what stops you from saying something to me?  i notice myself being noticed all the time. i get odd comments and engagement about how i created a sensation, yet somehow, i am off limits. who is she. look at her dance. is she with anyone. is she coming back.  i’ve had construction crews radio down the line so people came forward as i walked along the route so they could look at me, leaving a murmur of hey and hi and nice days in my wake. there were times things like that bothered me, times, i never noticed it and now i wonder why it happens on the periphery of my life and yet no one, or exceptionally rarely, approaches me.

i do not believe it is because the combination of my looks and attitude are that different from others that it makes me seem unattainable or unapproachable. yet my reality is while i seem to be lusted after and stared at, i am rarely engaged with, even if i take the initiative and address someone who seems to be obviously interested. in many ways it makes me feel like i am a performer, that people feel more comfortable sitting back and watching or listening to, rather than exchanging  any communication with. it can be and is exceptionally lonely. i tend to feel it more because i am alone. if i had a relationship, then while it would still happen, it would lose its focus or ability to hurt me by its inherent neglect and division.