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Posts Tagged ‘Family’

Article Link for Asylum Improv Show

October 14, 2010, @ 4:37 pm 3 comments

Article about the Improv Show I was in last week: http://tinyurl.com/2brzc5u

Flailing about miserably in the land of hipsters…

September 16, 2010, @ 3:27 pm 1 comment

OK, so August was a total wash out that did not go as planned.   But we shall get back on track.

Sad to say (for you not them) that my family comes first and I’ve had issues over the past month and a half which prevented me from attaining my goal of getting out 5 nights a week by the end of August.  I kind of set that bar high anyway, but I’ll keep working for it till I get to it.

Twitter has kind of become a new home for me to post short ideas as they come into my head, so be sure to follow me there or keep your eye on the stuff to your right over there ——->

I’m going to also be trying something new with my Twitter.  I’ll be having regular joke topics defined by the hashtag (#).  The 3 I currently have are #FailedFranchiseIdeas, #ProofYourAloneInTheUniverse & #JennyCraigsLostWeekends.  Each will be for a different day of the week, so I’ll be working on coming up with 2 more I like for the other 2 days, Monday thru Friday.

I’m also going to be posting back here at least once per week with new stuff I’m writing again.  I don’t see any point in not posting for the people who actually DO read my stuff, considering that’s all I’m able to provide at this point.

Also I do have an Improv show scheduled for Saturday Oct. 9th at The Spindrift Theater in Pacifica, CA. 8pm with Asylum.

Last if your in the area you may see me trolling around the Golden Gate Park for the San Francisco Comedy Day.  Be sure to check it out they have a bunch of great comics including Will Durst.   The shows start Sunday Sept. 19th 2010 at 12pm to 5pm.

You Make the Call…

July 11, 2010, @ 11:42 am 3 comments

The day my family was having our Reunion back East,…   That’s the direction that doesn’t lead you into the Pacific Ocean…  The day of the reunion I was sitting there watching ‘Fatal Attraction’ in HD…

And this made me think, “Example of Symmetry?  OR Newton’s Third Law?”

You Make the Call…

Since my brother was there and ‘on the field’ as it were, I asked him to officiate for me…

His return text was a bit disturbing,…  his judgment call was that it was more in line with Symmetry, apparently things got pretty rough around the “buffet area”…

But in our defense we are all pretty damned good cooks…

Writing, Research and Work Ethic…

July 1, 2010, @ 12:24 pm 4 comments

I’ve been working on research and writing a lot recently.  I therefore apologize for my lack of posts to those that actually care about such minor issues and banality.  First I love the writing, it’s the new found paranoia of posting it that is strange, I’m a little concerned about possible pilfering due to some of my research.  Not that I’m some kind of genius, it’s just there is only so much reality for everyone trying to do this to work from but then again some people are just flat out hacks.

One of the things I’ve been doing, in addition to a LOT of reading about writing comedy, is watching and listening to some people I’ve always liked but didn’t really “hit it big” as it were.  Yet they’re still making a living (in some cases 25 to 40 years), which honestly is pretty much were I’d like to be at once I’m done with this transition.  So if you like comedy here are a few comics with some really brilliant Podcasts that can be gotten from multiple sources. I use iTunes, but I’m going to link directly to the artists site, so you can get it how you want it from there.

Marc Maron: He’s got the WTF Podcast and it is just a great resource so listen, a couple comics (from all levels of the industry) talk about comedy on pretty much every level (business to artistic).  His interview with Carlos Mencia is probably one of the most stunning things I’ve ever heard.  And for Mencia to not even realize he’s admitting he’s a hack is mind boggling.  He flat out says his first experience he went out and got a joke book and then did them on stage.  How can he not realize that’s what makes him a hack?  My first experience I wrote every thing I did, it was mostly easy jokes but it worked and made me want to get better.  I got laughs and the fact that I wrote them is what made me really get charged about this, sure they were hack jokes about drinking and the attitude is what made them work.  But it made me want to WRITE better material, all Mencia could have felt is “I have to GET more material”.  I’m sure he was charged but he had to have wondered where he was going to get his next bit from, I knew I could create more and I think that’s the difference between a real comic and a hack.

Doug Benson: Just a funny guy with a good act and I like his podcast Doug Love Movies (formerly I Love Movies) for the array of guests and the way the show is done.  It’s mostly live in a theatre (that’s how they spell it dammit!) in LA called the UCB (you know but if not google).  Tons of other comedians and it’s mostly an improv movie themed show so it’s just a fun listen.

David Feldman: This guy is a writer/performer who’s great and makes me laugh a lot.  His podcast is mostly interviews and comedy sketches which is great.  You don’t get many audio comedy sketches outside of Harry Shearer radio shows and his can get a little dry, so this is a really good show to listen to as you drive or work on dangerous machinery after drinking cough syrup.

Will Durst: Another great writer/performer.  He was on a podcast I heard of David Feldman’s but he does one himself that is available on audible.com for purchase.  He’s also got CD’s for sale on his site and has written some books which are great reads as well.  He’s been around for years and I remember seeing him back in the 80’s (when I should have started doing comedy) and along with Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison and George Carlin, he’s one of those guys I think I most admired.  But somehow he fell off the national scene, to move out here and find that he’s still active is one of the best things I’ve discovered over the past few years.  So check him out as well.

Ritch Shydner: He’s one of two comics that wrote and compiled a book called “I Killed” that is an excellent read that will make you laugh out loud.  He’s a great comic and he’s in a documentary I watched recently.

There are some great documentaries out there too.  If enough people want to know what I’ve been watching there just drop a comment and I’ll put that together in the future.

I’ve not watched much of their current comedy stuff, as I don’t want to accidentally contaminate my brain with someone I respects ideas, but I’ve been listening to podcasts, watching documentaries about comedy and reading books by comedians I respect and who’s writing I enjoy.  So one of the more pressing things I’ve gleaned from a great deal of this research is the need to be wary of hacks that steal, thereby bypassing the realm of Loserville a new online game from Zynga!

So my next step, now that I’ve started to learn to write a better actual ‘bit’ and I’m starting to like what I’m seeing.  I’m going to be concentrating on getting more actual stage time.  My first goal is to start doing an open mic at least 5 nights a week by the end of August.  That goal is central to my second goal: to get my first really tight 5 to 7 minute set.  Once that’s done then goal three is to actually start auditioning or getting some actual paying features/opening sets and build from there to a 20 minute set.

This will be the next year or so of my life…  Oh wait, I’m still also a husband and Dad of 2 kids in their early teens, one of whom has Down Syndrome…  At least karma and the daily news shall continue to provide the material!

Martinizing…

May 17, 2010, @ 5:32 pm 1 comment

I often wonder if Steve Martin is honored or horrified at the entire process of Martinization

And by Martinization I mean, as in Martinizing, the Dry Cleaning Process…

Not Martinizing in the Urban Dictionary sense, which means “To be banged by a member of the Martin family”…

I’m pretty sure he’s honored by it in that sense no matter what…

As long as your really trying.

Histories Mysteries…

May 4, 2010, @ 9:04 pm 2 comments

I love watching the History Channel…  One of my favorite Histories Mysteries is “Who do you blame WWII on”…

I think, if anyone, the person we should place all the blame, agony and cruelty of WWII squarely on is the jerk that told Hitler as a kid “You have to EARN respect”…

Bet that guy feels like a dick right?…  Probably some well meaning Uncle that only got to see the kid like twice before he started committing atrocities…  THEN what are you going to say…  I mean and live…

Double Jeopardy…

April 21, 2010, @ 1:10 pm Leave a comment

I have a Gay Jewish Mother In Law…  That’s like double jeopardy isn’t it?…

I mean they don’t even allow that kind of stuff in the U.S. court system…

Even AFTER Bush got done with them…  I mean the court system…  Not the Gay Jewish Mother In Law’s…

Though I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t approve of them either…  If he could conceive of such a thing…

He’s a friend of OURS…

January 12, 2010, @ 2:07 pm Leave a comment

So this friend of mine comes up to me the other day…  and he says: Ed, I notice alot of your jokes start with a friend or family member who comes up to you and asks you a question alot….  What’s UP WITH THAT?!?!?!?….

It’s simple really…  I WIKI!!!!….  I’m the answer guy…  so piss off….

Busted by the Lord…

January 11, 2010, @ 11:02 am Leave a comment

Once when I was 6 or 7 and at my Grandfather’s Vacation Bible School…  yeah, vacation… WHEEE, some kids get Disneyland I got snake handling and speaking in tongues….

There was this guy who was about 35 that I guess was supposed to be a ‘youth pastor’ or something….  he’d walk around during the recess period in a little kids sheriff outfit with the straw hat,… the little belt with the cap gun and the little plastic handcuffs… the whole bit…  one day I got busted for some reason… I don’t recall what it was… he probably overheard me telling some other kid that god was a construct of the human races collective unconscious guilt complex…

So he handcuffed me to a flag pole with my hands around the pole!!!…  And walks away!!!…..  It’s funny because in today’s world…..   if someone drove down the street and saw a kid….  handcuffed….   to a flag pole…… they would either report it to child services!!!…  Or they’d think it was a free kid to abduct…. either way nothing good would come of that situation today…

It would be reported is all I’m saying…  unless it was a Catholic Church of course…  cause they have a LOT of flagpoles inside apparently…

Another funny point to this story is the guy forgot I was chained there…  so I was out there like an hour before I just broke the stupid things… they were plastic after all…  so of course when the guy told Gramps I got the switch….

Memories…. they really are precious, precious portals through time aren’t they…

I feel pretty, oh so pretty…

January 11, 2010, @ 10:30 am Leave a comment

… I was standing there this morning… in the nude… let that image sink in for a second there ladies… …. …. and my wife goes, “What are you DOING!!! I’ve gotta go to work I don’t have time for SEX!!!”… which wasn’t even on my mind… …. till she SAID IT!!…

but I was just getting dressed, didn’t say anything… not even the “hey ya wanna?!?!” pleading look that every guy does… i wasn’t even thinking of sex… it made me feel like such a piece of meat, like an object or a ‘sex toy’ if you will…. dirty…

THAT WAS KINDA COOL!!!, is that what hot girls feel like all the time?!?!?! Cause I get it now…

Family History…

January 9, 2010, @ 6:10 pm Leave a comment

I was doing research online and found that my family came here from Germany in 1789…  and they were Jewish…  Yeah, my first though was “Oh crap… There are like no Jews in show business…”  Maybe I should reconsider…       all this…

SO yeah they were Jewish…  and I guess in 1789 the family name was Walk…  AND they were really PROACTIVE in escaping from Hitler…   kinda fills you with pride really!!!…  they spotted the signs like 140, 145 years before anyone…

But this really opens all kinds of new doors for me as a comedian….  There are so FEW ethnic jokes regarding Judaism…

I’m also part Native America…  Shawnee…  Can you imagine the crap that guy got from his Jewish Mother?!?!….   I figure if I keep researching, I’ll also find I’m part African and Muslim…  and begin bombing myself…

My brother started using that Native American part to get the ladies early on…  Anytime a woman tells him she’s got a little Indian in her,…  he asks her if she’d like a little more…

It’s kind of hard for me…  finding out I’m Jewish, on several levels…  I mean, I come from Hillbillies, so half of the family wants to kill me cause their being targeted by racist organizations now…  the other half wants to kill me cause their being KICKED OUT of their racist organizations…  I feel bad about it…  some of those folks need the Neo-Nazi Bowling League…  it’s the only exercise many of them get…

It’s also hard, because I’m an Atheist…   AND NOW!!!…  NOW I find out that I’m one of God’s ‘chosen’ people…  oops…   but you know now that I’m a CHOSEN ONE…  I may have to reconsider…

It’s also really disappointing finding out my family was Jewish and came here in the late 18th century….  Because in NINE generations not one them accumulated any viable wealth to pass on TO ME!!!….  kind of makes me wonder if we weren’t kicked OUT…  “Alright, Hirahm….  ve’ve been looking at the Zionist conspiracy accounting figures here…  and ve see your not doing your part to take over the vorld here….  SOOO, if you don’t vant to take over the old vorld,…  maybe veel send you to the new…   see vhat you can do over dere…  you do a good job taking over the new vorld maybe… MAYBE ve bring you back.”

Just note that I’m doing this act in the U.S. folks…  I think we know how that turned out….

There are certain laws…

September 25, 2009, @ 6:33 pm 1 comment

(…probably to follow ‘Altered States Street…‘…)

There are other “laws” of the universe that kid’s shows just flat out disregard!!!…

That’s frustrating to a guy like me…  There are laws of physics folks!…  and the sooner these kids start learning about them the better!…

So let’s just take a critical look for a second here at Mr. Sponge Bob Square Pants…  If that’s your real name…

I’m watching this the other day and Bob and Squidward were having one of their usual social discourses regarding the break down in the moral “fiber” of society in general…

So at one point Squidward squirts Sponge Bob and he being a sponge starts to get all puffed up…

Now does anyone see the problem here???…  Let’s think back to the damned theme song folks….  “Who lives in a Pineapple UNDER THE SEA?!?!?!”….  “Absorbent and Yellow and Porous is he…”  Now there’s no need to go any further…

First off that second line is grammatically incorrect…    It SHOULD be: “Absorbent, COMMA, Yellow AND Porous is he…”  You just don’t use the word AND like that folks…  that’s not right…  you need to teach kids to speak correctly…

But my real point is he LIVES UNDER the sea…  Why in the hell when Squidward squirts him with ANYTHING would he absorb anymore?!?!?  He’s a SPONGE LIVING UNDER THE SEA!!!  HE’S ALREADY SATURATED!!!

That’s one of the Laws of Fluid Dynamics folks, I’m not making this stuff up up here…  He can’t absorb anything else…

New to the area…

September 9, 2009, @ 10:04 am Leave a comment

(different lead in to Prejudice and Me…)

Friends ask me if I miss Florida… We moved to NorCal a couple years ago…I don’t miss it a bit actually…  Don’t get me wrong, I like fried foods and racism as much as the next guy…

(then do Prejudice and Me…)

Out of the box…

August 29, 2009, @ 6:13 pm 2 comments

Living with 2 kids, a 9 yr old and a 13 year old (Down Syndrome or not), is like living with a little law firm…  It’s frustrating…  I mean I have myself to blame…  I’m the one that taught them to think “out of the box” so there you go right?…

Kid would ask me about a shooting star and he gets a 20 minute dissertation on meteorites, micro meteorites, “space junk”, and the perils of polluting our atmosphere…  So now it takes me 40 fucking minutes to get the little turds into bed…

And what you want to do is go “GET YOUR ASS IN BED!!! OR YOUR GOING TO LEARN ABOUT THERMAL DYNAMICS WHEN MY HAND MEETS YOUR ASS!!!”…

And then your explaining to him as you give him swats that this is what the Earth felt like when the Asteroid that killed the dinosaurs hit Latin America…

You don’t do that but you think it….

Which is ‘gayer’….

July 24, 2009, @ 10:48 am 3 comments

A buddy of mine recently asked me which I thought was ‘gayer’…  or more gay for you English majors out there…  Aids or Twilight…

I told him Twilight is definitely gayer….

Because ANYONE can get the Aids, but ONLY the  ‘gay’s’ get Twilight….

Oh come on, no one should get offended at that joke….  We all have someone amongst our family and friends that likes the Twilight series….

North Korean Christians….

July 24, 2009, @ 9:53 am 1 comment

A North Korean woman was recently executed for giving out free Bibles…  Talk about being a slave to the capitalist system…  Which is odd for a communist country….

So I’m guessing North Korea is now pretty much off the ‘recruiting areas’ list for the Gideon’s and Mormons….

I just think it’s a little to ‘strict’ is all I’m saying…  It’s not like she was passing out copies of Twilight or anything…  Now that would be a crime worthy of the death penalty…

Wake the dead, they may still have some cash…

July 17, 2009, @ 10:57 am Leave a comment

I read a story recently about a group of upstanding young citizens…  That robbed a family while they were having a wake…  Or ‘sitting Shiva‘ for those of you out there of the Hebrew persuasion…

Now I never would have thought that robbing the actual mourners of the dead to be a big ‘cash cow’…  I would think all the valuable stuff would be found in robbing the actual grave wouldn’t it??….

I mean let’s look at history, even the ignorant and uneducated thieves of thousands of years ago KNEW….  You don’t rob the Pharoah’s family….  You wait till later that night and dig that sucker up…

I’ve never personally taken a lot of jewelry or cash to a funeral…  Why would you??…  It’s not like you have to pay by the minute to view the dearly departed…  Gruesome…  Like one of those sliding glass thingamajig’s at the really ‘high class’ strip joints where you pay a buck for the slider to go up for 2 minutes….  I mean from what I’ve seen in films and read…

But why rob the mourner’s?…  They won’t have money…  They’re all staying at relatives and eating buffet for the next several days…

I guarantee when they catch these 7 morons they’ll spend the next 5 years being laughed at WHILE being anally raped  for getting a handful of cheap crappy fake gold jewelry and a couple of plates from the buffet…

Cause I keep imagining the guys going back and getting like a Dixie plate full of food with that cheap saran wrap that keeps coming off and trying to run away and keep their food on the plate…

Serves them right…  I hope they lost half their turkey and the cake too…

Enhance your calm…

May 4, 2009, @ 2:52 pm 1 comment

I must now repeat this phrase in my head for the next 9 business days…

I just found out the moron who I’ve been carrying on this project for the last 6 months is going to be ‘retained’ (because he’s willing to take a pay cut) while I will be leaving (because I refuse to take a pay cut)…

This is a guy who while on our project ‘together’ did at most 20% to 25% of the workload, took 2 to 3 hour lunches, refused to follow instructions, cannot retain information unless it is tattooed on his forehead backwards and a mirror is in hand, showed up late 95% of his shifts (while making sure to leave ‘right on time’) in addition to scamming the company out of overtime pay by fabricating his time on site from the ether, and is constantly waving the ‘family issues’ banner (poor little him)…

Guess who did the other 75% to 80%… Showed up on time everyday… Did the job to the letter… Worked all the overtime he charged and probably even ‘gifted’ the company some time cause he didn’t want to bother to figure out the percentage of 5 minutes in an hour… Took on additional responsibilities…  Has a son with Down Syndrome amongst his brood and was still at work everyday ontime and rarely missed a shift…

The results of the project: According to the company I am currently working for (national company mind you) and their own little ‘flag waving aren’t we great’ e-mail blasts they send to everyone in the nation.  “We” (I) set the standard nation wide, when we went live (meaning all our work was being used ‘in production’) there were less than 1% of the issues reported that were the result of  ‘our groups’ work.  Meaning the moron they had me working with let something slip by that I was unable to catch like I did most of the other times he screwed up!

Why won’t I take a pay cut? Let’s see… I set the STANDARD NATION F’ING WIDE!!…  I gave a substantial break on my hourly rate when I took the gig originally because it was close to my home and it was to be a temp to perm gig…  Then when I was told the job was NOT going to become a perm position (5 months into my “3 month temp to perm” contract) and I was required to drive triple the mileage for the next 6 months if I wanted to remain here I negotiated a raise to compensate for the additional cost which was agreed upon and a contract signed…  Two weeks later I was told I would not be getting the ‘contractually agreed upon’ increase and additionally I would be required to take a 7.5% decrease in pay to retain my position…

Oh and most importantly… I DON’T HAVE TOO!!!

I refused to take the cut in pay (again mind you, I gave them a substantial rate break in the beginning remember) .

Yeah, businesses and the technology industry deserve what they get when they treat the people who truly care about their jobs in this manner and keep the congenitally moronic and lazy.

Muslim beheads wife to improve image…

February 17, 2009, @ 12:48 pm 3 comments

I’m sorry but obviously there is a severe difference in beliefs as to what is required to improve one’s image here…..

I mean true, I’m not a Muslim, but I’m pretty sure that cutting off your spouses head is not really a ‘main stream Muslim’ person’s first solution to the thought of being divorced….   Maybe to hire an arbitrator would have been a better course of action….

This guy is obviously a ‘Jerry Falwell religious school of learning’ type cause an extremist is an extremist no matter which religion your in folks….

–(just had to save the article and jot my initial reaction, more to come on this after I let it simmer a little longer)

Oh goody, ‘Octomom’ sees signs from God….

February 10, 2009, @ 10:03 pm 2 comments

Angelina Jolie’s ego overflow, aka ‘Octomom’ (Nadya Suleman) recently said, “the octuplets were a sign from God that she should stop having children”,……

Yeah, maybe that and the fact that her uterus finally fell out when she walked out of the fucking hospital…

I mean I really feel ripped off here people…  In the Middle Ages,  those people got Joan of Ark and we get the an unemployed trollop fucking sponge on society who “just wants to have lots of kids to love” in order to make up for some deficiency in her own life….

Ain’t that sweet…..  BUY A FUCKING PUPPY!!!!   Hell go to the shelter if it’ll make you feel better about yourself but STOP  POLLUTING THE GENE POOL FOR THE REST OF US!!!!  Don’t make me call an ‘Adults Only Swim’ cause I’ll do it….  I’ll pull your stupid ass out of the pool and put you on the bench for everyone to see what a dumb ass you are and how you couldn’t handle the responsibility of actually being in WATER!!!….

I’m also wondering what this say’s about people’s so called “God” and his tremendous decline in standards as of late…  I mean other than Obama he’s not really helping out the right people… Or at the very least the right people aren’t thanking him publicly….

Other than at sporting events…   Oh and celebrity award show ceremonies…

Pork or Fowl???

November 20, 2008, @ 8:51 am 1 comment

Got some family coming in for the holiday and I’m in a bit of a quandary as I was unable to order my Turducken in time…..

What do you folks think, should I get the Spiral Cut Ham (which my Jewish wife secretly LOVES, but you can’t tell her family) or go with the tried and true (and nominated by Benjamin Franklin as our national bird instead of the Bald Eagle) Turkey?

I suppose I could just get a smaller one of both and go that way too….

Clay Aiken Comes out of the closet…

September 24, 2008, @ 9:35 am 2 comments

You know, I really don’t think the closet this guy was in was too ‘deep’, maybe it was more like a cardboard ‘moving box’….  You know one of those really sturdy ones you can put a metal bar in to hang all your closet stuff when you move (they are VERY helpful), but how is this news???….

Is there anyone out there that is TRULY shocked by the news that Clay Aiken is gay?…  I mean OTHER than his mother and possibly his father, but come on man you HAD to suspect it, and maybe the former fans of Liberace….

These obtuse middle aged women fans are a phenomenon I do not understand….  These are women who will probably all vote for McCain and would consider themselves ‘conservatives’ so they are ‘religiously opposed’ to homosexuality, yet when it comes to entertainment they LOVE to see a guy who is OBVIOUSLY gay perform as long as he doesn’t ‘flaunt it’ in front of them in public by living his life as he wants…

I don’t get it, I mean I’m straight I just don’t get it…  HOW COULD ANYONE NOT HAVE KNOWN???…   I’m not opposed to homosexuality, HELL I live in San Francisco if I was I would have a SERIOUS issue!!!!….

I’m glad that I live in a city where people can be themselves and not have to worry, for the most part, about doing everything all the rest of us enjoy with our partner…  I’d think just being able to hold hands in public and give one another a quick peck on the lips has got to be a hell of a thing to enjoy when you can’t do it in most other places in the world…  No one cares here, it’s not an issue just as it shouldn’t be anywhere, who cares, it’s not like you have to sit there and watch them….  Though that can be HOT too!!!…  Sorry I couldn’t resist the urge to throw in a stupid joke….  But you get my point.

It’s just not news….

Entourage Season 27….

September 17, 2008, @ 3:46 pm 2 comments

This is just for my ‘future television shows’ idea box….

What we have here is a story for a 2 to 4 show arc from Season 27 of Entourage…..

Nobody can really say it better…

September 15, 2008, @ 1:30 pm Leave a comment

Bill Maher had some GREAT New Rules on his Sept. 12, 2008 show…

Great that he points out there were 42 Meth Lab busts in Sarah Palin’s home county!!!  Plus all the other “I’m from a ‘small town’ so I’m BETTER than you.” fecal matter conservative’s like to spew.

Richard Wright, Shine On…

September 15, 2008, @ 11:43 am 1 comment

Pink Floyd is now down another original member, Richard Wright got to take the final trip this morning.

Wish You Were Here….

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