i wonder..

im tired..
tired of trying to satisfy others..
tired of trying to be someone thats not me
maybe its good cuz that someone that im trying to be so badly is better..
but god knows how much it hurts when people starting to judge..
starting to bad mouth..
seeing me as if like im just trying to get attention..
not really wanted to sincerely change...

i dont know when did i starting to be someone like this..
thinking too much bout people's impression..
taking into account what people think..
giving a damn on whats gonna be said by em..

i miss the old me..
the one who didnt give a shit bout others..
living my life as how id like it to be..
doing my stuff without even thinking twice..
life was simple..
i want samting,i fight for it..
love someone, i court her..
hate someone, i just curse him..

this life,
its not as what id been dreaming of..
everyday is stressful..
everyone is important..
too many hearts to consider,i forgot to cheer mine..
for what im believe,i care for em..
but do they care bout me,
i doubt...

maybe im lonely..
maybe im too pathetic..
but im just a man..
ive a feeling,and it is a bitch..
too sensitive nowadays..
just whats gotten into me,
i wonder..

a piece of puzzle

when i let my brain wandering around freely,
it just loves to pick a killer question..
a question that i wont be able to answer..
a piece of question mark that would let me astray..

there are a high mountain and 2 persons..
both of em trying to get up to the top of the mountain..
the only difference is their will, how much n eager they are to reach the top..

1 guy is so committed to step on the very top of the mountain...
so he struggles so much..
bleeds a lot..
but he never gives up..
he keep on walking and even crawling..
however,God knows better..
maybe He has a better plan for him..
so He makes him trips and fells down back to the very beginning..
it takes him millions times of trying to make him realizes that the top of the mountain is never meant to be the end of his struggle..
so he backs down and remains on the bottom..
he improvises and try to make some life there..

the other 1 guy, he just follows the flow..
he wants to reach the top cuz thats what everyone else would do..
so he walks..he slacks off..uses some shortcut and even sit on others' back like a parasite..
he never put so much effort as for him,
its okai if he cant reach the top..
but God is the best mastermind..
the guy manage to get his ass to the top...
without spilling any blood,neither a single drop of sweat..

its a reality..
it happens in a real life..
i saw it with my own eyes few times already..
even me myself might have been on both shoes..

the question is..
arent we gonna get something as much as how far we have been fighting for it..if we put real deal efforts on it??
isnt God the most merciful and fair??
is He gonna keep on putting us in trials no matter how much we sabar and keep on fighting,up until the moment we are giving up??
or is it the giving up the one He always wanted to see in us?

but thanks to my friend..
making me realizes that there is only 1 answer for all those question..
takdir..or simply put as kuasa Allah..

i cant remember the source but i think i heard it somewhere..
”Ya Allah janganlah Engkau serahkan diriku kepada diriku sendiri walaupun sekelip mata.”

and only now i think i can understand the doa..
after reading some words i found in the internet..

Mengapa? kerana diri kita lemah, ilmu cuma ‘sekerat’, kudrat kita terhad. Mana mungkin kita dapat mengharungi kehidupan yang begitu mencabar ini hanya bersandarkan kekuatan diri. Justeru, dalam doa itu Rasulullah saw berpesan  agar serah dan pasrahkanlah hati serta diri kepada Allah.

Kita tidak mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk diri kita sendiri. Kita hanya penerima, kita bukan Pemberi. Yang memberi ialah Allah, dan Allah menegaskan apa yang diberikanNya untuk kita adalah baik belaka. Namun akal kita tidak akan mampu mengetahui rahsia di sebalik yang pahit, pedih dan sakit. Mahunya yang manis-manis sahaja. Apatah lagi nafsu… ia akan memberontak apabila terjadi sesuatu yang berlawanan dengan kehendak tabienya.

Apabila berlaku sesuatu yang berlawanan dengan kehendak diri, berlakulah stres, marah dan sedih. Itu biasa. Hal itu sentiasa berlaku dalam kehidupan. Yang luar biasanya, apabila kita memilih untuk ‘berkelahi’ dengan takdir. Kita tidak menerima warna-warni kehidupan seadanya. Kita tidak berdamai dengan takdir sebaliknya memilih untuk memberontak, mempersoalkan dan melawannya. Persoalan kenapa? Mengapa? Sering menghantui jiwa.

Bayangkan kita sedang berjalan di tepi pantai sewaktu matahari mula terbenam. Warna di kaki langit menjadi jingga, oren dan kuning keemasan. Kita melihat dan menikmatinya sahaja. Kita tidak berkata, “sewajarnya ditambah warna kuning, dikurangkan warna jingga.”

Tidak! Kita tidak akan berkata begitu. Sebaliknya kita memilih untuk ‘bersahabat’ dengan alam dan menikmati lukisan alam seadanya. Hasilnya? Kita tenang. Kita nikmati alam seperti seadanya… akur kepada Pencipta senja.

Ironinya, sikap kita tidak begitu apabila berdepan dengan ‘lukisan takdir’ pada kanvas kehidupan kita. Sedangkan lukisan alam dan lukisan takdir itu sama-sama datangnya daripada Allah. Mengapa kita memilih untuk berkrisis dengan ketentuan Allah dan tidak mahu menerima semua itu seadanya?

i wonder whats wrong with me..
why such questions keep on appear in my mind..
why cant just let me live peacefully..
but still im grateful cuz i found the answer for this puzzle..
though there are lots more puzzles still remain unanswered..

ill die trying!!

ive been on the top for quite some time..
it felt so good
all the luxury and advantage i had in my hand,
they fit me very well..
i love it and never wanna lose it..

as in today,
the circle of life takes it's turn..
keeping me down to the bottom..
to the very depth of nightmare..

i lose all those things that used to keep me sleep tight at night..
i forget how to control things..
how to manipulate my target..
every sweet dreams seems to be memories..
keeping me smile in my sleep,
but regret in the reality..

its time to wake up..
to stand up high on the sky..
to grab what was meant to be mine..
i wont let anybody stay on my path..
i wont let em take away my dreams..
they will stand right on my enemy list...
and im gonna crash em down..

those good things gonna be mine again..
just let the time decide..
even if i cant get it,
ill die trying!!

i believe

whats the point of knowing the answer
if i cant even understand the problem..
its like taking all the meds in the world
without understanding the disease..

its no use..
the meds might be able to heal me..
but the probability??
its 1 out of millions...

when it comes to maybe..
it may be yes or no..
im lucky enough the meds i take,
its cure..
but what if it only worsening the disease???
as i never know for sure the root of the disease..

been days since i tried to figure out whats my problem..
i already know the solution...
but its nothing unless i could figure out the problem..
its like walking in the dark..
knowing where to go..
but never know where to start..

many people around me start talking..
cursing and bad mouthing about me..
for straying away from the path..
but im way too tired to satisfy their will..
whats d point of making em smile,
if im suffering inside out..

just let me..
find my own way..
choose the path to walk...
its okai if its full with thorns
its okai if i lose my leg for stepping on fire..
cuz i believe in what im holding close to my mind..
and never stop believing..

1 fine day,this bloody journey will come to a junction..
entering a brighter road..
leading to the 1 ive been missing for long..
the 1 who always trust in me..
and reminding me for the wrong road ive taken..
i believe