Love

Musings #020

As you grow older, your understanding of love evolves.

You accept love with the added complexities.

Yes, there will be days when love would take a different meaning.

What even is love? It embodies a range of emotions for me.

Finding a moment in your day to think of someone.

Lazy mornings.

A poem that time travels you to the past.

Show of care.

Lost communication.

Love from afar.

Hugs.

Letters.

That one song for one person.

Forgiving.

Accepting.

Assurance.

Love was once passion, love was that uncontrolled angst. It was in the vulnerability and hopes from a person.

Love doesn’t wait now, it’s accepted its fate. Found peace to an extent. Doesn’t get riled up too often. Oh, yes, it is mature now no matter how much you want to deny it.

It is within you, it isn’t all of you.

Childhood love

Wasn’t I in love with every aspect of your personality? How you had a peculiar gait when you walk, this habit you had of running your hands over your hair, how you talked, that goofy smile, your hand writing… I seem to be forgetting your hand writing, I vaguely remember a few strokes, how your y’s and g’s turned. How I admittedly yearn now if you would just write me a note. But how would you know? We don’t talk as such, we only meet occasionally in dreams. It is weirdly comforting to miss you. I miss the fact that we were kids, unbridled and not so complicated. Back when our minds weren’t corrupted by the ways of the world.

It’s only pertinent that this would happen. These flashes of reminiscence. After all, my understanding of love stems from you.

Mess of a heart

There are only so many ways you can convey to someone that you love them. And then sometimes, words fall short.

How do you even express these emotions?

What if you are only embarrassing yourself. What if the other person wouldn’t understand the gravity of it. What if they are not where you are yet and the clarity you have in your head is confined to you. Or what if you are just plain delusional and afraid to break your glass walls.

I don’t know man.

Where do I run when I am so sure about a thing and can’t explain why?

I seldom feel this restlessness in my being. Trying very hard to let it go and yet accept it as a part of me.

You know when a kid is too adamant to get a plushie in a store and as a parent, you are pulling their fingers away from the stuffed toy and lovingly telling them to let it go, let it go! That’s one emotion I feel. I do not understand the reasoning behind it but I need to let something go.

And then there is an assurance from the heart, that everything will work out well. Everything is how it is meant to be. It couldn’t have worked any other way. Some lovers are meant to unite and some just have to be apart! That’s nature balancing things. Giving each of us a piece of happiness we deserve. We got to accept the course life has chosen for us, not just accept but embrace it with open arms.

And what about the stories that remain unfinished? The fallouts of timings and circumstances. What becomes of them?

In another life, may be ?

My little love

Chutkuls aka Waffles (2018-2021)

Hey sweet little thing, you’ll always be in our hearts. I am absolutely heartbroken to realize that I’ll not see you or be able to hold you again. You were much loved and cared for. So innocent and cute!

I am sorry you had to silently suffer for the last couple of days. I wish you could talk. I wish you didn’t go away so soon. Mum, dad, bro, PS, dai, me and tabby, all of us will miss you so so much. I wish I could hear you purr and watch you sleep.

I love you. You were and always be my baby. Kisses. Loads and loads of kisses. Rest in peace my precious one.

Musings #014

The wait has been so long, I cannot bother to recall. My thoughts are haywire and my actions discomposed. My words are in between a pile of mess.

So close to something one has longed for a while. The warmth one has almost forgotten, so much that the thought of revisiting it unsettles me a little. There is an air of nervousness around. A struggle dealt with for a long time alone.

How does one share the bliss when a journey of woes has been traversed alone. It doesn’t seem balanced. I find myself incapable of expressing my emotions of late. Overwhelmed? Perhaps. Anxious? In abundance.

Time does a lot of things. It makes you forget how you once felt. Be it good or bad. And that’s a bit of irony. It would be quite right to say that at times, words simply fail to assist. A few feelings are too fervent to be moulded into words.

Haze

Educating myself

I have been watching these shows, movies, relevant to the ongoing movement on black lives matter. There is a lot to learn, a lot to understand, a lot to feel. As an Indian person, sitting in the UK, watching what’s happening in America, I can only say that I am not well apprised to put across the right words. I see the protests, I read the dialogues, I hear the enraged voices. What’s happening to black people doesn’t feel right. It appears to be wrong at a very basic level.

I have watched some really interesting things on Netflix so far:

– 13th

– When they see us

– 12 Years a slave

– What Happened, Miss Simone?

– Dear White People

– Sweet Karamo in the Queer Eye(this one is just to feel good)

Some things are too difficult to watch, but I think we need to see them even if it makes us uncomfortable. It’s the reality a large group of people have lived for so long. And we can’t put a blind eye on it.

A movement is on the uprising, and I wish the next decade is a wave of progressive change in our world.

Munchkins

IMG_E2617Missing these two so so much. I had to move them to my parents’ temporarily. I don’t know if it makes any sense to thank two cats on your blog, but I would really like to thank them for keeping me company these past few months.  They probably don’t have a whiff of it but they kept me occupied, didn’t let my mind wander off to places, made me slightly responsible and most of all brought joy to my everyday life. Now that they aren’t around, I just lie in my house like a potato. And I miss them a lot, but I mentioned that already. Until next time munches. You two made me feel like home. Love.

Ship hasn’t sailed yet

It breaks your heart some times to see the people you love so much, wallowing in despair. And to be able to do nothing about it. Sure you can talk to them. But what do I say? Stay strong, be patient, resilience bears fruits. As I have observed, none of it quite seems to work. A confidence once floating in abundance shows no signs of trace now. Some days, you just can’t make a person you care about stop crying.  And it’s fine. Them confiding enough in you to show their weak bits is a support enough. Some days, you just have to be there and remind yourself to not lose YOUR patience or faith in them. Be an anchor till the ship is ready to sail may be.

Stumbled upon you

There is devil; there is the deep blue sea; and then there’s you. You came attached with a pre-written warning. Each meeting as uncertain as the next rainfall.  Each word spoken to you with a sense of trepidation. Each glare aching to stay. Every moment gone by, yearning to be etched. Every touch emanating a spark; each spark begging not to die. The sparks on which books are written. Too many words spoken, yet emotions left unsaid. A story too short to begin, too close to share, too certain of its end. Doesn’t make it any less worthwhile.