” was one you couldn’t miss…huge party to welcome back the newly circumcised.

When I was 16 I was selected for the provincial under 19 cricket team. As the team was mostly made up from schools in the country the majority of the team was black, with a handful of whites and coloureds. We travelled to Oudtshoorn where we played in the SA tournament.

I was the youngest in the team so I sort of just sat back and listened to the older boys chatting. One black boy started talking to me, calling me an inkwekwe and when I asked what it meant they started talking about the whole initiation process. Now I always wondered what happened at these ceremonies so I had thousands of questions to ask…and they were prepared to answer them!

First of all “inkwenkwe” generally refers to someone who is uncircumcised but it’s also used to refer to someone who is regarded as “wet behind the ears” or a “boy”. Being the youngest I was called inkwenkwe for the duration of the tour lol. The initiation ceremony is called the abaKwetha ceremony and the initiates are called amaKwetha. These terms I’ve heard before but never knew what they meant.

They couldn’t give me the full details as one of the other boys became extremely angry at them for telling me what happens at the ceremony. Here’s a quick summary of what they said:

The iniates have their heads shaved before the ceremony and thereafter a elder…I remember them calling him a witch doctor….would stretch the foreskin and cut it with a spear! No medicine whatsoever is used during the procedure and the boy would shout something when the foreskin is cut…if I remember correctly its “I am a man” in Xhosa. Thereafter they boy would stretch the foreskin over his thumb and the witch doctor would wrap the penis in goatskin and the boys will be smeared with mud and then enter the huts where they will live for three months. The penis is treated with herbs and no modern medicine is used.

At this point the guys were stopped from telling me anything else but what I heard until that point assured me that I would never, EVER, do anything like that. Imagine having you penis snipped without any meds to help with the pain! No ways…plus I don’t trust anyone near my member with anything sharp unless that person is a qualified doctor and studied at a reputable varsity (preferably Stellenbosch hehe).

Would any of you non-Xhosa guys out there do anything like this? Or would you be too scared they cut of just a bit too much off you little man as you need every bit lol!

Cheers

TRJ

Ps. The information in here is as I remember it

Morning guys

Been really busy the last couple of days but I thought I should at least come visit blogland and see what you guys are up to.

So here’s a joke whilst I go have a look around.

Hope you all have a great day 🙂

Cheers

TRJ

Klein Johnny se pa vra hom eendag, “Weet jy van die blommetjies en bytjies?”

“Ek wil dit nie hoor nie!!” sê klein Johnny en bars in trane uit.

Verward vra die pa vir klein Johnny wat fout is.

“Ag, pa,” snik klein Johnny “Op die ouderdom van ses het ek die “daar is geen Kersvader” preek gekry.

Op die ouderdom van sewe het ek die “daar is geen Paashaas” preek gekry.

Dan op die ouderdom van 8 gee jy vir my die “daar is geen tandemuis nie” preek!!!!

As jy my nou gaan vertel dat grootmense nie regtig spyker nie, het ek niks meer om voor te lewe nie!!!!!

I’ve been going through my last posts and noticed that I’ve become way too serious and that the light heartedness of blogging has somehow gone missing.

Well I think it’s time to get the fun back and where else to start but our local witch doctors.

You guys may remember an article on News24 some time ago about a witch doctor who was killed because he had an invisible penis which he used to have sexual intercourse with the women in the village. His wife was also known to turn into a snail and terrorise the village.

After some weeks it now appears that you may kill the witch doctor all you like but you cannot get rid of that invisible penis. Just have a look at this:

It seems as if our famous witch doctor’s invisible penis has made his debut in the new 3D porn theatres and this unfortunate woman was one of its victims. Yes ladies and gentlemen, this lady merely went to go watch a 3D porn movie and she was impregnated. After careful search through the theatre it was established that our President Jacob Zuma was not in the vicinity so it just had to be our witch doctor’s invisible penis who managed to plant its seed of Africa in this unknowing female. It’s a pity we don’t have a picture of our witch doctor…just to compare it to the baby.

Good morning guys, hope all is well. Just wanted to say thanks for all the comments last week, will let you guys know what happens.

It’s strange to have such nice weather outside but according to the predictions it will change on Thursday; fortunately it is a public holiday so at least we won’t have to go to work.

As I am responsible for all the dirty work in the office I spent most of last night doing research for a domestic violence matter we’re doing tomorrow. We trying to get the matter dismissed on a technical point as this is a normal everyday dispute where one person just doesn’t like the other and there is no form of any violence or any abuse whatsoever, just a plain abuse of system if you ask me. We could be petty and let them obtain the order and then just get our own order so they can see who gets the other arrested first, but this is just a disgrace for the real domestic violence matters out there. Sometimes people just don’t realise that they, through their petty issues, take up valuable time that could be used to help an unfortunate victim of domestic abuse.

This is really a serious offence in South Africa and, I’m sorry to say, way too prevalent. I’m sure each and every one of you have dealt with this in some way…whether it happened in your household, a family member’s, friend’s or just a neighbours, we’ve all seen it.

I’ve had to deal with this when I was younger which is why this always strikes a chord whenever I am involved in it.

I was about 6 years old…my sister was still a baby and we were still living with our Granny. Even though I was young I can still remember exactly what happened that day.

Dad’s work had him doing a lot of travelling, so he would usually come home late most nights. The previous night was the same and I was already asleep when he got home. The following morning I woke up when my parents started getting ready for work. Mom sat me down in the kitchen and gave my Oats (still my favourite) and she went back to their bedroom.

As I was eating I started hearing my parents’ voices…they were arguing about something and all of a sudden it all erupted. Both of them were shouting and I jumped up and stood in there for a minute, almost frozen, not knowing what to do. When I heard Mom crying I snapped out of it and ran to the room where I saw Mom on the bed and my Dad standing over her. I don’t know what came over me but I ran up to Dad and bit him on his ass then jumped on Mom turned to face Dad and just stared at him. I held out my arms covering Mom, not knowing that my little arms barely covered her body. Dad looked at me and started to cry and tried to come towards me but all that went through my mind was that nobody will hurt my mother. I think I may have even growled at Dad. When he realised I wouldn’t budge he turned around and walked out the door, took his keys and went to work.

That was the last time I ever saw them fight and, even till today, they keep their voices down when they argue and Dad has never touched Mom again.

When I was older I asked Mom about what happened that morning. Apparently Dad got so angry when they were arguing he just grabbed her and threw her on the bed. She said the last she saw was him lifting his arm and she closed her eyes and only opened them when she felt me on top of her. I never asked Dad about it, I just couldn’t talk to him about it.

I don’t resent him for what he did even though he had the intention to really hurt Mom, he has always been, and still is, a great dad and he’s spent his whole life making it all up to Mom. They’ve never been happier and it’s always a joy seeing them together, having fun.

We were fortunate that it ended there…some people aren’t, they have to deal with this every day.

Such a lovely winters day in Cape Town but I’m in a rather foul mood today, totally opposite of how I felt yesterday.

Like every other person who questions his chosen path or career I’ve done the same today. I normally find all the lawyer jokes and the common notion that all lawyers are evil and are only in it to make money of unfortunate victims hilarious, but to be honest these cretins are out there. Every time I’ve dealt with them that interaction, however brief it may be, has left me with a rather sour taste in my mouth about our profession.

I’ll be lying if I say that money had no part to play in me deciding to study law and ultimately become a lawyer but being in a position where you can actually assist someone less fortunate than yourself far outweighed any monetary gains I would get from it. We all want to live comfortable and be able to know that you basic needs are taken care of, but you get people, in particular this asshole I’m dealing with, who preys on unsuspecting victims and those who put their trust in them just in order for them to make an extra buck out of it. It makes me sick to know that they are out there, giving us who want to help others a really bad name…no wonder all these jokes and generalisation are out there.

For obvious reason I can’t tell you exactly what happened, but what I can tell you is that I have clients who are not well educated, they come from a impoverished background and they’ve been shamelessly exploited by a slime ball who I wish I can hang up by his balls with a razor blade swinging towards it to turn him into what he’s always been…a immoral bitch who doesn’t have the balls to be in this profession for the reason it exists, which is to ensure that justice is done and that those who need protection receives it.

I have discussed this with my boss and we’ve agreed to take the matter on a pro bono basis. I will do everything in my power to make sure this heartless piece of shit is brought to book and that the Law Society removes him from the roll which I’ve worked so hard to get my name on.

I wish I could tell you more but just send your thoughts to this unfortunate family, they really deserved so much more than they got.

To all the real attorneys out there…we need to stamp out this unethical behaviour that has become so prevalent in our profession. I truly hope that by doing my bit one more cretin will be removed and one family may be saved undue hardship.