***
There’s an old expression that recently came to mind as I realized what a failure at just about everything I have been…though, every now and then, someone praises my supposed talents and tells me I should get a degree in and be/get rich doing what I do.
Surely, someone has asked you, “Are you working hard or hardly working?”
I’m first now starting to think I do both. I feel like I’m working hard…or, at least, struggling to stay afloat. I often put in extra time to get things done. In my retail history, I’ve spent more time negotiating with and ensuring the happiness of customers than my coworkers. In my school days, I spent more time than my classmates on homework…and felt really, really slow.
I’ve been prodded to enter contests. But, I cannot recall when I’ve ever placed 1st in one. I’ve placed 2nd or 3rd in some rather small and easily unnoticed competitions.
[I just placed first in a small Rocket-League tournament…but…1) my team was not the best, when you consider all of the stats of other teams. 2) I was ranked worst in every category…but, at least, I ranked? and 3) looking back, I’ve been bottom of the ranking lists for a long time, lucky if I earned a point for anything when paired with players who seemed less effective yet managed to place higher in the ranks. I often wonder if being a “free player” isn’t causing whoever manages the game to stuff me into the category of “poop,” regardless how well I think I do…and I know my reflexes, eyesight and handling of the controls are not great. But, I sure have seen my share of players who do worse and just make me mad. I cannot be the worst.]
And, when I take a compliment and think I deserve it, someone is sure to come along and knock me right back down with a lousy assessment or competitor. When it comes to being approved to partake in some activity or enroll in a school I like or get a promotion, I end up feeling like a cruel joke. I get snickers and brushed aside. Why? Because I don’t have a PHD? Screw you. I bet if we had to write formal documents, I’d have far fewer typos than you (because, as a chronic perfectionist, I usually check my work more than once)…and yet no one would make me senior editor unless I did the work of ten people.
So, in short, no matter how much time I invest in something, it seems I still come up short, in terms of results and value/rank (in the eyes of whoever is making those decisions). I’m working hard…AND it’s hardly working for me. Good grief.
Cue the piano player to play “Linus and Lucy.” I need to shake my blues off with silly dancing.
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