Eddie farted....and shoutout to Tiffany

I know...weird title, but I thought it would get some attention. :)

First of all, head over to Hoping For Our Own Peanut and send her congrats. She just got a BFP after her IVF! Congrats Erin!!

Okay, last night I was talking to my mom on the phone. All of a sudden, I got a whiff of the most horrific smell. It hit Mark at the exact same time and he gave me the most disgusted look. I literally started coughing.

Mom: What's wrong?

Tammy: Eddie farted and it smells horrible!

Mom: Maybe it was Mark.

Tammy: No, I know Mark's farts. This one definitely isn't his. This is horrible, Mom! What do I do?

And of course my mom just starts laughing so hard. Thanks for the support Mom. Here I have poison going through my body and you're laughing about it.

Next topic, I want to give a shoutout to Tiffany! This is what you will be receiving in the mail soon:



I really hope you and your mom like it! Thank you soooo much for the support! It means the world to us! I hope your appointment goes good today!!

Next topic (I know this blog is kind of all over the place...sorry):

I want to thank you all for your comments yesterday. To hear from people that I touch so many others really meant a lot to me. What an honor to be told that. I think that's one of the greatest compliments so thank you! I definitely don't want to put my blog on private. And I really don't want to start over with a new blog. So, I think I'm going to do the link idea and just have the wordpress blog for things that I want protected. Like I said, I want to feel safe and feel I can express my feelings in a safe place. Thank you to everyone who said you would follow me! That means a lot. I know it's more of a hassle and the last thing I want to do in hassle anyone. Hopefully there won't be many protected posts, but I feel better about it.

And I'm actually kind of excited about it because now I feel I can be more open and express more about the infertility stuff. There have been some things I haven't blogged about so now I feel I can just "let it loose". :)

Thanks again everyone! Hope you all have a good day! We're supposed to get 4-8 inches of snow today! Yikes!

Update on Peter and my dad

My dad is doing about the same. They ran a bunch of tests and couldn't find what was wrong. They think it could be a kidney stone, but they didn't see anything. I would've felt better if they had seen something. So, if he's still having pain in another week, he'll have to go back in and see. Hopefully he feels better real soon.

The meeting last night went okay. It was hard to see Peter like that...really hard. It was especially hard on Mark as when we got home, he just started crying and held onto me so hard. I felt really bad for him. That was tough.

I got into one fight with the ex. After arguing for awhile, I told her that I should just go home because it was my car. She told me to go ahead and that she wasn't there for me, she was there for her son. I told her I was DEFINITELY not there for her. Then Mark told us to calm down and let it go. He seemed to calm me down.

So, Kate, does that deserve a candy bar? :)

One thing that just blew me away was how much Bambi stood up for Peter. She said that she will always back her kids and listen to them. Which I think is great and that's what makes a great mom. But, I agree it's to a certain point. For example, we were talking about Peter losing his job because he stole a pop. Her response "He's a follower. The other kids were doing it. He got caught on a camera and being his aunt owned the store, she had to set an example and fire her nephew instead of the others." Why not admit it was wrong rather than make it seem like Peter was the victim? It was pretty surprising to me.

I was pretty disappointed as I found out that Peter's stepdad couldn't come because he had a meeting. And I had to cancel my appointment?? He should have been there. Not fair at all.

Tonight we have a conference call to see how Peter's doing. I hope he's doing better. It's really affecting Mark. I'm concerned about his heart and stomach. His stomach was really bothering him yesterday....but that could've been mostly my driving. :)

Anyway, thanks so much for the thoughts and prayers! It means so much!!

I need opinions here. I don't want to put my blog on private as I know that's a bit of a hassle. I don't want to get rid of this blog but I know with blogspot you can't have password protected posts. I don't want the anonymous letter writer reading certain things. I feel this is my blog and I can say what I want. As someone said, it's like a diary.

So, I was thinking of setting up a wordpress blog. Then when I have a post that I want to protect, I can just put a link on here and whoever wants to read it can just put in the password and read it. I know that's more of a hassle for everyone, though. I guess I want to feel more safe on this blog and not wonder if someone is going to attack me.

So what do you guys think??

Thank you to everyone!!

Thank you so much everyone for the outpouring of support! It means a lot! I have to thank the person who sent that letter….yes, that’s right, thank them. More on that below.

We’re pretty sure we know who it is. The postmark was from St. Paul which narrows it down pretty good and it narrows it down even more the fact that they knew my address. My address is even wrong in the phone book, so they have to really know me. I think this person also didn’t realize that I have a feed so I can see which cities have looked at my blog and everything.

I’ve had issues with this person for quite awhile so it really doesn’t surprise me. I think she’s jealous of me and holds some resentment towards me. She obviously hasn’t had any trouble getting pregnant and doesn’t understand the whole story.

Of course we can’t prove anything, but very high suspicion. We even compared other notes I’ve gotten and although the writing was attempted to be unrecognizable, there are definite similarities.

But, that’s okay! Admittedly I was bothered by it, who wouldn’t be? But, the support I got from you guys was amazing!! I hope not everyone feels the same way as this person, but if you do, I hope my explanation made it a little more clear.

I just wish people would own up to their feelings and not take a coward way out. I’ve always expressed my feelings when I’ve felt led to and I wish other people would do the same.

I honestly believe that letter was part of God’s plan. You see, we’ve had kind of a rough weekend (yeah, I guess that’s me “complaining”….sorry). My dad was sick Sunday. He’s been in a lot of pain. It could be a kidney stone but it wasn’t completely acting like a kidney stone so it may be gallbladder. He’s been really hurting but they don’t have good insurance coverage so they were hesitant to go into the Emergency Room. I even offered to pay their bill on Sunday (and I “take advantage” of them). I have been very worried about my dad. Thankfully he is going in today and I’ll be finding out in a couple hours.

Also, we found out that Peter is in the hospital. That has been a major stress for Mark. He has been having a lot of chest pain and stomach issues. Stress seems to bring on his stomach issues so I’ve been really worried about being in the hospital again or having a heart attack. And despite what the other person may think, I am worried about Peter. I’m very glad he’s finally getting the help he desperately needs. Tonight we’re having a family meeting at the hospital. Please pray for everyone involved. And I have to drive Bambi down there, so please pray that that goes well….should be “fun”.

Anyway, I needed some love yesterday and man did I get it! I got TONS of emails from people supporting me and saying wonderful things. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! I just needed some love and needed to know people care. That’s sure what I got! So, I need to thank that anonymous letter writer for giving me exactly what I needed. God knew I needed some love and He did provide. God is so good.

To the anonymous letter writer

I recently received a letter in the mail from an anonymous person. I have chosen to type it here to show what this person said and so that I can respond:

Dear Tammy,

It’s time for a spanking!

You are complaining that your husband’s son owes you $70, yet you owe your parents $2750?

How would you feel if your mom wrote a blog entitled BEING TAMMY’S MOM STINKS!

You have taken trips to Hawaii, Florida, and Texas rather than pay them back? Doesn’t seem to me like you feel horrible. In fact, it sounds like you are taking much more advantage of your parents than Chad has of you!

You complain about how tough the first part of the year is with deductibles and property taxes. We ALL have high deductibles and property taxes, deal with it!

Where are you going to get the money to raise a child when you claim you can’t afford to go out to eat? Your parents? Where are you planning on getting the money to pursue egg donation? Handouts?

Count your blessings and quit whining and complaining about people, especially those who love you. Quit insulting your family on your blog. You claim that Peter was disrespectful to your parents and yet you can say unkind things on your blog about Mark’s mom and children? Hippocrit!

Quit feeling you damn sorry for yourself.

This came from someone who knew my address so I know it’s someone who knows me pretty well and obviously someone who follows up pretty closely on my blog. Unfortunately this person was a coward and it had no forward address and was typed up. Why can’t people just sign their names to their opinions and own up to them?

I would like to respond to a few things here:

1. Yes, Chad owes US (not just me, but Mark too) $70 and he has for awhile. I know he’s short of money so the time frame isn’t that big of a deal. Not that it’s anyone’s business, but when we first knew we’d have to do IVF, we took out a home equity loan. We borrowed from my parents so we wouldn’t have to use the loan until the last minute and they would get credit on their credit card. When the money was due on their credit card, we wrote out a check to them. At that moment, their washing machine broke down. Rather than get a new one, we gave them ours as a thank you for helping us out. They then said they would wait to cash the check until they needed money in appreciation for US saving THEM money and hassle. They considered the washing machine as payment of interest. All in all, they are helping us and we helped them by giving them a washing machine. So, I honestly don’t feel we have taken advantage of them. We pay them when we can. They want to help us out and I have tried numerous times to get them to cash the check and they won’t.

2. I admit, saying that being a stepmom stinks was harsh and I apologize for that. I was angry but I need to think before I write. That was uncalled for. I do love the boys very much.

3. In regards to the trips, Hawaii was waaaaay before we owed my parents anything. Waaaaay before. We were financially doing well at that time. No loans were taken out for that. With Florida, that was paid for by my parents as a Christmas gift from the inheritance they received when my grandmother passed away. That trip was planned 2 years ago in honor of my grandma. The trip to Texas was to start the donor process. Unfortunately that didn’t happen. But expenses were extremely minimal as we stayed with Mark’s family and we got a good deal on the tickets. That trip came out of the money we had saved for the donor IVF (we have a special account just for that).

4. Yes, I realize the first of the year is tough for everyone….definitely. I never have disputed that. The thing is, because of Mark’s transplant, we have to spend about $1000 just in meds alone per month until he hits the $2500 deductible. Plus, with my treatments, that’s an additional $2500 deductible for me. So, in about the first 3-4 months, we have to come up with $5000. Yes, I realize that everyone has high deductibles, but I’m sure not too many people have the medical expenses that Mark has. I know just about everyone reading my blog has infertility deductibles, so I won’t complain about that and I apologize for that. And I know everyone has property taxes. I shouldn’t have brought that up.

5. I did state that we can’t afford to go out to eat. We have been saving all our money paying my parents back and saving for our donor egg cycle. Before infertility, we were fine. Financially we were very stable. I consider our infertility treatments just as “spending money on our children”. When people have children, I often hear that going out to eat and the “wants” aren’t as easy to do. It’s the same situation. As far as how we’re going to afford it, I know God will provide. The money has always been there for us. We have no loans except for the house and my parents. No car loans, credit card debt, nothing like that. I think we’ll be fine. I manage our money very well. We are working very hard to make money for our infertility treatments. People have asked how they can help. I don’t want to simply ask for money and I certainly don’t want people to feel they have to give to me. The memory quilts was something my mom and I thought of and we love it. We admittedly are way underpriced (normally they are $300 and we’re charging $60). But I want to be able to give back to others who have given so much to me. And if someone wants to donate, I’d rather give them something in return for their thanks and as a reminder of what they have done to help us.

6. I do count my blessings. I am EXTREMELY blessed and I can’t believe you would think I don’t. I want respect, that’s all. I don’t ever remember saying anything mean about Mark’s mom. I love Mark’s mom and I would never say anything mean about her. Granted, yes, I have been angry with the boys, but I just want to be respected. Maybe I shouldn’t say things on my blog and think before I speak, but this is MY blog and I can voice my opinions.

And if you don’t like my blog, please don’t read it. Thank you for caring enough about my life to read it, but if it offends you, please do not read it.

Honest scrap....#3..second post

I was tagged by DaniKel and Kate for the Honest Scrap. Like I said, I enjoy reading about other people so I kind of enjoy this. But honestly I'm starting to run out of things. :)

I can't tag anybody else....so I'm skipping that part. :)

Here are 20 more things about me.

1. Hearing about onemorebaby embarrassing her husband reminded me of the time I really embarrassed Mark. We were in a big retail store on a Saturday. It was really busy. We came to a big display of jumbo toilet paper. I went up to it and said to Mark in the most serious voice, "Oh my goodness! This is perfect for your problem!". I have never seen Mark so embarrassed and other people were just staring at him. It was awesome.

2. In high school during one of my gymnastics meets, I missed a move and landed straight on my neck. My parents videotaped every single one of my meets. My loving brother snuck the tape the next tape and brought it to his Biology class to show them, first in regular speed, then slow motion, over and over again. He thought it looked so funny. Granted it was kind of funny, but I was pretty upset about it, especially when I complained to my parents and they thought it was funny he did that.

3. In middle school, my nickname was "Indention" because my boobs were so little they "indented" into my body. :( I'll never forget that as it really bothered me.

4. When Mark was really sick when we first got married, I used to be so relieved when he went into the hospital because I would get a break and could get some sleep.

5. I really like to eat bran muffins because it cleans me out and it's a good feeling.

6. My all-time favorite movies are "Girls Just Want To Ha.ve Fun" and "Adven.tures in Baby-sitting". I could watch those over and over. I know...I'm a dork.

7. Mark's ex's name is Bambi. No, she's not a thin, sexy, blonde stripper...far from it. But, there have been times when I'm really upset with her that I want to ask her how Thumper's doing.

8. I have my funeral planned out, what songs I want sung and who my pallbearers are, etc.

9. I know one day in my life I will be donating my kidney, whether it's someone I know or a stranger. I can't imagine not doing it after having been through it with Mark. It's just something I know I'm meant to do sometime in my life and God will show me the right time.

10. The summer before I was going back to college, I was working as a waitress and at a gas station. I had to quit one job before going back to college. As a waitress, I earned 3 times more money but the hours were going to be 6 at night until 3 in the morning on weekends. At the gas station, I was going to make squat but I could open the station on weekends, the hours would be better and I could study during slow times. Despite everyone telling me I should stay waitressing and make money (which college student wouldn't want to do that?), I thought I'd stay at the gas station where I could be more relaxed and study while getting paid. Everyone thought I was an idiot and I started questioning myself. A month after I had decided to stay there, guess who started working there? Mark! The rest is history. It was the best decision I ever made and proof that God shows the way.

11. I have certain things in my bedroom that if I die I'm terrified of my family finding them. I actually have a friend who has agreed to take care of them if I die. Not to worry...nothing that bad! And it's really not that embarrassing to me.

**GASP** Did she really just blog THAT?????

12. Mark and I waited until we were married. I know, probably more than what people wanted to know, but it's something that was always important to me and I'm not ashamed to tell it.

13. We get water containers refilled at our grocery store. Mark and I play a game to see who can get their water jug filled first. That means when Mark is filling his, I'll move his container so water goes everywhere or I'll tickle him so he can't fill it, etc. It's something we always do. And we've gotten quite a few looks from people when we do it and one day I'm waiting for the time when we get kicked out for doing it.

14. I hate it when people take advantage of me. It bothers me as I could never do that to someone else.

15. I once yelled at Mark's cardiologist because the test came out wrong and I was not happy as it caused a lot of heartache for us. We were originally told there was nothing wrong with Mark's heart and then later told his blockages were so bad he needed a heart transplant. It took a year before the doctor was comfortable around me. I still feel bad to this day about that. Like it was the doctor's fault.

16. Mark's doctor is married to my therapist. In fact, it was Mark's doctor who encouraged me to see a therapist after all the infertility issues. I told him I would only see one if I could see his wife and despite the fact that she had a 3-month waiting time to get in to see her, he got me in to see her the next day. We are very close to both of them and they are so much more than doctors to us. They are like our family and I don't know what we would do without them. I actually have tears in my eyes because I love them both so much.

17. I have never called in sick when I'm really not sick.

18. In high school, my dad was really sick and I had to do chores for him before going to school. I got in trouble for it because school was "more important" and was told it was an "unexcused absence". My mom had to come in and sit with me in the principal's office while I cried because I was so worried about my dad and then getting into trouble for helping him.

19. I never went to prom.

20. I'm in charge of the cradle roll at church where I get toys for the nursery and get roses for new babies, etc. Sometimes I love it and other times, I hate it.

My lemonade award

Okay, I want to say that yesterday, it sounded like I was complaining. Well, I guess I kinda was. But, I also know that I would spend ANY amount of money for our baby. Like my doctor once told me, you spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your child....what's another 10 or 20 thousand? Which is true. It was just a little sad to me when we figured out how much we had spent JUST in 2008 (we've spent a lot more in other years) and we have no baby.

But, the thing is, we made it. Yeah, we spent a lot of money, but we only owe my parents a little less than $3000. I have no idea where the rest of the money came from, but we made it. God provided it for us and for that I'm grateful....very grateful.

So, I'm sorry if I came across as complaining. It was just a little depressing, but when you look at the other side of it, God provided for us. And I had experiences last year that I NEVER would have traded any amount of money for, so it was worth it to me.

Okay, so I was nominated for this award by http://ourjourneywithourtwodaughters.wordpress.com/ Thank you sweetie!



It's a Lemonade Stand Award. This award stands for when you are given a bunch of lemons you turn them into lemonade. I am very honored to receive this award. It makes me so proud and honored. Thanks!

To receive this award here are the rules:

1) You must link back to the person from whom you received the award, and

2) You have to nominate 10 bloggers who are deserving of this award.

Okay, honestly, I can't pick 10. There are a few people who really stand out in my mind, but in all honesty, my whole blogging world at some point in time has made lemonade out of lemons. So, how in the world can I pick just 10? There's just no way.

So, I guess I nominate everyone. Yeah, I know, pretty much a cop out and very general, but I feel at some point everyone has done it and everyone has made an impact in my life because they've made lemonade out of lemons. So thank you. :)

And I know I've done the honest scrap thing twice and I've been tagged 3 times. I know I wouldn't have to do it again, but I think it's so interesting to hear more about people like that and I guess I want to let people know how sick and twisted I really am. So, I actually like doing it....even if I am running out of things to say. :) So, I'll be doing another honest scrap soon. You guys are so *lucky*.

Oh, and last night, I SHAVED MY LEGS!! It made Mark's night. He was shocked. :)

$15,774.19

While working on taxes, that's the amount we spent on infertility last year.

So depressing.

I'm thinking of having a shirt made up: "I spent over $15,000 towards a baby and all I got was an empty, lonely uterus".

Kind of makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn't it? :(

I know I've been tagged a couple times and one is a honest scrap again...lucky you guys. :) I will be doing it very soon, I promise!

Honest Scrap...again

Life Is Now tagged me for "Honest Scrap"...so I get to do it again! Lucky you guys!!

The rules of the award:
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap."
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Here's some more juicy stuff..or not so:

1. I hate shaving my legs, especially in the winter. I will go weeks without doing it. Mark hates that and I'm always afraid I'm going to get in a car accident or have a serious injury and end up in the hospital. It freaks me out.

2. I hate licorice, always have, always will.

3. I have very ugly toes where my second toe is very noticeably longer than my big toe. I very seldom ever wear flip-flops because of it.

4. I still have a very sore spot in my butt from my one progesterone shot I got right before our transfer was cancelled. It usually only hurts when I run, but every time I run, I'm reminded of the babies we lost.

5. I've skipped church before because I was angry with God...I know, that's HORRIBLE!

6. I once was serving a big family dinner. I couldn't remember if the dishes were clean in the dishwasher or not. They looked like it, but I usually rinse off my dishes before I put them in. I needed the plates so I served them anyway. Totally disgusting, huh?

7. I usually clip my toenails while I'm pooping for "something to do".

8. If I had a shotgun next to my bed, I would maybe think about using it on my dog when he decides he's lonely at 4 in the morning on a Saturday morning and won't leave me alone until I actually get up.

9. Sometimes when I'm with Tyler and Peyton and strangers mistaken me for their mom, I don't correct them as I just wanna feel that feeling.

10. I'm terrified of Mark having a massive heart attack and dying in front of me.

Okay, the blogs I tag. These are blogs that have recently updated, in no particular order :). If you don't want to do it, that's okay!

1. Rachel
2. Tina
3. Jess
4. Tracy
5. Stacey
6. Montana's Mommy
7. Malia's Mom

I also have been tagged by a couple other blogs and I will do that! I promise!

WOW!

I am in awe of the support I received yesterday. Thank you, thank you, thank you! It meant so much to me to hear the sweet words and understanding. Here I thought I would offend people and instead I got the most amazing support and positive comments. I really, really needed that you guys, so thank you! I know I have a HUGE support system in you guys and you proved it.

(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I need some ideas guys. Mark turns 50 March 2. For those who don't know, I married an older man. I call him a cradle robber and he says I'm a cradle rocker because I "rock his cradle". :)

Anyway, I am having a party for him March 7. Here is a look at the invites we sent. I think they turned out really good. :)



The invites say "Mark's almost as old as a T-bird!" as the T-bird is almost 50 years old. We had to do something involving cars. So, the idea was to have Mark holding a T-bird looking surprised. He couldn't pick just one so he had to have 3....sigh. What is it with men and cars?

I want to do something special for him and I have no idea so I need some ideas there. :) Also, what should I do at the party? Anybody have any good recipes? I am going to steal some from Michelle's Path of Recipes for sure. :) Should I have scrapbooks out with pictures of him or would be too much like a "visitation" or a "funeral" and not so much of a party?

I was also thinking about doing some kind of online thing because you guys have been so supportive and know a lot about Mark (Mark thinks you know too much :)). I was thinking of maybe having people send birthday wishes to him and I can make a little book out of it or something. Anyone else have any better ideas?

I want to make this birthday so special for him. I honestly never thought he would make it to 50...doctors told him when he was a teenager that he would be lucky to make it to 20. So, I really want to make this as special for him as I can, something he will never forget.

Also, as long as we're on the ideas thing, I need some ideas for my mom. She has been soooooo supportive. She's made memory quilts for us, bought material for us for baby blankets, has let us "forget" about the loan we have with them for now even though they are struggling financially. I can't tell you guys how much my mom has done for us. Right now I feel like I'm disappointing her by not going directly into an anonymous cycle. She wants us to just go ahead with it and she gets tears in her eyes when I tell her we're going to slow down for a little bit.

I want to do something special for her. She's my rock and has always been there for me. What can I do for her? I feel like a bad daughter because I'm disappointing her after all she's done for us. Honestly, I feel like we should go ahead with the anonymous cycle right now for her even though my heart's not in it, but I feel I need to think of myself, too.

So, I need lots of ideas guys and I would love some. :) Bring em on guys. :)

Thanks again for EVERYTHING! I am amazed at how much love you guys give me and continue to give me. It means the world to me.

Left Behind

I feel bad but this is a very selfish post. But I needed to get things out and I'm hoping that maybe someone will justify my feelings and/or maybe I can help someone else out. I realize this may make people think differently of me....I'm sorry.

I want to say that I'm very happy for my IF friends getting their BFPs, really I am. Especially those who have struggled so much. I know the pain of struggling so hard for something and wanting it more than anything and not getting it. So, I am honestly happy for people.

But, I'm jealous. Sometimes so much I'll sit and cry because they have something I don't. I know, that's terrible and I feel so selfish. Those questions of "why them, why not me?", "when will it be my turn?" and "what am I doing wrong that they can have a baby and I can't?" seem to really plague me. And as much as I'm sooooo happy for women going through IVF and having success, I wish I could've been them...why did I have to have eggs that didn't divide? Why did we have to have that bad luck? Why couldn't I have gotten a call saying "Wow! You've got some great dividing going on there!" instead of "I'm so sorry but they never divided and they didn't make it. We have to cancel the transfer.". Honestly, that's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but sometimes I wish I hadn't been the chosen one to go through that pain and I wish someone else would've. It's so "un-Christian" of me and I feel so bad about myself when I think these things.

Mark and I decided we wanted to try when Tyler was 6 months old. He is now 6 YEARS old. 5-1/2 years. I know others have tried a lot longer than us and honestly, I don't know how you keep going. I know it's the dream that "some day it will happen" that keeps you going, but I admire anyone who can.

I originally came to a chat room back in 2006. I began to make great friends, sisters really. Now, a lot of them have graduated to the "Beyond TTC" side and I don't know very many people on the "Trying to Conceive" side anymore. I know almost everyone on the "Beyond TTC" but it hurts too much to go over there. I do sometimes just to see how everyone is doing and how their babies are doing, but it hurts and I feel bad that I'm not stronger to spend more time over there...like I'm a bad friend for not supporting them.

So, I feel "left behind". I know my friends will never leave me and they've shown that over and over by all their support and love and encouragement. They've stuck by my side through thick and thin, encouraging me, telling me that one day it WILL be my turn and playing that "tug of war" game with me against infertility. They're on my side pulling with me and for that I'm sooooo grateful. I don't want to mention any names as I'm afraid I'll miss someone, but you know who you are...the ones who even though you've gotten your dreams, you still stand by me 100% and encourage. You haven't forgotten me. THANK YOU!! I couldn't be strong enough to go through this alone, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I have to say that when I look at the big picture, I do realize that I wouldn't trade the way this has worked out for anything, as much as it hurts and as much as I feel "left behind". I've met AWESOME people...friends/sisters whom I know I will be in contact with for the rest of our lives. And most importantly, I met my "soul mate" when I met my donor angel...someone I never would've met had this journey gone a different direction. So, I am grateful and I need to focus on that.

But sometimes I tend to feel sorry for myself and really get down about everything. I wish I didn't....I really wish I didn't have the jealousy, anger or depression I feel some days. I wish Satan wouldn't play with my head like that.

I hope in some way I've helped someone by putting my feelings down. It helps me to write them down, but I get nervous that I've offended someone or hurt someone and I don't want to do that by ANY means. If I have, I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart.

My dream last night

I had to share my dream last night. I dreamt that I gave birth to a baby boy. He was very premature. I was only 5 months pregnant and I never knew I was pregnant (yeah, like THAT would happen :)). I was all alone. I couldn't get a hold of anyone in my family or my therapist. And Mark wasn't in the picture at all. Eventually, my old college roommate came to be with me. I also apparently had a 4-year-old girl at home.

Okay, those "dream interpretators"....what does that mean?

Honestly, I woke up pretty down about it. The dream seemed so real and the baby seemed so close, yet so far. I could "feel" him and "touch" him. It was like a dream come true. I can still see and feel that dream so much. But I was all alone...Mark wasn't in my life. And to be honest, I woke up feeling horrible because it was a dream, not reality. I'm not a mother. I'm not pregnant.

I hate sucky dreams that make you feel that way.

And I wanted to mention this. Remember awhile ago when I mentioned Peyton sometimes calling me Mommy? When Tyler was little, he did the same thing...usually he just called me Tammy, Mommy or Grandma. He hasn't since he was about Peyton's age. Well, this weekend, Mark was tickling him and Tyler was trying to get me to help him. He was yelling my name and after a couple times of my name, he started yelling "Mommy!". Both Mark and I were telling him I was Tammy. Tyler said "Please, just let me call you Mommy!"

I have no idea what to make of that. It's sweet, but it's like a reminder that I'm not...if that makes any sense. I don't understand why Tyler would start calling me Mommy like that and then beg me to let him call me Mommy. Maybe it was just a spur of the moment thing and just wanted me to help him from Mark's tickling. It happened a couple times on Saturday while Mark was tickling him.

I've been thinking quite a bit about it today...just kind of down about things. It doesn't help that I found out another one of Mark's nieces is pregnant....sigh. It seems I try to "not think about baby stuff" right now and it just doesn't leave me. I don't understand it and I needed to get things out.

Oh, and I wanted to update on the Mark/Chad situation. Mark did finally call Chad last night at 6 after I asked him to. Apparently Chad didn't forget about our deal and just has been putting it off. That made me even more mad....but whatever. Mark just shrugged his shoulders like it was no big deal. I probably get too upset about things, but I feel very used and disrespected.

Can ya tell I'm not having the best of days? I needed to type some stuff out and this blog is the best place for my venting. I bet you guys will start charging me for therapy, huh? :)

Shoutout to Mindi

I'm not sure if you're here or not, but I know you found out about my memory quilts and I know you wanted onet. I've been trying to email you but I don't think you're getting it. If you want a quilt, we'd love to do it for you! Just send the pictures to [email protected]. The payment can be made through Paypal with that email.....$60 for 12 or $40 for 6.

I'm sorry I haven't been able to connect with you! I hope this finds you!! :)

Thank you so much for the support!!

Being a stepmom STINKS!!

I have to vent and being I have no one else that I can vent to, you guys are the lucky chosen ones! :)

Once again, my stepson ruined what was a wonderful night. Mark and I went out to eat last night at a nice restaurant. We can't afford it, but we decided not to get each other anything and spend it going out as we both love eating out. And it was wonderful....very nice.

We get home to a message from Mark's oldest. He's super excited because he got back $2100 from his taxes and he was so giddy and excited that he had to tell us.

Here's where I get upset.

Last October, we were told the brakes on our car were bad. We were going to get them fixed but then Chad needed money desperately. He's going to school to be a mechanic so we thought we'd let him fix them and we'd pay him $100. Seemed like a good thing all around. Chad spent a few hours trying to fix them but ended up not being able to. We agreed that we would pay him $30 for his time and then he could either pay us back the $70 or he could change the oil in both vehicles and help out his dad with a few other odds and ends. He agreed to change the oil as he had no money at all.

As much as I wanted it done then, Mark told him that we could wait until after the holidays and when we got back from Florida. Fine...whatever.

Of course, that doesn't happen and a week after we got back, I reminded Mark about it. He said he'd talk to him and of course he didn't. I let it go....until last night when we got the message. I was not happy.

The thing is, we have no money. We still owe my mom and dad $2750 from our first failed IVF and it absolutely kills me that we are putting my parents in that situation. As much as they say it's okay, I know they are struggling financially and I hate that we have put them in that situation. They know that the first of the year is always tough for us (Mark has to meet a $2500 deductible which he meets in the first 2 months so we have to come up with $2500 plus $2000 in property taxes). My parents have been more than gracious to us and I appreciate that more than anything. But, to hear from Mark's son like that when he owes us money and we're struggling just really hit me.

And I was upset with Mark because he didn't call Chad back immediately and talk to him about it. He says he'll call him today and talk to him about it. It upsets me as I feel we're being taken advantage of by Chad and I feel like it doesn't bother Mark that we owe my parents so much money still and putting them in a tough situation. I know it does, but Mark just isn't forward enough to demand the money or services from Chad and it really bothers me.

I probably am too uptight about this and I realize that. I just feel horrible that we still owe money to my parents who are sooooo supportive and Chad brags about getting so much money back when he owes us some. And to let this ruin a good night last night makes me feel even worse.

Okay, so thanks for letting me vent there. :) Now I'm going to church. :)

Pictures!

I know I'm not a picture taker and I very seldom ever post pictures, so I thought I would post a few pictures from our trip. (dripping with sarcasm)

When I took some of these pictures, Mark was kind of goofy. His exact words were "I really hope you're not planning to put these on your blog." He should know better by now. You just don't say that to me.

Here are some pictures:

This is a picture of damage from Hurricane Ike. See those sticks out in the ocean? Buildings used to be there. It was so sad to see that in person.

Mark enjoying a cup of coffee....he is a dork.

Picture of the guys from Apollo 13. Mark's giving one of them a pat on the shoulder.

This was inside a space shuttle. Mark is pretending to be floating.

Mark touching an actual moon rock.

Mark with Stacey's husband, Chuck.

Me and Stacey!

Mark is cuddling with Matthew, the middle boy of the family we stayed with.

Here is Kate, the 1-year-old of the family we stayed with, and Ben, the 8-year-old. Ben is wearing Kate's headband. :)

I have to say that the day after I posted my "What Next?" post, I read my daily devotion from my devotional Bible that I got from Michelle. Ironically, it was about "Promises Worth Waiting For" and the example it gave was when Sarai wanted a baby so bad with Abram and she wasn't able to have one. She had Abram sleep with her maidservant to have a baby who ended up pregnant, but the jealousy got to be too much and they were against each other. Sarai did end up having a baby later and it talked about how Sarai's life changed because she took matters into her own hands instead of waiting for God.

I know God meant for me to read that. It did give me hope, but as I was reading it, I was thinking, "God, yes, I can wait, but what do you want me to do in the meantime? I'm going crazy here! Tell me what to do!".

I can just picture God with his hand on his forehead shaking His head saying "Oh my goodness. This woman is a lost cause".

I did want to share a few sentences that really touched me from the devotion in hopes of maybe helping others:

Waiting is hard when you just know your life will be so much better if your hopes become reality. Waiting is hard...especially when years pass and there is no sign of your expectations being met. Often, the longer you wait, the more desperate you become.

God has plans for your life. Plans that will make you thrive and not be knocked down by life's setbacks. God's plans are well worth waiting for. You may be tempted to take matters into your own hands, thinking God is just a little bit late. But don't risk God's perfect intentions for you by relying on your own schemes. Waiting for God's perfect timing can save you years of heartbreak. Remember, God is faithful and always keeps his promises...even if you have to wait.

I can handle waiting...really I can. But, until then, I think I'm going to lose my mind! What do I do now? What do you want me to do God? Do I go on with the anonymous donor cycle? Do I not? Ya gotta help me out here God. I understand the waiting part and I can handle that....just don't know what ya want me to do. Send me hints God. :)

Wouldn't it be nice if God gave us all a planner? He could let us know what He wants us to do every day? That would be nice.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE!!!

Honest Scrap

Thanks to Crowded Uterus Syndrome for the nod.
The rules for this award:


1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.


2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.


3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.


7 random blogs I love:
1) The Life of Mimi

2) Onemorebaby

3) Tina

4) Pixie

5) Jody

6) Michelle

7) Cindy

10 Honest Things About Myself:

Oh, boy.....good thing Mark doesn't read my blog. :)

1. I fart and burp more than Mark. I know I've said that before, but I know I have new readers, so I had to say that. :)

2. I was a gymnast in high school and held all the school records and placed at state 2 years. Okay, so that was my bragging there. :)

3. I once passed out while having my hair curled because I got so hot. It was so embarrassing. I haven't gone near a curling iron since and I have a phobia about it.

4. Toilets with "weird" holes scare me. It's those toilets with the big holes with another little hole in the middle. I know that's not a good explanation and doesn't make any sense, but just humor me. :) I know....extremely weird.

5. I walk around naked in the house just to see Mark's reaction and I flash him at least once a day.

6. I bought a new vacuum specifically made for pet hair and now I love to vacuum all the time. It's seriously got Mark worried as I hate cleaning and he has thought about talking to my therapist about me possibly having an obsessive disorder....seriously.

7. I still check my CM even though it doesn't matter right now. Just the other day I was thinking to myself "Man, that's some awesome egg white. Where are the markers when you need them?"

8. I think about my 4 babies we lost during our IVF every day. I would be 4 months pregnant right now and I miss them so much.

9. I also think about meeting my donor angel and I know if the IVF would have worked, I wouldn't have met her. My 4 babies helped me meet one of the greatest people I've ever met in my life and someone whom I love just as much as the babies we lost. So thank you my angels for helping me meet my donor angel.

10. I cry a lot. In fact, I can't remember a day I didn't cry.

Thank you again to all of you for all your support! It means so much! Tomorrow I'll be posting some pictures of our trip.

Have a great Valentine's Day!

What next?

I've gotten a lot of questions as to what our plan is now. What are we going to do? Here's the answer:

I have no idea.

Like I've said before, I'm not giving up. I can't give up. Yet my dream just seems so far away and it seems like we're back at square one.

Just as a warning, this may get a little "deep". I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days and I've decided to get it all out.

I've been thinking about the last IVF and wondering if there really is something wrong with my eggs. Maybe I'm in denial...I don't know. But, I've been wondering if it was a "God thing". I mean, He can perform miracles and did so many times in the Bible. Surely He can stop my eggs from dividing. Maybe He knew that undergoing a failed transfer would be more than I could handle. As much as I wanted to be "pregnant until proven otherwise" maybe it would've been too hard on me to have it not work. I keep coming back in my mind that there is nothing wrong with me and that God just "stopped it". Like I said, maybe I'm in denial.

That being said, I don't think I could take the chance of another IVF for me financially or emotionally, especially if it didn't work. I would rather go onto donor IVF with a better chance of it working than spend the money and emotions into a regular IVF if it doesn't work or I get the same results. Right now, I just want a baby and it doesn't matter to me how it comes to me.

But, when I think about this being a "God thing", I honestly wonder if I'm meant to have a child with Mark. I know that if we had a baby, it would be extremely hard for me. Even with 2 healthy parents, raising a baby is tough. But, I have to take care of Mark, too, and that alone is very stressful. I know I have wonderful family who would be there to help, but obviously no one can be there 24/7. And Mark has insulin reactions that cause him to sometimes act "drunk" or out of control. He doesn't remember them at all which is scary. I know it's not Mark's fault, but it would be hard to raise a baby in that situation.

So, I've been wondering if this is all in God's plan and if I'm just not meant to have a baby with Mark. But, does that mean I really want to "give up" on the idea? Do I just live my life concentrating on Mark and giving up on my dream? But do I really want to spend $20,000+ on something that in my heart I just don't think is going to work anyway? And I don't want to go into an anonymous donor IVF cycle with a bad attitude about it.

I know this is more my dream than Mark's. I know Mark would do ANYTHING to make me happy which is why he means sooooo much to me. I know with his age and health, the last thing anyone would want is another child, but he's willing to do anything for me. I do know he wants a child with me, but I know he's mostly doing this for me.

One thing I've talked about is the fact that I want to have a baby with Mark. He's always wanted a daughter and I would love to give him one. But, I know Mark is very close to Peyton. He loves her so much. And he's got the best of the situation. We get to have her overnight one night a week, which he absolutely loves. And he gets to spend time with her without getting wore out. In a sense, he has that "daughter" relationship but the best part of it. He doesn't have to deal with being tired or the dirty diapers, late nights, etc. Only the hugs, kisses and reading books for a whole day. He loves it.

So, if something were to happen to Mark, I would feel like I really did give him a "daughter"....but in the best way I could. I know he has the boys, so I know he got to be a father and that gives me comfort.

But the desire to have a baby is so strong. I think about it every second of every day. I pray to God that if it's not meant to be, please, please take this desire away from me. I can't handle it. I know there is a reason why this desire won't go away. I feel like there is a special baby out there just for me. I can't explain why I would otherwise feel this way. Why would I have the desire if it's not meant to be right now? I don't understand.

If anyone has seen the movie, "Jun.o", I feel so much like Vanessa. In that movie, her husband was the one who seemingly was "preventing" her from having a baby. I know it's not Mark's fault by ANY means and I'm not saying it is, but in some ways I feel Mark is "preventing" me from having a baby. Again, I'm not blaming him at all and I know he would change things in a heart beat if he could.

**SPOILER ALERT** IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE AND DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE ENDING, SKIP THE NEXT PARAGRAPH!!!!

But, it gives me comfort that in the end, Vanessa was still able to have her baby. There was a special baby out there just for her. That movie gives me hope and I've watched it quite a few times when I'm feeling down.

OKAY TO READ AGAIN!!!

Those are just a few of the thoughts running through my head. I do feel better after putting them down.

Please God, show me the way. Make this easier on me. I'm so tired of being hurt all the time. I'm so tired of coming to dead ends. I'm so tired of having hope to have it be shattered.

God, I'm so tired and I don't know if I have the strength to continue on.

Meeting our donor angel

For those who have checked out Stacey's blog and have followed, you're in for a real treat! Her blog is amazing and I'm very excited some of you have checked it out. Thank you so much for doing that!!

We're home and aside from both feeling sick with something, we're doing pretty good.

Onto the good stuff. :)

We were finally able to meet our donor angel Friday night, the day before we were leaving. She has 2 kids and both were pretty sick the whole week we were there until the last day so we decided to meet for Mexican that night.

I was so nervous meeting her at first. I don't think I've ever been more nervous in my life! But, the moment I saw her, I was so excited to finally see her. It was a maze to get to her and I had to go around a lot of people :), but I got to her. I actually held it in. I could feel the tears coming, but they stayed.

She and her husband are such great people. And her kids are so adorable. The oldest girl is so beautiful. We were both in awe of how beautiful she is. Mark loved her hair and I loved her eyes. And their youngest boy was soooo adorable and had the cutest cheeks that you just wanted to squeeze. It was so easy to talk to her and her husband and the time just flew by. I didn't want the night to end. We talked about a lot of different things, took pictures and laughed and had a great time.

So, you can imagine how tough it was for me to leave. The minute we walked away from their van, I started crying. And I cried the whole way back to the house. I wish we had another week there. It just felt so wrong to only have one night together....I so wish it could've been more.

That night, I had a lot of trouble sleeping. Mark heard me tossing and turning and asked if I was okay. All I did was start crying and ask "why?". Mark didn't have to ask what I was talking about...he knew. And he just held me and let me cry. I'll never forget that moment.

To be honest, I was questioning God a lot. I couldn't figure out why He wouldn't let this work. I wanted it to work out so bad. But I do know it's not His will and I respect that. It would've been easier to handle if my donor angel and her husband were stuck-up, mean, rotten people and their kids were spoiled rotten little brats....then I could understand. But it was the complete opposite. Both Mark and I fell in love with them. So, it's been hard for me to understand.

I know God wanted us to meet. Everything was coming together so perfect....right up until I bought the nonrefundable tickets. Then, it just seemed to fall apart. So, I know God wanted Mark and I to travel down there and meet both my donor angel and Stacey and spend time with Mark's niece's family. I am very grateful we got to meet 2 wonderful families.

I look back at this journey and although I don't understand a lot of it and I question it a lot, I am grateful. If I hadn't had the failed IVF and found out about my scrambled eggs, I never would have gotten close to my donor angel. I've found another family and sister that I otherwise never would've met and gotten close to. Although the pain of the failed IVF was so great, I can honestly say it was worth it because I got to connect with my donor angel...a person that my future baby will know a lot about and how wonderful she is and how much she wanted to bring him/her into this world.

To my donor angel: I love you and miss you so much. Words can't express just how much you truly mean to me and I hope you know that. I'm so grateful to have you in my life.

I met Stacey!!!

Yesterday I had the wonderful opportunity of meeting another blogger friend, Stacey. If you haven't checked out her blog, you have to. Her blog is soooooo inspiring and one of those that you read her blog and you just feel so much better about yourself and life. She truly is amazing.

I've been trying to be secretive about my location to respect my donor, but Stacey put clues together and found out where I was. I felt like "Where's Waldo?" and I was caught. It just so happened that we were going to a boardwalk just 5 miles away from her house! Pretty cool, huh? So, we exchanged phone numbers and we met.

Her blog entry explains it sooooo well and also on her blog is a picture of us. I will be posting a picture as soon as we get home, but if you want to check it out, go to her blog: Stacey's blog

It was a short visit, but felt even shorter. I really wish we would've had more time. It was pretty neat to be able to meet this person who has inspired me so much by her blog and her words of encouragement. And to meet my sister in Christ just makes it that much more special to me.

Stacey wanted me to wear a red and white-striped shirt like Waldo. :) And me being the dork I am, would have if I had one, but unfortunately I didn't and when I mentioned to Mark about swinging over to Walmart to get one, he just rolled his eyes.

Stacey, thank you for figuring me out and for contacting me! I feel truly blessed to have met you and Chuck. You guys are amazing and such a wonderful couple. God brought us together for a reason, and like you said, it was no coincidence. :)

Tonight we meet our donor. I'm looking forward to it and I know it will be an emotional time but I'm glad I'm doing it.

I think I've picked up a great souvenier here. A couple days ago, I had been listening to e-books with Ben (the oldest boy) on the computer. We were sharing headphones, heads just a couple inches apart, sharing the keyboard and mouse, etc. His mom calls and Ben starts telling her about the fever he has. When he gets off the phone, I ask him about his fever and he nonchalantly is like "oh, yeah, I've got 102 fever"...like it was no big deal. That's the way Ben is, just goes with the flow. A few days before that, he wasn't feeling real good and they did a quick strep and it was negative. Well, that night that he had the fever and we were sharing the computer, he had another quick strep which was positive. Last night, I had a headache. I woke up this morning with...you guessed it...a sore throat, stuffy nose and not feeling well at all. So, I've spent most of the day sleeping and resting. I hope it's not strep, but I wouldn't doubt it. Matthew (the middle boy) had strep right before we came but was on antibiotics when we came. So, strep was definitely in the house.

I could blame it on Stacey as she did have a sore throat, but I know it wasn't her. :)

We leave tomorrow at 6 in the morning to go back home. It will be nice to be home, although I definitely will miss this weather. :)

Just to answer a few questions...

First of all I want to say thanks so much to you guys for making me cry! Wow..you guys are so sweet! I certainly don't consider myself to be a strong person at all and what you guys have said has really touched me, so thank you!

As far as the FMLA (LOA), IVF is not considered valid for that. I tried so hard for it last fall when I underwent IVF. Apparently it's not considered "medically necessary" so it doesn't qualify in FMLA. That's right....instead of making love to my husband and creating a baby, I seem to want to go the hard way and get a hockey stick up my vee-jay many times, get endless shots, drive hundreds of miles and spend thousands of dollars, all because it's not "medically necessary". That's me...always wanting to do things the hard way rather than the easy way. (Can ya tell that's a little bit of a sore spot?)

We definitely we will be going on. I can't give up. Like I've said before, I want to be a good mom and a good mom will never give up on her child. However, I do want to go God's direction and where He leads me, is where I'll go.

The movie theater was AWESOME!! I didn't realize how common they were until I read your comments! Wow! We really are deprived in Wisconsin. Mark and I decided we definitely needed to start one of those theaters. :)

Oh, and I've been told a few times now that I have a Wisconsin accent. Really? What the heck is a "Wisconsin accent"?? I've never heard of that but I've been told several times I have an accent. Let me tell ya, it's the people here who have the accents. :) They sure talk weird. :)

Yesterday we went to a space center which was really neat for Mark. It was really neat to see his face....like a kid on Christmas and almost like seeing a classic car...almost. :) Today we went into a city that was damaged by a major storm. It was really sad to see all the damage still there. Really sad. But, I was glad we saw it as it really made me realize just how big the storm was and how lucky Mark and I were to not be in it. Tomorrow we'll be going with Mark's niece and the kids to a boardwalk.

The kids have been a blast. The middle one is such a snuggler and it's so much fun. The baby girl is soooo cute. We've come to realize that when she thinks she's in trouble, she "blows kisses". It's sooooo cute. :) The middle boy lost his tooth yesterday and we were asking him about how much money he was going to get. Then the oldest boy came up to Mark and I and said in a really low voice, "I know what the tooth fairy looks like. I'll describe her to you later when it's safe." It was pretty cute. Kids are just so adorable sometimes.

I still haven't met our "donor". She's had some illness in her house so it's been tough to get together. I sure hope we're able to. We're also trying to meet up with another NW girl and hopefully we'll be able to do that, too. :)

Anyway, thanks again for all the wonderful support and the nice words. It means a lot to me.

Reasons why donor won't work

I've gotten a few people questioning why the donor won't work. I'm really sorry I haven't explained it all. So, here it goes.

The original plan was to do a fresh cycle. The donor lives states away. So, in order to do this, we knew we'd have to travel a couple times which we were originally okay with. We got the initial appointment set up and everything. I got into trouble at work because I when I set this appointment, I used "unplanned PTO" and I've used too much with Mark being in the hospital and with me being sick. If it happens again, I get written up. I knew with the transfer, they could give me approximate dates. However, if that changes by 1-2 days and I have to change my days off, it would count as "unplanned PTO" and I would get written up. My job is too important for us to risk that, especially with Mark being on disability. We also found out that we would probably have to travel 3-4 times and that just wasn't feasible with work and Mark traveling. It's sooooo hard on Mark traveling.

So, we thought we would have our donor cycle where she was at and have the embryos frozen. We knew the chances were lower, but we knew God knew the future no matter what. I called my clinic to make sure this was okay and they didn't know. My doctor was out of the office until this week. They did have me talk to the donor coordinator at my clinic to see what our options were. I talked to her last Tuesday and gave her my thoughts and she said she would get back to me.

Let me tell you, Tuesday night and Wednesday morning I prayed so hard for the right answer to come. I kept telling God I couldn't take this anymore. I needed answers. I needed to know what to do next....make it an easy decision for me. I was so stressed out and I felt like I just couldn't handle anything anymore. I gave it to Him.

The next day I get a call from the donor coordinator again. She told me that freezing the embryos and having them shipped here was not an option. When she told me that, my heart sank. I was soooo disappointed. But, not long after that, I felt a sense of relief as God clearly gave me His answer. It wasn't meant to be with this donor. As much as I wanted it to work it, it wasn't meant to be. I was praising and thanking God so much for showing me His way, not my way. After all, that's what I wanted and that's what He did.

As hard as it was at first, it's been easier. Basically because I feel this is the way God wants us to go and I've said this whole time that I want to follow His path, not my path, and I feel this is the path we're meant to go on.

The interesting thing is, we still made the trip states away. I knew my doctor would back when we were gone and I knew he would call me on my cell. He called yesterday and talked to me for a good half hour. He told me that it would be an option to freeze and that my coordinator was misinformed.....interesting. We talked about the success rates and options and things. He was very helpful. Then, he said something I will never forget:

"Tammy, I want you to know that whatever you decide, I will support you. If you were my sister, I would tell you to do the fresh cycle if there is any way you can. You've been through enough and I don't want to see you hurt anymore. You went through a horrible ordeal with IVF. Our main focus is bringing you a baby and we want to give you that chance with the best success rate. But, whatever you decide, I will always be here and support you."

Of course I started crying. It meant the world to me.

So, technically I guess, it could still work if I really, really wanted to. But, I can tell you when my coordinator told me that they couldn't do a frozen cycle with the embryos, I knew God wanted us to go a different direction. It's hard to explain, but when you're a Christian, God can lead you and He definitely has for me. I had suspicions as I had contacted 2 lawyers who were very eager to write up contracts for us. Neither one called or e-mailed after I first talked to them. Lawyers don't do that. They want business and I had e-mailed and called 2-3 times and they never got back to me. It did make me wonder.

I know God has plans for me, plans for the good of me and not to harm me. And in my heart, I know we need to go a different direction. That's not to say I'm not terribly disappointed or depressed about it...I am. And this donor will always have a special place in my heart and I hope we'll always be friends. But, God comes first and He knows my needs and wants and knows the best for me. I trust Him. I know He knows what He's doing.

So, there ya go. :) I hope that answers some questions. I apologize for the confusion.

Greetings from a faraway place :)

I was able to get on so I wanted to update. Thank you sooooo much everyone for your support and words of encouragement.

I still want to respect my "donor" and not tell where we are. I know things aren't going to work out, but I still want to respect her.

We're having a good time with Mark's niece, her husband and their kids. They have an 8-year-old, 6-year-old and a 1-year-old. They are all sooooo sweet. The 1-year-old is a girl who has really warmed up to us. The other 2 are boys and are such huggers and sweethearts. The 6-year-old reminds me a lot of Tyler.

Today we're just resting a little bit and then this afternoon we're going to a theatre where you can order food while watching the movie! We've never heard of that....at least in WI :)....so we're excited to try it. We're going to watch "New. In. To.wn". That takes place in MN and we've wanted to see it.

Emotionally, I'm doing better. I definitely still have my moments, but I have to put on a happy face and I've been trying to do that. I'm still so disappointed that this donor won't work out, but I know God has His reasons. It's still hard for me to understand why God would bring us together and have everything seem so "right"....only for it to be taken away. I don't understand and I know I won't until I see His reason.

I want to say thank you to all of you. Your friendship and love mean sooooo much to me. I was so anxious to get onto the computer and to my "blog land family". You guys mean so much to me. I don't know how I made it through the last 48 hours without ya. :)


BIG SMOOCHES AND HUGS