Memo to the Peanut

To: The Peanut
From: Mommy

Did you have a nice Christmas Peanut? I bet Christmas in heaven is wonderful. We had a great Christmas, although I have to admit, I wanted you here to celebrate it with even though I know you had a wonderful Christmas with Jesus. But, it just wasn't the same without you. I hope and pray next Christmas will be with you in my arms.

Do you know what is feels like to love someone you've never even met? To think of someone all the time, every second of every day? To cry uncontrollably because that someone isn't here for you to hold? To want someone so bad you'd do anything? That's the way I feel about you Peanut. I love you so much. I know it's just a matter of time before you, me and daddy are together, but it's so hard to wait. I feel like there's a huge hole in my heart that needs to be filled and only you can fill it. I love you so much that I can't imagine loving anybody or anything more.

I love you more and more every day and I miss you. You're on my mind all the time....when I'm eating, driving, working...anything. I watched the first snow of the season come down and wished you were here to see it. I fell on Christmas and got bruised up pretty good and you know what my first thought was? I was so worried I had hurt our peanut....and you aren't even in my tummy yet. Crazy, huh? But, that's what I think about all the time...you. Some people would think I've lost it and would be relieved to know I'm seeing a therapist, but I know my friends who are waiting for their peanuts to come can say they feel the same way and their peanuts are on their minds all the time. When you're waiting to be a mommy or a daddy, you'll understand.

Your daddy and I love you so much. We talk about you all the time. You should see the twinkle in your daddy's eye when we talk about you. We both can't wait. We know it's in God's timing and He knows what's best. It's hard to be patient though sometimes, isn't it?

I hope I didn't use too big of words for you to understand. I'm sorry this was so long. I guess we know where you got your writing ability...we both know it certainly wasn't from daddy. :)

We love you peanut and are anxiously awaiting your arrival.

So much for triplets.....second post of the day

The ultrasound this morning showed the 2 eggs on my right at 35 and 25. The one on the left has shrunk to 17. So, sorry mom....no triplets....but could be twins. :) I'll still let you quit your job if that's the case. :)

So, the plan is to do the Ovridel tonight at 8:30 and then do an IUI tomorrow morning at 8:30 and then Sunday at 8:30.

Oh....the pharmacy called today and said the HCG arrived today.....gee thanks. At least we'll have it for next month. Wait a minute, there won't be a next month. :)

Thanks again for the wonderful support guys!

Christmas pictures

The four of us

The five grandchildren

The whole family together

Peyton giving Adelaide a kiss. Isn't that so cute? :)

Our Happy Birthday Jesus cake

I'll be updating later today with the ultrasound results and the plan. :)

U/S results

Just a quick update on the u/s. I'm very frustrated. Grrrr! Okay, so I had an ultrasound this morning and I have 3 good eggies! 1 at 30, 1 at 20 and another 1 at 19. That's good news. So, the plan was to do the trigger tonight at 8:30 and then do an IUI at 12/36 post trigger. Everything was working out great. Then, apparently the pharmacy is out of HCG and the 3 manufacturing places that have it are out. I'm just sooooo frustrated. Why couldn't they have HCG on hand???

They can get Ovridel which works kind of like the HCG but they can't get that until tomorrow morning. So, we're gonna do the u/s again tomorrow morning to make sure I'm not ovulating and then we'll do the Ovridel tomorrow night.

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise? I don't know....after all there are 3 good follies, can we say trips?? Maybe if I O on my own, I'll release one good egg....but I want as many chances as possible. Why can't one month go smoothly? It's ridiculous. The OPKs are frustrating me, too. Usually they get darker as O comes, but this month, it's been getting lighter and lighter. It seems my body just won't cooperate any more. :(

I want these things out of me! I've had burning and dull pain for the last week...I'm assuming because of the Clomid and I just want them out.

I love TTC....I love TTC....I love TTC....I love TTC

I'm a terrible aunt

I meant to blog this yesterday and it totally slipped my mind. :( Yesterday was Tyler's fifth birthday!! Happy birthday buddy!!! This picture is from his birthday last year. His birthday party is this Saturday, so I'll be sure to share pictures!!







I called him last night to talk to him and wish him a happy birthday. While I was talking to him, I heard a "plop". I asked him what that noise was to which he responded "That was my poopy. Peyton and I are going poopy and my poopy was so slippery that it just came right out". Kids are so cute. :)

On the TTC front, I had another u/s yesterday and it showed a follie at 29 and another at 17. I have another u/s this morning. My MW wants to wait until I have 2 at 20, but I think I talked her into doing the trigger no matter what today. I'm a little nervous about waiting too long....I don't know. I've been having burning and pain on both sides, so I kind of just want them out of there. I guess we'll see.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! I'll be sharing Christmas pictures real soon. :)

HSG

It went very well. :) I had quite a bit of cramping and then some bleeding afterwards, but for the most part, it was fine. Right after we were done, the tech said she's seen people pass out from it. Thanks for that info after the fact. :)

They said everything was clear. My right was more open than the left, but not bad and apparently it shouldn't be a problem and is fairly common? I don't know but they said not to worry about it so that made me feel better.

But, dang it, why isn't this working then??? In a way I was kind of hoping that they would find something wrong so we could fix it.....but I know, it's good there's nothing wrong. I don't think anything can make me real excited at this point. :)

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!!! Thanks for all the encouragement and support!

I'm still here!!!

I know it's been awhile since I updated. I've been at training for work which is done now...woohoo!!! I'm not gonna miss that, but I'm gonna miss the donuts every morning. :)

Thanks so much to everyone for your wonderful comments. You helped me a lot. I've realized that TTC is definitely something we want to keep continuing to do as it is something that we can do together and I believe it's gotten us much closer these past couple years. I feel much better about the situation and knowing that we're doing the right thing.

I did find out that our insurance will cover IUIs and follicular u/s next year! I'm excited about that. I'm still waiting to find out about in vitro, so I'm waiting for a call regarding that. I don't mean to say this to brag and I hope others don't think that. I know I'm fortunate and very lucky we have the coverage we have as I don't know what we would do without it. I do believe there is a reason we have the coverage we do....I think God doesn't want us to give up and he knows how expensive things get with all of Mark's meds and stuff.

On the TTC front, my baseline u/s showed no cysts! :) I'm excited about that. Today will be my last day of Clomid. I'll be having my HSG on Monday and they'll be doing an u/s then to check as I seem to respond extremely well to Clomid so they want to make sure. I'm nervous about the HSG as I've heard some painful stories....but it's worth it to know that everything is clear and/or there's a problem. Thanks to everyone for your wisdom and sharing so much with that. :)

I hope everyone has a great Christmas! You know how I'll be spending my Christmas Eve. :) Santa better be real good to me this year. :)

No heart attack for Mark :)

Mark was still having the chest pain yesterday so I brought him in. They were worried about a heart attack. They ran a bunch of tests and everything came back fine. They can't 100% rule out a cardiac issue, but he didn't have a heart attack which is good. They said we could do a stress test and an angiogram, but we know the stress test hasn't been real thorough in the past and the angiogram last showed that his blockages were so bad he needed a transplant, so in our minds, why go through that for that news again?

I did seriously think about stopping TTC for awhile and just concentrate on Mark. I didn't tell Mark that because I knew he would convince me not to. I talked to my therapist last night who really helped calm some of my issues. She said that TTC is something Mark and I can do together which I never really thought about. With Mark being sick, we haven't been able to do a whole lot together as a couple and this is something we do together. Mark goes to every IUI no matter how he's feeling, etc. Plus on my bad days when all I want to do is sleep, that's something we do together too. :) So, that made my decision for me. Plus, I think TTC is giving Mark an extra little boost in life.

We are going to try this month and then take a break for a month, maybe 2. Emotionally, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I'm exhausted. My therapist and I did decide that if I make it to #10 with a BFN, we're gonna get a big chocolate cake and eat the whole thing in between our tears. It sounds so good that I just know that BFP will be coming now. :)

Today I have my baseline ultrasound and labs and will be starting Clomid 100 mg today.

And I gotta go to training for work....yuck! Anyone wanna trade days?

I need more rocks and eggs

It's been a frustrating couple days. Let's start out at Thursday when I got the news that I indeed was not pregnant.

Thursday afternoon: My MW asks me about my insurance coverage for next year as it's possible the IUIs may run into January and we need to know the coverage. I e-mailed HR about it, telling them I need to know. Basically, they were pretty rude about it, stating they had already told me and what else did I need? I told them they quoted me from the insurance book we have now, not the one we will be getting. So they said it'll "probably" be the same coverage. I told them "probably" wasn't good enough and that I needed to know. Back and forth we went. Finally they said to call the insurance and see. I told them I needed a group number, otherwise, they'd laugh in my face. Duh! So, after searching for an hour, they finally found it. I called the insurance who put me on hold for 15 min only to tell me that they hadn't received what the group wanted for coverage so they couldn't tell me what was covered until they got that so I needed to contact our HR representative....you can imagine how well I took that. After 3 hours of going back and forth, I still know nothing.

Then, my dog was limping really bad. He had Lyme disease 3 months ago, so we thought it was a flare-up of that and brought him in. The vet thought he might have a tumor and did x-rays. That was what I needed and sat there and cried in the vet's office. They ended up not finding a tumor but thought it might be too early. They found Lyme disease and lots of arthritis, so our dog is on 2 different antibiotics. We left the vet's office $140 poorer than we came in, but Eddie's worth it. Plus with his phemigus, they decided steroids would be too hard on him, so he was put on vitamin E instead and looks like he will be on that for the rest of his life. Poor dog. He's doing better now, though, so that's good. I have to get more antibiotics for him, though, which will cost another $30. Why can't pets be on our health insurance? They're a part of the family too.

Friday morning: This was actually fun and I enjoyed it. I had off work and the kids came over and we baked cookies. Here are some pictures:


Peyton giving Mark a kiss....so cute. :)

My mom and Tyler making cookies

Peyton and Tyler

Tyler and I.....you're not baking unless you have flour on your cheeks. :)

My mom and Tyler made a gingerbread house....so cute. :)

They stayed until about 1:30. Then I crashed. I slept until 4....I don't know why. I think I'm depressed. As much fun as the kids were, I'm taking this one really hard. Take into effect that AF still hadn't come, it was tearing me apart. AF was due Thursday. I went to bed at 8:30 that night. I thought I'd probably have trouble sleeping because I slept so much that afternoon, but nope, fell right to sleep. :(

Saturday: That morning I woke up at 6:30 which is actually late for me (I'm an early riser). I ate and Mark had his pills and ate, too. Then, at 8, I went back to bed and slept until 11:30. I don't know what's wrong with me. Do you guys think I'm depressed? I thought for sure AF would be here by now, but she still hasn't showed. Anyway, after lunch, Mark told me he was having some muscle aches in his right shoulder. I could tell he was having discomfort all afternoon. Finally, about 4, he told me he wasn't sure if it was muscle pain as it was starting to feel like the pain he had when he had his heart attack 4 years ago. He took a nitro and the pain was gone immediately....which is good....but scary, too. We then had a really long talk. Mark's really concerned that his heart is getting worse and that it's gonna be a rough year. He wanted me to be prepared for that. He's worried he's gonna have another heart attack. That scared the crap out of me. All night, he couldn't get enough of me. He was hugging me, telling me how much he loves me, telling me how important I was to him, etc. He held onto me soooo tight. He told me he couldn't live without me and I told him he didn't have to and that I was there until the end. I told him he wasn't going anywhere and that I wasn't going to let him go without a fight. He said that was the best thing he's ever heard from me.

I'm really scared. I'm scared to death of losing him. The way he was talking, it was like he knew something or felt he needed to tell me these things. All I want is to be able to give him his baby before something happens. I believe that's what he is holding onto right now. Why can't I just give him one?

I still haven't gotten AF. I started spotting late last night which I do before AF comes full force, but nothing this morning, not even a little tiny spot. I need her to come today because otherwise I won't be able to do the baseline u/s on CD3 as I'll be at training for work for 3 days. I did figure out that if AF comes today, we will probably be timed to do an IUI on the 25th....Christmas Day...yeah, like that's gonna happen.

I feel like I can't win.

I need a dozen cartons of eggs and even more rocks. Sorry this was so long. I feel better after writing it though.

Why?

Do you know how many times I've asked that question? I don't understand it. I don't get why wonderful people have so much trouble becoming pregnant. There are teenagers who don't want their babies and kill them and hide them and then there are people like me who want a baby so bad it physically hurts. Why?

I feel horrible for Michelle. She's tried 9 times and is now onto IVF. Her husband serves in the military and was in Iraq. With all they've done for our country and how much they want to be parents, why can't they? It makes me mad. I know deep down there's a reason. I know God doesn't want his children to suffer, but why do we?

Last night, I was physically ill because I was hurting so much. I just want to be happy and there's a huge hole in my heart that just can't be filled. And to see the look on my husband's face when I have to tell him it's negative....that's something no married person should have to go through. I believe in my heart I'm meant to be a mommy. My desire is too strong. I just don't understand why it's taking so long. I've always felt "second best". Mark was married before me, so I feel "second best" even though I know for a fact Mark doesn't feel that way. I've got two wonderful stepsons....but of course I'm not their "mother", so again "second best". I'm so close to my niece and nephew and I know they love me so much....but again, I'm their aunt and not their mother...again "second best". I want my own. I want to be a mommy so much I felt physically ill thinking about what I don't have. I know I have so many wonderful things in my life, but I'm still so unhappy. I know that's selfish. I know I'm very blessed....I just have a hole that needs to be filled.

Thank you SOOOO much for the support everyone. The responses have been so wonderful and it means so much to me. I wish I could thank each one personally and hug each person for all the support. God bless you all! This month was tough. You'd think after 8 tries, it would get easier, but it definitely gets harder and harder. I'm fully aware about the progesterone and how it can affect temps and cause symptoms....trust me, I've done all that research and read up on that so I know progesterone like I know the back of my hand. This month was different though. My temps didn't follow the normal pattern it does on progesterone and I had cramping and bloating at times that I never had had it and I had symptoms I didn't even know were symptoms. Granted some of them could definitely be related to the progesterone but I know some weren't.
I do believe that when you want something so bad, your body will play into it. I can sit here and tell myself for hours that I have a headache....and I will. I can tell myself I'm tired....and I will be. The mind is a tricky thing and I realize now that I'm not crazy....I just wanna be happy and be a mommy.

Thanks again for being here! (((HUGS)))

Official BFN....onto #9

Blood test came back less than 1.....I was never pregnant. I don't understand it at all. My MW thinks maybe I'm getting sick which is why my temp is up....who knows.
All I know is that I had symptoms I've never had and symptoms I didn't know could be related to pg. Am I going psycho? Do I want it so bad that my body tricks me into it? I'm so embarrassed that I'm like this.

BFN

**WARNING** This will be a negative post. I'm usually upbeat and positive, but I'm not in a very good mood today.

I was originally going to wait until Friday to test because I had the day off of work. Well, last night before I went to bed I prayed so hard to God that if I wasn't pregnant, please don't give me any false hope and let my temp go down. If I was pregnant, then let the temp stay the same and let me test. I know....you shouldn't put "boundaries" on prayers and God's will, but I felt strongly that God would lead me. This morning my temp went up 0.3 to 99.02. (Check out the link from the previous post). That's the highest it's ever been at this point in my cycle. I thought for sure I was pregnant and tested with both an Answer and a digital, both BFN. I'll be requesting a blood test today to confirm before I stop the progesterone.

I don't understand. Am I a psycho? I had symptoms this cycle I've never had before. Granted, I felt AF was on her way, but as many people have said, a lot of people think AF is on her way only to be surprised. Why am I having symptoms and high temps without being pregnant? I feel like I'm losing it. I feel so stupid and like such a retard for thinking that there is even a possibility. And to see the look on Mark's face when I told him this morning. I know he mostly feels bad for me, but I know he's really hurting. All I want to tell him is "Honey, you're gonna be a daddy". I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

This last cycle was very emotionally draining on me and I really don't know how I'm going to get through this next cycle with more extensive testing and stuff. This cycle I'll be doing injections so I have to learn how to do them and I really was hoping not to have to do that. Each cycle gets harder and harder and I hate it. We are now onto #9.

Why is this so hard? Why do I have the hope only to have it shattered so many times? What am I doing wrong? I'm a firm enough believer to know this is God's plan and that there is a reason. I just hate the false hope and just "knowing" you're pregnant only to see the words "Not Pregnant" on a digital and knowing you have another month to wait....and around Christmas at my favorite time of the year.....I just don't know how much more I can take.

Tomorrow I'll be baking cookies with Tyler and Peyton and my mom which I'm really looking forward to. That'll help me quite a bit. And I'm hoping my sister will let me borrow one for the night...hint, hint. :) I could sure use a warm Tyler or Peyton right now.

Thanks again for the wonderful support. Michelle, looks like I'm joining you in another round. Hopefully January will be our month sweetie! You deserve it!

TWW

I realize I haven't talked too much about this TWW. I know it's been driving my mom crazy, huh? :) I've been trying to focus more attention and energy on something else to keep my mind busy...as hard as that is. I should know by the end of this week if this cycle was a bust.

I've had different symptoms and I've been told my chart looks great (here's a link to my homepage: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/186e65), but how many times have I had the symptoms and a great chart only to have a BFN? Plus I'm on progesterone and had the trigger, so really I can't count on anything, you know?

The temps were driving me crazy the first week as they weren't going up, so we were going to have Mark write the temps down and I wasn't going to look at them. I want to keep temping to keep my BFP chart for my baby book. So, we bought a thermometer that would save the temp and it had bigger numbers so Mark could see it (Mark's vision is bad). He was going to write them done and I would chart it at the end of the cycle. Well, the first morning we tried it and he had trouble so I wrote down the temp. The second morning, he thought he could see it, so he wrote it down at the same time saying "9....8....point....2.....4". Kind of defeated the purpose. Anyway, we realized that we shouldn't switch thermometers halfway through a cycle, so we went back to the old one that doesn't save the temp. But, I think temping has been good for me. I think I would be going crazy not knowing.

Okay, that was a bunch of rumble you probably found boring. Sorry.


I'm pretty nervous as I'm pretty sure this cycle didn't work. I have been having AF-like symptoms for the past week or so. I know...it's not over until AF shows, but I'm nervous. Okay, enough talk about that....it's making me too freaked. :) I probably won't talk about it until I know for sure.

Hope you are all having a good week!

My TV shows are pissing me off

Okay, I'm a reality show freak.....but they're pissing me off.

Deal Or No Deal: Seriously, I gotta stop watching this one. Mark thinks watching me watch that show is the best thing. I scream and yell so loud at those stupid people. I mean when you have 2 cases, one holding $1000 and the other holding $200,000 and you're offered $110,000 which will clearly change your life....why take the chance? People can be so greedy.

Survivor: Okay, so I'm not a real big fan of the remaining 5 too much. I do like Amanda and Courtney...but Eric was such a sweetheart and I was so disappointed when he got the boot. :( I really wanted him to win. I was thrilled when they got rid of James...no brainer there....but why keep Todd around? Hello!!

Amazing Race: I was soooo bummed when the brother/sister couple got the boot last night when there's that couple (I forget their names) who fights all the time and the girl was saying how she hated the game. Why do those type of people get to stay and the others who really want to keep going get the boot? I'm really pulling for TK and Rachel. They're so cute. I would love to do the Amazing Race....anyone game?

Do I watch too much TV? :)

Mark's appointment

Mark had an appointment with his nephrologist (kidney doctor) yesterday and it went great! I actually hardly ever get to say that those appts go great. :) The doctor said it was the best he had ever seen Mark and he was more talkative and animated than ever. The kidney looks great, heart issues are stable and he looks wonderful. Mark can now drop his monthly labs to every 6 weeks which is amazing and he only has to see his nephrologist every 6 months rather than every 3 months. This kind of good news never happens to Mark. :) The appt went so well that the doctor and Mark spent most of the time talking about cars....boring. :) My mom had driven us down with Tyler and Peyton and was worried because the appt was taking longer than it usually does. She couldn't believe it when I told her they were talking about cars. :)

On the drive home, Tyler asked me if Mark was going to die in 2 days. At first I started giving him the lecture about how it's not really appropriate to ask such questions. Then my mom pointed out that we could die anytime....very true. So, I told him that I could die tomorrow or he could die. Then he said "You can't die, you don't even have a baby yet".

Thanks for that reminder, kiddo. Gotta love kids.

I did get Tyler in trouble, though. Oops. :( I was showing him how if you put air into the left side of my cheek and poke it with his finger, the air "magically" goes to the right side of my cheek....with a little help from me. :) So, he's poking my cheek and laughing. My mom can see it out of the rearview mirror and starts yelling at Tyler about playing nice. I had to admit to her that it was my doing. She rolled her eyes and just smiled. I'm gonna be a "great" mom, huh?

And then at our house, we were cutting up cheese and we left the knife on the cutting board and were sitting around the table just talking. Pretty soon, Peyton comes up talking her baby talk and swinging the knife up in the air like she was waving it....oops. Another lecture from Mom. :) We had a good laugh about how she was going to talk to our doctors about prehaps not helping us anymore. :)

Ya think this is why we're now on #8?

Pictures :)

This was from our first snowfall. Keep in mind we had nothing before this came.

K&B inspired me to post our "wish" ornament. :)

Mark wanted me to post this ornament for Nick. It's a gas pump. :)

Not much else is going on here. We lead such boring lives, don't we? I do have to share yet another Mark and Tammy incident. There are just so many, huh? I was working in my office and Mark had just eaten breakfast. He always comes in and gives me a kiss before going back to bed. Well, this morning he came in and let out one of his silent but deadly. Of course, I'm not happy and get mad at him for doing it in my office...like he couldn't do it anywhere else?? While I'm chewing him out he says "I'm sorry, but all I wanted to do is come in here and give you a kiss before I go lay down. What's wrong with that? Please don't be mad at me. All I ever did was love you". Then the puppy eyes and mouth droop. How can you not forgive him?

On the TTC front, not too much new to report. My temps haven't been very good and I'm a little concerned so I'm going to talk to my midwife today about possibly doing some labs. We had a plan that I wasn't going to look at the temps and Mark was going to write them down, but he had a hard time seeing the numbers and when he thought he could, he would say the numbers as he was writing them down in front of me...yeah, defeating the purpose....so that didn't work. Last night we were talking and I asked him if he remembered what my temp was that morning. He said "Wasn't it 124?". I thought he was joking and looked at him....he was serious. Then he said "oh yeah, 98 is normal, isn't it?" Ah, yeah, honey. We had a good chuckle. I told him it was going on the blog and he said "At least I'm good for a few laughs". He's a good sport. :)

Question for you guys: We did buy a new thermometer, one that we thought would be easier for Mark to read and would save the reading. Well, this morning I took it with that thermometer and it was 98.12 and I was crushed. Then, for "fun" I used my old thermometer and it read 98.42. I took it again with the other one...98.07...and then with my old thermometer again and it was 98.47. Why would there be such a discrepancy? I don't understand. Should I take the new one back? I don't get it.

Hope you are all having a wonderful day!!

Tuesday ramblings

I hope everyone had a fantastic weekend! We had a snowstorm! Woohoo!! The first real snow of the season! My parents own a store on their land and have an open house the first weekend in December every year so we were busy with that this weekend. It wasn't as busy as other years because of the weather, but we still had lots of fun. If ya wanna check out their website, here it is: www.leaningpinefarmtoys.com How's that for free advertising, Mom? :)

Here are a few pics from this weekend.



Tyler sliding. He loves the snow!

Peyton. All of us had matching sweatshirts on. The kids were so cute. :)

Adelaide with my mom. Adelaide wasn't too happy. :( But she's still so cute. :)

I need to vent a little here. We got a call from Mark's ex last night. Here's the scoop. She had called a couple weeks ago and talked to me. She asked if we had talked to the boys about what they wanted for Christmas. I told her we had and that we were done. She sounded surprised, but said that she was going to give us ideas. I told her we were done so we didn't need them. And that was it. So, she calls last night. I pick up the phone and she asks to talk to Mark. She tells him that Chad is really low on money and really would like a gift certificate to Cub Foods or some cash for his books at school or something. She said Chad would never ask so she was going to put the "bug in Mark's ear". Apparently his car needs some work and he got a speeding ticket....she paid for his speeding ticket as she felt sorry for him. Frustrating to me.....I don't feel sorry for him at all as it's his fault he got the speeding ticket. Does that make me horrible?

Anyway, I'm rambling....so sorry. I'm not happy at all that she called. She's gotten better, but a few years ago, she was complaining that we don't pay enough money for child support which is a bunch of crap. Mark's sister-in-law works for the county treasury office and has told us she gets paid the most out of everyone in the county. Anyway, I know Mark's ex called and talked to Mark to try to get him to "pay" more by giving him money for food and stuff for Christmas. Mark felt really bad....but then I reminded him that that is where the child support goes and that the money should go towards Chad's food and stuff and that we can give him whatever we want for Christmas and shouldn't have to go with what she wants us to do. She's done this before.....told us what to do and then gets him something really nice, making us look bad. Mark felt better, but he still feels bad. His ex knows how to play Mark so she asked to talk to him...she knows I won't budge. :)

Okay, sorry about that boring rambling...just needed to get it off my chest. I do feel better. :)

Now for some fun stuff! I had a dream I was pregnant last night! I had a little, tiny bump and I was 6 months along and I "felt" the baby for the first time. I obviously have no idea what it feels like, but man, it was sooooo cool in my dream that I can't even imagine what it would be like for real. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it....and it was just a dream. :) Sigh....I'm gonna be an emotional wreck when I'm pregnant.

I'd like to send out a HUGE hug to Michelle. She got a BFN and I'm crushed. I wanted this for her so bad so she didn't have to move onto IVF. She's been like a sister to me and I feel horrible about it. I'm so sorry, sweetie. :(

Hope you all have a great day!

It's our anniversary!!.....well, kinda

Me and my family

Mark and the boys.....gosh, they've grown (see the Christmas trees in the background?)

The new family

Just as a warning, this story may get really boring, so I'd understand if you didn't read it. :) But I love sharing it, so here it goes:

Mark and I got engaged the Friday after Thanksgiving 2000. At that time, Mark was feeling pretty good. We knew that his kidneys were failing and that he would need a transplant, but he was still working and still feeling pretty good. I had always wanted a Christmas wedding (because I'm such a Christmas freak :)), so not long after we got engaged, we set a date for December 1, 2001.


In February 2001, Mark started getting sick really fast. He could hardly get out of bed. He stopped working and went on disability. They didn't want to start dialysis and wait for the transplant because they thought it would be easier on his body. Well, in March, it started getting so bad that we made the decision to start dialysis. During this time, it was very stressful for me and hard. I was an emotional wreck.



At the end of March, I had gone out to eat with my parents just for fun and to get out of the house. Mark wasn't feeling good, so he stayed home. At the end of the meal, we had the usual fighting over the bill. For some reason, it really struck a nerve and I just started bawling...right there in the middle of the restaurant. My parents asked what was wrong and I honestly didn't know. At that point, my mom started crying and both my mom and dad started telling me about how worried they were about me and how I was going through so much. I was 24 at the time. At that point, I realized I was scared that Mark wasn't going to be healthy enough to get married in December, that he might not make it and that we didn't know when the transplant would be. Plus, financially I knew it was a problem for Mark because he only had his insurance.

My parents then asked why we were waiting until December. I didn't know....guess we were just waiting. My parents then suggested getting married as soon as possible when we knew Mark was "okay" and then financially, things would be less stressful during the year because Mark would have his insurance coverage and my coverage also. We thought it was a great idea and set a date for May 5, 2001. Both families were 100% behind us and thought it was great. I mentioned to our families that I was a little disappointed as I've always wanted a Christmas wedding, but as long as I was marrying Mark, any time would be okay. They immediately said they were going to give me a Christmas wedding....who cared if it was in May? Our families worked soooo hard for us and I still get tears in my eyes thinking how much they did for us to put a Christmas wedding together in 6 weeks.

What's interesting is that I had talked to my pastor in the church where I grew up in about our plans. He was not for it. He said we were getting married for the wrong reasons. He agreed to meet with us for counseling but said Mark had a lot of baggage we had to work through (he's been divorced). That upset me....what happened to not judging people? So, we found another pastor. To be honest, I'm glad now we went somewhere different as my sister got married in our church and she was telling me about the marriage counseling they had to have. They talked about the sex positions that were "right" and those that are "wrong"....did you know that missionary position is the only "right" way??? I guess we're going to hell......anyone else??

Anyway, we found a pastor who would marry us who knew me from my childhood days. When I told him Mark had been divorced, he simply said that it says in the Bible that divorce is wrong, but everyone makes mistakes. I knew we had found the right one. Plus, we basically skipped right over the sex part of the counseling. :) That made Mark feel soooooo much better.

Anyway...wow...this is getting long. We had our Christmas wedding on May 5, 2001....but we still celebrate December 1 every year. So, we have "2" anniversaries. :) It's still warms my heart so much how much work everyone did. It was the perfect Christmas wedding. The pastor even dug out the Christmas decorations and decorated the church for Christmas.....right before he went out and mowed the lawn. :) There were candles in the windows and even though it was 4 in the afternoon in the middle of May, we still had a "candlight" ceremony. It was beautiful. There are some pictures that I hope you enjoy.

Okay, I'm wiping the tears now......did I lose anyone? Anyone who read that whole thing gets a big smooch! **SMOOCH**