Tag Archives: flowers

3483. Sunshine flowers

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Mrs. Campbell wasn’t much of a gardener but she did like flowers. Not that she lived anywhere where she could have a garden. Her house almost bordered on the sidewalk, and down the sides of the house the neighbour’s windows looked straight at her walls.

Every afternoon, sunshine or not, she would take her walker and circle the block. It wasn’t a huge walk but it took her half an hour at least. It could take longer if she stopped and chatted. She especially liked to admire other people’s flower gardens. There was one garden she found particularly attractive and it had some sunflowers! Some flowers speak of sunshine and happiness and joy. To Mrs. Campbell sunflowers did just that.

The sunflower gardener asked Mrs. Campbell if she would like some seeds. Of course she did. She would try growing a sunflower in a pot. It germinated! It grew! It was the most doted upon sunflower in all the universe! And then it flowered!

The next day the neighbour opened her window, reached out and cut off the flower. Too many bees, she said. Attracts too many bees.

3446. The eternal garden

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It was a great relief to Rex to have ended up in Heaven. He’d tried to live a good life, but not with a great deal of success. Apparently God must’ve turned a blind eye to a few things. Anyway, here he was!

It was a little disappointing because Rex had hoped he’d be able to fit in a bit of gardening (in between hymns you understand). He had been a keen gardener all his life and thought when he had an eternity of time on his hands he might be able to spare some time to do some gardening.

He was able to ask God if there was a garden anywhere. “Do you think you could spare a little place where I might have a garden?” he asked.

“Goodness me!” said God. “What a terrible oversight. You can have a whole planet if you want.”

Rex was suddenly transported to a fabulous gardening planet. “Go to it,” said God.

Rex started his mission with aplomb, but… but… oh dear… he didn’t like to say anything to God but…

There were no weeds. There was nothing to do.

3336. Octogenarian

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I am an octogenarian. It’s not a word I can easily spell. I have to look it up every time I type it out. Thank goodness I don’t need to write it that often!

My name is Brenda. I want to tell you about my garden. It is not very big; just a few steps one way, and a few steps the other. I grow flowers. These days I’m not too good at bending over. It’s a balance thing brought on by my heart medication. Not to worry. I kneel on the grass and tend my flowers that way.

For about ten years I’ve had this rather cosmic vision! By tending my little flower garden I make the entire universe more beautiful. I bet you never thought of that! But it’s true – in my tiny, tiny corner there is a flower garden which wouldn’t be there but for me. When I weed I change the course of the universe! Amongst the billions and billions of stars – nay, billions and billions of galaxies – there’s my little garden doing its bit!

Which why it’s a shame that the council have procured the property and are going to bulldoze my garden to make a pickleball court. They’re moving us on, and possibly I won’t need to spell octogenarian for much longer.

3292. A keen gardener

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Franklin was a keen gardener. He would spend a good part of winter examining seed catalogues in the greatest detail. He would order packets of seeds that looked interesting. Here was a mauve sweet pea with a very strong scent. Here was a plant whose raw seed pods tasted like radishes. Here was bright blue broccoli. Of course he didn’t have enough room – or enough time – to sow every seed he bought. He already had four packets of different sweet peas that he found attractive and he had only the one fence they could climb up on. That fence was already booked for the scarlet runner beans. Vegetables had to come first.

Nonetheless, it did not stop Franklin dreaming – and buying. He couldn’t wait for winter to finish. Of course he couldn’t sow seeds immediately that spring began. The soil had to warm up a bit for germination. He would use the early part of spring in preparing the ground.

Spring arrived! It was time to sow! He had carefully planned who and what went where. It was such a pity he broke his leg and couldn’t do any of it.

3250. A day in court

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You have been brought here because you were caught growing white flowers in your garden. These have been banned for a good many years. It’s lowlifes like you who perpetuate white dominance in an otherwise accepting world. Off with his head. NEXT!

You have been brought here because you were caught growing red flowers in your garden. This is offensive to the indigenous population. Next thing you’ll be putting feathers in your hair, a bone through your nose, and doing a rain dance. If you’re not red yourself, don’t grow it. Off with his head. NEXT!

You have been brought here because you were caught growing yellow flowers in your garden. Next thing you’ll be demanding that English be banned in the schools, and making Mandarin the official language. There’s enough influence in our country from the Orient without promoting the propagation of such a colour. Off with her head. NEXT!

You have been brought here because you were caught mixing brown flowers with other colours in your garden. It’s either all brown or nothing. There’s many shades of brown that can be used to create interest, but you chose to abandon all principals to satisfy a passing whim. Next thing you’ll be suggesting that brown should be watered with the same garden hose as any other colour. Yuck! Who’s going to want to use the garden hose after that? Off with his head. NEXT!

You have been brought here because you were caught growing… growing… growing green flowers? That’s wonderful! Congratulations. What a wonderful way to end the day!

3235. A sudden death

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Bertha and Michael had been married for quite a few years. Their “lovey-dovey days” were well and truly over – in fact by about thirty years. They lived together, got on well with one another’s company, yet each did their own thing. Michael was into lawn bowls, and Bertha was into her flower garden.

One day Michael dropped dead just outside the front door. It was so sudden. Bertha was decimated; totally devastated. He’d fallen over and squashed her favourite plant.

This gave Bertha something to talk about at the funeral. “I’m so sorry to hear about Michael,” people would say.

“Yes it’s terribly sad. When he dropped dead he squashed my favourite plant.”

Some took it as a sign that they didn’t love each other. But most agreed that of course they did.

3210. Shoo-fly flowers

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Edwina took great pride in her garden. It was all flowers. Vegetables could be purchased for a fairly expensive price, but the price of flowers was through the roof. So it was flowers Edwina grew – for her own pleasure.

Of course, not all flowers are good for cutting and putting in a vase. Nor were some of them particularly pretty but served some purpose in the garden. Shoo-fly flowers (such as they were popularly called) were always planted under a window to deter insects from entering. Their little purple flowers weren’t particularly pretty but they served some useful purpose with their fly-deterring scent.

But Edwina’s hollyhocks and poppies and dahlias and … oh! you name it Edwina grew it. In fact, she had so many varieties of flowers that she ran out of space. “There’s only one thing for it,” said Edwina. “The Shoo-fly plants will have to go. I shall pull them out tomorrow.” Edwina thought she saw her Shoo-fly plants shiver.

Tomorrow never came for Edwina. When he daughter visited the stench of fly-deterrent in the house was overpowering. Edwina lay on the carpet stifled to death.

3194. The winning camellia

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Adolphus had inherited his mother’s green fingers. His garden was an absolute picture. He was one of those gardeners who could create a riot of extravagant colour and make it appear that Mother Nature had done all the work.

 His pride and joy were his camellias. He had every shade of pink scattered throughout his garden. They didn’t flower at the same time but were carefully staggered for a long flowering season.

There was someone coming in at night with secateurs and pinching flowers. He suspected it was the old lady, Dulcie-Mae, who lived down the road.  He had no proof. He put barbed wire fencing around his favourite camellia. That should deter any thief. At least for the local flower competition next week his prize camellia would be safe.

Adolphus year after year had won the Camellia Section of the local Flower Festival. This year it was different. The winning camellia was Dulcie-Mae’s. She accepted the trophy with a bandaged hand.

3116. Saint Valentine’s Nay

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Valentine’s Day! My name is Matilda. I am so excited because this is the first Valentine’s Day since I got my new boyfriend. His name is Ernest. We are inseparable. We were made for each other. It’s going to last forever. My mother can’t belief how I’ve ended up with someone so nice.

Eek! I can hardly breath! A van has pulled up at our gate and a man from the florist is walking up our drive. The doorbell has rung! I open the door and he hands me a bouquet of flowers.

They are yellow roses wrapped in black paper. There’s a note that says “Sorry”.

The delivery man must’ve come to the wrong house. Ernest wouldn’t do that. He’d tell me to my face. I’m going to phone him.

“I presume it wasn’t you that sent me the yellow roses wrapped in black paper.”

“Yes. It was.”

“You could have at least sent me a message.”

“What do you think I just did?”

3049. Flower Names

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I really hate having the name of a plant, Mum. Why did you and Dad name me after a plant?

It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Dear. Lots of people are named after plants. There’s Rosemary and Iris and Violet and Poppy and… The list goes on and on. Oh and Tulip and Pansy and Hyacinth, and one of the loveliest names of all – Rose. You don’t hear a Rose complain that they’re named after a thorny bush.

Yes, but why did you use…

And there’s Daisy and Petunia and Blossom and Hazel. So many, many examples of people named after plants. I even once knew a lady called Fern. Lily is another plant name. You should be happy to be in that group of privileged people, Broccoli.