I spent two hours at a fet gathering Saturday. I am, perhaps, too square for this crowd. Besides the bearded ladies, guys in skirts, and general transgressive sexual expression, I’m not finding men with similar relationship needs. The most relatable person I met was a male sub (I hope he is a man).

So… while I intended to attend a meeting tonight, after reviewing the RSVPs, I’ve tentatively decided to stay home. I’m depressed about this. I had hoped to connect with like-minded folks, but the OKC scene appears queer-friendly to the exclusion of me.

[Update: I attended. “Strange” people overwhelm the scene, but I found something I’ll investigate further before abandoning the effort.]

Perhaps I shouldn’t post this, but I thought it was pretty funny given the latest news about the SPLC.

Work in the last of my moving tasks have occupied the majority of my time for the last few months. The full scope of the job is starting to reach me finally. It’s nice in a way because every day is a little bit different and there’s always some new demand without any effort on my part to introduce tasks. For example today ended with an email question from one of our business partners seeking our opinion regarding a construction detail. I’m genuinely a little bit surprised that he’d even ask and not just come up with a solution, except I do appreciate that we’re supposed to be the experts of the particular product with license and so he may have some expectation that we possess special knowledge that we probably don’t. Even so I’m discovering that in my 50s I know a lot more than many other people due to the bread and depth of experience I’ve stumbled into during my career. It’s almost too easy to reach back into my memory and pull out some anecdote from a prior bit of employment where I was required to solve some challenge which has direct bearing on the current predicament.

Money isn’t tight per se, but there isn’t quite enough to take care of everything as quickly as I would want to take care of things on the personal side. I’m expecting, for example, a reasonably large sum for a tax return this year from the federal government, but it has yet to materialize in my bank account. This puts me with less cash on hand than I’d prefer. It’s not as if I’m struggling, but I’ve been eyeing that motorcycle for years now and it’s starting to really bug me that I can’t quite set aside money for it versus other minor demands of my income. Don’t feel sorry for me: One of those expenses was renting a slip for the wife’s speed boat. In lieu of a beach vacation I expect that we will spend most weekends of the summer pursuing lake vacation.

I teased her earlier this week by sending her an image from my Twitter feed of a bikini clad woman tanning on the netting of a catamaran. I told her that I was satisfied with spending money on the boat slip in exchange for the view that I couldn’t get if she’s riding behind me on the motorcycle. However, I think it’s unlikely that she’ll be riding behind me on the motorcycle anytime soon. Not for lack of a motorcycle, but for lack of trust in my ability to safely drive a motorcycle.

Springtime is here, and Oklahoma has turned color from a decidedly sickly yellow to a much healthier green. This will oblige me to mowing the lawn, but this is nothing nearly so daunting as the acre I mowed with a push mower back in Arkansas. I didn’t time it, but I think it takes me about 40 minutes for the front and back lawns. I’ve got a fair bit of nutsedge ruining the lawn, but I think we’ll have it under control sometime next year. I still think I’m nearly 3 years away from amassing the funds I want to build or buy a house. It seems more than a little depressing at this late stage in life to not have a pile of cash laying about from some highly lucrative home sale, but I think a large part of why that hasn’t happened is due to never quite getting the full income of two people together, and prioritizing the welfare of my children over my accumulation of wealth.

It’s not like we don’t have a pile of cash set aside for retirement. And so I’m not worried about that. And I’m in truly excellent health all things considered. I was listening to my coworkers – have been listening, really – and I’m amazed by how much struggle everyone seems to have well before reaching the age of 70. I stay active, but it’s not anything particularly special. I get to the gym only sporadically, so most of my exercise is just taking care of things around the house, in the yard, or general outdoor activities such as hiking or camping or swimming. It’s not as if I’m a marathoner or triathlete or even some sort of casual sports enthusiast. Probably the most difficult thing I do anymore is hunt, and I’ve missed that for a couple years now at least.

Still, I feel as though I’ve not really accumulated the discretionary wealth I should have at my age. I’m sure I’m not the only guy in his ’50s wonders where all the money’s gone. You’re probably reading this chuckling to yourself and thinking, “Didn’t you just say you rented a boat slip?” So I’ve got to admit that it isn’t a complete mystery. We haven’t lived a life devoid of vacations or new cars, but I really haven’t had any of that at any level of significance until the last 5 years. Before that, it always seemed like the wife and I were either both struggling to enter good income, or one of us was severely underemployed. We each used our underemployment to help the kids, but that comes at a personal financial cost. Being Mr Mom, or Mrs Mom, isn’t a lucrative gig. But neither of the kids are on drugs, the girl is married and has her own kid and a husband, and the boy’s just finished his second year of college with a 4.0. So, maybe all the investment went somewhere other than a bank account.

I’ll be visiting the farm for Memorial Day. It appears that the whole family will be there. I’ll go directly from the farm to a client meeting for a couple days and then from there home. I never know quite what to expect at the farm anymore. My parents are definitely too old and unhealthy to manage the place. My dad certainly tries, but it’s just too much. I wish I could be in a place personally where I could help more, but part of the impediment is my parents themselves. I don’t think they understand how to transfer a farm from one generation to another, and I don’t think that my mother’s mother or grandfather knew any better than she does. I’m a broach the topic again Memorial Day weekend if my brother is there too. I may need to say something even if he’s not. My parents will soon both be in their 80s, so this is not a conversation I would be wise to put off much longer.

I was hoping to get to the lake this weekend, but I just checked the weather and it seems unlikely. I could run down there tomorrow. It’s supposed to be a bit hot, and the weather is supposed to hold for the most part, but I was hoping to take care of some miscellaneous business Saturday and then go Sunday. I also feel a bit bad making a trip to the lake without the wife. She’s off traveling next week and this weekend. It’s a ministry trip, so she’s meeting with people all week and then heading home Friday morning. I’ll be left to my own devices all week long in addition to the last half of this week. I scheduled myself a few social outings of the “community” type. They’re all very social hours. The first will be tomorrow afternoon just after lunch at a pool hall. So I’ll go and play bad pool and drink bad beer and try to make bad friends. There’s another gathering I think Monday night which is a more traditional munch and gathering of multiple groups. I’ll try to get out to that one, too. Finally, there’s a gathering Wednesday night as well. This is a second group which seems maybe a little misaligned to my personal values, but it might still be an opportunity to meet people and expand horizons. I’ll attempt a report.