Friends

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Mercies in disguise

I'm one that believes God will talk to you in many different ways if you just listen.

And I believe He does it all the time and can do it with the same song using different words.

Back in March I was really having a hard time with Hannah's sleeping. I was exhausted and with Mark's health issues, I was struggling and was basically in survival mode.

I like to listen to my songs on my iPhone in the car when I'm alone which basically is only when I bring Hannah to my parents or something.

One day in March I had had a really bad night and was up with Hannah alot.  After I had dropped Hannah off, I plugged my phone in and put it on "shuffle" which for those who don't know, means the songs will come in random order. I have over 50 songs in my phone. The first song that came on was "Blessed". There is a line in the song that says "What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near.".  It was exactly what I needed to hear at that time. I felt like God was telling me He was there. I'll never forget as I was listening to that song with tears coming out of my eyes as I felt peace like never before.

Recently I had blogged about not having another child or what we assume unless God provides a miracle. It's pretty much a given that Hannah will be an only child. If I'm being honest, it bothers me more for Hannah's sake rather than my own.

I read about others going through the sleepless nights, doing the formula feeding, baby food, teething, etc.  While at times I feel sad, most of the time I can't help but think I'm so glad I'm past that.  Honestly, it was a rough stage for me, mostly because of the horrible sleep issues. I didn't say as much as I wanted to at the time because I felt like I should just be grateful I had her but I admit it was hard, I think especially because I already had so much on my plate with Mark's health issues.

And now finally as her sleep is better, I realize how hard it really was on me. It makes me appreciate the stages now.

Don't get me wrong. I miss my baby and looking back at pictures do make me sad. But, not necessarily that I want that back, just that  my girl growing up so fast.

Now, coming back to the present and to the point of the beginning of this post. :)

A few days ago, again after dropping Hannah off at my parents, I again plugged my phone in and again put it on shuffle. Can you guess which song came up first?

Yep, "Blessed".

But this time a different part of the song stuck out to me.

There is a line in the song that says "what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise".

It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I knew when we had Hannah most likely she would be our only one. I didn't know how I would feel as she grew up knowing that. I thought it would be so hard going through the milestones, etc., knowing I'd never get them again. But it doesn't bother me that much, although a little if I'm being honest.  But not nearly as much as I thought it would and I think it's because I had such a hard time for such a long time.  Even though I know every child is different, I just don't feel I could handle another "nonsleeper".  The moms of nonsleepers I've talked to have either stopped having kids after having a nonsleeper or have seriously considered stopping. I completely understand that.  It's h-a-r-d.

In some ways, I feel Hannah's difficulties sleeping were "trials".  God's "mercies" to me was having me go through the rough times of a nonsleeper so that my heart wouldn't hurt as much if I couldn't have another one.

I know if I would've had an easy baby the first year, my heart would be breaking right now. I would be wanting another one like you wouldn't believe. Going through Hannah's stuff and giving and selling it would be torture for me. I would be so depressed knowing this was it.

But I'm not depressed and I'm more okay with it than I ever thought I would be.  I believe that's God's mercy to me. He had me go through a rough time so it wouldn't be as hard on me knowing I wouldn't have another one. It was His "mercy in disguise".

I needed to hear that song that day, just like I needed to hear that song back in March. But on those 2 days I needed to hear that song for 2 very different reasons. The different words of that song stuck out in different ways.  I heard the same song in a different way both times.

My angel

Another sneak peek

Dairy Days

This past weekend a local business had Dairy Days in honor of June being Dairy Month. 

They had a petting zoo, free ice cream, balloons & a bouncy house. There were a lot of older kids so we skipped the bouncy house as I was afraid Hannah would get hurt but we did everything else. :)

Hannah loved it & especially loved the ice cream & dog in the petting zoo. She just loves dogs. :)

Hannah having some ice cream

Hannah with her ice cream & "ball". We kept trying to tell her it was actually a balloon but she insisted it was a ball. :)

Hannah and the kitty. She's actually not around cats much so she was afraid of it at first & it took awhile for her to warm up to it

Wondering where mommy went (I was putting the kitty away & Daddy was watching :))

Mommy found a puppy for her to pet!

Giving the puppy a kiss

Sneak peek of Hannah's 18-month pics

Father's Day 2013

This is another day I hated for years.

Some may not know this but Mark has 2 boys from a previous marriage. So Mark has always been a father long before our babies and Hannah came. So every Father's Day, I'd hear people tell him "Happy Father's Day!"....and I hated it.

It bothered me so much because I knew even though Mark was a father, I wasn't the one who gave him or could give him that gift and it bothered me a lot.

So, I've never been a big fan of this day just like Mother's Day. It is better now of course but I still think of those days and those still waiting because I know how hard this day can be.

That being said I make it a point to make it a very special day for Mark and Hannah. :)

Hannah gave Mark a sweatshirt with a picture of her and Mark on it with "Daddy's Sweetheart" on it. He loves those sweatshirts and wears them with such pride.  She also gave him a coffee cup with a picture of the 2 of them that says "I love my dad". Also with her mommy's help, she's working on a video with pictures of her and Mark throughout this past year.

This year she gave the gifts to her daddy and sang him a song. It was adorable. :)

The afternoon turned out to be not the best as Mark's stomach issues suddenly started acting up and he was very sick all afternoon and Hannah had tantrums.  We still were determined to make it wonderful so despite Mark being sick and having to stop on the road 3 times, we drove a couple miles away and got ice cream.

Mark said it was the "best Father's Day ever".  Considering he was so sick, that says a lot.

Mark and Hannah

Hannah singing for Daddy :)

Hannah and Daddy chilling at church

Hannah graduated to a forward sitting car seat on Father's Day. :)  Took her awhile as she had to reach 20 pounds but she did it and she was so excited to be able to see what was going on. :)

18 months today

My Hannah bear,

It’s so hard to believe you’re 18 months already. I remember when you had just turned 2 weeks and I was thinking where did the time go? Now you’re already 18 months and closer to 2 years than 1 year. You’re growing up so fast.


I’m going to write out a bunch of things you’re doing now. It may be boring to read all this right now but one day we can look back and see what you were learning and doing and it’ll be interesting to read how much you’ve improved and changed over the years.

Your vocabulary has really improved. You’ve learned so many new words, so many new ones every day it seems. You say puppy, dog, please, milk, mama, dada, mommy, Spongebob, baba, sippy, papa, ball, hi, bye, buh-bye, Hannah (which you said for the first time on Father’s Day which was the perfect gift for daddy), and others. If we ask you to repeat a word, most of the time you’ll do it if you’re in the mood for it.

You love cheese. Anything cheese, whether it’s cheese or cheese-flavored. That brings us to another issue that I won’t get into here.


At your 18-month check you were in the 20th percentile for both height and weight but 5th percentile for head. We can honestly say you don’t have a “big head”. You have consistently been in the low percentile so there is no concern at all. In fact your pediatrician said you are a growing, healthy, happy, smart, sweet girl with lots of energy and I couldn’t agree more.

You’re starting to learn to point to things when asked. You know where your nose and tummy are, too. And you love balls, just like dogs. You can point out a ball or a dog a mile away.

Your first sentence was “I frew ball!” and now you say “I want mommy”. You’re starting to put sentences together a little at a time.

You love dancing, singing and clogging. We’re planning on putting you into the Tiny Tots program this fall for clogging as you just love to watch your babysitters clog. You sang a song for daddy for Father’s Day. And when you’re done singing you start clapping and make sure we clap for you. You think you do an amazing job and you do. Recently you’ve started to bow when you’re done singing. You are quite the performer.

Another thing you love is the car. You love sitting and pretending you’re driving. Many times if you’re unhappy, we’ll just sit in the car, even if it’s for an hour. Sitting like a big girl is so much fun for you. You recently graduated to a forward sitting car seat and sat in it for the first time on Father’s Day. It took awhile as we had to wait until you were 20 pounds but you finally got there!

You say hi and bye to everyone we meet and you love waving. You are such a sweetheart. You’ll wave and say “buh-bye!” to strangers and you’ve shown us the importance of being nice to everyone, even if they aren’t as nice back. You truly make so many people’s days when you talk to them. You can get anyone to smile.

You’re finally sleeping better. It’s not the best but some nights you’ll sleep 8 hours straight which is amazing! Most nights you’re still up 2-3 times a night but it’s much better than it was. You still like to be rocked to sleep and have Mommy sing “You are my sunshine” to you. You don’t like to sleep alone at all and if I try to leave, you wake up screaming. So, I’ve learned when you go to sleep, I go to sleep and we just cuddle. I read a book on my phone while you’re sleeping and breathing next to me. It’s my favorite part of the day. It’s so peaceful.

While most times are good, you’ve recently started having your tantrums. Oh, yeah. You’re not always our perfect little angel. You’ll scream to the point where you start throwing up if you don’t get your way. And some nights it’s torture just to go to sleep and you will fight it hard. It’s all part of growing up and even though I was hoping to not get into the “terrible 2’s” quite yet, as long as you’re healthy and growing, that’s the main thing and I’ll take whatever I get as long as you’re here with me.

You’re an amazing little girl Hannah. Do you know every day I look at you and wonder how we got so lucky? Even if your daddy and I created you with our own DNA I don’t think we could’ve had a more matched little girl for us. You’re a perfect match. You’ve taught me amazing things in your short life so far: compassion, love beyond what I could’ve imagined, patience, strength and kindness amongst others. I’ve learned so much from you and you’re an amazing teacher.

These last 18 months have been the best and the amazing thing is I know it can only get better. I just can’t imagine life any better than it is and yet I know it will be better.

You’re my whole world baby girl. Mommy loves you more than you’ll ever know. You make my heart sing and my smile wider every day.

Love,

Mommy

11 days old



 18 months old (singing :))

The burning question....are we going to have another child?

This is the question I hear so much, more than any other question.

And it breaks my heart to say no.

I would in a heartbeat. I love Hannah and would love, love, LOVE to give her a sibling.

But when we went through the home study we were only approved to have one child. This was mostly because of Mark's health and the stresses, having only one strong and healthy parent and extra expenses of Mark's health.  At first I wasn't in favor of it at all and I was kinda upset. I figured I could handle twins and Mark. But honestly now I totally get it. And I think it's very wise. I know they were only looking out for what was best for the child and I can understand that and respect that.

It still breaks my heart.

I don't want Hannah to be an only child. I know now things are fine. She has cousins she's very close to. She'll make lots of friends (I hope!) and she'll make it through her childhood with flying colors (I hope!).  

But as she gets older and into adulthood, I'm worried for her. I know now I have no idea what I'd do without my brothers and sister. And I've heard from other adults who are only children who have said it was fine up until they were adults and then they were just so lonely and some have had to deal with aging parents alone because they don't have siblings to help and it's really tough they've said.

I've also had a few people tell me things like "I hope you have another one because I was an only child and hated every minute of it.", "Please tell me you'll try to have another one for Hannah so she can have a playmate. It's no fun otherwise.", etc.

That's what I'm so afraid of and it just breaks my heart.

Now I know we could go down the road of donor embryos again and not have to do a home study and worry about that.  But, in all honesty I don't think  I could go down that emotional road again.  That was so hard for me and I've gotten closure with that part of our journey. I always wanted to be pregnant and I was.  I'm a firm believer that embryos are human life from the second of fertilization. So I was pregnant twice. The only difference was I had a positive pregnancy test after the second transfer and not the first.

But having that positive pregnancy test and getting the call that I had a positive beta and going through the emotions of being pregnant, even for just a couple days, is just what I needed. It was the closure I needed to know that I indeed was pregnant.

I really don't think I could go through that emotional rollercoaster again.

Of course we have no idea what the future holds (please no one say we could have a surprise pregnancy or "now that we've adopted, we'll get pregnant".  It's not gonna happen and I HATE hearing those things).  But as of right now unless the Lord provides another route or way, Hannah will be an only child but the most loved child there could ever be.

We do know God works in ways beyond our dreams when it's meant to be. He's proven that many times to us just in bringing Hannah home. There were so many circumstances stacked up against us and yet we still brought her home.  So we know never to say never but "as far as we know", as God's way is never completely known to us.

God knows what's best for us and if that means Hannah will be an only child, that's what's best. After all, we know it's only temporary as she has many siblings in heaven and that's the life and home that really matters.

Daddy and Hannah

 These two love each other so, so much. I just couldn't have picked a better daddy for Hannah or a better daughter for Mark.

Truly, never have I seen the love these two share.

We're all so blessed

Random cuteness

A positive to every negative

One thing I've said has been if my struggles in life can help just one person by encouraging them or helping them grow in life, it's worth it to me. I know there is a reason for everything I go through in my life and if the reason is to help someone else, it's more than worth it.

I had a friend let me know just that.

I'm currently going through a situation that has been very tough for us. Rather than look at the negative, I've been trying to look at the positive and trying so hard to see God's hand in it rather than focusing on the negative. 

Now what I have to say now isn't to brag. It's to show that when you go through struggles in life, sometimes it's to help others and to witness to others even if you have no idea at the time. Everything you go through in life has a reason. That's something I really want Hannah to know and learn.

When I was talking to a friend about my situation and struggle, this is what she had to say. With her permission, I'm using it word for word

"I'm always amazed at how you can always take a challenge positively.  You, among a few other of my friends, are who inspire me. It is because of people like you that I know exactly how lucky I am and how blessed and it is because of you that I try to see every difficult thing as a blessing in disguise and not complain about stuff.

You deserve to be happy SO much, so much more than myself or many other people that I know.

I am glad you can find that happiness despite anything that life throws your way.

I wasn't going to tell you this, but at one point I asked God to please send you a child, even if it meant I couldn't have one of my own.

It didn't quite work out the way I thought it would, but I am happy you got Hannah and you have your family now.
Seriously, I think God works in mysterious ways and made me find you so that I would learn to be grateful for every little favor.
I honestly think that if I hadn't found you, and learned from you what I have, I probably wouldn't be pregnant now... because I was at a point that I was raging against God instead of submitting to his path for me.

You taught me to let things go and let him decide what was best.

Thank YOU and I know you will be able to make things work.
"God may close a door, but he will always leave a window open"

By his grace you WILL find a way."


It made my day, well, really week and year, to hear this from my friend. It was a reminder that when things can seem so negative and so low, God is working behind the scenes and although sometimes it may not benefit you, your actions and words may be encouraging and helping others.

There is a positive to every, single negative thing in life, even if you don't realize it at the time.

Driving already