introvert

Letters to Mom 017: Happy Late Mother’s Day

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I didn’t write on Mother’s Day.

I had a dream about mom the night before. I still remember it.

I was in a house. I was with other people though I don’t remember who they were. I remember that I knew them, but I’m not sure if it was family or close friends. We were supposed to be going somewhere, but mom had said she would be visiting and I really wanted to see her before we left the house. I knew I wouldn’t be able to see her again for a while. It was important that I be there. It was my one chance.

I remember the feelings of anxiety and worry. Mom was running late. Her flight was delayed and there was traffic and all of these things keeping her from getting to the house on time. The people I was with were getting annoyed with me because we ourselves were going to be late if we didn’t leave soon, but I kept asking for more time. Just a few more minutes. Please. She’s so close. Just a little longer…

I remember in the dream I was almost in tears but the other people wouldn’t wait any longer. It was so hard, so heavy, to close the front door, to turn the lock. It sounded so final; the door closing. It was like I had allowed myself to give up. It was me giving in. It was me walking away and not waiting. It was me caving to pressure.

I wanted to wait. I wanted to be there. I wanted to see my mom. But I wasn’t staying and that felt like a betrayal. I was making the wrong choice and I hated it but I didn’t know what else to do. I had to leave with them.

There was so much confliction inside me and still, I turned to walk away from the door. But just as I did there was a knock.

I knew it was her. I knew mom had finally arrived and I didn’t care if I was late to whatever it was I was supposed to go to. I turned around as fast as I could and unlocked the door, throwing it open without regard.

She was there. My mom was there. I threw my arms around her and hugged her and cried.

I heard her say my name over my tears.

I KNOW she said it. I can still feel it in my chest even though I honestly can’t remember what it sounded like.

I just… I know my dream was real and that mom is still here, in whatever way the Universe is allowing.

This Mother’s Day my mom gave me a gift instead of the other way around and I still cry when I think about it. Fucking tears…

I’m grateful for my dream.

Thank you, mom, for everything that you did in life and everything you continue to do for me. I’m sorry I didn’t write on Mother’s Day. I’m sorry I still get sad and have hard days like Tuesday.

I’m sorry I’m not doing better even though I know writing that will make you frustrated with me because I know I’m doing amazing right now. I’m doing so much better than I ever have before and that makes me angry and sad at the same time because I wish you were here so I could show you; so you could be part of it. I wish I could call you and tell you about everything. I wish you could come visit and watch me beat people with sticks at SCA practice and meet Ox and just… everything.

I love you, mom. I wish it hadn’t taken your death to make me the adult I am now. I wish we had had more time. I wish I had thought to ask you all the questions I have now. I wish I had listened to your stories more. I wish I knew more about the hardships you faced while you were growing up. I wish I had you the way so many people still have their mom, but at the same time I know we’re closer for what we went through.

Thank you for raising me. Thank you for the dreams I have of you. Thank you for helping me get through the hard times.

Happy late Mother’s Day, mom.

I love you. Forever and for always.

005: Doing Better

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Today went better than yesterday. 

After writing yesterday, I ended up checking out a book from our library on Libby. Upward Spiral by Alex Korb. It didn’t really help shift me out of my funk but it helped me have clearer insight into why I get so frustrated and down on the weekends. Surprise, surprise, it has to do with the living situation. 

There still isn’t a solution for it, and most likely won’t be one while Ox and I are living here. I’m trying to focus on the fact that by living here I’m able to straighten out my financial situation. I’m making really good progress on the credit card and cleaning up my medical debt. There are positives to living here, surrounded by people and noise, if I can stop my introverted freakouts and allow myself to acknowledge them. 

Everyone really liked dinner last night, too. More than anything else, getting up and doing something in the kitchen helped straighten out my mood. It wasn’t a fancy meal. Just some chicken covered in Shake and Bake with broccoli and mashed potatoes. It had the comfy homemade food feeling, though. It was nice. Bonus points for Lil’ Ox for actually eating it. She’s still a super finicky eater. 

I slept alright, but not well enough to get out of bed at 4:30 to make it to the gym for yoga. Instead, I took my Synthroid and crawled back under the covers with the kittens until 6:30. Got up, did the morning routine, drove to work, and started tackling things there. 

I made it through all of the checkset corrections for one of my projects due at the end of the week. I didn’t have any feedback from my trainer’s checkset, so after lunch, I switched back to my current project. I made a bit of progress there before I got a message from my trainer. We had a 30-minute conversation about the corrections I needed to make. I made them. Let her know. Switched back to my current project.

Got some more feedback. Switched back to the checkset. Made those corrections. Switched back…

It was a lot of switching. >.<;

I submitted two projects to Keypunch today, though, so I’m counting it as a productive work day. I even made it to the fabrication stage of my current project. I got the special clips figured out for my jamb-to-rafter connection so tomorrow morning I can start in on my main primary members; columns and rafters. 

With all of the back-and-forth done I feel I’ll be able to make some significant progress tomorrow. I have until Friday to complete it. I’m relatively confident I can get done by Thursday if not sooner.

With the workday done, I clocked out and drove home. Ox didn’t answer when I tried to call him. Monday nights are raid nights on WoW for him, so I figured he was still napping. The drive was alright. It’s been overcast all day, so there wasn’t a lot of sunlight to enjoy but Spotify played some decent music and overall traffic wasn’t bad. 

I woke Ox up when I got home. We had a few minutes together before he had to get online. I ate dinner, did a few chores, then started typing up the changes to my note sheets for work. I have all of my updates printed so I can add them to my binder tomorrow.

With personal work stuff caught up, I didn’t have anything stopping me from writing, and so here I am taking care of one of the last things on my to-do list. I don’t know what I’m going to do for the next hour or so. Maybe play a little bit of Witcher III, maybe cross stitch, maybe read more in my book. Who knows? I’m content with everything I was able to get done today so ideally I’ll be able to sleep without the feeling of “I should have done more” tormenting my brain. And, even more ideally, I’ll be able to wake up early to get a bike ride in at the gym.

And with that, I guess I’ll go figure out something to do. 

004: Weekends Suck

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Today feels like I wash. I wish it didn’t. I wish it felt like a super productive and worthwhile day. Wishing isn’t doing a whole lot to change anything, though. It’s a lot like sending “thoughts and prayers”. They don’t do a whole lot to change the situation. 

This has been a theme for a while… weekends being harder than what it feels like they should be.

Yesterday was good; productive… I woke up, went to the gym, showered, and did the grocery shopping. I prepped what food I could for the coming meals. I cooked dinner for everyone. I cleaned the kitchen…

Today doesn’t have the same “do stuff” energy and it’s frustrating not knowing why. 

I woke up and took my meds. Eventually, everyone else woke up, too. I made breakfast with Ox and that’s been the extent of my accomplishments. I’ve wasted an hour or so on Facebook scrolling in the hopes of seeing cute cat pictures or videos. 

I’ve finally put the chicken in the oven so I can make my lunch containers for the week. I doubt I’ll get to the gym. I have notes I would like to type for work but instead, I’m writing this. I don’t know if writing can really be considered a “good” thing when it’s most likely being used as a form of procrastination. 

Days like today are annoying. It’s cold outside again. Everyone else in the house is pretty much doing nothing and there’s not a way to get away from it; to be alone to find my own quiet thread of… something… motivation… discipline… It feels like I’m surrounded by this otherness and since I can’t physically get away from it, I’m left trying to escape it inside my head; survive it until it goes away on its own. 

Part of me, a small part, wants to cry over the trapped feeling. The rest of me is apathetic. It’s used to this feeling and knows it’s pointless to try to fight it or change it. There isn’t a way to change it so just accept that today is going to suck and nothing is going to get accomplished…

Why do I have to have an obsession with accomplishment and productivity anyway? 

What do I have on my list that’s so pressing that it has to be done today? Other than changes to one of my work checklists, there’s really nothing that needs to get done. 

Maybe that’s part of the problem? I don’t actually have anything that requires me to do something. I don’t have a project to work on at home. 

I don’t think that’s it. At least, it doesn’t feel like “Ah, yes. That’s the answer!” inside my head. 

It feels like introversion burnout. It feels like “I want to be alone and I can’t so I’m going to be miserable instead,” which sucks. 

I’ve been thinking about going back to therapy. I don’t think that would really help in this situation. Therapy can’t make me want less alone time, nor can it give me more of it. Therapy can’t give me my own room, nor convince anyone in the house that having my own room would be a good thing. 

Conversations can help those things happen, and therapy can help those conversations happen or go well… but that’s not what I need. I know the skills and tools. I don’t need to learn them. 

I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know how or where to start to find out. 

I’ve been reading my writings to Ox again, but I don’t feel like reading this one. I don’t feel like posting it. 

Why? What is it that I’m worried about sharing? There’s nothing in my writing that I haven’t said before. Nothing Ox doesn’t know about. Maybe it’s because I’ll be repeating the same stuff over again. It’s the same problem that I’ve had for what… five… six years now? 

Me: I don’t get alone time. I don’t have a safe space for my special introversion-ness. *world’s smallest violin plays in the background*

You know… I could just not bitch about what I don’t have and be grateful for the things I do… like a place to live and food and clean clothes, and reliable transportation… How about hot water and electricity? Those are nice, too… 

But, no. Instead, I’m sitting here feeling trapped and confined and sorry for myself. Which is dumb, because feeling sorry for myself isn’t making me feel better or in any way changing my situation. It’s just wasted energy. 

As shitty as this writing is, I’m going to end it here. The chicken is done so I need to finish making my lunches. I need to shower still, and there are notes to type. 

It feels like I’m waiting for the day to end so tomorrow can start because maybe tomorrow will be better. It also feels like whatever sad emotion I was feeling is turning to anger, which has more potential to accomplish stuff than depression.

So you know what? Fuck you, Sunday. You’re my target now, and I won’t let you win.

Evening Reflection 023: A Day of Doing

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Previously, before unemployment, I was working on finding my identity after cheating on Ox. I was doing writing prompts, which were helping. Ox and I were doing well. We still are. Then the writing prompts started getting into Bible verses and such and I didn’t feel as engaged with them. I was looking for other avenues or prompts to use in my task of picking up my broken pieces.

Then the world fell out from beneath me and I was in instant free-fall mode.

Who was I if I didn’t have a job? What worth did I actually have if a company could throw me away so easily? How was I a partner worth having when I would shortly have no income at all to support myself? What is worthiness anyway? And everyone keeps saying I’m “strong”… What is strength when all I feel is broken and weak all the time? When am I going to stop over-functioning and actually have my cry session breakdown?

With all of these other questions now in the front of my mind, the writing prompts didn’t seem nearly as important.

As with the cheating incident, it took me a while to be able to admit to this new reality; my joblessness. It took me a week to write about it on Facebook. Even longer to return to my blog, my safe space, and legitimately own my reality.

I returned my Nelnet equipment yesterday. That hurt. I cried after it was done. It was the final step, the final action which closed that chapter of my life. One which, at least in regards to my job, I liked, enjoyed, and felt supported in.

Yesterday I also signed the paperwork for my new position.

I am officially an Auto Glass Trainee. I will be cross-trained to help with the office side of things as well. I have met with the president of the company a handful of times now. He’s super down to earth. It’s a tiny operation. There are only 5 people at the location I will be at, with one other store on the south side of town. The other location is actually super close to me and it might be I end up there more often after my training. But for now, I have a 15-minute drive to work.

I will start Tuesday since Monday is a holiday.

I woke up this morning somewhat rested. I don’t remember having bad dreams at least. I am current on my Synthroid. I’m still off of Zoloft. I actually sat down and made a to-do list. I have completed most of it. I have a rough outline for the weekend since Ox and I want to do some things.

It’s finally sunny again. For the past three or four days it’s been rainy and cloudy and coldish. And I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s been cloudy ALL of those days. No momentary breaks with sunshine, just dreariness stretched out for the next foreseeable ever.

Today is different though. I woke up to sunlight and the kittens snuggled next to me. I didn’t really have a solid idea of what I wanted to do but I knew I didn’t want to spend it spiraling or running from depression. So I started doing stuff. I showered. I realized I didn’t have towels in the bathroom because I had washed them the other day. I cringed my way through the house, trying not to get too much water everywhere. I realized I never started the dryer so the towels were still wet…

That. That right there feels like an accurate representation of what my life has been for the past two weeks.

What the fuck, right? How did I “forget” to start the dryer? How do I have NO clean, dry towels?…

So… I dried off with a dish towel because that was the only thing I had that would work…

Fuck it. My standards for life aren’t very high right now. At least I’m showered AND dried. Bonus points for creativity. Suck it, Life.

I cleaned the litter box, filled the cats’ water bowel, picked up all their toys, and vacuumed the bedroom and hallway. I started tackling the kitchen after that. Dry dishes got put away, dirty dishes got washed, counters got wiped down, trash taken out, floors vacuumed since I have a Dyson and it’s amazing and can do everything. No need to sweep.

This is where I sat down to make a list. I was doing stuff. Awesome! It was kind of haphazardly jumping from one thing to another with no real organization. Not as awesome. But! That’s something that can be fixed! Wooo! Fixing things.

The lease for the apartment ends on the 1st. I still wanted to get over there to clean the oven. There was some minor shopping that needed to get done. I could also stop at the library and see if the Auto Glass Technician book my new boss, we’ll call him Glass Dad, told me about.

There were things I could do outside of the house. It would be better to have a game plan for them. So I made a game plan.

Oh… and I did start the dryer when I realized the towels weren’t dry. Just wanted to toss that in here so it’s officially spoken.

I started by going to the apartment. I sprayed the inside with oven cleaner. Since it has to sit for at least 6 hours there wasn’t a whole lot I could do past that. The goal is to go tomorrow morning and wipe everything clean after letting it sit overnight.

From there I went to Walmart, which was a crappier experience than I anticipated. I needed a money order for my final payment to the apartment. That took nearly 20 minutes since people were using the associates in that area to check out. Of course, the one that got finished faster couldn’t do money orders so three other people got to go ahead of me while I waited for the other associate to finish with the customer she was with.

Once I got the money order, I went to the guy section to check out pants. I found a pair I really like. I was worried “work” pants would be bulky and heavy and not have a great range of motion. These are actually pretty awesome. Not too heavy, but not super light either. They flex which is nice. AND THEY HAVE POCKETS! Super stoked to try them out over the weekend while Ox and I work in the addition.

Since the task of “buy pants” was mercifully done, I went to the sporting goods section to get a copy made for the rental key. No one was back there. I found another associate and asked if I could get a copy made. They said they would get someone over to help me. I waited. Another customer came up. I explained the previous situation. We both waited. Another customer showed up. Second customer went to find someone. A call for assistance in sporting goods was heard over the speakers. An associate came over to see what we all needed. Each of us explained what we wanted assistance with. He said he would find someone for us since he wasn’t the associate for the area. Finally got an associate behind the counter and got my key copy made.

I was grateful I only needed a few things from grocery after that.

I had not expected to spend more than 30 minutes in Walmart. I was pushing an hour at that point.

Checked out. Got back to the car. Went to the library. They don’t have the book I want. Lame. Came home and regaled Ox about the trials of the Walmart trip he conveniently didn’t have to be a part of.

We were going to game for a bit. I ended up napping after we had lunch. He’s still asleep and so here I am. Writing.

I got confirmation from the apartment that the pre-moveout inspection has been done. There’s a lot of crap going on with that, but I’m not going to get into it for now. There will be more information later. So later is when I’ll write about it so I can do the whole story all at once.

Once I’m done here, at the keyboard, I’m going to take another look at my to-do list and see what else I want to get accomplished. I’ll most likely terrorize Ox and wake him up. At some point, we’ll go to the house so we can be there in the morning to work on the addition.

And that’s mostly it for the moment. I did not sink into a pit of depression but I can still feel its darkness on the edges of my mind. This is a tentative “okness”. Bills are going to suck this coming month. Jon is being a dick about things. The apartment is an unknown expense and I highly doubt the security deposit will cover all of it. Medical insurance isn’t official yet and I don’t know how much of my Synthroid will be covered.

There are a lot of unknowns left to figure out or work through. This “okness” doesn’t feel 100% real. It’s more like because I’m keeping my head down and my attention on immediate things, I feel ok. This teeny-tiny space, the piece of paper with things written on it, is the only thing I have to worry about right now. I’m not going to look up into the distance to see all the monsters waiting for their turn… Nope. Only the paper matters and the paper says I’m doing good…

It’s that sort of “okness”.

That’s what I have in me for today, so that’s what I’m doing. I know the other things are there. I know they will come up in their own time. I can’t do anything about them right now, though. I have to wait and I’m not good at waiting so I’m doing the things I can do instead.

I’m employed again. I have that going for me. I haven’t had a mantra or anything in my head, but maybe that’s one I can try. “I have a job and I’m doing things. I have a job and I’m doing things. I have a job and I’m doing things.”

Evening Reflection 021: Work Work

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Daily Summary: 
Yesterday feels like it was a waste. I did dishes before work. I didn’t go to the gym. I woke up tired. Didn’t help that I didn’t sleep well and it was cold and rainy and miserable. 

Super didn’t help that I was still feeling the financial pressure of my situation. 

I stayed at the rental not doing a whole lot. 

Logged into work. Didn’t to a whole lot there until later in the day. I have a lot of “On Demand” courses saved in their online training platform. Started working through a few of those. 

Ox came over after work. He gamed for a bit before taking a nap. Had his DnD session here which was mildly frustrating. 

I was still trying to do some of my coursework. I could hear him chatting with the group. It was hard to focus on what I was trying to do. 

Work ended. I tried going to sleep. I couldn’t. I got up and started looking at Indeed for part-time jobs I might be able to do on the side to bring in extra money.

Ox and I talked this morning. He’s not ok with the things I mentioned. They would cut into our already limited time. He’s offered to help financially. The thought makes me want to cry. I want to be in a spot in life where I can afford my life. I wish I hadn’t over-extended myself on the promise of someone else holding up their end of the agreement. 

If I do accept Ox’s help, each time he helps the amount will get added to his Excel sheet for what I owe him back. I dislike this. I dislike all of it and I know it’s at least one of the factors feeding into my not ok-ness right now. 

I have counseling tomorrow. I really don’t feel like talking about anything. 

I’m in a mood and I haven’t figured out how to get out of it yet. 


Random Ramblings: Prompt 9-31
Think about the third biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

This is the one role where I feel ok. Like, legit ok and not an “I guess I accept where I’m at in life” type of ok.

I am a worker. A teammate. I excel at work because work is easy. You do what you’re told when you are told to do it and somehow that makes you an amazing employee. It’s sort of sad that doing the bare minimum at your job makes you stand out, let alone going above and beyond. 

My vision for work is to move up the ranks of advisor and then become a trainer. From there I would move into the Training and Development team where I could coach and mentor others. 

That is my goal. It’s not just a vision. It’s what I’m actively working on. That’s what leadership is helping me move towards. 

I was accepted as Team Captain last Friday. 

I want to help others overcome their fears and self-doubt to be amazingly awesome people. It’s what I loved about teaching so much. It’s what I loved about patient education. I love helping people be better, more whole. Maybe that’s my restoration strength shining through. 

By being higher than an entry-level 1 advisor, ideally, I would be making enough to pay off my debt and actually save money for an emergency fund and retirement (lawl, what’s that?). 

Moving up through the ranks and shifting my area of focus to an area more in line with my natural interests feels nice. I don’t want to be a supervisor or a team lead or any sort of management position. I don’t want to be in charge of people. I want to help people. 

That’s where I’ll end up. It’s just a matter of time and effort. For me it’s not a vision; it will be my reality.

I wish the rest of my roles felt this confident and secure. I wish work wasn’t the only thing I felt like I was good at. 

Evening Reflection 020: Isolating vs Connecting

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Daily Summary: 

Last night wasn’t awesome. I read my writing to Ox. I was already emotionally raw before I did. I was feeling vulnerable for sharing my “ideal” which I knew didn’t 100% line up with his or Bunny’s “ideal”. 

I felt shame and guilt over wanting something different. I felt trapped in a future that would have constant interaction with people and no solitude and a disastrous kitchen and all these horrific things that as an introvert I didn’t want. 

I don’t cohabitate with others well. I know I don’t. I’ve had almost 15 years’ worth of roommates to attest to not liking shared living environments and the fallout that goes along with it ending badly. 

Looking back at last night, I wanted reassurance that I wasn’t an awful person for wanting things that were different from other people. I wanted to know that the terrible extroverted future I was seeing for myself was fear and inaccurate. 

Instead, I got, “We don’t know what the future will be like.”

That’s fair. It’s an accurate statement. It left me feeling alienated with a nebulous, “The awfulness you’re picturing could happen,” bouncing around inside my head.

I couldn’t sleep for a really long time. I had a cry session while Ox slept next to me. I ended up sleeping on the couch for most of the night. When Ox woke up to use the restroom he woke me up to give me a hug.

“You’re allowed to come back to the room.”

I don’t know why those words were the words I didn’t know I needed to hear, but it felt like even though I was up in my feels that I had permission to be next to him. Even if my wants were different, things were still ok. 

After that midnight wake up, things were better. I slept deeply after curling up in bed with Ox and the kittens. I didn’t dream about dead bodies and ruined lives. 

Ox and I slept in a little this morning. We were tired from cleaning and working in the addition the day before. We waited until after breakfast to get back to work. We finished putting up the joists in what will become the living area upstairs. We’re saving the insulation work for next weekend when the kids are here. There’s some work that will require the electric stapler which is something the kids might get a kick out of using. They both want to help and to be part of the project. Finding things that are within their ability at the moment is tricky, but this is one of the things they could help with, so we thought it better to call it good for now and wait on the rest of it. 

Ox and I showered after we were doing working. We packed up our things and the kittens and headed back to the rental. I convinced him to swing by a few Pokestops so I could complete one of my tasks in Pokemon Go. Totally not obsessing over the game… >.>;

I paid bills once I got the kittens situated and some other chores done. That sucked. With my brother’s contribution still up in the air, I feel the stress of financial insecurity pressing in around me.

I ended up talking with my dad for a while. The topic came up and I explained how moving with Jon went, about his previous lapse in paying rent, and now the current stress of him backing out of the agreement we had which would leave me screwed.

I’m already looking into things as back. I told my dad I feel like this is the lesson I’m supposed to learn in life; to keep boundaries around finances because no matter who it is, family, partner, friend, they’re going to screw you over. 

It sucks. So much of my life has been trying to figure out life after helping people financially only to be worse off for helping. It’s frustrating to be in this situation because I thought it would be different since Jon is my brother. But here I am, trying to deal with/cope with financial uncertainty because I wanted to help him get a house. 

And yet… he feels unloved and unsupported. 

I was supposed to see him today. He has my ladder which I need to finish painting the detail work in the bathroom. I let him borrow it so he would do work around the house only to be told that it wasn’t tall enough. So I’ve gone without my ladder for over a week now because gas is expensive and it’s too much to bring it back. 

That’s fair. I made plans to go out to his place today. I could load up the last bits of their stuff still lingering around the rental since they still haven’t come to get it. I could get my ladder in the process and knock out social time, too. All of the productiveness in one trip. 

When I messaged him, he didn’t reply. When I tried calling, he didn’t answer. 

I’m not driving out of my way without communication. I don’t want to go there for them to not be home because their out shopping for stuff for the garden or something. I don’t have money to waste on gas either, especially when I’m most likely not going to have the support I was depending on when I signed the lease for this house. 

So instead I talked to my dad. It was a good phone call. I think he wasn’t getting the full picture, which isn’t surprising because that’s human nature. We tell the details that are “relevant”. Tell my dad my side of the story changes the situation he was being told. He’s not going to say anything to my brother which I appreciate. I don’t need more drama in that area of my life. I would rather just let Jon do his thing, since that’s what he’s going to do anyway, and figure it out. 

It was a little bit after I got off the phone with my dad that Jon called me. Ox and I were about to run to the store. Jon said he wasn’t going to be going to the birthday party he was originally going to go to. It’s why I had wanted to go to his place earlier in the day. I knew he had plans and was trying to be respectful about them.

That was around 2 in the afternoon. At 5 pm, I really don’t want to drive 30 minutes to hang out with someone I don’t want to see, to drive 30 minutes back to fall into bed so I can get attempt to get a decent amount of sleep before my kickboxing class. 

So I told Jon it wouldn’t work out for me to come this weekend. Could we see about next weekend? 

“I’m too tired to care atm. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”

Sort of a shitty text to get. I’m not going to waste emotional energy on it. I’m tired of feeling like it’s his world and I’m just a minion in it, obligated to be at his beck and call. 

Fuck that. I will enjoy the rest of my evening. I’ll do my writing. I’ll have dinner with Ox. I’ll spend time with the kittens. I’ll game for a bit and rest before having an awesome class tomorrow. I’ll be mentally ready for work. I’ll get the rest of my chores done. I’ll do all of these things because I didn’t go out of my way to make your life easier like I’ve been doing for so long. 

Instead, I’m going to make my life easier. For once, deal with your own shit and keep your petty comments to yourself. I’m tired of trying to hug a cactus. 

So that’s where I’m at. Intentionally not hugging a cactus and instead, I’m taking a break from gaming to write. It’s a nice evening and I’m not going to let someone else’s real or imagined emotional “not-okness” mess with mine. 

Why does family have to suck sometimes? >.<;


Random Ramblings: Prompt 8-31

Think about the second biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

The irony of this being the next prompt is not lost on me. 

My second biggest role is family member… and on look… one of my family member dynamics is on fire. Fml…

I feel like family is supposed to be the people you turn to when you need help. Not exactly financial help, though mom did that for all of us at one point or another. 

Family is supposed to be there to help you when you fall. Maybe it’s a shitty relationship ending, or work going to shit. Maybe it’s just needing to bitch about something to get it off your chest.

I don’t know. I think about the type of support mom was for me and I feel that’s the type of support family should be for each other. You stay connected. You talk. You visit. You laugh and cry and worry and figure things out. You have connective lunches or cups of morning coffee together. 

I want to be that for my family and I am extremely aware that I am not.

I am out of touch with my cousin. Until today I hadn’t talked to my dad in a while. I hardly ever talk to my older brother and sister-in-law. I am not a figure in my nephew’s life. I wish I wasn’t a figure in my younger brother’s life. I haven’t talked to either of my uncles since my mom’s death…

How can I say I’m a family member at all?

All of my effort has been going to my younger brother, to be told he feels unloved and unsupported while he keeps going back on his word…

In my ideal “family fantasy”, I talk to my dad, cousin, and older brother more. I’m most likely a terrible person, but there are very few people I want to talk to in my family past that. I was never close to my uncles, I wasn’t very close to my dad’s family either. 

I want to focus on those three dynamics more and less on my brother. I want those people to know I care for them; that I truly love them. 

I want to visit my older brother. I want to hang out with my cousin like we did growing up. I want them to know I’m still here. 

Maybe this is all screwed up in my head right now because of the discord between me and Jon. 

I want to feel like I still have family even though mom is dead. I want to know I matter to them even if I don’t sacrifice my financial well-being to prove I love them. 

Maybe that’s what I need in this area. To reconnect with people who aren’t as toxic as my younger brother. 

Maybe I messed this section up. Maybe family member isn’t my second biggest role. If it isn’t, I don’t know what would be. I don’t know what else I am other than partner, family member, and worker. 

In my fantasy land, I am connected with my family because they love me for me, and I love them for them. It’s not from a sense of obligation or requirement. 

Much like my previous writing, I don’t know what I want from this one. I don’t know what I’ve found other than unease, vulnerability, and hurt; not just from my inaction within these dynamics but from the actions of my brother. 

These writings are supposed to help me find myself. Right now they are showing me my pain and that sucks. You can’t heal, grow past, or change something until you acknowledge what is actually going on. 

I’ve been isolating myself from the people I should connect with and connecting with the people I should be distancing myself from. 

That sucks. 

I’ll add it to the list of things to work on. 

Evening Reflections 019: Fantasy Land

Standard

Written yesterday.
Posted today.

Daily Summary: 

I made it to the gym again yesterday. I’m happy to report that I wasn’t as sore when I work up this morning. After my first class, I spent some time stretching but didn’t do a lot for my quads. For three days after my quads reminded me of how I neglected them by being ridiculously sore. After class yesterday, I spent time stretching again but made sure to spend some time on my quads specifically. I think that is the biggest factor to being mostly alright today.

Since it was a dreary overcast day, I didn’t have a lot of faith in my motivation to get to the gym. Luckily, I had the discipline and inner guilt to get me at least out to my car. Everything after that was easy. I enjoyed the class and feel I did better than my first one. Hopefully, it’s all progress from here. 

Ox came over after work and we spent the day at the rental. A handful of my teammates and I installed Pokemon Go on our phones so we traded information and such. Other than that, it was a quiet day at work. I listened more to Rising Strong by Brene Brown. I did chores during my breaks. Since I was washing the bedding, we had to hang around a little bit after I clocked out of work so I could switch the final comforter to the dryer. Once that task was completed we packed up the kittens and came to the house.

We had discussed plans for the weekend. The goal was/is to spend the weekend here at the house working on the addition. Sunday night we’ll head back to the rental.

I slept deeply last night. I mildly remember having a dream. I remember there were dead bodies in it. I don’t remember the context. I do know I woke up feeling not ok. Grouchy. Irritable. Emotionally raw…

It was a rough start, but Ox and I got through it. We went to Goodwill to get myself some “work pants”. All I have are shorts or thin yoga pants and he didn’t want me doing construction-type work in “improper” clothing. 

I get it… also not going to drop a bunch of money on pants I’m to trash. I found a pair of decent pants for $7 and called it good. We spend most of the morning organizing and cleaning up the second floor. It’s been a while since we’ve worked on the addition and various other projects have been completed in the space. 

We got the area back to a workable condition and even made progress on the rafters for the ductwork. We’re calling it a day for now with the agreement that we finish the rafters tomorrow. That’s our goal for the weekend. Since we won’t have to make impromptu trips into town for clothing tomorrow, we should be able to get it completed. 

I’m looking forward to it. It feels good to be working on something. Even better to be seeing progress for the effort. 

The cats are doing well. They settled in quicker than they did last weekend. 

I did have a message from my brother last night. That was frustrating since it regarded finances. I’m trying not to let him bother me. There are tentative plans for me to see him tomorrow. As petty as it might be, I wouldn’t be heartbroken not to see him for a while. I’m tired of hearing how he’s bought tons of new things for this garden only for him to turn around and say he can’t afford to pay me the amount he agreed to for taking over the lease for him and his partner. 

I’m tired of him telling me how he feels unloved and unsupported while he continually fucks with my financial stability. 

So yeah, I have some feelings to work through and I would rather do it in solitude rather than trying to make him feel better about making shitting choices because I’m not a priority in his life. At the very least, the agreements he has made with me are not a priority. I’m angry over it. Anger is hurt directed outward. I am again having to figure out how to make up for the financial shortcomings of someone else because they felt like other things were more important than keeping their word to me. 

Since I am in the process of living after having cheated on Ox, I guess I really don’t have a right to be angry about someone not keeping their word. Maybe this makes me a hypocrite on top of a cheater. 

Maybe that’s me being self-deprecating. Either way, all of this is food for thought. I’m frustrated with my brother and I’ll work through it.


Random Ramblings: Prompt 7-31
Think about the biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

My number one role was that of partner/companion. I don’t have a vision. At least I don’t think I do. All of that shattered in the aftermath of my honesty. I haven’t figured out a new future or what I would want from it. Maybe that’s why I feel so insecure in this particular area of my life. 

But what the heck… I have time to type… let’s pretend for a little bit that in the future my life isn’t on fire, that I am not having to navigate through broken trust, and that I have a secure feeling of self-worth. 

What would I want in a future like that for/with my partners and companions? What would it look like if I were able to be fully myself without taking into account the wants and needs of others? 

My fantasy future dynamics. How would those look?

I would most likely still live alone, or at the very least have my own space. I like the security of separation. I like knowing there is a space, a place, where I can be alone, that can’t be taken away from me, endangered, or violated by others. 

Maybe an in-law suite off the main house… Something. Something away. Something separate. A “dragon den” instead of a man cave or she-shed. 

I would like to be with Ox as a life partner. I would like Bunny to be there, too. In the future I see, they are closer together. It’s not that there is a primary and secondary position. It’s that I want and need more solitude. I want to be alone, in my own space. 

In my future Bunny and Ox would be living together, so naturally, they would gravitate closer to each other. 

I don’t feel threatened by that. I feel like that would allow both of them to feel fulfilled in ways that I don’t think I can provide. I can’t and don’t want to always be there. They both need or at least make it seem like they want consistency in their companionship. If they had each other to turn to maybe it would be ok for me to be introverted the way I want. 

In Fantasy Future Land, I would be allowed to be polyamorous. If I went to visit Warren or Sir or Blacksmith. If I happened to cross paths with someone in my future and it felt right… I would be able to express and experience that connection fully without anyone feeling hurt. People would understand that having an experience with someone else in no way lessens or threatens the connection I have with them. 

There wouldn’t be shame or guilt associated with feeling or expressing love for the people I truly do love. I would be allowed to be whole in my sexuality. 

I would feel whole, accepted, and strong. I would feel secure in that I could be myself and still be loved. I would feel like I truly belonged with the people in my life because that love wouldn’t be centered around conditions placed out of fear and insecurity. 

A future like that feels warm, quiet, and peaceful. There’s no drama or strife or unworthiness in that future. There is understanding and acceptance. There’s space rather than confines and too-small spaces. 

In that future, I have acceptance, and maybe that’s what I want more than love. Maybe acceptance is love. Maybe belonging is love. 

I don’t know if that explains the “why” part of the prompt. I think it does. I want these things because I want to be myself and for that to be ok. I want to be myself and to be accepted. That’s my fantasy future. 

It feels out of reach. It feels unrealistic. It feels dumb and selfish. And all of that makes me want to cry. I’ll never be able to be myself is what it feels like. 

I’ll always fall short because I want too much space; too much alone time. I’ll always cause hurt to the people I am in relationships with because I will love others regardless of being in a monogamous relationship or not. I can forgo expressing that love physically, and I have, for years, in multiple relationships. But I’m always left feeling like if I were honest and true to myself then I would be unworthy. The flip side is if I am true to myself then I make the people I care about most feel unworthy and hurt. 

It’s a fucking disaster and my restorative strength isn’t enough to figure it out. At least not yet. 

That’s the rose-tinted glasses of a future I would want though. I would want to be me and for that to be ok.