fantasy

My D&D Adventure

Standard

This is from like… Four years ago. Just to keep the time line accurate.

Oh man. Yesterday was so good. Especially the D&D session.

After writing, I started taking care of some to-do list things. I cleaned the litter box, swept the room, and even mopped it with my Swifter. There’s a foam mat that I keep the cat’s food and water bowls on. I got that cleaned, too. Bonus points!

I took out the trash. I cleaned out my car. I even picked up the cigarette butts along the front stoop of the apartment and around the balconies. They weren’t all mine, but I know the wind sometimes blows them out of the ashtray I have and I figured I would be a good tenant and clean up a bit.

I washed the dishes and put the roast in the fridge once it was once cooking. I didn’t have time for anything else since I had to leave for counseling.

I got to tell my counseler the good news about my follow-up appointment. We talked about the progress with Jon moving to Nebraska. We talked about work. We spent a fair amount of time talking about my social experiement. We also started touching on the subject of summer and how I might not take a class, opting for some down time instead.

She said we would explore the topic of summer next time, but agrees that even though it’s only the end of February, I’ve already had a pretty intense time. I’ve had surgery, Jon is moving, Dagger had surgery, I’ve reconnected with my dad, I’ve been attending school… So many intense things… It would be nice to breath for a bit and just chill. Especially if Jon and I are going to be rooming together. We both will need to figure out our new norm and having time to spend together doing things would be nice. I’m also not sure what my financial situation will be during the summer and the thought of having to pay of a class I really don’t want to take out of pocket doesn’t motivate me very much.

So counseling was good. I like how she lets me know what she wants to delve into for our next sessions. It lets me think about things through the week so I can figure things out.

I met with Ox for lunch. I called the apartment complex Jon wanted me to look at. After Ox and I were done eating I went and looked at the two floor plans we’re interested in. Currently they only have 3rd floor units available, the apartments are pretty nice though. We’re going to wait to see about the new apartments in Hickman. We should know more about those today.

I came back to the apartment after talking to Jon about my tour. I paid rent. I emailed Ox my updated D&D papers since he got the printer at the house working. It prints the sheets perfectly so I don’t have to fight with mine. Score.

I finished doing meal prep. Washed some more dishes. Put my clothes away. I showered finally. By then it was time to head to D&D.

God it was soooooooooooooooo good. So good. XD

Our characters had agreed to try to stop the seaside operation of the smuggling ring we had found. My character asked if we could keep the ship, since we would be killing everyone on it, finders keepers right? The town leader agreed we could keep the ship. When I asked if we could keep the good on the ship he became more hesitant. We were trying to stop the smuggling, right? Wouldn’t keeping the goods make us smugglers, too?

Dagger: Well… I mean… You guys are already missing these goods. You’re hiring us to stop more bad stuff from happening. And it’s on the ship that will shortly be ours, so finders keepers.

The town leader relectantly agreed.

Our party headed back to the house and waited until dusk. We signaled to the ship that arrived that it was safe and they responded for us to come unload the goods.

As we were discussing out plan of action I told the party of a cool spell I could do where I made myself a disguse. Much to the panic of the rest of the party, they agreed that my plan sounded good and that I would be the emmissary between us and the smugglers on the boat. XD

Soooo goooooood.

I disgused myself as the hobgoblin we had captured and interigated. I got our party onto the ship. As were were beginning to unload the cargo there was a commotion on deck. The rogue in our party and entered combate. I dashed back onto the deck, reaching into my bag of tricks. When I threw my fuzzy object at one of the smugglers my Giant Badger appeared and began causing chaos. It was great.

Unfortantuely, I died like… four different times in this encounter. My character doesn’t have a lot of hit points, and during the initial alarm, more smugglers joined the encounter, with me in the center of it. Each time our other cleric tried to heal me, a smuggler would take a shot at me and reduce me back to 0 hit poitns.

Dagger: Hooray, I’m up! Goddamit!

Overall, it was a good encounter, and I’m grateful for the other cleric in our party. Once everyone was dead and my character was alive again, I began sulking becasue that was NOT how my character thought things would go down.

Dagger: This mission sucks. And there were the spiders before that and the trip across the sea before that. You’re an asshole, Sir Ick.

My character reached into her bag of tricks again, this time congering a boar. I had it charge and one of the closed doors, reveling some lizardfolk. I couldn’t understand what they were saying so I told Sir Ick to kill them because they deserved to die, and continued opening doors.

I wasn’t finding anyting on interest, which frustrated my character more. When I opened the door to galley, I took a frying pan and stalked over to one of the smugglers who had surrended to us.

I pointed at him with the frying pan.

Dagger: You! Where are the shiny things?!

Smuggler: What to you mean? There are tons of shiny things.

Dagger: I don’t me fire shiny things. I mean shiny shiny things. Magical shiny things would be even better.

Smuggler: They’re all over the place.

Dagger: Show me!

So the tied up smuggler proceeds to take to me one of the doors off of the main deck. I have him enter the room in front of me, followed by my boar because fuck getting ambushed. The room he took me to was well furnished with a couch and bed and all sorts of stuff.

Dagger: Get out!

The smuggler backed out of the room and I slammed the door, curling up on the couch to sulk.

God, it was so good! XD

I am enjoying this character so much. She’s total chaos and the polar opposite of anything I am in real life. It’s so fun and freeing to play her personality.

So that’s were D&D left off. Ox and I came home. I went to bed. He tried making his mini on HeroForge, but the app crashed on him shortly before he finished it, so now he has to start all over. I know that must have sucked.

As far as today goes. I’ve done my morning routine. I feel like I didn’t sleep enough last night, so I’m tired. I have all of chapter six to read, and will have three days worth of notes to type by the end of class today. I also need to finish my meal prep… Blaaaaaahhh…

I’ll figure out how I want to tackle today. Right now, with it being overcast and yucky outside, I’m not thinking today is going to be as productive as myu first two days off. I think that’s ok, though. I’m allowed to have one lazy day out of three, right?

Evening Reflections 019: Fantasy Land

Standard

Written yesterday.
Posted today.

Daily Summary: 

I made it to the gym again yesterday. I’m happy to report that I wasn’t as sore when I work up this morning. After my first class, I spent some time stretching but didn’t do a lot for my quads. For three days after my quads reminded me of how I neglected them by being ridiculously sore. After class yesterday, I spent time stretching again but made sure to spend some time on my quads specifically. I think that is the biggest factor to being mostly alright today.

Since it was a dreary overcast day, I didn’t have a lot of faith in my motivation to get to the gym. Luckily, I had the discipline and inner guilt to get me at least out to my car. Everything after that was easy. I enjoyed the class and feel I did better than my first one. Hopefully, it’s all progress from here. 

Ox came over after work and we spent the day at the rental. A handful of my teammates and I installed Pokemon Go on our phones so we traded information and such. Other than that, it was a quiet day at work. I listened more to Rising Strong by Brene Brown. I did chores during my breaks. Since I was washing the bedding, we had to hang around a little bit after I clocked out of work so I could switch the final comforter to the dryer. Once that task was completed we packed up the kittens and came to the house.

We had discussed plans for the weekend. The goal was/is to spend the weekend here at the house working on the addition. Sunday night we’ll head back to the rental.

I slept deeply last night. I mildly remember having a dream. I remember there were dead bodies in it. I don’t remember the context. I do know I woke up feeling not ok. Grouchy. Irritable. Emotionally raw…

It was a rough start, but Ox and I got through it. We went to Goodwill to get myself some “work pants”. All I have are shorts or thin yoga pants and he didn’t want me doing construction-type work in “improper” clothing. 

I get it… also not going to drop a bunch of money on pants I’m to trash. I found a pair of decent pants for $7 and called it good. We spend most of the morning organizing and cleaning up the second floor. It’s been a while since we’ve worked on the addition and various other projects have been completed in the space. 

We got the area back to a workable condition and even made progress on the rafters for the ductwork. We’re calling it a day for now with the agreement that we finish the rafters tomorrow. That’s our goal for the weekend. Since we won’t have to make impromptu trips into town for clothing tomorrow, we should be able to get it completed. 

I’m looking forward to it. It feels good to be working on something. Even better to be seeing progress for the effort. 

The cats are doing well. They settled in quicker than they did last weekend. 

I did have a message from my brother last night. That was frustrating since it regarded finances. I’m trying not to let him bother me. There are tentative plans for me to see him tomorrow. As petty as it might be, I wouldn’t be heartbroken not to see him for a while. I’m tired of hearing how he’s bought tons of new things for this garden only for him to turn around and say he can’t afford to pay me the amount he agreed to for taking over the lease for him and his partner. 

I’m tired of him telling me how he feels unloved and unsupported while he continually fucks with my financial stability. 

So yeah, I have some feelings to work through and I would rather do it in solitude rather than trying to make him feel better about making shitting choices because I’m not a priority in his life. At the very least, the agreements he has made with me are not a priority. I’m angry over it. Anger is hurt directed outward. I am again having to figure out how to make up for the financial shortcomings of someone else because they felt like other things were more important than keeping their word to me. 

Since I am in the process of living after having cheated on Ox, I guess I really don’t have a right to be angry about someone not keeping their word. Maybe this makes me a hypocrite on top of a cheater. 

Maybe that’s me being self-deprecating. Either way, all of this is food for thought. I’m frustrated with my brother and I’ll work through it.


Random Ramblings: Prompt 7-31
Think about the biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

My number one role was that of partner/companion. I don’t have a vision. At least I don’t think I do. All of that shattered in the aftermath of my honesty. I haven’t figured out a new future or what I would want from it. Maybe that’s why I feel so insecure in this particular area of my life. 

But what the heck… I have time to type… let’s pretend for a little bit that in the future my life isn’t on fire, that I am not having to navigate through broken trust, and that I have a secure feeling of self-worth. 

What would I want in a future like that for/with my partners and companions? What would it look like if I were able to be fully myself without taking into account the wants and needs of others? 

My fantasy future dynamics. How would those look?

I would most likely still live alone, or at the very least have my own space. I like the security of separation. I like knowing there is a space, a place, where I can be alone, that can’t be taken away from me, endangered, or violated by others. 

Maybe an in-law suite off the main house… Something. Something away. Something separate. A “dragon den” instead of a man cave or she-shed. 

I would like to be with Ox as a life partner. I would like Bunny to be there, too. In the future I see, they are closer together. It’s not that there is a primary and secondary position. It’s that I want and need more solitude. I want to be alone, in my own space. 

In my future Bunny and Ox would be living together, so naturally, they would gravitate closer to each other. 

I don’t feel threatened by that. I feel like that would allow both of them to feel fulfilled in ways that I don’t think I can provide. I can’t and don’t want to always be there. They both need or at least make it seem like they want consistency in their companionship. If they had each other to turn to maybe it would be ok for me to be introverted the way I want. 

In Fantasy Future Land, I would be allowed to be polyamorous. If I went to visit Warren or Sir or Blacksmith. If I happened to cross paths with someone in my future and it felt right… I would be able to express and experience that connection fully without anyone feeling hurt. People would understand that having an experience with someone else in no way lessens or threatens the connection I have with them. 

There wouldn’t be shame or guilt associated with feeling or expressing love for the people I truly do love. I would be allowed to be whole in my sexuality. 

I would feel whole, accepted, and strong. I would feel secure in that I could be myself and still be loved. I would feel like I truly belonged with the people in my life because that love wouldn’t be centered around conditions placed out of fear and insecurity. 

A future like that feels warm, quiet, and peaceful. There’s no drama or strife or unworthiness in that future. There is understanding and acceptance. There’s space rather than confines and too-small spaces. 

In that future, I have acceptance, and maybe that’s what I want more than love. Maybe acceptance is love. Maybe belonging is love. 

I don’t know if that explains the “why” part of the prompt. I think it does. I want these things because I want to be myself and for that to be ok. I want to be myself and to be accepted. That’s my fantasy future. 

It feels out of reach. It feels unrealistic. It feels dumb and selfish. And all of that makes me want to cry. I’ll never be able to be myself is what it feels like. 

I’ll always fall short because I want too much space; too much alone time. I’ll always cause hurt to the people I am in relationships with because I will love others regardless of being in a monogamous relationship or not. I can forgo expressing that love physically, and I have, for years, in multiple relationships. But I’m always left feeling like if I were honest and true to myself then I would be unworthy. The flip side is if I am true to myself then I make the people I care about most feel unworthy and hurt. 

It’s a fucking disaster and my restorative strength isn’t enough to figure it out. At least not yet. 

That’s the rose-tinted glasses of a future I would want though. I would want to be me and for that to be ok. 

Musing Moments 146: D&D – Saber Ishaan

Standard

This is the origin story for my teifling sorceress rogue, Saber Ishaan.

I didn’t begin learning about myself until “that night”. Sometimes I still wake from nightmares of it, screaming, though it has been several years. I can remember it so clearly. Every detail. The city streets, the smells, the hunger, the fear. That night began no different than any other. The darkness marked my waiting. Waiting for the light to come back so I could be safer. Bad things lived in darkness. Bad things happened in darkness.

I had found a rubbish pile that night in an ally. I had thought I would be safe there. Hidden. I could wait out the bad things and see the bright circle again. I could wait and not be found. If only I had known how wrong I was.

I heard them before I saw them. Their footsteps heavy and voices loud as they stumbled drunkenly through the ally. I could smell the alcohol wafting from them.

I don’t know how they found me. Maybe it was my breathing. Maybe my silent tears weren’t as silent as I thought. Maybe they heard the pleas I was crying out inside my head. I don’t know. I don’t know what I did wrong, but they didn’t pass me by.

No. They found me. They pulled me from the rubbish that was my cover. They dragged me for where I should have been safe, sneering and laughing. They pulled at my horns and tail. I remember their words though at the time I didn’t understand them. Teifling whore. Devil witch. I tried to get away, to run, to find new shelter, but I couldn’t. There were more of them than me, and they were strong, well-fed men. What could a weak, street urchin child hope to do against them?

One of them grew tired of my struggling. He hit me with the back of his hand. I tasted blood as my ears rang and searing pain filled my vision with whiteness.

It were as if that first hit were the breaking of a floodgate. They all began to hit me, slap me, pushing me among themselves as if I were a toy. I remember their sickening laughter. I remember one saying he didn’t know devils could bleed. They hit me, over and over and over. And when I could no longer stand, crumbling to the ground in defeat, they began to kick me. I remember one finely crafted boot landed on my stomach, causing me to retch out what little food I had managed to steal for my dinner that night.

They did such horrible things to me as they laughed. I remember that the most; their laughter, as if my pain was a game to them. My suffering a thing to bring them joy.

Through all of it, I cried out in pain, begging them to stop. I screamed and sobbed until the pain was too much; until my voice was too hoarse and raw to beg or plead or cry. I became silent and still, my body either unable or unwilling to continue trying. As I lay on the ground covered in dirt, sweat, tears, and my own blood, I gave up and I accepted that I would die under their boots.

It didn’t matter if I struggled or fought back. It didn’t matter if I cried or begged or screamed. I thought about how I had never wronged anyone and yet here I was, being beaten to death by strangers merely because I looked different.

No one was going to save me. No one in this awful city cared. Not even my parents had cared. I was alone, had always been alone, and would die alone. Because I was a teifling. Because I didn’t matter. None of it mattered. My feelings. My pain. My struggle. My loneliness. My fear.

I don’t matter… That was the final thought I had before “the change” happened.

I don’t know what changed exactly as I lay there dying. All I know is that something did. It felt like something inside me woke as I died; as they spat on me. As they kicked me. As they hated me.

Rage. I remember rage, slowly at first, a soft hint of anger that grew with each passing second of laughter. Rage with boiled and seethed until it was an all consuming fury.

You DO matter! That was what my fury screamed at me in a voice so loud it drowned out the laughter and pain.

They do not deserve to kill you. They, these strangers, do not deserve to be your end. You have fought for too many meals. You have survived too many nights of darkness for these drunken bastards to be your end. You are strong. Your life matters. Win. Fight. LIVE! Show them what you are. Show them what you want!

That burning feeling of fury clawed its way into my lungs as if it were a living thing, giving me the air to screech one final word at my attackers; a word which filled the night, echoing off the ally walls and defeating the sickening laughter.

“STOP!” I shrieked with every fiber of my being. I flung that single word at them as if it were a sword, burning with all of my anger, rage, and fury.

Their laughter turned to screams as blinding light in the form of a glorious sun-fire sword filled the ally, slashing their faces and burning their eyes, scaring them forever. They ran from me, stumbling, screaming, howling in pain like beaten curs.

I remember their screams and the smell of burning flesh as I stayed on the ground. I wanted to hide. I wanted to run. I wanted to be safe. I wanted the sword that had saved me to come back and be by my side for forever. But the sword was no longer there with its warm, brilliant light and I could no longer feel my body. I could no longer feel the ground under me. I could no longer feel my pain. I could feel… nothing… and everything… seemed so very… very… far away…

The aftermath of my first magic is a story for a different time. This specific moment, however, this specific night, is where I began learning about myself and why I cherish it so much even though it still terrifies me in my dreams. That night, I learned I didn’t have to die. That night, I learned I could fight back. “That night” was when I and my story truly began.