Musings #021

What is this unstoppable urge to share every living experience with the world.

Most of my personality is now limited to what I have watched recently, what have I read, where have I travelled and what’s my current hobby.

The moment I finish something, that sense of accomplishment only comes after documenting and recording it.

Say I have finished a book, I need to review it.

I have finished a puzzle, I need to seek validation from strangers by posting it.

I have watched something good, I need to bring it up in a conversation.

Let’s not even talk about traveling and how excited people get talking about it.

Who even am I?

Was I not more sure-footed in the past? I feel parts of me are simply manufactured and not very real these days.

When I am passing an opinion as my own, is it really mine? Or tinted by my partner’s or something I saw someone speaking over social media?

The fact that I am having some sort of existential crisis and feel the need to make a blog post about it is ironical in itself!

It appears I am incapable of processing things without documenting them. I was liking the process at the beginning but it seems a bit frivolous at present.

Age

Once a self proclaimed night owl, now I sleep before the midnight strikes.

Once a size extra small, now I struggle fitting into my jeans.

Once a quirky soul, now I look in the mirror and see a plain Jane.

Once I had an opinion too strong on things, now I hesitate knowing everything is grey.

Once very sure of my belief system, now I reason with opposing beliefs.

Once vagabond, now so stable.

Once a free being, now responsibilities.

Once sadness was expressed in tears, now it cannot even be explained.

Once I was happy, now I am a different kind of happy.

Once my friends were close, now my friends have kids.

Once I loved the rains, now I am buying umbrellas.

Once I loved to eat, now I am learning to cook my favourites.

Once I read too little, now I like to read and learn more.

Sometimes I wonder, Am I growing as a person or simply aging!

Hey….Hi!

First we meet. And I get used to you.

Then we part. And I get used to my world without you.

Cycle of life, isn’t it?

I wander around, sometimes wondering if I’ll stumble upon you. Would you have changed cities, what if I see you with somebody?

Or even worse, what if I give in to my whims and see you. What fresh wreck would it entail.

Then there are a plethora of mediums to remain vaguely updated on your whereabouts.

And some unexpected reminders of you even when I am not trying to probe this thought in particular.

Days go by.

Seasons go by.

And one worries about their memory fading. Trying very hard to hold on to the moments. Nothing magical about them, just very ordinary, precious moments.

Why go through all the trouble, I think.

Dreams are where I meet you now.

PS – Reminds me of a song, ये मन अटक गया है (ye mann atak gaya hai) – this heart is stuck. Spotify link

Count your blessings

These days are rare..but when they happen, i whisk away into the thought pool happily, with abandon.

On such days, I just lay back and allow myself to feel things. Overwhelmed by gratitude for everything I have been able to experience in my life.

Strong connections, great friends, some really nice people, a loving and supportive family, a caring partner.

In this age of instant gratification, we get so caught up in the day to day rush, that we forget the people we have met over our journey to this point. How at peace some moments made you feel. Places where you stayed for two three days, but felt like you belonged there.

Some utterly beautiful sunsets, some very tiring, very worthwhile walks, some long night conversations, some bonds that didn’t seem forced.

Today I am counting my blessings. I know life will throw its setbacks my way, but today I rejoice. And today, I cherish.

Resurrection

Her feathers are growing back again. Fresh air is running through her lungs. Sun is beaming on to her face. And the flowers are out in full bloom. It’s not easy. It’s never easy. But every pain culminates to peace. And every day is not a cloudy day. She finds her life to be turning with the seasons. Summer passed by; Autumn was melancholic; Winters were brutal. And now, isn’t the spring around? Time to heal. Shed the toxic energy. Find some peace. Smile a little. And then, a little more.

Munchkins

IMG_E2617 Missing these two so so much. I had to move them to my parents’ temporarily. I don’t know if it makes any sense to thank two cats on your blog, but I would really like to thank them for keeping me company these past few months. They probably don’t have a whiff of it but they kept me occupied, didn’t let my mind wander off to places, made me slightly responsible and most of all brought joy to my everyday life. Now that they aren’t around, I just lie in my house like a potato. And I miss them a lot, but I mentioned that already. Until next time munches. You two made me feel like home. Love.

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NHUHE6265 I wish I could get by life with a little less of self doubting. Need to take that plunge. Want to break out of the humdrum. Have to act now. I miss these blogs that used to be my emotional outlets. I guess, will get back to the things I identify doing.

For some unfathomable reason I am hooked to this TV Series, Desperate Housewives. There, I put it out. Time to get off unhealthy routines.

Wonder what’s changed with WordPress during this time. Things are changing too fast around the world anyway.

One day at a time

I barely remember what I last wrote about. Loosening ties with myriad things from the past. Is time playing its magic trick? Life is changing. Some days for the better, some days for the worst. I have become more subtle with my reactions and it sometimes scares me. I guess things still affect me but I express them in a more feeble manner. It is hitting more hard than ever to me that everything I experience is fleeting. All the priceless moments and all the tormenting nights. How does one stay sane amidst this chaos of variation? Where nothing is consistent, each day is a new challenge, and any slight indication of stability turns into a farce. I am a living paradox of patience and restiveness. Count me for ages but lose me by the hours. Working on my flaws, taking up healthy habits, getting better each day. Consistency comes with time, isn’t it?

Floating pool of thought

What was familiar is no more acquainted.
What looked appealing has lost its sheen.
What seemed plausible subtly moved out of equation.
What never crossed mind is vaguely falling in the routine.
What should have been, is now a never could have been.
What drew delight now fails to curb the despair.
What caused ripples is barely in sight.
What was loved is piled amongst lost.
That what is lost strangely gives comfort.
Expect the unexpected, they say.
Live each moment to the fullest.
Life is such..What is one to make of it?

Life is for the living

It takes a lot of might to think beyond yourself. Your problems, your shit, your happiness, your importance. I am apparently swimming against the current of stream. Or so it feels. Not even sure if it is the right direction or if there is a way ahead. If it’s all in my head, i’ll better shut off for a while and focus on better things. May be, ignorance is bliss for the moment.

P.S.: Going “philosophical mode ON” today for random reasons.