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So, it’s on…the World Cup (of Soccer/Futbol/Football…the non-American variety). And, I’m not a big fan…but interest has been sparked by some clever advertising and an Olympics-like spirit. I enjoy the cosmopolitan clash of nations. Yet, my desire to watch, at all, remains surprising.
If I had to rank my enjoyment of televised sports, it would probably put American football on top (as best), then baseball, then beach volleyball, then Olympic indoor volleyball…zip down the long list…and, at the bottom, you’ll find international soccer, then golf and, lastly, NASCAR/INDY car racing. That’s right, all of you who’d expect something like curling to appear at the bottom of the list; curling isn’t as bad. [Apologies to the more attractive members of the LPGA and few female racecar drivers; your sports just don’t have audience appeal…they’re designed for gambling and the enjoyment/challenge/risk of the participants. You’re pawns in a much larger game.]
Typically, soccer games are too long, too slow, too dull and, essentially, annoying. You can wait almost two hours before something remotely exciting happens…like scoring a goal, which is why you’re there…not showing how well you can pass the ball around a field the size of a Qatar. [See what I did there?] Commentators are annoying in American football because they seem to be spitting out words just to fill air space, as if they’re afraid of silence. But, if you are not a multi-tasker–and many commentators are not–and engrossed in any sort of physical activity, whether you are using your brain and eyes or your actual body, putting words into a logical shape for all who hear to understand…is not likely. Instead, you spit out junk which is distracting, when viewers could simply be enjoying the action as if they were in the stadium.
Is that some sort of secret penalty/punishment for watching at home? Is that like cable TV bullying broadcast–free–viewers into paying for talk-free sports action? It wouldn’t surprise me one bit…and just adds to my anger.
If it’s not already obvious, here are my solutions to improving the game and audience appreciation of professional soccer:
1) INCREASE THE PRESSURE (DECREASE THE SLACK OF THE CLOCK).
I think there is one key element that impacts a soccer game, one aspect which fuels the best of the game and makes it worth watching…pressure. Professional soccer is a giant water balloon, and we need to reduce the volume.
[American football games can run for roughly three hours, though they are divided into quarters of fifteen minutes. Yet, the pace and pressure feels more intense. Teams progress or fail…and then give up the ball. The ball isn’t bouncing around the field between both teams, like some game of keep-away.
The one downside (of American football) is the risky physical contact. It’s an excessively hostile sport fueled by unrestrained, aggressive messaging. Teams are riled to the point of being gladiators on the field; they don’t control their aggression, resulting in some serious injuries…unlike soccer, in which injuries seem more staged than serious.]
Do you have any idea how annoying, as a viewer, it is to hear someone say a soccer game will go a bit longer as they put more time on the clock? If any game doesn’t need more time, it’s probably Soccer. I’ve seen soccer games end with a draw…sometimes tied at zero. What am I supposed to think or feel, after coming to cheer on my team and going home with nothing but “stubborn defense” to show for it? Imagine a NASCAR race going an extra hour, a few more laps, just to see the same waste of time and risk to competitors linger…BAH! ‘Insane.
The best moments in soccer seem to happen in the final ten minutes, if not less. Players get serious…sometimes too serious, like American football players, submitting to sweat, frustration, anger and panic. A lousy recipe for any sport. But, the pressure stimulates gameplay. With thirty minutes or more to kill (per game segment), players think they’re running a marathon; they think about enduring the length, not making quick, decisive moves to decide the game. And, who really watches every minute of a marathon?
[In the recent game between Wales and the USA, the impatient coffee-not-tea-time-driven USA couldn’t endure the length of the game (and probably failed at making adequate substitutions). My suggestion for the USA team, in the next game(s), is to draw out the first half with deflection/defense and focus on scoring in the second half…conserve your energy and avoid penalties. In a sport which sparks a penalty every time two feet or calves cross paths, I’d say it’s wise to avoid contact and fire the ball before another player reaches your leg. In my brief “career” as a soccer player, in my youth, I don’t think I got anything when a taller player (and a girl) drove the metal pins of her shoe into my foot…except the freedom to leave the game and never return.]
If you want Soccer to look more productive and electrify the crowd, cut the time on the clock. Or…
2) REDUCE THE FIELD SIZE AND PLAYER TALLY.
[This is inspired by my experience with a little faux-soccer video game called Rocket League. The field isn’t nearly as big, and there are far fewer players on the field. There is also the obnoxious struggle to steer, pass and fire a soccer ball with a car/truck that is not able to benefit from your own natural sense of direction nor be kept in your grasp/control as you would achieve with a real soccer ball on real turf.]
Soccer games water down the action by having such a big field and the equivalent of a Black-Friday shopping mob scattered across it.
Why do I want to watch a department store spectacle unfold from an overhead view and instant replays? I don’t.
If professional soccer games had fewer players on the field at one time (and, if necessary to keep the whole mob employed, more player rotations) and a shorter distance to cover between goals, the game would certainly be more swift and exciting. Defense would be more crucial, not vague and feel like a delay. Fewer players turns the typical, yawn-worthy juggling of the ball into enough of a bore to motivate players to get serious sooner than later. It’s also easier to align a few minds than a mob, unless that mob is being mindless and charging into battle like a human battering ram.
[In Rocket League, teams of four are the maximum and considered “chaos” because it’s a challenge, it seems, for four minds to work together without stepping on toes and bumping heads. Perhaps the field is too small? Or, perhaps, teamwork and team arrangements need improvement. That’s a human problem (and a technological problem), not one for the sport.
On that note…this is an opportunity for a new league of the sport. I’d like to see a live-action, Rocket-League-like, human-driven soccer sport. ‘Fewer players…smaller field…shorter playtime…more decisive action. And, possibly, having players play more than one position if needed/rotated. Maybe a goalie gets a chance to step away from the goal to play striker, for a change. Imagine the glory of being not just a good goalie but a good scorer, too.]
[In American (NFL) football games, action takes place between closely meshed teams, not players scattered across the 300-yard field, waiting for the ball to come into their permitted range, as if they were glued to a foosball stick. If an adept NFL player gets past the cluster, they get a chance to run for the goal, which gets the crowd going. And, you need every player on one side to cover every player on the other side. In soccer, you have so much room to move and far less concern about what every player can/will do every minute. There are no interceptions or blitzes in soccer. It’s all breezy pinball until someone attempts to score.
Other sports, like basketball, work like soccer but take place on a smaller field with fewer players, often keeping the audience gripped by the tension/pace. In basketball games, point tallies can change quickly and go far beyond 1-0.
If your sport is so slow and dull that a viewer can walk away for a half-hour, get something to eat, mingle with other people and then, eventually, return to see what’s happening (or what recently happened), it’s too slack. In just about any other sport (other than the bottom three on my list of sports worth watching), if you step away to get something to eat, you miss something. Is soccer meant to be something you simply bet on like a lottery ticket? Or, is it a sport to keep fans gripped by the tops of their socks (if you wear socks)?
Also, players will get more recognition for how they play, not just scoring or defending, if there are fewer on the field and less back-and-forth passing. It’s kind of hard to support a player who just…passes…all afternoon…into evening, maybe. [Like other sports, it’s easy for the ones doing the actual scoring or blocking to get a spotlight. For the rest, it’s a huge waste of time and energy…and you feel like a nobody, standing next to the “celebrity.”]
I…think I’ll just go grab lunch with some friends and check back on you, later, game. Let me know who won.
3) PENALIZE PLAYERS FOR FAKING INJURIES.
You know who you are, you fakers who fall on the field and cry foul just to get a free kick or swap places with another player…which should be a player substitution, not a foul. Probably my biggest peeve with soccer comes from seeing players cry foul, look injured and then get back in the game a few minutes later. It makes soccer players look like such…(expletive).
I’m going to sound a bit racist, but there seems to be a trend with those who cry foul. The teams with a majority of dark-skinned players will cry foul more often than teams with a majority of pale, pasty blokes. And, dark-haired man-boys will cry foul more often than blond guys. Blond, pasty guys, like me, tend to put up with more crap and just keep going. It takes a lot for us to cry foul; and, from my own experience, crying foul doesn’t always get the results I desire. But, I will certainly kick up a fuss if you intentionally get in my face or step on me. I rarely watch soccer, but, when I do, I expect teams like Mexico, Spain, the Middle East and just about anyone from Africa to throw themselves to the field and play wounded possum. If a pasty white guy falls on the field, I want to, at least, review the play that led to the fall.
[I recently saw one play in which a guy got hit in the face by a poorly aimed ball. That was a legitimate injury; and–man–I’d be crying more than foul if I got hit like that.]
If you want off the field (or your coach wants you off), call a time-out and make the substitution. Don’t tell the audience someone is hurt when they’re just stunned or not hurt, at all. In soccer, it’s a mean tease, more often than not. And, that’s really agitating.
[In American football, when there’s a foul which hurts someone…they are really hurt. And, you worry about that player’s health.]
You wouldn’t need to be bothered by as many substitutions (and cry babies rolling on the field just to get off it) if players were not exhausting themselves, covering such a distance, if…well, go back down the short list. Clock. Field size. Player count.
4) GIVE PLAYERS BETTER PROTECTION.
If any of these injuries are legitimate…and if counts of injuries are going to be on the rise…maybe it’s long overdue for the game to consider more protection worn by players? I wouldn’t think of soccer as a contact sport, not like American football. But, if it is, why are the people involved with the sport so stupid that they don’t push for more player protection? Do you like grabbing your calves and rolling on the ground as you cry like a baby? I don’t. And, when a tall girl stabbed my toes with her shoe, I didn’t hit the ground and cry; I limped off the field and told the coach I was quitting. [Heh.]
I suggest some sort of headgear, like sparring boxers wear. Those padded frames that let your hair stick up and expose most (not all) of the face would probably be helpful (and make “headers” easier on the head). And, shin guards (like those I used to wear in elementary school). Is it infantile, childish to protect your calves? Especially when players are consistently tripping and sweeping into each other.
5) DON’T END ON A TIE OR REFEREE DECISION TO END THE GAME.
What did I just hear? The referee will/can decide if the game ends in a tie or runs longer? So, I can blame the referee for the tie/draw? What kind of a finish is that? That’s so dumb and annoying. That decides nothing. You might as well play a five-minute game like a warm-up exercise and say, “Good game, everybody.” It would go quicker and loosen everyone up before doing something more productive.
The World Cup is a short-term tournament. It’s not a season. The only way a tie serves any purpose is if you decide the victor based upon the total number of points or fewest penalties scored. If a regular season game ends in a tie…what do you do or say? How do you declare a team the best of the season? If tournament games end in a tie, there is no victor; there is no decision (unless someone makes one).
[And, who is going to make that fair decision? Sometimes, in American football games, referees seem to favor one team over another and/or call too many or too few penalties. In the soccer game (that just took place) between Wales and the USA, Wales seemed favored for being able to point fingers at the USA (and the Welsh “star” got the team’s solo point…from a penalty/free kick…yay). I’d say the USA got “fugged” by foul cries, by faulty ref calls and delays. If the game was shorter and more focused, with fewer drags and penalties/substitutions (and unfair denials of those), the teams would have to either bring it or lose it.]
…….That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. ‘Simple enough for you soccer pansies in overly tight socks, short shorts and man-buns. Right? Increase the pressure. Reduce the volume. Instantly better game. It’s like reducing the water in coffee and mass-produced fruit juices to improve flavor or potency. If you’re going to spend as much as you do on a sport, don’t water it down to milk spectators.
Oh. One other thing, regarding the World Cup.
I’m not a regular viewer; this is my first year for attempting to watch. But, is the logo the same every year? That upside-down figure eight is interesting…but also very nauseating and hypnotic when the TV crews spin it every time they cut to a different camera or in and out of replays. Horrible choice for a cutaway. Can we fix that? Or…just don’t spin the damn thing every thirty seconds.
The worst might be seeing that thing spin a few times…then cut to a shot of a player spitting on the field. Thanks. There goes my lunch…and my breakfast…and last night’s dinner.
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