Writingbolt's Creation

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Ask Carolyn (Hax) column originally titled “In-laws won’t stop hugging even when asked to stop”

This one is oddly endearing; I actually find myself attracted to Grumpy, the author of the letter, not Carolyn (never). But, “Grumpy” doesn’t want anyone showing her affection or intimate interest, right now. And, Carolyn needs a little help punctuating her titles, for grammar’s sake.

“Grumpy” is the introverted wife of a man who tries to cushion the blow of discomfort caused by his parents who, above all others the woman knows, make her uncomfortable with their incessant need to hug at every possible instance/impulse, not limiting this sort of affection to greetings and/or goodbyes. And, because Grumpy resists, they throw in the occasional teasing which makes Grumpy feel even worse.

The key notes to remember here are:

1) Grumpy tries to be nice-er and understanding of the desire to hug in others. She’s not entirely opposed, but her comfort level is not rising when others make jokes and leave her feeling like a “weirdo.” [Technically, from a therapist’s perspective, she is to blame for how she allows herself to feel in response; so she might be choosing to feel weird.] She’s doing her best to put up with the differing interests of others yet still struggling and desperate for relief. Translation, she’s swimming outside her comfort zone and starting to sink.

2) Grumpy’s husband has been known to deflect and/or reject jokes made about the wife. He’s not pressuring her to give up her discomfort boundaries, completely. He’s trying to play the middleman, which is why Hax’s advice is all the more confusing and unhelpful…again. [Her track record is really tanking.]

Carolyn puts the blame on the husband for being insensitive and tells the wife to put her armor on before telling the husband to get with the program. She also has a heavy-worded way of confusing the crap out of me; what is she even trying to say in most of the column? Good luck, Grumpy family, on sharing a bedroom and anything intimate a couple should enjoy.

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Grumpy, I adore you (and women like you). You are not so stuck in your mud that you cannot admit to the awkwardness you feel in social situations. You’re touchy and quirky (like me). And, I just get this feeling; if we were stuck in a room together, there would be friction. But, the friction would quickly dissolve into reassuring warmth and sympathy when we share our mutual discomfort and shed the concerns/defenses.

NOTE: I have a “bad habit” of becoming drawn into “none of my business” and expand upon my initial opinions, the more time I am allowed or allow myself to dwell upon the matter at hand, even if I am “dismissed” and no longer in the company of those involved. This response started out “in short” but has grown with my lack of resistance to revisiting it. And, this…tends to happen with most of my responses.

I totally understand your need for personal space. I appreciate your self-awareness, regarding the possibility of handling social situations in a nicer way than you normally, reflexively do. You want to be more socially accepted and tolerant; but you retain a measure of discomfort which leaves you feeling soiled and/or violated. And, it can be difficult bridging the gap without feeling as if you lose or sacrifice a part of your soul. I get that. [And, God bless you calling yourself a weirdo. I know it hurts to say it; but it’s strangely endearing.]

My advice: Keep doing what you do to test the social waters and improve your tolerance, reducing the chance of being seen as weird. You’ll widen your social circle and find more opportunities. But, you do not have to give up your “spidey sense,” completely. If anyone who wishes to be (more) affectionate triggers a red flag, sets off your inner voice of warning, feel free to step back and deny the physical contact. Your intuition is not the enemy. The invader is. And, it’s only right to be cautious.

[I confess I have shaken hands and hugged people I now regret giving that ground. They did not deserve the kindness. I remain a bit uncomfortable with the violation. I participated to get the job, smooth client/customer relations or just keep family from making me feel strange for being different/distant (like you). And, I never truly felt or saw the benefit. I felt like I let myself down and let some thief take something from me.]

The only thing you are lacking is a bit more backbone (as am I). We need to set boundaries but also be polite and vocalize those boundaries without other self-conscious side-effects (like feeling sick to our stomachs for having to repeat ourselves, when we’d rather be wearing a sign that says “DO NOT HUG, RIGHT NOW; ASK FIRST”). Once people are aware of our desires, they have the responsibility of respecting them. At least, ask before going for a hug or handshake. That’s polite (on their part), too; just as they seem to expect everyone to be okay with a hug or kiss on the cheek.

I think much of the social problem comes from lack of communication (which is sort of key to being…well…social); instead, people assume and don’t read the signs well. You assume people won’t hug you when you don’t want a hug, but then you also go without hugs when you need/want them (because people become affraid of upsetting you), thus losing out on some valuable affection. Others assume you are open to hugging (and the rest) and then feel awkward or offended when you resist; they fail to supply the courtesy of a question.

Let me ask you this. If you were in a foreign country, where the custom greeting seems to be a hug or kiss, how would you convey your boundaries when you cannot speak the native language? Would you cede your resistance and comply or cope with the awkwardness when you fail to communicate your preference? [Knowing me, I’d probably fold and go along for the ride, putting up with the questionable discomfort, later.]

I’m not a professional psychologist, but I’d be inclined to consider the possibility you suffer from a form of autism, not significant enough to be clearly defined as such. You collect stress triggers like fly paper, instead of making contact with one and shedding it. The triggers continue to bother you until you are faced with a social/affectionate situation and impact your response. By the time someone is looking for that hug, you look like a cat covered in sticky candy wrappers and chewed gum. If you were not bothered by the “million other things,” you might be more receptive and/or understanding of someone’s desire to touch/embrace you. It may not entirely be the affectionate one’s fault when you bristle. Right?

So…suggestion? The next time you find yourself approached by someone wanting a hug, if you know other “items” are bothering you at that moment, acknowledge the “other” discomfort and either tell the heat-seeking hugger or accept the hug. You now know the person does not deserve the blame for your present discomfort…the “other things” do.

If you choose a more self-defensive route, verbally make your boundaries known; do not bristle and assume the sign is clear. Let word spread. People who don’t know you or don’t get the message will eventually have to learn. Let any concern for people thinking you are weird slip away from you as you exhale and cast off all internal distress. If people seem unable to learn (after having ample chances), walk away without further explanation; you already told them what they need to know. When you feel comfortable sharing a handshake or hug (or kiss), bridge the divide and offer one, yourself. If you know the other person is receptive, they should not complain (like you would). If they are like you (and me), then ask first. Then you are in charge of your body and should not have any further discomfort.

Also, ignore Carolyn (unless you misrepresented your own husband’s behavior). Don’t blame him. It sounds like he’s trying to mend bridges, not burn them. He seems like an okay–not great–guy. And, he’s putting up with the influences of his parents, as many must do.

You married him, not his parents; you are within your right to deny them affection if they don’t respect your preferences. If you refuse the affection of your husband, you two have some balance yet to correct. If his parents (and any other family members he might have) continue to belittle you, ignore and/or avoid them because they refuse to be more understanding of the woman who married their son. But, because this is a “civil union” of two “families,” you, too, must understand some people are just…”handsy,” including those in-laws. You can subject them to any number of penalties to satisfy your needs; but they will remain who they are until they die. And, your husband came from them; he still has to respect his own parents and decide (for himself) how much affection he will permit. If they change to respect your boundaries, it’s a miracle.

Consider this last bit of advice a consolation prize. Should you choose the humbling, submissive route, you could accept the hugs with a contingency plan in place. After putting up with the invasion of your comfort zone, you are permitted to have some alone time away from the husband and his family. But, this requires you being comfortable on your own away from home (and a measure of trust between lovers). At least, it’s a brief vacation, now and then, from what bothers you, allowing you to purge yourself of some discomfort and recover.

And, breathe. If you feel any discomfort after what I’ve said, go take a hot bath or shower and make yourself comfortable in a private, quiet space with something to entertain yourself for a little while. You’re okay.

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If you are reading this, like what I have to say and seek advice to your own nagging question, feel free to submit a letter to my mailbox. [Use the Contact Me page/info link at the top of the page.] And, I will give you a personalized response, like certain advice columnists try to do but without the reflex of handing you over to a professional therapist (which you can handle yourself if you so choose).