Tag Archives: spray

3535. Defoliation spray

11 Replies

I experimented with a tree at the back of my section. It died almost within a day and is now a dry, withered skeleton. I can only hope it has the same effect when I use it on my wife. I used this spray that’s now illegal. It is a total defoliation spray and is meant to kill everything. In fact on the ground under the tree that I sprayed there’s quite a hollow where all the soil amoebas and nematodes and things have kicked it. The soil is dead.

The reason I haven’t used it on my wife yet is because I’m not sure how I’m meant to apply it. Do I spray it on her in her sleep? She might wake up. She will notice the taste if she drinks it. Spraying seems the easiest but I don’t want to get it on the carpet. Who knows what the hell it would do to it.

Anyway, it’s dinner time. Where’s dinner, you fruitcake? Yeah, food’s arrived – better late than never.

I’m going to have to bite the bullet and spray it on tonight while she’s asleep. This healthy grub she makes tastes like shit. What has she put in it this time? The sooner she goes the better.

3279. Moss

12 Replies

Lester’s path around the outside of his house was getting dangerous. Moss had sprung up on it over winter, and it was a slippery green slime. He needed to kill it with some sort of spray.

Professionally made moss-killing spray was hellishly expensive. There surely must be some traditional, passed-down-the-generations, method to solve the problem that wouldn’t cost the earth.

He found a solution – literally.

4 drops of dishwashing liquid
1 tablespoon of white vinegar
450 g (16 oz) of table salt
3¾ litres (1 US gallon) of water.

Mix altogether and spray.

Lester already had the ingredients in his house. He mixed the concoction and began to spray the moss on his slippery path. Easy-peasy!

That was when he slipped and broke his leg.

2581. Water

8 Replies

It had been a wet season. Not only was Theodore’s driveway slippery with moss, but the roof of his house and guttering had sprouted lichen. There was only one thing for it: he had to spray.

The problem was that his water supply was rain water. He lived in the country and it was the roof that filled the water tank. There were two pipes flowing from the guttering to the water tank. Theodore disconnected them and safely sprayed. After a week or so and several heavy rains it would be safe enough to reconnect the pipes.

What Theodore didn’t know was that there was a third pipe. Unbeknown to him the spray had run into the tank.

Theodore got an upset tummy. He felt increasingly sick throughout the week. He went to the doctor.

“Ah!” said the doctor, “a simple case of stomach flu.” He gave Theodore some pills and said “Avoid dehydration. Drink lots of water.”

2196. Organic gardening

20 Replies

Esther was beside herself with excitement. Her garden had been chosen by a panel of judges to be one of only fourteen gardens in the city included in the Annual Organic Garden Tour. One of only fourteen!

The Annual Organic Garden Tour was staged every early summer. Entry to each garden was by gold coin. Esther had all of spring to prepare. She had planted all sorts of spectacular things. What a picture they were going to be! At present they were just beginning to poke their heads above the earth. Welcome to the world, O hundreds of plants!

If there was one thing that riled Esther it was her gravel driveway. It was full of weeds.

“Look,” she said to her husband Darren, “they might want organic gardens but the weeds in the gravel are a shocking sight. Can you get up early, before anyone is about, and under cover of darkness spray with weed killer? If we’re careful no one will know it’s not organic.”

“I’ve done it!” declared Darren one morning. “Those weeds will frizzle up and die. While I was at it, I sprayed all those weeds in the gardens as well. That should save you a lot of time.”

1648. Spray

10 Replies

Norman was a very tidy man. The lawn and garden around his house was a picture. He would spray quite a lot under the trees and under the fence railing. Always with Roundup.

“Nothing beats Roundup,” Norm would say. “The weeds see me coming with my back spray pack and they start running.”

That’s why he would spray very often, like once a week. Every Wednesday. It worked. As was said, his lawn and garden was a picture.

Anyway although at first he thought he was getting the flu he’s recently been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. That means that these days his wife, Pearl, has to do the spraying.

1309. Nature Study

5 Replies

Christobelle had a thing for the environment. She was as green as they come. She ate only that which was organically grown. No meat of course; and in fact not even a life-giving chicken’s egg. No insect would be purposely crushed beneath her shoe. Her porch was riddled with spiders spared by Christobelle.

She was therefore considerably dismayed when it was discovered the apples her generous neighbour had allowed her to pick for the past six years, had been sprayed each year. Sprayed! Apparently to kill some moth caterpillar. These people ate cows and sheep and pigs. Why on earth would they fuss about sinking their teeth into a little creepy-crawly? And the thought of poison having entered her body annually for the past six years filled Christobelle with stenchful repulsion. She felt quite ill. What are they taught in school these days? What happened to Nature Study as a subject?

Two nights after this discovery, Christobelle went out and sprayed insect repellent into her neighbour’s thirteen beehives. That should teach him a lesson.

1187. Clean and green

11 Replies

What a go-ahead suburb Greenqueen was! For years they had cared about the environment. The streets were lined with gardens and hanging baskets. No artificial sprays used here. The council had stipulated: all was to be clean and green in Greenqueen.

And then disaster struck. There was an ant plague. Every garden, every hanging basket, every lamp post, every shop door, was alive with ants. Something had to be done.

A pest control firm was contacted. Could you come in plain clothes, in plain vehicles, in the middle of the night, and surreptitiously spray the streets with ant-killing spray?

They did that, and no one complained because no one knew.

Unfortunately, with the lack of labels everything was mistakenly sprayed with weed-killer.