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Ideology Unleashed

13 May

My wife and I got a dog recently, and one of the most fun yet terrifying things to do with a new dog is take him to the dog park. The first time we went, all we could think of was all of the things that could go wrong: What if he manages to do a Houdini through that chain link fence? Or doesn’t want to have anything to do with us? What if he likes another family better, and decides to go home with them, and we’re left weeping…?

Ok, that’s admittedly unlikely. But it does cross one’s mind as a paranoid new dog parent. Because the most stand-out feature of a dog park, is that the dog must be let off his

LEASH

We live in a somewhat urban neighborhood. Cars park everywhere, houses are close together, everyone has a beast at the threshold (usually a dog, or cat, or several of both). Doggie danger is lurking around every corner. Leashes exist to keep your dog under firm control in a place where he could probably take care of himself, but just in case you want to be able to jerk him back when it’s clear you know best. That squirrel, for instance, is not worth becoming roadkill- obvious to you, less obvious to your furry friend.

What I discovered at the dog park, though, is that while at first our dog launched himself into the woods and disappeared (cue panic! panic! panic!), his adorable loping self came bounding out of the treeline shortly thereafter. He wanted to make sure that WE were safe (he is, after all, our protector. In his mind.) From then on, he would wander about, sniffing and socializing, doing what dogs doo, and occasionally getting run over by a bigger dog he felt (incorrectly) that he was a match for in size and could outrun. But he would always have an eye towards us to make sure we were available. He would circle back occasionally to smile a hello, and more rarely to snuggle for protection from the aforementioned big dogs (who were, in fact, both bigger and faster- surprise!). The fact that he was “free”, and yet at the end of the day still inexorably “leashed” to us by family connection, got me thinking…

Think of the dog as the average, run-of-the-mill person (don’t get too insulted, our dog is extremely cute- there are worse things I could compare a person to; besides, I’m sure you don’t think of yourself as run-of-the-mill anyway). And think of the person holding the leash, the “owner” if you will, as any large, ideological entity. Examples would include political parties, institutions such as universities, organizations such as (dare I mention it? eh why not) the NRA, or religions (yeah, I went there too).

You probably see where I’m going with this, but let me explain anyway. Many, many people, consciously or not, sit and let one of these entities harness them up and put them on a leash. This isn’t inherently a problem, if the person has chosen to follow the entity. After all, a dog on a leash can’t get lost, and is protected from all sorts of terrible dangers. Our “leashed” persons are protected too, from getting hit by metaphorical cars or bitten by metaphorical snakes. This is great, right? Well, sure, if the “owner” is like us: we unconditionally love our dog (even if he is psychotic at times) and would never lead him astray.

However, one can imagine a scenario with a negligent owner- one who holds the leash but never lets Fido sniff about; or worse, ties his leash to a tree and just leaves him alone for a bit. Or a harsh, punishing owner- one who jerks the leash and uses it against poor Fido (who, bless his heart, just wants to pee on that hydrant). Or even worse, an abusive owner- one who leashes Fido and deprives him of food, or water, or exercise, or makes him fight other similarly abused Fidos who he didn’t actually have any beef with in the first place.

When people “leash” themselves to ideological groups, it is usually (though not always) an expression of personal choice at the beginning. The problem arises when the “owner’s” behavior deviates from the original idea; or the “leash” changes hands without the person’s permission; or the person sees another, potentially much kinder and loving, “owner” across the ideological street but has no hope of going to them. These people might rebel a little in these cases, but they are bound so tightly to the group that their guilt, family, colleagues, or group leadership is able to use the “leash” to pull them back into line.

Nazi Germany and Westboro Baptist Church come to mind as organizations which had/have extraordinarily tight leashes on their followers. These followers, whether they harnessed up voluntarily or when they were too young to know the difference, end up having a hell of a time breaking free from the leash if they decide the time has come for a new owner. Now, obviously, most organizations aren’t quite this astringent to their followers. But we all know people who, for reasons entirely their own, follow organizations with whom they are affiliated blindly, even when we know these people well enough to know that the organization’s direction and their own may not be in sync. That’s the thing about being on a leash. When you’re on that leash, you and your owner are one entity. To attempt to break away is to be a “bad dog”, to one degree or another. Compliance is good, even if it hurts inside.

Now go back to the dog park with me. As I said, our dog will wander about and explore, but it is as if he is still attached to us on a leash- just one that’s much longer and able to pass through inconvenient obstructions like people and trees. But he is still our dog, fiercely loyal and willing to forego even chasing a squirrel to make sure he hasn’t lost us. I have no doubt he’d do the same in the neighborhood. There, the actual leash is necessary to make sure he doesn’t have a momentary lapse and run out into the street; for the most part, he rarely pulls against the leash, since we’re going the same way and doing the same thing anyway. The connection that keeps him around even when he’s free to run is built on love, mutual trust, and respect (insofar as these things are possible for a dog, even a genius dog like ours). I feel sure if we started beating him and yelling at him, that invisible leash would be nonexistent. In that case, I would run too if I was him. Run away and never return.

THE TAKE-AWAY

What I’m trying to get across is that our dog follows us at the dog park because he chooses to do so. We’ve welcomed him into our home and care for him, and in return he stays nearby at the dog park and lets us do invasive things like take him to the vet and give him a bath. People can choose to relate to organizations and ideologies the same way- if you’ve been welcomed, treated well, and have been able to meaningfully contribute to and receive benefit from such an entity, there is no reason for you to run. You can always go sniff out other ideas, and you’re free to judge whether to follow them or to turn up your nose and return home. And if your owner starts to yell or otherwise mistreat you, there is nothing stopping you from escaping a bad situation. In other words,

Choose affiliations which reflect your views and beliefs and which you are proud to associate with. Such a choice should be made independently of external pressures. That way, if your affiliation starts to go down a wrong path, these pressures won’t prevent you from distancing yourself from your “owner” and finding a better fit.

It comes down to being independent and grounded even as you plug into communities. Communities are important- they are necessary to connect with many people who are “like us” on the grounds of interests and beliefs, and at their best can help us learn and grow as individuals in a supportive environment. You can protect yourself, and your reputation, by basing who and what you associate yourself with on your own personal values and beliefs- which are unique to you and your experience- rather than attaching yourself to a belief and holding it because someone told you to.

And for those of you wondering what happens if, flush with your newfound independence, you stray away from an “owner” who actually meant you only good? Here’s a story for you: When we first got our dog, he got off his leash when I had taken him out. I didn’t know the ins and outs of dog ownership yet, and he led me on a merry chase through the neighborhood, dashing in front of cars and getting into all sorts of dangerous (or so it seemed to me) situations in the night. I finally found enough strangers on the streets to corral him. Funnily enough, when he felt like these other people were coming after him (which they were, since I asked them to), he turned and ran back to me and rolled over for a reassuring belly rub.

The point is, the best “owners”- the ones worth being associated with- will keep after you and (at least attempt to) watch over you as you fumble through this process of choosing. And when you run into the dangers of the world and recognize your mistake, they’ll be right there waiting to pick you up and bring you safely home if you choose to return to them.

WHAT’S IT TO YOU?

This topic is near and dear to me because it causes me physical pain when people maniacally defend ideas they know must be wrong, just because some group said it and thus made it “right” in their minds. To agree internally and affiliate based on that agreement is one thing. But to let your affiliations define your beliefs? That’s a different thing altogether, and can be dangerous not only to you, but to society as a whole.

So take a moment and evaluate your own affiliations, even ones you might never have thought to question before. Do you buy into the ideas and actions of the organizations you follow? If not, consider that you might be on a “leash”, and allow yourself to question whether it’s time to break free. Even if you decide to stay, you’ll be glad to know you’re free to chase that squirrel at any time!

 
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Posted by on May 13, 2013 in Individualism, Life, Purpose, Relationship

 

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Torn

08 May

This is a bonus post- a poem I put together for something else but felt like sharing here. It deviates a bit from the usual lighthearted tone, but I feel it is in keeping with the overall theme of the search for Truth.

Torn

In the dimly lit hours I came to you
Yearning for your voice, your touch
But dragging my feet all the same
Fearing what I would find

You clasped my hand and said
“Everything will be ok”
I believed you desperately
And despaired

The sounds you made keep me up nights
Yet I sleep to escape my pangs of pain
Still, the quiet was worse- even then
My soul is lost, now, in your silence

I journeyed through grief as a warrior
Wisdom my shield, new perspective my sword
Never knowing the shadow I fought
Was the little child in me, sobbing to be back in your arms

Exhausted I lay, on the floor of the valley of the shadow
Unbidden thoughts took me into the heart of God
Unchained desires left me washed up, desiccated
On shores devoid of the divine

Among the shattered pieces I found my reflection
Reflected to myself, I saw myself anew
Compassionate, confused soul, waiting, trembling
As a breathless twilight awaits the dawn

In the dimly lit hours, you came to me
Your silent presence whispered comfort to my soul
I sat and lost myself in your fleeting embrace
Your spirit passed into me, and I was whole

 
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Posted by on May 8, 2013 in Future, Grief, Life, Perspective, Relationship, Tribulations

 

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Pop Goes the Perfectionist

06 May

100_4592Perfectionism.  We are all affected by it, either in ourselves or in a loved one.  It is despicable in the way cancer is despicable- and almost as hard to get rid of.  I could bore your eyes off writing a million pages on the offenses of perfectionism and defense against them, but I won’t.  At least, not all at once.  Instead I’d like to draw your attention to an item that I think is perfect to float out as an initial perfectionism metaphor:

BALLOONS

Balloons are round.  Balloons are pretty.  Balloons can be large, or small, or weirdly shaped.  But the balloon I’m talking about is bad news.  A balloon, for those of you who have never had fun, is a piece of fantastically elastic plastic into which air can be blown to expand it into a bright, often round, symbol of joy and exuberance.  The plastic is in a constant state of tension, stretched to a thin layer.  The air (or helium for all you chipmunks out there) is trapped inside when the plastic tail is tied off.  It’s a beautiful thing, dancing at the end of its string for all to see or falling from the sky in a cascade of congratulatory excitement.  But what if you just kept filling it instead of tying it off, or poked it with sharp objects, or heated it up (I know you wouldn’t do such things to our friendly balloon, but what if someone did?)?

Perfectionism is the balloon.  Or, for a more perfect metaphor, the balloon is you on perfectionism.  See, the point of perfectionism (yes, to be perfect, we know) is to render something both successful and flawless.  This can be a relationship, a report, the cleanliness of a room, your GPA, whether you stubbed your toe trying to get ready in the morning, whether everyone you know likes you, whether other people are judging you for saying that one word wrong, whether the color of the rectangle in the graph matches the border of… you get the idea.  Whatever it is, it has to be good.  And “good” here means “if it has a speck of fail on it, it gets tossed.”  My grandmother once threw out a perfectly good cake because it had a black speck on it- the speck was a tiny burnt cake crumb.  That’s perfectionism.

How is that even remotely like the balloon?  Well, in order for a balloon to perform its function (to be perfectly round, bright, and flawless) it has to enter a state of extreme tension.  And while it does this very well, being that tense makes it quite vulnerable to, well, everything.  The same goes for you perfectionists out there.  In order for the perfectionist to achieve his ideals, he must constantly and relentlessly compare what he is doing to the ideal, and adjust if necessary.  This is extremely stressful.  Not only is he constantly having to adjust his thoughts and behaviors, he’s trying to match something that’s all in his head.  It might be distorted.  It might literally be IMPOSSIBLE to match.  Set your air conditioner to 50 when it’s 120 outside and then listen to your air conditioner.  Hear that?  That’s the kind of stress a perfectionist might have to endure every single day.

That’s not a big deal, the perfectionist says.  I’ve been doing it my whole life, I’m good at it!  It kind of defines who I am at this point.  If I relaxed my standards, people would know I changed, and not for the better.  No, I can handle this tension.  It doesn’t bother me—I must be really good at this!

Bully for you, theoretical perfectionist.  You’re right (as usual, right?), but if you are right it’s only because you haven’t been overpressurized, or left out in the hot sun, or heaven forbid stuck with a pin.  Because even if you’re a badass perfectionist who’s learned to manage her stress under all that tense behavior management, your tension is still there.  You’re vulnerable.  And sooner or later…

POP.

I can say this because I’ve lived it, and I’ve lived it because I am, in fact, a perfectionist.  In the fall of 2008 I was awesome.  I was an academic badass, had landed an overseas internship, was in a great relationship, had lots of friends.  I identified with all of these things, all of these things were good, and therefore I was awesome.  Then my balloon drifted into one of those dressing rooms, the one labeled 2009, where those awkward little pins stick out from that board thing, and…  January 1, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer…. May 23, she breathed her last.  Pop.

For a while my perspective shifted.  My balloon deflated, the initial wave of grief subsided somewhat, and I was able to develop more meaningful relationships with people, live life more fully.  I had brilliant philosophical revelations, meditated regularly, and let my perfectionist tension go for a time while I dealt with the tension of grief and an overturned worldview.  But as time went on, as I graduated, moved away, got a job, got married… my balloon filled back up again, stretched thinner than before, and this time with a patch on the hole of that pinprick.  The tension of all those changes got to me.  I became a wreck, terrified of the next pin, of not being able to inflate the balloon again.  But I have finally come to the realization that is at once the perfectionist’s salvation and greatest fear: you don’t need the balloon.

For whatever reason, we perfectionists see the balloon as the most important thing.  It’s beautiful and smooth and round, and as long as it stays that way we will be loved and admired and so can love ourselves.  But if you’ve ever loved a perfectionist, you know a secret they don’t: far from loving it, you hate that damn balloon.  Sure it’s pretty, and perfect in its narrow-minded way, but you see the futility of it and the energy it takes to keep it inflated.  What you love is the air inside it, the substance of your loved one’s life- her aspirations and talents and quiet wisdom; his suppressed compassion and unique genius- and you yearn for them to LET IT GO.  Untie the balloon and let themselves float free.  As beautiful as the balloon is, is it more beautiful than a gentle breeze, a soft cloud at sunset, a deep breath, a kind whisper?  That is what you see in them, and what is so hard for perfectionists to see in themselves: the balloon is not a showcase, but a prison.  They can be as great and perfect as they dream they can be, and still lock away their natural gifts and talents in pursuit of the ideal.  And stress themselves to the point of bursting while doing it.  That is the tragedy of the perfectionist.

THE TAKE-AWAY

I could go on and on (and plan to at a later date!), but to wrap up an already long post I leave you, my brothers and sisters in perfectionism, with these two thoughts:

Think of someone you love who has a tendency toward perfectionism, and recognize how much you love them, and how little of your love is predicated on the things they are trying to make perfect.

Got that?  Now,

Love yourself the same way.

That’s it.  Because when you love yourself, you realize that the inherent worth of a person, what makes that person lovable at all, has literally nothing to do with all the things we work so hard to make perfect in our lives.  And if it does?  Well, that isn’t actually love at all (more on that later too!)

Deflating the balloon of perfectionism, letting go of that tension, learning to love ourselves in a way that allows us to express our nature without needing to put up a perfect reputation for fear of judgment- it is a difficult challenge for all of us, but for the perfectionist it can be the difference between a stressful life of success and a life free to live up to its fullest potential.  It can be a lifelong journey, and I too am only just beginning it.  The imperfections of a life well lived, expressing who you are, flaws alongside talents, mistakes beside successes- those “imperfections” are what will make your life perfect… for you.

WHAT’S IT TO YOU?

I started this blog with the intention of sharing my observations on life with the world, by turning silly everyday objects, emotions, and occurrences into deep philosophical reflections.  The more readers I got and the more positive feedback I received, the more pressure I put on myself for perfection.  I wrote post after post… until I couldn’t think of a post that was good enough one week.  And then the next.  And rather than put up an imperfect post, I retreated altogether.  My balloon was a beautiful blog floating up into a WordPress sky, waiting to float into space, pop, and fall to Earth forgotten.

As part of my journey into the foreign land of imperfectionism, I’ve decided to throw that old balloon away and return to the blog.  It may well be flawed (there might even be some grammer errors!), but it will be real.  And if it brings one smile, or sparks a new thought, or, miracle of miracles, changes a life for the better?  Then I will have proven my point about the balloon, and this post won’t have been a total waste of… oh wait.  Not supposed to be hung up on results.  It doesn’t have to be world-changing.  Man, this stuff is hard.

And that’s why it’s worth it.

Is there something in your life that you’re good at or interested in doing, but you’ve been holding back from for fear of failure or judgment (by yourself or others)?  This week, take a look at what “balloon” you’ve inflated that brought on that tension… and start taking steps to deflate it!

 
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Posted by on May 6, 2013 in Life, Motivation, Perfectionism, Perspective, Random Objects, Uncategorized, Worry

 

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wittytruth Redefined…

14 Feb

I started this blog with a grand (though perhaps vague) vision.  My life and experiences so far have given me a unique perspective on the “big topics” at a relatively young age.  I’ve experienced great joy and contentment, worked hard to achieve personal and academic success, and enjoyed the love and support of a wide circle of friends and family.  I have seen the Northern Lights and gotten stuck in a desert, ziplined through a rainforest and walked the Path of the Gods.  But I have also experienced tragic loss, disappointment, and betrayal while making plenty of my own mistakes.  Guilt, fear, and anxiety are no strangers to me.  But neither are peace, hope, and love.

So I decided to blog about the things I see, to share my small wisdom in a way that isn’t preachy, isn’t judgmental, and isn’t all about me.  Life has shown me two main things:

1)      Peace and harmony are within our grasp, and with them we can attain our highest callings and bring forth our greatest dreams in service to humanity.

2)      It is EXTREMELY difficult to keep (1) in mind and act on it on a day-to-day basis.  And let’s face it, continuously failing to do this just plain sucks.

That’s what I want to try to achieve: a bridge between the higher Truth of life that is within our reach, and the struggle we face in meshing this Truth with our daily routines. It’s admittedly a tall order, for a blog or for life. But the thing is, the Truth and the struggle are both critical parts of the journey.

At this writing, it has been a long time since my last post.  Call it lack of inspiration, stress, or apathy over a life that doesn’t seem to be as full as it once was.  Whatever it was, I felt it would be hypocritical to proclaim how to live life when I was having trouble getting up in the morning.  But when I reflected on my blog’s mission statement, it occurred to me that waiting to feel better wasn’t going to inspire me. Waiting till I had everything in my life in perfect order would mean waiting forever. And waiting until this blog “took off” to start writing about the important things in life didn’t make sense either.

So I decided to begin a new phase of wittytruth, and start with the blog post I’d been saving for the day I had your attention: Love.  I’ll continue to keep things as witty as possible, but I want these posts to be about Truth above all.  I want you to read each topic and compare it to your own life, and then I want you to comment and start a conversation.  Why? Because the meaning in life is tied up in the connection we share, the common ground of being human.  My goal, our goal, is to untie that knot and share it with the world in a way that’s funny, grounded, and just plain makes sense.  The Truth is in you.  Make it yours.

 

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Future, Life, Patience, Purpose, Tribulations

 

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Story of my life…

15 Dec

You hear it before you feel it, a brittle rustling of autumn’s last leaves just before the icy wind cuts through your coat. Shivering, you wrap it closer around you, fighting to hold in the warmth as you make your way home through the darkness. It is late; the end of an excruciatingly long day with very little to show for it. All your tired mind wants is to get home and curl up by the fire, but it seems so far. Too far. A siren calls out in the distance, clashing harshly with the soft hum of traffic on the slimy wet pavement, rushing home before the road turns to black ice. Your mood is black as the starless sky, and cold as the pale streetlamps illuminating the mist that seems to block your way.

*RING*

A new sound pierces the cold and fog surrounding you, and you fumble for your phone in your coat pocket, fearing the worst. Whoever would call at this hour could only bear bad news, but you figure it’s best to just get it over with. You answer gruffly, your voice muffled through a scarf.

“Hi. I’m sorry to call so late, I’m sure you’ve had a long day. I…I was just wondering…do you want to grab dinner and maybe go to a movie this weekend?”

The clouds roll back and stars shoot across the sky, golden warmth spreads through you from within, and the garish lamplight now seems as hopeful as a brilliant sunrise after a storm-filled night.

“Yes, absolutely, I’d love that!” you manage to splutter out. You’ve hoped for this for so long, and now the one whom you know is the love of your life is within reach.

“Great!” says the voice on the other end of the line…

Wait a minute, you’re thinking. What blog am I reading?

Feel free to double check the web address and scroll down to check the other posts. Yes, you’re in the right place, at the right time, for an interesting and inspiring emotional moment. And that’s exactly my point! Because the topic of this post is tangled up in the idea of

STORIES

Looking past the obvious generic nature of the above scene, I’m guessing you can relate to the emotions therein. You can see yourself (or remember yourself) in a similar situation, and in your mind’s heart you can feel the bitterness, fatigue, worry, longing, excitement, nervousness, and sheer joy that comes with it.  Maybe you even hear a bit of soundtrack… a low cello line as you cross an abandoned street…mournful violins against the far-off blaring siren…angels singing as you recognize the voice on the phone and your mood begins to soar. It’s like you’re living in a movie. Which is of course ridiculous, right?

Let’s be honest, people don’t write books, plays, and movies out of nowhere, and readers and viewers don’t half-heartedly try to make their lives more like those stories. We create these forms of art to capture the way we feel about our lives and the episodes that make them so vibrant and special, both good and bad. Sure, life seems like a drag compared to epic films at times, but I like to put a song in the back of my head and think of those times as the montage toward the middle of the film. You know the one, where the hero is training for the big fight, or trudging across the wilderness, or waiting patiently (or not) for a lover to come back from some far-off place. You, unfortunately, have to actually experience every second of that, but isn’t that what makes those parts of movies mean something? You know what it’s like to have to do the hard stuff (it’s kind of like working out on a treadmill…), and so you relate to the main character in this and look forward to the action part, where it all starts to mean something.

Story

In the book (or movie) that is your life, you are the main character, the protagonist. The drama, the emotions, the character growth, the illustrations and soundtracks, the points of view and camera angles, all center on you in your mind. Your family and friends are your supporting cast of characters, and those “other” people out there are all extras cast by your life situation to fill in the realism of each scene. No matter how altruistic you are, the story is all about you. This is exciting! If you were to play it all back at the end of your life, you’d most likely see a series of stories underlying the main one, with development, conflict, climax and resolution in many layers and timescales. Every day you get to write a little bit more, except you are also at the mercy of what the other characters and settings throw at you.

It can be fun to think about your life as a book or movie, and sometimes you can learn a lot about yourself by organizing your thoughts about past, present, and future in this way. And that’s great! But it isn’t my point. Look at the above paragraph in which I state that it’s all about YOU, and then think about what that actually means. It means that everyone, everywhere, who has ever lived, has been the main character in his or her own story. That’s mind-boggling, because that’s a TON of material when you multiply the history of the world by that many points of view!

The real kicker, though, is YOUR relationship to those other stories. Maybe you’re a supporting role in your best friend’s life, but what are you to the guy who held the door open for you this morning, or the woman making your latte, or the CEO of Google? Barring any extreme circumstances, you’re likely just an extra, part of the background of a story that you’re a part of but will never know on an emotional level. Those people all have stories too, but they are like the books and DVDs that you glance at on the shelf before moving on.

THE TAKE-AWAY

So what? you ask. It would be impossible for me to get to know every single person out there just for the sake of “knowing their story.” 

It sure would, so why am I even bothering you with this? Because you are a PART OF THEIR STORIES whether you are paying attention to it or not. And as such, even if it’s just a minor part, you have a choice to make on how you play that role. Do you want to be the grumpy one who shoves aside the main character in the mall because you’re in a hurry? The ignorant one who cuts them off in traffic? Those episodes are important to their story, insofar as how they react, and important to yours as to why you did those things. But they don’t leave the reader feeling good about your character. Too much of that, and you could end up like the villain of the story.

Why, if this is your one bit part, would you want to be the bad guy? Instead, you could be the unexpected help, the inspiration or kind word from a stranger that turns the hero’s day around, the smile that sets the tone for their next scene. By bringing a bit of light to another person’s setting, you improve the mood of their story and set them up to do great things in the next chapter. And the great thing is, this is entirely your choice! Anyone watching the other person’s movie will think, wow, what a great moment in the story. And perhaps just as importantly, it’s bound to improve your own plot as well.

Everyone is the star of their life story, but the part you play in the stories of the people around you is just as important to their lives and yours.

So the next time you’re driving in traffic, busy at work, hanging out with friends or family, or meeting someone new, don’t just think about who that person is to you, but who you are to them and the part you play in making their life what it is. Be more than an extra and take the extra step to be a positive influence, and your story will be richer for it.

WHAT’S IT TO YOU?

If you haven’t before, think about your life in terms of a story. Look at it in the context of relationships with others, themes like sports or school, lessons you’ve learned, straight chronological events, or especially dramatic moments. Think about your “cast of characters” and the ways in which they have made your life story come to life. Then think about your role in the lives of others and what you can do as an extra or supporting role to make a positive impact on their stories.

 
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Posted by on December 15, 2011 in Connection, Life, Perspective, Purpose, Relationship

 

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When in doubt…

13 Dec

Doubt

Decisions, decisions. They’re everywhere. They can loom like a dark cloud on the horizon for days, or strike like lightning out of a clear blue sky. Decisions test your memory of the past and how clearly you’ve defined your direction for the future. They can be simple or tough, trivial (Where should I eat dinner? Heads or tails?) or critical (The building is burning down, do I go left or right? Where should I go to college?). Decisions shape your path and determine your destination. And while sometimes you can field them like a ping-pong master, there are other times when you flee from them as you would a pack of velociraptors. But it isn’t the decision you’re fleeing, it’s the raptors. They are trying to stop you from making the right decision; they want to eat you instead. Why? Because the raptors represent

DOUBT

Doubt has terrible connotations, most of which you know and don’t need to be repeated here. At best, doubt is viewed as a weakness. To the judgmental observer, doubting yourself or your situation means you are indecisive, uninformed, underprepared, and your future is likely to suffer as a consequence. To you, in your own mind, doubt is all of these things magnified many times over. It invites its friends guilt, anxiety, and paranoia to come on over and play a heavy metal depressionfest in your soul. You can’t hear yourself think, and at this point you’d really rather not even try—maybe the whole thing will just go away.

There are two general situations in your life in which doubt really has the power to cut your figurative knees out from under you. These are:

1)      DECISION TIME: There is a clear choice to be made. You have options, you have information coming out of your ears, and more than likely the stakes are high. It’s make or break time, but no matter how much info you gather or how many people you talk to, you seem even farther from making a decision than when you started. The moment of truth is TOMORROW? Are you kidding me? How are you going to choose?!

2)      IT’S NOT WORKING: Let’s not get into the sordid details of why it’s not working, or what awful decisions you might have made in the past or what rotten luck you have. The fact is, where you’re at now isn’t right, and the worst thing is you really don’t know why. You try to be reasonable, but doubt drags at you like a lead ball and makes you question why you even bothered trying in the first place. You’ve got to decide what to do now, but if the past is any indication, you’re doomed either way. So, what do you do now?

Doubtless, there are other times when doubt is a real kicker. But in numbers 1 and 2, we often find doubt to be utterly paralyzing and almost impossible to shake. What are you supposed to do with that?

THE TAKE-AWAY

So now that I’ve told you how awful yet inevitable doubt is in your life, I have a surprise twist for you:

Not only is doubt NOT as terrible as people want you to think, it is both BENEFICIAL and NECESSARY to a full experience of life.

Here’s the deal. Everything I scared the crap out of you with above (which you can all relate to, let’s be honest) isn’t really about doubt or decisions at all. It’s caught up in other things like fear, guilt, and anxiety, which are more complicated and (maybe, if you’re lucky) will be explored later. You react to doubt because you see it as a threat, and you see it as such because having to make important decisions undermines your sense of security. But there is a way of looking at doubt that is, if not less scary, at least less emotionally and negatively charged.

Doubt, skepticism, worry, anxiety: they all spin off of having to make a choice. But the same way you break out the legal pad and weigh the pros and cons of what TV to buy for your living room, your mind is simply weighing the pros and cons of any situation in life where you have to make a choice. It’s just that instead of size, screen type, 3D, brand, and picture quality, you’re throwing in things like past experience, emotional baggage, anxiety about the stakes of the future, worry over how your choice is perceived, and embarrassment over doubting yourself in the first place. These are the technical specs of your life that you’re weighing, but the problem is you are a biased judge, and every little detail produces an emotional response.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: STOP! Listen to what you’re actually doing, because I have no doubt you aren’t actually paying attention. You’re taking the elements of an isolated decision, even if it’s a very important and complicated one, and you’re bringing in all of the emotional issues that come with every single aspect of what affects and is affected by said decision. The fact is, those very tough worrisome decisions are just like any other: you have options, you have information, and you have the good sense to pick the best alternative. That’s all you need!

Now there are two easy steps: 1) Take what you’ve got in the time you’ve got and make your best choice, and 2) DON’T WORRY, either during or after the decision making process, about whether you’re right. You’re going to do your best, and then one of three things will happen: 1) You will choose wrongly, it will become apparent why, and you’ll learn from it and move on, 2) Circumstances beyond your control will make your choice better or worse than you expected and there’s nothing you can or could ever do about it, or 3) You’ll be happy with your choice and never even think about it again.

And the fun thing is, do you know what’s going to ensure that you’re going to make your best choice? DOUBT! Doubt focuses you, makes you scrutinize every detail until you’re as comfortable as you’re going to be with the choice you make. How would you have ANY hope of making the right choice if you didn’t have doubt to make you weigh your options? Don’t worry about doubt, WIELD it! It is your internal scale, giving you the chance to make an informed decision and not simply choose blindly. Doubt is your greatest asset in a decision, without a doubt, because it tells you there’s a choice to be made and gives you the best chance to make the right one.

Does that sound scary? Of course not. Why? Because you know you’re going to do your best given the circumstances, and no matter what happens you have the chance to come out on top. Always the way you expect, want, or plan for? Absolutely not. But do you really think that if you keep deciding to make decisions, building up experience from past successes and failures, you are still going to end up a failure?

I tend to doubt it.

WHAT’S IT TO YOU?

Think of a decision you made or are trying to make, particularly a very stressful one. What causes you to doubt your decision? More importantly, why is this so stressful?

Try listing the pros and cons and see what about the ELEMENTS of the decision are creating the anxiety. Then you can put them in their place with the proper perspective. It’s your life and you KNOW this stuff. Use your experience and make the best choice. Chances are, the worst that can happen is that you learn a lesson that will help you choose better in the future!

 
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Posted by on December 13, 2011 in Future, Perspective, Positivity, Tribulations, Worry

 

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So nervous…

15 Nov

In life, there are some things you can control, and these things are wonderful. Things like when you get up in the morning, what you wear to work, what you have for lunch, or who you talk to during the day. They allow you to exert your will on the world, and who doesn’t like to feel in control? But in practice, these are harder to control than they appear to be. This is due in part to pesky things like emotions and habits. But it is more likely a result of that vast menagerie of factors that you CAN’T control: things like ethnicity, disasters, weather, computer bugs, illnesses, sports teams, traffic, and, of course, other people. These can wreak havoc on your ability to direct your life, and, without the proper perspective, can lead to a serious affliction known as

WORRY

If you’re reading this, you’ve been alive long enough to have noticed that things often don’t go your way. They can be circumstances that you’re born with and are therefore stuck with, or events that happen over the course of your life that either piss you off or completely alter your perspective and direction. These things are everywhere, and you’re worried sick about them. Why?

”I’ll tell you why, they’re screwing up my life! Every time I make a plan or try to get ahead something shoots me down! There are things about me that could ruin all of my goals!”

Yes, I probably can’t argue with any of that (not to where I’d convince you, anyway). Death, recessions, bad genes, car crashes, nutty colleagues… all of these suck, clearly. But why are you worried about them? If they happened in the past, you’ve probably moved on to some degree. You’ve fought those battles and hopefully made peace with the outcomes, because if there’s one thing you DEFINITELY can’t change, it’s the past (unless you have a time-turner, in which case, Godspeed). But worry isn’t about the past, it’s about the future.

In fact, this whole post is really about the future. Think about the future, please. In your mind’s eye you might see yourself taking an upcoming trip, getting married, having kids, growing old, winning the lottery, getting a promotion. I have some bad news: none of those things is going to happen. Yes, I said it. And do you know why? Because your mind’s eye is extremely prone to illusions, and all of the things you see happening are laden with little details that your mind is filling in. Those things might happen. In fact, I hope they do! But I can almost guarantee they won’t happen the way you expect them to in your daydreams. Does that make them bad? Absolutely not! I, for one, have been on vacations that were ten times better than they were even in my most optimistic predictions. But the places I went were almost nothing like what I expected.

Now I want you to think about the future again. This time your mind’s eye has a dark circle around it as it looks upon bankruptcy, infertility, deaths, fire, burglary, losing jobs, being betrayed by friends. STOP LOOKING! Are you beginning to see the point? These things are possible, but not only are they highly unlikely, but your mind is filing in all sorts of sordid details that make them a thousand times worse than they would be in real life! Even if the worst case happens, it wouldn’t be as bad as your mind could make it. The mind is a powerful animal. The same way it can create vivid, life-like dreams, it can create one of these dark futures in your mind, and then you become convinced of its reality by living and reliving it in your head. The same way you get excited when you mentally play out a vacation, you produce anxiety by mentally torturing yourself. This is the foundation of worry, and it’s going to drive you crazier than you already are.

Here’s a secret about the future that your mind doesn’t want me to tell you: IT DOESN’T EXIST! Even if everything is written out in some cosmic book, as far as you’re concerned the present moment is all there is. The past is more real than the future because at least it leaves some physical trace of its passing. Yes, there are indicators of things that are going to happen in the future, and yes, some things can be predicted. But even though you can predict the sun will rise, you can’t predict exactly what it will look like. You can get excited about a magnificent golden display, or worry about a dreary overcast sky. But that’s your mind again, and the things you are really worried about aren’t as cut and dry as whether the sun will rise. Instead, you are worried about how it will make you feel, how it will affect you, and more importantly, how it will affect your PLANS. Your mind has decided what the “ideal” future looks like, and now it is doing its best to find all the ways it could fail. Your own expectations are setting the stage for your worst fears.

THE TAKE AWAY

Maybe you think I’m going to launch into a spiel on “don’t worry, be happy,” or “don’t worry about what you can’t control.” I’m not, because you know these things and you still worry, so clearly that’s not the answer. Instead, I only ask that you think back, maybe twenty years ago, maybe yesterday. Think of something you were REALLY worried about, maybe something you had to do or a situation you were in that you couldn’t see ending any way but badly. Got one? Good. Now don’t think about what happened. I don’t care if your worst fears were realized or if your enemies suddenly fell on their own swords and vanished. Instead, think about right here, right now, reading this post, and recognize that no matter what happened, or what happens next,

Look into this face and tell me you're still worried

Look into this face and tell me you’re still worried

Right now, you are okay.

Maybe a loved one is dying, or your job sucks, or you’re having relationship problems, and you are convinced that you’re not okay. I didn’t say EVERYTHING is okay. I said you are. You’re breathing, you have enough money to afford whatever you’re reading this on, and someone somewhere loves you. Don’t believe me? Well, eventually, whether a few hours or many years from now, you’ll look back on this time and think, “Yes, that happened. But I’m okay now.” And that’s the beauty of the future: the sun will rise, this too shall pass. And when you’ve lived your last day and past, present, and future blend into one, I hope you realize the truth that has been lurking there just out of sight all along: That no matter what storms are blowing around or inside you, no matter how little control you feel like you have, you are, and always have been, okay.

WHAT’S IT TO YOU?

Think of a time when you were worried sick about something. Did it end well or poorly, and what effect did worrying have on the outcome (if any)? How does remembering that time affect your perspective on whatever you’re worried about now?

Comments and discussion are always welcome! Life teaches us all lessons. Share what you’ve learned!

 
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Posted by on November 15, 2011 in Future, Perspective, Positivity, Tribulations, Worry

 

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Making it Stick

01 Nov

Everyday objects sometimes have a lot to tell us about life. Some, like three ring binders, have pretty cryptic life lessons, I’ll admit. But others have a story to tell if you’re paying attention. Take books for instance! Yes, pun intended.

Really though, take almost anything and you can find a way it applies to living life. Today, in the absence of any other real inspiration, let’s think about

TAPE

Tape

Yes, like Scotch tape. Why tape, you ask? Because it has two sides to it. Look at the smooth side: it faces the world and lets you know it’s there, but is pretty ineffectual otherwise. That’s the idea, unless you’re dealing with double-sided tape which is just insane. Then there’s the sticky side, the reason the smooth side exists, the one doing all sorts of work. The thing is, the only time you see the sticky side is when it’s being useless. And then you KNOW it’s being useless. Or worse than useless, it’s being downright annoying and sticking to your hand.

How does this relate to life, you ask? Well, my inquisitive reader, I’ve observed that there are two sides to life. The “sticky” side, or action side, is what you’re doing when you’re attending class, doing homework, working at your desk, attending meetings, etc. You’re in the thick of things, and the world isn’t exactly watching you while you go about your day-to-day mundane schedule. Think too long about the proportion of your life spent spinning your wheels like this and you’ll be depressed, but eventually you get to reap the benefits of the smooth side.

The smooth side is the public result of your sticky actions. Just like a piece of tape holding up a poster, the only thing you see is the smooth side and what a fantastic job it’s done to hold up that huge poster, not the molecular bonding actions that the sticky side is using in its epic struggle against gravity. In life, the smooth side is the stuff you enjoy, the client presentation that goes well, the good grades, the awards, the promotions, the published papers, the completed projects on your resume or bio. This is what people remember you for, and what you work for. You turn to face the world, and you show them the poster you’re hanging up.

THE TAKE-AWAY

You’re probably thinking that your life is more interesting than a piece of tape, and for your sake I’m hoping it is. But today I want you to dumb it down and think about the times when you’ve been focused on the sticky side of your life, and what benefits you reaped when you turned to the smooth side. Moreover, notice that without the sticky side THERE WOULD BE NO SMOOTH SIDE. And there would be no way for you to share your accomplishments—your poster—with the world.

People really want to see your poster, but unfortunately they aren’t going to look on the ground for it. You’ve got to put in the work that lets you hold up your accomplishments for the world.

Sometimes you have to use your sticky side just to repair things, or at least patch them up. And sometimes despite your best efforts, your actions aren’t going to stick, or they’re going to stick to someone the wrong way and irritate them. Everyone has a unique sticky side, as different as Scotch tape, packing tape, athletic tape, electrical tape, bandages (just go with it), or duct tape (the Renaissance man of tape). We all have a way to use our actions to make a difference in the world. So go ahead, find your passion, find a way to put it to work for the world, and make it stick.

 
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Posted by on November 1, 2011 in Motivation, Purpose, Random Objects

 

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