Funny – Views Splash!

… On the road #1

You got to ride a bike wearing loose pants?
Better wear good socks to go with your shoes!

For all those who are still persevering with the pingback links from the Daily Prompt… HATS OFF TO YOU! TAKE A BOW from a lower man, for I’m done with them unless really necessary or if I write for a prompt and it needs a link back.

For all those who do it, I guarantee that I will like your post unconditionally for you’ve really gone through some effort to pull those links from the source code of the page of the Daily Post and make them look really nice in your post.

Happy PingBack’ing!

Take Care!

Mathematics Riddle

A mother is 21 years older to her son. Six years later, the mother will be 5 times the age of her son.

Tell me what is the father of the said child doing now?

For all of you professors and teachers, just a FYI – this is total mathematics! It’s simply 2 equations to resolve 2 variables denoting the ages of the mother and the child.

Please don’t let your hatred for mathematics bar you from solving this one, IT’S FUN!

I Smell People-ish

My dad arrived home today. He’s come to say goodbye to the sixth member of our family who leaves for US tomorrow! Sounds so hunky dory, doesn’t it?

But, I killed it for myself. I’m running low on cash these days, for a lot of travelling and health bills were torn against my name this month. So instead of taking the more expensive option of auto rickshaw, I decided to use the Delhi Metro to reach the New Delhi railway station and help dad deal with the luggage that he was carrying. Well it wasn’t as heavy as I’d expected but it sure was difficult bringing it up to the 2nd floor of my house.

So, DELHI METRO! The pride and joy of Delhi. The only project in India that’s actually making profit. The guys worked really hard and it shows. Terrific infrastructure and great maintenance. Something though, didn’t feel very right yesterday. As I gathered myself from slumber, and walked to the platform, there were huge groups of people waiting to board the metro. Something was wrong!

The metro arrived packed to its capacity and yet around 20 of us managed to find a place to stand with people’s armpits on my nose and my armpits on someone elses and what not! Ugghhhh!

Now to make matters worse, there are close to 15 metro stations between the station that I boarded and the New Delhi railway station. Each time the door opened for passengers, when 2 left, 4 boarded. I had my headphones plugged in though and people weren’t really bothering me, just that I knew how I’d smell like after I got down from the train. People inside just kept making space out of nowhere and people from outside kept boarding till the last inches were used up. And then some more came in!

Then a scuffle stirred up. A police constable standing right in front of me and next to the door, tried to stop passengers from getting in, for there was absolutely no space left in the coach. The counter argument from the outside was – “You get down as you are the public servant” and they started pulling out the constable nearly tearing off the sleeves from his shirt. The constable though had nowhere to go, for he was stuck inside just like all of us were, and so they even couldn’t pull him out, such was the agony we were all going through!

To be honest, I was enjoying this. This misery that people decide to put themselves through everyday, made me feel proud of what I had achieved in life and how my resolution to never put up with this kind of life always put me in a better place. I made a resolution very early in my struggling days that I’ll never use public transport for two reasons –

1. Those places are very vulnerable and I have too much to do in life than die in an accident or a bomb blast.

2. They are very risky, for Indians in general treat public transport like the transport system owes them something once they’ve paid for the ticket. What they don’t think of is, these are the same buses and trains they may need to take everyday for the rest of their freaking lives, and they are all responsible for its upkeep and smooth operations. But once they stop respecting the means, the means stop respecting them and so they start crumbling, till they are at the point of breaking and that’s when public transport becomes a danger. Case in point, was the taxi that we boarded, once my family members had arrived. That taxi sounded awful and when it started to move, I felt the wheels coming off every time we made a left turn!

Now back to the Metro. We were about to reach the largest station among all metro stations – Rajiv Chowk. Rumors started flying that the train will be half empty by the time we leave this station, and sadly ALL the passengers along with me were eagerly waiting for this miracle to happen, quite badly! And like all stories that don’t have a happy ending, luck didn’t favor me this time! No one got down and still some more found a way to get in. The next station was where I was to unboard. This was real tricky. For once in my life, I had to handle people subtly and that I did. I started cracking mean jokes that made people laugh and in between, I’d ask them to make some space to let me reach the door, so I don’t miss my drop station caught up in this hell hole. And I made it, just not on my feet though. The moment the door opened, I (125 kgs) was picked up in the air and helped down right next to a pillar. I have absolutely no freaking clue how or what happened. I just counted my lucky stars for the night, checked my wallet and my watch, and started to walk to the railway station.

This was one hell of a ride, and I’m never travelling in a Metro again. what’s tha God awful smell? Wait, I smelled ‘PEOPLE-ISH’!

I am Exhibit D!

I ain’t a judge! Of whatever that I do judge though, I’m pretty bad at it and so, I’ll just limit today’s daily prompt to just myself. The prompt takes me to a question that I’ve asked myself a countless times before – why can’t I be friends with any human being at all?

I see a million others so cool at befriending others. They are like butter over a hot pan, all over you before you know it! They take control of your brain, have your attention at full throttle – you’re spellbound! They are sweet talkers, there’s nothing foul about their language, and there’s always an amazing contagious electric energy in their eyes and expressions. They just can’t lay low! They have jokes at their beck and call all the time. They look so colorful, they blind you with their shine. They never let that unknown fad of a smile on your face to ever fade. They’ll jump off their bums at the slightest hint of a joke. Sarcasm holds no meaning for these losers for they don’t have enough brains to understand it. Lets call them exhibit A!

Then there are million others who are sympathizing with you before you even tell them what you’re so upset about. They are your ray of light in darkness. They appear out of nowhere, lend you a shoulder or a coffee when you need it the most. These have a halo on their head or multiple ones depending on how deep your feet are stuck. They are that one branch hanging right at the reach of your outstretched hands when you are sinking in a quicksand. They have solutions at their beck and call – some realizable and some not, but you’re trapped. Trapped under the weight of their soft tone, that feather light touch on your shoulders that makes you theirs to own. They are the handkerchiefs to your tears. Lets call them exhibit B!

Now how do you relate the 2 exhibits A and B? By listing what they have in common –

1. They are forever willing to extend a hand.

2. They aren’t shy to utter those words when they matter.

3. They lend you a twinkle in your eyes, even when it’s only time limited.

4. Most of them are good-natured.

5. They talk good on your face.

Lets now talk about exhibit C –

They are unknown. They don’t talk. They simply observe till they think it’s time for them to jump on the throttle. Now what’s wrong with this behavior is – by the time, they take the reigns of the situation in their hands, it’s already handed over to someone else. They notice the failure and when this happens a couple more times and they realize that life’s a bitch, they turn into exhibit D – the passive ones. They give a rat’s ass to what or who you are. Their purpose of existence on the crude soil of this planet simplifies to pleasuring themselves. They are the loners. They can have all the fun in a party in which they are the only guest.

Yes, I’m exhibit D where D stands for – Dreary, Dysfunctional, Dodgy, Desolate, Defiant, Disdainful, Discreet, Distraught, and Dynamic.

For me, the very existence of people on this planet is uncalled for. They don’t deserve their places beside me. And if they do, then please do whatever you want to, at the other side of this planet, so there are 50% lesser chances of me ever meeting you. Yes, I’m exhibit D for I am not as buttery as exhibit A, balming as exhibit B, and I’m way past exhibit C.

No wonder I have no friends other than the ones I’ve cared to mention before in some posts.

Lets see how others befriend others –

Something’s Burning

It won’t be long before you know what burned today!

I woke up dazed today. Had no control of my senses or my abilities. Forcing myself off the bed, the only thing I remember doing was curse my office. Anyways I woke up, got ready with a new ironed shirt and all (don’t know who do I keep trying to impress, when the beauty stock in my office stands at zilch), fed the dog and zoomed on my bike to my office. There was no traffic and I reached my office in 15 minutes flat i.e. 1 km every minute. This didn’t ring a bell inside my brain-dead head.

Parking was empty and I thought “What a great Tuesday! I’m here before my boss!”. Yeah, you moron, ofcourse you are! The lift too zoomed without a stop to the top floor of the building. The lights were off. I saw no one. The clock had finally started ticking inside and the brain just started to wake up when I opened my mouth and asked the security guard – “Is it a holiday today?”.

The moment he started to smile, I knew I had missed an email yesterday. He simply replied – “Sir, don’t you know it? Mail was sent twice yesterday”. Not only was he smiling but I probably even saw him asking me – “Sir, is something burning?”.

You can now probably guess, what was burning then! Not only did I wake up early on a holiday, I’ll be the protagonist in most of the jokes in office tomorrow! I still have the morning headache which only gets worse when I think about how lost I’ve been lately!

Damn!

Veinous Thrombosis and Embarrassment

Veinous Thrombosis! Rings a bell? It didn’t to me. I first heard it when I visited the hospital on Thursday.

It was one of those visits when I realized, right before entering the doctors chamber, what I’d been doing wrong for a long time. A wrong sitting posture and remaining seated for a prolonged period. When the doctor held my left calf, I knew what he was looking for. He was just brilliant and trust me, I somehow knew what he was going after – after I had explained my problem.

The problem started to occur last August when I slid down 10 stairs on a slick rainy day, like a bum on my bum and kept sliding till I hit a dry spot. Not only did I hurt my back pretty bad, it left a lot of bruises nearly everywhere on my backside. I did recover fast but the problems have started to recur and they make it pretty difficult to walk or be athletic, the ways that the burly me can be.

So the doctor held my calf and told me that the entire area is swollen pretty bad and feels very stiff too. He also noticed the blue marks of clots that had magically appeared during the last few months and ached like hell. As I hate spending money on my sickness, I had tried a few cheaper medical cures myself for past 5 months or so, that included painkillers and muscle gels. But nothing had worked and nothing could have. The doctor told us that an ultrasound was required of the said leg for any clots that may be preventing proper blood flow in my veins.

So a few hours later, there I was in the radiology room, with a very young nurse staring at me. Let me make this situation very clear to all of you. I have gotten my pants down in a hospital before but each time, the nurse was a lot older to me and with whom I felt no hitch doing so. But this time, the nurse was very young, around 10 years younger to me and somehow she was rather amused at my inability to bring my pants down in front of her. So, she looks at my face and tells me to remove the jeans off from the left leg! Now how the fuck am I supposed to accomplish that – remove the jeans just from the left leg? I looked around, sat and thought about it for a while but couldn’t figure it out. So I asked her if she meant I have to remove the jeans completely and she said (still giggling) – Yes Sir!

I did so and there I was laying on the steel frame , with goo all over my leg and a man touching the what nots!!! That was so damn embarrassing! Yet I still have no clue what was amusing her so much to keep giggling for the next 45 minutes of my examination. I felt I had committed a crime and that totally sucked! Man I was furious and the fuckiest part was – I couldn’t do a shit about it!

Anyways the good news, that puts a smile back on is, ultrasounds came clean and there are 90% chances that there is nothing to worry about. I’m on medication now, special sitting positions for relaxing the leg, no exertions and no pressing of the calf. And the limp continues till the pain subsides!

P.S. – Not attaching any image as they were too gross to display on this blog!

Bed Talks

What an apt day for this prompt! I was looking to vent out something that happened last night and here cometh the daily prompt!

Wifey left again to visit her parents and her in-laws (my parents) today. I’m alone for next 15 days again but we had a bedtime conversation going after a long time yesterday. Ever since she returned, she was puzzled by my new found love for writing. Actually she’s right to feel this way as nothing comes so easy to me. I procrastinate to levels not known to ordinary humans. I put things off simply because I don’t feel my toes are working perfectly (just a case in point).

We went out to dinner the night she returned, I bought her gifts and we started talking about her experience and when she paused for water, mine too! She had apparently been following my blog from where she was, had grown a bit fond of it. Not delving into how she fared during her vacation, I can tell you what she told me about the results of my break – “You’ve really chilled. You don’t look frazzled. There’s a calmness over you which is helping me wind down too!”.

Then last night, she told me about a demon that she’s been feeding for last 27 years. And I’m thinking how the hell did I miss this about her? Then again, life hasn’t been all hunky dory lately so missing a detail isn’t that big an issue for both of us! She told me how, she has always wanted to emulate a colonel friend of her grand father whom she met when she was just 3. She met him only 3-4 times but considered him as more of her grand father than her actual one (this must really hurt a soul I tell you) and all because he taught her how to carry herself and how to talk to others and things most parents miss these days (ironically her parents missed it too).

Now how does all this relate to today’s prompt? An artist, per me, is someone who elicits responses untold to many a soul themselves. He puts out something that prompts others to empty their own souls when all the while he is himself just emptying his own. Am I an artist?I’m no artist. For I’m no writer (I’m trying to be but am far far away from it), I’m no singer, I’m no player but yet I could, with my demeanor, elicit a response, a thought from my soul mate that she was prepared to hide until told otherwise. I felt proud. I had never had such a deep discussion with her, and she didn’t mind not sleeping at all last night, for she felt light!

Yes, writing is my art, not perfect yet but it’ll do till I can keep my soul mate honest and open with me. I can now see why she always pushed me to get into a different line along with my current industry. Something creative that brought out the good in me. She told me, the way I am today, I can never get someone to like me even if I wanted it the hardest. They’ll never understand me for I’ve built a fort around me and I don’t let anyone in. Trust me people – she’s made her way in already, she just doesn’t know it yet!

Let’s find out the arts of others –

Green Eyed Monster

Green Eyed Lady? Me? You? Who?

Damn, this prompt is so easy I’d have answered it in my sleep.

No man ever came close to making me think so. No woman except her ever could! Oh and how she makes you feel so miserable and on your knees all the time, you are crawling, crawling forever, with a craving the size of a dinosaur (or the largest mammal ever whoever that is, think it’s the blue whale) inside your heart. You owe your entire world to her when she hasn’t done anything but moved a tiny single grain of sand in your life. You still are what you forever were, just more miserable. You look like a fool, with that loser expression that says,”You ain’t worth a shit without her”! She turns you into that one “Green Eyed Monster“!

Yes, the one that gives me a green eye, the one, the only one that makes me think “I wish I was not me” is – my wife!

She has a way of living life that can make most husbands jealous and all of you gents (married or unmarried), you can say thanks to your dear lords that she isn’t your wife and all this misery was personally handed to me by her father!

She has a way of living life, way that I can only probably write about. I can always experience it from her but never live it myself, so pre-occupied with the shit of the world that I am. She is free in her head. No rules hold any meaning to her unless explained and she be satisfied. Rules bind her spirit. Rules kill her instinct. She learns like only she can.

I so wish I was her, free from the world. Living her own dream. The world works just for her making us her tools. Her notions are different. She is very emotional, but strong. I am emotional too but I just don’t know how to handle it, so I hide it, somewhere safe in the corner of my brain, so I never come across as weak. Only she knows it and my family too but I’m not too sure about them.

She has clarity in thoughts like a crystal, some of us only dream of having it. I just so wish I will someday explain my world to her, the way she has made hers, very evident! Till then, hell yeah and down right “JEALOUS”!

Subjects in Distress

“My History with Mathematics is rather Shambolic,

The marks in Physics were always Economic.

The Chemistry between me and Biology scored NADA,

Machines took me close to Paranoia.

English, the only class that drew attention,

Lacked sumption.

Digital Circuits don’t deserve a mention,

Analog Circuits – mystery of the tron (electron and proton).

Computer Science was the only solace,

The teacher though, never liked my face.

Could never speak in a viva,

Sanskrit filled my mouth with saliva.

Hindi, for it is my mother tongue,

Handed me marks in a pump.”

————******————

It’s quite ironic that no education system teaches us how to use the tools of life when it’s life that turns out as the best teacher, mentor and guide for the rest of your life. Even more ironic and rather sad is, none of the skills I learned in my school or college are helping me make my living. Nothing helps except humanity and respect. Rest all are mere tools of survival against aliens, angry animals and foolish humans.

I am a subject in distress and I need lessons after 19 years of education. Nothing is more ironic!

Lets find out the most hated subjects –

Best Moment Award

“Awarding the people who live in the moment,
The noble who write and capture the best in life,
The bold who reminded us what really mattered…
Savoring the experience of quality time.”

My heartiest thanks to Mimi at psychologistmimi for reading my posts and appreciating them.

RULES:

Winners re-post this completely with their acceptance speech. This could be written or video recorded.
Winners have the privilege of awarding the next awardees! The re-post should include a NEW set of people/blogs worthy of the award; and winners notify them of the great news.

RESOURCES:

What makes a good acceptance speech?
- Gratitude – Thank the people who helped you along the way
- Humor – Keep us entertained and smiling
- Inspiration – Make your story touch our lives
Get an idea from the great acceptance speeches, compiled in MomentMatters.com/Speech
Display the award’s badge on your blog/website, downloadable in MomentMatters.com/Award

ACCEPTANCE SPEECH:

Man, an acceptance speech! It feels like I’m standing at the Oscar’s holding that naked dancer in my hands, looking at it lovingly, and croaking my throat to clear the cough. And I say –

This one’s for a dream (tone raising). A dream of acceptance, love, freedom of expression, and values that we all so adore (tone softening). I dedicate this award to a million souls out there living each of their moments, only to never be able to express them. This should serve as an inspiration to open up, speak up, wake up and write – be it a pen, a typewriter, a stylus or a keyboard! I dedicate this to my past that I so love and yet hate equally. I wish I can erase the bitter ones by getting them out of me and here. This one’s to all of you who’ve given me some of all that I wanted. I want it more. I’m just flexing my muscles.

NOMINATIONS:

I nominate the following people for I love their work, the way they go about it day in and day out, making each moment count –

(Trust me I follow around a 1000 blogs, try to keep up with each of them everyday, I know of so much quality and it makes me feel so puny and yet here I am going to judge and present a mere few out of 1000… people I’m going to make it up to you all!)

Prayer

Where’s the traction tonight? On the work floor?

Man you people have a real creepy habit of getting me tensed about my readership! I’m telling you all straight and there’s no better way to say this – visit me, read me and thus, FEED ME! Nothing makes my day better than you. Hit me, bite me, shake me but never dupe me! BE RIGHT HERE. I don’t care if it’s spring and you have to go out in the sun after an eternity. You have your exceedingly capable gadgets to keep me with you, so KEEP ME WITH YOU!

But please don’t, and I really mean it, please don’t ever abandon me! You are my treasure, one that I’ve earned over a long time and I really value you!

Be there… PLEASE!

P.S. – For how many of you, is this the prayer every night, before you’re off to bed?

How Not To Suffer

Well me being down won’t actually be the way women get down, for you know, I’m a man and us men don’t have to go through the mood cycles of the women for those 5 dreaded days of the month. But us men, we are brought down by a lot of other things like serious atrocities to the way we function, learn, and go about our life in general. An unhindered path is what we all seek, ain’t it?

Yet it doesn’t really beckon, does it? So I sing! Yes this hoarse of a throat squeals out the most dreaded sounds ever heard by mankind. I’ve also practiced the most essential art of all – to not give a single fuck to anyone not minding his own business and interfering with mine. It took me long years to get to where I am with my screwed up brain, but I guess it bodes well for me that I always have the company of my mind. It keeps me occupied. I look forward to every screwed up idea it comes up with but what I like the most about it is – how funny it is! It has the most amazing gift to see the funny side of life. Not that I laugh a lot though. The facial muscles on my face, you see, have gained a lot of weight and are very lazy to supply any expression. So all I do is HA HA HA and yet I look like I’m watching a train coming to hit me.

So sing. Yes go to that bathroom, take a long hot shower, and clear your throat. Don’t mind the neighbors for they are fools. They don’t know you and they never will. All you got to care about is, your peace of my mind. Just close your eyes while taking that shower and all the while that you sing – plan your next move to avenge your defeat. Nothing will seem clearer. Some will call it day dreaming but trust me – it isn’t. So DON’T EVER FORGET TO SING!

Also try to take a shit. You know invariably when I’m confused, I head to my place of zen – the toilet. It’s as if I watch 2 and 2 make 4 for the first time. You get brilliant ideas when you’re there. TRUST MY EXPERIENCE FELLAS!

Basically when all the filth in and on your body is gone, you’ll find that all the tension that your bore for those last 10 minutes, was worthless. Leave all your tension and problems at the site of the event. Carrying that burden only makes you heavier, lonelier, and inattentive. Concentrate on the next task!

Man I made it sound so much easier, didn’t I?

And all this comes from a man who has cried his whole life carrying the worst shit ever and never being able to take it out from inside of his brain! Yeah, I’ve suffered and only a true sufferer can answer you the best on “How Not to Suffer“!

Lets find out how others do it –

That Stupid Smile

How many of you have ever noticed a smile on your face and you thought how is it there and for how long?

Yes it’s that smile I’m talking about – one that keeps building on and on for a few minutes until somebody makes you realize that you have opened your mouth wide enough to eat a donut – whole!

Yes, it’s that smile that makes you feel the true elation and the realization rolls a blush over your cheeks, turning them pink or red! It happened today while I watched the trailer of ‘The Amazing Spiderman – 2’!

Let me tell you that it’s hot and exciting. I find Andrew Garfield, an extremely talented actor and him along with the gorgeous Emma Stone make for a perfect couple in the movie. To make it clear, I loved ‘The Amazing Spiderman’ way much more than I liked any one of the earlier Spiderman movies. The energy that the new Spiderman exhibits is exhilarating and absolutely contagious. And that it has another one of my most favorite actors, Jamie Foxx as the antagonist, makes this movie all the more dear to me!

I wish that I watch the movie the very first day of its release. See if this wish comes true!

Let’s find out what others have wished for –

Bitten

Yeah I’m bitten. I have a secret love bug that bites my ass each time I see a beautiful woman. It’s true, so true that you can see me scratch a cheek that very moment – yeah yeah, that shy dirty way, swaying my head away so no one notices me! I have a nasty habit of staring at things that grab my attention and that includes women. I see them till I’ve noted everything. Nope not in a bad way at all, in fact, as my wife will tell you now, it’s in my nature to seek details – whichever sense they entail.

Homing in on 5 years of marriage and it still holds true. I’ve never stopped staring at women, I guess I never will. What has changed though, is the women don’t change now, they’re none but one, she’s the one and only one – my wife. She doesn’t mind me doing any of the rotten stuff that I do, except the real disgusting ones, for she is my center of attraction all the time and oh how she loves attention!

Not that I went anywhere but home when I was single, but then it was sheer habit. After marriage though, it isn’t any habit, but her that I come home for. Such is the hurry, colleagues hardly see me in office after 7. Straight, without a thought, at the gate, honk, shrek barks, and I see her as I enter my home, all fresh, smelling flowers or strawberries, turns all of that shitty day right around – trust me!

I’ve also noticed that I fall head over heels for women with power, in any form. And she’s nothing but power. Power to attract, power to charm, power to talk, power to love, power, power, power!

I’ll let you in on a secret, shhh, quiet down, yes you, the one munching, else she’ll hear me – I do really weird stuff to grab her attention. I think she doesn’t know it yet or she does and I’m the fool again, but the point is, I often throw tantrums just to grab her attention, her eyes as she walks by, as she cooks, as she watches TV.

I love you baby – although I have no clue what love is. I just hope it never changes!

Lets find who amore for whom –

Welcome Brothers

Okay… I don’t normally do two posts for a prompt but today’s prompt has something charming and attractive about it. I thank daily prompt to actually make me do it as I’d been putting this topic off for about a month.

I don’t know how anyone of the three remembers me when I first met them, for I never cared and it’d never bother me but I’m sure I must have had my headphones on at full blast and I wouldn’t have liked their faces!

‘Chucker’ Anuj & ‘Fucker’ Mohan (College mates) –

I make you famous boys! Today our nicknames stand official – I did it!

In our first semester, Mohan and his compatriots from his state, sat and belonged to the front benches. I felt they were slow and he always had the knack of pretending ‘busy’ when he clearly wasn’t. If I’m not wrong, most will remember him the same way. He always looked helpless, a hostelite with a lot of friends but always on a lookout for a real one. He wasn’t easy to talk to but trust me – so wasn’t I!

Anuj however didn’t like warming the back benches but had to, for his local mates from Bhilai warmed those seats and he felt safe with them. He was always a follower. Supremely intelligent guy who lacked originality! We noticed each other a lot especially in our “Electrical” classes. There was always a tiff between me and his mates and he often looked bewildered.

I, on the other hand, was as usual, confused. A new place, new faces – of whom I liked none, a new smell, no pride, supreme pressure. I put a mask on without me even knowing about it, pretending like a cool buddy to everyone who showed the slightest interest, with interesting topics, funny anecdotes, and things that people could relate to. Till date I have no clue about my reputation in my college. At the end I did come out as a loser though.

Anyways back to the topic, we weren’t much friends in the first semester. I have no clue about the two of them but I definitely wasn’t any friends with anyone then – not even my roommate! I was scared to shit pieces of seniors – some of whom looked at me like I was a piece of kryptonite. They would scatter. Come second semester though, I started going out, roaming out a bit and it was this ease, that let these two pass my defense against douchebags. The earliest I can remember is us, seated together on the same bench laughing our asses off at some stupid joke. It was one of these jokes that landed us our first collective punishment, thus cementing our friendship. There was just no looking back then.

Regarding our nicknames though, ‘Chucker’ Anuj chucked while bowling, ‘Sucker’ Samir rhymed with ‘Chucker’ Anuj (I suck a lot too by the way) and ‘Fucker’ Mohan got it simply for a rhyme and no fault of his own.

‘Gittu’ Maddy (friends from our first noon together at Accenture) –

We never actually hit it off. I remember being scared shitless again for I had no results from college to even complete my joining formalities at Accenture. As I entered the banquet hall at some chic hotel, I saw hordes of girls flanking the stage but only a handful of boys seated at the back. I thought, they may have all gone for smoke or something but (as I later found out to my surprise) I was the last one in. We waited for the first break and for some reason, all the boys broke towards the loo. And all of us fitted the washroom. There was no male outside in the hall, and thus came into being (hold your breaths ‘literally’) – “Bathroom Bhar Ke Ladke (Guys that fit a bathroom)” – a term coined by Sir Maddy. We later formed a community on Orkut with the same name. When we headed for the lunch and met outside, I was alone when a pigeon shit all over my right shoulder and bugger there he was standing again laughing his ass off. And I became ‘KT’ that stands for ‘Kabootar Ki Tatti (Pigeons Poop)’ courtesy Maddy. He kept making fun of me and we all kept laughing (for once I didn’t mind it ‘coz my mind really wasn’t in it).

We started hanging out together for some reason appreciating each others company and tolerance to each other and here we are – best friends!

‘Gittu’ by the way means – very small – which goes well with his height!

Welcome Brothers – to my humble abode – Views Splash! –

Ode to My BFF

Oh boy! How many best friends do I have (see how syntactically incorrect this question is)? 1… 2… 3… See when you say “BEST” friend, you’re only supposed to have one, the best one (see how I’m pointing out the singular function here)! Ones who aren’t the best are the better ones.

So I have 3 better friends, all humans. If you morons are reading this (‘Chucker’ Anuj, ‘Fucker’ Mohan and ‘Gittu’ Maddy), ‘Sucker’ Samir says, you are my brothers and not just friends. You are people who own a part of my life. Cheers!

I ask though – do we talk only about people or are objects included? Well you see, it’s for me to decide and I chose an object as my best friend!

Who is a best friend?

Someone who’s there with you when you need him (or “it” in my case), someone to understand you when you are down, share your best moments, play pranks on you when you least expect it (I did “it” again), someone who takes you to your best place and shields you from bad influences, is ready to call your shots when you aren’t. Best friends don’t advise – look closely, they are your best advice. They stand by you when you are at your best taking on the world. Each day, every day! Do you ever need to keep your best friend close? No, for they always are.

OK! Enough of this shit. I can’t carry on with this philosophy. You see, I’m too closed and shut for the world for it’s liking, and when I need to take a peek into that world, I use my best friend – the ever reliable, my PC! A safe bet, always close, ready when you need it, my entertainment, my shield, my Achilles heels, my second love!

I talk to it, it talks back. Who the hell gives a damn to emotions? I don’t need them. It provides me with everything I need. It’s my bread and butter, my everyday learning, my escape to that perfect little corner of the house and office where I’m alone and left to my mind. It knows which songs cheer me up. It’s the answer to all my questions.

Me and my PC are best buddies for life.

How did I meet him? I had to drop a laptop from a sofa and break the screen to get a new PC, a gift from my brother so far but I promised to pay him back and I’m gonna pay him, someday. Be hopeful bro, the day shall arrive. 😉

Lets find out if others have funnier choices for their best friends –

5 People You Try Not To Hate

People_in_streets_of_Riga_by_Brotze_1-5

There are always a few people you try hard not to hate but end up hating them anyways. Well some of the boasters may say, I don’t hate anyone and love and all – please keep that blab to yourself. All of you hate someone and I happen to have a few people who you may hate knowingly or unknowingly (only for you to realize it now), if they are not exactly the likeable kind –

1. Your Boss –

I don’t think many will argue about this. Most bosses are hard asses who work you up everyday for a year only to leave you high and dry at the end of your appraisal cycle. But you can’t live without them for they are your paymasters, your wealth providers and the sore of many the eyes!

2. Your Maid –

Clean it this way. Cook it that way. Use lesser oil. Where the fuck is all my ration going? RATS!!! Yes, they can be a real pain in the ass for some of them just don’t want to give up using their own brains even when instructions are as simple as – “You don’t have to make my bed. Just leave it as it is. You waste a lot of time on silly stuff already. Try and hang clothes for drying. Dust the couches better. Just don’t make my bed!”. And what do you get the next day – clothes in the dryer, dirty couch and a made up bed. But you have live with them but no one else can do the rest of the work they do.

3. That Ass of a friend –

All of us have that friend that’ll pop into your home uninvited and you have to pretend to entertain them when all you want is to lie in your bed and watch TV or have sex or whatever. But they won’t leave. They have all the interesting topics on this planet to discuss right then. “You know what your neighbor was doing the other evening”, “I love your dog, you know. He doesn’t poop in your living room”! – right when you’d just kill for some alone time without that nagging voice. If you’ve gotta come in and waste my time, better pop in with whiskey or beer or you are totally uninvited – EVEN I NEED A PAST TIME! But you have to live with them, for they are invariably the ones with full LPG cooking gas cylinders when your own has emptied without a warning sign!

4. That Relative –

Relatives are forever a pain in the ass, leave some that are really cool and really know how to hang out, ones with your brain wave frequency. Rest all just shower gifts to show off their accumulated wealth, give rotten age-old advises, are pathetic when drunk and leave your house full of dirt for you can’t ask them to keep their shoes out the door! But you have to live with them for – you know – they are related to you through your parents!

5. That Store –

That grocery store that’ll lend you stuff so you may pay for it at the end of every month. That spoiler! It’s the greatest guilt and you hate it. You hate to go there but your feet just lose control and there you are – right in front of the cashier’s desk giving reasons about how you’ll pay for everything on the 30th and he just smiles! That Devil that keeps you hooked! But you’ve got to live with him, for they are the ones there are when all you have left with you is a smile!

Daily Prompt – Write Here, Write Now

A pair of curtains hangs freely, loose to make me feel the wind.

A refrigerator hums to life feeling the warmth in this chilly winter.

A portrait with 2 happy faces lies gathering dust.

A chair sits waiting for a sit.

A table lies waiting for a mop.

A dog sleeps giving a tough snoring competition to my neighbor.

A half full glass of juice waits to get sipped.

A television set shows crap.

I lie on my couch typing present tenses in a gloomy lonely home.

My wife calls me and lets me know of her excitement about her 2 dogs she has petted.

Headphones bang in my head killing the deafening silence.

A heart hums to meet another.

A clock ticks me into another day.

The refrigerator starts again and falls silent.

The TV is still dumb showing crap.

And I’ve had enough of this present tense that only reminds me of my past.

The way I see it – past is imperfect, present is tense and the future beckons.

Spitters

Spitters, Spitters, Spitters, how do you do it at home?

Where do you find corners in your house to waylay your bubble filled thick mucus? YUCK!

Do you know it stinks? Do you know it’s unhygienic and it doesn’t dry as easily as water does? It keeps collecting dirt and filth all over it and it stays there.

I don’t know about other countries, but in India, we eat paan (hindi) or tambulam pungi falam (sanskrit) and have a really filthy habit of spitting out it juices all around us or anywhere we find a corner, or on the road. It leaves red stains all over, makes the roads, corners, surroundings dirty and in my opinion, it should be made illegal to spit out paan in the open in India.

But whichever country, where do you spit at home? Do you hang around windows or doors or gardens or flower pots all the time or are you a hygienic person and carry a separate dustbin just for the purpose?

In any case, doesn’t it leave you with too much to do and make you cumbersome?

The ultimate question is – WHY SPIT AT ALL? I DON’T AND I’M STILL ALIVE!

Category: Funny

… On the road #1

Ping Backs

Mathematics Riddle

I Smell People-ish

I am Exhibit D!

Something’s Burning

Veinous Thrombosis and Embarrassment

Bed Talks

Green Eyed Monster

Subjects in Distress

Best Moment Award

Best Moment Award

Prayer

How Not To Suffer

That Stupid Smile

Bitten

Welcome Brothers

Ode to My BFF

5 People You Try Not To Hate

Daily Prompt – Write Here, Write Now

Spitters

Dilbert – 12/31/2013

Dilbert – 12/30/2013

Dilbert – 12/29/2013

Dilbert – 12/28/2013

Dilbert – 12/27/2013

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