Musings #020

As you grow older, your understanding of love evolves.

You accept love with the added complexities.

Yes, there will be days when love would take a different meaning.

What even is love? It embodies a range of emotions for me.

Finding a moment in your day to think of someone.

Lazy mornings.

A poem that time travels you to the past.

Show of care.

Lost communication.

Love from afar.

Hugs.

Letters.

That one song for one person.

Forgiving.

Accepting.

Assurance.

Love was once passion, love was that uncontrolled angst. It was in the vulnerability and hopes from a person.

Love doesn’t wait now, it’s accepted its fate. Found peace to an extent. Doesn’t get riled up too often. Oh, yes, it is mature now no matter how much you want to deny it.

It is within you, it isn’t all of you.

Age

Once a self proclaimed night owl, now I sleep before the midnight strikes.

Once a size extra small, now I struggle fitting into my jeans.

Once a quirky soul, now I look in the mirror and see a plain Jane.

Once I had an opinion too strong on things, now I hesitate knowing everything is grey.

Once very sure of my belief system, now I reason with opposing beliefs.

Once vagabond, now so stable.

Once a free being, now responsibilities.

Once sadness was expressed in tears, now it cannot even be explained.

Once I was happy, now I am a different kind of happy.

Once my friends were close, now my friends have kids.

Once I loved the rains, now I am buying umbrellas.

Once I loved to eat, now I am learning to cook my favourites.

Once I read too little, now I like to read and learn more.

Sometimes I wonder, Am I growing as a person or simply aging!

Musings #019

4 am

I am overwhelmed by a range of emotions that I don’t have a handle on. Am I happy? Am I sad? I am definitely restless. And clueless.

It’s so difficult to keep yourself busy when your mind isn’t at peace. And god, the social media does not help. Have stopped using IG and switched to Reddit. And it’s slightly better? Who knows.

Been reading books, watching movies, TV shows, going to the gym. I have found a new obsession with Apps. Using an app for everything.

Goodreads for books

Letterboxd for movies

Serializd for TV shows

Money Mgr. for expenses

MyFitnessPal for calorie count

NikeRun Club for Gym

Happy Scale for weight

Spotify for music

Too much time to kill? Probably yeah. Been reading Bridget Jones’s diary and feel like I am turning into her.

Can’t believe my last blog post was one year ago.

Nerves. Got to rest the nerves.

Scrumptious

I baked a cake as a beginner and it was the most amazing thing ever. So proud of the end result!

Trying to be a productive, perky human being by staying active, doing things, yada yada. No room for sad thoughts. Let’s go girl!

I am a Mrs. now.

My Mr. is away, and it’s difficult to deal with the distance sometimes. We are both working at getting together. Something would click!

Musings #012

Unable to register my emotions these days. What am I feeling? Are there no exhilarating moments in my day? Is monotony becoming tolerable.

I am feeling a mildly negative set of emotions.

Stressed, from the incessant workload. Looks like work has become my life. Appears like the stakes are too high. Haven’t taken a leave from 8 months. It’s starting to bother me a bit.

Blank, about my travel scenes. I am supposed to fly back to India once my work gets done. But it keeps extending. It’s not in my hands and I feel that loss of control strongly, each passing day.

Moody, on some days, for no reason at all. Well anyway, when does one ever understand the complex enigma of mood swings.

Self-doubt. Have always had this thinking where I believe I am not good enough. Have not accomplished anything. Have left things in between without notice or any thought. I want to get out of this mindset.

Drained. From social media. It’s becoming even more disappointing, with every passing day. I need to shift my focus on to better things. This whole social media frenzy is a waste of time. IG, FB, Quora, Google, news and what not. I take way too many pictures on my phone. I really need to slow down.

Okay, I am done with my rant for today.

Grown Up talks

Sometimes, I feel it is an okay thing to be lost and dreamy. To be so immersed in your own disorderliness that propriety feels uncanny. You get comfortable in your skin, not vain, yet extremely defensive of any change suggested otherwise. Things that made you extremely insecure at one point of time do not make much sense now. You have outgrown your own subtle dilemmas; outgrown some ties; probably outgrown some people too. Came in terms with your follies. Forgiven yourself and forgiven people who may have wronged you in the past.

Watched this movie today: Mr.Nobody, and got stuck to a quote from it:

Every path is the right path. Everything could have been anything else and it would have just as much meaning.

Living in peace does seem like a ridiculously difficult summit to achieve but one can always work in that direction.

P.S. : The title could even be Sleep Deficit Grown up talks. :D.

Life is for the living

It takes a lot of might to think beyond yourself. Your problems, your shit, your happiness, your importance. I am apparently swimming against the current of stream. Or so it feels. Not even sure if it is the right direction or if there is a way ahead. If it’s all in my head, i’ll better shut off for a while and focus on better things. May be, ignorance is bliss for the moment.

P.S.: Going “philosophical mode ON” today for random reasons.

Tales of a Hopeless Romantic

Probably I would. May be I shouldn’t.
What if I didn’t? If only I could.
May be we are. Clearly we were.
These labyrinth of emotions that you have rendered upon me. I am caught in between the devil and the deep blue sea. My own words don’t make sense to me these days. The wait kills me, and I am on tenterhooks about the confrontation. Profanity and propriety seem to differ only by a thin line. Not even sure if the line exists. Thinking about our simpler times amuses me. We were at the brim of normalcy at one minuscule point. Then, it all turned bizarre. May be bizarre is our destiny. So be it. Amidst all of the chaos, one thing I am certain on. It is the ferocity of my emotions for you and their unwavering will to remain. Am I a fool in love? Then again, who isn’t.

Musings #004

If I have a day to kill, I make sure I kill it with wasteful pondering. Even if I have a lump of chores to finish, I would choose to sit back and think instead. All this time, I am completely aware that I am wasting my time, but I do it anyway.

One good thing I did today was get up early and go on a walk/run/mix of both. My brain didn’t stop there as well. There is this shackled sort of animated character inside me that is so darn willing to break the chains. Move past. Be positive and what not. Whoever coined this term of being in peace with oneself…please hand me the instruction manual to do the same. I do a lot of things when I am alone. The useful things just reach my head as an idea and futile ones, they come like the storm.

So anyway, one interesting idea to hit me was that of a solo trip. Mmmmmmmm?!!! Can I, can I not. If I could, it would really be terrific. Who would click my pics, well there is auto mode. Would it be odd? I guess not. Too bold? little bold. What’s stopping me? Nothing in particular, just a tad bit of hesitation. I’ll get there in due time. Let’s see.