Tag Archives: crowds

3596. Wonderful Caribbean cruise

18 Replies

I’ve saved all my life for this. Ever since I was a kid and read about it I’ve wanted to go on a Caribbean cruise. In a gigantic cruise ship with sunshine and swimming pools and ball courts and sun umbrellas and deck chairs and …0h… How wonderful! How wondrous! But so expensive.

Well, I’ve thrown all caution to the wind. If I’m ever going to do it I have to be drastic. When I get home from this cruise I can start over again – saving for a retirement down the track, one day buying a house, all that. I’ve spent almost everything I had to get this cruise. I’m here! It will be an expensive, but life-lasting memory. Yipee!

Well yippee-do. I’ve never been so disappointed in my life. I can hardly stand up in my little cabin room. The decks are so crowded there’s nowhere to move. The swimming pools are sardines in a can. It’s frightful. I’ve not once found an empty deck chair. The food seems alright, but a few apparently have gone down with salmonella. They reckon it might have been the chicken.

Yesterday we arrived at our first port of call, and we were able to alight and wander the city and shop and sightsee. It was more like an average little town with a few shops. And things were so expensive! By the time I’d bought a coffee and a sandwich I was heading for bankruptcy. The only people I met were off the same boat as me. So much for meeting the natives.

And now I’m all sunburnt. They said to wear a hat. Yeah right. Who needs a hat? I’m back on the cruise liner all red and sunburnt all over. Thank God it’s raining.

1632. Predator control

14 Replies

(WARNING: Like at most rallies this speech contains obscenities).

I find your presence here in this auditorium stifling. There are four hundred and twenty-four of you present in this one room. Have you considered how overwhelming this is to those with autism? And you’re acting as if no one in the world suffers from claustrophobia. There are no windows in this auditorium. The air conditioning simply instils panic and alarm in sufferers. We must be attentive to the needs of others.

Excuse me. Yes. You. The lady in the pink cardigan. Would you mind not making little comments behind your hand to the person beside you. Not only are you spreading germs on your hand, but the hubbub of noise alarms those of us who are sensitive to unwanted noise. How can we concentrate on the speaker? To say nothing of the applause. Clapping must surely be one of the most insensitive mannerisms invented. Please simply wave your arms in silence. No? Yes you in the ripped jeans. When I say wave your arms I didn’t mean guns. Which should be banned. I would ask security to accompany you outside. With that attitude you should be lined up against a wall and shot.

I find it threatening that so many of you are sitting facing the stage. Turn around and face the back of the auditorium like civilized people. It’s male dominance which produces this obsession with having their penises face the speaker. Everything is to do with masculine in-your-face arrogance. The front the front the front. All males are to turn around and face the back! In fact, a nearby venue has been set up and I would request everyone move to the hall across the road so as not to be so intimidating and aggressive and toxic. We’ll have none of that cock and bull nonsense that’s been going on for centuries.

That’s better. Now that we have an empty hall I can get on with my speech. Need I remind you, if there are any questions, that you are not to use any sexist pronouns? We must be welcoming here to all. We are not racist or homophobic or xenophobic like those horrible fucking inhospitable bastards who do nothing but instil fucking hatred in society. They should be shot along with every other white supremacist on the planet who refuse to piss in a transgender bathroom because of the fucking hostility they hold to those who are not like them.

Now can we continue? The chairperson of the National Poultry Association has asked me to speak at this convention on Predator Control When Raising Chickens.