Parents

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The Brightest Star

I wrote this poem a few years ago for a very special daughter of one of my best friends after the children’s Christmas program at our church. She always had a way of putting life into perspective…

1982

The Brightest Star

A baby born to parents young,
just starting out in life.
She formed a bond of love so tight,
baby, husband, and wife.

All American family,
the world was at their hand.
They dreamed of trips, the three of them,
the ocean and the sand.

The doctors’ words were cruel and hard,
“She’ll never be like those
who run and play, who laugh and sing,
her kind we will dispose.”

Then love broke in their aching hearts,
for quiet answers lie
in Special babies God has blessed,
not the world’s reply.

While all the children shine like stars
on Christmas program night,
this special child the Lord did see
in her the brightest light.

For from her eyes God’s kingdom shines,
her silent lips proclaim,
to ‘sign’ the words from palm to palm,
His praises to exclaim.

Yet through the words she could not sing,
His love she longed to tell.
From palm to palm she ‘signed’ His name,
and Glory on her fell.

June 1984

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Was I really meant to be here?

Here’s that mood again. So tell me… what if a person was not meant to be born? How is their life justified? Does the life that was not meant to be actually have purpose?

Deep questions for a dreary rainy day.

I know a lot of babies these days are born outside the traditional home. I feel a sense of connection for those born out of wedlock. Do they use that word anymore? I don’t know. I guess it’s the new norm. It seems no one even knows what virginity is these days; maybe we never did. Every generation drifts farther and farther from that biblical “family unit” we were taught by our grandparents. I’ve read that the generations from the Millennials on down are more likely to live together than to get married, to risk getting divorced. I don’t agree (since statistics show otherwise), but I thoroughly understand.

So… Mom gets pregnant. Sometimes Dad stays; mostly he moves on. Sometimes we have two moms, and sometimes, two dads. Unfortunately, it seems there is no “norm” these days.

I sure do wish the “anything goes” philosophy was not accepted back in my day. Do the kids of today feel the awkwardness from being born as the result of a “non-biblical” situation? Has society evolved enough that no one cares?

I felt it… the rejection. In some ways, I still feel it.

The lies Satan whispers in my ear:

  • “My parents had to get married because of me.”
  • “Their hardships were my fault because I came too early.”
  • “Six months after our wedding? Oh no, our baby was early.”
  • “We’re so sorry we got pregnant, it was an accident.”
  • “You’re nothing but an embarrassment.”
  • “I see another zit…are you ever going to clear that thing up?”
  • “You’re just a fat whore!”
  • “So you survived those illnesses, surgeries, and accidents? Maybe the world would be better off if only…”

Oh yes, I’ve heard it all. The excuses, the cover-ups, the lies. What it boils down to is this: I wasn’t supposed to be here. Right? Maybe. But doesn’t God himself breathe life? If so, why did He breathe life into me if I was not to be? Would I not have survived those near-death experiences if I were not to be here?

Even if those closest to me whisper or shout those lies of Satan in my ears, my peace comes from knowing God’s sacrifice says I have value and purpose!

I wonder if my own experience is the basis for my deep pro-life stance. My empathy generates great passion for the unborn, unwanted, and unloved. What right do I have to life if another is aborted or abandoned? Why me and not another?

Sometimes… I really do wish I could take their place…

“Even though my mother or father rejected me, the Lord will accept me and adopt me as his own.” ~Psalm 27:10

“Although my father and my mother have abandoned me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child].”~Psalm 27:10 (AMP)

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**Highlights in color are links for more information.

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Another church debate?

And the church is now debating youth groups…

The newest movement in the church world today is the “Integration of the Congregation.” The concept is such that our kids are falling away, as argued in one of many circles, such as in this article, Charisma News, which discusses statistics showing youth groups are driving Christian teens to abandon the faith. The trend is leading the church to abandon their youth groups.

The debate seems to be about destructive peer pressure in church. The new thought process is that separating youth from parents in church waters down and annihilates any teaching of Godly principles, leaving youth abandoned to seek total downfall with their church peers. By integrating the youth with the adults, they will learn to become exemplary, well rounded, Christian grown-ups. In all the articles I’ve read on Family Integration, statistics and scripture references are used to back up this theory: Deuteronomy 16:9-14, Joshua 8:34-35, Ezra 10:1, 2 Chronicles 20:13, Nehemiah 12:43 and Joel 2:15-16… just to quote a few from the above article. But, if you look at these scriptures, they talk of feasts and assembly gatherings (you know… church), but do not mention youth groups. In fact, I don’t think anyone has found any scripture stating youth groups are not allowed. (Yet, the Bible doesn’t mention cigarettes either. Just sayin’!) One of the verses used by most pastors when it comes to family worship is Deuteronomy 6:4-7, which instructs fathers to teach the statutes to their children. Yes… the fathers to teach their children. So, is this proof we need to abolish youth groups and put everyone together?

And then…finally…here is a common sense article by Ed Stetzer debunking the theory that all youth groups are bad, posted in Christianity Today. It’s ironic; sometimes Ed Stetzer and Christianity Today can be somewhat liberal-leaning! Actually, Mr. Stetzer debunks the statistics used by arguments for the bad youth group theory. When the statistics are skewed, we are compelled to take another look at our theories. I am not at all against Family Integration, rather I am for it. But I am not against abolishing our youth groups either.

This post is obviously just my humble opinion… but my opinion is based on experience… from my own youth. You see, I had a drug problem. My parents dragged me to church every week! (Bet you haven’t heard that one before! LOL!) Seriously, that is about the one thing my parents did right. Part of my “testimony” is that I hated church… and youth group… from being a pretty messed up youth myself. I felt all the kids were either hypocrites or dorks. They were not the kind of kids I preferred to hang out with on a Friday night… and I didn’t. I partied. And partied. But that’s another story…

In spite of hating youth group…the Gospel got in.

It. Got. In.

And I came back. Not just to church. I came back to Jesus.

Yes, some of my most pivotal memories are of little words, verses, or phrases Ron or Lindell spoke here and there. And then, there are the Sunday school teachers (Lenny being my favorite) who put up with us one hour a week, speaking into our lives.

And the list goes on…

I’ve often wondered over the years how many of them thought they were wasting their time. How many of them thought I was a waste…

I wonder where I would be if the church my parents attended (quite by default due to my grandma) did not have a youth group. Would I have created less trouble for myself and others? Would I be here today? No, I don’t believe so.

Listening to the many comments in favor of abandoning youth groups, I hear a resounding argument that the youth would be naturally sitting at home on Daddy’s knee listening to him quote scripture every waking hour.

Maybe in a bubble.

Not in my family.

Not in today’s world.

Yes, we were a “Christian” family. We went to church. We talked the talk. But not once do I remember my dad leading in anything other than prayer before dinner on Sunday afternoon. Even if he wanted to, how could he? He was either on a ship somewhere or working 2nd shift during the week. Neither did his father nor his father before him. I don’t blame them; they were living as their fathers before them taught. They were doing the best they could. Our forefathers believed the way to show love to the family was to work and leave the teaching to Momma and the public schools.

Hey, Church! That’s the real world.

Yes, I gathered some instruction from my family. But when a teenager is “troubled,” their parent is the last person they will follow. That’s reality.

What would have happened if I did not have a youth group? Where else would I have gone for instruction? The very places that encouraged my self-destructive behavior to flourish: the world. Yes, the public school and, of course, my wild peers.

Now, they say times have changed. We watched a clip in church this morning interviewing several Millennials about their perception of the world and what it is like to be a Millennial Christian. Their words took me back to my own youth. You know what? Nothing has changed. Not really. As a child of the 60s & 70s, I had the same outlook…round peg in a square hole. I have a sneaky feeling teens have experienced the same moods since Adam & Eve. We can blame it on almost anything, but common sense says the human body changes and we grow up, during which time we search for purpose and value. We learn to choose between right and wrong, searching to fill the hole created by our own sin. That hole that only God can fill. Youth grow to adults, and in the process, we all seek to fit somewhere in society. Heck, even the disciples jockeyed for position…trying to “fit in.”

Youth of every millennium sought their place in adulthood. Where is the best place to navigate those roads? I believe both the family and youth groups are the answer. The best place is the place where they can find Jesus. If a teenager lived in a spiritually non-existent family, would they receive instruction outside of church? No. If a teen is in a spiritually non-existent church, would they receive instruction sitting in the pew next to their parents listening to the pastor? No. Are there churches with youth groups that are simply playtime? Yes. Are there families who are only “Christian” on Sundays? Yes.

As for the theory of separation, in most American churches, after “Sunday School” is over, when the kids are old enough to sit for a spell (older than toddler age), most of the teens are already sitting (integrated) in the church service… sometimes bored to death. But… the Holy Spirit can work years later to bring back God’s word to a broken heart. God’s word permeates into our deaf ears. And the “youth groups” that are in question? They almost always meet outside of Sunday morning services, such as a Sunday evening or mid-week night. Most active youth groups meet more than adult life groups! Would you rather your teens go to the parties I attended on the weekend or to a church youth event? I thought so. Are there “bad” activities going on during church events? Yes, sometimes… for we live in a fallen world. Are there “bad” activities going on during social, non-churched events? Of this, I can assure you, almost always.

I believe this whole argument boils down to… somebody just wanting to nitpick something to complain about!

If you want to “fix” our youth, abolishing the group is throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Preach to the fathers. Yes, instruct the fathers in how to teach their children. And in all reality, that may fail. Bad stats show somewhere around 50% in the church are divorced/single parent households, where it is more likely around 25-30%… which is still huge no matter how you look at the issue. Embrace those kids from dysfunctional families, as well as kids whose parents are unchurched. When the fathers are absent, create churches that will hire Youth Pastors and not Youth Directors. Train leaders who will teach Jesus in truth as well as love to kids. Create an atmosphere where youth have a safe place as they learn to break the parental apron strings and grow into adulthood.

Then, and only then, will you have an explosion of salvation in our youth culture…. our future!

God's Spirit will bring His word back to our hurting hearts!

God’s Spirit will bring His word back to our hurting hearts!

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**Highlights in color are links for more information.

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Your Daily Proverb ~ 18:17 (Did you hear the other side?)

“Any story sounds true until someone tells the other side and sets the record straight.” ~Proverbs 18:17 

~A wise one is never gullible. As the saying goes…don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see…no matter who it’s from.

When you hear a sob story, are you listening to an opinion or an account of actual events? How many relationships have been destroyed by gullible good people not verifying statements from trusted sources? We hear the hurt in their voices as they recount events that describe injustices done and we want to defend our loved ones & friends against the evil that has been inflicted on them. Why would we question their side of the issues? After all, they are our best friend, our teacher, our pastor, our mentor, our parent. Why would we question?

We question because we live in a fallible world. We are all one-sided human beings. We react and feel based on OUR own experiences. And just maybe, just maybe, they themselves do not know the other side.

We woke up to a bang outside our bedroom window a few weeks back. Big bangs are never a peaceful way to start the morning. It always means my coffee will be delayed. Not good. :( My husband went out to see if everyone was safe. The teenage boy who crossed the middle line on his way to school was a fairly new driver. I felt sorry and glad for him at the same time. While it’s never good to be in any accident, sometimes, especially for boys, having a non-injury accident early on teaches hard lessons in humility.

The first-hand account from the second vehicle following the youth claimed the youth was trying to pass another vehicle and he did not have enough room to return to his lane before hitting the oncoming truck, spinning both the youth’s car and the truck off into the cornfield. Of this, he was certain of what he witnessed.

The problem is…there was no vehicle in front of the youth for him to pass…in all actuality, he was reaching in the passenger’s seat for his brush. I guess he forgot to look in the mirror before leaving home. When mom arrived, taking pictures on her cell phone, he was definitely red-faced!

This is why law enforcement are trained to take all statements before writing up a report. They look at all angles before making any conclusions.

Basically…they unknowingly adhere to the **gasp** Bible… “He who states his case first seems right, until his rival comes and cross-examines him.” ~Proverbs 18:17 .

Why can’t we do that with our relationships? Do we really…really…know what it is we think we know??

Maybe…just maybe…we should at least ask??

Maybe…just maybe…that is what you would want others to do for you??

cornfield crash

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Do you really want to be a step-parent? Part 2

(For the 1st half of this post, read here… Do You Really Want to be a Stepparent? Then come back!)

What is a stepparent to expect?

I started this post quite a while ago but decided, because of the negative nature of lengthy blogs, I would divide it into two posts. I’m afraid it’s still a bit lengthy. ;) This post may not make sense without reading through the first post (here), but they are thoughts from two different directions. I’ve used a “bullet” list, which I’ve read are not very popular, but I feel is effective for multiple points within the same subject. These are snippets of common and worse-case scenarios from my own research (not necessarily my own experience). As you read through these bullet points, some will resonate with you, and others will remind you of a friend or two. Hopefully, you will see a running theme. My prayer is that someone, at least one person, will be able to improve our world by avoiding the pitfalls of myself and so many others.

The pitfalls of stepparent/stepchildren:

  • No matter how much kindness is shown or how much love is given, the stepparent is typically perceived in the negative.
  • No matter how many years the stepparent helped raise the child, even in cases where the spouse has full custody, the biological parent will always take emotional precedence.
  • The stepparent is not welcome into their ‘family time.’ The kids learned visitation was “me” time while their parent was single and are not interested in having to share their mom/dad with someone they view as embezzling their parent.
  • A stepmother is expected to carry the load of the household chores while the stepchildren spend playtime with their dad.
  • A stepfather is expected to ignore the undisciplined stepchildren with no rights to scold when his favorite golf club (insert favorite personal belonging) is used as a baseball bat.
  • Most non-custodial parents do not “engage” due to the separation during the space of time between visits, or out of fear that discipline will cause the child to draw away, when in fact, the opposite is true. All too often, the ex (and quite often their overly doting grandparents) will sometimes try to out-buy or spoil the child. Spoiling out of pity only leads to disrespect for authority and dysfunction later in life.
  • More often than not, the new stepparent will have to deal with belligerent attitudes of the stepchildren stemming from all the hurt, confusion, and insecurities created by their parent’s divorce. The stepchild’s disrespectful and/or angry attitude is usually overlooked and not dealt with through therapy or counseling due to pity encasing the kids by parents, grandparents, and extended family, and unleashed onto the new stepparent. The child should be taught that even though there is no requirement that they respect their stepparent, their parent’s divorce gives no excuse for the child to behave disrespectfully (Oh yes, I have plenty of experience with this one!).

Respected

  • Research shows the hardest position to be in amongst a blended family is that of the stepmother. She is expected to be the caregiver while being despised at the same time. If a stepmother steps in to create an atmosphere of a normal working family, with expectations of equality for every family member, they are met with hostile opposition. The new in-laws will revile her as an outsider. If discipline and chores are expected, she will be met with the position that the kids need a “vacation” on their visitations. The excuse is they don’t see their dad/mom nearly as often since their parents’ divorce. However, the responsibility for the respectful behavior of the children falls on the biological parent, not the stepparent. It’s called “parenting.” (Note: Every piece of literature I have read from the experts indicates that discipline, consistency, and structure create the best environment for security… not vacation time!)
  • Quite often, the new spouse will also need to deal with manipulations of an insecure and overprotective or jealous ex. Through jealousy and insecurity, all too typically, the ex will saturate the child with defamations against the stepparent. The parent/child bond runs deep, even when a parent is dishonest. The child is easily persuaded against the stepparent, causing irreparable damage to all relationships. Too many times, I have witnessed a parent withhold visitation and blame the ex (the child’s other parent). Or, after returning from a visit, the jealous parent will pry information from the bewildered child and then outright belittle everything the child says about the ex’s household, especially the stepparent. (Keep in mind, lies and manipulations always backfire when the child becomes an adult and begins to think for themselves.)
  • I don’t think a vengeful parent realizes their manipulations cause deep anger in children and destroy the child’s future relationship abilities with their own spouse. Due to the divorce epidemic, most young adults now are choosing against marriage in favor of living together, even though statistics show a huge increase in divorce rates with those who cohabitate prior to marriage. If only the vengeful parent would realize the depth of anger they have fueled in their own child’s heart (causing the child to sin), anger that only causes children (no matter what age) to lash out toward those in authority. Thus, it is the number one cause of the “troubled teen” syndrome that is plaguing our society.
  • Never reply to the ranting of a jealous ex-spouse. Learn to ignore false accusations and brush them off. As they say, sometimes the reasons are obvious as to why they are divorced. For your own emotional well-being, forgive and let God handle your justification. Oh yes, I know how hard it is to let go of justification! Sometimes, it never comes. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” The opinions of an ex do not at all indicate your value.
  • If the children are allowed to take a higher priority than the spouse, whether from guilt or pity, the home will be filled with dysfunction and their subsequent marriages will suffer. Discipline falls on the shoulders of the biological parent, and if not enforced, the family can expect nothing but chaos for future generations.

And on and on and on… volumes have already been written on blended families, so hopefully you get the picture.

What can a stepparent do? Is there hope? Can a stepparent possibly have a good or even great relationship with their stepchild?

Yes! Both families can have amicable and loving relationships! But it takes work. It takes patience, thick skin, maturity, and lots of prayer. It takes love, lots of love.

Always keep in mind, when you enter into a relationship with someone who already has children, the presumed “rights” are automatically diminished. A blended family can be successful if both spouses (parent and step) prioritize, keeping their marriage as the most important family relationship. It is imperative to build that “three-stranded chord” with God as your head.

Do some heavy research to be informed on the negative and positive impact of step-parenting, both to the child and the adults, so these pitfalls can be avoided. I’m just attempting to blog my own perspective from experience through my studies, my friends, and my own life. In all these years, I have seen very few cases where all the exes were mature enough and secure enough to be amicable. We live in a society where offense runs skin deep. The innocent children are tossed back and forth, continually being used as weapons against the ex. The competition quite often becomes childlike and immature. And it doesn’t have to be. It takes maturity and love to be amicable. Look for classes offered by your church, or a local church, on blended families to help you navigate through the initial adjustments. My husband and I took an invaluable class early in our marriage. DivorceCare is a great place to begin healing: DivorceCare – Find a Group. Not only is seeking help beneficial for your marriage, it is essential for your children. Again, you are not alone in your struggles. Do not be too proud to seek help.

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” ~ Proverbs 15:22

Peace will come into the home and heart when you take responsibility only for that which is yours. That does not mean the atmosphere in the home will be calm. It may take years for the child to mature enough to accept and actually like their stepparent, and some never do even with the best of stepparents. Most of the stepparent’s success is dependent on the support of the spouse, the biological parent. The stepchild’s happiness is not the stepparent’s responsibility. Yes, stepparents should continue to try to convey areas that need improvement for the benefit of the whole family. But always remember if others do not choose to live with integrity, the results are not your responsibility. Learn to ignore. You will never find affirmation in people. The Lord above is the only one you need to please and to look to for approval, and He already loves you.

Though being a stepparent is a thankless job and there is a greater chance you will be resented, never ever grow weary of doing good! No matter what the opposition, you are contributing to the future. Remember, stepchildren are hurting and broken people who need truth and love. It’s up to you whether your influence is positive or negative. Pray for God’s comfort and strength. You will need it… and He will give it.

“For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.” ~ Galatians 6:8-10

Matthew 11.28-30

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Search, “stepparents” or “blended family”, and you will come up with a plethora of information. Here are a few links I found helpful:

A stepmom bill of rights dangerous to stepfamilies

A revised stepmom’s bill of rights

What rights to custody do I have as a stepmother after a divorce?

Dating with kids

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**Highlights in color are links for more information.

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The Pain of a Child

We all have our crosses to bear. If your child is perfect, count your blessings and ignore this post. If your child is imperfect, join the crowd. You are one of the gazillion humans whose beautifully innocent baby evolved into a normal human. Imperfect: Fallible: Normal. So, why are parents everywhere beating themselves up?

Just what is “normal” in our world? I have several friends who have offspring deemed handicapped, or in the PC term, special needs. I’ve seen firsthand the agony they feel as they navigate through social barriers. It hurts. It’s not fair. It’s humiliating. But I also see more patience, care, and genuine love from these parents to their special children than from anywhere else.

One time a close friend confided that even though she would never trade her child, she sometimes grieved for a “normal” child. She grieved for the sports that were never played, the parties never attended, and the weddings never planned. She dreamed of having just one day that her child would not embarrass her in public with weird noises and gestures. Just one day when the awkward stares were of jealousy and not disgust. Oh, to have just one day with a “normal” child…

And then there’s my other close friend, the one with the “wild” child. How many times did she get a call in the middle of the night? I watched as she stood in court next to her son, dressed in orange. I would be upset too. I hate orange. It totally washes out my complexion. Orange is only good on a pumpkin… and then only in a pumpkin latte… or pumpkin ice cream… or pumpkin pie… with whipped cream on top. Autumn is the best time of year… the fall color of changing leaves… and pumpkins. Ahhh…

Pumpkins & Mums

Oh yes… back to court…

Can you imagine the pain a mother feels standing with a judge staring down in front and her son’s friends staring from behind? The boy she gave birth to made a few bad choices; yet, society blames the parents. I saw her teach right from wrong. I saw her love. Then I saw the very life she gave turn on her, lie about her, and hate her. My friend always said she did not expect her child to be another Albert Einstein, Peyton Manning, or Brad Pitt, yet how she longed to have that “normal” child. Just one day when the awkward stares were of jealousy and not disgust. Oh, to have just one day with a “normal” child…

Why do we long for what is not ours to have? We want relief. We want acceptance. These two mommas were human, with just a small longing for a world without the difficulties of life. That’s all it is. But, are we willing to walk the path of those we perceive as normal? I once heard the recount of a musician in a symphony who was sought after by several fans. One commented they would give anything to play as well as the musician, to whom the musician replied, “You can, if you are willing to give up everything to practice sixty hours a week for most of your life.” The fan sadly walked away, not willing to make the same sacrifice.

Would my two friends trade places? Would they be willing to walk in the other mothers’ shoes to have what they deem as normal? I also have friends who have those “perfect” children. For the most part, they cannot relate to parents with difficult children. But are their lives perfect? Is their world free of difficulty? No. In every case, in every life, drama digs in its evil claws through some small area of their lives. One friend is riddled with financial burdens, while another is plagued with health issues. One friend is aching for the loss of children from a barren womb, while another is anguishing from miscarriage. One friend mourns the death of her child from a reckless driver, while another reels from the death of her child from suicide. Would anyone want to trade places with either of those friends? I didn’t think so…

The Thanksgiving holiday can be a very grim time for people in rough situations. How can we be thankful when we face so much adversity? How can we explain situations we have no control over? Why is our pumpkin never a silver-lined coach? Character. Yes, God is building character. Think about it… don’t the best people in life have a trail of tears? It’s been said the biggest problem with the next generation is ingratitude and an entitlement mentality. I believe it. We give trophies for participation. What do they learn? Self. What happens when the pressures of life surround them? And they will. Most young people crumble. Looking back… I did too. But I got back up. I survived. Experience has a way of not only maturing but also of strengthening.

If I can convey anything in this post… it’s hope. Only when we stop looking at the supposed successes of others will we see our own. We are each unique. We are each made for a different path. Quit longing for someone else’s path. Mow the grass on your side of the fence first. When we realize that God in his great love did not place any greater value on Albert Einstein, Peyton Manning, or Brad Pitt than he did on Jane, Sally, or Mary, then we will appreciate the little “thorns” in our life. For when we look up past our thorns… the rose of God’s love holds us in his palm.

Can we be content? Can we be satisfied? Can we be thankful??

Romans 5.2-5

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The Marriage Controversy…Not a very popular topic…

I’ve seen a few posts lately about divorce causing more destruction to the breakdown of the family unit than same-sex marriage. I agree. After a couple of “fun” posts, here we are on a more serious note… and my mind seems to be jumbled tonight. I guess my thoughts are about the disintegrating family, divorce, same-sex marriage, and blame-shifting: not very popular topics in today’s world.

At this point, I should say that if you do not believe in God, you won’t agree with this post. And that’s fine; I am not your judge, nor do I want to be. Though I’m surely not perfect, these are my beliefs. You are welcome to disagree and leave a comment. ;)

The biggest problem, as I see it, with both the world and the church is the inability to be able to differentiate between the sin and the person. The world would have us believe that to accept the person, we have to accept the sin. The church traditionally believed the person is the same as the sin, and both are unacceptable. The modern church has shifted to accepting the sin in the name of tolerance. Yet, Jesus always loved the person while condemning the sin. And then… there’s the argument over what constitutes sin.

Since I am one who questions everything and tries to get to the source, or the bottom, of every issue, where is the progression? How far down will the “Christian” family fall? Where will it end? To figure that out, maybe we should think about where it began: in the garden, with the beginning and fall of mankind, otherwise referred to as “original sin,” with its root in the love of self.

In the world of roping, a three-stranded cord cannot be easily broken. The typical Christian family consists of a dad, mom, and child—a three-stranded cord. This phenomenon is synonymous with the picture God gave in the Trinity; Father, Son, and Holy Spirit: Three in one. Where does this foundation originate? From the beginning, from Genesis, it originates from scrolls, which have existed for centuries and been proven over and over.

Unfortunately, in our politically correct society, any comment contrary to an acceptance of homosexuality is deemed as hate and bigotry. Most don’t understand how to hate the sin while loving the person. Any comment contrary to divorce being a normal part of life is deemed as antiquarian. In reality, divorce has done more to destroy the foundational family unit than the gay marriage issue. I should know; I’ve been through the hell of divorce.

But do we really want to find out what God thinks? Most don’t. Jesus himself said, “Not everyone can accept this word.” ~Matthew 19:11 Most Liberal Christians dismiss the Old Testament, using the excuse that the Cross changed everything while ignoring the words of Jesus, “… I have not come to abolish them [the laws] but to fulfill them.” ~Matthew 5:17-20

Then there is the argument that Jesus did not specifically talk against homosexuality. Yet, Jesus talked a lot about “sexual immorality” which was understood as being anything outside of marriage.

Scripture teaches that when it comes to “sexual sin,” anyone who was not a complete virgin when they married is guilty. Period. And these days, that pretty much encompasses almost all of us! We’re all guilty. So, there you have it. That, in and of itself, should sum up any and every argument. No? Well then…

Basically, God said man is to leave mom and dad and cleave to his wife and become one. He did not say for a man to cleave to his husband or a wife to cleave to her wife. The Old Testament is clear that marriage was between male and female. Jesus reiterated the same scriptures in the new testament: “Have you not read that at the beginning, the Creator made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? ” ~Matthew 19:4-5 & Genesis 2:24

Liberal Christians tend to not believe in the literal Bible or the individual interpretations of what God did and did not want. They argue that actions do not affect others and who marries and who doesn’t marry is only their business. They proclaim if we do not accept the homesexual lifestyle, that we do not accept the person, when nothing could be farther from the truth. As a result, our courts are creating laws against our Constitution thereby changing our society. Our government did not define marriage; God did.

So where does the gay agenda lead? Where does the progression stop? Where do we draw the line? Isn’t the basis of the homosexual movement about financial “rights” or “equality”? Money. Facts show homosexuals are not monogamous. It doesn’t take deep research to find that most people in the homosexual lifestyle got there due to abuse and pain in their past. Hurt people hurt people. I myself hate “churchy” people, and it is true, we are to love God and our neighbor above all else. But just like a parent will teach his child right vs. wrong and lead them to that which is in their best interest, out of love, are we to accept actions contrary to God’s righteousness? Is it in society’s best interest to show truth in love? Is love in truth? Where the conservatives and the church have failed is to maintain love for the person while not accepting behavior that is destructive. You don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. Acceptance without compromise was the quest of Jesus. He showed love to the outcast, and followed by telling them to stop sinning. He never compromised. Not only that, but He always accepted the sinner without accepting the sin. I’ve had gay friends, I’ve had divorced friends, and I’ve had religious friends. Believe it or not, even though He hates our sin, God loves each and every person.

This leads back to my first question: where does all this acceptance mentality lead? I think the evidence of that is coming. This article states, “Earlier this year two psychologists in Canada declared that pedophilia is a sexual orientation just like homosexuality or heterosexuality.” Pedophiles now want the same rights as homosexuals. So, is bestiality next?? Gay marriage proponents claim pedophiles are a whole different discussion and would affect someone, namely the child, whereas a homosexual marriage does not affect anyone but the couple. On the surface, this sounds sound, but it is bent and deceiving. While the child is directly impacted by a pedophile, children of same-sex homes are just as ruinously affected, as well as children of divorce, etc. To say any action does not influence the next person is both naive and irresponsible. Does creating a law of acceptance deem the action morally right? Lest we forget, slavery was once legal and socially acceptable. “No man can give me the right to do what is wrong.” ~Abraham Lincoln

In 2 Peter 2:4-10 we are told that God did not spare angels of the ancient world before the flood, nor Sodom and Gomorrah as they are examples of what is going to happen to the ungodly. Jesus said in Luke 17:22-37 that the end times will be as the days of Lot and describes what will happen. Jude 1:7 says Sodom and Gomorrah gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion, which translates homosexuality. The people living in Jesus’ day understood the concept of the destruction of Sodom & Gomorrah, so I’m sure Jesus did not feel the need to go into detail. The account of Lot and the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah can be found in Genesis 19. Abraham pleaded for his nephew’s life, so God sent two angels, in the form of men, to bring Lot out before the towns were destroyed. In verse 5, the men of the town surrounded the house and demanded Lot send the men out so they could have sex with them. Long story short, God rained down burning sulfur and destroyed the cities. It pretty much shows how God feels about that lifestyle! Even though God is a God of love, he is also a God of purity and justice. If you really want to find out what God’s word says about who ends up where, check out: Revelation 21:8, Revelation 22:15, & Revelation 22:18-19. Notice he says liars will be in the same place? One notable correlation: notice the names of the cities? These two names are the root of “sodomy,” from which the act of homosexuality comes, and “gonorrhea,” from sexual disease. Also take note that even though God pronounced a death judgment on the towns, in his grace, he did provide an escape for any who would leave. All but Lot and two of his daughters chose to stay, clinging to their depraved lifestyle. As with any sin or any lifestyle, God always provides a way out.

Beyond the gay marriage issue, the best way to destroy the family is to divide mom and dad. I don’t think I need to repeat statistics of divorce here; everyone knows the numbers are too high. To counter those stats, studies show that the generation now coming into adulthood (the Millennial Generation) prefers cohabitation to marriage. I can’t say that I don’t understand. I do. But though we know cohabitation (which leads to an even higher divorce rate) is not the answer, to a generation who grew up with no family foundation, it seems “safe.”

This post is growing like Jack & the Beanstalk, which turns off the short attention span of today’s readers. Therefore, I won’t go into the perils of divorce again here; my first two posts on this blog described the destruction divorce leaves in the family. {1st post here} {2nd post here} Basically, children look at the family unit as a reflection of the Godhead, the Trinity: God the Father, Jesus the marriage, and the Holy Spirit the glue of the family unit (Eph. 5:22-33). In divorce, no matter what the cause, the family is split, and the Holy Spirit is severed. The Godhead correlation is distorted. The children’s security in the unity they once rested in has disappeared. The consequence is a warped view of what constitutes love. Children lose sight of God’s love for them when the love of the family grows cold. They wonder how God can love them when the example of the Godhead before them has split into two households.

Last question… just who is responsible for the destruction of the family and for the downfall of our society?

The Greatest or GI Generation is the generation born around WWI, from 1901 to 1927, coming of age during WWII. With the end of the Second World War, instead of women returning home from their war work posts, women donned high heels and stayed in the workforce, creating the first latchkey children, the Silent Generation. The generations after the war saw divorce skyrocket, bringing about the first major separation of the family. So, that’s it. By the time the sexual revolution of the 1960s entered society, the Silent Generation fell slack in their responsibility to the family. Therefore, it can’t be the same-sex marriage issue of today that has caused the distortion of the family. It can’t be the high divorce rate of generations today. Of course, it had to be the generation before, when Mom left the kids to babysitters, entered the workforce, birth control and abortion stopped large families, and men were no longer required to defend our nation. Eve blamed the serpent; Adam blamed Eve and God, leaving no one to take responsibility for any of our problems!

Who do our parents blame, their parents? Who do their parents blame… their parents?

  • Generation Alpha (2013–2024) blames Gen-Z
  • The Zoomers/Gen-Z (1997–2012) blames the Millennials
  • The Millennial/Gen-Y (1981–1996) blames Generation X
  • The Baby Bust/Gen-X (1965-1980) blames the Baby Boomers
  • The Baby Boomer (1946–1964) blames the Silent Generation
  • The Lucky Few/The Silent Generation (1928-1945) blames the Greatest/GI Generation
  • The Greatest/Interbellum/GI Generation (1901-1927) blames the Lost Generation
  • The Lost Generation (1883-1900) blames the…

(**See Reference links below)

And so on… do you see where this is going?

It couldn’t be my generation’s fault!

Society attempts to lessen the devastation of divorce by blame-shifting responsibility for the destruction of the Christian culture to the prior generation. The downward turn increases with each subsequent generation. Just as Eve blamed the serpent and Adam blamed Eve and God, each generation blames the prior generation, claiming their lack of commitment, lack of stability, that they were too strict, they were too lax, etc. After all, their parents were the ones who raised this dysfunctional generation!

And so on…

The last question should be, just how do we fix it??

I know I have been in sin, as has every human, but through Jesus’ death and resurrection we have salvation, a way out of hell. I wouldn’t want to call good that which we know in our hearts to be evil, just for the sake of political correctness. There is freedom only in truth. Only God can make a blind man see His truth, not your truth, not my truth. But we also need to be careful about “thumping” religion over their heads. God’s truth must be told in love, for only love covers a multitude of sins. God is a God of restoration. Forget the dos & don’ts. Instead, recalculate. (Love that commercial!) In Matthew 22:34-40, Jesus replied to the lawyer, all the laws depend on just two commandments, to love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. If we get those two paths straight, our whole legal system is unnecessary. We must renew our minds and fill up with God’s love to wash out deception. Immerse ourselves in the word, which gives hope… hope for a lifestyle free of negative consequences. That does not mean we will not have drama and temptation, for we still live in a fallen world. But we will have inner peace! The more we fill ourselves with the love of God, the less we will be interested in the deception of self or the desire to satisfy our carnal nature, and the less we will desire sin.

We cannot be good in and of ourselves. It’s only God’s goodness in us that makes us good. His grace is what rescues us from our own destruction. Meditate on this scripture, 1 John 3:1-5:12, as it showers us with the great love of our Lord. “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” With His love, what more do we need?

1 John 3.1

Scripture References:

https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/English-Standard-Version-ESV-Bible/#booklist

**Generation References:

http://www.esds1.pt/site/images/stories/isacosta/secondary_pages/10%C2%BA_block1/Generations%20Chart.pdf

http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2014/03/here-is-when-each-generation-begins-and-ends-according-to-facts/359589/

http://www.genconnection.com/lmu/5th/List%20of%20generations%20-%20Wikipedia,%20the%20free%20encyclopedia.pdf

http://www.cnn.com/interactive/2011/05/living/infographic.boomer/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generation

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**Highlights in color are links for more information.

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“You’re a bad mother! But Happy Mother’s Day anyway.”

What does it take to be a good mother? Perfection? And whose perspective of perfection do we strive to achieve? Yours? Mine? The government? Or possibly, that perfection of the “Proverbs 31 Woman” the church promotes?

We went to the movies this Mother’s Day… and we saw a Mother’s Day movie… just because. Normally, I would only pay money at the theater to see movies where the action is lost on my home TV. But the previews looked pretty good, and I was in the mood to smile. Moms’ Night Out actually made us laugh, relate, laugh, and relate some more! It’s lighthearted fun. Yet, the mainstream criticism hurled at the movie was directed at the mom’s choice of staying at home… and homeschooling! The movie actually celebrates mothers. It has a good plot, good actors, and good-quality cinematography, and, of course, Trace Adkins stole the show! What’s not to love? Yet, some just had to complain. And complain. And complain some more.

Global Warming? Terrorism? Natural Disasters? No… the greatest threat to our country is the breakdown of the family. Our culture has reversed. Before the industrial revolution, mothers were ridiculed and condemned for working outside the home. Now… mothers are ridiculed and condemned for staying home… and mothering! When my kids were young, I was pretty good with my replies to belittling questions such as, “What do you do?” followed by blank looks of boredom. Like I actually sat on my derrière all day watching soap operas and eating Bonbons! I was busier during the times I spent my days “playing house” than when I brought home a bona fide paycheck! But our culture does not put great worth on mothers who choose the “old-fashioned” life, the “lazy” life, or the sacrificial life. So… we leave our children in the arms of another and climb the corporate ladder.

My reply? “I’m a Domestic Engineer and CEO of a corporation responsible for training future agents to aid in our quest for a better society.” I liked it.

Momma's Love Never Ends

I’m not against women working. Sounds contradictory?? I occasionally worked. And occasionally, I worked full time! Sometimes it is necessary. But mostly… it is not at all necessary. Do we really need the material life? The deciding factor is in our priorities. Proverbs 31 gives a pretty good description of the kind of woman God appreciates. Does she sit at home wasting away? No. Does she shove her husband and children off to build her own empire? No. She works for her family! Proverbs 30:8 says to give me neither riches nor poverty. Balance and priorities… lost treasured words.

So, does being a stay-at-home mom always produce perfect little adults? No. Although history does prove that most healthy adults are produced from solid, secure childhoods, with one parent who is a “constant” in the child’s life. Thus, the biggest reason divorce is so utterly destructive to the family. Divorce automatically creates a single-parent home. Yet, there are no guarantees. I have often seen good kids come out of bad homes and bad kids come out of good homes!

Part of the degradation of the stay-at-home mom is their longing for control of our children, and the societal parent-bashing begins. If our children are placed in the hands of outsiders, we have lost our future. Our overreaching government (influenced by Satan) seems to think they know what’s best for us and especially our children and seeks to eliminate families altogether. I see headlines almost daily reporting on parents being threatened with their child’s removal from their home by a child service worker on a witch hunt. The most effective way today is through medical blackmail. Do parents really know best? Have you watched TV in the past decade? The Hollywood parent has been dubbed the recipient of demeaning jokes, especially the father. Parental rights are diminishing. Even our president (Obama) has turned over to the “experts,” teaching his daughters the century-old art of driving a car! One of my fondest memories is the day my dad took me to the local racetrack when I was only 14 and let me have the wheel. Oh sure, the track was closed, and we were in an empty parking lot, so it wasn’t as exciting as actually driving on the track, but I was with my dad! Who do we want our kids to look back on and remember being by their side throughout their childhood, a so-called expert or their parent?

What about local entities that cause division in our homes? Not only do we have our government interfering in our families, but we also have schoolteachers, physicians, and yes… relatives.

When normal childhood problems arise, do those closest to us help or hinder? Everyone seems to think they know what’s best for little Johnny, disregarding the very people who brought him into the world. Parental-authority bashing has become fair game. Our society claims bad behavior is the parents’ fault. We are masters at blame-shifting! Most people don’t realize that even God taught that each person is responsible for their own sin and their own actions. If our children are continually enabled to escape responsibility for their actions, so that the responsibility for their bad behavior is blame-shifted onto their parents, how will they ever come to the place where they realize they need forgiveness from God? Shifting (crossing parental boundaries) personal responsibility from the children to their parents is inadvertent control by the shifter. When people cannot control themselves, they attempt to control others. As a result, little Johnny and Sally grow up lacking in allegiance to their family. Their allegiance is transferred to themselves and anyone who can meet their selfish desires. When parental boundaries are crossed, whether it be by a relative, teacher, or the government, the child formulates a belief that his/her parents’ values are worthless. This belief eventually spills over into their remaining authority figures. If our children are turned against the authority of their parents, how will they learn to respect outside authority? Without the structure of proper authority, children do not learn respect for others, which leads to self-centered lives, which leads to an “anything goes” morality, which finally leads to chaos and death. Our court systems and jails are full of those who believe they are above the law and those who believe they are wiser than the learned, and therefore, they are unlearned. Stats show that more than 80% of inmates come from broken homes. We have more laws on the books than ever in our history, and yet, our country is more incarcerated than any other on earth. Morality cannot be legislated!

The popular philosophy of parent-bashing has hit all levels of society, even from their own grandparents. Parent-bashing is a phenomenon that reverberates not only from the rebellious child toward their parent but also from the grandparents toward their own children, even in the most subtle ways. Grandparenting is easy. You load them up with hugs and love and send them home. Right? Except sometimes, love is self-promoting, replacing the parent with the grandparent, and thereby destroying the parental relationship, severing their parental bond. Little Johnny brings home a horrible grade in school due to his homework negligence, and Grandpa tells him to ignore Mommy’s reprimand because Mommy occasionally made bad grades too. Little Sally insists on attending a party with very questionable characters, and when Daddy says no, Grandma pulls in the drive to give her a ride. And what disciplines does little Johnny learn? What character trait does little Sally pick up? Not only do they learn to disregard their parents’ authority, but they also learn to disregard all authority.

I have seen whole families torn apart, separated, and divorced due to a grandparent or two who insist on being the primary love in the child’s life. Selfish people do not put others above themselves. Jesus said, “A man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.” And he says in the last days, “Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold.” Unfortunately, I have seen this in my lifetime. I have seen grandparents lie to and about their own children, turning the family against them, in order to take control of their grandchildren so that the grandparent will be the center of their grandchild’s world. Lies disintegrate trust that takes a lifetime to rebuild. Grandparents remove personal responsibility from the grandchildren and blame-shift to the generation caught in-between. If that interfering grandparent were an exemplary parent themselves, there would be no need to interfere in the parent/child relationship with their grandchildren, for their children would automatically be great parents! Do you see how that works? If the grandparent does not agree with the parenting philosophy of their children towards their grandchildren, maybe the grandparent should realize that they were the very people who raised their grandchildren’s parents in the first place! If they did not raise perfect children, they may not be qualified to give unwarranted advice about raising their grandchildren! The presence, influence, and mentorship of the extended family, especially the grandparents, are very important and imperative in the development of children, but never to the extent of overruling the parent. Grandparental interference will not only destroy both parent/child relationships; left unchecked, it will destroy the whole family.

One of the best books I have read on the role of a grandparent is A Call to Grandparenting, by Mark Adcock, which celebrates the role of the grandparent. Again… it boils down to balance.

Sadly, many divorced parents lie and brainwash their children against their ex, severing their child’s relationships with the other parent out of jealousy and revenge, especially if the ex has remarried. These interferences cause their own children years of broken relationships… And since God is a God of Justice… the damage done will always backfire against the one who lied. Eventually, children grow up and (most of the time) will figure out where the lies lie. The anger and rejection grown children felt against the parent who was lied about will then transfer to the parent/grandparent behind the lies. And sadly, without forgiveness, more broken relationships ensue. Maybe we would not have as many broken relationships if we took to heart Jesus’ words: “Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.” ~Luke 17:1-2 Whether from an ex or a grandparent, encouraging a child to turn against their parent for your own benefit, to hold them closer to you, is causing that little one to sin. Period.

No one describes the pain of broken relationships better than Rich Mullins in his song: We are not as strong as we think we are…

Rich Mullins Songs

Now, what do the paragraphs above have to do with complaints about mothers not working outside the home? It’s all in the priorities and the covenant of the nuclear family. The big question is, what does it look like to selfLESSly want the best for others, especially our children? How do we show unselfish love? Most of the time, it means simply minding our own business! From our government all the way down to our relatives. If we only take responsibility for that which is our responsibility, not only will our lives be more peaceful, but our relationships with others will be richer. Most of the time, this philosophy requires a dose of common sense. Naturally, if you see physical abuse, you need to step forward and intervene. But, most of the time, divisions in families are caused by selfishness from those who are determined to control others. When little Johnny or Sally has an issue, step back and let the parent be the parent first. Your grandchildren will respect you more if they have their roots first in the parent-bond.

  • Let us put some order back into our society.
  • Let’s let the parent be the parent.
  • Let’s stop demoralizing moms who need to work outside the home.
  • Let’s stop making working mothers feel guilty if they have no choice.
  • But let us take a look at what materially we can do without to be the one our kids will remember by their side.
  • Let’s all stop equating stay-at-home moms to old-fashioned ignorance.
  • Let’s all stop degrading those who want to raise their kids in a two-parent, stay-at-home mom-type family.
  • Can we respect their choice?
  • Can we celebrate motherhood?

Holly & Mommy Easter 1985

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7

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**Highlights in color are links for more information.

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Do you really want to be a step-parent?

“Hey you! Yes, you! Single? But you know life with me will be so much better than your ex! Let’s join forces and start our own family!”

And a new journey begins…

The scenario is common place in today’s world. Boy meets girl, falls in love, gets married, and has the proverbial 2.5 kids. Life happens. Marriages fall apart. Families separate. Life goes on. The boy meets another girl. But this time…

It’s like a Hollywood film. Now, there’s a demon full of hypocrisy! Movies, series, and sitcoms encourage divorce. They prey on the drama. The new romance is glorified. But, after the nuptials, the stepparents are depicted in the same light as preachers, grandparents, or anything deemed “old-fashioned.” The stepmother is depicted as evil in children’s films. The stepfather is shown either as a buffoon or an ogre. Volumes have been written, directed, and produced on the negativity of the stepparent. And yet, the contradictions fly when divorce and remarriage are romanticized and glorified, not giving consideration to the children… those little characters woven into every scene for that “awe” effect.

His kids… her kids. And thus, the top reason second marriages experience a higher divorce rate than first marriages. With the high number of divorces, even in the church, a divorced person will have a pretty good chance of becoming a stepparent! When a young couple has a baby, they blend and grow with the baby. They develop strategies together. They both have the same rights and privileges with their child because the child is half the other parent. With stepkids, the parents have already established their own system and take offense when a new spouse attempts to make changes. And thus, the drama begins…

Did you think the kids would naturally like you, the new stepparent?

Did you think his kids and her kids would actually like each other?

Most divorced parents fail to contemplate the issues lurking around the corner when they enter into another relationship. I lost count of the couples I have personally known who found themselves in divorce court for the second and third time. And their #1 complaint? His kids… her kids. Unfortunately, so many disappointed new spouses blame the kids, when the child’s behavior is only a reflection of the emotions produced from the trauma and upheaval in their world. Emotions that children do not have the maturity level to process.

Even in the best of situations, children typically feel a gap, or a relational void, between the stepparent/siblings. Why? Even in the best of situations, children will always secretly dream of their own parents reuniting.

God placed within the heart of every human the longing for family… for roots. This is the reason most adoptees will search out their biological parents. We all long for security and a sense of belonging. When parents divorce, the family trinity is broken, and the child feels ripped apart. Two parents, two homes, two moms, two dads: never fully belonging in either family.

And yet… we do belong. We belong to the Great I Am, our creator, our redeemer, our savior.

So nothing else matters, right? Right?

Except…

We have to live… daily… with immature people… with fallible people… and they have to live with us… and we have to blend. Adjustments are always difficult, especially with fallible people.

Please understand; the stepparent should never take the place of a biological parent. Contrary to popular belief, it would be a mistake for a future stepparent to assume the kids will consider them a second mom/dad. Most of the time, the stepparents end up considering themselves blessed if the kids actually accept the subsequent marriage to their dad/mom! But to expect a relationship with the stepkids on a level any deeper than that of a niece or nephew is fantasy. It’s no different from living with a teenager in any home…the parent cannot do anything right. Remember as teenagers, we all thought our parents were out of touch and full of marbles, until we became parents ourselves! And it is even more so with a stepparent! Having said that, of course, there are those cases where the relationship with the bio parent is toxic and/or abusive and the stepparent is able to fill a bigger role. But generally, a stepparent will never replace either biological parent.

Even though most of my friends who are stepparents never attempted to replace the biological parent, I know several whose new spouse’s ex-wife’s/husband’s insecurities created a very dysfunctional atmosphere (I do have personal experience here!). Due to a longing for the security of the union of both parents by the children, the stepparent is a prime target for their hostility, especially when one parent portrays their ex’s new spouse as the enemy (more personal experience!). Unfortunately, a lot of parents behave more like the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend than the stabilizing mother/father the child needs. Be aware that quite often, even when a stepparent has a healthy view of the stepchild relationship, the ex may not. Not many mothers or fathers want to give up half of their rightful parenting time to another person, especially having to share with their ex’s new spouse. Jealousy flies deep and only backfires.

Many reading this have not yet divorced and therefore cannot yet comprehend the extent of separation that comes with a divided family. This post was written for the most part with you in mind. My prayer is that you will do everything in your power to “mow the grass on your side of the fence” first before searching for greener pastures. They do not exist. Keep the dogs out of your current marriage. Don’t grow old with only regret to look back on! Just because you don’t want your spouse does not mean no one else will want them either. Someone is always waiting around the corner. Men, do you not realize that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure? Women, do you not realize one woman’s knockoff is another woman’s designer wardrobe? Do you treat your marriage like a contract or a covenant? If you are not committed to your marriage, you are flirting with divorce. Are you ready to share your children? How would you feel if you watched your child leave your door every week or month to live where you have no control? And ultimately, are you ready for a stepparent to step into your shoes to care for your child in a home on the other side of town? Even if the stepparent does not attempt to replace the parent, the child still needs to be cared for while on those visits (bed sheets, food, laundry, etc.). Understandably, some parents feel their relationship with their children is threatened when a stepparent enters their child’s life. Their insecurity will not give room for anyone else, especially their ex’s new wife or husband. Though the stepparent should never take the place of the parent, each visitation brings fears of replacement, especially for the mom.

If you are not yet divorced, and the negative scenarios in this post are not the family life you envisioned, purpose in your heart to make your present family solid. The best thing dads can do for their kids is to put aside their own life and love their mom, and only their mom. The best thing moms can do for their kids is to respect their dad. You are not alone in your struggles. Do not be too proud to seek help.

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” ~Proverbs 15:22

The adjustments of a newlywed childless couple in a first marriage are no comparison to the adjustments of a newlywed couple in a blended family. My hope is that whoever is reading this will take off any rose-colored glasses when entering into a relationship involving children. Many reading this will be able to relate to the heartache of divorce, having to let go of part of your children long before they would naturally leave the nest. Loneliness is hard. But the Lord wants to help you heal. There is hope. God is a God of Restoration! With a lot of hard work and patience, you will get through the valleys and find yourself on a mountain again.

I know more than anyone how hard it is, but never grow weary of doing good! But most of all… pray! Pray for God’s comfort and strength. You will need it… and He will give it.

“For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.” ~Galatians 6:8-10

~Update: Click here for the 2nd half of this post… Do you Really want to be a Stepparent? Part 2

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**Highlights in color are links for more information.

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After Divorce…A New Drama Begins…

Continued from my very first post, here: Divorce… Necessary Drama??

So… after the divorce… The parents move on. The kids adjust. Everyone establishes a new life full of peace, without the fighting and drama from their former marriage. We all blissfully co-exist…

Oh, if only this scenario were true. In reality, lonely parents try to find new love with guarded hearts, now full of baggage. The kids build walls to guard against further relational hurt. Friendships shift into his or hers, or not at all. Family members pick sides. A new drama begins.

When marriages crumble, the Trinity is severed. Our God-reflection is shattered. The culture of our world is forever marred. Future generations walk a broken path. Consequences follow us the rest of our lives.

Children look at the family unit as a reflection of the Godhead; the Trinity (see Ephesians 5:22-33):

God… the Father

Jesus… the marriage

The Holy Spirit… the family unit (the children)

In divorce, no matter what the cause, when the family is split the Spirit is severed. The Godhead correlation is distorted. Their security in the unit they once trusted has disappeared. The consequence is a warped view of what constitutes real love. Children lose sight of God’s love for them when the love of the family grows cold. They wonder how God can love them when the example of the Godhead before them has split into two households.

Emotionally, everyone, especially children, will experience the same stages as in mourning a death. Bitterness sets in, and their lives become self-destructive. Children see the broken trust between their parents, and that brokenness is transferred to their own hearts. They feel their parents walked away from them. Children of divorce are more likely to experience divorce themselves. They do not have a true commitment modeled before them. It is easier for adult children of divorce to walk away from their own marriages after experiencing their parents’ failed marriage.

After the separation, the children face the adjustments to an empty house and/or a new home. Babysitters and latchkey kids replace the constant of a nurturing parent. Children long for a connection with their missing parent. Resentment sets in for the parent most blamed. Some will blame the custodial parent; feeling like the custodial parent pushed out or ran off the other parent. Or, some will blame the non-custodial parent, with feelings of desertion, rejection, and failure. Most of the time, the children blame themselves. The reality of a separated family is indescribable.

The authority structure is shifted, causing children to lose respect for anyone in authority or who attempts to lead, whether it is a parent, teacher, or the government. Discipline becomes either nonexistent or rejected. Studies show once well-adjusted children (and especially teens) now become unruly, disrespectful, and bitter. Most of the damage from the parent’s divorce is neglected, ignored, or stifled, thereby carrying the damage into their own subsequent marriages. The experts say the Millennial Generation on down has chosen to cohabitate rather than to marry. Unfortunately, this arrangement brings up another host of dysfunctions. The divorce rate is even higher for those who cohabitate.

At the first separation, the parents (especially the mother) are so consumed with surviving that they do not recognize the hurt inflicted on the children. Each spouse believes the children will “believe” their side. After all, if the parent does not like someone, naturally, their children will not like them either…right? Except in this case… the other person happens to be the other parent, the one that holds half their DNA. No bond is greater than the parent bond…with both parents, no matter how bad the parent. Have you ever sat on half a toilet? The result has the same correlation in the life of a child of divorce. They feel nothing works right, and every time they try to succeed, they end up with a mess all over the floor. Since the trust has been severed with the parents, they run to the closest “janitor” to help clean up their family mess. Unfortunately, the people the children seek help from are usually their peers who are going through the same situations. They gather advice from wounded healers, driving the bitterness deeper while learning to put on masks of false strength.

Is there hope? Is there help? Family and friends tend to pick sides, without seeking unity. Most people in the church are too busy condemning the breakup to unconditionally love, forgive, and restore the rejected or the wayward party. Where does a hurting person turn? We look to the beginning. Wouldn’t the One who created mankind know what is best for mankind? Don’t look at the picture mankind has created of the Godhead…look at who the Godhead really is. Search Him out for yourself.

My biggest goal in writing this blog is to help hurting people. Sometimes, we have to see the darkness on the other side of the door to keep us from opening it and walking through. I have been on both sides. No matter which side of divorce you are sitting on, please realize the side that has the greenest grass is the side that you cultivate, fertilize, and water. Start watering with the Word. Not the word of religiosity, but the Word of God’s infinite love. Are you seeking revenge on the person who wounded or deserted you? Trust me; your actions will only backfire. Let it go…out of your heart. Leave revenge, judgment, and the other person to God. Your peace will only come when the truth of God’s love fills your heart.

You do not have to get cleaned up to take a bath. Neither do you have to be religiously perfect before you can experience God’s love. Realize God loves the person while hating the sin. Pride, bitterness, and revenge only destroy you, not the other person. Seek forgiveness for your part. Then extend forgiveness to those who sought to destroy you. Repentance, forgiveness, and restoration are for anyone who trusts in the Lord. Rest in God’s love. God created you. God accepts you. God can turn your ashes into beauty!

 Isaiah 61.3

Isaiah 61

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**Highlights in color are links for more information.

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