The Three Letter Word That’s Often Missing…

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In my previous post, I wrote about how the words we use and the concepts we share can bring life…or death.

I know others have different thoughts or opinions on what I’m about to share. I am OK with that. I can only share my own experience, strength, and hope. It’s what worked for me. If what you are doing isn’t working for you, I encourage you to try what worked for me. I have over three decades behind me. I must be doing something right.

There is very important word a lot of people want to avoid…God. So many people are striving on their own strength to recover and they are not fully relying upon God. That doesn’t mean God does all the work and we do none. No! It means we do the best we can, but we fully engage with God in the process.

I have often heard people talk about God, even say they believe in God, but do their lives actually reflect that? Yeah, I know. This is not going to be a popular message. But addictions are a life and death issue. This is not a game. Once you die, game over in this life.

When we get thoughts or desires, we had better be relying on more than our own strength. We need to be in a good relationship with God. No, I’m not talking about perfection or rules. I’m talking about humility. Without humility we can’t really approach God anyway.

It starts off being humble. That was the idea behind the 12 Steps. Whether you espouse a 12 Step program or not, the principles are still very key. We admitted we were powerless. If we are trying to recover without God, we are saying we are NOT powerless.

We recognize God can help. We can say it, but do we truly believe it? If we don’t believe God can restore our lives, we are going to live like He can’t. Our actions will always follow our true core beliefs. If the power of God isn’t real in our lives, we are going to keep struggling.

Ask God for help. That takes humility. But it’s so necessary! The beginning of recovery is recognizing we have a problem over which we are powerless, admitting there is One who does have the power to conquer this in our lives, and asking that One for help.

For me, that One is the God of the Bible–YHVH–often written as “the LORD”. It’s Yeshua aka Jesus. If you are not there, ask whatever your conception of God is. But ask! And if your conception of God is not working with you, try this one. But, it takes working toward a real relationship.

I know my relationship with God is real because I am always seeking Him. I desire to learn about Him and about what He says is the best way to live life. He made me and He knows what is going to fill me and what is going to harm me. I can’t just pick and choose what I want to do. It’s called obedience.

So, we start where we are. We seek Him and His help. We work on our recovery with what is in front of us, whether it is with a sponsor in the 12 Steps or some other recovery program. Some folks need a recovery center in the beginning. Some folks need longer term care. Some need counseling/therapy help. Some need a coach. We all need support.

I know of folks who have conquered addictions without a relationship with God. But they are few and far between. And the real question, too, is whether it will last. Regardless of one’s beliefs, there are folks who will go for years and then, suddenly go out. Why? I believe those who are serious about their relationship with God are the ones who will make it in the long run. Of course, we are all human and can have our moments of weakness and being overwhelmed. That’s why I focus so much on keeping my relationship with God real and alive.

I was challenged in the beginning by someone whose concept of God was very different from mine. She told me I was afraid because I didn’t believe my God would keep me sober. She was right. I had to re-evaluate what I truly believed about God. Because actions will always follow beliefs.

Believe you can conquer addictions without relapsing, without picking up and using/drinking again.

Be humble enough to ask for help. Too many people don’t want to bother others and they won’t bother them all the way to their deaths. It’s heartbreaking to see.

If one honestly looks at the world, the evidence for a Creator is all around. It’s undeniable. So, reach out to that Creator. Believe Creator put you here for a reason. You are not arbitrary. You are not an accident. Believe Creator wants your best and rely up on Him.

The Insidious Recovery Lie That Kills

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We lost another one in the local recovery community and it makes me angry. Another life needlessly cut short. Whether he believed this lie or not, I don’t know. I wasn’t close to this person. But I’ll guarantee you 100%, he heard it, and probably many times.

Every time I’ve heard this lie it’s made me cringe. I know it’s meant to comfort those who relapse, or go back out, or have a setback, or whatever sugar coated term you want to call it. It’s meant to give hope. But what it really does is set people up to die.

What’s the lie you ask? “Relapse is a part of recovery.” NO, PEOPLE, IT’S NOT!

Recovery is stepping into LIFE. When you pick up a drug (or alcohol, if you’re an alcoholic), it’s stepping into DEATH. Death is NOT a part of recovery. Death is the END of recovery. There are many people who recover who never relapse. RELAPSE IS NOT A PART OF RECOVERY!

When this lie is repeated in the recovery community, it lulls people into a false sense of security. “Well, since relapse is a part of recovery, I’ve probably got a couple of relapses in me and I’ll be okay. It’s okay if I pick up this one time and just go out for a little bit. I can always quit again.”

The truth is NO YOU CAN’T!

Yes, relapse happens. But, let’s call it what it really is. Relapse is choosing to play Russian roulette with your life by using a drug or alcohol. It’s a choice for death. It is not a recovery choice. It is not a part of recovery. Recovery brings life. Using a drug improperly brings death. Even if it’s not immediate physical death, it is death to your recovery.

Don’t get me wrong. I am NOT saying people cannot get back on the recovery road. They can. But only IF they are still alive. Dead people don’t recover.

People get a false sense of security, too, because they’ve used so many times and not died. They know so many other people who HAVE died, but they feel invincible because they’ve managed to skirt death… so far. Some have even been revived with Narcan and they’re counting on others to take care of that should they happen to overdose. It may not be a conscious thought, but it can be there in the subconscious as evidenced by their choices.

So, we need to be careful about having or promoting a false sense of security! No one takes a drug thinking they will die. Just the opposite! We need to be TERRIFIED of what using a drug can bring. We need to be TERRIFIED of what it can do to us and to our loved ones. We need to be so AFRAID of it we RUN the other way. We do whatever it takes to get away from it and stay away from it. Anything less is flirting with, and inviting, DEATH!

I know people don’t like to hear that truth, but truth is what saves lives. Lies take lives. Lies kill. Truth saves.

If you pick up a drug or alcohol, you’re taking a step toward death and you just might bring somebody with you. Somebody who’s in your car when you get into a crash or maybe they’re in the other car. The death you bring may be your own, it may be someone you love, it could be a total stranger. It could be an adult or it could be a child.

PLEASE, STOP TELLING THE LIE!

STOP BELIEVING THE LIE!

CHOOSE LIFE! It’s the only way to truly recover.

If you read this or hear this message and you continue to tell the lie, you are responsible for contributing to death in the recovery community. If you continue to believe the lie, you might die.

I know that sounds harsh, but tell me what is harsher…this message or having to put someone’s body in the cold ground because that lie seeped into their subconsciousness?

ADDENDUM: Someone who read this wrote me the following:

I agree with what you sent me except one thing there’s different relapses there’s what’s called a mental relapse which is an urge craving or even a thought that could lead to a Full relapse and that’s when coping skills and support needs to be used people don’t just choose to go out and use out of nowhere they have a mental relapse and urge or cravings or a thought like f this or I’d feel better if I was high and those are called mental relapse and I think that’s where the statement relapse is part of recovery gets misinterpreted but I do like what I read

Here are my thoughts about what this recovery friend wrote:

While it is a normal part of recovery to have an urge and to have thoughts of using, it is NOT the same as using and I think it is dangerous to call BOTH a relapse. It is for the very reason that these relapses get misinterpreted that there needs to be a clear distinction between what IS a normal part of recovery–an urge or thoughts of using–and what is NOT–picking up and using. I can’t count the number of times I have heard someone being told after they went out that “It’s ok. Relapse is a normal part of recovery.”

Using the word relapse for both those things is conflating using and not using. We humans go to great lengths to justify what we want to do. It is a very short step from thinking “if the mental (not using) relapse is normal for recovery, the other is also. After all, relapse is relapse, whether it is mental or physical.” I know that is where the justifying mind so easily takes us.

One is part of the process of healing and moving into life. The other is running and a step toward death. Call it “prerelapse”, or “being on the road to relapse”, or some other term, but PLEASE DON’T call it relapse!

If you believe changing terminology is working, think about this. A brain that is still in the effects and after effects of drugs is not going to see the finer points of distinction. The differences must be radically clear, especially to those who are still in thick of the battle. One is the healing process. One is relapse. The healing process is NOT using. A relapse IS using.

This is life and death. I understand trying to use semantics to soften things for the sake of ego and self esteem, but if that is putting a stumbling block in their path (I am fully confident it is), it is imperative we remove that block. Let’s stop trying to make things sound nicer. Instead, let’s face the ugly reality of addiction. Let’s get out there and save lives with the TRUTH.

Picking up and using a drug is NOT part of recovery and it KILLS too many bright lights in our communities.

Feel free to comment below. You should be able to do so anonymously. This is a conversation the recovery community desperately needs to have.

My Story… the Very Short Version

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This is the short quick bio. In other posts, I will tell the more detailed story of my journey.

I was married and using drugs and alcohol with my first husband. It didn’t start out that way, but I naively thought marrying a former addict was not going to be a problem. Over time, I got pulled into that world and off we went.

Eventually, with the help of G-D, I got off drugs and later stopped drinking. But I didn’t stop drinking because I thought I had a problem. Nope. It was an attempt to manipulate him into stopping drugs and drinking. I white knuckled it, but was in denial the whole time.

Not long after, it was suggested I go to a non-Intergroup meeting of alcoholics and addicts called “Prodigals”. He was sure I would be welcomed to join from an Al-Anon perspective. Prodigals became my home group. We all went to our respective Intergroup meetings, too.

After 4.5 years in Prodigals and around 5 years off alcohol, I picked up a drink. That started me on a whole other aspect of recovery as I came face to face with my denial and my alcoholism.

As of this writing, I have 29 years sober and more years off drugs. My sobriety date is March 4, 1991.

This time of year

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I’ve been thinking about Christmas. Personally, I don’t celebrate Messiah Yeshua/Christ Jesus’ birthday on December 25th. Now, don’t assume you know where I am going with this. Hear me out. These are just my thoughts and I certainly do not judge anyone who thinks/believes differently than I.

This post is not about the very controversial origins and history of Christmas and all the various ways it is celebrated. It is not about how it has even been banned by Christians many times. There’s plenty of information out there for those who want to know more about that.

This post is about what I DO celebrate and when.

Rather than celebrating His birth, I choose to celebrate His whole life and the very fact He actually came and what He did for all of us who choose to accept it. Of course, His birth is a part of that, but I don’t really single out a day for just His birth.

I celebrate His coming every day I wake up and thank my heavenly Abba/Father for another day.

I celebrate Him every time I think about eternity and feel gratitude for how Yeshua made a way for me to spend it with Him and Abba and the Ruach/Spirit.

I celebrate Him every day as I look back over the many times He has shown me (and all of us) mercy.

I celebrate Him every time I think of the various ways He has provided for us when there just seemed to be no way.

I celebrate Him every time I keep one of His feasts from the Bible, each one of which is a prophetic picture of Him.

I celebrate Him every time I keep His commands.

I celebrate Him every time the Ruach gives me some insight into YHWH’s character through His Word and His commands.

With every breath I take and every step I walk, I celebrate Him. Without Him I would not be here. I would not be alive or functioning. I am a walking miracle–all because of YHWH and what Yeshua did for us all.

It is my prayer that you will seriously think about what you are celebrating and whether how you are celebrating actually brings glory and honor to Yeshua.

That is where my heart is. Again, I am not here to judge anyone. Lord knows I am deserving of judgment myself in many areas of my life. I am simply sharing my perspective and I pray you will remember His coming and why He came every day of your life!

Also, one of the most amazing gifts I have been given is the ability to celebrate anything and everything without using a mind-altering substance. I am able to live in the moment, savoring every minute of being with family and friends and God. What a huge blessing! I hope you have that blessing, too!

What are we living for?

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One day slips into night and into another day.
How did we spend the last 24 hours?
Did we seek to honor YHWH today?
Did we spend time with our heavenly Abba?
Did we learn from the Ruach Qodesh/Holy Spirit?
Did we follow Yeshua our Warrior Shepherd King?
Did we love those around us?
Did we tell them?
Who and what did we live for?
How will we spend the next 24 hours?
Whatever we do, if it is not founded on love, has value only now in this world.
Whatever we do out of love for God and for our fellows, will bless for eternity.
Where is my treasure?
Do I do what I do for the treasure?
Or do I do what I do to please the One I love so much and it just so happens it results in treasure?
My greatest treasure is my relationship with YHWH.
That is the treasure I am laying up for myself in heaven.
It is the treasure of loving Him and loving others.
It is the blessing and treasure of walking in His ways and living in faith.
How about you?

What Is Real Love?

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This is what is on my mind this beautiful morning.

There is a saying that goes like this:
We are all entitled to our own opinions. We are NOT entitled to our own “facts”.

I see all around me the ramifications of people not being careful to speak precisely. They make sweeping judgments, painting nations and people groups with a broad brush when only individuals can do anything. Only individuals can make choices or take actions.

Yes, they can come together into a group, but each one had to choose to join that group and to do whatever they are doing. As individuals, they can join, they can participate, they can disagree, they can leave, and so on.

We need to be accurate with our words because there are those who will take them and run with them. They will use them against us and/or against others. This is especially the case in this day and age when people are afraid to think for themselves or go against what they “believe” (because they are told) is the majority (read “correct”) opinion.

This is how people who should be united become divided. Someone comes in saying “those people” (insinuating it is all of a group) are this way or that way. We need to be careful.

Every single people group, ethnicity, country, religion, etc. has individuals in them who do not all think or believe the same. They do not all act in the same way.

So, let’s focus on individual people.

Lift up the good ones for what they do. Point out the bad ones ONLY if necessary, (as in, will it save someone’s life?) If it is not a life saving measure, leave it alone. There is no need to say anything. But DO lift up the good ones. We all need encouragement and to see the good in the world around us.

I hope everyone has a good day and finds those good people they can lift up.

Real love looks for the best in people, not the worst.

33 Years

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Not only am I a walking miracle who shouldn’t be alive or sane (although some may question just how sane I actually am 😂), I am blessed to have 33 years clean and sober by the grace the one true living God YHWH and Messiah Yeshua/Jesus.

There are some in the spiritual realm who are not very happy about this. But there are many more in the spiritual realm who are rejoicing with me, as is my recovery community/family.

This pictures aren’t the best. But they’ll do.

I am blessed beyond measure and this is just one of many ways!

My Tricky Addictive Mind

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I recently wrote here about my discovery of having a crutch I did not know was a crutch. Oh, what a tricky thing the addictive mind is. I have since learned more.

I was talking with a clinician about this recently and shared with her how the thoughts of asking my doctor to re-prescribe the Xanax had gone through my mind, but I decided I did not want to do that. It did not feel right and, besides, I HAD gone all those years without using it. I HAD managed to tough my way through life and triggers. So, why get it back?

In that conversation, we talked about the difference between the doctor suggesting something and me actually asking for it. That difference may not seem significant to a non-addictive mind, but it is very significant to someone with one. Now, instead of being a suggestion it would be a request. It is difficult to explain, but I feel the difference inside. Perhaps someone else with an addictive mind can give their thoughts in the comments. I would love to hear them.

But wait! There’s more! After that conversation, my mind kept working. And this is how the addictive mind works.

I could go to the doctor and explain how much letting go of the prescription impacted me. I could share my struggle with not having it available. He could then suggest that he prescribe it again. Ah…now it would be coming from him, right? Not from me? Whoa! Not so fast.

I am the one who would have manipulated him into suggesting it. It would not truly be only from him as it was decades ago from the original prescribing doctor. Since I have not had the Xanax discussion with him in about 15 years, he is not going to bring it up. It was his nurse that killed it, not him. He is not going to ask me how it’s going without it, especially if the nurse made a note that I had not been taking it anyway. The only way the subject would come up would be if it came from me. And, even if he did bring it up, he would be asking me, even if only subtly, if I wanted it back.

So, there you have it. There is no going back. Not unless some drastic change in my ability to cope comes about, which is possible since I am have started to embark on a journey into self-discovery with this clinician, a coach, a case manager, and a therapist. Things have been coming up and I am going to deal with them. So, yes, my ability to cope will most likely be stretched. But considering all I have already been through without having to take it, why should I start now?

It is clear I must be wary of my thinking processes. I must be wary of how my addictive mind would love to see me on a substance, especially a “respectable” and “legal” one. I admit I am struggling with this. But I am also determined NOT to go back! And with Creator’s help, I won’t.

All of Life Recovery

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There are many who think recovery is simply about abstinence. I am not one of them.

I see recovery as relating to all of my life. It does me little good if I remain abstinent, but have a chaotic, messy life otherwise. As I have heard so many times in recovery rooms… I did not stop substances/alcohol to be miserable. I want to live a full and vibrant life.

It is my desire to recover from all of the problematic things of my life. I have been through hell multiple times and I have no intention of going back there. So, I do what I need to do find healing and to thrive.

That can mean a lot of things. It can mean forgiving and being forgiven, helping others and being helped, giving and receiving, letting go and hanging on with all my strength. It means new coping skills. It also means loving myself and others.

In the center of everything is my relationship with Creator. As the Serenity Prayer suggests, I need the wisdom to know the difference between what I need to accept and what I must fight against. I need Creator’s power to change what I can and must and His serenity to accept those things I need to just let go.

With all of this comes freedom and strength. As I recover from all of life, I get the strength to gain the freedom to be the me I was meant to be. And I acquire the wisdom stay free.

Abstinence vs Sobriety

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For me, it is not enough to be merely abstinent from substances, including alcohol. If I am not a better person for being abstinent, then what’s the point? I’ve known people who are abstinent and they were just as mean and nasty and difficult to be around as when they were drinking or putting other substances in their bodies. No, being abstinent is not enough for me.

I want to live life to the fullest and, for me, that means not just cleaning my body of things that shouldn’t be in it, but also cleaning my heart and soul and mind of things that shouldn’t be in them. Do I have negative attitudes? Do I lack compassion? Am I selfish and stingy? Do I insist on my own way without compromising with others?

There are a lot of ways I can be merely abstinent and not truly sober and clean. My body can be in tip-top shape, with only the best and healthiest foods being put in it. I can exercise and bring my body to the best fitness it can be. But what am I doing for the rest of my being? For the rest of who I am?

Am I feeding the rest of me equally as well? Am I making sure my spirit, my soul, my mind are being fed as well as my body? Am I watching and listening to things that promote wrong attitudes and actions? Am I doing things that hurt others? Do I allow anger and bitterness and unforgiveness to live within me? How is that healthy or good? If I fail to share something I have that someone else needs what kind of person am I really?

No, for me mere abstinence is not enough. What about for you? Feel free to share in the comments below.

What about food?

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Having an addictive personality doesn’t just effect my attitude and lifestyle toward alcohol or drugs. It can encompass any area of my life. I used to be a compulsive eater to the point I had a subtle form of bulimia.

As a former compulsive eater, I have to be careful, which I have tried to do. But now I am finding my stress levels are climbing and I wonder if that is contributing to my increased eating of sugary things.

Back in November of 2018, I started logging my food and tracking how much I ate. Over a period of a year or so, I lost almost down to where I wanted to be. Then I got stuck. My weight went up and down, but stayed fairly low. Lately, I have been creeping up and am higher than I want to be, but still within a “normal” range…upper end.

My concern is not so much the weight. I fit in my clothes. My concern is that I am eating when I am not physically hungry and I feel as if I am not in good control. I wonder if I am doing emotional eating. I think I am and it isn’t hard to figure out why.

I have noticed I am having snippets of flashbacks. It has increased lately. I am also scheduled to meet with a woman for help processing what is happening in my life currently and what has happened in the past. I am very nervous…not about sharing, but about scaring her off. She works with victims of domestic violence and has heard my story. Still, I am nervous. I believe that may be at least part of what is driving the eating. I am not sure if the flashbacks are driving me to get help or if my need for help is driving me to having flashbacks.

I did have a scare recently which is what triggered my reaching out for help. It took a couple of weeks to get it together and I have been on pins and needles since. Life is definitely interesting and we will see how this turns out on Friday. It may be time to switch blogs.