my personality!!

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||||| 66% Stability |||||||||||||||||| 80% Orderliness |||||| 23% Accommodation |||||||||||| 50% Interdependence |||||||||||| 43% Intellectual |||||||||||||| 56% Mystical |||||||||||||| 56% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 63% Religious || 10% Hedonism |||||||||||| 43% Materialism |||||||||||||||||| 76% Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 70% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 76% Work ethic |||||| 30% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 50% Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 50% Need to dominate |||||||||||||| 56% Romantic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Avoidant |||||||||||| 43% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 63% Wealth |||||||||||||||| 63% Dependency |||||||||||| 43% Change averse |||||||||||||||| 63% Cautiousness |||||||||| 36% Individuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Sexuality |||||||||||||| 56% Peter pan complex |||||||||| 36% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 50% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Paranoia |||||||||||| 50% Vanity |||||||||||||| 56% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 43% Female cliche |||||||||| 36%

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So it's all just a joke then?

It turns out it was all just a joke they were playing on me yesterday. She didn't really go clubbing with them this time. They let me endure the pain a little longer than necessary in college too. They came to me with descriptions that would weaken any man's knees.. maybe even some gay men. All this multiplied the sick feeling in my stomach, and yet, in a corner of my mind, I still harboured some hope that their stories were entirely fiction. And it's a good thing I did too. For it was.

It was V's birthday today, funnily the lot of them came on time for class today. Not what you would expect following a night of clubbing. He got the traditional cake-to-face smash, not to mention the additions of cake-to-trouser drippings and cake-t0-bag fallings. The whole lot of them, the ones who went clubbing yesterday have gone to watch Da Vinci Code now. I was invited, but can't make it... I gotta spend quality time with my bro. So the fact that I'm in front of my computer baffles me. Maybe I should have just gone with them. What a waste.

Sighss....

It seems a certain someone has been going clubbing... And I've been stuck at home. Missing out. And my friends have met her clubbing, and they're all going clubbing together again tonight. Here I am at home. Like an accident happening in slow motion, I see it unfolding before my eyes, but am unable to do anything about it. I trust my friends not to get her into trouble, and I trust them not to betray my trust. It is one of their birthdays today after all.

I can't help but wonder, whether it is all part of a sick joke conjured by my friends. One that is aimed to reveal my desperation not to miss out. I feel sure my friends would not do such a thing to me, to put me through such torture. But will they? It happens on a relatively minor scale all the time, is it possible it's just enlarged before my eyes because it involves that certain someone? The wound cuts deeper than it usually does, when this emotion courses through my veins.

I've just had a chat with a friend, D and her and they both tell me they're going out tonight to Glo. I'd love to go, but I'm at home. Leaving home at this time of day(night) needs force of reason stronger than that needed to break orbit from Earth. The banter in the chatroom seems to be all in good fun, pseudo love triangles are ever-so-carelessly forged and evaporated in the conversation. The torture of what-may-be-but-yet-not-happening-because-I-can't-leave-home is greater than the pain of knowing for sure any possible bad news in that direction.

This same hollowness inside has struck before. Read up my New Years Eve clubbing and Valentines Day posts. Different people, different location, same situation. Well, nearly. It's not described so well in that post, but the feeling was there... I've had more than a few impulses to get that New Year's Jealousy story off the ground.

Oh look, D is offline, and she is "Away". Probably getting ready for their fun night ahead. Argh, fuck it, I'm gonna sleep soon. Fuck this feeling. It's plagued me way too much this year.

It's been so long, but it feels like the day before yesterday...

It's coming up on 2 years since I left Adelaide, and yet, going through friendster and seeing the pictures of my friends there, I still have a keen sense of what it was like to be there. A few minutes ago, I could have sworn I had an out-of-body experience.

I'm walking in Eddie and Chua's apartment, it was slightly cold, not the bitter cold of the outdoors in winter, more like the cold of the indoors, wearing my blue Nike sports jacket. GAME STARTED WOI!! Eddie shouts from his room. I walk from the TV room towards Chua's bedroom. I pass the dining table on my right. I look at the reflection of my black socks in the full length mirror leaned against that wall there. *Poof*

I'm back in my world now. Ben's MSN conversation window is flashing, he's not scoring much in futsal, he says. Futsal. Indoor football.

I'm pacing the netting on the left of court Adelaide. Ben's holding the ball up for far to long. MAN ON! I shout at him. The one in blue with the goatee has incredible entry speed approaching Ben from behind. Slight contact with the ball, much more contact with Ben's heel. Ben falls. Play on says the ref. FUCKING REF!! ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?!? I shout. The ref gives me a look, the game continues. Ben grimaces and curses the ref under his breath. I see the words forming in his head, I read those words on his lips. He supports himself on one knee and gets up from the floor. Birgit gives me a knowing look and tries to calm me down. I take a swig of Powerade and continue my pacing. Later on, after the game, Ben throws his clothes on hurriedly and storms off to his car. I look at the guys, Ken and Weidong, and the rest of them he's left behind, they're all gesturing me to follow Ben. I follow Ben. Ben and I get into his car, just him and me. He's steaming mad. It's as angry as I've every seen him. He feels he has been let down by his teammates and the biased, "racist" ref. I try to figure out what to say to him, finally decide to show empathy. I see the anger gradually dissipate as he tells me what exactly in the game was making him angry. We reach the corner of Pulteney and North Terrace. He parks just 'round the corner, on Pulteney, directly downstairs from Bradford College. *Poof*

It's back to reality again. No flashing MSN message from Ben. Not yet. Bradford College. I remember the first day I went in, I had made so many resolutions. The resolution to not be so contained anymore. The resolution to do well, to change for the better. The resolution to quit dota. Boy, have I let myself down. Till this day, only the first of those resolutions can be considered complete. If not for my being so foolhardy and weak-willed, I would still be in Adelaide today. I'd be there, playing futsal with Ben and the rest of the gang from Bradford College. I'd still be able to visit Eddie and Chua at their place. I'd still take in the midnight live telecast of the Premier League at the Railway Station/Casino with the boys. I remember the good times the locals had given to me too. I never really thanked them properly for their kindness.

P.S. I've just sent Birgit Cramer a long long email about how things are in Penang, and thanking her for my good times in Adelaide.

Catch My Disease... no, really...

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Raghuram's Syndrome
Cause:	monkey bite
Symptoms:	mild lockjaw, vague Hitler moustache, seeing dead people
Cure:	bleach
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