We're off again

We're leaving in a few hours. I'm not sure how much I'll be able to blog or email so if I'm MIA, you'll know why. :)

I have to be honest, I'm not doing good. I've been really depressed. I've been snapping at Mark, crabby at my family, crying a lot.

Yesterday Mark and I baby-sat a perfect baby. She was sooooo good and I wanted to keep her. It was so hard to let her go. And I keep thinking if the IVF would have worked, I'd be going into my second trimester now. We wouldn't have to fly 1000s of miles away. We wouldn't be spending this money. We could be resting at home enjoying the weekend. Tyler could have spent the night instead of me watching him cry because he couldn't. I wouldn't be so snappy at Mark. We wouldn't be having to look into donor eggs.

I just can't stop thinking about it.

I really hope I can get on the computer. I don't know how I'm going to do it without my blogland.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support. It means sooooo much to me. It really does. I only wish I could hug each and every one of you.

((((HUGS))))

To Michelle....

A few days ago I got a nice surprise package in the mail from my good friend, Michelle. It was soooo nice and meant the world to me.

Inside the package was this onesies:

I cried when I saw it. I hope I'll be able to use it some day.

Then, there was also this devotional Bible:

I LOVE it! It's such an inspirational devotional Bible. I have a hard time putting it down sometimes. :)

It was sooooo sweet and so thoughtful.

I also wanted to share this picture of Peyton reading Michelle's book. She loves babies and was in seventh heaven when she saw all the pictures of Kayla. :)


Michelle, you've always been there for me. You always seem to know what to say when I need it most. I know you're always thinking of me by sending me quotes you've found or surprise packages. You truly are a wonderful friend and I don't know what I would do without you.

Thank you so much for being a part of my life. I love you!

Be sure to check out her blog as she is having a giveaway!!

Thanks!

I was so overwhelmed by the amount of support I got yesterday. Wow. Thanks guys! And thanks to those who came from Lost and Found and to the person who told my story to put me on there. That meant a lot. It's wonderful to have all the support.

We're still going to meet my donor. We've got the plane tickets and everything so we're going to meet her. I hope she still wants to. I haven't heard from her since letting her know it wasn't going to work but I know she's been sick so hopefully she'll still want to meet.

I'm at a very low place right now....just not myself at all and I know my family and Mark are very worried about me. I just feel so lost. I feel so depressed. I feel like there is a hole in my heart that can't be filled. I feel so alone. I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like God is ignoring me.....but deep down I know that's not the case.

And to the person who feels led to keep sending me links saying donor children are unhappy......just wanted to let you know, you're not swaying my decision at all. In fact, you're just pissing me off and making me want to go ahead with this even more. So, if you want to sway my decision, you may want to think twice about posting links. Because you're actually doing the opposite of what you're trying to do. From now on, I won't be reading the links at all and just using that magical button called "delete".

Thanks again to all for the support. I don't know what I would do without my blogger friends. I love you all sooooo much!!

How can life be so cruel??

I found out yesterday afternoon that it's not going to work out with this donor. :( I was really, really hoping it would, but it won't. I can't even imagine going a different direction and unfortunately now that's the way we'll have to go.

On top of that, my dog, Alex, died.

Back in 1997 I wanted a Bassett hound really bad. I was in college and still living with my parents and they let me get one. So, one night after work, my mom and I drove 3 hours one way to get Alex. My mom and dad wouldn't let him in the house, but he loved the farm so much that when I moved out, I couldn't take him so he stayed on the farm.

He lived to be 12 years old which is amazing for Bassett hounds. He was almost completely blind in both eyes, so he was suffering and it was for the best. But I still miss him.

Here is a picture of Alex when I first got him. My grandma is holding him. Grandma passed away a few years ago. This is a horrible picture of me.....yuck.




Rest in peace, Alex. Love you buddy.

My journey as a Dr. Su.ess book

I don’t want to go into details but this donor may not work out. I’m really, really down about it. I know if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. Please keep us in your prayers. I really want this to work out.

Remember the book “Gre.en Eg.gs and H.am”? Well, I was thinking yesterday how my journey has been a little bit like that book.

Tammy: God, we’d like to have a baby.

God: You will have a baby when I say.

Tammy: Can we have a baby the natural way?

God: No, you cannot have a baby the natural way. You will have a baby when I say.

Tammy: Can we have a baby through intrauterine insemination?

God: No, you cannot have a baby through intrauterine insemination. You cannot have a baby the natural way. You will have a baby when I say.

Tammy: Can we have a baby with Clomid, Bravelle, progesterone and trigger shot medication?

God: No, you cannot have a baby with Clomid, Bravelle, progesterone and trigger shot medication. You cannot have a baby through intrauterine insemination. You cannot have a baby the natural way. You will have a baby when I say.

Tammy: Can we have a baby if I do the detox diet with no gluten, dairy or sugar?

God: No, you cannot have a baby if you do the detox diet with no gluten, dairy or sugar. You cannot have a baby with Clomid, Bravelle, progesterone and trigger shot medication. You cannot have a baby through intrauterine insemination. You cannot have a baby the natural way. You will have a baby when I say.

Tammy: Can we have a baby if I do IVF….oh, man, I have a booger.

God: No, you cannot have a baby if you do IVF….that’s one nasty booger. You cannot have a baby if you do the detox diet with no gluten, dairy or sugar. You cannot have a baby with Clomid, Bravelle, progesterone and trigger shot medication. You cannot have a baby through intrauterine insemination. You cannot have a baby the natural way. You will have a baby when I say.

Tagged by onemorebaby....and to the anonymous commenter

I was tagged by onemorebaby:

What do you imagine for your life, personally, in the next four years? Where do you hope to live, what will you be doing? Dogs? Spouses? Jobs? Personal or finacial goals?

Thinking about the future scares me. I guess because I know Mark has beaten the odds by living as long as he has and I cherish every day I have with him. In four years, I pray so much that he will still be with me on this earth. I'm hoping to have a child...PLEASE Lord! I hope to still be working from home. I'm afraid my dog won't be alive then as he is 13 years old right now.....but I hope he beats the odds. I can't imagine living without him.

Wow...that's kind of depressing. I hope I have a child by then to make up for some of it.

Last night, I received an anonymous comment that was made to try to change my mind. Unfortunately, it just ticked me off. So, once again, I'm done with anonymous. It's so sad that I have to do that and it bothers me but I can't have negative comments when I'm trying to be positive.

This commenter linked me to a post saying that people were wrong to use donor and that it just brings an unhappy child into this world and that we should just adopt.

First of all, adoption is NOT an option for us. With Mark's health, there is no way he would pass any health questions.

Second, unhappy child??? I don't understand that. This child has a mother and father who love him/her soooo much that they are willing to put their pride down and get some help to bring him/her into this world. And if you think that's easy, it's not. It's the hardest thing I've EVER had to do....by far. But, I love our child so much that I'm not giving up and I will take the help if it's needed.

I realize I'm not my child and I don't know how he/she will react to us having help to bring him/her into this world. But I do know if it were me and I was hearing about all my parents went through, the financial expenses, emotional pain, physical pain, etc., I would be so honored that they went through that all for ME and that they love me that much that they never gave up on me.

And, I would love to see a post dedicated to those parents who are drug addicts, smokers, etc. who just dump their babies in the nearby dumpster to be found by someone else....now that's "love". And I'm getting put down because I'm using a donor?? I think something is seriously wrong.

So, to the anonymous commenter, I know you wanted to get me to think about our decision and you did. You made me realize how much I want this baby and how desperately I will do anything to get him/her here. So, you did make me think. I want to go this route even more and I'm more determined than ever. So, thank you. God bless you for helping me do that.

Thank you for your opinions!!

Just as a warning...this may get a little long as I'm feeling pretty emotional right now.

Thank you all for your opinions! I wanted to wait until I heard what others had to say before saying what we were leaning towards.

We're leaning towards option 2. I know there were a ton of gasps around blogland and I think people are ready to come after me to "knock some sense into me", but let me explain our reasons why.

1. The traveling. Traveling is extremely hard on Mark with his heart issues and stomach issues. Whether in a car or plane...it doesn't matter. I'm always extremely nervous when traveling with him because it's really rough on him.

2. Work. They aren't too happy about the time I've taken off. I actually got a verbal warning because I've taken too much unplanned PTO with Mark being sick, me being sick and now this (this was a spur of the moment thing due to an opening at the clinic). The next time I have any unplanned PTO, I get written up. I need to give them a month notice. Even if I give them an approximate date I'll be gone and it changes by a day or 2, I'll get written up. Anyone who has been through IVF knows that dates can definitely change. And the traveling is such that it would be hard to just "change on the spur of the moment" without extra expenses and putting my job at risk is not an option for me at this time, especially with Mark on disability and me providing the insurance.

3. Comfort. I did forget to mention that we do have a place we could stay as Mark's niece lives near this clinic. However, we don't know them that well and it would be uncomfortable for me to stay at their house, but more comfortable than a stranger's house. The doctor at the clinic requires 3 days of bed rest which is more than usual I believe. Then the traveling back. I'm always so nervous with traveling with Mark, especially being far from his doctor. And I know nerves and anxiety can't help when trying to get a baby going. If I were to do the frozen, I'd have my doctor perform the transfer, bed rest at my own house, not so much traveling and anxiety about Mark.

4. Monitoring. In the package price the clinic quoted me, it included my monitoring. I want to get my monitoring done at my own clinic. The package price would be the same so essentially I'm paying twice for the same services. Honestly, that just makes me really upset.

5. Psychologist. The psychologist they referred me and my donor to has been extremely negative which has bothered me. She has said to me that she makes the final decision about whether or not we can go ahead with this transfer or not and that only 10% get approved. She's been encouraging me to go with a donor from my clinic and not this one and doesn't understand why I would choose this route. Her negativity really bothers me. Right now I need positivity! And if there's a high chance we will get denied, why even take the chance? If we went with the frozen cycle, the psychologist eval is not required for me or I can do it with a psychologist up here, the one we saw with our own IVF.

6. Money. Okay, so I know money is definitely not an issue here. I wouldn't care if it was double the amount. But, I figure with going with frozen, we're saving about $3500 give or take. Let's say heaven forbid the frozen transfer doesn't work. We saved enough to do another frozen transfer and we have another chance. If we did a fresh cycle, we wouldn't have another chance...it's a one shot deal. It puts a lot more pressure on the fresh cycle.

I realize the chances are a lot better with the fresh....a lot. And the success rate for frozen really bothers me. And then there's the points to consider like what if there aren't any to freeze? I know a lot of women don't have any to freeze. What if they don't make the thaw? I know that's a strong possibility. Trust me...those questions have really plagued my mind soooooo much.

But, the thing that keeps playing in my mind is that no matter what, if it's meant to be, it'll happen. It doesn't matter if it's fresh or frozen. God makes the ultimate decision, not me, not the stats, not the doctors. God does. This is where faith and prayer come into the equation. God has provided for us so much in our lives and has always been good to us. I know whatever happens, He knows what is best for us.

I have heard that frozen transfers are getting more and more successful. And if you remember our horrible experience we went through with our IVF? Our situation was so rare that it only happens to 2%.....2%!!! So, if I can be in the 2%, I'm hoping I can be in the 40%. I've been in the lower odds before. And with Mark's transplant, he has also beaten the odds. They say in a transplant patient, 90% will go through an acute rejection, but in 75% of those rejections, the kidney is able to be saved. Mark has never once had a rejection episode and this March marks 7 years since his transplant. That's amazing, especially for a diabetic. It goes to show God is in control.

Of course I've been thinking to myself about what if nothing works? Of course, I'll be wondering if we did the fresh if it would've made a difference, etc. But, like I said, it's in God's hands. And will I regret having gone through this if it doesn't work? Absolutely not. Of course I'll be devastated and financially it will be extremely tough as we still owe for the first IVF. But, when I look back at the 12 IUIs and the failed IVF, I'm so grateful I went through them all....every single one of them. They were worth the tears and frustration as I learned something in every one or I met someone who changed my life forever.

The last couple days, I've been extremely emotional. I keep thinking that if I didn't have scrambled eggs, I wouldn't be in this situation. I wouldn't be counting on someone else to help bring my dream. I wouldn't be making Mark travel so much. I wouldn't be spending all this money. I wouldn't have the issues with work. I wouldn't have all this stress. I feel like a failure....both as a wife and as a mother. It's been a hard pill to swallow for me right now and the emotions are really getting to me.

And the thought of leaving my dog for a week after just leaving him makes me so sick. The last time we left him, he chewed up the Christmas lights on the tree (we have an artifical pre-lit tree). And he had an accident which he never has unless he's upset, usually when Mark's in the hospital. So, I know he's upset with us leaving and that bothers me a lot.

Wow...this got to be long. I'm sorry about that. If you got through it all, bless you. Thank you for reading it all.

Thank you once again for your support and love! It means a lot!!

Update on donor egg IVF...need opinions!!!!

One thing I haven’t blogged too much about but I’ve gotten a lot of questions about it, is my donor egg IVF stuff. Some people would disagree about me being so open about it, but like I’ve said, I feel led to share my story in hopes that it will encourage someone else, either by encouraging them to donate eggs or not feeling as lonely if they have to use donor eggs. I know that lonely feeling all too well and it stinks.

I’m not going to give too many details as I want to protect all parties involved. But I want to also inform you guys, who have supported me from the beginning. Without your support and encouragement, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Mark and I have officially chosen an anonymous donor and we couldn’t be happier! It’s amazing how much this donor is absolutely perfect for us. She’s even better for us than I am. If it couldn’t be me, our donor would be our first pick by far.

At first, we had thought we wouldn’t want to see a picture of our donor or anything. However, we decided for the sake of our future child, we would like to get to know our donor. So, we have chosen to meet her. Of course, some would disagree with our choice, but we feel this is best for our family. So, next week, Mark and I will be meeting our donor angel! We will be out of town for a week. We’re excited, nervous, scared, you name it. But this is so important to us and we really want to do this.

We have a couple options here as to how to go about this and I would love any and all opinions.

1. We could do a fresh cycle where we would have to travel quite a bit. The success rate would be about 70%. Unfortunately I wouldn’t be able to have my doctor perform the transfer (the donor lives a little too far away from my clinic so we were referred to another clinic). Plus we’d have to stay in a hotel room or somewhere during bed rest, in a different setting and then travel a ways on the way home which would make me nervous in case that would affect implantation or something. This way would cost about $17,000 give or take plus meds.

2. We could have our donor cycle where she is at. Then have the embryos shipped to my clinic and I would undergo a frozen transfer. The success rate would be about 40%. I would be able to have my doctor do the transfer. I’d be in my own house for bed rest and wouldn’t have to travel as much. The thing I’m worried about is if there aren’t any to freeze….but then a fresh cycle probably wouldn’t have worked anyway, you know? The cost of this way would be about $13,000 give or take plus meds.

Of course, I may be missing something in the prices and I could be way off, but I think I’ve figured this out.

I know we wouldn’t be in this situation had we chosen a donor closer to our clinic. But, when they showed me this donor, I was sold. I can’t express how much I love our donor! She’s just absolutely perfect for us! And the fact that she’s willing to meet us is important to me and our future peanut (hopefully!) as I would love to share with our peanut more about the angel who brought him/her here (hopefully!).

I guess I’d rather be in the situation I am now than go with another donor. Yes, this donor is THAT important to me. She just jumped right out at us and we took it as a sign.

Okay, so I’d love your opinions. I’m going to turn on the anonymous so anyone who wants to give their opinions, please do! I would love to hear any and all please!

I have been tagged by onemorebaby and I haven’t forgotten!! I will do that tomorrow!!

THANK YOU in advance for your opinions and support!!

Michelle's wonderful book!!!

I got Michelle's book today from the FedEx guy! I was so superexcited when it came. It is so awesome! I of course haven't read it all as it is 238 pages, but I've skimmed through it and it has brought back some good and bad memories...the laughter and tears I've shared with Michelle for the last couple years. I remember a lot of what she's been through and the memories flooded back.

Her book was better than I expected....not that I was expecting a bad one :). But it is of such high quality and I didn't expect the quality it was.

Here are some pictures:

The inside..238 pages of this (it's really cool!)

The back cover

The front cover

It's really worth your money and it's inspirational, too! I can't wait to show it to our peanut....hopefully some day. :)

To order a book go here: Michelle's book

Tune in tomorrow as I have news to share and I've been tagged by onemorebaby. :)

Day 5--Florida trip--Clearwater Beach

This day we picked up my brother at the airport and headed to the Clearwater Beach which was a couple hours away. I love the beach. There's just something about the waves and salt water. :)

Here are some pictures:

Adelaide on the way to the beach...I love this picture!

Peyton, Tyler and Adelaide looking for seashells

Everyone out on the beach

Mark and I

The seagulls were really bothering us while we were eating. One actually flew down and took the meat out of Mark's sandwich! Here he is showing his meatless sub.

We received bad news at Mark's appointment

Mark had an appointment with his kidney doctor yesterday....or as Peyton would say "kiddy" doctor.

Mark left feeling very bad and very depressed. We found out the doctor's 1991 Mercedes Benz was in a head on collison and was totalled.

Otherwise, everything else was great! Mark's doing great and no changes were made!

Did I freak anyone out? I'm sorry if I did. If I did, thank you so much for caring so much. :)

Here's the story with the car. About a year ago, Mark's doctor was telling Mark about his car, a 1991 Mercedes Benz. Ever since then, Mark has wanted to see it really bad. There is a dialysis center just down the street from our house that the doctor makes his rounds at once a month. Literally, every time we go by that center, Mark looks for this Mercedes Benz. It's like he NEEDED to see it. So, you can imagine how devastated Mark was to learn the car was totalled. It didn't matter that the doctor said how great Mark looked and how stable the kidney was doing....nope. All that mattered was that this car was totalled.

The doctor also said Mark set a record for the most words Mark has ever said to him. :) Mark doesn't talk hardly at all during doctor's visits.

I also wanted to share this video. Any Christian couple waiting for a baby HAS to see this video. This is the amazing part behind this. I wasn't having a good day and feeling a little down and told a friend about it. She sent me this video. This song is from the movie "Fireproof" and it's about a couple waiting while their marriage is in trouble. But, when she found this video, it was a dedication to couples waiting for a "gift from God". She thought it was neat how she found that particular video of the song. What she didn't know is at the end, it shows a picture of a baby. It's like God wanted her to show me that particular video and that was the one she found. I mean the song wasn't even originally about a baby, but fixing a marriage!

God works in mysterious ways.

Anyway, here is the video. I really hope you take the time to watch it. It's pretty powerful.

While I'm Waiting

Florida trip Day #4....I think that's what I'm on :)

I can't even remember anymore. :)

This was Pete's day. Pete and Matt went golfing in the morning while the rest of us just kind of relaxed. In the afternoon, Mark, Pete, my dad and I all went to the Exotic Car Gallery and the rest of the people stayed back and relaxed. It was mostly for Pete and Mark as they are really into cars.

Here is a classic Tammy moment. We had punched the address of the gallery into our GPS. We could not for the life of us find it. We were looking so hard and finally decided to stop and ask. On the way in to ask, I realized that I had typed in the address on the back of the gallery ad....the address to a golf place. Ah, duh! I still haven't lived that one down. At least the gallery was only a few blocks away, so it wasn't too bad, but still very embarrassing. :)

Here are some pictures from there (Nick's gonna LOVE these, huh Michelle? :)):


Pete, Dad and Pete by the car outside the gallery. If you enlarge the picture, you can see my dad laughing really hard. Right before I snapped the picture, he was making really weird faces and thought he was being so funny. My dad's a dork. :)

Me, Pete and Mark

Mark standing by a car worth 4.5 million dollars

Here are a few more pictures:

Dad, Adelaide, Peyton and Mark in their matching shirts. Adelaide and Peyton were planned. My dad and Mark didn't plan it...it just happened. Kind of funny. :)

Tyler and Peyton by the big birds. These birds would come right up to ya....kinda freaky.

Peyton, Tyler, Mom and Adelaide

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO MICHELLE!!

Michelle turned 25 yesterday! Go here and wish her a happy birthday! Love ya girl!!

Just when you think things can't get any worse.....

Just when you feel like you just can’t get any more down

Things for me just haven’t been going too well. I’ve dealt with an ex, a disrespectful stepson, a husband who doesn’t stand up for me, arguing with said husband all the time, family who says I’m being too hard on stepson, sick all day on Wednesday and Thursday, trying to get clinics to answer my questions about the donor cycle and they don’t get back to me, feeling like everyone is getting pregnant or having their babies and I feel like it’s just never going to happen to me.

Today I finally was able to smile through my tears. Peyton sometimes calls me Mommy, but she also calls me Grandma and we joke about how she gets us mixed up. Today she called me Mommy and said “I sometimes call you Mommy”. I said “I realize that. Why is that?”. Peyton melted my heart when she said “Because you remind me of a good mommy”

I don’t know how she knew but she knew I needed to hear that. Thank you Peyton.

It's a Small Wo.rld

This ride is a classic. One everyone should go on. We had the fortunate privilege of being on it for a looooong time. For some reason, the ride was stopped and we had to sit there for a long time waiting. And for those who don't know, during the ride, they play the "It's a Small Wo.rld" song over and over and over.....and over. So, the fact that we had to sit there forever made it even worse by the constant song. Like my brother said, the least they could've done was turn off the music.

So guess what song was in our heads the whole rest of the day?

But it was an experience we will never forget and that's what makes it so special. :)

Here is a picture of all the boats waiting:


And here is my family's reaction to the long wait:

Florida trip, Tuesday Day #3--Magic Kingdom

Today we went to the Magic Kingdom which was the highlight of the trip! Anyone going to Disney World has to go to the Magic Kingdom! It was really neat. Here are a few pictures. I took a ton but I'm only sharing some as I don't want to bore you all. :)


The whole family

Me, my sister, my mom, my brother and my dad

The Wondra family

Do you think Tyler had had enough?

Pete and Mark on the racing cars

Peyton, Tyler and Adelaide meeting Mickey and Minnie. Matt is in it too as Peyton wouldn't go without Matt :)

Pete and Tyler with the princess

Peyton and Adelaide with the princess. Aren't their matching outfits and crowns the cutest thing?

The castle

Mark and I by the Christmas tree when you walk in

Peyton just looking cute as buttons :)

Florida trip-Day #2 Monday

On Monday, we all went to the River Island waterpark. It was fun, nice and relaxing. Here are some pictures from then. :)


Peter on the tubes

Mark and I on the tubes

Peyton and I

The Chad Gustafson family and Peyton getting ready

Matt, Mark and Peter basking in the sun....Matt definitely needing a tan. :)

Tammy going down the water slide

Matt, Peter, Dad and Tammy all in line for the water slide

Peyton

Tammy and Mark

Tammy, Mark and Peter basking in the sun

That night we went into Old Town for some ice cream.


The whole family eating ice cream. Adelaide fell asleep on the way over and never woke up. She didn't get ice cream that night. :(

Mark and Pete. They both seemed to have attitudes that night, huh? :)

This is the street of Old Town, although it's very hard to see. It was pretty cool, though. :)

We found an old car at Old Town that Mark and Pete had to have a picture of. :) Mark says Nick will like this one!

Here is a picture of my mom, Peyton and Adelaide putting away all the groceries after we went grocery shopping. There were a lot of groceries as you can see. :)

More pictures from vacation

Samuel and Adelaide kissing

Peyton in her hat

Peyton and Adelaide taking a bath. They'll love this picture when they are older

Adelaide and Peyton in their matching pajamas

My mom, Danielle, Ajay and Samuel

Samuel

My mom and Samuel

Peyton, Adelaide and Tyler

The family getting ready to eat

Me, Sam, Peyton and Adelaide. I'm on vacation in my work clothes (pajamas). I work from home :)

Mark, me and Peter

The ladies doing some planning of the trip and the guys relaxing just waiting to hear what we're doing :)

Tyler