Deadpan Drollery©

I’m starting to think that Podcasting is bringing about a second ‘Golden Age’ of radio comedy, without all that pesky Tokyo Rose type interference.  At this point there are not enough executive’s involved to screw up the writing, so if your not already listening I’d suggest you start.  In fact, I would suggest downloading and backing up everything you like now before the FCC and executives in general get involved and muck it all up.  Also, I’m not even going to suggest who you listen too, if you want to know who I listen too just look at previous postings and follow the links.

Just to make my point, let me tell you a couple stories that have nothing to do with Podcasting.

I was, surprisingly, somewhat of a smart ass as a kid and could fit in pretty much with any group.  It was one of the techniques I used, being moved around a lot as a child, using comedy to weave my way through the land mines of American High Schools throughout the Mid-West and Southeast.  But ultimately my friends I spent my off time with were of the techie (this is early 80’s mind you too, techies had to wait for the A/V cart to use the one Mac in school) and comic book variety.

Now in the mid to late 80’s a friend and I were comic shop diving after smoking weed, which helps in the appreciation of the artwork and the attitude of most shop owners.  And we stumbled across the First Run Brand New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Now stop the tittering for a second and let me just tell you, this used to be a cool book.  They were adult oriented and really one of the first ‘graphic’ type comics.  They were not only a graphic novel but a graphic comic book series, this was not a one time thing.  This was something we loved and cherished and followed for years!

When I joined the Army in the late 80’s it was still pretty unknown.  Of course being a soldier and a ‘rebel with a job’ I decided to get a tattoo so I found one of my favorite graphic pics of Leonardo as I enjoyed that character.  The tattoo artist was bemused to say the least as apparently TMNT had not hit the ‘shores’ of Wichita Falls, TX., which has neither Falls or any Wichita’s left (from what I saw there were only white people).  She had to create the template and I made her redo it about 4 times before I’d get the work done because I wanted it done right, she was really pissed off but understood I wouldn’t get it if she didn’t do it right.  So I got the work done eventually and went about my life with what I felt was surely the most unique and individualistic piece of artistic body art that anyone would ever see.

Two years later some Executive’s child somewhere found a copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and ruined my life forever.  They bastardized it and kiddie-fied it beyond recognition. Now every time someone sees my Ninja Turtle tattoo I get the ‘look’ that says, “Are you a retard or just a dumb ass?”  End of story one in which an executive and the general public become involved and ruined my life.

Our second event occurs at a time shortly before Universal Studios Florida in Orlando opened their second theme park, Islands of Adventure a Comic Book Themed park.  I’ve also noticed, as I write this, that this story also involves comic book characters and I am an even bigger dork than even I previously thought was possible for any 42 year old adult male that is able to walk the earth without a leash attached and a group home being involved…  But I digress.

Before Islands of Adventure was opened publicly they did what is known as a ‘soft opening’, the park was open but not advertised.  This is a period in which they were testing the rides for the first time with general public riders.  If you purchased an annual pass at that time you got several months free for being a human guinea pig and crash test dummy.  Of course I said great and bought passes for the whole family!

I am unequivocally a roller coaster ‘nut’ and one of the great joys I have in life now is being able to go on roller coasters with my kids because my wife is a big wimp (she’s 4’11” tall so this is a ‘little’  in joke).  During this testing phase of the facility I rode every coaster in that park multiple times again and again.  I would go down on days I was off work and the kids were in school and ride for 5 hours and get to school to pick them up.  It was great those rides were fast and threw you around perfectly with no jerkiness or rough rides, you’d get positive G’s and negative G’s and get off the rides with the biggest erection you ever saw on a person, women included.

About a week before the park opened I went by for one last unadulterated ‘fling’ with my lover before she was put out on the street for cash.  I got on The Hulk, it took off but something was wrong.  I thought “Maybe I’m just getting too used too this?”  But as we were coming around the last few loops and curves in the back, the ride got all jerky and started throwing your head around smacking it on both sides into the damned restraints.  In fact if you happened to be, like me, holding your hands on either side there you would pummel yourself in the face with rapid knuckle punches.  It was really very refreshing for your first ride of the day!

I got off a little perplexed with minor bruising and asked one of the operators on the disembarkation side of the ride, “Hey what’s up, the rides slower and I just beat the hell out of my skull?”  His reply, “Oh they slowed down all the rides because of the test groups, all the older people said they were too fast.”  And with that he popped a zit and went back to touching patrons who were getting on the ride next.

This totally pissed me off, didn’t this kids parents realize he needed a Dermatologist!  There were Engineers involved here who designed these rides to go “so fast” in order to allow for the ride to be smooth and work properly.  But now a damned Focus Group had over ridden those decisions and apparently physics!  The stupidest part is that it is obvious when you ride those rides now that by running them slower they cause more stress on the supports.  That’s why the rides are now ‘jerky’ at some points, they are not going at the intended speed to prevent that action.  Also they are stressing the ride and destroying it more quickly and then next thing you know Fabio gets hit in the face by a low flying Goose on a roller coaster.

So what do we learn from all this?  Well first, everyone other than me is stupid and wants to ruin my life specifically apparently, because I’m not allowed to have any joy.  But more importantly, hopefully I’ve proven my point.

If you like comedy and want to hear some great stuff that’s free and has not had the chance to be destroyed by the General Public Bitching, Executives or Government Oversight then for the love of a God I don’t even believe in please, Support Your Favorite Comedy Podcasts.

Because George and Gracie would be on one if they could (and they would be great at it too)!