Let’s Chat About Anxiety/Update

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Hello everyone hope all is well with you.  As for me…..well I am taking it one day at a time.

Last month was Mental Health Awareness Month.  I usually post alot during May, but this year I was struggling with my own mental health.

I probably sound like a broken record when I say this but I have Ocd, panic attacks, and severe different forms of anxiety. 

What hit me hard last month was anxiety.  But to be fair I actually had good reason.  I had to get numerous tests done to determine what was causing some medical issues.  And of course my mind went to the worst case scenario each time.

I barely slept, barely ate, and barely left my bed. I could not get the horrible thoughts out of my mind. 

Some Examples Of My Thoughts:

Do I have cancer?  Am I going to die?? Will my teenage son be ok without me? Will my grown adult kids be ok without me? Will my mom be ok? Should I make a “final wish list”? Should I plan my funeral?  Should I start a “Go Fund Me” so my family can pay for my funeral? Should I make a list of songs to be played at my funeral?  Do I want to be taking off life support if I am in that situation? And then the one that constantly went through my mind, will my kids be able to live a happy life and not mourn to long over me?

These thoughts and many many more were in my mind constantly.  I couldn’t get them to stop. I was exhausted mentally and physically. 

Waiting, waiting, and waiting for one result after another to come back.

If you missed my last post I wrote about my results. I do not have cancer and everything I have is fixable. Thankfully they weren’t the worst.  But I do have a few different issues happening and I will be having a couple different surgeries.  The main one is to take a gigantic kidney stone out. This stone is HUGH!

Of course I am terrified.  I made the mistake of looking at the procedure on Google and then I made a bigger mistake by joining a Facebook group on large kidney stones.

I am hearing horrible stories. Absolute horrible and terrifying pain. Pain Pain Pain.

I met with my family physician a few days ago. I had a full blown panic attack in his office.  I think it was one of the biggest panic attacks I’ve ever had. Guess he definitely believes me now when I tell him I have anxiety and panic attacks haha.

Anyway, my doctor was amazing at calming me down. He said all the right things. I left his office feeling the best I have in months. I actually got a decent nights sleep and I actually ate quite a big meal that day.

I have a long road ahead of me. Thats not the only surgery I need. I also have my esophagus issues.  But one good thing is that I am having surgery to remove the stone, I will be put to sleep. I don’t have to try passing it on my own. I know there could be complications, so I have to stay in the hospital a few days. But in a way I am glad because if I am in pain I rather already be at the hospital and not at home because to be honest they can give me medication…..strong medication.

If you have any horror stories on kidney stones PLEASE DON’T TELL ME. My mind can’t handle it. I have an appointment with the urologist that is doing my surgery this week and I am telling him the less he tells me the better.  My sister will be at the appointment, he can tell her everything, not me.

I am a Christian.  I believe in God.  I keep telling myself I will be ok. He will hold my hand and guide the surgeons throughout my surgery.  I will be ok.

Ocd sucks, panic attacks suck, and anxiety sucks. I am constantly looking for new ways to handle my mental health issues. I cant keep worrying and stressing over these surgeries.  I have wasted so much time sitting in bed worrying.

So I have decided that every time my mind thinks the worst about surgery, I am going to tell myself its in God’s hands, and for now, I am taking it one day at a time.

I will be ok.

Have a wonderful week,

Christina

WordPress Memories?

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This post is dedicated to a former blogger here on WordPress that has since passed away. Trent’s World

Hello everyone hope your all doing well.  This morning as I logged on to WordPress I had a notification reminding me of a post I wrote four years ago.

I never seen a notification like that before.  Facebook has something like that called, Facebook Memories.  I wonder if WordPress is doing the same thing but calling it, On This Day?

I actually like the idea because it brings up a post you wrote on that day, just a different year. Its nice to see what I wrote about in the past.

The post that came up for me this morning was a prompt that I use to participate in called, The Weekly Smile, created by Trent’s World.

I really enjoyed participating because it reminded me to be grateful of the little things. No matter how big or how little, just be grateful and find something to smile about.  I think we can all use a reminder like that every now and then.

If you want to read my post from four years ago You can do so here.

Have a fantastic Sunday and remember to appreciate and be grateful for the little things in life.

Well Wishes,

Christina

Hello Again/ Health Update

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Hello everyone, in my last post I wrote that I am taking a little “Me” time. I am happy to say that I am back. With that being said, let me explain what has been going on with me.

First off, as most of you already know, I have anxiety.  Like really really really bad anxiety.  I also get extreme panic attacks.

This past year I started having different health issues. My main one was spasms in my esophagus.  The worst pain I have ever felt in my life. The second one was kidney issues.  My lab work kept showing something was wrong.

I played the waiting game with several specialist to figure out what was wrong with me. I waited almost three months for two very simple procedures. I am still waiting for my third, which is a upper and lower colonoscopy.  I live in California, I don’t understand why as a high risk patient, this simple procedure should take so long. But that’s a story for another time.

During this “waiting” period my mind kept assuming the worst.  I could barely sleep, I hardly ate, I actually lost 40 pounds in a short amount of time because I was so scared. Throughout the day and the night I would constantly have these horrible thoughts that the doctors would tell me the worst news possible.  I am not exaggerating when I say these thoughts took up 90 percent of my day.

I am a mental health blogger.  I have researched and researched so much over the years on ways to get through my mental health issues.  But nothing was working.  I was absolutely miserable.

I also went against everything I say in my blog. I tell everyone the importance of not going through it alone.  But yet that’s exactly what I did. I went through it alone. I didn’t want to worry the people I love.

Well last week I had a CT of my kidney and a barrium swallow test done on my esophagus. I messaged my doctor and told him to please call me as soon as he got the results.  Those few days waiting on his call were the worst. I kept on thinking because I was a smoker for 30 years that the esophagus issues were going to be esophageal cancer. And that it had already spread throughout my body. I was terrified.

I am EXTREMELY HAPPY to say I DO NOT have esophageal cancer. I have esophageal spasms and some type of hernia.

As for my kidney,  this is my main worry now. Apparently I have a huge kidney stone. I mean HUGE! It’s so big that I am not telling anyone how big it is because I don’t want anyone telling me how concerned they are about the size. Because, as you know, my anxiety can’t handle it.

This Monday I meet with my doctor to go over all my results and discuss the next steps. Am I scared? Yes.  Am I nervous?  Yes.  Is my anxiety high?  Yes.

However, I am extremely grateful because this could have been so much worse. I know I have a long road ahead of me. But I will get through this. I have God by my side, holding my hand, reminding me He is with me each step of the way.

I love that so many of you have told me you are praying for me. Please, please continue to do so.

Have a wonderful weekend,

Christina

A Little Break

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Hello everyone May is mental health awareness month.  With that being said, I have been taking a little “Me Time”

I will be posting again in a couple weeks so please don’t un-follow me. I shall return. I just have a lot of appointments and tests plus sessions with my therapist that have been keeping me busy.

Please keep me in your prayers because this has been a hard month for me mentally.  Lots of anxiety and panic attacks.  I will be fine, just need to take a little longer of a break from social media, and focus on me.

If you pray, once again I ask to please keep me in your prayers.

Thank you,

Christina