Writingbolt's Creation

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I have these…er…theories or feelings, regarding drivers and the cars they use. It’s a whole color thing. And, I have serious agitation from people who drive white and red cars; the former don’t know how to drive and get into the most accidents while the latter are just hasty and dangerous to pedestrians and other drivers, including those white cars.

I have similar feelings, regarding players of Rocket League and the cars they choose. Here are my assessments of the choices players make.

If you drive a(n):

OCTANE (STARTER RC CAR) OR ITS “ZSR” COUSIN

You’re aiming for one thing; you want to be the next YouTube sensation and star acrobat. Or, if you’re not seeking fame of your own, you’re a superfan, sporting a crappy jersey. If you’re the latter, stay out of the game and just watch videos. If you’re the former, you really grind my gears. My goal is to prove you’re not the only star on the field.

BREAKOUT (STARTER HOTWHEEL?) OR ITS “TYPE-S” COUSIN

You are beginner trash. You were given three choices to start, and you picked the one that is the most lame, even if it gets its share of decent decals, now and then. While others are reaching for stardom or that special prize, you’ll be bouncing around a virtual soccer field for a few weeks before you give up on this game…or get smarter. If I see one of you on my team, I can expect failure, because you will likely bail or stall and leave me facing three feral opponents, alone. If I see one of you on the opposing team, I’ll just grin and skirt around you.

If you actually like/prefer the Type-S model, which must be encountered in a random “drop” situation, you’re really special. It looks like a bulimic tragedy. It makes the original Breakout look good, like the less attractive girl standing next to the most attractive girl in a high-school corridor. I’ve been “blessed” twice by this wreck. And, I’d throw it out, again, if I didn’t get a decent decal for it…which is really sad. It’s sad that I am resisting parting with a crappy car because of one decent decal. I have better cars to pursue and drive.

MERC (STARTER VAN)

You have the potential to be something special in this game. You are not a trend chaser. You are on the way to finding your own, unique path to greatness…if you keep practicing and find a more agile car to master.

BACKFIRE (ROADSTER)

You are definitely “old-school.” You or someone close to you is a motorcyle and/or muscle-car person, someone who likes exposed engines and working with greasy rags. You’re not a big fan of the pretty sports cars, and there are quite a few you could find in this game. But, no, you’d rather associate with the Harley-Davidson crowd.

ROAD HOG (COMPACT MONSTER TRUCK)

You’ve got character and a desire to be goalie…or, at least, a good defender, versus a goal chaser. You’re slightly more active than those who drive Mercs. And, like those Backfire drivers, you like a little muscle to show…and maybe listen to AC/DC.

MARAUDER (SPORTY ATV/OFF-ROAD HUMVEE-ESQUE VEHICLE)

You’re likely from Australia, New Zealand or Africa…or a fan of those places. And, you could be a Road-Hog driver…but you’d rather hang outdoors, close to nature. So, you’ll likely design your Marauder to look earthy, natural, and have it humming with an electric engine you believe won’t harm the Outback. G’Day, mate. I named my Marauder Safari Joe, after the Thundercats villain.

DOMINUS (FURIOUS LONGBODIUS) OR ITS “GT” COUSIN (HOODIUS MAXIMUS)

You have a need for speed and the muscle to back that speed up when those annoying Octanes get in your way of scoring big. You are not a child…unless you dress your Dominus like a clown car or toy. You’re still relatively new to this game…why? Because, if you were more “veteran,” you’d likely have another car model you enjoy more than this long, heavy boat, which is fairly difficult to steer when you need to make sharp turns and which is fairly flat when you want to deflect overhead shots from those pesky Octanes.

As an added perk (which I discovered AFTER I stopped driving the Dominus), you have access to almost as many decal options as the Octane. Why? Heck if I know. But, it’s as if the game wants to add one more irritation to my list by saying I gave up on something good. The Dominus wasn’t one of the “pro favorites” when I started; that’s why the game offered three other starters. But, no, suddenly, it’s tied for greatness with the Octane. You should have made the Dominus a starter, instead of the Breakout.

[Guess what. The Dominus is my ex. And, I broke up with her, but we’re still friends. I still think the Dominus version of the special-event decals (clearly made to favor the Octane) look lousy, especially the NFL ones. I’ve moved on…to the Diestro, which is a bit “retro” and a modest yet sleek sportscar with longer, fuller wavy hair that satisfies my “old flame.”]

MAMBA OR KOMODO

A rare sight which suggests you are a rare driver who likes to look like a shoe horn. You have a soft spot for the old Batmobiles that are more hood than seating space. You could be driving a more compact Jager 619 or Masamune, but you like the idea of just how long and sleek you are, without any of the weird attachments where doors should be…cuz, ya know, you might want to get out of the car, once in a while, without crawling out a window (if it opens). You like the Dominus but not as much, because it also looks a bit clunky. The Mondo makes you want to spread yourself across its exceptionally long hood and purr like a cat. Am I right? You won’t likely be performing any stellar stunts but might still be a decent blocker and get to the ball years before other players with shorter cars. Kudos on the slick pick, Roxanne.

INSIDIO OR NIMBUS (OR TYGRIS…OR PEREGRINE TT, IF YOU’VE EVER FOUND OR BUILT ONE FROM A BLUEPRINT…DOES ANYONE HAVE THESE CARS? CUZ I’VE GOT A DECAL FOR THE PEREGRINE TT, FOR SOME REASON. I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT SEASON FEATURED IT. SEASON 1? 2?)

I don’t often see these and am not sure how they vary. But, I’d say you are similar to the Cyclone and/or Centio crowds.

AFTERSHOCK (THE ODDITY THAT LOOKS LIKE AN F-16 TOMCAT FIGHTER JET)

You have a need for speed that matches those Top-Gun-named AI characters in the game. Give yourself a slick call sign and find a pair of sunglasses (or a pilot’s hat). ‘Cuz you’ll be taking to the air as you try to dazzle the other players with your acrobatics…except, you won’t be flying quite as high or well as those Octane showboats…because your car is heavier and bulkier. And, scoring will be slightly more challenging with that pointed nose of yours.

TAKUMI, MASAMUNE OR JAGER-619 (FAIRLY COMPACT PORSCHE-LIKE SPORTSCARS WITH FINS)

You’re cute…at least, if you’re a girl/woman in the driver seat. Your car is prime for being a pop star. Now, get yourself some Equalizer wheels and a decal that’s either anime-esque or animated and flashy. Enjoy playing casually because you won’t likely excel without exceptional skill and/or practice. You will, however, do well in Rumble Mode, as a smaller target. I’d pick you over the Fennec, any day. And, if you have the Jager-619, you’ve got exceptional good taste.

SCARAB OR ESPER

You are very odd. You’d rather look like a roller skate than make sense in this game. Like me, you might aim to prove Octanes are not the only cars having fun. Or, if that doesn’t even register in your unusual brain, you’re busy thinking about what will steal your attention, making you useless on the field. If you could focus on the game, you might make a decent goalie and block a few tricky shots with your unique shape and height. And, you might like to collect the music of Julie Buchanan, which has a slick roller-skating-style cover (for the Watch Me Go album).

You have a few decals which are examples of wasted art. The Derby Girl, Tiger and Hearts could have been given a better treatment on more visually pleasing cars (not including the Octane).

[I consider the Scarab and Esper those fun cars you use for special events/seasons when you need a break from your “standard” and don’t mind losing.]

GIZMO (AND ANY OTHER BOXY COMPACT WITHOUT A HOOD WHICH RESEMBLES A MINI-CAR)

You like rodents? You’re a fan of Tom and Jerry? Because you look like the head of one. Now, go chase that cheese and be as silly as possible. You won’t likely make a good teammate who scores…but you might still score points with me for humor, if you can make me laugh and forget about losing to some Octane freaks. You are like those Pokemon fans who pick Chansey over any of the other 800+ options out there for a strong partner who can survive a fight. You look like you could use a stuffed animal and a hug.

CENTIO, SAMURAI, PALADIN, HOTSHOT (AND ANY OTHER SIMILAR BROAD SPORTSCAR WITH A SEMI-BOXY, SEMI-ROUNDED DESIGN)

You’re a genuine low rider, a tactical driver that just might have a fear of heights (or losing control of yourself). You prefer to slip under the radar and stay close to the ground. You might make a good speed bump. If you’re really lucky, you’ll deflect some shots and force your opponents to score traitor goals. But, that would require the opponent to be blind and, maybe, for you to jump up a bit. ‘Hope you like overly complex/technical and/or earthy patterns, because those are the sorts of decals you’ll likely see until you get one of the more universal ones, which work on any car and are occasionally quite nice. I suspect you’d do well at ice hockey.

If your choice is the Hotshot, what you really want to drive is a tank. And, you probably feel like ruining someone’s day (because that car-tank is built to demolish…and never leave the ground). You’re reckless and dangerous on my team…unless you’re taking out the obnoxious acrobats for me. Sure, you might still be able to jump and flip, but you’re likely to trip over your own feet…er, wheels. You’ve chosen one of the game’s attempts to recreat the Batmobile, and the Batmobile doesn’t exactly fly well. Consider yourself a bounty hunter…and a bully.

“THE X- THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED” AND ITS “MK2” (Mortal Kombat 2?) COUSIN

Well, you definitely like sci-fi and probably enjoy all the evil items available to you, like the menacing and/or scary goal explosions. You don’t mind being a jerk…a bully…and pairing up with other vindictive, careless punks like yourself. If you’re not that jerk, you don’t see colors or shades of good and evil; everything is just a costume, neither right nor wrong. You’d be just as comfortable wearing feathery wings and a halo as you would wearing horns and hooves.

VULCAN

You’re not a Nintendo Switch player, unless you just wish Samus’ Gunship could be customized. Or, maybe, you wish this game had those futuristic cars from the old F-Zero racing games. Similar to fans of the “X- That Shall Not Be Named,” you like sci-fi and especially spaceships. You don’t care about being the best player; you’re set on just having fun. Still, because your car choice isn’t that much different from the Octane, you could do as well, I think. But, the Vulcan does seem a bit heavier and bulkier…like an Octane XL. It sort of looks like a lawn mower. Do you enjoy cutting grass? You might try getting the grass boost in some fun color, if not basic green.

TRITON

[If you have not seen this thing, it looks like a futuristic train crossed with a Batmobile. It’s…weird…and long and covered in armor.]

If the Triton is your choice for wheels, you…you’re smoking some very special weed. I mean, sure, this is a unique…possibly fun vehicle to drive, once in a while. I am sure I’ll come up with a decent costume for it, one of these days. I won one decal for it, some weeks or months ago, and hastily traded it in because…well…even the decal was odd and lame. But, if this is your cup of tea, you’re definitely special. And, as with some other models, you’re either not keen on winning or you like a challenge. Winning with this car is like running with heavy shackles on your ankles.

FENNEC (AND THE SEASON 10 SPECIAL CAR, WHICH LOOKS LIKE A ‘GREMLIN’)
OR
ENDO (AND ANY OTHER CYCLONE-WANNABE THAT HAS THE ANTENNA PLACED OFF TO ONE SIDE, INSTEAD OF CENTERED)
OR
DINGO (THE SMALLEST ‘SEDAN’ YOU MIGHT FIND)
OR
SEASON 10’s SUPERBAD CAR, THE VOLKSWAGON GOLF UTI

You’re special because you want to avoid making contact with the ball (and puck). Why? Because your car has no protruding edges (or is just very compact) and looks like a fetal lifeform. Because you’ll be lucky to make a goal without exceptional skill/training. Heck, you’ll be lucky to be good at assisting those wannabe star Octane drivers. You’d be luckier if you picked the Octane, one of the starter cars…which is very sad and agitating to say.

CYCLONE (AND ANY OTHER SIMILAR ROUNDED SPORTSCAR SHAPE WITH SOME EDGE)

You’re slick and a bit of a sci-fi fan. And, you value symmetry, because your antennae are centered on the back end. You must have incredible patience to wait for a decent universal decal, because the selection you start with is rather meager, selective and unlike the sets of decals most cars have.

VENOM

You either love Spider-Man villains and pretend this is Eddie Brock’s car…or you like venomous snakes and dune buggies. Yes. You must like dune buggies. The Venom looks like one of those cage-frame cars people race around desert settings…except it’s almost fully covered. It looks like the Mantis but with more height and less width. Like the Esper, Scarab, Aftershock and Mantis, it favors wheels (enlarges and fully exposes them); so enjoy showing those off when you get some. Don’t insult the car with drab, basic wheels. You might notice a similarity to the Octane and tell yourself that you don’t want to be just another one of those people; you prefer to take the road less traveled and make a difference.

SENTINEL, MANTIS (AND ANY OTHER EXOTIC CARS OF THAT PARTICULAR UNCONVENTIONAL LONG AND/OR WIDE STYLE/SHAPE)

You seek to stand out, even if it makes you less popular. You’re a rebel with your own cause. You’re sticking it to the man, and I support you…a little. You also like big wheels; so have fun collecting the most dazzling sets and forget about those animated decals which won’t look as good on you. Perhaps you have big feet, as well? [I just say that because the Sentinel looks like the foot of a basketball player.]

PROTEUS (THE SUBMARINE-ON-WHEELS WITH GRABBING ARMS…AND WHATEVER THAT OTHER VEHICLE IS CALLED THAT LOOKS LIKE AN UNMANNED TRACTOR WITH A HOOD LIKE ONE OF THE ACID-DROOLING ALIENS FROM THOSE JAMES CAMERON MOVIES)

You have a respectable sense of humor, and I’d be interested in meeting you. You probably like exploring, traveling abroad and/or being in water. You could be someone who previously favored the Merc (for your starter) but needed something more colorful and/or quirky to enjoy. You might like clowns and looking like one. This is certainly a fun alternative option to drive, and there have been a number of wet accents to add to the vehicle. If you could pull off aerial stunts like those Octane monsters, I’d likely salute you…if you’re on my team…because you’d prove even a clunky, boxy submarine can be a star. You don’t likely care much about decals…because the selection for this vehicle is slim, and the universal ones don’t look much better on something so cluttered with technical bits. [Waveform looks okay, I guess. But, waves make less sense on the Orange car version.] It’s designed to enjoy as-is and screams for the Bubbles and/or Torrent boost.

RIPPER OR THE (FORTNITE) BATTLE BUS

[Oh my gosh; I almost forgot about you…because I haven’t driven you since Season 3.]

Clearly, you’re a fan of violence and/or violent video games. You’re looking to punish someone or take out frustration the way I would with old games like Double Dragon.

If the Ripper is your horse, you like Mad Max movies (or would if you saw them). This is the “free” Batmobile, the movie car you never knew you wanted…and then think twice about when you realize how decals don’t look so good…because this car is a bunch of junk pieced together. It’s post-apocalyptic and heavy.

If the Battle Bus is your muse, you could be a Merc fan who just desperately wants to be more unique…even if this is the poster-child of Fortnite fans, which outnumber the fans of this game, I suspect. You’d probably love a Rocket League Kart game, like Mario Kart, in which you’d race the Rocket League gallery of cars on various tracks and knock out other drivers with wacky weapons before crossing the finish line.

But, if you stick with this car (or bus), you don’t care about how you look…or drive. You just need to hit the road and drive until you cannot see straight, anymore. You can feel free to get piss drunk and be stupid in this car. No one expects you to perform well in any way. This is a slightly nicer way to be a monster without being the “X- That Shall Not Be Named.”

ANIMUS GP AND ANY OTHER INDY/FORMULA RACE CAR

You actually belong in the same group as those who drive the Centio, but you’ve got a particularly special interest in professional car racing. While these cars look like real-world models, they lack some of the stream-lined appeal, adding parts to the frame that make the cars look weak/fragile. I have an Animus GP but am NOT a big fan of professional car racing. Instead, I just like the idea of pretending I’m an Indy-car racer or a Transformer from the 1980s, named Mirage. Are you the same? Do you like cats? Because the Animus GP comes with two decals that seem to favor big and small (domestic) cats. I wonder why. Your chances of being a stellar soccer player are challenged by being low to the ground. Yet, you’d likely do well in ice hockey…which is just strange, an Indy racing car chasing a puck around a field of ice. If more players would be like you (and I), there would be a chance of having a comical Indy-racing competition…instead of a fleet of juvenile R/C cars banging into each other.

DIESTRO

Welcome to the team. My team, anyway, if you can drive this car well enough. Treat her right, and she will reward you with her compromise of height, weight and width, somewhat shorter in height than the Octane, somewhat shorter in length than the Dominus and somewhat wider than the Breakout with a respectable amount of style. Come with me, and we’ll take this game to its limits. Just keep your head, or we’ll be finished. Homer Simpson knows what I mean; he drives a LA-Z Rider.

[Although, ever since I started favoring the Diestro, it seems like the game no longer likes me. ‘Not that it particularly liked me when I started…but, back at the beginning, when I still was learning how to flip and before I could dare to fly, I scored a few decent items. A year ago, I got a goal explosion I desperately needed to feel better than dirt. But, since then, it’s been rough, tough, tough love…and hate…lots of hate. I’ve only seen one new decal for the Diestro, while the starter cars and Dominus get plenty; even the Backfire, which I’ve driven maybe once?…has seen more free-player-reward action than the Diestro.]

ANY OF THOSE MOVIE-BASED VEHICLES YOU ARE PERIODICALLY PRESSED TO BUY (THE KITT <KNIGHT RIDER>, BATMOBILE, DELORIAN <BACK TO THE FUTURE>, ECTO-1 <GHOSTBUSTERS>, ETC.)

You don’t care about variety as much as you care about having something someone else already made their famous beeyatch. You remember the movie or TV show and want to believe you’re the driver of that vehicle. Well, Marty McWayne, get flying. If you’re a Delorian, you might just outshine some of those Octane menaces. I’ve seen a few pull off some crazy flying stunts. If you’re a Batmobile, Kitt or Ecto-1, you’re comic relief, at best. Have a good laugh at yourself and then apologize to your teammates before they get you banned from future games.

[However, I am tempted to get the Kitt and the special controller topper which allows you to steer your controller to drive the car, versus using joysticks/buttons to steer; that does sound refreshing. There should be that control option for all car models, to switch from manual to automated/motion-sensitive steering.]

ANY OF THOSE SPECIAL NAME-BRAND CARS YOU HAVE TO PAY 10-20 BUCKS TO USE (NOT INCLUDING THE CARS FROM MOVIES)

You definitely have rich taste and can afford to play better games. But, you prefer to turn that very elegant sports car into a pile of burning feces. You’re getting smoked by the salivating, acne-crusted and potentially overweight Octane freaks, but you don’t care…because you’re worth millions…even if some of those Octane drivers are making millions, somehow, in this odd world that favors certain gamers like actual athletes who get physically hurt on a real field. You’d rather look good in a very conventional way than be a clown or flashy thrill. Oh, sure, you could don decals like the other cars have, but then people might not recognize the expense you made.