Age

Once a self proclaimed night owl, now I sleep before the midnight strikes.

Once a size extra small, now I struggle fitting into my jeans.

Once a quirky soul, now I look in the mirror and see a plain Jane.

Once I had an opinion too strong on things, now I hesitate knowing everything is grey.

Once very sure of my belief system, now I reason with opposing beliefs.

Once vagabond, now so stable.

Once a free being, now responsibilities.

Once sadness was expressed in tears, now it cannot even be explained.

Once I was happy, now I am a different kind of happy.

Once my friends were close, now my friends have kids.

Once I loved the rains, now I am buying umbrellas.

Once I loved to eat, now I am learning to cook my favourites.

Once I read too little, now I like to read and learn more.

Sometimes I wonder, Am I growing as a person or simply aging!

Nights are mine

The night lengthens,

The plot thickens,

Oh morning breeze and splendours of the day,

You please my mind but you can’t take my heart away,

For matters of the heart hit a different way,

They bring you joy, at the same time leaving you in disarray,

Somehow it’s not forced, it’s your own undoing,

Be it the internal simmering or the incessant dreaming,

How does one even capture the mirth and yearning in a single frame?

If I could, I reckon I would be a poet..

Not a night dweller.

Ghazal:

दुनिया का ये रंग, और हम, दुनिया का ये रंग और हम…

कुछ होश नहीं है, सो रहे हैं, कुछ होश नहीं है, सो रहे हैं।

Translation:

This is the world’s way, although we,

Lost to the world, lie sleeping here.

Nights like this

Have you ever missed someone you don’t even know properly? Like the idea of not seeing them again makes you kinda sad. It wasn’t anything. But you suddenly feel very lonely.

The mind plays strange games. There is nothing to hold on to, no reason whatsoever. A tiny glimpse here and there. A feeling. A hunch. An intuition. That’s all.

Some people you connect to in an inexplicable way. You somehow just align perfectly to their world, which is very different from yours. Their presence brings a smile to your face. And their absence is felt too. Your people. But not really yours.

I can’t really explain. Just sad about something that is out of my control. The theme of my thought pool is ‘yearning’. Yearning for a soul that would probably understand why I am feeling the way I am feeling. A tiny speck of wish that this isn’t the end.

If I could hold on to some moments. And not suffer in this internal anguish.

Self Pity Sessions

Sometimes I feel so suffocated, it becomes hard to breathe.
When did I become this utterly sad piece of shit?!
I have no peace of mind.
Have been completely disrespecting myself over the past two years.
There has been so much self-doubt that I have lost track of my real self.
And it is becoming so damn difficult to come out of that mindset.
I write this in despair. What do I need to eliminate?
Ruminating over the past.
Feeling weak.
Being sad that life didn’t turn out as I had imagined.
Letting someone ruin my happiness. I am better than that. C’mon!

A major heap of realization came my way, that people are selfish and you have to fend for yourself.
I am genuinely very sad. That’s all I am feeling at the moment.
Things will never be the same again.
And I have to start afresh.

Primary Color, no more

Missing someone is such a pain. It leaves you with spongy eyes. And a series of sleepless nights. What am I running away from? I don’t think I’ll escape these thoughts. Or ever escape from you. Tiny grains of your character, flashes of your smile, your peculiarities, unrestrained talks, your blemishes and moments of spark, everything has assimilated into me how colors once blended cannot be separated back. They form a composite shade of something new. I am not the same. I guess, now, I am a composite tone of you. Yes, my tints might have affected your contour as well. But I’ll not let it be my concern anymore. I wouldn’t cringe or beam at the thought of you. I would just be, the newer me.

Musings #003

I have decided..like right now-right now, I won’t be grappled by sadness. It comes easy to me. Worrying, missing, shedding a tear, lamenting. I know the pattern now. I fuel it, and it never gets better. Sometimes I feel obligated to be sad. Oh! Such a terrible episode of my life. How can I lighten up? Like this behavior is expected of me. Go by the books, stay in the rut. If I smile, 2% guilt will tag along. So…This ain’t going right. I am not doing it right. I am not required to document my struggle. Struggle is part of life, not necessarily the gist of it. O dearest whacky lil self! Let’s check out the road less traveled. Dust the shelves. Let’s tread the perky path. Tough task here is to discover, what makes me happy. I’ll find my way (Hands doing that peace out gesture).

#transitory phase from sad-sad to happy-sad

Musings #103

#transitory phase from sad-sad to happy-sad

Today is not Yesterday

Because today is a different day altogether! Some days sail smoothly. And some are like wading through the mud. Slow. Dragging. Heavy. Cumbersome. I try to keep in mind that it is a part of the process. Every path won’t be adorned with roses. Every shade of color won’t soothe your eyes. Every food item you eat won’t spring up your taste buds. We have to know bad to realize how important good is. I guess that is nature’s way of balancing things. We see some pretty, and we see some ugly. That’s how we grow. So dear nerves, rest a little. We’ll take dives again.

Cuddle Syndrome

Do you ever wish that you fall asleep and your closest most beloved person comes and strokes your hair all warmly and gently. You don’t wake up, but shrink a little more, smiling, in their surrounding. That touch is so familiar yet so strangely vital to your existence. Every one wants some loving, some mushy mush. We are prone to human intimacy. There is no denying that. But then we get entangled in the cobwebs of who we want, who wants us, stars not aligning, lovers not meeting and all of that crap. Stupid happenings. So for people who have their partners close with them right now, snuggle them tight. Hold on to them. Cuddle it out. And for people like me, who (currently)feel at bay, hold on to your pillows and stuff toys for now, your snuggle buddy is around the corner. 🙂 , 😛 !

Varied sleepy thoughts…zzz

If someone comes along and glues your broken pieces together and then crushes you suddenly, ain’t that double the harm done?! The once glued broken pieces will further shatter into tiny shards, you know n*2 times, and eventually you will just vanish like the dust. Lately, I am not understanding how human relations work. What is supposedly right? What is morally right? How to deal with situations that are beyond your control? I sure tell myself, don’t turn into a crazy person, but I have symptoms galore. This is not even frustration, it is like I have come in terms with the restless side of me. God is not helping too. Will do something absurd in coming days to feel better. May be cut short my hairs.

#silly talks..absolutely silly!