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Ask Carolyn (Hax) column originally titled “When all the signs say it’s over, why even snoop for proof?”
There are two letters to this column. The first is given an unfairly hasty response and prods me to add my own thoughts. The second receives an exceptional response; I cannot complain and–shocker–compliment Carolyn’s philosophy (in this instance).
This particular “Anonymous” is one half of a touchy relationship in which an STD and infidelity may be kept a secret (by the other half). The half in doubt wants to check the other half’s phone to confirm their suspicion…at the risk of triggering the other half’s dangerous temper and committing an unforgivable crime of violating privacy. Without this confirmation, the doubting half feels they are risking their life with someone they have yet to fully trust (or who has given sufficient reason to break that trust).
Carolyn cuts the chase to a fairly simple one-sided decision: leave the relationship, now. The doubt and concern for triggering a dangerous temper is enough to bail and put this person behind you.
I have a similar plan in mind but not one so final.
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Anonymous (lover who dreads STDs, tempers and infidelity), if you take Carolyn’s advice, you give in to your suspicion without confirmation and could spoil an otherwise valuable relationship. If you continue to react that way, you’ll likely cut more and more people out of your life based solely on a glimmer of doubt.
Let me ask–though I know I won’t likely see or hear the answer–do you genuinely love this person with a temper? Is that temper equally scary and strangely attractive because it gives that person passion, a drive to stand up and take command when needed? If you can answer yes to the second question, you have sufficient reason to stick with this hot head and work this out.
You know crossing the line will get you into trouble. You surely have also heard the expression about two wrongs not making a right. But, not crossing the line will not get the answer(s) you seek…UNLESS you open a door instead of shutting one. Or, open one while appearing to shut another.
So, here’s my alternative solution to your doubt/safety crisis. Honesty. Be honest with your partner. And, if you feel you’ve already tried that, lay down an ultimatum before you walk away.
Say, “I no longer feel safe in this relationship. And, since I cannot get the answers I need without upsetting you, I guess I have to leave.”
Now, you may sound like you are out the door, but you don’t have to go so quickly. And, you’re not crossing the line to get what you need for reassurance; you’re putting a little piece of cheese out to lure a rat. Wait for the response. If that response is…
A) Silence, be prepared to pack up and move on with life, as painful as that may be. This wasn’t the love you wanted. [And, yet, there is a chance that silence might dissolve into a humbling confession…so leave room for that.]
B) The unpleasant truth you expected, you have confirmation without committing a “crime.” Pack your things and your feelings and go.
C) A willingness–even if it comes with a hostile outburst–to let you look at the phone in question, there’s your chance to do the deed without inappropriate secrecy/violation. You’ve opened a door.
Yes, this is a bit of a touchy situation with no comforting way out of it. But, you don’t have to *assume* the worst, even if you think your gut instinct is alerting you to the truth. In such tense, emotionally-charged matters, it’s easy to let little dark influencers steer you wrong. It’s the same sort of temptation that drives some to infidelity. And, the fear of being open and honest is the stuff that keeps those little monsters active; it’s their food.
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I will just say a little something else about the second letter and response.
Finding Willpower, I am right there, with you, in a way. I may be in different physical (and maybe mental) shape, but I too know what people are saying is right (for all humans…which is a bit inaccurate…because each of us is a bit different) and cannot exactly get my brain to follow all of those recommendations. I know I COULD do a number of things to improve my health. But, I have no idea if those suggestions will work for me…especially, as Carolyn says, if I don’t find pleasure in them. If we are not happy making adjustments, those adjustments are just adding to our discomfort and likely to encourage actions that undo our healthy ambitions.
Carolyn gives a great suggestion about working (out) with friends…yet I wonder if you, like me, don’t lack in that regard. Perhaps a lack of adequate emotional support has led to your present situation. Some people are emotional eaters; others starve themselves or eat all the wrong foods when distressed. That’s as bad as sitting on a couch all day.
Doing what makes us happy certainly has its benefits…as long as we are wise enough to know not everything that makes us content/happy is healthy. Can we still be happy but cut back on (the portions of) sugar, fat, etc., without sacrificing taste?
One little detail that might have slipped Carolyn’s awareness…
You say “drink less.” Does that mean you might be indulging in alcoholic beverages (a tad much)? If so, you’re not hydrating your body; you’re dehydrating it…even though so many cultural people like to think wine and beer are fountains of youth from the gods. We all need to drink (liquids); and you surely hear those who push drinking more water. So, it’s not about drinking less…as much as it is about *what* you drink.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why someone “drinks too much.” Either it’s in your family’s DNA, it’s natural…and probably unhealthy, or it’s due to a lack of something elsewhere in your life, it’s your solution to unhappiness, your “fix.” Just as simple–though no more easy to achieve–is the solution. Find an alternative way to elate and comfort yourself. Find a healthier substitute. You might start by trying to trick your mind into accepting something like fruit juice as good as wine, taking out the alcohol and side effects (unless your particular makeup doesn’t respond well to certain fruit juices).
For many, especially those who are either serious extroverts or prodded to socialize by those extroverts, social drinking is a conditioned response that needs to be curbed/broken. I wish I had a clear-cut path to freedom, but I don’t. And, if I did, it probably wouldn’t sit well with everyone; it might sound like a health nut trying to tell you all fats, sugars and salts are bad. [And, that would be a lie; there are good fats, sugars and salts. Diet foods are a cruel joke; that’s the truth.]
Also, how you eat your food plays a big part. If you eat in a rush or while sitting or standing uncomfortably, you hinder digestion and can cause a number of other ailments. We need to digest in peace and comfort. So, be sure to mind where and how you enjoy your meals and snacks.
You could try giving yourself a carrot on a stick. Promise yourself a treat after getting some exercise. You can have a bowl of ice cream after you go out for a spring/summer hike. You could take a snack with you as a friend on your hike/walk and then find a quiet, relaxing place to enjoy that snack without upsetting your stomach. Now, you’re feeding your mind and body and getting exercise.
There is also the possibility that whatever you think your healthy body should be isn’t what nature intended.
[I still say Jennifer Hudson was just fine when she was “fat” and sounded better when she sang; I think she might have been pressured to look at herself negatively and fracture her self-esteem while obtaining a slimmer figure, which might appear healthier but may yet be unhappy. Why is Oprah Winfrey considered the iconic yo-yo dieter? Because she isn’t happy doing what others tell her is healthy; her attempts to stay trim are backfiring. And, personally, I think her seduction into celebrity status has turned her into a marketing tool, which isn’t allowing her to think clearly. She will sell you a diet plan but not give enough evidence to show she truly believes in it.]
You might be conditioned or pressured to change your ways when your current state is exactly what genetics gave you. And, if you fight that too hard, you could just as easily go over a cliff and die unhappily. So, be sure to check your family history and evaluate what is a comfortable level of adjustment for you. It just might help you take those “baby steps” toward improvement versus leaping into a fat-sucking operation.
[I guess I said more than a little something. Oh well. I still am surprisingly pleased with Carolyn’s response. But, have these ideas/suggestions, as well. And, good luck to a healthy makeover.]
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