RSS

Category Archives: Perspective

Torn

08 May

This is a bonus post- a poem I put together for something else but felt like sharing here. It deviates a bit from the usual lighthearted tone, but I feel it is in keeping with the overall theme of the search for Truth.

Torn

In the dimly lit hours I came to you
Yearning for your voice, your touch
But dragging my feet all the same
Fearing what I would find

You clasped my hand and said
“Everything will be ok”
I believed you desperately
And despaired

The sounds you made keep me up nights
Yet I sleep to escape my pangs of pain
Still, the quiet was worse- even then
My soul is lost, now, in your silence

I journeyed through grief as a warrior
Wisdom my shield, new perspective my sword
Never knowing the shadow I fought
Was the little child in me, sobbing to be back in your arms

Exhausted I lay, on the floor of the valley of the shadow
Unbidden thoughts took me into the heart of God
Unchained desires left me washed up, desiccated
On shores devoid of the divine

Among the shattered pieces I found my reflection
Reflected to myself, I saw myself anew
Compassionate, confused soul, waiting, trembling
As a breathless twilight awaits the dawn

In the dimly lit hours, you came to me
Your silent presence whispered comfort to my soul
I sat and lost myself in your fleeting embrace
Your spirit passed into me, and I was whole

 
1 Comment

Posted by on May 8, 2013 in Future, Grief, Life, Perspective, Relationship, Tribulations

 

Tags: , , , ,

Pop Goes the Perfectionist

06 May

100_4592Perfectionism.  We are all affected by it, either in ourselves or in a loved one.  It is despicable in the way cancer is despicable- and almost as hard to get rid of.  I could bore your eyes off writing a million pages on the offenses of perfectionism and defense against them, but I won’t.  At least, not all at once.  Instead I’d like to draw your attention to an item that I think is perfect to float out as an initial perfectionism metaphor:

BALLOONS

Balloons are round.  Balloons are pretty.  Balloons can be large, or small, or weirdly shaped.  But the balloon I’m talking about is bad news.  A balloon, for those of you who have never had fun, is a piece of fantastically elastic plastic into which air can be blown to expand it into a bright, often round, symbol of joy and exuberance.  The plastic is in a constant state of tension, stretched to a thin layer.  The air (or helium for all you chipmunks out there) is trapped inside when the plastic tail is tied off.  It’s a beautiful thing, dancing at the end of its string for all to see or falling from the sky in a cascade of congratulatory excitement.  But what if you just kept filling it instead of tying it off, or poked it with sharp objects, or heated it up (I know you wouldn’t do such things to our friendly balloon, but what if someone did?)?

Perfectionism is the balloon.  Or, for a more perfect metaphor, the balloon is you on perfectionism.  See, the point of perfectionism (yes, to be perfect, we know) is to render something both successful and flawless.  This can be a relationship, a report, the cleanliness of a room, your GPA, whether you stubbed your toe trying to get ready in the morning, whether everyone you know likes you, whether other people are judging you for saying that one word wrong, whether the color of the rectangle in the graph matches the border of… you get the idea.  Whatever it is, it has to be good.  And “good” here means “if it has a speck of fail on it, it gets tossed.”  My grandmother once threw out a perfectly good cake because it had a black speck on it- the speck was a tiny burnt cake crumb.  That’s perfectionism.

How is that even remotely like the balloon?  Well, in order for a balloon to perform its function (to be perfectly round, bright, and flawless) it has to enter a state of extreme tension.  And while it does this very well, being that tense makes it quite vulnerable to, well, everything.  The same goes for you perfectionists out there.  In order for the perfectionist to achieve his ideals, he must constantly and relentlessly compare what he is doing to the ideal, and adjust if necessary.  This is extremely stressful.  Not only is he constantly having to adjust his thoughts and behaviors, he’s trying to match something that’s all in his head.  It might be distorted.  It might literally be IMPOSSIBLE to match.  Set your air conditioner to 50 when it’s 120 outside and then listen to your air conditioner.  Hear that?  That’s the kind of stress a perfectionist might have to endure every single day.

That’s not a big deal, the perfectionist says.  I’ve been doing it my whole life, I’m good at it!  It kind of defines who I am at this point.  If I relaxed my standards, people would know I changed, and not for the better.  No, I can handle this tension.  It doesn’t bother me—I must be really good at this!

Bully for you, theoretical perfectionist.  You’re right (as usual, right?), but if you are right it’s only because you haven’t been overpressurized, or left out in the hot sun, or heaven forbid stuck with a pin.  Because even if you’re a badass perfectionist who’s learned to manage her stress under all that tense behavior management, your tension is still there.  You’re vulnerable.  And sooner or later…

POP.

I can say this because I’ve lived it, and I’ve lived it because I am, in fact, a perfectionist.  In the fall of 2008 I was awesome.  I was an academic badass, had landed an overseas internship, was in a great relationship, had lots of friends.  I identified with all of these things, all of these things were good, and therefore I was awesome.  Then my balloon drifted into one of those dressing rooms, the one labeled 2009, where those awkward little pins stick out from that board thing, and…  January 1, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer…. May 23, she breathed her last.  Pop.

For a while my perspective shifted.  My balloon deflated, the initial wave of grief subsided somewhat, and I was able to develop more meaningful relationships with people, live life more fully.  I had brilliant philosophical revelations, meditated regularly, and let my perfectionist tension go for a time while I dealt with the tension of grief and an overturned worldview.  But as time went on, as I graduated, moved away, got a job, got married… my balloon filled back up again, stretched thinner than before, and this time with a patch on the hole of that pinprick.  The tension of all those changes got to me.  I became a wreck, terrified of the next pin, of not being able to inflate the balloon again.  But I have finally come to the realization that is at once the perfectionist’s salvation and greatest fear: you don’t need the balloon.

For whatever reason, we perfectionists see the balloon as the most important thing.  It’s beautiful and smooth and round, and as long as it stays that way we will be loved and admired and so can love ourselves.  But if you’ve ever loved a perfectionist, you know a secret they don’t: far from loving it, you hate that damn balloon.  Sure it’s pretty, and perfect in its narrow-minded way, but you see the futility of it and the energy it takes to keep it inflated.  What you love is the air inside it, the substance of your loved one’s life- her aspirations and talents and quiet wisdom; his suppressed compassion and unique genius- and you yearn for them to LET IT GO.  Untie the balloon and let themselves float free.  As beautiful as the balloon is, is it more beautiful than a gentle breeze, a soft cloud at sunset, a deep breath, a kind whisper?  That is what you see in them, and what is so hard for perfectionists to see in themselves: the balloon is not a showcase, but a prison.  They can be as great and perfect as they dream they can be, and still lock away their natural gifts and talents in pursuit of the ideal.  And stress themselves to the point of bursting while doing it.  That is the tragedy of the perfectionist.

THE TAKE-AWAY

I could go on and on (and plan to at a later date!), but to wrap up an already long post I leave you, my brothers and sisters in perfectionism, with these two thoughts:

Think of someone you love who has a tendency toward perfectionism, and recognize how much you love them, and how little of your love is predicated on the things they are trying to make perfect.

Got that?  Now,

Love yourself the same way.

That’s it.  Because when you love yourself, you realize that the inherent worth of a person, what makes that person lovable at all, has literally nothing to do with all the things we work so hard to make perfect in our lives.  And if it does?  Well, that isn’t actually love at all (more on that later too!)

Deflating the balloon of perfectionism, letting go of that tension, learning to love ourselves in a way that allows us to express our nature without needing to put up a perfect reputation for fear of judgment- it is a difficult challenge for all of us, but for the perfectionist it can be the difference between a stressful life of success and a life free to live up to its fullest potential.  It can be a lifelong journey, and I too am only just beginning it.  The imperfections of a life well lived, expressing who you are, flaws alongside talents, mistakes beside successes- those “imperfections” are what will make your life perfect… for you.

WHAT’S IT TO YOU?

I started this blog with the intention of sharing my observations on life with the world, by turning silly everyday objects, emotions, and occurrences into deep philosophical reflections.  The more readers I got and the more positive feedback I received, the more pressure I put on myself for perfection.  I wrote post after post… until I couldn’t think of a post that was good enough one week.  And then the next.  And rather than put up an imperfect post, I retreated altogether.  My balloon was a beautiful blog floating up into a WordPress sky, waiting to float into space, pop, and fall to Earth forgotten.

As part of my journey into the foreign land of imperfectionism, I’ve decided to throw that old balloon away and return to the blog.  It may well be flawed (there might even be some grammer errors!), but it will be real.  And if it brings one smile, or sparks a new thought, or, miracle of miracles, changes a life for the better?  Then I will have proven my point about the balloon, and this post won’t have been a total waste of… oh wait.  Not supposed to be hung up on results.  It doesn’t have to be world-changing.  Man, this stuff is hard.

And that’s why it’s worth it.

Is there something in your life that you’re good at or interested in doing, but you’ve been holding back from for fear of failure or judgment (by yourself or others)?  This week, take a look at what “balloon” you’ve inflated that brought on that tension… and start taking steps to deflate it!

 
5 Comments

Posted by on May 6, 2013 in Life, Motivation, Perfectionism, Perspective, Random Objects, Uncategorized, Worry

 

Tags: , , , ,

Just the highlights!

21 Feb

Highlighter

Sometimes, when your thoughts get way too complicated, you yearn for only the important stuff. And one simple way to identify and remember what’s important is with a

HIGHLIGHTER

You tech-savvy computer users out there might be more familiar with the highlighting button than our good old-fashioned marker friends, but the idea is the same. You’re confronted with a huge (or maybe just tedious) body of text. There’s a lot of info there; you start to feel overwhelmed and your palms start to sweat. So you reach for that little [insert favorite color—mine’s orange] highlighter and suddenly you feel empowered. If the pen is mightier than the sword, then the highlighter is mightier than the pen. Your eyes start scanning, and you lash out with your strokes of color and rapidly make sense of your document.

Highlighters are great because they have a clear function: to simplify. Whether you are identifying only important things, or things to change, or things that don’t make sense, you are narrowing a LOT of information down to a more manageable amount. And unlike summarizing, where you cut out all but the most important information, all the other information is still there! You can access it immediately, but your eye and the eyes of future readers are drawn to the colorful highlights.

This isn’t meant to send you rushing excitedly to the nearest office superstore in search of a stock of highlighters (although you are more than welcome to go once you’re done reading). Highlighters, like many seemingly mundane items in our lives, have a lesson to teach us.

How often do your thoughts feel like a 120-page document filled with 8-pt text and no pictures? Probably more often than you’d like, between work, family, friends, goals, fun, bills…. there’s a lot going on! People tell you to organize your thoughts: use lists, charts, calendars, reminders, etc. YES, By all means do that! It’s vitally important to your busy life if you want to keep everything from crashing down around your ears.

But sometimes you’ve got a decision to make, and WAAAY too much information with which to make it. You can organize and summarize everything you know: long lists of pros and cons, dos and don’ts, he said, she said, etc. But those lists can severely limit the information you’re working with, and not necessarily in a good way. A lot of times what you really need is to highlight aspects of the information in the context of everything else. How? Conversation.

THE TAKE-AWAY

It occurred to me recently why talking something out with someone is so powerful in making decisions and honing goals.  When you have something weighing on your mind, say a big career move or a relationship issue, there are thousands of thoughts flitting around. Things people said, previous conversations, something you read, past experience, emotional responses: all of these are fighting for your attention. It would probably take you a year to write it all out and organize it in a way that encompasses everything. But why would you? You already have everything in one place: your mind. And your mind is working feverishly trying to organize it for you. At that point, you can think and think and think and wait until your mind comes to a conclusion. But ask yourself, do you really need ALL the available information at once, equally, to make a decision? Chances are, you can get away with just highlighting the important points, but allowing your mind to take them in the context of everything around them.

When we talk to someone, especially when we explain a dilemma, we can really only give them a very finite amount of information. Even if you’re the type of person who spills everything and tends to drone, there are only so many hours in the day. So if you are contemplating a major decision and you want someone’s advice, you aren’t going to burden them with every single point about that decision. You can only give them the most important information, and you have to give the information in a way that they can understand and respond to. And you really only have a split second to do this. After all, you can come to a conversation with a list of things you want to cover, but conversations are impossible to completely plan out. Based on the other person’s response, you have to decide what to dole out next.

If done mindfully, this process of explaining a complex situation to another person serves the same purpose as highlighting a document. It accentuates and clarifies the key information you want to convey. And in the course of the conversation, you can draw from the surrounding “documenting” thoughts to back it up or provide more information. This is useful to whoever you’re talking to, but it’s invaluable to you. Why? Because when you go back and review that conversation in your mind, you have certain thoughts that you know you emphasized. And you also have notes or additional “highlights” that the other person may have provided.

Conversing mindfully and decisively about a complex problem or decision can help highlight what is most important to you while allowing you to solicit insight about key thoughts or points.

With enough of these conversations, you have yourself a mental “document” which you can scan through quickly and decisively to gain the most relevant information. You can cut the worrying and stop mulling over things in circles because everything you need to know stands out. With that kind of clarity, it will be much easier to make a decision.

WHAT’S IT TO YOU?

Think of a major issue or pending decision in your life. Do you feel like you’re spinning your wheels and going over the same points with yourself again and again? Try talking it out and see what comes to mind when you try to explain the problem to someone else. If you feel like you’ve tried this and it hasn’t worked, try talking to someone else (maybe someone farther removed from the issue, an objective third party). Or, try talking to the same people again but be mindful of the points you are bringing up, the lines of conversation that seem to come up most, or the aspects that you are most passionate or clear about. You might find that the answer has been written there all along, it just needed to stand out a little more. Happy highlighting!

 
1 Comment

Posted by on February 21, 2012 in Motivation, Patience, Perspective, Positivity, Random Objects, Relationship, Tribulations

 

Tags: , , , ,

All you need is…

14 Feb

Love

I read something last week that struck me as fundamentally True. It said that the only truly significant thing you can do in life is to love. I realize that “only” is a strong word, but think about this for a moment. What is more significant in life than love? Love of others, love of self, love of whatever God or higher being you believe in: I would bet that just about everything you do in life stems from these things. Anything that doesn’t is probably something you want to change, whether or not you recognize why. People spend a lot of time looking for meaning, purpose, and Truth. Not only do they not always find it, but all too often they come away feeling worse than they did when they started! To find the Truth, and for it to mean anything, you have to look in the right place. So I want to spend some time exploring that place, which happens to be the most important thing in your life:

LOVE

I get that it’s actually Valentine’s Day as I post this, and I doubt I’ll convince you that it’s a coincidence. Unfortunately, when most people think of love, they think of Valentine’s Day. Or sex. Or at the very least, a romantic relationship of some kind. That’s great, and if done correctly, these are very powerful aspects and expressions of love.

But that’s not the Love I’m talking about. Love is greater than all these things, and it can be very difficult to define. Most everyone, religious or not, is familiar with St. Paul’s well-known description of love in 1 Corinthians 4-8. This is essentially what I’m talking about, but it’s still very vague and poetic. What does it actually mean that love is patient, always trusts, or never fails?

Love, at its core, is about connection. Religions from every time and place have venerated this universal connection, whether through a God or gods, an all-pervading life force, or a powerful spiritual state. But believe it or not, atheists often talk about the same thing when asked about the meaning in life. They just describe it differently, usually with more personal and less specific language. Even science, through studies of quantum phenomena and consciousness, is beginning to explore and validate this connection, both on a global scale and between individuals. You may be surprised or angry, and you may disagree, but whatever you believe about it, Love matters to you.

Once you see love as a connection, it’s easier to see it that it comes in many forms that aren’t “romantic.” The love between parent and child is one of the most potent, as is the love that exists between siblings (once they get over fighting with each other). Love exists between friends who open up and share their experiences, from inside jokes and mutual fun to struggles with grief and stress. Listening to your friend vent, supporting them at a relative’s funeral, and throwing them a surprise party are all expressions of love. And though it may be hard to realize, allowing a friend to do these things for you, to accept and be grateful for their love, is equally important.

Is love only between friends and family then? That’s a resounding no; the key we are talking about here is connection, which can apply to anyone. You might think of random acts of kindness. Smiling at a stranger who looks upset, holding a door, giving a genuine compliment, even rushing to someone’s rescue are ways to cultivate a connection to the “outside world” beyond your circle of friends and family. This is still “direct” love between you and another person.

That’s it? you’re thinking. Tell me something I don’t know. This is way obvious.

Remember how I said love is the most important thing in your life? I meant it, and not in a weird, vague sense. Whether it’s challenging or easy for you, direct love is amazing, and the more naturally it comes the closer you are to really getting life. But Love goes even further, into parts of your life that you might not associate with it.

Have you ever sat down to a task that you absolutely hate? If you’re lucky, these tasks are few and far between. But you might feel this way about something that takes up a lot of your time, like work or school. Do you sit down and wonder why the heck you’re doing it? I bet I know why, and I bet it can be traced back to love.

You might think this statement is a stretch. Laundry? A crappy job with a low salary and no hope of advancement? Paying bills? And you’re telling me this is Love?

If you live with someone, either your parents or your significant other or your spouse or your kids, you might see what I’m getting at. You are working that job to support your dependents, or someone is doing the same for you and you’re grateful. You do laundry and dust to keep the environment clean, which improves your health and promotes a positive mindset. You pay the bills to provide for people. You go to school to improve your ability to do these things.

If you live alone, these reasons apply a little differently and bring another love, the love of self, into play. This gets a bad rap because most people replace self-love with selfish. But these are two different things. Brushing your teeth, getting a physical, making money to support yourself, eating well and exercising: do these scream “selfish” to you? Of course not, and yet you do these things out of a love of self. Why? Because taking care of your body, your mind, and your emotional state is critical to being able to relate to the world and to other people. How are you going to love anyone enough to share a smile or give your time if you’ve let yourself go and are miserable and unhealthy?

I could go on and on, but if you think about your life, anything you choose to do that you would rather not do can be traced back to love. What about things you DO want to do? Well, that’s a little tricky. Things like sex, splurging on food and luxuries, or venting your complaints to a friend are healthy and can contribute to a full, beautiful life. Done well and in moderation, they are important expressions of love. But you and I both know they can also tear a life apart if done in excess, and they underscore the fact that Love is deeper than just temporary gratification. Many things point to Love, but access to Love itself is more of a state of being, a mindset.

THE TAKE-AWAY

You might have come to this post expecting the keys to life, and might be feeling like I’ve given you a whole lot of nothing. The thing about love, which has been explained by generations of theologians, scientists, philosophers, and everyday people, is that it is both immensely complex and intensely personal. What I want you to come away with is just how important Love is to EVERY aspect of your life, from your daily commute to a romantic night out. To truly understand Love, take a step back and look at why you do what you do, every decision that you make. See your life objectively, and try to recognize how you feel about its various aspects.  Each of us has qualities about ourselves that we like.  Maybe you’re a good listener, a mentor, or generous with your time.  Chances are, these aspects of yourself, things that lead to satisfaction and fulfillment, are where Love is most present in your life.  Other qualities, like a self-destructive habit or quick temper, might indicate somewhere where your self-love is lacking, which adversely affects your ability to Love others.  Either way, I want you to leave this post and look at your life with this in mind:

Love is at the heart of everything you do. Your ability to recognize it, cultivate it, and truly live it is directly related to your openness, your perspective, and your attitude.

Keeping yourself oriented toward the positive, the meaningful, and the fulfilling aspects of your life is a struggle that we all share daily. The more you do this, the more you come to see drudgery as a time for reflection, setbacks as opportunities to reassess, tragedy as an unexpected instigator of love, and anger as a matter of perspective.

Victory in this internal struggle is never permanent. There is no magic cure-all and this struggle will take every fiber of your will and being to succeed. But once you’ve experienced this true Love, even for an hour or a day, you know it is the answer you’ve been looking for. To lose sight of it is the ultimate disappointment. And to regain it, though it may take years, is the sweetest joy and freedom. You will experience both. But what will determine the quality of your life is how relentlessly you seek to experience Love, and how dedicated you are to resisting the easy path of frustration, self-doubt, complaint, lack of discipline, and despair.

The ultimate expression of self-love is to seek out Love in every aspect of your life. The ultimate expression of love of others is to give of yourself, to recognize and live out your connection to the people around you. Only from an understanding of Love do you gain Purpose. And there is no greater contentment than to know that the Purpose for your life is Love.

What’s it to you?

For the last few months I’ve been discontent. I’ve been constantly looking at aspects of my life I want to change. I’ve been frustrated, anxious, quick to anger and complain, and frankly I became sick of it. That’s really what it took: choosing to be tired of the rut my life was in and it led me to take a step back and try to be more positive. And for the last week, that same life has left me optimistic, fulfilled, and positive. I’ve found myself more responsive to the emotional needs of others, and I’ve begun to recognize the relative unimportance of the stressors that I’d been allowing to define my attitude. And all it took was a decision.

No matter how your life is going, I urge you to do this. Take a look at your attitude toward your home life, your job, your relationships. Is there anything you don’t like about your relationship to these things rather than the things themselves? If the answer is yes, dare to change yourself, or more specifically, your perspective. It will give you the freedom to love others and take yourself less seriously, and if there are external things you want to change, you’ll be in a much better place to conquer these challenges.

No one does this Love stuff perfectly. In fact, I feel somewhat hypocritical for writing this because of my own constant shortcomings. But that is the heart of my message, and my greatest hope for this post and this blog. By sharing both my struggles and insights, which are all too often brought on by tragedy and hardship, I can give you perspective that can help in your life. By reading this and reflecting, by sharing, by commenting, you can hone these ideas and spread them. We are all in this together. Let’s make it mean something.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Connection, Future, Life, Motivation, Patience, Perspective, Positivity, Purpose, Relationship, Tribulations

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Story of my life…

15 Dec

You hear it before you feel it, a brittle rustling of autumn’s last leaves just before the icy wind cuts through your coat. Shivering, you wrap it closer around you, fighting to hold in the warmth as you make your way home through the darkness. It is late; the end of an excruciatingly long day with very little to show for it. All your tired mind wants is to get home and curl up by the fire, but it seems so far. Too far. A siren calls out in the distance, clashing harshly with the soft hum of traffic on the slimy wet pavement, rushing home before the road turns to black ice. Your mood is black as the starless sky, and cold as the pale streetlamps illuminating the mist that seems to block your way.

*RING*

A new sound pierces the cold and fog surrounding you, and you fumble for your phone in your coat pocket, fearing the worst. Whoever would call at this hour could only bear bad news, but you figure it’s best to just get it over with. You answer gruffly, your voice muffled through a scarf.

“Hi. I’m sorry to call so late, I’m sure you’ve had a long day. I…I was just wondering…do you want to grab dinner and maybe go to a movie this weekend?”

The clouds roll back and stars shoot across the sky, golden warmth spreads through you from within, and the garish lamplight now seems as hopeful as a brilliant sunrise after a storm-filled night.

“Yes, absolutely, I’d love that!” you manage to splutter out. You’ve hoped for this for so long, and now the one whom you know is the love of your life is within reach.

“Great!” says the voice on the other end of the line…

Wait a minute, you’re thinking. What blog am I reading?

Feel free to double check the web address and scroll down to check the other posts. Yes, you’re in the right place, at the right time, for an interesting and inspiring emotional moment. And that’s exactly my point! Because the topic of this post is tangled up in the idea of

STORIES

Looking past the obvious generic nature of the above scene, I’m guessing you can relate to the emotions therein. You can see yourself (or remember yourself) in a similar situation, and in your mind’s heart you can feel the bitterness, fatigue, worry, longing, excitement, nervousness, and sheer joy that comes with it.  Maybe you even hear a bit of soundtrack… a low cello line as you cross an abandoned street…mournful violins against the far-off blaring siren…angels singing as you recognize the voice on the phone and your mood begins to soar. It’s like you’re living in a movie. Which is of course ridiculous, right?

Let’s be honest, people don’t write books, plays, and movies out of nowhere, and readers and viewers don’t half-heartedly try to make their lives more like those stories. We create these forms of art to capture the way we feel about our lives and the episodes that make them so vibrant and special, both good and bad. Sure, life seems like a drag compared to epic films at times, but I like to put a song in the back of my head and think of those times as the montage toward the middle of the film. You know the one, where the hero is training for the big fight, or trudging across the wilderness, or waiting patiently (or not) for a lover to come back from some far-off place. You, unfortunately, have to actually experience every second of that, but isn’t that what makes those parts of movies mean something? You know what it’s like to have to do the hard stuff (it’s kind of like working out on a treadmill…), and so you relate to the main character in this and look forward to the action part, where it all starts to mean something.

Story

In the book (or movie) that is your life, you are the main character, the protagonist. The drama, the emotions, the character growth, the illustrations and soundtracks, the points of view and camera angles, all center on you in your mind. Your family and friends are your supporting cast of characters, and those “other” people out there are all extras cast by your life situation to fill in the realism of each scene. No matter how altruistic you are, the story is all about you. This is exciting! If you were to play it all back at the end of your life, you’d most likely see a series of stories underlying the main one, with development, conflict, climax and resolution in many layers and timescales. Every day you get to write a little bit more, except you are also at the mercy of what the other characters and settings throw at you.

It can be fun to think about your life as a book or movie, and sometimes you can learn a lot about yourself by organizing your thoughts about past, present, and future in this way. And that’s great! But it isn’t my point. Look at the above paragraph in which I state that it’s all about YOU, and then think about what that actually means. It means that everyone, everywhere, who has ever lived, has been the main character in his or her own story. That’s mind-boggling, because that’s a TON of material when you multiply the history of the world by that many points of view!

The real kicker, though, is YOUR relationship to those other stories. Maybe you’re a supporting role in your best friend’s life, but what are you to the guy who held the door open for you this morning, or the woman making your latte, or the CEO of Google? Barring any extreme circumstances, you’re likely just an extra, part of the background of a story that you’re a part of but will never know on an emotional level. Those people all have stories too, but they are like the books and DVDs that you glance at on the shelf before moving on.

THE TAKE-AWAY

So what? you ask. It would be impossible for me to get to know every single person out there just for the sake of “knowing their story.” 

It sure would, so why am I even bothering you with this? Because you are a PART OF THEIR STORIES whether you are paying attention to it or not. And as such, even if it’s just a minor part, you have a choice to make on how you play that role. Do you want to be the grumpy one who shoves aside the main character in the mall because you’re in a hurry? The ignorant one who cuts them off in traffic? Those episodes are important to their story, insofar as how they react, and important to yours as to why you did those things. But they don’t leave the reader feeling good about your character. Too much of that, and you could end up like the villain of the story.

Why, if this is your one bit part, would you want to be the bad guy? Instead, you could be the unexpected help, the inspiration or kind word from a stranger that turns the hero’s day around, the smile that sets the tone for their next scene. By bringing a bit of light to another person’s setting, you improve the mood of their story and set them up to do great things in the next chapter. And the great thing is, this is entirely your choice! Anyone watching the other person’s movie will think, wow, what a great moment in the story. And perhaps just as importantly, it’s bound to improve your own plot as well.

Everyone is the star of their life story, but the part you play in the stories of the people around you is just as important to their lives and yours.

So the next time you’re driving in traffic, busy at work, hanging out with friends or family, or meeting someone new, don’t just think about who that person is to you, but who you are to them and the part you play in making their life what it is. Be more than an extra and take the extra step to be a positive influence, and your story will be richer for it.

WHAT’S IT TO YOU?

If you haven’t before, think about your life in terms of a story. Look at it in the context of relationships with others, themes like sports or school, lessons you’ve learned, straight chronological events, or especially dramatic moments. Think about your “cast of characters” and the ways in which they have made your life story come to life. Then think about your role in the lives of others and what you can do as an extra or supporting role to make a positive impact on their stories.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on December 15, 2011 in Connection, Life, Perspective, Purpose, Relationship

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

When in doubt…

13 Dec

Doubt

Decisions, decisions. They’re everywhere. They can loom like a dark cloud on the horizon for days, or strike like lightning out of a clear blue sky. Decisions test your memory of the past and how clearly you’ve defined your direction for the future. They can be simple or tough, trivial (Where should I eat dinner? Heads or tails?) or critical (The building is burning down, do I go left or right? Where should I go to college?). Decisions shape your path and determine your destination. And while sometimes you can field them like a ping-pong master, there are other times when you flee from them as you would a pack of velociraptors. But it isn’t the decision you’re fleeing, it’s the raptors. They are trying to stop you from making the right decision; they want to eat you instead. Why? Because the raptors represent

DOUBT

Doubt has terrible connotations, most of which you know and don’t need to be repeated here. At best, doubt is viewed as a weakness. To the judgmental observer, doubting yourself or your situation means you are indecisive, uninformed, underprepared, and your future is likely to suffer as a consequence. To you, in your own mind, doubt is all of these things magnified many times over. It invites its friends guilt, anxiety, and paranoia to come on over and play a heavy metal depressionfest in your soul. You can’t hear yourself think, and at this point you’d really rather not even try—maybe the whole thing will just go away.

There are two general situations in your life in which doubt really has the power to cut your figurative knees out from under you. These are:

1)      DECISION TIME: There is a clear choice to be made. You have options, you have information coming out of your ears, and more than likely the stakes are high. It’s make or break time, but no matter how much info you gather or how many people you talk to, you seem even farther from making a decision than when you started. The moment of truth is TOMORROW? Are you kidding me? How are you going to choose?!

2)      IT’S NOT WORKING: Let’s not get into the sordid details of why it’s not working, or what awful decisions you might have made in the past or what rotten luck you have. The fact is, where you’re at now isn’t right, and the worst thing is you really don’t know why. You try to be reasonable, but doubt drags at you like a lead ball and makes you question why you even bothered trying in the first place. You’ve got to decide what to do now, but if the past is any indication, you’re doomed either way. So, what do you do now?

Doubtless, there are other times when doubt is a real kicker. But in numbers 1 and 2, we often find doubt to be utterly paralyzing and almost impossible to shake. What are you supposed to do with that?

THE TAKE-AWAY

So now that I’ve told you how awful yet inevitable doubt is in your life, I have a surprise twist for you:

Not only is doubt NOT as terrible as people want you to think, it is both BENEFICIAL and NECESSARY to a full experience of life.

Here’s the deal. Everything I scared the crap out of you with above (which you can all relate to, let’s be honest) isn’t really about doubt or decisions at all. It’s caught up in other things like fear, guilt, and anxiety, which are more complicated and (maybe, if you’re lucky) will be explored later. You react to doubt because you see it as a threat, and you see it as such because having to make important decisions undermines your sense of security. But there is a way of looking at doubt that is, if not less scary, at least less emotionally and negatively charged.

Doubt, skepticism, worry, anxiety: they all spin off of having to make a choice. But the same way you break out the legal pad and weigh the pros and cons of what TV to buy for your living room, your mind is simply weighing the pros and cons of any situation in life where you have to make a choice. It’s just that instead of size, screen type, 3D, brand, and picture quality, you’re throwing in things like past experience, emotional baggage, anxiety about the stakes of the future, worry over how your choice is perceived, and embarrassment over doubting yourself in the first place. These are the technical specs of your life that you’re weighing, but the problem is you are a biased judge, and every little detail produces an emotional response.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: STOP! Listen to what you’re actually doing, because I have no doubt you aren’t actually paying attention. You’re taking the elements of an isolated decision, even if it’s a very important and complicated one, and you’re bringing in all of the emotional issues that come with every single aspect of what affects and is affected by said decision. The fact is, those very tough worrisome decisions are just like any other: you have options, you have information, and you have the good sense to pick the best alternative. That’s all you need!

Now there are two easy steps: 1) Take what you’ve got in the time you’ve got and make your best choice, and 2) DON’T WORRY, either during or after the decision making process, about whether you’re right. You’re going to do your best, and then one of three things will happen: 1) You will choose wrongly, it will become apparent why, and you’ll learn from it and move on, 2) Circumstances beyond your control will make your choice better or worse than you expected and there’s nothing you can or could ever do about it, or 3) You’ll be happy with your choice and never even think about it again.

And the fun thing is, do you know what’s going to ensure that you’re going to make your best choice? DOUBT! Doubt focuses you, makes you scrutinize every detail until you’re as comfortable as you’re going to be with the choice you make. How would you have ANY hope of making the right choice if you didn’t have doubt to make you weigh your options? Don’t worry about doubt, WIELD it! It is your internal scale, giving you the chance to make an informed decision and not simply choose blindly. Doubt is your greatest asset in a decision, without a doubt, because it tells you there’s a choice to be made and gives you the best chance to make the right one.

Does that sound scary? Of course not. Why? Because you know you’re going to do your best given the circumstances, and no matter what happens you have the chance to come out on top. Always the way you expect, want, or plan for? Absolutely not. But do you really think that if you keep deciding to make decisions, building up experience from past successes and failures, you are still going to end up a failure?

I tend to doubt it.

WHAT’S IT TO YOU?

Think of a decision you made or are trying to make, particularly a very stressful one. What causes you to doubt your decision? More importantly, why is this so stressful?

Try listing the pros and cons and see what about the ELEMENTS of the decision are creating the anxiety. Then you can put them in their place with the proper perspective. It’s your life and you KNOW this stuff. Use your experience and make the best choice. Chances are, the worst that can happen is that you learn a lesson that will help you choose better in the future!

 
1 Comment

Posted by on December 13, 2011 in Future, Perspective, Positivity, Tribulations, Worry

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

So nervous…

15 Nov

In life, there are some things you can control, and these things are wonderful. Things like when you get up in the morning, what you wear to work, what you have for lunch, or who you talk to during the day. They allow you to exert your will on the world, and who doesn’t like to feel in control? But in practice, these are harder to control than they appear to be. This is due in part to pesky things like emotions and habits. But it is more likely a result of that vast menagerie of factors that you CAN’T control: things like ethnicity, disasters, weather, computer bugs, illnesses, sports teams, traffic, and, of course, other people. These can wreak havoc on your ability to direct your life, and, without the proper perspective, can lead to a serious affliction known as

WORRY

If you’re reading this, you’ve been alive long enough to have noticed that things often don’t go your way. They can be circumstances that you’re born with and are therefore stuck with, or events that happen over the course of your life that either piss you off or completely alter your perspective and direction. These things are everywhere, and you’re worried sick about them. Why?

”I’ll tell you why, they’re screwing up my life! Every time I make a plan or try to get ahead something shoots me down! There are things about me that could ruin all of my goals!”

Yes, I probably can’t argue with any of that (not to where I’d convince you, anyway). Death, recessions, bad genes, car crashes, nutty colleagues… all of these suck, clearly. But why are you worried about them? If they happened in the past, you’ve probably moved on to some degree. You’ve fought those battles and hopefully made peace with the outcomes, because if there’s one thing you DEFINITELY can’t change, it’s the past (unless you have a time-turner, in which case, Godspeed). But worry isn’t about the past, it’s about the future.

In fact, this whole post is really about the future. Think about the future, please. In your mind’s eye you might see yourself taking an upcoming trip, getting married, having kids, growing old, winning the lottery, getting a promotion. I have some bad news: none of those things is going to happen. Yes, I said it. And do you know why? Because your mind’s eye is extremely prone to illusions, and all of the things you see happening are laden with little details that your mind is filling in. Those things might happen. In fact, I hope they do! But I can almost guarantee they won’t happen the way you expect them to in your daydreams. Does that make them bad? Absolutely not! I, for one, have been on vacations that were ten times better than they were even in my most optimistic predictions. But the places I went were almost nothing like what I expected.

Now I want you to think about the future again. This time your mind’s eye has a dark circle around it as it looks upon bankruptcy, infertility, deaths, fire, burglary, losing jobs, being betrayed by friends. STOP LOOKING! Are you beginning to see the point? These things are possible, but not only are they highly unlikely, but your mind is filing in all sorts of sordid details that make them a thousand times worse than they would be in real life! Even if the worst case happens, it wouldn’t be as bad as your mind could make it. The mind is a powerful animal. The same way it can create vivid, life-like dreams, it can create one of these dark futures in your mind, and then you become convinced of its reality by living and reliving it in your head. The same way you get excited when you mentally play out a vacation, you produce anxiety by mentally torturing yourself. This is the foundation of worry, and it’s going to drive you crazier than you already are.

Here’s a secret about the future that your mind doesn’t want me to tell you: IT DOESN’T EXIST! Even if everything is written out in some cosmic book, as far as you’re concerned the present moment is all there is. The past is more real than the future because at least it leaves some physical trace of its passing. Yes, there are indicators of things that are going to happen in the future, and yes, some things can be predicted. But even though you can predict the sun will rise, you can’t predict exactly what it will look like. You can get excited about a magnificent golden display, or worry about a dreary overcast sky. But that’s your mind again, and the things you are really worried about aren’t as cut and dry as whether the sun will rise. Instead, you are worried about how it will make you feel, how it will affect you, and more importantly, how it will affect your PLANS. Your mind has decided what the “ideal” future looks like, and now it is doing its best to find all the ways it could fail. Your own expectations are setting the stage for your worst fears.

THE TAKE AWAY

Maybe you think I’m going to launch into a spiel on “don’t worry, be happy,” or “don’t worry about what you can’t control.” I’m not, because you know these things and you still worry, so clearly that’s not the answer. Instead, I only ask that you think back, maybe twenty years ago, maybe yesterday. Think of something you were REALLY worried about, maybe something you had to do or a situation you were in that you couldn’t see ending any way but badly. Got one? Good. Now don’t think about what happened. I don’t care if your worst fears were realized or if your enemies suddenly fell on their own swords and vanished. Instead, think about right here, right now, reading this post, and recognize that no matter what happened, or what happens next,

Look into this face and tell me you're still worried

Look into this face and tell me you’re still worried

Right now, you are okay.

Maybe a loved one is dying, or your job sucks, or you’re having relationship problems, and you are convinced that you’re not okay. I didn’t say EVERYTHING is okay. I said you are. You’re breathing, you have enough money to afford whatever you’re reading this on, and someone somewhere loves you. Don’t believe me? Well, eventually, whether a few hours or many years from now, you’ll look back on this time and think, “Yes, that happened. But I’m okay now.” And that’s the beauty of the future: the sun will rise, this too shall pass. And when you’ve lived your last day and past, present, and future blend into one, I hope you realize the truth that has been lurking there just out of sight all along: That no matter what storms are blowing around or inside you, no matter how little control you feel like you have, you are, and always have been, okay.

WHAT’S IT TO YOU?

Think of a time when you were worried sick about something. Did it end well or poorly, and what effect did worrying have on the outcome (if any)? How does remembering that time affect your perspective on whatever you’re worried about now?

Comments and discussion are always welcome! Life teaches us all lessons. Share what you’ve learned!

 
2 Comments

Posted by on November 15, 2011 in Future, Perspective, Positivity, Tribulations, Worry

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Are you doing that on Purpose?

27 Oct

Purpose

You see on your computer screen the beginning of something wonderful, and, it is… wait for it…

The First Post.

Obviously there won’t be many readers for this post, it being the First one.  Maybe only two or three of you will read this the first time, and I probably made you come here.  So I don’t want to start with anything too complicated or deep, since so few people will be here to appreciate it.  For now.  That said, let’s move onto our first topic:

THE MEANING OF LIFE

This is one of those great topics that can either fill entire libraries (that is, a couple of flash drives) or, as in the case of this post, a couple of lines.  I mean, I could elaborate on every aspect of what makes life meaningful (and you could click on something shiny in another window) OR I can ease you into the shallow end with an oversimplified version that looks at one aspect of why we’re here.  You know that aspect as Purpose.  And so we begin….

There are 3 things that everyone is trying to do in life.  These are:

1)     Be born.  This helps a lot with completing the rest of the list.

2)     Stay alive once born.  Parents or other guardians are very helpful in this early on, but once you start to become a little self-sufficient, the things you are seeking for this step include (but are not limited to):

a.      Water

b.     Food

c.      Shelter

d.     Purpose “Whoa!” you say.  “Stop right there.  Just because you’re allegedly writing about the meaning of life doesn’t mean you can throw “Purpose” in there with water and food!”  Actually, friend, I believe I can.  Bear with me through number 3 and I’ll explain…

3)     Use the time you are alive to ACHIEVE things.

Numbers 1 and 2(a-c) constitute “life.”  Animals, plants, people, etc. are trying to do these things.  Yes they might be trying to do other things too, but they’re DEFINITELY trying to do these things.

The meaning of life is tied up in Numbers 2(d) and 3.  Once you have water, food, and shelter (lumping in clothing with shelter here) reasonably taken care of, what is next?  In today’s world, even in the poorest settings, there is time and effort available beyond mere survival that needs to be fulfilled with PURPOSE.  What are you trying to do?  What are you trying to ACHIEVE?

Maybe you’re looking to get married, raise a family, get your children a better life than you have had.  That’s purpose.  Maybe dedicating yourself to climbing the corporate ladder and making a difference in the business world.  Purpose.  Maybe joining a nonprofit and fighting for a cause.  Pur… See where I’m going here?

In my experience, feeling that you lack purpose in your life can threaten your mental and physical health just as much as starving yourself can.  Say you are employed but are not fulfilled, or can’t make ends meet.  Or you are married with kids but are in a toxic relationship and your kids don’t respect you.  Ostensibly (that’s right, ostensibly), you have purpose in both cases.  But if you feel overwhelmed to the point that you can no longer SEE the purpose, it could be the same as actually having no purpose.

A sense of purpose gives people a reason to live, and can stem from things like:

  • Relationships with family and friends
  • Activities that one enjoys and finds meaningful, or
  • Skills that one can apply to paid or unpaid work, particularly work that you feel is worth something.

Usually this is tied up in fun things like talents and interests as well, which make people’s true ideas of purpose as unique as they are.  When one has a strong passion for life and a feeling that they are making a difference, whether to themselves or their family or their community or the world, then it supersedes merely staying alive.  People will sacrifice their own lives if they feel it will further the purpose they see for themselves in life.

THE TAKE-AWAY!
So what’s the meaning of life?  Well on the surface level barely scratched by this post, it’s simply this:

The meaning of life is to figure out what you are passionate about, to use your passion and ability to help others find theirs, and to pursue outlets to channel your passion into bettering yourself and others.

If you feel this meaning of life is lacking it’s supposed to be! (I’m talking to those of you who want to ask things like “well, what does it even mean to ‘better’ yourself? What’s the point?”)  Don’t worry, we’ve barely scratched the surface.  All I want you to do now is think about what drives you, what you see as your purpose, and all the other things that play into that idea.  This goes for you personally and for people in general.

How important is Purpose to YOU?  The answer to that might make a difference in how you decide to run the rest of your day… and live the rest of your life.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on October 27, 2011 in Future, Life, Motivation, Perspective, Positivity, Purpose

 

Tags: , , , , ,

 
Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started