My dear sweet Mark,
It’s been 3 months and 10 days since I said goodbye and heard you take your last breath here on Earth. To say I miss you is an understatement.
But if I’m being honest, I’m doing better than I thought I would. I think it’s because I watched you suffer so much for so many years. Not just days or weeks but years. I always wondered how you could do it. How you could go through life screaming in pain, not being able to see, constant appointments and pokes—-the list goes on. But the pain was the worst and it was hard to see you go through that. I often prayed God would take you home because seeing you suffer was just too hard.
How can I not be so happy for you? How can I not thank God for giving you the peace, love and absolute perfection with no pain? I’m so very happy for you sweetheart. Honestly so happy.
But life is so different.
I used to crave some time to myself, even just a half hour to read a book. Now I’ve got too much time and finding myself looking for things to keep me busy.
The phone used to ring all the time from the pharmacy, hospice nurses, clinic, our transplant coordinator, insurance, etc. Now I jump at the sound of the phone because I so seldom hear it.
There used to be meds and medical equipment everywhere in the house—not anymore. It seems so empty.
People tell me there is a calmness in our house now, a peace. Before there was so much sickness, pain and tension in the house. But I also hear how hard it is to walk into the house and not see your smiling face on the couch.
I get it. It’s very hard. Even when you were hurting you had a smile and it was a beautiful smile. A smile so many miss.
The house used to be so loud, your music always playing. Now it’s so quiet. It’s just the sound of my keyboard during the day most days.
It’s hard to explain how you can miss someone so much and yet be so happy and relieved that you finally have relief and are happy.
My biggest fear is that people will forget you. People say they won’t but I’m still worried. You are such an inspiration. You deserve to be talked about and not just someone who used to be with us
I want to make 2020 a better year, a year to honor you and God. I want to make you proud. For years you’ve told me to write a book. I’ve heard it from so many but you were the one whose words really touched my heart. You always believed in me
I feel bad you never saw me make my dream of it. You’ve watched me write things down and get ideas. But we had talks about it and I never felt it was the right time to write. We had been through so much together but like I told you, I didn’t feel it was the end to our story.
But now I do.
I feel like even in your end days on Earth, God had a major hand in it. Your death was a perfect ending to our Earthly story. I feel like it’s truly time to tell our story. This summer it hit me what the title of the book was going to be and I’m so glad God gave me the nudge to tell you. Your eyes sparkled when I told you the title—-Life Isn’t Fair, But Life Is Good. You told me it was an honor. You always said it. To me there is no better title.
I want to honor you and make you proud and so I’m going to work on that book. I’m hoping you will help me and guide me. I need you. We have quite the story—from the transplant, infertility, bringing Hannah home, your TBI and your death. All were beautiful works of God and I can’t wait to share our wonderful story.
I love you, Mark. I miss you so much. Life is so different and there are days that different is so hard. But I can honestly say I am so happy for you. You have no pain and you can see. Something you told me you couldn’t wait for. You were so excited for heaven.
I’m so happy you’re happy.
Counting the days until I see you again. Until then, please wrap your heavenly arms around Hannah and I and keep sending those hearts. We love seeing those signs.
Love you bunches,
Tammy
