Archive
It’s called a Podcast Gracie…
I’m starting to think that Podcasting is bringing about a second ‘Golden Age’ of radio comedy, without all that pesky Tokyo Rose type interference. At this point there are not enough executive’s involved to screw up the writing, so if your not already listening I’d suggest you start. In fact, I would suggest downloading and backing up everything you like now before the FCC and executives in general get involved and muck it all up. Also, I’m not even going to suggest who you listen too, if you want to know who I listen too just look at previous postings and follow the links.
Just to make my point, let me tell you a couple stories that have nothing to do with Podcasting.
I was, surprisingly, somewhat of a smart ass as a kid and could fit in pretty much with any group. It was one of the techniques I used, being moved around a lot as a child, using comedy to weave my way through the land mines of American High Schools throughout the Mid-West and Southeast. But ultimately my friends I spent my off time with were of the techie (this is early 80’s mind you too, techies had to wait for the A/V cart to use the one Mac in school) and comic book variety.
Now in the mid to late 80’s a friend and I were comic shop diving after smoking weed, which helps in the appreciation of the artwork and the attitude of most shop owners. And we stumbled across the First Run Brand New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now stop the tittering for a second and let me just tell you, this used to be a cool book. They were adult oriented and really one of the first ‘graphic’ type comics. They were not only a graphic novel but a graphic comic book series, this was not a one time thing. This was something we loved and cherished and followed for years!
When I joined the Army in the late 80’s it was still pretty unknown. Of course being a soldier and a ‘rebel with a job’ I decided to get a tattoo so I found one of my favorite graphic pics of Leonardo as I enjoyed that character. The tattoo artist was bemused to say the least as apparently TMNT had not hit the ‘shores’ of Wichita Falls, TX., which has neither Falls or any Wichita’s left (from what I saw there were only white people). She had to create the template and I made her redo it about 4 times before I’d get the work done because I wanted it done right, she was really pissed off but understood I wouldn’t get it if she didn’t do it right. So I got the work done eventually and went about my life with what I felt was surely the most unique and individualistic piece of artistic body art that anyone would ever see.
Two years later some Executive’s child somewhere found a copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and ruined my life forever. They bastardized it and kiddie-fied it beyond recognition. Now every time someone sees my Ninja Turtle tattoo I get the ‘look’ that says, “Are you a retard or just a dumb ass?” End of story one in which an executive and the general public become involved and ruined my life.
Our second event occurs at a time shortly before Universal Studios Florida in Orlando opened their second theme park, Islands of Adventure a Comic Book Themed park. I’ve also noticed, as I write this, that this story also involves comic book characters and I am an even bigger dork than even I previously thought was possible for any 42 year old adult male that is able to walk the earth without a leash attached and a group home being involved… But I digress.
Before Islands of Adventure was opened publicly they did what is known as a ‘soft opening’, the park was open but not advertised. This is a period in which they were testing the rides for the first time with general public riders. If you purchased an annual pass at that time you got several months free for being a human guinea pig and crash test dummy. Of course I said great and bought passes for the whole family!
I am unequivocally a roller coaster ‘nut’ and one of the great joys I have in life now is being able to go on roller coasters with my kids because my wife is a big wimp (she’s 4’11” tall so this is a ‘little’ in joke). During this testing phase of the facility I rode every coaster in that park multiple times again and again. I would go down on days I was off work and the kids were in school and ride for 5 hours and get to school to pick them up. It was great those rides were fast and threw you around perfectly with no jerkiness or rough rides, you’d get positive G’s and negative G’s and get off the rides with the biggest erection you ever saw on a person, women included.
About a week before the park opened I went by for one last unadulterated ‘fling’ with my lover before she was put out on the street for cash. I got on The Hulk, it took off but something was wrong. I thought “Maybe I’m just getting too used too this?” But as we were coming around the last few loops and curves in the back, the ride got all jerky and started throwing your head around smacking it on both sides into the damned restraints. In fact if you happened to be, like me, holding your hands on either side there you would pummel yourself in the face with rapid knuckle punches. It was really very refreshing for your first ride of the day!
I got off a little perplexed with minor bruising and asked one of the operators on the disembarkation side of the ride, “Hey what’s up, the rides slower and I just beat the hell out of my skull?” His reply, “Oh they slowed down all the rides because of the test groups, all the older people said they were too fast.” And with that he popped a zit and went back to touching patrons who were getting on the ride next.
This totally pissed me off, didn’t this kids parents realize he needed a Dermatologist! There were Engineers involved here who designed these rides to go “so fast” in order to allow for the ride to be smooth and work properly. But now a damned Focus Group had over ridden those decisions and apparently physics! The stupidest part is that it is obvious when you ride those rides now that by running them slower they cause more stress on the supports. That’s why the rides are now ‘jerky’ at some points, they are not going at the intended speed to prevent that action. Also they are stressing the ride and destroying it more quickly and then next thing you know Fabio gets hit in the face by a low flying Goose on a roller coaster.
So what do we learn from all this? Well first, everyone other than me is stupid and wants to ruin my life specifically apparently, because I’m not allowed to have any joy. But more importantly, hopefully I’ve proven my point.
If you like comedy and want to hear some great stuff that’s free and has not had the chance to be destroyed by the General Public Bitching, Executives or Government Oversight then for the love of a God I don’t even believe in please, Support Your Favorite Comedy Podcasts.
Because George and Gracie would be on one if they could (and they would be great at it too)!
Positive * Negative = LIES ITS ALL LIES…
If everything you see on television and read in the newspapers is true (or a positive).
And everything you see online is a lie and false (or a negative).
That means that when I see anything that was broadcast on TV or read anything that was printed in the papers online it instantly becomes false.
Because as we all learned in High School when you combine a positive and a negative it becomes a negative…
I KNEW Lindsay Lohan would never go to prison… Lying Bastards at TMZ…
Clifford Stoll will blow one for you…
Clifford Stoll was an internet pundit back in the mid 90’s. I saw him give a lecture when I was in college for Computer Science at Cameron University in OK, where education is blowin’ cross the plains (sorry I broke out into the musical Oklahoma for a second there)…
ANYWAY, Cliff said the internet would never work because we’re all basically “people who need people” (are the luckiest people… maybe I shouldn’t have fallen asleep to ‘Westside Story’…). He had a book out at the time which is referenced above when you click the link attached to his name.
A friend and I were talking about it recently so this is for you Paul, where are they now? Blowing useless glass objects and selling them on the internet!
Not everyone with wacky hair can be a Nostradamus.
And so begins the Revolution…
The Revolution has begun folks,…
An iPad shot a Kindle in Massachusetts today…
A Zune is riding West to warn the citizenry…
Of course the irony is no one listens to a Zune…
Take THAT Alanis Morissette!
iPad…
I love my iPhone, I’ll never get an iPad though…. but then I’m a ‘light flow’ kind of guy…
He’s a friend of OURS…
So this friend of mine comes up to me the other day… and he says: Ed, I notice alot of your jokes start with a friend or family member who comes up to you and asks you a question alot…. What’s UP WITH THAT?!?!?!?….
It’s simple really… I WIKI!!!!…. I’m the answer guy… so piss off….
Family History…
I was doing research online and found that my family came here from Germany in 1789… and they were Jewish… Yeah, my first though was “Oh crap… There are like no Jews in show business…” Maybe I should reconsider… all this…
SO yeah they were Jewish… and I guess in 1789 the family name was Walk… AND they were really PROACTIVE in escaping from Hitler… kinda fills you with pride really!!!… they spotted the signs like 140, 145 years before anyone…
But this really opens all kinds of new doors for me as a comedian…. There are so FEW ethnic jokes regarding Judaism…
I’m also part Native America… Shawnee… Can you imagine the crap that guy got from his Jewish Mother?!?!…. I figure if I keep researching, I’ll also find I’m part African and Muslim… and begin bombing myself…
My brother started using that Native American part to get the ladies early on… Anytime a woman tells him she’s got a little Indian in her,… he asks her if she’d like a little more…
It’s kind of hard for me… finding out I’m Jewish, on several levels… I mean, I come from Hillbillies, so half of the family wants to kill me cause their being targeted by racist organizations now… the other half wants to kill me cause their being KICKED OUT of their racist organizations… I feel bad about it… some of those folks need the Neo-Nazi Bowling League… it’s the only exercise many of them get…
It’s also hard, because I’m an Atheist… AND NOW!!!… NOW I find out that I’m one of God’s ‘chosen’ people… oops… but you know now that I’m a CHOSEN ONE… I may have to reconsider…
It’s also really disappointing finding out my family was Jewish and came here in the late 18th century…. Because in NINE generations not one them accumulated any viable wealth to pass on TO ME!!!…. kind of makes me wonder if we weren’t kicked OUT… “Alright, Hirahm…. ve’ve been looking at the Zionist conspiracy accounting figures here… and ve see your not doing your part to take over the vorld here…. SOOO, if you don’t vant to take over the old vorld,… maybe veel send you to the new… see vhat you can do over dere… you do a good job taking over the new vorld maybe… MAYBE ve bring you back.”
Just note that I’m doing this act in the U.S. folks… I think we know how that turned out….
iBlog
Qwerty keyboards suck for bolgging….
Another genius iPhone App idea….
I have an idea for another iPhone Application that I’m going to begin developing…
It’s a video game you can play using your colonoscopy feed streaming live as the background image… Right now the ‘working title’ is “Anal Invaders”…. But that may change after I do some market research….
I figure it will give patients with an iPhone (or 3G phone) something to do while their on the table with that video camera up their bum….
Enhance your calm…
I must now repeat this phrase in my head for the next 9 business days…
I just found out the moron who I’ve been carrying on this project for the last 6 months is going to be ‘retained’ (because he’s willing to take a pay cut) while I will be leaving (because I refuse to take a pay cut)…
This is a guy who while on our project ‘together’ did at most 20% to 25% of the workload, took 2 to 3 hour lunches, refused to follow instructions, cannot retain information unless it is tattooed on his forehead backwards and a mirror is in hand, showed up late 95% of his shifts (while making sure to leave ‘right on time’) in addition to scamming the company out of overtime pay by fabricating his time on site from the ether, and is constantly waving the ‘family issues’ banner (poor little him)…
Guess who did the other 75% to 80%… Showed up on time everyday… Did the job to the letter… Worked all the overtime he charged and probably even ‘gifted’ the company some time cause he didn’t want to bother to figure out the percentage of 5 minutes in an hour… Took on additional responsibilities… Has a son with Down Syndrome amongst his brood and was still at work everyday ontime and rarely missed a shift…
The results of the project: According to the company I am currently working for (national company mind you) and their own little ‘flag waving aren’t we great’ e-mail blasts they send to everyone in the nation. “We” (I) set the standard nation wide, when we went live (meaning all our work was being used ‘in production’) there were less than 1% of the issues reported that were the result of ‘our groups’ work. Meaning the moron they had me working with let something slip by that I was unable to catch like I did most of the other times he screwed up!
Why won’t I take a pay cut? Let’s see… I set the STANDARD NATION F’ING WIDE!!… I gave a substantial break on my hourly rate when I took the gig originally because it was close to my home and it was to be a temp to perm gig… Then when I was told the job was NOT going to become a perm position (5 months into my “3 month temp to perm” contract) and I was required to drive triple the mileage for the next 6 months if I wanted to remain here I negotiated a raise to compensate for the additional cost which was agreed upon and a contract signed… Two weeks later I was told I would not be getting the ‘contractually agreed upon’ increase and additionally I would be required to take a 7.5% decrease in pay to retain my position…
Oh and most importantly… I DON’T HAVE TOO!!!
I refused to take the cut in pay (again mind you, I gave them a substantial rate break in the beginning remember) .
Yeah, businesses and the technology industry deserve what they get when they treat the people who truly care about their jobs in this manner and keep the congenitally moronic and lazy.
I abhore Lotus Notes….
but then what else can you expect from an MCSE/Comedian…
So for those of you out there who are also involved with tech as a day job and you then get stuck in a shop that uses Lotus, as opposed to Exchange like virtually every other company on the face of the planet, I recently found this link and there are several others if you just Google….
But the point is if you haven’t used Lotus since around 1996 or 1997 this and the others like it are a good free resource from IBM to get yourself caught up…
An open letter to the Fucktards who stole my iPod….
Dear Fucktards ,
Hi there, I’d really like to thank you for helping me to start my week off with a bang! It was really nice to come out this morning and find upon entering my vehicle (the part where I said ‘my’ is key here) that some scum wad lamer fucktard had stolen my 30GB Video iPod! I also really enjoyed how you made me late for work as I got to hang around talking to the cop while he dusted my car for prints, he found a couple that were usable so I can only hope that: 1-they are not my prints, and 2-that you are the kind of inbred ass who’s been busted before and are on file. I also appreciate how you damaged the lock on my car door so I can no longer put my key into it and use it to unlock the vehicle!! That was COOL you gansta you!!! Luckily for me I also have keyless entry, so I can still lock and unlock my vehicle if I don’t happen to have a decent screwdriver with me!
Just a couple notes for you on the iPod and the Monster cable you stole so you’ll have a better ‘experience’. That Monster cable has been in use going on 3 years now and it’s pretty much at the ‘end of life’ for a wire, I hope it sets your family and car on fire while your all sleeping in it tonight!
The iPod itself was actually purchased in early 2005 and the battery does not hold a charge for as long as the specifications state it should, so you’ll need to keep it plugged in if you want to listen for extended periods of time. Also, you’ll find that using the device to watch video will really drain that sucker quick so I hope you can watch your porn on fast forward and read lips…. No not THOSE lips, the ones up on the actresses skull….
I was actually already going to replace that iPod with an iPhone, I have a need for one being as I’m developing an application for them anyway. But I’d just like you to know you basically ripped off a 12 year old kid with Down Syndrome since I was going to be giving it (my old iPod) to my son once I got the iPhone. Since I don’t believe in the whole ‘god’ thing I can’t really wish you to burn in hell, that would just be kind of silly….. Just like believing in a ‘God’….
I can however hope for this:
You also, in the course of your burglary of my vehicle, decided to steal my back up sunglasses. First may I just say that you have really great taste in eyewear, what you stole were a pair of Rayban’s (model W2178) that I have had since 1994 (yeah I take good care of my stuff). The funny thing about those glasses are that in all the time I’ve had them I’ve never once seen another person wearing a pair of them… We live in a fairly small town here, please, please, please wear them in public!!! I can only hope that I get to see them placed gently atop your cranium at one point in the near or distant future as I will be making them a permanent part of your skeletal structure…. As your a moronic mouth breathing violently infected penis wrinkle let me explain what his means…. I’m going to be smashing them extremely vigorously and with great speed into your skull, as they will be between my fist and your face!!! So enjoy them while you can!!!
Regards,
Ed.
–be sure to look for a future ‘Open Letter’ for Apple in regards to their ‘help’ in this situation!!!
1234567890……
If you should happen to be so geek chic that you get why this number was significant (at least it was at 3:31:30 PM Pacific) I just want to tell you to take a moment……
Sit down…..
Turn your brain to 0 (zero) and just relax…..
Sorry no one other than ‘us’ got that joke…
Now get ready cause 4:20 is coming up soon and it’s a little more ‘universal’….
Just in case a black hole swallows the earth tomorrow…
In the event that a black hole begins to consume the planet tomorrow, it will start from Europe… Man you guys have some luck over there, first you have Hitler, Mussolini, that French guy Sarkozy and now this…
Well it’s comforting to know that if they destroy the earth tomorrow I should ‘theoretically’ have time to max out all my credit cards before the black hole get’s here… So if the world end’s tomorrow I won’t be posting just so you know…
I also find it amusing to think that even if we destroy the earth the space cockroaches and sea monkeys will survive…
(But just so you know, Stephen Hawking is betting against the end of the earth tomorrow… so there’s that.)
Damn it feels good to be a Geeksta…
First day of the NFL season….
I have about 20 tabs going to track various fantasy teams and players stats…
42″ HD Widescreen Plasma with surround sound….
WIreless high speed DSL…. and NO network lag…
3 monitors in the home office to help split up and follow various ‘concerns’ in my domains,…
And rocking 2 Computers…
Damn it feels good to be a Geeksta…
Buying a Wii in the U.S., what a crock…..
So I finally broke down this week and went out to buy my kids a Wii…. I mean it’s been out for over 2 years now so I shouldn’t have to go through a lot of crap to get this now right??? Wrong.
Nintendo’s corporate officers must be some of the most moronic anal intakes on the face of the planet…. I ended up going to 9 stores yesterday to hear, ‘Sorry, we’re out’ from every Mensa candidate manning a counter…. But it’s not the stores or the employee’s of those stores that are at fault in reality.
Nintendo does not send as much product here because they have to set the price point too low in America in order to sell them…. Hmmmm, perhaps you should have included some type of HD compatibility/content in the device if you really wanted to compete with PS3 or the Xbox 360 then, don’t hold myself and other consumers hostage due to YOUR lack of fore sight!… Sorry but OPEN YOUR EYES!!!!!…. Now I realize some of you may find this offensive,…. at least once it dawns on you that I just told a bunch of Asian executives to open their eyes….
Tough shit!!! I’m pissed, here I am TRYING to selflessly prop up the world economy and being ‘Wii blocked’ by a bunch of stupid ‘little people’ who didn’t have the vision to abandon their island when we bombed them!!!…. I live in San Francisco with MANY, MANY Asians…. Let me just blow the whole ‘intelligence’ stereotype right here and now…. Asians are really, for the most part, stupid arrogant little yellow people who ‘think’ they are better than everyone else…. If they’re so intelligent why didn’t they realize they needed to grow tall enough to reach something on the top shelf????
And for those of you out there who don’t know, let me just tell you now….. There is NOTHING that will turn your day around and ‘perk’ you right up like berating, bellowing and screaming at an annoying little Asian who has been a rude minuscule elvin ass when your trying to walk through a store, subway or on the street…. They step right in front of you in lines, push past you, practically run over your kids (even the special needs ones)…. They just don’t care to TRY and assimilate to our society…. Well no one ASKED you to move HERE, you decided to do that, SO FUCKING BE POLITE before I decide to squish you so badly you look like the urine stain on the ‘street of society’ that you truly are!!!
UNLIKE myself….. When I’ve been to Japan I’ve taken the lessons learned on the ‘Streets of San Francisco‘ and applied them there…. I push people around, step in front of them and stomp on their children, it makes me feel like Godzirra…. Oddly though, they found me rude when I did this in their country of origin??? Could it be that they’ve been using this ‘It’s just a cultural difference’ excuse in the hopes that we wouldn’t realize it???
In FACT I think they are really squinting their eyes all the time in public!!! Natural selection would have NEVER made someone’s eyes like that…. You don’t see any ‘slant’ eyed feral dogs and cats roaming your neighborhood’s out there do you?….. How bout the apes, do any of the great apes have squinty little untrustworthy eyes???? NO!!!! Like I said they’re a bunch of little poser bitches.
I can’t give ye anymore power Captain….
The rocket loaded with Scotty’s ashes failed to make it to space…..
Kind of ironic that the guy known for giving his commanding officer ‘more power’ on any occassion was ultimately unable to get his own fat ass into orbit for his final repose (or failing grab for fame may be more accurate here)….
Take THAT Alanis Morissette… that’s REAL IRONY… write that up in a little ditty….
Karma says no comedy tonight!
If I believed in god or something else irrelevant, like The Force, I would think that tonight was a sign…
I left the house driving my merry way to the train station to go into town and do tonights open mike at The Brainwash….
Drive out of driveway, check… pull out of subdivision, check…. drive down mountain and say sarcastically to self, “Cool view of the Pacific, it fucking sucks that I moved here.”, check…. Apply brakes to stop as approaching bottom of mountain, OH SHIT HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM!!!
You got it no brakes, thank the frakin’ creator (sorry Battlestar Galactica reference) I got a car with a manual transmission kids or it would a been a really squishy mess, ‘Blood on the Highway’ starring me would have been showing in drivers ed classes for years…. So, no yuck yucks tonight…. but I DO get to keep breathing for a bit longer so it’s a wash I figure.
Got the car to the shop about 5pm PST where I had the front brakes done in April this year and we find that the rear brakes lost 2 bolts and the caliper is totally fried (left rear, for the really mechanically curious)…. Luckily I am an anal retentive jerk, so I whipped out the receipt and warranty from when I had the BOTH rear brakes and calipers replace in April of 2007 via the local Goodyear/Gemini when I was still in Florida…. I knew the big move was close, even last year, so I got the work done at a national place with 24 month or 24,000 mile warranty,…. so we’re safe on BOTH counts, less than 24 months since the work and a little under 20,000 miles since the work was done….
SO, guess who’s calling Goodyear/Gemini’s national warranty department between 6am and 6pm MST tomorrow????
If you guessed me YOUR RIGHT, but none the less I still wouldn’t sign up for Jeopardy based on just that question. I’ll keep you appraised of the situation…
Slightly used Memory Palace for sale…
I have what they call an ‘above average’ IQ…. But I tend to get distracted and annoyed easily…. It’s a problem… when you KNOW your always right…. I know some of you know what I’m talking about… roughly 2% if the current figures hold….
Have you ever heard of a Memory Palace?…. it’s a memory system based on rooms, you ‘build a palace’ in your head and you just put things you want to remember in the rooms of that palace… get it…. The only problem is my Memory Palace is a fixer upper…. I keep MEANING to finishing things but then I move on to the next room….
Plus it’s always dusty with all the construction…. Let’s just not go there anymore….
Network Admin’s Gone Wild
So this Network Admin for the City of San Francisco, set up a booby trap to destroy city records…. He says he’s a ‘scapegoat’ because his ‘incompetent’ supervisors are ‘envious of his abilities in computer networking‘…
I’m a computer geek by trade too and let me just tell you….. NO ONE IS ENVIOUS OF OUR ABILITIES…. come on… I mean I DELIBERATELY DON’T mention it in public!!…. I don’t want all the questions…. No one’s asking a Proctologist to look into their ass at parties, why me?!?!?
But I don’t talk about computer stuff unless I’m in a room full of computers and other geeks!!! It’s like Star Trek and Porn, you JUST DON’T MENTION IT unless your AT THE CONVENTION CENTER!!!… It’s just bad form!?!?!
I’ve NEVER SEEN a girls eyes light up when I mentioned I had broadband DSL and I don’t expect to in the future, so get over yourself out there psycho IT guys…. Your making the rest of us look bad, it was hard enough before, JUST when we finally START to get some cache…. PSYCHO IT GUY in the news!!! Thanks A LOT!
Black Holes Know No Color…
Apparently, some Dallas County Commissioners got into an argument recently because one of the white guys used the term ‘black hole’ in a meeting…. No, he wasn’t talking about a secretary’s ass….
This is funny to me cause in a real Black Hole, there is NO LIGHT!!!! Ergo, there is no FUCKING COLOR!!!!
Leave it to a couple of dumb ass politicians to make one of the FEW places in the universe where color REALLY DOESN’T MATTER AN ISSUE!!!!….
God help us all if one of these guys brings up ‘Dark Matter‘ at a future meeting!
Open Mike part deux…
OK, so last night I did another open mike, this time at Annie’s Social Club, it was run by Jeff and Chad, they seemed nice and ran things well. They were too busy to have any long winded conversations with me, so like I said they seemed nice and I was able to make them chuckle at least a couple of times while I was on stage so I’m happy with it, it’s a tough room as EVERYONE there was a comedian looking for stage time. But also to get a laugh out of them is good, I should think, so I’m feeling pretty good.
The show kicked off a little late but who really care’s no one’s paying us for this right!?!?!? It went ok, I tried to re-work my little intro and a couple others I did last week:
John McLaughlin and the Great Cookie Controversy
The rest of the set was stuff I have written in the last week since I did the open mike last Thursday at The Brainwash. I realized that that set I did with all the drinking stuff just seemed like ‘mostly filler’ to me… Some of it is funny stuff but it also seems (to me at least) like it’s a bit like softball, you can get a good hit but it’s still not as satisfying as whacking that fucking HARDBALL out of the park…. So I need to be a little more gutsy and believe in my stuff a little more. Nothing I write here is ever performed word for word so I really just need to get comfortable with myself on stage and I think I should be fine… But I ramble…
So the rest of the set from last night I performed was:
WIkiholic (I had written this in but I did not perform it as I felt I would not have time for the last joke)
Arby’s Philly Beef Toasted Sub
When a Man Loves a Woman….and Another Woman
Some worked better than others but again I think alot of it is my timing so I’m going to keep working on most of these I believe. The Man Loves a Woman bit has had a quick edit since last nights performance… I had a song tacked on to the end to the tune of ‘Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes’, it was rough but then again so was my singing voice…. It seemed funny in my skull, so anyway, I added another ‘tip’ for the planners and I’ll see how it goes over next time.
So before people ask, everything I do is based in reality yes, it’s my life and I just have a way of coping with it by trying to laugh at it, otherwise it’d be FUCKING tragic, really… I’d say of the jokes I do……. 85% is reality, 17% is bullshit and exaggeration (yes I KNOW that is MORE than 100% but like those survey jerks, my jokes have a +/- of 3% in accuracy, which is just a statisticians slimy way of saying they can REALLY be off by 6% folks)!!!
So I hope people keep enjoying it and I appreciate the comments!–Ed.
Wikiholic
I like searching random things I hear on the street in Wikipedia, just to see how ‘up to date’ they really are… Here is my report:
Taint—In there
D.L.—as in ‘he’s on the DL’—In there
Epicurianism—in there…. Epicurius, it’s a philosophical principle… That’s ok…Before I looked it up I thought it had something to do with feet.
Hooptie—Not in there!
Fistula—IN THERE and GROSS… It’s a disease, my wife’s a nurse,.. you hear things!
Asshole—in there…. Again my wife…. Sorry, I’m a touch typist…
GET OFF THE FUCKING COMPUTER—Not in there….. But this is where I stopped writing this joke….
String Theory.
I heard a GREAT joke about alternate universes the other night at The Punchline….
It inspired me to write a joke about String Theory…. But I ended up just getting stoned and watching Nova in HIgh Def….
I’m kidding, not really, but there was one part where they were explaining the reason for the Big Bang using a loaf of bread as a metaphor for alternate universes….. That’s actually where I got lost cause I wandered off and made a really good peanut butter and jelly sandwich,….. blackberry jam actually…. it was yummy.
That’s why I love String Theory though,… it can prove everything is connected from alternate universes to jelly sandwiches.
Deadpan Drollery© 
What the Peep’s are sayin’