Posts Tagged ‘letter

26
May
23

Thank you, Tina (Turner)

She’s beyond Thunderdome, now.  

Tina Turner.  Anna Mae.  Aunty Entity.

Powerhouse of rhythmic rock and roll.  You had some of the finest legs ever known.  And, your look…s were distinct and, most, memorable.  If you set any trend, it was the driving force that gets someone on stage to sing with all of their strength and heart.  You were a powerful inspiration to many, including myself, to whom you remain a torch, a torch of courage to go on with this life.  Unlike others in your rabbit shoes, you didn’t submit to death.  You didn’t extinguish your own torch.  You fought on and lived as long as you could, mistakes and all.  You endured.  And, you will endure in loving memory.  

Elton John sings that song about Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana living their lives like candles in the wind.  But, you, you danced like a candle in the wind.  You were a dazzling flame, a respectable Sagittarius Earth Rabbit.  

I Don’t Wanna Fight, but I would not say you were The Best, to be completely honest, if you Ask Me How I Feel.  And, I am not a Typical Male saying this.  I am a bit of a Private Dancer, so to speak, A Fool in Love with your vitality.  It’s too easy for imitators to flash their legs, wear big wigs or belt out tunes as powerfully as you did.  I can already see a few black women trying to be another you.  But, you certainly remain among the best female performers to move me.    

Looking at those imitators, you might say We Don’t Need Another Hero.  But, we do.  And, now that you are gone from this world (not gone from our hearts or in spirit), now that The Heartache Is Over, for you, now that you are no longer One of the Living, we need someone to fill those powerful shoes of yours, someone who can still do good for this world as a living person, while your spirit goes on doing what it can from wherever you may be.    

I think of what you can still do for us, for me, now that you ride the clouds with Silent Wings.  I never got to meet or spend any time with you, in person.  So, I cannot whole-heartedly say I’ll be Missing You.  But, I feel like your energy is infectious, and all it takes is to think of you with respect to feel you near me. 

Paradise Is NOT Here.  I hope it is where you are, now, with a direct line to wherever I may be, so I can always connect with you.  I’m sure you’ll say It’s Gonna Work Out Fine; I wish I could believe that.  The most I can do, right now, is hang on and keep fighting through this life.

What’s Love Got to Do With It?  I’m not sure.  But, a part of me still loves you, sister rabbit.  I cannot lie about that.  And, I don’t ask much, but you’d Better Be Good to Me.

Shine on, Tina…Anna Mae.  Shine on.  Keep on turning.  No pride required.  

 

06
Oct
22

Letter to Constance Wu, October 2022

*****

Dear, dear Constance (Wu),

I just saw you on the morning TV circuit. [How does an emotional person with a heavy book of past triumphs and trials go from one studio to the next, pitching that book?]

First, let me say you looked fabulous with the even-cut bangs and long hair…even more lovely in the video clip of you opening the box of books, with eyeglasses on your adorable face. The hoop earrings didn’t suit you, though. Other than that, ‘looking good.

I am also considering getting a copy of your book, though that feels slightly wrong to say…getting excited about a book filled with pains from the past.

What you said about being raised to avoid making scenes, avoid being visibly emotional…and how your parents couldn’t express love the way you wanted. I can completely relate, as I am sure many can. I think that’s one part that touched me.

Then you mentioned how teachers fussed about you not being good enough to write what you wrote, accusing you of copying. My experience wasn’t identical, but similar. So, another point that touched my tender heart.

When you started to tear up over your history with abuse and being pushed toward suicide by your own community, I just wanted to hold you in my arms and absorb your tears…. [Although, if you’re smart, you won’t retell the suicide story, over and over. I don’t think that helps you get over it; instead, I think it just keeps the fear and wound fresh.]

On that note, dear Aries Water Dog year, Constance, I am here to support you and say you just need to remember what a good, talented dog you are. I know, in some circles, “dog” is not what a woman wants to be called. In other male circles, dog is a term for a (good) friend. I’d like you to be a good friend, at least.

As far as I know, you haven’t made a mistake other than, maybe, being too quiet about who and what has been hounding you. Your concern for the jobs and reputation of a show and other actors was, perhaps, noble but foolish. You went down with the ship like a good captain…but a captain who was mistreated, not heralded.

As a kid, you favored Rajah, Jasmine’s tiger in Disney’s Aladdin? Well, find your bark, find your roar, and defend yourself, when needed. It may not be the most lady-like. And, it’s not often respected. But, you don’t need to fall and/or suffer to be respectful, polite.

Anyway…whatever you get yourself into…please…don’t be afraid to speak up…reach out…and, maybe, contact me, if that’s possible.

Question. How did you become a mother? I had no idea… Who…is the father? I presume you’re not married…so… W-Was this a child born out of the abuse? How much time has passed since I saw you on TV? Who is supporting you and your child, now? Have members of your family stepped up to help you?

I don’t often like making scenes. And, if you made a scene with me, I might be devastated, if it’s not a pleasant one. But, part of me would like to say…I’m okay with you making scenes…and I look forward to making scenes with you, if you’ll let me. [Smile.]

HUGS HUGS HUGS and more HUGS

You still have me in your corner.

Sincerely,

Writingbolt

23
May
22

Letter to Kate McKinnon (Departing SNL)

*****

Dearest Kate,

It pains me to see you leaving SNL, more than it pained me to see so many other favored personalities go over the years. In just a few brisk years, you went from being an odd duck to a woman I both fear and love at the same time; fear you when you decide to play outspoken old men and audacious lesbians; love you when you’re more lady-like (ha) and just generally and undeniably funny. You’ve worn so many faces…you should probably have a statue at the studio.

[Don’t expect me to name any of your characters; I cannot remember their names. But, I enjoyed the pet (cat) shop saleswoman who always had a slightly dumber partner to show off cats…your desperate last-call bar fly who occasionally resorted to using plastic wrap for protection (though I had no interest in seeing you swap spit and tongue rolls with so many other bar flies)…your German leader who frequently referenced her “oo-mails”…and whatever sort of artsy foreigner you were, paired with Cecily Strong, wearing those equally odd yet intriguing black-and-white outfits. I believe I have a picture I snapped with my camera, while sitting by the TV. Your outfit was odd. But, overall, you looked nice…yea, sure, Cecily looked great, too; I love her combo.]

greatlooksforCecilyStrong-n-KateMcKinnon-SNL_kodakblue100_reduced-E4922

And, here you are…on trial, apparently, instead of Amber Heard, who currently is still in a courtroom somewhere.  [This was for a Ghostbusters promotion?]

Kate McKinnon

July 8, 2016 – Hollywood, California, U.S. – Kate McKinnon stars in Ghostbusters and Saturdaynight Live

[And, where, when, why was THIS one taken?  You probably don’t consider yourself a model…but you do just fine.]

kate-mckinnon_unk-modellike-denim-pose-photo-1

Why does anyone leave the cast of SNL? Amassing quarrels with the boss? Getting too funny/rich for your own good? What is the reason?

I know you’ve done a few commercials. You’ve been in a movie or two. So have a number of “alumni.” I guess this is all routine. You start out a budding funny face, hoping to get more than a skit or two on SNL. Then you get outside work and get kicked to the curb, replaced by people with greater ethnic balance to aid the show’s “fresh” rating for being “open to all kinds.” ‘Gotta keep working the PR to keep SNL alive.

Oh, Kate. Why does this wound me so deeply? Clearly, you’ve opted to give up on men. Yet, here I am, a heterosexual man deeply infatuated (if not in love) with your wit and charming face (when you look feminine). [I don’t need to see any scary sewer clowns or possessed politicians/campaign assistants.]

Like I already said, there have been other women to leave SNL and wound my heart. But, none of them hold a candle to your array of characters. Others may have had one or two running gags to secure their place in my heart. But, you’re just a fountain of possibilities. And, that doesn’t come along, often.

You’d likely do well with a variety show of your own, if you could swing it. I think you’d give 1970s-1980s Carol Burnett a run for her money with the right cast. Could you rope in Dana Carvey and Mike Meyers? [I know; Maya Rudolph tried and didn’t do very well. But, you’re not her.]

So, where DO you go from here? I’m going to sound like a guy you meet on a street corner, near one of those steaming sewer vents and traffic lights. You got a place to stay? Where ya headed? I’d like to know. I really don’t want to see you disappear. And, commercials won’t cut it for me.

Please, stay in touch, if you could…if you would.

Sincerely,

Writingbolt, a dear fan (and wishful-thinking boyfriend)

[With our wits put together, we’d knock the whole world senseless with laughter. They’d wet themselves and go into a coma. And, we’d rock the bedroom, too.]

23
Dec
21

Dear Red-Haired, Fellow Rabbit, I Wish to Support You in Your Time of Grief

****

What do you do when sympathy sparks tabloids?

I have had one strange, painful week…and probably at the worst time, during what is supposed to be a festive holiday season.  There is no holiday joy, this year.  It seems to be getting sucked out by all sorts of tragedies.

Most recently, I have had a rather strange experience with a celebrity I have adored for some time…ever since Mr. Holland’s Opus.  My sister was watching a holiday movie that featured this strikingly pale and red-haired actress; she didn’t care for the beauty’s performance.  I commented how I still adore her.  Then, the next day, terrible news for the red-haired beauty appears on public “feeds.”  Just awful.  And, after that shook me, I strangely chose to watch X-Men:  Dark Phoenix and watch a little red-haired girl lose her parents in a series of strange “accidents.”

Now, being the sort of guy I am and having these inexplicable feelings for a(nother) woman I hardly know, it feels natural to offer sympathy and/or support, any way I can.  Yet, a simple line I read about requesting space and privacy prompted me to think and write this.  Celebrities get “shat” upon so often just for helping create things to entertain or invoke thoughts in us, the “viewing public.”  The rest of the world becomes mosquitoes in the faces of these famous folks, whether we want to know or not.  Some want to get the big scoop and a buck from the “tabloids” that pay them, as if their life depended upon digging up dirt.  Others, like me, might just want to reach out and embrace those who are “caught in the headlights” and steer them toward safer ground, shelter them from emotional and mental storms that could otherwise ruin them.

But, how does one offer sympathy and support without alerting the “mosquitoes?”

In short, without naming names, you, dear red-haired beauty who has been given a bad roll of the dice at the worst time of year for tragedy, I ache with you and wish I could do more to lift your spirit and help you work through the grief that is surely coming in waves.  Let my words and thoughts be a blanket of comfort to you in this harsh time.

[It does not seem to be a good decade for rabbits (if you have any idea what that means, astrologically).  We just have to survive the sh@t storm and continue seeking higher purpose to this life.  Perhaps, dedicating ourselves to service of others will ease the pain.]

29
Nov
21

Letter to Lady Gaga (Stefani Germanotta)

*****

Dear Lady Gaga, Stefani,

Ten years ago, Stefani, I could have written you off as street trash, as the “tramp” you’ve been singing about with classy Tony B. I witnessed your “Edge of Glory” and thought I’d seen enough of you being just a bit too bold. [Was that actually ten years ago?! Holy #^&@!] I admired your outspoken spirit and unique beauty but quickly lost interest in all of the tattoos, sexual references, meat dresses, prostitute-like antics, etc. You get the picture.

the new, more natural, classy Stefani Gaga

the former scandalous exhibitionist Lady Gaga

But, ever since you paired up with Tony, you little Aries tigress, you’ve taken on a magical glow, shed layers of mud and filth and exposed your true talent almost–not quite yet–in its purest form. Your voice; it is a potentially powerful one. [If it didn’t have any power, how would you have made such a stand-out appearance in The Simpsons? They built a whole episode around you.] After witnessing some of that power in recent performances, I’ve come to this conclusion…I need to write you a letter!

I saw the emotion in your face at what may have been your last public concert with Tony. Now, to be fair, you are someone I expect to be good at “faking” as well as shocking the pants off anyone who dares to challenge you. You certainly know how to apply makeup for effect. But, if what I saw was genuine, you were so close to having an emotional breakdown on stage; I wondered if your words were becoming garbled and confused. You seemed a bit…hokey and reminded me of Liza M., Judy G’s daughter. [All that aside, that gold curtain-like dress you had on was fabulous.]

At some point, a light grew inside my head, and a voice said, “Save the music!” Those who were sitting with me told me to shut up so they could listen to the rest of the show. [Ha.]

It wouldn’t stop hounding me; that voice. I saw potential and was dying to harness it; not like a stereotypical record producer from the 70s with tinted glasses, a gold chain and a bad mustache. But, take that “light” you currently have and extend it, expand upon it to (re)create a new flavor of music, something so refreshing and not-so-new that it would clear the air suffocating so many heads, right now. At a time when less powerful variations of the previous you and countless others are dragging the sex-drug-and-wealth mentality through the sludge year after year, you could be the golden force that cleans up the streets, the light that inspires pride in a person, for him or her self and/or their homeland. You could be a statue of liberty (or maybe an Evita telling New-Yorkers not to cry for you when you’re…ya know).

I kept thinking…what happens to you when the current phase you are in comes to an end? Surely, you feel it (coming). [Let’s not get too detailed about the realities of Tony B.] You can only sing those old songs so long before they get even older.

I’ve noticed how certain famous musicians/vocal artists put out albums of familiar songs they get the chance to “cover” when they seem to have run out of original material, just to stay afloat, to stay visible and hopefully keep making money. But, it’s like a bad smell. You can almost see the vultures circling over their heads. The end is near. Or, maybe, the career is already over, and the “remix” is just a pillow to cushion the blow, the departure from the spotlight.

Do we really need another copy of a song sung countless times, even if we like one voice better than another? [I don’t care who sings that old Happy Birthday song, even Marilyn Monroe. I’m going to eventually scream from hearing it too often.]

But, for you, surely, this isn’t the end. You’ve still got plenty of years ahead of you. I’m just concerned about what becomes of you in those coming years. [Why? I’m not sure. Let’s rewind the tape here and see if anything makes sense. Oh, yeah; the light that recently emerged.] I guess I’m concerned you might revert to your former ways and material when you no longer have your current vocal partner, your stabilizing force in the storm (which gives me this potent visual of you as a siren on a rock in the middle of a stormy sea, gleaming in golden scales with your pale hair flapping in the wind).

Rather than witness the lesser of roads taken and wait for you to either shed the glitz of “old New York” or fall hard from “glory,” I feel a need to preserve the “light” that seems to be growing or emerging from inside you, like a little seed of hope. In a world where it’s so easy to fall into bad habits and dark influences, you could change some or all of that just by maintaining your current glow.

I guess what I’m trying to say–in probably too many words–is that you need to put out an album of new “old” music (if that makes any sense). Take what you’ve learned with Tony and write new songs of similar (but potentially better) caliber. I’d like to believe you can do it. You have the opportunity to recreate Tony’s quality of music in the present time and extend its lifetime for as long as that may last. [I’ve seen other artists try and fail; Alicia Keys if I must mention a name (no offense intended to that beautiful woman).] I know, originality is at an all-time low. Even I feel the effects and want to cry out because it pains me to admit. It’s hard to create something new, right now. But, if you could, it might crack the crust on that tired, old mess clouding so many heads. It might start a creative revolution.

Just think, you could be the new song carried in the hearts of millions when they start their day and/or when a certain holiday season approaches. You could be the voice echoed in the streets. You’d be immortalized, in a good way. And, I’d rather see you glimmering in gold than covered in spikes and raw meat. Ya know? I’d rather see you inspiring others to clean themselves up than encouraging them to get down and dirty (just because the world seems to suck and it’s easier to act out like the cast of Rent).

If you think Tony’s “shine” is old and outdated, merely something you are grateful to share for a moment because the world isn’t like that old song, think again. Do you honestly believe the world was a better place when he and those before him made those old songs famous? For all we presently know, the past generations might have had a very similar share of problems, just painted a little differently. Those old songs might have been crafted to lift soiled chins up from their misery. They might have been casting illusions, but they also energized people to get moving and make a (positive) difference. Sure; right now, the world doesn’t seem like it could get any worse. It stinks. It feels doomed and gloomy. And, it’s easy to spit on it all.

You don’t have to go “full Broadway” (and merely be a new face on old “shtick”) or give up that rebellious spirit that first made you famous. That which put your name in lights can be the driving force that steels you against the muck and stale gloom of mediocrity (which seems inevitable when you think of how others quickly try to copy something another performer just did and turn it into a brief but blaring trend of the decade). But, rather than go on being a sexually explicit scandal hidden under a stage name, you could become a household name associated with class.

If you go back to a previous incarnation of yourself, you strip away all of the polish you’ve recently acquired/earned and make your time with Tony look like a sad joke. You make it all feel like a Polaroid moment with grandpa which is just as quickly tossed aside in a shoebox and, eventually, forgotten. You kiss an old man goodbye and hit the road to tag a few more fire hydrants. Is this just your summer vacation or the start of a positive, elating, inspiring revolution?

[By the way, at the end of that recent performance, when you said you were going to escort Tony off the stage one last time? I would have said, “Tony and I are going to take off, now. We’re going to party. Maybe we’ll see some of you, later.” ‘Rather than sound like that moment was…well…the (sad) end. But, I realize, again, you may have been so emotional that you couldn’t think of a better choice of words.]

You could outshine every other young gal donning a top hat and some skin-tight or suffocating outfit, trying to be the best eye candy out there…which seems hard for me to admit, considering how I feel about your past. [But, then again, look at how a prostitute like Mary Magdalene (if that is the correct spelling/person), sharing a first name with the guy’s own virgin mother, could win the heart of someone like Jesus.] I’m aware; there are others with tattoos, pretty faces (under all of the showy stage makeup) and similarly (but not quite the same quality) powerful voices who could steal your spotlight. You don’t have to let that happen.

If the emotion I witnessed in you during that recent concert was genuine, get a firm grip on that light within you and help it grow by working on new songs that emulate the quality of the ones you’ve been singing with Tony. [Am I repeating myself?] MMMaybe wait a few years to write the next New-York anthem; I think that effort has been beaten raw and seems risky, right now. But, let that infamous song inspire you. Kick up your legs like a Rockette in a recording studio and feel the happier music spring from your pores. The world might be looking like it’s at its lowest and as if humankind is just the worst, but you can find the gold in the rough and give even the slimiest of people hope.

[I just wish I had a set of lyrics to deliver rather than be one more badgering voice telling you to do something. If I had more resources, emotional support and a better situation/work environment, I probably would be crafting such songs. But, then again, forces that be might still hinder that development. There is the slim possibility that something outside our control is preventing new quality music from being written.]

As I was clashing with my fellow viewers of your (duet) performance, they actually made a decent suggestion. You could be like Tony and find an “apprentice” to help “carry the torch.” Rather than go on alone when…ya know…you could pick a new partner to be that support/balance and carry on with the same quality of music you now praise when even you have to…ya know. Just imagine…an on-going legacy of quality music that keeps a torch of hope and cheer burning in countless hearts. It’s a prospect bigger than solo fame, bigger than being a legend known by his or her name.

It’s ultimately up to you, new…er, you. New Yooou! Newww Yooooou! Yeah!

Sincerely,

Writingbolt, a rather passionate and morally-conscious artist

P.S. And, if I am completely wrong, if you have no intention of reverting to your former scandalous behavior, if that was just a breakout phase and you’ve matured beyond my comprehension, then I will just button my lip and fade away.

P.S.S. I look forward to your performance in the Gucci movie. But, why didn’t you want to meet with the woman you portray?

20
Oct
21

Letter to Game Freak, the Makers of Pokémon Games, 10-20-2021

*****

Letter to Game Freak
Re: future Pokémon games

[I am posting this letter on my blog, instead of trying to figure out which email address is the best for reaching those who need to/should see it. I trust the forces that be will guide my words to the right source, somehow. I forewarn anyone who reads this; it is a lengthy letter…because I see many areas for improvement and have a fair number of compliments to offer, as well.  If you know where to send such letters to achieve my desired goal, feel free to suggest a direction/address in the comments below.]

Listen, game designers. I hate to sound like an adamant or rash Granbull, but it’s time we talk about remodeling these Pokémon games; specifically those involving extensive exploration of vast landscapes, collecting countless items and attempting to build up a team capable of defeating some advertised champion in battle. [And, I don’t mean complicating them, requiring more investment of time. No one needs to spend years playing one game (or…how many have you made/sold, now?) and ignoring their real world duties/interests. Although, having reason and/or zeal to revisit places (in changing weather/seasons) and replay the games is usually good.]

I *like* your games! Other than the thought of forcing my pets fight other animals in a strange sort of “cock fight,” over and over and over, again, I really do! I’ve spent countless dollars and hours chasing colorful creatures in so many different forms. I’ve chased to fast-food chains for toys when there were promotions. I feel like Ash Ketchum (Satoshi) sending in post cards to get his Kanto League baseball cap (instead of someone just handing it to him, along with new clothes, when he gets to the next region)! I once deemed myself a “Pokémon freak” for wanting and buying so many things. [There is a particular Pokémon character players encounter in the early games, who wears a costume set of dinosaur legs and a tail and is called something like a game or Pokémon freak; that would probably be me because I tend to enjoy wearing costume pieces and imitating other animals.]

The creature designs…well, most of them…are great. I think my first “loves” were Geodude and Bulbasaur. I don’t know why a round, rocky meatball with arms appeals to me, but it does! It’s the best “pet rock” I’ve ever seen. And, Bulbasaur screams “Chia Pet” but has a certain inexplicable charm, as well, unlike its evolutions. I love Articuno (but hate cold/icy things and weather). I favored Moltres until I saw Ho-Oh, which looks like a classical, cultural phoenix without being bathed in fire…like the exceptionally cooler Galarian Moltres (better design of the flames than the original), which is a little creepy. Wartortle is awesome; I love the feathery wings on its head, like Thor from Marvel Comics. Dragonair is beautiful; again, wings on its head…and a graceful form to represent wind and water, similar to Suicune, which is also beautiful. The Kantonian Vulpix could learn a few style tips from its Galarian cousin, but Ninetales is a dream, both the Kantonian and Alolan forms, as is Rapidash, both the Kantonian and Galarian forms. If I didn’t like enough of the Pokémon, I’d probably ignore the games.

001Bulbasaur_vector-pokemon-1

The splashy battle effects, when they’re done right, are delightful. [I LOVE fighting (well, not exactly enjoying combat but doing just about anything that isn’t labor) in the rain and am currently contemplating some new Pokémon that might make better use of Drizzle, which is better than Rain Dance if it still boosts water attacks/accuracy without requiring the use of a precious move slot.] Some moves look much cooler than they actually are. Spite, Sweet Scent and Confuse Ray, in certain games, are very cool visual effects but not very helpful.

The human character designs…well, let’s not talk about the Galarian region as much (including guys and gals that are…confused?…which caused certain members of my family to raise eyebrows and feel equally confused)…are mostly pleasing, as well, even “villains” like Giovanni and his Team (R) Rocket. They were a very clever mob in the early games because you didn’t know who worked with Team Rocket until they announced their allegiance. An agent could be anyone from a scientist to a person hanging out at a casino (unlike Team Skull who stood out like sore thumbs and seemed to only assist the beautiful yet somewhat scary boss lady, Lusamine, who headed the Aether company).

Watching the original (American) Pokémon cartoons (from what became known as the Kanto region), from the moment I first saw Brock at a Pokémon Center, I knew I was going to like the guy…and Nurse Joy…and Office Jenny. And, though it became a bit annoyingly repetitive, I enjoyed Misty’s responses to Brock’s behavior. Who couldn’t fall in love with those young women? And, how could I not pity a guy who fails…over and over…to find a proper life partner/wife/girlfriend? How could I not support him and follow his story?…except for that sad, brief period in which he stayed with Professor Ivy, while Ash and Misty were away at the Orange Islands. I was genuinely afraid he would meet some tragic fate after she rejected him.

Aside from all of that which is Brock, I was fairly gripped into following Ash’s journey across the region, trying different foods, ever so slowly learning a few things to better handle Pokémon (and other people) and reaching that Olympic-like championship (which sure looked better in the cartoon than it does in the early games). Despite Ash’s oblivious and hasty behavior (which seems oddly similar to that of Hop in Sword/Shield…though Hop is far less interesting), he is an amusing and somewhat inspiring character to follow. [Maybe Hop just needs a girlfriend or female “foil,” someone to interact with him, rather than just leave our playable character with a dumb smile on his/her face as we let Hop go about his chasing and failures.]

Misty was (is) a perfect travel companion, with her special blend of conflicting outlooks, humbling fear (of bugs, mainly), genuine concern and spirited encouragement. [I’m surprised Brock didn’t have any interest in HER, though I realize there may be a considerable age difference. Or, maybe, he secretly knew she was meant for Ash…though that relationship never seemed to develop!! I think I would have fallen in love with Misty on day one…and then told her to get rid of that odd hair band on day two…and replaced her bicycle by day thirty (because I hate having debt chained to me).] The three were a rather perfect team. [And, let’s not forget the comedic and touching antics of that rebellious Pikachu who wouldn’t stay in a ball.]

brock-misty-ash-overlookingviridiancity-or-palettetown-kantopokemonseries-TV-clip-1

I recall how the first generation of Pokémon questing games were so primitive–yet expansive in their own way and time–and failed to capture the magic of the cartoons. Then came Pokémon Yellow, and we players finally got the chance to meet up with Jessie and James and cope with a not-so-easy-to-please Pikachu. Brilliant, though somewhat of an after-thought in terms of planning. The “more accurate” game with a better quality of story came after the other three.

The story aspect, having your character pursue a goal and helping others along the way; that’s great (when it feels like a decent story and not just a flimsy set of directions guiding us through more and more questionable battles). Repetitive music droning without the ability to switch it off (when we just want to scream)…eh, not so much. [I can adjust volume of some things; why can’t I turn off the music?!…or alter the music style the way I was once able to alter the frame/profile card.]

It’s time to stop the TR/TM hunt madness. For over 25 years, you’ve had players scrambling and scratching their heads, trying to find and figure out what skill to teach what creature, worrying about wasting precious one-use lessons on the wrong critter just to win some big battle (or a series of big battles, which is even more excessively stress-inducing).

ENOUGH!!

There have been WAY too many hidden items and too few move tutors. And, the other means of teaching moves are just more confusion in the mix. [Oh!…my gosh! I cannot forget the time spent searching those repeating patches of grass and blank stretches with either the Item Finder or just looking for key spots for hidden items. That is a chore.]

Keep it simple.

EVERY move/lesson you can teach a Pokémon is a TM and free to use as often as players like once they find/acquire it. No more breaking or purchasing TRs at ridiculous rates. No more needing excessive amounts of “watts” to pay or money to reap. [Although, if you go with my following idea about Move Tutors, you COULD have some charge a fee for certain moves.]

I mean…geesh! We spend enough time scouring the maps for items and dealing with trainers looking to ambush us and raising levels to survive certain areas and gym battles. Why complicate all of that investment of time with fussing over what to teach our companions (and worrying about breeding)? [Not to mention…the limitation of 4 moves per creature is REALLY confining and discouraging; but I get it. Any more and the requirements for the game to house so many creatures with varying abilities might be overkill (in coding/memory storage).] If you decided to add more move/lesson options, on top of the already jaw-dropping list, where would you even bother to hide them all? How much more landscape do you need to stash a few dozen or hundred more “lesson balls?” When is enough enough? How long before a sufficient number of brains crash like computers?

Now, you could…

A) Have players finding hidden balls/scrolls that contain all of these moves and scatter them around the regional maps. [Good luck when the sheer number of moves exceeds land mass. I picture Easter egg hunts in which people run out of hiding places and/or interest and just dump a few here and there and call it done.]

OR

B) Scatter “wise folks” (move tutors) across the land, waiting for trainers to find and learn from them, like a “guru” or “sensei.” This would be an incentive for players to interact with the various people you place around the maps, including some of those pointless passersby who don’t seem to be doing much except requiring useless coding. Instead of having people that speak worthless nonsense, just to appear like they’re alive, give a few TMs to teach. A casual passerby might know a skill you could put to good use, if you let him/her “bend your ear.” [I recall the stout figure near the middle of town in one of the early games; he offered to teach Rollout, which was a new and amusing move, at the time.]

Perhaps, to scale down the number of required tutors (for the growing number of moves), you could have certain tutors help with a select variety of moves or function like those particular tutors who help remember “forgotten” moves, who don’t just re-teach one move. A tutor could be a master of a particular element/type, able to teach any move that fits under that type. Maybe certain tutors are better with teaching aggressive, physical moves while others are adept at training the mind or evasion/agility. Maybe some tutors work better with Pokémon of a particular nature/personality, much the way real teachers have differing results with different types of students. [A teacher with little or no sense of humor won’t likely put up with a “class clown.”]

I mentioned breeding earlier. Let’s talk about that, too, while we are here. Why do we even need to breed, honestly? Why do you need to complicate your games with an additional task just to HOPEFULLY get some ideal type/makeup and maybe satisfy the perfectionist virus in those who are cursed with it?

If breeding is to continue being a thing you can do, why not simplify it? Why can’t breeding just be a way to get a different personality or gender while retaining…

A) all of the moves known by one parent. In the case of breeding with a Ditto, the non-Ditto Pokémon’s full four-move set is passed to the offspring. Boom. Done. All that changes is the gender/personality of the offspring. Some children will be happier/nicer than others, who may be naughty/fussy.

OR

B) half of the moves known by the father and half known by the mother, specifying which slots are transferred, so trainers know where to place the passed-on moves. This would be a fair method/alternative for breeding without Ditto.

Now, let’s talk about the whole complication of Natures and whatever that other Personality trait is that also seems annoying. [‘Something about which IV stat is favored? Whatever!]

WHY ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH would anyone WANT a Pokémon that is “vain” or “naïve” or “finicky” or “likes to fight” or “lonely” or “capable of taking hits.” That last one really scrambles my brain. If every creature in your games cannot take hits, what’s it doing in a game that requires creatures to fight each other?! Seriously. That’s like saying “capable of running.” Yay. My Pokémon can get slapped and won’t complain because it’s also simple-minded and probably a masochist. And, if a Pokémon is traveling with you or another Pokémon, how can he/she/it be lonely?! That’s just stupid; that’s like saying the poor critter is oblivious to who or what is around him/her/it, even when they are receiving care.

I think you might need to clean the slate on some of these aspects and refresh the lists a bit. Try these options:

NATURES:

KIND (instead of Mild),
CARING (instead of Gentle),
HELPFUL (instead of Quiet),
FIERCE (instead of Adamant),
RABID/AGGRESSIVE (instead of Hasty/Rash),
REBELLIOUS (instead of Impish and/or Sassy which are both unpleasant, to say the least, if you consider sassy as rude, impolite and/or verbally cruel),
PROTECTIVE,
DEFENSIVE,
HONORABLE,
TRICKY (instead of Impish),
SMART,
WISE (instead of Timid)

[Quirky, Bashful (better than Timid which could be defined as afraid/cowardly), Docile, Bold, Jolly, Brave and Modest are just fine, I guess. Remember, these creatures are our companions/pets/defenders/teammates. Why would we want negative or defeatist traits? And, why do we need to “wonder trade” those with the lousy traits just to toss them away when we see them and become disappointed? That’s just a huge waste of time and coding!]

PERSONALITIES:

[I’m partial to “sturdy body” (versus the Sturdy ability, which is fairly pointless other than acting like a weak Focus Sash, if someone doesn’t use a move that spoils Sturdy like Double Kick), “highly curious” and “loves to eat” (as a fun, adventurous travel companion should be), “alert,” “thoroughly cunning” and “impetuous and silly.” Those are good/okay.]

RESPECTFULLY TIDY/SELF-CONFIDENT (instead of “somewhat vain,” which could be defined as useless or futile as well as obsessed with oneself),

STRONG/ENDURING (instead of that annoying “capable of taking hits”),

MESSY (as a fun alternative to tidy for slob fans, which makes more sense than “scatters things often”),

(FAIRLY/UNFAIRLY) PLAYFUL or TRICKY (versus impetuous and silly and/or mischievous, which could be defined as harmful, evil or mean-spirited, when some who benefit from Special Attacks might not need to be mean, wicked or evil…ya know?),

EXCEPTIONALLY (DARING/AUDACIOUS)

LOVES (LOUNGING/PLAYING) IN BED (versus “takes plenty of siestas,” which I realize is another attempt to infuse the Spanish language, for whatever reason)…or EARLY RISER/NIGHT OWL

ADEPT AT EVADING HARM or FAIRLY EVASIVE (versus “quick to flee,” which sounds cowardly and like someone who would abandon a friend)

Oh! I just had another intriguing idea. You created “mints” for adjusting certain traits/natures (without actually changing the text for those traits/natures). What if there were similar items or means of altering the actual (text) nature/personality to one that is preferred (considering certain code-skilled hackers are able to do this to some degree)? What if you could care for a Lonely and Somewhat Vain Pokémon some way that would turn him/her/it Jolly and Impetuous and Silly? What if a Pokémon Center could include a therapist (a “Doctor Mien” or “Doc Attitude” in an office near Nurse Joy) of some sort who could instill personality adjustments, much the way the café guys in the Galarian region can help with remembering moves and altering names?

Of course, if there were no such natures/personalities as Vain, Timid, Lax and Lonely, this wouldn’t be needed. But, considering you already have them in previous/current games…and considering you came up with the mint idea…why not a…er…mint-effect tutor; a personality adjusting therapist/massage supplier? This would improve the outlook on finding an unpleasant creature by providing a means of improving that outlook. You’re not exactly performing brain surgery or using mind control; you’re “polishing a turd” by instilling a new behavior/attitude. You’re turning a dud into a stud or star; you’re improving the nature of your partner by helping (not warping) him/her/it. Think of it like another way of correcting those status effects like paralysis and burns. A lonely or mischievous Pokémon could be trained/taught to be more jolly and kind/helpful; a timid Pokémon could be given ample feeding of support/compliments to become self-confident and/or brave. Now, you’re not just coping with a lousy “soldier” in your “army” as you pursue war; you’re looking out for your friends and stoking the fire of teamwork (much the way you already offer building “friendship” to allow for evading attacks).

Link Trades. I was recently discussing Link Trading with a family member who also plays some of your games. They were trying to connect with a particular trader via a link code. But, having to enter the same code over and over, only to encounter others trying to reach the same person, seemed rather annoying and futile. There is an option to block certain online players from making some kind of connection with you, as the player. What if there was a feature or bit of programming for filtering out those other people entering the link codes, so traders are not bumping into each other accidentally–which seems rather foolish. Or, there could be a “call-waiting” system which would let traders know where they stand in a line to get to a particular trader, giving each wannabe trader a number in that line. Also, a simple redial button would save the hassle of re-entering the same code over and over, again.

And, I know it’s probably asking too much, but I’d like a different general…er…type or model for these Pokémon games; focusing on battles seems deceptively cruel. There’s a splash of excitement and magic thrown over forcing animals to fight until they “faint.” My nephews say “die” and enjoy “killing” opposing Pokémon. It’s a bit difficult to enjoy…anything…when you are driven to “kill” something, without inducing bloodlust and promoting violence. I don’t want my beloved pets/friends/companions tearing, slashing and gutting other creatures I find in wild, natural settings…nor in some gym/arena; I’d prefer them to force the opposing creatures to withdraw with a playful splash, pounce or tail slap. [But, when I do encounter some jerk/bully and/or savage, mean-spirited creatures, I tend to lower my standards and may resort to some “blind” violence.]

[I realize the first games were probably intended for aggressive, restless boys who needed one more outlet for releasing violent energy away from actual human opponents. But, girls and non-violent boys/men (like me) like your “pets,” too. And, not every game or anime has to be about fighting to earn some sort of title or power; striving to achieve does not always equate combat. It may seem like combat, but we don’t actually attack others to get a promotion at work; that sounds more like The Hunger Games or The Running Man.]

Games like Pokémon Snap are…okay. But, I don’t want to just take photos and hope to get a good score/rating to decide my outcome; I don’t want to be rated on everything I do. [And, to be quite honest, taking photos of Pokémon in games seems a bit disappointing. Any photos I try to save always appear a bit pixelated, like an older 8-bit game versus an actual, quality photo I’d want to frame.] Completing a Pokedex is a goal, not a rating/score. And, I want to spend more time with my “pets,” not just throw a ball at them, feed them and then send them into battle only to watch some poor creature fall motionless (or…well…disappear). [Imagine having a monkey ride on your shoulder and toy/play with you or riding your newfound pet horse across the countryside, not watching a poor creature with short legs and lousy speed try to keep up as you speed ahead on a bicycle or motor vehicle.]

Even if my suggestions and these alternative Pokémon games help by providing alternatives to fighting, I get the feeling you may have already put a certain “stink” on the whole Pokémon image. Yet, like some trees, maybe this project just needs sufficient time to amend/heal. This reminds me of how certain legendary Pokémon cease conflicts between other powerful creatures.

Encouraging violence isn’t helping anyone, even if it temporarily can be a stress reliever. [When I get mad at someone, I’d rather play Final Fight or Double Dragon and pound some punks into submission than pick an actual fight with anyone.] If you look at anime like Avatar: The Last Airbender, the protagonists improve themselves with experience and interaction, with learning and observation; the combat is more often in self-defense than a chosen or required path. [And, isn’t one of the oldest lessons about the martial arts that they are not intended for “kicking butt” but for improving one’s ability to defend themselves and those they wish to protect?] Amazingly, people (in the Avatar anime) rarely faint; those who actually die seem to do so quietly or “off-camera” in a way that reduces potential discomfort. Though, I suppose, you have to accept the notion that mortals will eventually die, somehow; that’s also a lesson of life we all must learn.

You tried to steer things in a different direction with those “Pokémon Contests,” back in…was it Emerald? You had May face off against that “fancy pants” boy who boasted about his Roselia; they competed in some sort of exhibition of talents, beauty, strength, etc. Those were actually fun, in the game, by the way.

Maybe a sort of Pokémon Olympics would be a more noble path than fighting to fight some more and be the best fighter, excused as a “Pokémon Master.” [There is a Legend of Zelda game in which Link hones his skills as an archer. Similarly, Pokémon could hone skills with trainers met along a journey, practicing tree-climbing or swimming, for examples, to develop and improve skills which could then be tested in some sort of competition at a designated arena/stadium. And, unlike the actual modern Olympics, there would likely be less concern for coaches doing unpleasant things out of the public eye; in a way, the “parents” would be training and entering their “children” into competition, while encouraging/supporting the effort of helping others along the way to earning a medal/trophy.]

[You featured Pokémon Breeder as a path for Brock in the cartoons. Why couldn’t something like that be an alternative game plot? Have players work on being the best at caring for and learning about Pokémon, versus figuring out what deadly, powerful moves will ensure them victory in battle.]

Training could be done in nature, honing skills with splitting stones, meditating under waterfalls, swimming across lakes, listening to nature sounds, climbing mountains/trees, etc. Though, I realize, considering some of those objects in nature may also/actually be Pokémon…this gets a bit vexing. Also, instead of “fainting,” maybe, even in Pokémon battles, a fight could be decided with a “surrender” or “escape” when the opposing Pokémon “can no longer battle.” “The opposing (Pokémon) admits defeat and flees the scene to recover.” These games are not Dragon Quest or Final Fantasy; we’re not seeking tallies of kills in Medieval Times.

I think the Dynamax-pit battles in Pokémon Sword/Shield show signs of what’s to come. You took a diverse list of moves and reduced it to a smaller variety of type moves; all fighting moves become “maximum strike,” and grass moves become “maximum overgrowth.” That’s one step from going back to rock, scissors and paper. I think even you realize the list of possible moves is getting out of hand…yet you continue to try and invent more and more new creatures and keep them interesting. I think the early games should have taught you the lesson; such pursuits are sure to drive anyone mad and consume everything. It’s another green-eyed monster.

150 was a noble feat. 800+ is steering toward madness. You became like a rolling boulder, trying to keep the machine rolling with something new to keep buyers buying without losing or shedding the old. But, feeding such a monster only saps you until you’re nothing. [It’s a…wait for it…giga drain. Ha.]

You created something amazingly popular. Be content with it and move on to something new. Every story has an end; and then we find other stories. Eventually, Ash (Satoshi) gets older (even if he doesn’t mature); maybe he becomes a wistful mentor to the next generation who don’t see a need to have Pokémon fight for sport. Or, continue to make games involving Pokémon without the original questing and struggle to add more creatures/moves.

All of this does not mean anyone will forget what you created. Like other old games, we go back and play them, again, when the mood strikes. [Maybe not checkers, though my nephews are first playing that, now; I suppose some games lose their appeal.] The “Pokémon world” is a somewhat fun and educational place to visit (and return), full of colorful characters and creatures, just like our real world. Sure; it’s constantly evolving (and only expanding by revealing other parts we have yet to explore). But, learn from Monopoly, which is a huge waste of resources to create repetitive and time-consuming gaming just with an endless array of pieces from which players can choose. I know…creativity is both invigorating and taxing; but we all need to master better self-control. [I need to control myself and keep my letters more concise, as I’ve been advised many times.]

[And, I say all of this while a nephew and I have been busy creating new Pokémon; he already has two regions (or hemi-regions for the two compatible games of his generation) in mind and occasionally comes to me with new character drawings and explanations. You’ve given us–and others, I am sure–that itch you know all too well. Now, if only I could get him to work on a story, instead of just creatures and battle tactics.]

Despite your aspirations and/or intentions, we cannot actually LIVE in your Pokémon world. Trying to do so will deplete us until we are nothing. However, we can learn from your world how to better interact with and appreciate our own…you know, if we don’t try pitting a sparrow against a pig in combat.

Hopefully, some, if not all, of the above suggestions improve the quality and appreciation of your laborious works, for designers and players, alike. I think they will. I believe, with these adjustments, lengthy Pokémon questing games will be more worth the journey/investment.

Thank you (or “Domo arigato”) for your time and consideration. And, thank you for continuing to inspire me with your colorful creations. I am currently invested in Pokémon Shield and (excessively in) Pokémon Moon. I look forward to trying your latest Arceus game, considering it appears to add some fresh outlook on the journey and involves some historical elements. [I have an inexplicable interest in Asian culture and ancient history, though a few details occasionally deter my interest.]

Sincerely,

Writingbolt, a Pokémon fan since 1996 (though I first became enamored with the American cartoons in 1998, which drew me back to the games)

mina-hau-lillieinZmodeoutfit_pokemon-sun-moon-clipart-1

31
Jul
21

Letter to Psyonix and the Other Makers of Rocket League

*****

A Letter to Psyonix and the other makers of the “free edition” of Rocket League, capable of being played with the Nintendo Switch (provided you have a decent controller).

To whom it should concern,

Folks, let me be blunt. Your gaming universe sucks. You’ve created one more lousy internet-crashing space full of jerks, losers, cowards and posers. Most of your music catalog is absolutely annoying. And, your award system is the worst.

How do I justify these statements? Well, let’s see…

I’ve invested more time than most players to complete every goal of the 3rd season, just as I did last season. And, I came very close to completing “gold level” the first season, back when Slushii was a decent guest DJ, providing the first song I would have liked as a player anthem…but nooo…I couldn’t get that song as my anthem. And, just because I’m not a paying member of your “premium” customer base, you’re going to deny me a decent song when I find one? Instead, you’ll feed me a billion dumb blueprint copies, ugly wheels and hideous decals? On my best day, I get a “finish” or “trail” that looks half-decent. Maybe I’ll craft a new preset to improve my furious mood. But, not today!

So, people are astounded when they see my high-level picture frame. Gee, is it because I put in the hard work for such little gain? It’s not like I am a great player……buuuuuut I sure am better than many of those boasting “Season 3 Tournament Winner.” Which brings me to my next point…

Learn how to group players by rank! You create this lengthy road to a rating system and provide numerous tournaments. But, people who cannot clearly play somehow become winners and appear in games with rookies and actual “noobs” (not those champion hotshots who just call themselves NOOB to be cheeky). Only the real champions ever show any skill, and, when I see them, it seems to always be an unfair game, me and a couple of newcomers or some lousy AI against 1-3 guys half my age who can spin their car in the air like a wand of cotton candy.

Let me tell you about my latest tournament experience. In my first tournament, just this season, I made it to round two before being crushed by a team of “S3 Tournament Winners.” There were no such winners on my team. How did I get put up against a team of winners? [Actual winners; not posers.] Fair enough; that just seems to be the norm with your lousy setup; it has happened far too many times in ranked matches, like those Rumble and Snow Day variations. I powered through. Oh. I earned some sort of tickets or credits to spend on some kind of trophy package. Hmm. Lots of possible items to get. Oh. I just get one? Ookay. Oh, wow! Goal explosions and some of Julie Buchanan’s music! Maybe I’ll. Okay. No goal explosion. But, I did get the better of two Julie B. songs. I’ll save the rest of my credits/tickets for later….maybe I’ll earn enough to get a higher prize. Next tournament, I am put up against three more pros with two rookies at my sides; we’re wiped out in round one. I have just enough credits/tickets to get two prizes. Maybe I’ll be lucky this time and get–nope! I got some lame wheels and a really ugly decal. Okay. Let’s save some credits for next time, again. What?! The week turned over, and my saved credits/tickets are gone? Is that how that works? What a load of–! Okay. Stay cool. Let’s just try one more tournament and get some more credits/tickets to spend. Okay, my team makes it to round 2. And, we are supposed to be facing some “Mantis” team. But, the game isn’t starting. I clicked “Continue” and was faced with the “bracket” while my teammates, for some reason, retreated to the main menu. Now, I don’t see them on the list and I am not in the game…and the Mantis team is up 2 to 0?! What is going on?! Suddenly, I’m ejected from the team and seeing results for the team’s loss. WTF?! Okay. Calm down. Let’s just spend some credits/tickets to improve our sour, confused mood. What the–?! A duplicate of the same song track I got the previous round?! Son of a–!! Okay, let’s not lose those other credits, again. Let’s spend them and get–more crappy wheels?!

And, ya know what else grinds my gears about team-ups? 9 out of 10 games, I am put up against a “club” of two or three who clearly have a means of communicating with each other. Forget your crappy chat system no one but me seems to want to use other than to slander and beg for freebies (trades and shots they won’t earn themselves). These players must have headsets and internet voice-chat services running to be so coordinated. And me? I’m just trying to silently convey how to work together, passing the ball in front of the other team’s goal (called clearing) so one of my teammates can score. No. No one really gets that move, other than the other team who does it so flawlessly and skirts around me and my team almost every time. And then, my team has the nerve to criticize ME! And, if one more “floater” tells me to “take the shot,” I will snap and shove my foot up his or her– Well, you get the idea. What’s the use in having my fierce language filtered?

And, how lousy is it to enter a ranked match and either have your team vote to forfeit after one goal or have some internet glitch lose connection, knock you out of the game and get a penalty for leaving the game? Extremely lousy! How many games have I entered in which my team bails and leaves me to rot with the full other team for another few minutes of humiliation? How many must I endure? And, if I feel the urge to leave, heaven forbid! I will be burned at the stake and banned from play! As if! Do that and I will unleash a wrath so scathing, you’re grandkids will scream in pain.

Oh yea. And, “friend lists?” What a joke. The people I befriend seem only interested in winning, not being actual teammates who tolerate and learn from loss and actually communicate with each other! I have actually deleted and blocked “friends” because they only want someone who can win games for them, as if it’s magic that just graced their doorstep like some blue fairy visiting a wooden boy. When I’m not dazzling them, they want nothing to do with me. Screw friends.

I thought chatting outside games would be beneficial to all. I guess not! People have no patience for chat. They just want to play, rank up and win, win, win more stuff. But, if they are going to be “friends,” why can’t they be more friendly and enduring?! No. Friends suck. Your friend list and chat service with all of its excessive filtering sucks. You’re worse than Ned Flanders; ohgly dohgly.

Now, let’s talk about those “rare drops.” How many of those damn things do I have to earn to get something I really like?! Well, so far, I’d say the odds of getting a favorable reward are about 1/20. 19/20 include lousy duplicate wheels, paint finishes or decals, even if the drop is an extra special one. Last season, when I completed the big list of chores and got the three special prize “eggs,” did I get anything great out of those? Nope. I got a duplicate of a car I had already unlocked/earned elsewhere and more wheels and, I think, a new finish or decal I was lucky I could even use on some cars. THAT was what all of my hard work earned?!

Of course, there’s always trading. As if! If I don’t “buy in to trade,” I see only the option to “trade in,” AND THAT SUCKS! How many things have I traded in just to get another lousy set of wheels or duplicate finish? Too many. Blueprint trading is dumber than dumb!

If people could actually trade with me, MAYBE I’d actually find someone willing to trade for what I have in duplicate. But, probably not, because what I think or see labeled as RARE, UNCOMMON and/or IMPORT are actually quite common and already showcased on other players. I don’t see much sense in trading anything. Any good items I have or want seem only one-of-a-kind.

Do you realize I have worked my arse off through three seasons/years of lousy team-ups and brutal thrashings by pros thrice my speed, and I still haven’t earned ONE lousy goal explosion? What is the fricken elite deal with those, anyway?! And, why can’t I get the one Julie Buchanan song I actually like without “going premium?” Haven’t I earned that track? I think I have. Last season, you had tracks available as prizes along the journey to completing a season level. Why not this season? Someone actually wants one of your better songs. LET ME USE IT, ALREADY!

I am so furious at my lousy luck after three years, I am reluctant to even open any more “prize eggs” much less play any more games, at all. And, I’m sure some if not all of you would say, “Good! Get lost, you cheapskate!” Well, isn’t that just a fine kettle of fish. What did you expect? Every person who plays without paying to eventually give in and spend the bucks? Ya know, I bet I’d cave, spend the money and STILL get screwed with the lousy prizes and teams. I look at the “premium” list of items I am missing out on…and only 5 of the lot are remotely appealing. The rest are–ooooh! fifty colors of the same prize from several levels ago! Oh, I just have to have that prize in every color! NOT! I’m not going to put out my hard-earned cash just to get paired up with more wimps who cannot communicate or endure a loss and get creamed by more pros and sweet-shot weasels who sit at their goal just waiting for my team to make a mistake so they can race across the field and score the easiest of goals! I’m not going to pay to earn duplicate items only to feel worse than I do getting useless furniture in Animal Crossing. You can take your financial demands, turn them sideways, polish them and then shove them up your candy–

You want me to reconsider? Tell ya what. Just give me the Julie Buchanan soundtrack, all of her songs, so I can pick and use them in the game…or, maybe, just send me a CD I can play at home when I don’t need to be raising my BP to the limit in your game, late at night. Do that, and I’ll likely shrug off my complaints. Or, even better, throw a decent goal explosion my way. Give me that “overgrowth” with the birds flying out of the tree; any color but pink or green will do. Give me the dancing rabbit girl (without me spending 20 bucks to buy enough credits). Or, give me that checkered flag or mic drop. For crying out loud, how hard is it to earn a goal explosion?!

But, if you’re anything like the average player I encounter, you’ll probably be happier just to see me storm away and never play your game, again. Whatever. There aren’t enough foul words to satisfy the bile in my throat, the venom I want to spew at you before I drive my fist into your faces like your obnoxious Octane speeding into a goal explosion; you know, that thing you refuse to let me use.

Sincerely,

One furious customer who regrets ever getting sucked into your world, Junk Sleep

P. FRICKEN S. Is there a contact service line I could use to speak with some of your illustrious staff?  Email?  Phone line? [Cracks his knuckles in anticipation.]

27
Jul
21

Letters from the Tokyo Summer Olympics


*****
Letters from the Tokyo Summer Olympics

July 24, 2021

Dear Toyota,

     Oh! What a Microsoft feeling! After finding a bad mint someone dropped on my pillow, I followed the pictograms to the nearest Taco Bell, ate a whole square watermelon and swallowed a shoe seed! [I think the watermelon was full of Nike vodka…or a delta variant of Corona.] Crashing my talking car (with no clear name), I lost my mind in a haystack. I think I broke my internet. When I woke up, I was karaoke in paper birds and forty-seven wood chips. [Yes. I counted the latter and found plenty of prefectures.] On the Visa-Subway ride home, I ran into a slew of famous faces who told me it was impossible to imagine all of the people. Do you think that’s true? Well, I’m out of time. I cannot wait to see what happens next. I’ll see YOU, tomorrow. Bonsai!

                                                                                                              Sincerely,

                                                                                                                    Junk Sleep

P.S. You’ve gotta try the nacho fries. The giant alien monsters highly recommend them.

OL210D~1

06
Mar
20

Dear China, Don’t Punish the World

***

Hey, China, you’re making it harder for me to love you.

When I think of all the beautiful things to come from China (and Japan and a number of other Far-Eastern nations), I crumble; I melt.  I imagine going to China and exploding from the sight of too many beautiful women.  The mere thought of that experience is like catnip to me; I want to curl up in a ball and roll around on a plush rug.  I have been infatuated if not in love with the Far East since I was a teenager.

Then, not too long ago, Japan went and had a nuclear disaster which kinda spoiled my eagerness to travel there…just when I was considering making plans to take that big adventure.  I have heard about SARS for some years and found that both discouraging and disappointing.  And, how long ago was bird flu a thing?  I met some reaaaaally paranoid people about that one, who had a shelter, supplies and high-tech breathing masks ready.  Now….this…this new contagion that sounds like one dangerous alcoholic beverage, a cocktail of death.  And, it came from you, China?

I just have to ask…

Who hurt you?

I mean, I know the USA hasn’t been kind.  They’ve been demanding and making you do their homework for so long.  But, there has to be more.  Who else is to blame?

You’re hurt, and you’re taking the pain out on the rest of the world.  But, you’re hurting your own people, too.  You’re hurting the world.  And, as I said, it’s making loving you more difficult.

Don’t ruin my love for you, your people, mythology, astrology, landscape and culture.

Take back your biological weapon and show mercy to your enemies.  Work this out some other way.   It’s not too late.

Or, are we all doomed to be wiped off the planet?  Are you taking god-directed action to wipe out all mankind once and for all?  Are you Death?  Or, Fate?

Oh, China.  You just seem like a wounded cat right now.  And, it pains me to see you lash out this way.  I will not live in fear of your biological weapons.  But, if this continues, I will eventually have a broken heart that cannot be repaired.  And, that is the worst of it.  It would be the worst if I lost my love for you.

Sincerely,

Writingbolt

 

P.S.  If you are NOT to blame for the crisis that is still unfolding, if someone dropped this bomb on your territory, just point me in the direction of the culprit; and I will unleash my fury upon them.

15
May
19

There Is Only One Me, Too, Tay

*****

And, I am literally priceless.

I may find others who compete with your beauty and/or talent.  But, there is only one you.  And, there is only one exactly like me, even if I could be placed in some box with people exhibiting similar patterns, behaviors or whatever.  Whether I get to live a dream with you or not, I will go on, hopefully, happy to have this feeling about you in my heart.  If that good feeling sours and/or causes me pain, I will add it to the pile I must let go.  But, if the powers that be say it can be, we will have that moment, that life in the sun, together.

I have yet to adequately listen to your latest “hit,” but what I have heard is a good beat and decent harmony with the male singer.  I know this comes weeks, already, after all the buzz about the new release and all the “views.”  I will likely say more once I do give the song/album more time.

For whatever reason, it sounded like a message to me.  And, I took it that way.  It compelled me to write this, just a quick note for the lovely Taylor Alison Swift if she…you ever sees any of these.




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