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Ask Carolyn (Hax) column originally titled “Wife says it’s not her fault she hurts husband’s feelings.”
There are two letters to this particular column. The first, signed by “A,” involves a marriage in which the husband feels sufficiently emotionally bruised and “shut down” by a seemingly unfeeling, “harsh communicator,” his wife.
Carolyn chooses to “explain” her opinions in a somewhat confusing way. She agrees with the wife while still trying to stand up for the husband without anything to support her claim. Her choice of words, at one or two points, could drastically alter what comes next in the tense relationship. Her final thought is to mention a relief/therapeutic phone service called RAINN, which I do not know (but will potentially investigate).
The second, from It’s Not You, It’s Me, entails a friendship that has soured as one friend changed into a person the other friend used to feel like and grew to dislike. Key note: The friend seeking advice has been through some measure of psychotherapy; so their views and choices might already have been colored/altered by that experience.
Carolyn presumes a bit about the letter’s author; which makes me wonder if she isn’t drifting off into thoughts of her own failing friendships. Yet, I will admit, the final thoughts are rough…bound to stir some conflicts…but fair. Essentially, the friends are advised to talk out their differences and accept the consequences, whether that means salvaging the friendship or permanently breaking the bond.
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A. Ay oh. Oh, A. Is your wife what you’d describe as blunt? Is she a Sagittarius, by any chance? She can’t be a Gemini if she’s lacking a sense of humor or a flair for the dramatic. ‘Just curious. She sounds like a proud Amazon warrior who has little to no tolerance for weakness in battle; someone looking to challenge you in hopes of finding a man worthy of her mighty passion. [And, you seem like the unwilling hunter sent to slay a dragon, cowering in your boots as you limply hold your sword; no offense intended.]
Take Carolyn’s advice without the grain of salt and spare your blood pressure. Stop where she tells you to decide what is next for YOUR marriage. It’s not YOUR marriage to decide. Yes, as your wife so crudely puts it, you decide how to respond to everything she throws at you. You don’t have to express distress or sadness or resentment or any form of hurt feelings, even if that’s the strong impulse you feel. But, not expressing what we feel is a rather cold, calculating move; and what do we know about two wrongs? They don’t make it right. Right?
But, go back to that marriage bit. The marriage is a decision made by two people, her and you. You don’t decide what’s next for YOUR marriage. You decide what’s next for YOUR PART in that marriage; and she will decide what is next for her. Yet, just talking this way sounds like divorce is already on the table. Is it really that bad? Or, is this just surface tension that’s become a bad habit?
Carolyn also cannot validate you. At least, she cannot HAPPILY do it unless she is merely voicing the simplest of support for a remotely appealing underdog. I’ll admit I’ve likely done the same with female writers who light a tiny flame of interest in my heart with their words. Perhaps, you are remotely Carolyn’s type. But, from my perspective, her validation is an empty lawyer commercial; a forced smile and general offer.
Sure, we all need to validate ourselves. But, that validation often sparks conflict we don’t want or need. So, many of us are reluctant to “validate.” We don’t want to make waves; nor do we want to stand up on some soapbox, yelling about how our ideas should matter to someone without more concrete evidence to support our claims. And, when it’s just you versus your wife, and few know the whole story between you two, who can applaud or support your validation? No one.
Your validation falters because you know it could shatter the relationship, something you committed yourself to, something you helped establish. How many business partners would bring down their own HQ building when the partnership sours? How many more would let the building stand and look for some less public legal/financial settlement before slithering away to form other business relationships (and try to forget the past)?
I guess the only true value you can take from this effort to reach for advice is the importance of not letting anyone grind you into dust. You stand up to your wife, your chosen partner, and defend whatever you feel is vital to you as well as the relationship. And, hopefully, the relationship is a loving one. Because, if it’s strictly business, if you feel more like an employee being confronted by a hostile boss, then you are in the wrong marriage. It’s not even a marriage. It’s a harsh “prenup.”
Also, you could grease the wheels a bit by asking your wife how she feels, now and then. Get her to be a little vulnerable (with you). And, ideally, you comfort her in those emotional moments, reassure her with your support so these cold, stone-wall situations don’t even arise. If she refuses to be vulnerable with you–or if you cannot handle the role of emotional supporter–you two have more problems than those conveyed in the letter.
And, if she responds with something like, “This isn’t about my feelings,” consider finding a new wife. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who shuts down all emotional exchanges in favor of winning an argument. That sort of woman is too fierce and bent on claiming victory, determined to turn her partner into a lap dog and yes man.
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It’s Not You? How do I address someone who isn’t the scribe but IS the scribe? I don’t know.
YOU! How about that?
Your time in therapy has altered you in some way. Your perspective has changed enough to let you see a friend as someone you no longer want to be. You’ve been given some sort of supernatural ability to slow time down and spin around your friend like a ghost, allowing you to see a sort of old, familiar toxin spewing from her mouth, like a former smoker watching someone suck on a cigarette and feeling the urge to vomit.
Your reluctance to speak up with this friend (and your need to consult an advice columnist after that extensive therapy you endured) suggests a weak spot in your therapy-honed defenses. You cast off your caterpillar ways to become a butterfly, but you’re still showing a soft, rubbery patch of skin somewhere which would fracture your whole being if you dared to face this situation face-to-face and be verbally honest. Thus, you’re not “cured” enough to ignore the old energy you once felt…still feel. It’s not like you’d ever go back to being…that way. Right? Yet, being around others who are…like that…still/now bothers you. [And, it certainly doesn’t help to encounter anyone who would dare tease you about your reluctance to do/experience/share something you no longer like/approve. Yet, I’ve been there too often; ‘done that. I’ve been pushed, prodded and heckled about things I refuse to relive and/or face again.] Therapy altered you, but it didn’t turn you into a Jedi master or the strongest Vulcan who can avoid all emotional conflicts.
Carolyn is right when she suggests dealing with the unpleasant matters in their moments, versus reducing all of your feelings to one general “I don’t like you, anymore.” That isolated statement is like hanging up the phone or ending email communication without further explanation. It’s like never hearing from someone, again, being left to wonder what went wrong. Except, you sort of said it; you said you don’t like her as she now exists. I suppose even the short, finalizing statement could serve its purpose with less emotional upheaval in person.
Thank you for your candor? It takes a truly solid, mature, enduring person to say something like that. I don’t know many who would confidently say they appreciate my candor. In small doses, some have expressed an appreciation for my honesty, when it serves a need that doesn’t touch an emotional nerve, when the candor doesn’t stir tears or anger. I can be honest about a piece of furniture I don’t like. But, if I am honest about how I view another person’s relationship with another person, I usually cross a line; it’s like pulling a shoelace on someone’s shoe, causing them to stumble. Who wants that?
Carolyn surprises me when she speaks in favor of salvaging the friendship…while you seem intent on ending it. YOU said the friend has become “unbearable.” This letter isn’t about a friend calling you that word. It’s your word about her. SHE is unbearable. [But, it’s sort of true…if you haven’t waited too long to speak up, I suppose, all could be salvaged; the friendship just might, ideally, recover from the emotional upheaval and adapt. I just doubt the possibility, based upon past experience and hearing so many negative cases.]
Sort of going with the flow Carolyn generated with her response to the previous letter, it’s your move to validate your feelings in this situation; let your friend know you are tired of the way she is acting because it’s how you used to feel/behave before facing therapy. And, she needs to validate/respect the process you have gone through, like a friend of a former addict needs to either avoid supplying temptation (by indulging in and/or providing the substance that was the source of the addiction) or end the friendship to continue indulging on their own. If she chooses to and favors being the old you, she may have to do that without you. Are you okay with that? If so, what’s so hard about saying the words?
But, if putting words on the table, in person, is too obvious and harsh for a solution, let’s think about alternatives…..
You could silently stay away from your “former” friend, letting her realize you no longer want to be with her for some reason (without clarifying the reason). Well, on a minor positive note, this would put you on a sort of high ground, letting her come (up) to you and ask what’s keeping you from spending more time with her. You’d still have to engage her with words, eventually, unless you are content to just let the friendship fall into silent bitterness and resentment.
You could put your feelings in a letter and snail- or e-mail that to her. The advantage with that option is you having, hopefully, more time to polish your thoughts and words than you had in writing a mere nine-line letter or “tweet” to Carolyn Hax. Letter-writing can be like turning a close relationship into a long-distance one. Sometimes distance is good; separation can be good. For Catholics, (currently) Lent is a time intended to go without something for forty days, hoping to reunite with that something and feel renewed appreciation/enjoyment after the separation. Sometimes, distance just drains the connection until writing a letter seems like too much work (compared with being able to show up at someone’s door, simply asking for a hug and a teary-eyed chat).
You could invite said friend on one last trial friend-date. And, if on that date said friend decides to be a complete drag and representative of the former you (the you you no longer approve), you can let her know this is the last time you two get to try something fun together…and why. It’s not quite the direct confrontation of the situation…but it eventually gets there, after a bit of emotional therapy and a subtle attempt to reconcile differences. If your friend cannot still prove she is a friend during that fun time together, you have valid proof why you need to end the friendship and not linger after the “breakup” with dismay. The friendship has changed. Be okay with the difference and the opportunity to make new friends who fit the new you. And, be okay with letting the former friend know she is free to spend her time with people who fit the present her, the former you
Give me enough time, and I could probably think of a few more. But, I think the above should suffice.
On the flip side, things you DO NOT want to do with this friend include continuing to spend time with her when she’s behaving in the way(s) that upset(s) you and timidly avoiding all vocalization of your discontent. Letting the problem fester is not the solution; it will only make you feel worse and the task of resolving the matter increasingly difficult…until the task is even more unbearable than your friend.
Dismissed.
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