Tag Archives: husband

3570. Decisions, decisions

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It wasn’t an easy decision for Evelyn. She had pondered over the pros and cons for ages. Other people might find such a decision easy, but Evelyn struggled with it.

There were so many factors to consider. What would the consequences be? What about other people who might get involved? What about her family?

She realized that time was running out. She had to make a decision one way or another. Those of you, Dear Readers, who have faced such a conundrum will be able to sympathize with our Evelyn. Her life had been a reasonably happy one. Why should she meddle with it by choosing to go in another direction?

Then there was the problem of how to go about implementing her decision should she decide. She hadn’t had to face such a challenging question since in her youth when she had thought about becoming a nun.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. The opportunity would be missed if she didn’t murder her husband before the family came in a week’s time.

3557. The Bread Maker

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When Denise was being burnt to death in a house fire she was heard to call out “My bread maker! My bread maker!” There were two schools of thought as to what it might mean. Half the congregation at the funeral (although they said nothing) thought she may have been pointing out the cause of the fire. The other half of the congregation at the funeral (although they said nothing) thought she was lamenting the loss of her bread maker in the fire, despite the fire also having claimed the loss of her husband.

She loved to make her own bread apparently, although some doubted that her bread maker could have been called a bread maker. She’d had it for over fifty years. It didn’t look like a bread maker. It was worn out. Given all the ups and downs over the past many years it was a wonder the bread maker worked at all.

The mystery was solved when the grown children placed a “Thank you” in the daily paper’s obituary column:

“Thank you for the flowers, the messages, and all the support on the passing of our parents: our mother Denise, and our Dad, whom Mum always referred to as her Darling Bread Maker.”

3535. Defoliation spray

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I experimented with a tree at the back of my section. It died almost within a day and is now a dry, withered skeleton. I can only hope it has the same effect when I use it on my wife. I used this spray that’s now illegal. It is a total defoliation spray and is meant to kill everything. In fact on the ground under the tree that I sprayed there’s quite a hollow where all the soil amoebas and nematodes and things have kicked it. The soil is dead.

The reason I haven’t used it on my wife yet is because I’m not sure how I’m meant to apply it. Do I spray it on her in her sleep? She might wake up. She will notice the taste if she drinks it. Spraying seems the easiest but I don’t want to get it on the carpet. Who knows what the hell it would do to it.

Anyway, it’s dinner time. Where’s dinner, you fruitcake? Yeah, food’s arrived – better late than never.

I’m going to have to bite the bullet and spray it on tonight while she’s asleep. This healthy grub she makes tastes like shit. What has she put in it this time? The sooner she goes the better.

3445. The whistling kettle

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It was a bit of a mystery visit. Gillian had been told by her doctor that she needed to see a heart specialist and the doctor had not been particularly forthcoming. She didn’t have much of a clue why, except she occasionally got chest pains that she thought was indigestion.

She came home from the heart specialist having learnt that she had chronic heart disease and had to take hordes of pills, but quite frankly, said the heart specialist, an emergency could happen at any time.

Louis her husband was thunderstruck when Gillian told him. He didn’t know what to do. He’d better get her a present of some sort or something. Gillian had often referred to her grandmother’s kettle. It whistled when heated. She had always wanted a whistling kettle like her grandmother’s but they already had a kettle and Louis thought there was no need to make that much noise in the early mornings. There was no need to splurge out on another expensive kettle. Yet Louis came home from work the next day with a whistling kettle and a bunch of flowers.

Louis liked to snuggle up in bed for as long as possible whereas Gillian was an early bird. The first morning Louis heard the kettle whistle briefly. “Ah!” he thought. “She’s using it for the first time!”

The second morning it whistled. And whistled and whistled. “Why doesn’t she turn the bloody thing off?” thought Louis. “Is she deaf or something?” In the end Louis had to get up to see why Gillian hadn’t turned the kettle off.

3429. Christmas preparations

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In the build up to Christmas Elizabeth had worked harder than her eighty-two years allowed. She was exhausted. Her children had told her, “Mum don’t worry about preparing anything. We’ll all bring stuff for a feast.” That didn’t stop Elizabeth of course. After more than sixty years of Christmases with six children and then a heap of grandchildren and now an entire army of great grandchildren there was no telling her to slow down.

She had prepared enough food to feed the town. She had personally bought and wrapped a gift for every child, grandchild, and great grandchild. Her husband had helped her where he could. He had always enjoyed helping with Christmas things.

Around eight in the evening Elizabeth declared that she was ready for bed. Her husband said he’d be along shortly; he had something to put under the tree. As Elizabeth lay in bed she wondered what that might be. She went through tomorrow in her mind. The food, the gifts, the…

Goodness! In all her busyness she’d forgotten to get a gift for her husband.

3334. A sudden event

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Old Mrs. Buckingham didn’t really know what to do. She was sitting at the dining table with her husband. They were happily eating a home-cooked burger roll when, after taking a substantial bite, her husband of fifty-two years of marriage froze with his mouth full of frankfurter. He was dead.

She immediately phoned for an ambulance but it was obvious to her it was going to be too late. Her quandary was this: did she leave him exactly as he died or did she take the half chewed frankfurter out of his mouth? He clearly hadn’t choked on it. It was simply an instant death. Boom! and he was gone.

In the end she left the frankfurter sticking out of his mouth. The medical orderly, or whoever it was, could do the deed if necessary.

Old Mrs. Buckingham did do one thing however, before the ambulance arrived. She emptied the teapot down the sink. Every evening they complemented their meal with a cup of tea. This evening was different. She didn’t want any medial people discovering what she’d put in the teapot.

3304. Honey bees

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Audrey had maintained a beehive in her garden for years. She wasn’t too fussed about collecting the honey, although she harvested a bit. The thing that pleased her the most was having bees to pollinate her large garden of flowers.

It had been a tragic year for Audrey. Her husband had presumably perished somewhere up in the mountains while going for a walk. They never found any trace of his body. After several weeks Audrey said “Enough is enough! Time to get over it. He’s gone.” She turned all her attention to caring for her bees.

She went out to the hive to tend the bees. She noticed a strange smell…

3235. A sudden death

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Bertha and Michael had been married for quite a few years. Their “lovey-dovey days” were well and truly over – in fact by about thirty years. They lived together, got on well with one another’s company, yet each did their own thing. Michael was into lawn bowls, and Bertha was into her flower garden.

One day Michael dropped dead just outside the front door. It was so sudden. Bertha was decimated; totally devastated. He’d fallen over and squashed her favourite plant.

This gave Bertha something to talk about at the funeral. “I’m so sorry to hear about Michael,” people would say.

“Yes it’s terribly sad. When he dropped dead he squashed my favourite plant.”

Some took it as a sign that they didn’t love each other. But most agreed that of course they did.