Posts Tagged ‘boundaries

14
Feb
22

Response to Relentless Sister (Ask Carolyn Hax)

By writingbolt Leave a Comment
Categories: Responses to Ask Carolyn Advice Columns
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

***

Ask Carolyn (Hax) column originally titled “Relentless sister won’t stop constant criticizing.”

–Wait. This sounds like the last column to elicit my response; something about someone not stopping what they are doing? Ah. Yeah. The unwanted hugs laced with taunting; that was…two weeks ago? Now, it’s just plain unwanted advice and criticism from a sibling.

Standstill is the frustrated child-bearing sister of a woman who has no children of her own but plenty of words that only jab daggers of discomfort and frustration into a sibling who doesn’t want to fight or be told how to live her life by someone who lacks experience…and she wants to mend fences so she doesn’t lose a sibling.

But, Carolyn…oh, Carolyn Hax…only offers the immature solution. The only direction she failed to give was for Standstill to stick fingers in her ears and chant “LA-LA-LA!” at her finger-pointing sister. Oh, and wear her hair in those cute little-sister pigtails, so the whole little-rebel image is complete.

—————–

Standstill, Carolyn is right about one thing. You need to bolster your own defenses to avoid SOME of the pain associated with this conflict. You cannot expect your verbalized or assumed “fences” to keep that sister from trashing them. You cannot control your sister’s responses or contributions, but you can filter them by restricting her. Make it understood that if she wants–if SHE wants–to remain a beloved sister, you won’t continue to stay in her presence if she’s going to prod you with unwanted advice and/or criticism. You have the control and right to walk away from a fight. Have control over where you are with your sister and transportation should you feel the need to leave (just like bailing on a bad blind date).

Now, I have a few shades to cast on the matter.

First, as I just said, your sister has to understand how her approach is upsetting you and alter her course of action IF she plans on remaining a beloved sister. You do your part, and she will have to do hers. This mending fences isn’t just about you solving the whole problem. It will take the two of you to work this out. Just as you have control only over what you accept and provide, she controls what she accepts and provides. It’s…as they say…a two-way street…except now when it feels more like a roadblock or protest.

Understand, if the two-way street doesn’t come together, there WILL be distance between you two. Sadly, I fear we all must get comfortable with living…alone. Good relationships with siblings and other family members might just be a perk to life instead of a given.

Second, is there any chance anything your sister is saying DOES make sense but still hurts your pride and/or feelings? Is there any chance you simply refuse to take good advice because you don’t want someone else to “solve” your problems? Sometimes, certain people acknowledge their flaws and faults but don’t take action to correct them, for whatever reason. It’s like a depressed lack of proactive behavior. You know you should clean the room but don’t want to make the effort; that’s depression.

HOLD IT! Sit back down, Carolyn. Just because I suggest Standstill may be depressed doesn’t mean we send her to a psychotherapist. Just…SIT!

Sure, you could take a stand and say your sister has no right to talk because she doesn’t have kids. But, does not having kids mean a person cannot still have good ideas? I don’t think it warrants your sister becoming some legal representative or spokeswoman for parenting. No. She’s no expert and should never claim a medal for her input. But, if you love your sister…and if she’s not…ya know…crazy…she COULD have good ideas; ideas, maybe, you just are not in a mindset to adopt…ya know…like a child. [‘See what I did there?]

Also, understand–if you don’t, already–that sometimes that unwanted advice comes from a person’s unhappiness with their own life. A dad might get drunk and unleash unholy heck upon his child simply because he is dissatisfied with how the appeal of his life has declined. Your sister might very well be unhappy with some aspect of her own life and taking it out on you. [If you have the courage, you might try probing the matter…but I suspect she will retaliate like a wounded lioness.]

Aside from all of that (third), do NOT take the equivalent of the immature approach (as suggested by a certain C.H.) and merely continue deflecting your sister’s voice. That won’t mend any fences. You understand that much. Right? I hope so. All that does is cut off blood flow until you lose contact.

If you are open to suggestions (suggestions I have yet to enact well myself)…

1) Try scheduling a “peace talk” and test your own filtering system. When she comes at you with something you don’t want to hear (again), remain calm and say you don’t want to hear it. [Or, if you feel “gutsy,” try offering her some equivalent of advice…but that isn’t likely to work and will probably make someone feel immature.] During this peace talk, you can discuss a truce and lay out the terms of that truce on paper, if necessary. This is what you both expect, and here is what happens if one or both of you fail to follow the written rules.

2) Take a vacation. Understand you are risking putting greater distance between you and your sister. But, sometimes, distance makes the heart grow fonder (“they” say). Perhaps, time apart will allow your skin to thicken a bit so you’ll be more prepared to interact with that sister. And, maybe, the next time you see her, she will be more understanding of her own unpleasant reflex and not pester you. During this vacation, you must have zero contact with the frustrating sibling (not even email or text messages) to purge the “infection.”

3) Engage your sister in playful combat. When we lack circulation in the body, we sometimes beat ourselves to promote blood flow and warmth. Perhaps, you two are cutting off blood flow, yourselves, and need a little playful combat to stoke better circulation of thought. Try foam-rubber bats, paintball, one-on-one video games or anything else you feel would appeal to you and your sister. If you don’t have much interest in any of those, try something new! Get interested.

4) Suggest a creative bonding activity to heal the relationship. Offer to work with your sister on a gardening or painting project. Maybe a room in your home needs re-painting. Offer your sister the chance to help with that. [And, keep those personal boundaries in check. If she crosses a line, I suggest option 2. Vacation time.]

On a personal note, I am facing a similar situation in my own family. And, it stems from a seemingly chronic problem in my family’s history. One day of dispute causes an eight-year rift and silent treatment; a family member is banned from communication with another for an uncertain length of time until the supposed victim comes out of their rabbit hole to offer a chat. Most personally, I am seeing rising tensions between me and my own siblings. There are cracks showing a lack of attention, poor listening skills and everyone wanting things their own way. It’s not remotely the sort of warm, supportive family behavior I think we both want.

I never was the best of friends with my brother. But, we used to share nerdy interests…before he became Mr. Trending and started chasing every fad someone threw at him. When he stopped being my bigger twin and started looking like a NASCAR contender covered in logos, I lost interest in trying to be like him and started finding my own way.

[I don’t support chasing trends/fads and wearing promotional clothing. It makes me feel like some company’s cattle. I’m no token cow for anyone or any business that I don’t fully understand and support. And, so far, no company has earned that support from me. I also don’t follow my brother’s trend of being pro-whatever is the color of the moment and then turn to trashing it relentlessly when, blindly, I get cut from the staff. I’m at least partially aware of the possibility of losing a job and don’t give one-hundred percent just to take it back and piss one-hundred percent on the ones who “backstabbed” me. If I am pissy, it’s because I knew I couldn’t fully trust someone and am now letting you hear about it…and why I never wear the company banners with pride until they prove me wrong.]

As I started distancing myself from him, he began pestering me for being “weird.” I wasn’t as coordinated as him. I didn’t dress or walk “correctly.” My behavior was just going to alienate me from the rest of society. He knew better. And, for a number of years, I still put up with that just to be with him. But, I’d say about a decade ago, I finally had enough. I stopped accepting invitations and started rejecting offers. I never was in a position to feel good about offering HIM anything, so I didn’t have any ground to hold in that regard. I had nothing to offer and less left to give. Only when he needed help moving from one life mistake to another did I (foolishly?) lend a hand. It was the least I could do as a considerate brother. But, the tension remains. And, it seems to be hurting both of us, deeply. I don’t like how, every time he draws near, I get the impulse to criticize or snap at him. I feel like a wounded/abandoned dog that barks and bites anyone who gets too close…when I’m near him. We are both riddled with anxiety, depression, resentment, etc. Like you, we want to make a mend. He’s a sad puppy dog without his little brother, and I’m a sore rabbit still licking and sorting out my childhood wounds. There is no solution in sight.

My other siblings are not prize examples of good family, either. It seems we all are struggling to find contentment and getting by on rather solitary obsessions which are not exactly healthy. It does not bode well for our future as a family. And, honestly, it’s not entirely our fault…that is…if we can say our parents and relatives have equal blame for acting the way they have, instilling negative behavior in us, their “kids.” It makes you wonder if all there is to life isn’t some ensuing shockwave of circumstance. One bad relationship spawns countless others as the gene pool births generation after generation of failing egos, egos of quitters and immature people who cannot adequately process sound advice as well as unwanted criticism, people who struggle with bullies and smell like fear.

Not all of us seem meant to be tigers or lions. Ya know? Some just happen to be more like…prey. And, there are so many commercial voices thrown at our heads that try to convince us we are leaders of the pack or dominating forces in some pursuit of greatness as a species. But, it’s all commercial hype, and we need to filter that junk out of our heads so we don’t live in disappointment, fear and shame.

So, I have no other solid answer or advice for you. And, honestly, I am not sure you’d be receptive to what I have to offer. If you are, then what I’ve already said should help. The only reason I see you accepting advice from myself or Carolyn is because our voices are not the one giving you the most frustration, right now…even if we might talk like her, at times…just not with her “a-parent” tone. [‘See what I did there?]

I know, myself, I could be more pro-active in initiating activities with my siblings and putting up with their “quirks,” much the way I have begun to expect them to put up with mine (instead of pointing out every little thing they think is wrong in my lifestyle). Remember the Golden Rule. I just don’t have the willpower, right now, to take that action. I might feel it tomorrow, but it could evaporate just as quickly when I take that step and suddenly feel humiliated by something one of them says in public. It’s a sensitive time and space.

You can heave a small sigh of relief, though, for knowing I share your frustration and concern. As people like to tell me…you’re not alone.

And, if you need a group-therapy session (a group of two, I guess), my mailbox is open.

31
Jan
22

My Response to In-Laws Need to Stop Hugging Me (Ask Carolyn Hax)

By writingbolt Leave a Comment
Categories: Responses to Ask Carolyn Advice Columns
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

****

Ask Carolyn (Hax) column originally titled “In-laws won’t stop hugging even when asked to stop”

This one is oddly endearing; I actually find myself attracted to Grumpy, the author of the letter, not Carolyn (never). But, “Grumpy” doesn’t want anyone showing her affection or intimate interest, right now. And, Carolyn needs a little help punctuating her titles, for grammar’s sake.

“Grumpy” is the introverted wife of a man who tries to cushion the blow of discomfort caused by his parents who, above all others the woman knows, make her uncomfortable with their incessant need to hug at every possible instance/impulse, not limiting this sort of affection to greetings and/or goodbyes. And, because Grumpy resists, they throw in the occasional teasing which makes Grumpy feel even worse.

The key notes to remember here are:

1) Grumpy tries to be nice-er and understanding of the desire to hug in others. She’s not entirely opposed, but her comfort level is not rising when others make jokes and leave her feeling like a “weirdo.” [Technically, from a therapist’s perspective, she is to blame for how she allows herself to feel in response; so she might be choosing to feel weird.] She’s doing her best to put up with the differing interests of others yet still struggling and desperate for relief. Translation, she’s swimming outside her comfort zone and starting to sink.

2) Grumpy’s husband has been known to deflect and/or reject jokes made about the wife. He’s not pressuring her to give up her discomfort boundaries, completely. He’s trying to play the middleman, which is why Hax’s advice is all the more confusing and unhelpful…again. [Her track record is really tanking.]

Carolyn puts the blame on the husband for being insensitive and tells the wife to put her armor on before telling the husband to get with the program. She also has a heavy-worded way of confusing the crap out of me; what is she even trying to say in most of the column? Good luck, Grumpy family, on sharing a bedroom and anything intimate a couple should enjoy.

—————

Grumpy, I adore you (and women like you). You are not so stuck in your mud that you cannot admit to the awkwardness you feel in social situations. You’re touchy and quirky (like me). And, I just get this feeling; if we were stuck in a room together, there would be friction. But, the friction would quickly dissolve into reassuring warmth and sympathy when we share our mutual discomfort and shed the concerns/defenses.

NOTE: I have a “bad habit” of becoming drawn into “none of my business” and expand upon my initial opinions, the more time I am allowed or allow myself to dwell upon the matter at hand, even if I am “dismissed” and no longer in the company of those involved. This response started out “in short” but has grown with my lack of resistance to revisiting it. And, this…tends to happen with most of my responses.

I totally understand your need for personal space. I appreciate your self-awareness, regarding the possibility of handling social situations in a nicer way than you normally, reflexively do. You want to be more socially accepted and tolerant; but you retain a measure of discomfort which leaves you feeling soiled and/or violated. And, it can be difficult bridging the gap without feeling as if you lose or sacrifice a part of your soul. I get that. [And, God bless you calling yourself a weirdo. I know it hurts to say it; but it’s strangely endearing.]

My advice: Keep doing what you do to test the social waters and improve your tolerance, reducing the chance of being seen as weird. You’ll widen your social circle and find more opportunities. But, you do not have to give up your “spidey sense,” completely. If anyone who wishes to be (more) affectionate triggers a red flag, sets off your inner voice of warning, feel free to step back and deny the physical contact. Your intuition is not the enemy. The invader is. And, it’s only right to be cautious.

[I confess I have shaken hands and hugged people I now regret giving that ground. They did not deserve the kindness. I remain a bit uncomfortable with the violation. I participated to get the job, smooth client/customer relations or just keep family from making me feel strange for being different/distant (like you). And, I never truly felt or saw the benefit. I felt like I let myself down and let some thief take something from me.]

The only thing you are lacking is a bit more backbone (as am I). We need to set boundaries but also be polite and vocalize those boundaries without other self-conscious side-effects (like feeling sick to our stomachs for having to repeat ourselves, when we’d rather be wearing a sign that says “DO NOT HUG, RIGHT NOW; ASK FIRST”). Once people are aware of our desires, they have the responsibility of respecting them. At least, ask before going for a hug or handshake. That’s polite (on their part), too; just as they seem to expect everyone to be okay with a hug or kiss on the cheek.

I think much of the social problem comes from lack of communication (which is sort of key to being…well…social); instead, people assume and don’t read the signs well. You assume people won’t hug you when you don’t want a hug, but then you also go without hugs when you need/want them (because people become affraid of upsetting you), thus losing out on some valuable affection. Others assume you are open to hugging (and the rest) and then feel awkward or offended when you resist; they fail to supply the courtesy of a question.

Let me ask you this. If you were in a foreign country, where the custom greeting seems to be a hug or kiss, how would you convey your boundaries when you cannot speak the native language? Would you cede your resistance and comply or cope with the awkwardness when you fail to communicate your preference? [Knowing me, I’d probably fold and go along for the ride, putting up with the questionable discomfort, later.]

I’m not a professional psychologist, but I’d be inclined to consider the possibility you suffer from a form of autism, not significant enough to be clearly defined as such. You collect stress triggers like fly paper, instead of making contact with one and shedding it. The triggers continue to bother you until you are faced with a social/affectionate situation and impact your response. By the time someone is looking for that hug, you look like a cat covered in sticky candy wrappers and chewed gum. If you were not bothered by the “million other things,” you might be more receptive and/or understanding of someone’s desire to touch/embrace you. It may not entirely be the affectionate one’s fault when you bristle. Right?

So…suggestion? The next time you find yourself approached by someone wanting a hug, if you know other “items” are bothering you at that moment, acknowledge the “other” discomfort and either tell the heat-seeking hugger or accept the hug. You now know the person does not deserve the blame for your present discomfort…the “other things” do.

If you choose a more self-defensive route, verbally make your boundaries known; do not bristle and assume the sign is clear. Let word spread. People who don’t know you or don’t get the message will eventually have to learn. Let any concern for people thinking you are weird slip away from you as you exhale and cast off all internal distress. If people seem unable to learn (after having ample chances), walk away without further explanation; you already told them what they need to know. When you feel comfortable sharing a handshake or hug (or kiss), bridge the divide and offer one, yourself. If you know the other person is receptive, they should not complain (like you would). If they are like you (and me), then ask first. Then you are in charge of your body and should not have any further discomfort.

Also, ignore Carolyn (unless you misrepresented your own husband’s behavior). Don’t blame him. It sounds like he’s trying to mend bridges, not burn them. He seems like an okay–not great–guy. And, he’s putting up with the influences of his parents, as many must do.

You married him, not his parents; you are within your right to deny them affection if they don’t respect your preferences. If you refuse the affection of your husband, you two have some balance yet to correct. If his parents (and any other family members he might have) continue to belittle you, ignore and/or avoid them because they refuse to be more understanding of the woman who married their son. But, because this is a “civil union” of two “families,” you, too, must understand some people are just…”handsy,” including those in-laws. You can subject them to any number of penalties to satisfy your needs; but they will remain who they are until they die. And, your husband came from them; he still has to respect his own parents and decide (for himself) how much affection he will permit. If they change to respect your boundaries, it’s a miracle.

Consider this last bit of advice a consolation prize. Should you choose the humbling, submissive route, you could accept the hugs with a contingency plan in place. After putting up with the invasion of your comfort zone, you are permitted to have some alone time away from the husband and his family. But, this requires you being comfortable on your own away from home (and a measure of trust between lovers). At least, it’s a brief vacation, now and then, from what bothers you, allowing you to purge yourself of some discomfort and recover.

And, breathe. If you feel any discomfort after what I’ve said, go take a hot bath or shower and make yourself comfortable in a private, quiet space with something to entertain yourself for a little while. You’re okay.

————–

If you are reading this, like what I have to say and seek advice to your own nagging question, feel free to submit a letter to my mailbox. [Use the Contact Me page/info link at the top of the page.] And, I will give you a personalized response, like certain advice columnists try to do but without the reflex of handing you over to a professional therapist (which you can handle yourself if you so choose).

01
Jul
14

We Come in Peace-suit of Taking Your Planet

By writingbolt Leave a Comment
Categories: Concerns and Alerts and Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

We’re pursuing space exploration and migration…er, domination of other worlds (like the very aliens we’re told to fear in movies) yet we don’t have ideal control of/peace on our own present home world. What sense does this make?

When we think of air travel these days, we run into little warnings of immunizations and all sorts of other concerns we should take before venturing even on what is supposed to be a pleasant but temporary holiday/vacation. Why do I get the feeling there are far less concerns about venturing into deep space and recreating the Native American massacre and/or African enslavement just for the satisfaction of some restless humans with a closet case of claustrophobia? I’m not entirely content with what’s going on here on Earth, myself. But, I don’t think it’s at all wise or sensible to just start pouring all this money and resources into chasing a hoop dream on some other planet which is surely occupied by those content to have a planet without invaders.

Most importantly we must NOT repeat our past mistakes (as mentioned above if you missed them). Otherwise, our disgusting aspects won’t just be an Earth problem/bad memory. They’ll be a galactic one. I, for one, have no desire to live out the clone wars, the dawn of the terminator/machine or any number of dystopian/bleak/frightening possibilities our strange minds invent. And, I’d rather interact with other species peacefully. But, presently, humanity is unable to do that as the dominant species of this world.

Let’s clean up our mess and make what we have liveable. When that happens, I’m sure other space travelers who aren’t hampered by past vices will be happy to greet and interact with us. Or, we’ll avoid bringing our diseases–hopefully–to other worlds.

What about you, reader? What’s your take on this?

06
May
14

Drawing the Associate (Social) Circle

By writingbolt Leave a Comment
Categories: Concerns and Alerts, Creations and Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Image

 

 

Sources tell me (and anyone who reads or hears the same) to cut out the negatives in life and surround myself with positives (including supportive people). Fine. Let’s (start) work(ing) on that. So, I should draw a line between those things and people that “offend” me and those which “benefit” me. Who do I avoid? And, who do I associate with? [That’s the associate circle.]

Okay. Well, I don’t mean to question what the “author” views as simple or natural. [Why must I complicate these things?] But, what if that line gets a little fuzzy or out of whack because my judgement is skewed by emotion or mindset/mood? What if I declare someone negative simply because they “want you to eat your vegetables” or “grow up” when that’s possibly–if not precisely–what I need to do? What if I cross out or off something or someone that is a “virtue” and circle something or someone which/who is a “vice”?

At least, I have a conscience about this sort of thing. I don’t mean to judge…but some seem to be far more hasty in their judgements than I who they call a bad judge when I decide I don’t like something. They will “dismiss” someone for missing a phone call, filling out some paperwork wrong, turning down a lunch invitation, etc. One mistake, and they’re done. Or, they keep bouncing back together but never really become content with the relationship/friendship. I have a right to have my opinion and share it. [Don’t I?] I know I could be less blunt at times. But, I like what I like and dislike what I don’t. So does anyone. I also tend to give people more than one chance. But, I can understand how one’s “interactive calculator” can be impacted by a history of emotional scars (even if they seem minor to me). So, I give three chances, and Joe Shmoe gives one. That’s like a blue star or a red star. One’s just bigger and brighter/hotter than the other at this time.

So, here I sit once more debating what is positive/helpful and what is negative in my life. Is my family the nemesis I must defeat/ditch or just a group of difficult people I must work with (like it or not)? Am I mature or juvenile? Am I a man or more of a woman (in terms of yin and yang energies/genetics)? Am I being hasty or not moving fast enough? Am I not lowering my standards enough or too much already? Should I stick to finding what my “fickle” gut wants or settle for what appears less on the surface? Where do I draw that line?

 

Feel free to contribute your input on this. Do not be afraid. [I sure hope I don’t come off as intimidating.]

 

[I’ve probably mentioned this in previous log/blog entries. And, I’m sure to do it, again. I have read a few “self-help” books and continue to toss around their principles/lessons. And, I usually respond to the lessons by saying, “Easier said than done.”]

Unknown's avatar

Archives

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started