Posts Tagged ‘marriage

17
Apr
25

Beware the Game Show Network…Fools

By writingbolt Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

***

Beware the Game Show Network. It is full of fools.

***

Hi. I’m one member of a friend threesome. We have been good friends for numerous years. We have traveled the world and have many favorites we share. You would think our life is bliss. [You might also suspect we are sleeping together…like one brainy threesome with no standard other than similar levels of intelligence.] But, we cannot resist being part of a game show that is sure to make us look stupid. Even if we fail to win anything, we go home just as perfect as we were before we arrived on TV. Enjoy watching us waste your time and remember how perfect our life is while your life is not.

***

Listen. I, too, am part of a trio of friends who has to give ourselves a witty group name before competing against another team in one of the many, many trivia game shows that, if watched together, will likely drive your already mashed potato brain completely mad. We each have a lame story to justify our life’s purpose and intelligence. The least attractive of my group stands at the far end, with her back turned to the cameras, ensuring she will get the least TV exposure.

Anyone at home could tell this was done on purpose. But, we just went along with it because we all wanted to prove we were smart. Everyone watching game shows wants to prove they are just as smart. You sit at home, seeing what people are doing to win prize money, and you say, “I can do that!” Right?

We play a game similar to Password, trying to get our teammates to guess words given to us on a screen. We are failing miserably, but the youthful host is determined to make us feel good about ourselves. The show ends somewhat abruptly, and we go home feeling dumber and physically exhausted, which seem strange for a show that’s supposed to be a verbal and mental challenge.

***

I buckle under pressure, too; which is why it seems stupid for me to be part of a game show that intentionally seeks to peg someone as stupid by giving them very little time to solve wacky puzzles on a touch screen. Many of the puzzles are actually rather witty, themselves. So, it’s not all bad being a genuine fool. I think the audience, at home, gets something out of watching.

***

I hosted said game show with visual puzzles that make you think outside the box to avoid me calling you stupid. I exposed my relationship status many times and often flirted with the female guests, even the lesbian ones. Obviously, that did not change my relationship status, because I came back, day after day, with the same story.

I am not a fool because I call myself a FOL. See? I took out one letter to change the spelling of the word. That takes intelligence…I think. Stop staring at my unusually large hands and odd outfit combinations.

[Actually, I think the host was/is rather amusing. And, most of the puzzles are amusing and/or decent tests of observation…not all of the tests, though. So, ‘no offense intended. But, you do place yourself among many other fools. And, damn, those two lesbians were very attractive.]

***

I was on a trivia game show that put three supposedly average people up against three “celebrities,” noted for their televised prowess on other trivia-related game shows. I helped viewers at home sit through an hour of failure laced with little supposed factoids supplied by the know-it-alls. In the final round, when it was just me versus the “expert” with the highest individual score from their group, I missed more than one question and didn’t go home with much.

Later, at home, I watched some other episodes and noticed a pattern. I think the “experts” knew which of them was going to be in the final round and answered accordingly. And, in the final round, I think the final know-it-all also intentionally answered in a way that gave me minimal hope of surviving until the final question, when they politely kicked me out the exit door.

***

I strongly disagree with the above testimony. I was on the same trivia game show and not only defeated the three experts but came back two more times and achieved the same feat to become one of the experts. Earning the right to appear on other trivia-related game shows, I now can speak freely about whatever someone else fails to know as true and annoy countless TV viewers with my big brain and not-so-big mouth. I enjoy dry cereal made of dictionaries and the New York Times. I literally eat books and newspapers. But, I can’t seem to make as much money as the other brainiacs who seem to always be on TV. I guess emulating or trying to compete with someone already deemed famously smart isn’t very smart.

***

I was on a similar trivia game show, with one expert at the top of some flashy mountain just to boost his ego. I was among three people who were all convinced we were very smart by people we know. I guess I let my support system influence me too much; I turned out to be a big dummy, utterly squashed by the big mouth in charge. The lovely hostess tried to make light of the situation but failed. I know now not to be so trusting of others’ opinions about myself, which will probably erode my self-esteem as I get older and dumber.

***

I am the (gorgeous) host of the forementioned trivia game show…well, actually, I hosted a few, and they featured some of the same know-it-alls. On one of my shows, which went on to appear on another channel and feature a variety of experts at the top of the mountain, put on rotation, I was forced to repeatedly address the know-it-all by his nickname. [I don’t host that other version.] I said his nickname so many times; I think my powerful jaws became stuck in perpetual motion. I go home, many nights, just repeating that name to no one. Sometimes, it just pops up in conversation.

It’s a beastly bad habit. I know. But, hey, I’m keeping busier and looking better than I probably did on that old joke about being a lifeguard. And, I didn’t have to radically change my appearance to put that behind me, like some Aquaman I know.

When I’m not bowing down to a British giant, I like to deliver questions to contestants at such an alarming rate, I fear, one day, my head will just fly off into the studio audience anyone rarely sees…because there are not many big winners on the shows I host. It’s a good thing I like to eat and never gain a pound.

[And, I don’t mind that last bit, either. That is one dreamy game-show hostess.]

***

Hey. I was on a dating game show that didn’t last long, probably because it smelled too much like the host’s other famous show, which ran too long for the sleazy crap it was, as did its cheap spin-off. As a contestant, I was required to describe three faults or quirks I have, in a few words, and put each answer in a silly piece of silvery luggage.

The lone woman, who had to pick one of us three guys for a date, not a commitment, just a date (planned by the makers of the show), did not like at least one of my “secrets.” Like many other people in my shoes, I told her I would burn my past and change my ways for her. [You might say it was a bold-faced lie to get the girl.] She seemed remotely pleased by that offer. [I’ll take that as a maybe.]

Unfortunately, my choice of words was more scandalous than accurate. I went home looking and feeling worse than when I arrived. Now, I’m marked for life as the loser I was on TV (thanks to reruns used as filler on a faulty broadcast TV system).

***

Yo. I was on that same dating show, but I was the star who had to put one answer in a single red piece of luggage. I had less chance of being rejected than the other three players in the room. I had a choice of three fine women. Being a rather superficial, immature (though mature in physique, which I pumped and sprayed at the gym) and selfish guy, I quickly eliminated the one gal who was the most nerdy because she freaked me out. Some other artsy loser can pick her up outside the studio; I’m sure. So, that left me with a nutcase and a hooker. I chose the hooker. But, when she saw my “big secret,” she rejected me. I think she misunderstood what I said. ‘Live and learn I guess.

***

Hi. I was a woman on that same dating show and in the previous speaker’s position, with the choice of three possible dates. I quickly rejected the one guy who still valued his mother and lived with his parents, because that’s the standard with this gig. I mean, who accepts an adult man who lives with his parents?

This left me with a scrawny nerd in debt and a hunk who barely fit in a suit. I couldn’t pick the nerd because that would just give other nerds false hope of landing someone as hot as me. And, I cannot process being with someone who houses a huge toy collection, even if it includes sex toys.

I chose the hunk, who, thankfully, did not mind me being a stripper, though I did not use that particular word to describe myself. We went on the show’s pre-packaged date and had lousy sex before looking for other cheap and lousy game shows to expose ourselves and build a crappy TV resume. If you see me, again, anywhere, I’ve surely had my brain removed and am now just a cyborg.

***

I also was a gorgeous woman who had to pick one of three guys on that same quasi-dating game show. However, I ultimately picked the most ethnic, immature and dorky of the guys, who had to accept that I was both a lawyer and a stripper, exclusively for some wealthy guys linked to the game show, itself, which I could not admit on TV (even though the host giving me a peck on the cheek might have given a clue). I gave false hope to other fools like my date to boost the show’s audience and round up other fools.

The date was just a formality to make the show appear like a success. I ditched the dork with a clause in my contract and never saw him, again. Actually, we did cross paths, but a restraining order set him straight…or gay. I can’t remember, anymore. I handle a lot of men. Ha.

***

Hey, folks. I was the host of that dating show, when Match.com was still hip and televised. It wasn’t just a dating show; it also advertised a talent-seeking agency for which any of the contestants could apply to do something other than humiliate themselves in a strangely limited social environment. [So, it’s possible some if not all contestants were staged and grouped for a preset result.]

I am a very witty guy with dentures, who can make countless jokes about himself and speak rather intelligently when pressed. But, instead of hosting something that puts my assets to good use, I am pegged as a “shock jock,” bent to getting scandalous noises out of the audience.

Unlike the other fools who appear on shows like mine, I had plenty of time to entertain viewers. Unfortunately, the nature of the shows I host eventually lose their charm almost as fast as viewers lose brain cells. But, when one show bombs, another is sure to rise from its ashes. So, don’t worry about me. I’ll keep cracking wise until my head falls to the floor.

***

Hey, America (and whoever else may be reading this remote blog). I hosted a game show that was supposed to be hip, trendy and modern…because it involved something I know we all love to use…EMOJIS! Yes, and it required contestants to see things in emoji codes which few if any people actually could do, because the selection of emojis and time on the clock were rather limited. Try playing Charades with only fifteen possible hand gestures. How DO you get someone to guess “Raiders of the Lost Ark” by using a hand, a box, a pirate and a puzzled face? I have no idea. But, I’m glad I was making money while the contestants went home with corporate swag and subscriptions to things no one needs.

***

I was a contestant on the forementioned emoji-laden game show. I was at a mall (in some part of Southern California) when I saw someone offering applications. A friend of mine, who likes to text with me, thought we would be good contestants, and, buckling under a fair amount of peer pressure, I agreed. I thought a show about texting was far easier than one that required you to use knowledge I failed to grasp in school; and I don’t read much, anyway.

On the show, I got nothing right and ultimately decided to never use emojis in my daily life; nor will I ever likely play a similar game, like Charades. When that emoji movie came out, I freaked and cut off all of my hair. If anyone tries to use emojis with me, I will probably break my own phone in a fit of uncontrollable rage. I shouldn’t even use the damn word…emoji! Ugh!

***

It’s been over twenty years since I hosted my game show, with a very sexy blonde assistant who had a strange name and little to say…because I swallowed up eighty percent of the air time with my non-stop rambling. Together, with a third person whose job was to put contestant pairs to sleep by whispering random factoids, we tested the physical and mental limits of red-eyed fools and offered little reward to compensate for the madness and therapy that would likely follow. The show was a play on what many students go through to pass the big tests they take in school.

So, you see; I’m no fool, even if my hairdo looked dated…like really far out, if you dig what I’m saying. I made money for my effort and didn’t lose any sleep. I just ran a sweat shop that bent others like slaves for my own amusement. I also had one of the most attractive assistants who just wasn’t getting enough better roles, anywhere. Those are the perks of being in charge of my destiny and not the pawn.

***

I was part of a reboot for newly married couples, hosted by some woman who I did not recognize because I don’t watch many movies or TV shows and don’t listen to music made before 2001. My new husband and I had a not-so-crazy story to tell about how we met, which gave viewers the impression we were close. But, as it turned out, we knew very little about each other and were terrible at reading minds. Instead, we just answered like the other couples, which didn’t do us any favors. Many of the questions were innuendoes, which I did not understand. [Why is this show so lewd?] I didn’t know there would be a kiss camera, either. In the end, we went home with a certificate for the loser-steak-of-the-month club and plenty to discuss in couple’s therapy. I’d say the experience was a waste of time, but, of course, my soon-to-be ex-husband disagrees.

***

I was also on that game show for newly married couples, and my lovely wife and I actually won! We were VERY in tune with each other and matched on nearly every question. We took the big prize trip to Antigua and met several other game-show winners. It seems Antigua is the pit where seventy-five percent of game show winners go to die like lemmings. I thought it was supposed to be a tropical paradise. There were so many people trying to sell me something. I came home covered in business cards and coupons I’ll likely never use.

20
Dec
24

Goodbye, Tay Swift

By writingbolt Leave a Comment
Categories: Concerns and Alerts and Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

***

If you’ll hear me out, I need to Speak Now. I’ve been a Tay Swift fan since 2009. I’ve been amassing fan art of my own creation since then, as well. For a number of years, weeks before every December, I’ve made a special effort to make something for her birthday.

I’m not a typical fan, though. And, after recent relationship news, I’m rather certain my years of being inspired by Tay are over. I just can’t go on with this. She’s made her choice. She got the guy she wanted in that song about her being on the bleachers. She wanted the letterman jacket and the jock boyfriend she didn’t get in school. There he is. And, I’m not okay with it. I endured so many of her relationships. I held onto a foolish hope…a dream. Now, I’m putting it to bed.

Good luck, Tay. And, quite possibly, goodbye. You’re officially a monster in my closet, now.

I’m no longer a Swifty.

So, go ahead and put out thirty more albums before you’re actually at an age when you can talk about eras. Keep using those coded messages with your birthdate and other things; I’m not looking. I’m not chasing any other songs. When you’re on the radio, I’m tuning you out. I’ll leave the building if I have to just to keep calm. I’m not writing more poetry. I’m not going to sneak you into anymore of my stories. I’m not painting more posters. You’ve seen the last birthday present from me. [Actually, you’ve probably seen none of my presents because this place is dead, like MySpace.]

If I can’t be your Capital One, if you can’t give me credit for being someone who thought he was a really good match, I’m a lower-case zero.

But, it’s going to take some time to Shake It Off, this Love Story. I’m turning my Back to December and leaving a Blank Space for some miracle to fill. The only Bad Blood will be between me and those who ridicule me for caring, including my own family. Apparently, my feelings have been Out of Style for some time, and I Need to Calm Down.

Now, if all one of my readers will excuse me, I have to go deal with fifteen years of artwork in storage. I’m just glad I didn’t spring for the Eras Tour package. And, I don’t have to see the Cats movie, anymore. I guess I have to stop enjoying the Lorax animated movie. And, sorry, Chiefs, I can’t be your fan, either. You did this. Have an unhappy Valentine’s Day, courtesy of me. I think I’ll go find John Mayer and Tom Hiddleston…’sympathize with my former enemies…’take up drinking until I can’t see straight.

Sincerely, Writingbolt, a broken heart.

07
Dec
24

What Is Ahead of Gray Divorce?

By writingbolt Leave a Comment
Categories: Concerns and Alerts and Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

****

I’ve only recently heard the term.

GRAY DIVORCE

It refers to people ending their marriages typically after reaching retirement age and/or after your “nest” becomes empty (when all of your children have homes of their own). And, apparently, it’s a growing trend? This is the next wave in human sexuality, following the birth-control, or casual-sex-is-exercise, generation and the oops-we-fooled-around-now-I’m-stuck-with-a-kid-let’s-get-married-so-we-don’t-burn-at-the-stake generation.

I heard someone say gray divorce is for people who “find they no longer have much in common.” Excuse me? Isn’t that what so SO many couples boast when they marry (if they don’t rush into marriage within a year or two)? “I married my best friend.” “We have so much in common. It was inevitable we’d get married.” If you have used either of those quotes, you deserve to get your butt kicked. Gray divorce makes those lines almost worthless. I’m…discouraged. Common interests are no longer enough to secure happiness? What else is there? An endless longing for what cannot be fully perceived? A void that cannot be filled?

A world without love stories? Is that what’s ahead? It’s so terrifying and sickening… Just imagine people losing interest in romantic films, including romantic comedies. Or, maybe, all romantic stories will become comedies because lasting love has become a bad joke. Is marriage really no longer the apex of life and love?

It’s shocking to hear which celebrities have already faced this, knowing (from TV sources) these were people who had claimed to be so content and happy with their spouses. In some cases, I’ve remotely envied them and wanted to be their devoted partner. But, in general, I’ve looked to these people as examples of what is right and what can last. They made it work. How did they do it? I can find lasting happiness, too. But, if they get divorced…what does that say about this old chestnut about lasting happiness called marriage?

[Well, at least, I have a shot at Meryl Streep, now. Ha. I may have a “bucket list” of older women I’d like to date. I’d mention names, but I don’t want to cause any premature gray divorces. Ha, again. I’d say “marry,” but, I guess, that’s no longer valued or necessary.]

If marriage is no longer a sensible pursuit, what is left?

I’m sure many would respond with something similar to the opinion of a tattoo. People rush to get tattoos; they don’t wait a few years or a decade to get one unless they are just “getting by” on a thin budget. So, you get divorced because you feel you and your chosen spouse no longer have “the spark.” You hear what others (who have been “gray divorced”) are saying, and decide you feel the same way; so let’s do this. Shortly after getting it done (like knotting the tubes), you think you just opened the doors to a dating (and sexual) grocery store. You are free to explore, again.

That’s all fine and good for those who always were rather adventurous and careless (versus careful). Good luck with that. And, be sure to let us know if STDs and unplanned pregnancies are no longer an issue with your wrinkled sexual exploration. [Don’t even get me started on abortion law or how it impacts anyone’s moral/religious code.]

Yet, no matter who you are, life isn’t quite the same when you’re older. Just as you are not likely as fit and/or quick as you were when you first got married, you’re not likely to be as adept at finding someone new (if you try). The dating pool seems bigger, but is it really? And, how do you even choose to do something with someone if common interests no longer guarantee something that will last? [Or, do you join a club and hang out with fellow “classmates” until the final session ends and then move on to something (and someone) else?]

If you choose to remain single after “gray divorce,” are you REALLY single for the rest of your life? Or, are you dipping your toes in sexual pools wherever and whenever you can?

Now, here comes a traffic sign I presume few are expecting. [EEERRROOP! Hit those brakes.]

INFIDELITY ALERT!

If you take away enough wedding rings and set these caged animals free, you suddenly change the (food) chain/pyramid, particularly for safe and secure marriages. And, if you know people are considering divorce at any age, you’re more inclined to pursue someone who’s currently married (like a salivating hyena that just found some new prey to hunt in his forest).

There’s a little line that goes something like this…

IS THE PERSON I’M ATTRACTED TO LEGALLY ABLE TO PAIR UP WITH ME?

We’re going beyond the concept of “cougars” by introducing some of those “dinosaurs” we didn’t consider a concern until now. With marriage no longer a mountain to bypass or avoid when you’re “single and looking,” you might pressure someone to get (gray) divorced, claiming the separation is only inevitable (as the marriage may have been, once). How sick is that?

“Hey, babe. I know you’re bound to get gray-divorced sooner or later. So, let’s cut to the sooner and have you get together with me.”

You may laugh at the thought of some gray-haired individual flirting with you or your chosen partner, but it could happen. Some people actually like older folks in a special way.

[I’m not particularly focused on any age, but some women DO age gracefully and can be admired with their weathered features. You do not need to Botox or color yourself until you look like a toy. If I wasn’t entirely happy with my marriage when Meryl Streep (or one of the other names I refrain from mentioning) decided to flirt with me, I might be tempted to indulge in some infidelity. If she approached me while I’m single, I wouldn’t hesitate. ‘Just saying. If she’s not your type or someone you’d consider “hot,” just understand that not every attraction comes from being exceptionally physically attractive. Meryl has a “swag” that cannot be contained; she exudes charm, and that’s why so many of her roles are enjoyable.]

And, here’s another little likely unexpected speed bump. What if some elder person flirted with you (or your partner) and was rejected so painfully that they had a heart attack? Can you imagine?

[Coming up on tonight’s breaking news, a local man breaks Meryl Streep’s heart for the last time. Witnesses say she collapsed on a bed of magnolia petals shortly after her latest fling broke up with her. Police on the scene did nothing because rejection and separation are not considered murder.]

It’s one thing to face heartache in your youth. But, how well can a motivated retiree take it? Again, like doing certain physical activities, if you’re not in that kind of shape, it may not be smart to get too excited about any intimate prospect. [Or, is the opposite true? Could being aroused by the sight of a potential mate make you feel…younger?…safely?]

Could that be the future of gray divorce? Could people settle for simply enjoying arousal when and where they find it, rather than pursuing another course of what went wrong? Could people find contentment without a relationship (or flirting with sexual hazards)? Or, in some crazy science-fiction-al way, could humans evolve in some way that allows them to forego marriage for a more casual sexual experience without hazard and commitment? Could humans somehow break the cycle of STDs and choose to get pregnant?…’sounds like playing god if you ask me.

What are your thoughts on this matter?

Be sure to hit the LIKE button and subscribe to my post if you are still physically able to do so, at your age. ‘Just kidding.

17
Jan
23

Response to She’s Cut Off From Grandkids, Too… (Ask Carolyn)

By writingbolt Leave a Comment
Categories: Responses to Ask Carolyn Advice Columns
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

***

Ask Carolyn (Hax) column originally titled “She’s cut off from grandkids, too, not just ‘angry’ grandpa.”

This letter/case addresses an aging mother/grandmother who is being denied time with her son’s children because the son refuses to visit and even speak with her. But, the enclosed blame for the lack of communication is placed upon the son’s father who is described as being a toxic, angry parent. The mother/grandmother feels she has been only kind, caring and supportive and thus has no reason to be denied time with the grandkids; she believes her relationship with the son was a good one…until he stopped communicating with her (and his father). The mother/grandmother tries to bridge the gap by sending gifts to the grandkids…and there is no mention of how those gifts are used/received.

Carolyn (Hax) does a decent job of bringing my attention to one possibility I did not consider, while reading the letter…and also possibly making the mother/grandmother feel exceedingly guilty/self-conscious in an already tender, tragic situation. The psychology here may be more fragile than it appears in text. And, I wouldn’t want the already troubled mother/grandmother to do anything further to ruin her health or end her life as a result of “tough love” from a columnist. But, as Carolyn seems to suggest or hint at, the psychology might also be something in the head of the mother/grandmother who is in denial of her part in the parenting mishap. [I could say the same of my parents. One (if not both) is definitely living in denial.]

—————-

Very Sad Grandma, I hope you are NOT my mother and thus someone who refuses to take any blame for how she performed (and continues to perform) as a parent…even though she might be right when she says she did the best she could…even if that means she just wasn’t ready/fit to parent. I hope you are just as much aware of your own potential missteps as you are able to point fingers at your son’s father, the other half of the parent equation. I hate to admit I am skeptical…because you did not make any mention of what even MIGHT be your fault…because you claim your relationship with this son was good. Either way, we, the readers, have little to no evidence, just your word.

[Acknowledge that it takes two to have a child and be parents (plural); admit that much. I am not saying single parents cannot adequately parent, in some (not all) cases. But, certainly, two happy, healthy mentors can do better than one struggling to make ends meet, so to speak (just like two kidneys over depending upon one).]

But, I also hope you are not the self-sacrificing, martyr type who will blame herself for more than she is guilty just to open a closed door and then repeat the problem that closed it. And, I hope you are not the sort who perpetually blames herself until she is a mindless corpse (because no amount of confessing seems enough to improve the situation). I hope you are not a “doormat.”

I will acknowledge, as any of these advice columnists must feel like saying though it is rarely if ever addressed, sorting out such a touchy subject outside of a therapy setting, where you can hear from all sides, provided all sides are present and permitted to speak freely in an orderly fashion…if that ever happens in our modern world, anymore…sorting out your big crisis through a newspaper column doesn’t seem very effective, productive and/or sensible. You write out your thoughts as they come to you, emotionally, in the moment. If you’re lucky, you review what you wrote before turning it in to the columnist. The columnist reads what you wrote and has to wrap their assessment into a set space.

…The whole thing just feels like a futile and tensely packed situation with no clear resolution.

[I would also like to address how writing an emotional plea to anyone, for advice or just to be heard, is a confusing effort when you include more than one person of a particular gender in a single sentence. This letter becomes a bit confusing at points, mixing the father of the son with the father of kids of his own. See what I mean? We need to break these sentences down to be extra clear; discuss one person at a time and watch those gender-specific words.]

Regardless, I have a few thoughts/ideas of my own I’d like to offer, if you are receptive.

There is one path Carolyn does not even bother to consider…because she is focused on the possibility that your relationship with the son’s father might be…er, dead. You might be divorced. You might be separated. You might no longer get along with the son’s father and feel you have separate rights to be with your kids and their kids. The path I am referring to involves you setting a “date” with your son to meet and be with the grandkids AWAY FROM THE FATHER.

Is that not possible? Couldn’t you contact the son and suggest a time and place you could meet which would not include “angry dad” and thus spare the son the agitation of being around the worst parent one more minute?

If the answer is no, if the son gives absolutely no response to any communication you send…how do you know your “gifts” are even received and/or put to good use? How do you know they are not tossed in the trash?

If you cannot make ANY contact with your troubled son, in which he responds with some form of opinion/thought, you really don’t have much you can do except go on with your life…YOUR life. [And, that doesn’t have to include your “angry” partner…at least, not all of the time.]

Yes, it would be lovely if every branch of every family could cohabitate and share life’s joys….but that seems like a hoop dream, lately. It’s romantic TV fantasy; it’s a family show from the 1950s, promoting good values where there are none. It’s propaganda to sell you dish soap and cigarettes for when the kids are asleep. Maybe real family life isn’t so rosy. Ya know?

But, if you can, try the secluded meeting option. Try setting up a meeting with your son and the grandkids in which “angry dad” does not attend. Then and only then might you be able to resolve what is surely keeping you distressed day-to-day (because you cannot let this go).

IF you can make contact with your agitated son…and IF he (still) refuses to meet with you apart from the father he (supposedly) detests, you’ll have your answer, as tragic as it may be. You are partially to blame for the son’s anger. Either you report back to his father in a way that makes you an associate to the problem, a subordinate contributor…or you are equally “bad” and just don’t see/admit it. Either way, you’ll know. Then it’s up to you, sigh, to accept the fallout and move on with YOUR life.

[On a recovery-from-fallout-with-my-son note, consider giving your motherly time and attention to kids who are not your own…not collecting lifeless dolls the way my mother’s family seems to do, voiceless, infantile representations of what they initially desired and not at all what happens when those cute little dolls mature. Consider being a mentor and, potentially, a gift giver to kids who lack guidance and emotional support. You won’t be able to take them into your own home (unless you legally adopt). You cannot call them your own, say or do anything that might violate some legal/family boundaries. But, you’ll be able to put that energy you currently cannot give out to good use, I’d hope.]

Carolyn isn’t wrong in suggesting sending a “genuine apology” *without any mention of you wanting time with the kids.* That IS the key/trigger, here. You cannot confess feelings of any kid to the son AND say you want to see the kids. That’s like attaching TNT to a care package…or giving a present with a tag that says “NOW, WHERE’S MY PRESENT?” You don’t want to harm your son, but you might be by mixing your wants for one thing with another…and by ignoring the bomb wires attached to your own hand in the parent trap. Cut the wrong wire, and you blow up your contact opportunity. It’s not pleasant to hear…but may be the truth.

So, to mend fences, or, at least, re-establish communication (if, currently, there is none) yes, try to apologize without a “gimme” clause. But, if you genuinely believe you are not to blame, at all, I don’t think an apology makes any sense. If you are guilty of something and take no blame upon yourself, you’re lying through your smile. If you blame yourself for something you didn’t do, putting yourself on the sacrificial table like a martyr, you’re adding unncessary emotion to the situation and could arrive at the same conclusion, a son who thinks his mother doesn’t know what she is saying and thus isn’t understanding the situation.

But, at the very least, if you cannot hear back from that son yet CAN admit some responsibility, yes, send a letter of apology…and then…pardon my language…SHUT UP. Stop beating on the door that won’t open (and let that door open, again, when/if it chooses to do so). Let that son reach out to you, if he still can. Communication is a two-way street. And, no one person, not even a guilt-free parent, can pave a smooth street, alone. All of your “force” isn’t repairing this road. So, accept what you did, try all that you can and then let the matter go…or sink with the ship.

[And, pardon me for mixing road metaphors with aquatic ones.]

Understand…this may be a wound that needs more time to mend before that part of the social body that is your family can continue to function. Like a gash on one of your limbs or a broken bone, we cannot rush recovery time, even if your insurance won’t cover more rehab. The body heals as it can, as it will. So do relationships, sometimes. Sometimes, effort is needed to accelerate and make productive change/improvement. Sometimes, nature just needs to take its course at its own pace. This may be an instance of the latter. Picking at the “scab” could just make matters worse.

[Don’t be the kid who won’t shut up in the backseat of the car, repeatedly asking, “Are we there, yet? Are we there, yet?” Kapeesh?]

11
Nov
22

Response to That hopeless feeling…; Ask Carolyn (Hax)

By writingbolt Leave a Comment
Categories: Responses to Ask Carolyn Advice Columns
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

***

Ask Carolyn (Hax) column originally titled “That hopeless feeling is the depression talking.”

Depressed is someone (not sure if they are a man or woman and don’t want to presume too much) married to a woman who they fear will throw a fit if D. confesses to being overwhelmed and depressed, as the spouse previously did (presumably from what D. says). This isn’t the first big bout with depression (and anxiety, I’d wager).

Carolyn covers most of the bases and provides an outlet for seeking therapy. And, for once, I am not totally opposed to the suggestion(s).

However, one little bell keeps ringing in my head, a familiar sound that I think I’ve heard in my own life.

There’s a second letter regarding a Show Stopper, who has earned a lucrative job upgrade and is at odds with less wealthy friends who miss their nose-bleed-seats companion at various events/shows. I don’t have much to say about that, but I’ll address it, briefly, in the end.

———–

Depressed, your wife is an emotional loudmouth. Am I right? When she reacts, she gets LOUD and rubs your delicate nerves the wrong way. But, instead of being confrontational, as some would do, you withdraw and whimper. I know that sounds bad…but just be honest with yourself. You cower and withdraw rather than bark back and defend yourself. You don’t want an argument/fight. If your wife “worries,” she is going to make you feel worse when she starts stuffing her face and making a bigger, scarier picture out of everything you wish wasn’t so troubling. She sounds an alarm when anything “bad” happens. She’s like salt in a wound when you “worry” her, not a bandage or cooling solution. Right?

It’s possible you’re being overly sensitive and doing what Carolyn says, letting the depression speak for you. [That was a pretty darn good metaphor she gave about the depression being like an organism or entity possessing you, directing you. Ooh, that felt good to read (for this metaphor guy).]

[I just saw a case of a “hoarder” on a reality-TV show in which his wife hasn’t been in the space occupied by his cluttered collections in 14 years! She has left him to his habit and avoided part of their home for more than a decade. Talk about not touching a tender matter with a ten-foot pole. Now, there’s a couple avoiding a time bomb. I guarantee one or both of them is afraid to talk and overwhelmed by something. The reality-TV show don’t care much about the reality…just making money on TV spectacles.]

However, IF it’s not JUST the depression talking…if your wife is of the “tough-love” and “independent” mentality that wants each of you to pull your own weight…if she doesn’t feel any need or desire to be the nurse in your times of need…what kind of a partner is she? [I mean…we just determined if she was one or the other. I’m just spitting out words as I breathe to relief my own internal stress.] And, did you know all of this when you married her?

You’d like her to be more gentle and comforting. Am I right? But, she’s not like that…for whatever reason. [I could be here all day analyzing the possibilities.] And, she wants you to “man up.” Right? But, you currently cannot “man up” because you’re stuck in quicksand, sinking into despair. You want her to throw you a vine and help you get out…but she’s the sort who is inclined to say, “You got yourself into that mess; you gotta get yourself out!” She’s willing to go “halfsies” with you, but, right now, you’re not even close to half. And, you cannot entirely blame yourself, unless depression and anxiety are crimes of neglect on the part of the possessed party.

You’re in a tough knot, D. I’ve felt like you when dealing with my own “friends” and family. I’ve been down your dark, troubling road so long, I still feel like I’m stuck in the mud and flailing to stay afloat. No one is really free or willing to come to my aid. I have to get myself out of my messes. And, while I cower and fail to do that, my body and health in general is suffering.

When you say she will be upset because you don’t tell her sooner…exactly how SOON are you supposed to inform her of your condition? The first moment you feel glum? Are you two not openly communicating about your daily feelings/state of mind? Is that so strange or wrong? Well…not strange, because plenty of couples seem to be failing at communication. And, that…is definitely wrong. It’s not good. But, it’s sadly common.

If you are not quick enough to convey your distress, that is a “step” you COULD work on…like right now. Face that fire she throws at you, one more time. Why not? You’ve been through this before, right? So, “man up” and take one more hit from the fire dragon you married. Then, once you get past that battle (and, surely, you can survive the fight), be quicker on the trigger the next time you feel crappy or troubled. If you’ve never done it before, try telling her the first day you feel uneasy about something. Say, “Honey? I’m not feeling so good about ___.” And, if you want to talk about your feelings (you should), invite her to talk somewhere comfortable.

But, you’re right. If you go find a therapist without talking to the wife, first, she is bound to throw a fit, again. You’re in that position where getting care is just as troubling as sitting with the problem, not because care is necessarily too hard to find (and we haven’t even touched on your financial/insurance status, which is sure to play a part in this situation), but because the people you have to live with are like pets that don’t want to go to the vet. She will kick up a fuss, tear the house apart and rattle your bones as if you can do nothing right and she cannot stand the fact you’re less than half the person she married, right now.

But…you have to tell her SOMETHING…eventually. So, if you DO seek therapy, tell her that’s what you feel you need to do, and have a little courage in yourself to admit that. You’re not her child. You’re an adult, her partner, her equal (even if you’re not feeling or acting the part, right now). If she cannot respect you for admitting a course of action, even if you could have had a better track time (as if you were a runner in the Olympics trying to shave tenths of seconds off your record time), then assess the relationship. Right now.

I suggest group therapy over single-person because then you don’t have to feel alone with your concerns and just might find someone else going through the same despair, who can then compare notes with you to reach a solution you both can appreciate. Also, group therapy might be more convenient if one-on-one therapists are “booked up.” I suspect the more clients a therapist can see, the better; so why wouldn’t a group dynamic be more convenient/available than one-on-one, in which the therapist has to schedule individual hours for a dozen? clients.

If you can stomach it, bring the wife along and see what the others, including the therapist, think of your situation with her. You might want an outside perspective on the relationship…even though, truly, you two should be working all of this out on your own. If you two were a well-oiled unit, situations like this wouldn’t break the bank or rock the boat; you’d face them together and get through this. So, what is preventing that teamwork?

Food for thought. Don’t let my words add to your troubles. Hopefully they help, somehow.

——–

Now, as to the second letter of this column….

I’ve written my thoughts, twice, and they already feel too long/wordy.

Carolyn pretty much said all of it, in as many words.

Show Stopper, if you value those friends, you’ll compromise and take turns with “posh” and “poverty,” if they are so poor. Isn’t that obvious? What other solution did you expect? Someone telling you to dump those friends or expect them to come up to your level all of the time?

If the “cushy” job costs you your friends, which is worth more? Which is easier to replace?

Yet, if those friends are truly “offended” or otherwise so strongly bothered by you offering to upgrade their accommodations, once in a while, how are they ever going to be comfortable with you, ever again, if you remain at this new financial status? You could take a “lower seat” with them and be unable to control yourself when you say something “posh.” That might bother them, too. What then?

[I know myself; I am not comfortable when someone wealthier than me says or does something that makes me feel poor. Nor do I want to feel pressured to “tip generously” or otherwise spend more just to come up to another person’s level. It might not even be a financial risk, but I feel endangered by spending more than what feels comfortable and/or fair.

And, once it happens, the rest of that time together is a wash. It’s no good. I want out and to get back to my comfort zone…and probably never speak with that person, again. I don’t want to feel like a miser/penny-pincher or penniless bum, especially in public, where the slightest glance or raised voice can paint me a spectacle.

Yet, if I go into a meeting, knowing the person is wealthier and choosing to be with that person, I must accept that, once in a while, the difference will arise, somehow. I have to make myself comfortable with that…or choose not to be with that person in that particular situation (not always, because there may be more private instances in which we can cohabitate and be near-perfectly comfortable, together).]

One might also ask…has the new job had any impact upon the person you are and/or have become? Are you different, now, when among those friends?

If you are comfortable where you currently are at and cannot get any “lower” because it would mean breaking off your angel wings, then, by all means, wish those mortal friends well and find solace in your new heaven with fellow angels. You’ve…er, evolved. And, surely, you can find fellow evolved individuals to call friends? [There’s always the chance one or more of your “lower” friends could find a financial lift, too, and rejoin you.]

If, down the road, you find yourself looking back, wondering what happened to that lot, well, then you have a tough choice, a sacrifice, to make and a road of atonement to pave.

[Oh. Gee. I still feel wordy. But, I’m stopping here…now. Knowing me, I’ll come back and edit this a few times, anyway.]

14
Sep
22

Married Good Looking, When Physical Attraction Is the Only Tie That Binds

By writingbolt Leave a Comment
Categories: Confessions of the Rabbit Kind, Looking for Love and Happiness and Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

***

How many of you know someone who is in a difficult marriage? When I say “difficult marriage,” I mean one that seems to be falling apart on all sides except one, physical attraction. This couple can barely tolerate each other. And, one half of the couple, typically the more attractive half, is really annoying to the other.

I’m just curious what kind of pie chart we might draw from this. I’ve seen a few couples who fit this description, and the fact really drives me mad. Marrying someone essentially because they’re very attractive (and apparently naive enough to not be “out of your league”); how does anyone think this is a good idea? Good looks cannot spare you from stomach upsets and tooth-grinding frustration. Good looks might lead to hot sex, but sex wanes with age. And, aging takes its toll on the physique. It’s a foolish investment; a leaky ship. Once that hot sex leads to two kids and a mortgage, you’re in over your head. Abandon ship? Good luck with that.

So, come on; fess up. How many couples do you know who fit this description?

28
Mar
22

Response to Wife Says It’s Not Her Fault; Ask Carolyn (Hax)

By writingbolt Leave a Comment
Categories: Responses to Ask Carolyn Advice Columns
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

***

Ask Carolyn (Hax) column originally titled “Wife says it’s not her fault she hurts husband’s feelings.”

There are two letters to this particular column.  The first, signed by “A,” involves a marriage in which the husband feels sufficiently emotionally bruised and “shut down” by a seemingly unfeeling, “harsh communicator,” his wife.

Carolyn chooses to “explain” her opinions in a somewhat confusing way. She agrees with the wife while still trying to stand up for the husband without anything to support her claim. Her choice of words, at one or two points, could drastically alter what comes next in the tense relationship. Her final thought is to mention a relief/therapeutic phone service called RAINN, which I do not know (but will potentially investigate).

The second, from It’s Not You, It’s Me, entails a friendship that has soured as one friend changed into a person the other friend used to feel like and grew to dislike. Key note: The friend seeking advice has been through some measure of psychotherapy; so their views and choices might already have been colored/altered by that experience.

Carolyn presumes a bit about the letter’s author; which makes me wonder if she isn’t drifting off into thoughts of her own failing friendships. Yet, I will admit, the final thoughts are rough…bound to stir some conflicts…but fair. Essentially, the friends are advised to talk out their differences and accept the consequences, whether that means salvaging the friendship or permanently breaking the bond.

——————-

A. Ay oh. Oh, A. Is your wife what you’d describe as blunt? Is she a Sagittarius, by any chance? She can’t be a Gemini if she’s lacking a sense of humor or a flair for the dramatic. ‘Just curious. She sounds like a proud Amazon warrior who has little to no tolerance for weakness in battle; someone looking to challenge you in hopes of finding a man worthy of her mighty passion. [And, you seem like the unwilling hunter sent to slay a dragon, cowering in your boots as you limply hold your sword; no offense intended.]

Take Carolyn’s advice without the grain of salt and spare your blood pressure. Stop where she tells you to decide what is next for YOUR marriage. It’s not YOUR marriage to decide. Yes, as your wife so crudely puts it, you decide how to respond to everything she throws at you. You don’t have to express distress or sadness or resentment or any form of hurt feelings, even if that’s the strong impulse you feel. But, not expressing what we feel is a rather cold, calculating move; and what do we know about two wrongs? They don’t make it right. Right?

But, go back to that marriage bit. The marriage is a decision made by two people, her and you. You don’t decide what’s next for YOUR marriage. You decide what’s next for YOUR PART in that marriage; and she will decide what is next for her. Yet, just talking this way sounds like divorce is already on the table. Is it really that bad? Or, is this just surface tension that’s become a bad habit?

Carolyn also cannot validate you. At least, she cannot HAPPILY do it unless she is merely voicing the simplest of support for a remotely appealing underdog. I’ll admit I’ve likely done the same with female writers who light a tiny flame of interest in my heart with their words. Perhaps, you are remotely Carolyn’s type. But, from my perspective, her validation is an empty lawyer commercial; a forced smile and general offer.

Sure, we all need to validate ourselves. But, that validation often sparks conflict we don’t want or need. So, many of us are reluctant to “validate.” We don’t want to make waves; nor do we want to stand up on some soapbox, yelling about how our ideas should matter to someone without more concrete evidence to support our claims. And, when it’s just you versus your wife, and few know the whole story between you two, who can applaud or support your validation? No one.

Your validation falters because you know it could shatter the relationship, something you committed yourself to, something you helped establish. How many business partners would bring down their own HQ building when the partnership sours? How many more would let the building stand and look for some less public legal/financial settlement before slithering away to form other business relationships (and try to forget the past)?

I guess the only true value you can take from this effort to reach for advice is the importance of not letting anyone grind you into dust. You stand up to your wife, your chosen partner, and defend whatever you feel is vital to you as well as the relationship. And, hopefully, the relationship is a loving one. Because, if it’s strictly business, if you feel more like an employee being confronted by a hostile boss, then you are in the wrong marriage. It’s not even a marriage. It’s a harsh “prenup.”

Also, you could grease the wheels a bit by asking your wife how she feels, now and then. Get her to be a little vulnerable (with you). And, ideally, you comfort her in those emotional moments, reassure her with your support so these cold, stone-wall situations don’t even arise. If she refuses to be vulnerable with you–or if you cannot handle the role of emotional supporter–you two have more problems than those conveyed in the letter.

And, if she responds with something like, “This isn’t about my feelings,” consider finding a new wife. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who shuts down all emotional exchanges in favor of winning an argument. That sort of woman is too fierce and bent on claiming victory, determined to turn her partner into a lap dog and yes man.

——————-

It’s Not You? How do I address someone who isn’t the scribe but IS the scribe? I don’t know.

YOU! How about that?

Your time in therapy has altered you in some way. Your perspective has changed enough to let you see a friend as someone you no longer want to be. You’ve been given some sort of supernatural ability to slow time down and spin around your friend like a ghost, allowing you to see a sort of old, familiar toxin spewing from her mouth, like a former smoker watching someone suck on a cigarette and feeling the urge to vomit.

Your reluctance to speak up with this friend (and your need to consult an advice columnist after that extensive therapy you endured) suggests a weak spot in your therapy-honed defenses. You cast off your caterpillar ways to become a butterfly, but you’re still showing a soft, rubbery patch of skin somewhere which would fracture your whole being if you dared to face this situation face-to-face and be verbally honest. Thus, you’re not “cured” enough to ignore the old energy you once felt…still feel. It’s not like you’d ever go back to being…that way. Right? Yet, being around others who are…like that…still/now bothers you. [And, it certainly doesn’t help to encounter anyone who would dare tease you about your reluctance to do/experience/share something you no longer like/approve. Yet, I’ve been there too often; ‘done that. I’ve been pushed, prodded and heckled about things I refuse to relive and/or face again.] Therapy altered you, but it didn’t turn you into a Jedi master or the strongest Vulcan who can avoid all emotional conflicts.

Carolyn is right when she suggests dealing with the unpleasant matters in their moments, versus reducing all of your feelings to one general “I don’t like you, anymore.” That isolated statement is like hanging up the phone or ending email communication without further explanation. It’s like never hearing from someone, again, being left to wonder what went wrong. Except, you sort of said it; you said you don’t like her as she now exists. I suppose even the short, finalizing statement could serve its purpose with less emotional upheaval in person.

Thank you for your candor? It takes a truly solid, mature, enduring person to say something like that. I don’t know many who would confidently say they appreciate my candor. In small doses, some have expressed an appreciation for my honesty, when it serves a need that doesn’t touch an emotional nerve, when the candor doesn’t stir tears or anger. I can be honest about a piece of furniture I don’t like. But, if I am honest about how I view another person’s relationship with another person, I usually cross a line; it’s like pulling a shoelace on someone’s shoe, causing them to stumble. Who wants that?

Carolyn surprises me when she speaks in favor of salvaging the friendship…while you seem intent on ending it. YOU said the friend has become “unbearable.” This letter isn’t about a friend calling you that word. It’s your word about her. SHE is unbearable. [But, it’s sort of true…if you haven’t waited too long to speak up, I suppose, all could be salvaged; the friendship just might, ideally, recover from the emotional upheaval and adapt. I just doubt the possibility, based upon past experience and hearing so many negative cases.]

Sort of going with the flow Carolyn generated with her response to the previous letter, it’s your move to validate your feelings in this situation; let your friend know you are tired of the way she is acting because it’s how you used to feel/behave before facing therapy. And, she needs to validate/respect the process you have gone through, like a friend of a former addict needs to either avoid supplying temptation (by indulging in and/or providing the substance that was the source of the addiction) or end the friendship to continue indulging on their own. If she chooses to and favors being the old you, she may have to do that without you. Are you okay with that? If so, what’s so hard about saying the words?

But, if putting words on the table, in person, is too obvious and harsh for a solution, let’s think about alternatives…..

You could silently stay away from your “former” friend, letting her realize you no longer want to be with her for some reason (without clarifying the reason). Well, on a minor positive note, this would put you on a sort of high ground, letting her come (up) to you and ask what’s keeping you from spending more time with her. You’d still have to engage her with words, eventually, unless you are content to just let the friendship fall into silent bitterness and resentment.

You could put your feelings in a letter and snail- or e-mail that to her. The advantage with that option is you having, hopefully, more time to polish your thoughts and words than you had in writing a mere nine-line letter or “tweet” to Carolyn Hax. Letter-writing can be like turning a close relationship into a long-distance one. Sometimes distance is good; separation can be good. For Catholics, (currently) Lent is a time intended to go without something for forty days, hoping to reunite with that something and feel renewed appreciation/enjoyment after the separation. Sometimes, distance just drains the connection until writing a letter seems like too much work (compared with being able to show up at someone’s door, simply asking for a hug and a teary-eyed chat).

You could invite said friend on one last trial friend-date. And, if on that date said friend decides to be a complete drag and representative of the former you (the you you no longer approve), you can let her know this is the last time you two get to try something fun together…and why. It’s not quite the direct confrontation of the situation…but it eventually gets there, after a bit of emotional therapy and a subtle attempt to reconcile differences. If your friend cannot still prove she is a friend during that fun time together, you have valid proof why you need to end the friendship and not linger after the “breakup” with dismay. The friendship has changed. Be okay with the difference and the opportunity to make new friends who fit the new you. And, be okay with letting the former friend know she is free to spend her time with people who fit the present her, the former you

Give me enough time, and I could probably think of a few more. But, I think the above should suffice.

On the flip side, things you DO NOT want to do with this friend include continuing to spend time with her when she’s behaving in the way(s) that upset(s) you and timidly avoiding all vocalization of your discontent. Letting the problem fester is not the solution; it will only make you feel worse and the task of resolving the matter increasingly difficult…until the task is even more unbearable than your friend.

Dismissed.

17
Mar
22

Response to Fiancé ‘does everything’ except erase her doubts (Ask Carolyn Hax)

By writingbolt Leave a Comment
Categories: Responses to Ask Carolyn Advice Columns
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

***

Ask Carolyn (Hax) column originally titled “Fiancé ‘does everything’ except erase her doubts.”

There are two letters to this particular column. I have little to say about the first, which is mentioned in the headline/title. The second letter’s response from Carolyn was sufficient to earn a question mark and my thoughts.

In the first letter, “G” is the fiancé of a man who is the ultimate giver; she feels guilty being the receiver who cannot match his generosity. Carolyn essentially covers all the bases needed to be discussed. Doubts are natural blips on our internal warning systems to warn us before we take another step. They are instinct. And, G’s instincts give her concern/doubt.

In the second letter, “Anonymous” is a woman who is bothered by her husband’s habit of looking at young, thin, scantily clad women online, namely via Facebook. [Ugh!] In fact, the whole situation makes her quite insecure, which leads me to think she is NOT young or thin and dresses comfortably. It also would seem she is not getting anything out of this situation except a husband who probably imagines his wife is someone else while having sex (not making love) with her. Not good.

Carolyn goes through a series of outlooks and stirs feelings of nausea. She suggests the husband should be advised to be more discreet about his viewing habits. That is not a solution…not if the husband does as I fear and substitutes his “unattractive” wife with a fantasy found online. If he simply tells her to leave him be with his habit, that’s not a healthy negotiation. In the end, I’m not entirely sure what Carolyn is advising. But, I have a few thoughts.

————————

G.  As you face your conscience, you should feel comfortable with your own level of generosity. If your fiancé is unhappy with your level of charity/generosity, then you can justify your doubt and step back to make the more serious decision(s). Can you be more giving?…could that be a measure of growth in the relationship you endure? If he is okay with whatever you give him, the doubt is all yours and yours to dump. And, if you cannot dump the guilt/doubt, consider kind parting efforts and finding someone who is more “on your level.”

————————

Anonymous. It’s not easy addressing you, because so many are anonymous in these columns. But, I’m giving it a shot.

Your husband sounds a tad creepy. Just a tad. And, if he cannot talk with you about his interest in other women in a way that makes you comfortable with it, there’s going to be more upsets and problems ahead.

It’s different if a couple share the habit, if they can both look at pictures of whoever they like without ill feelings from the other person…even better if both partners share an interest in one or more “inspirations.” I’ve spoken with women who can admit certain women are beautiful or sexy; and that helps even the field if I should dare to look at or collect images of said women.

Yet, if I was/am in a committed relationship with someone I’m supposed to love more than any other woman…why am I still hunting pictures online?…particularly people found via Facebook of all places; that’s like being a peeping tom and looking in the windows of homes in your neighborhood just to spy on an attractive homeowner. Creepy and wrong. Why am I looking at others online when I could be spending time with my beloved or friends? Isn’t there something better to do with that free time than ogle? And, what am I still getting out of that ogling? I am not sure.

I’ll admit such a habit is a sign of dissatisfaction with life, in general. I’m lonely and have urges. Admitted. I don’t go clubbing or hunt for hookers. And, I quickly lose interest when my own conscience kicks in and questions the effort. What am I doing with all of these pictures? What’s the point? They’re just facades, illusions, mirages. These characters and people are not in my life. Sure, some cartoon/movie images might serve as inspiration for drawing, writing and role-play. But, the rest…those are just people I don’t know who happen to be attractive. Why am I stuffing them in a computer pocket? Just imagine that pocket getting so full it explodes one day. What a waste of time and space.

I can have a guy crush or two, but I’m definitely a lover of women. And, I don’t have a lone type; I like a variety. Shape isn’t everything when a woman has a respectable spark/aura. I’ve loved big and small, short and tall. But, when it comes to choosing a future life partner, I have a general idea of who/what I want.

Now, if I have a need to ogle other women while I am married, I had better make it okay with my wife. If I am telling her to leave me alone with my habit, that’s not good. It’s somewhat immature.  And, if ogling turns into pursuit of affairs, you’re just feeding a weed and draining your heart.

You want to make this uncomfortable situation okay? Don’t be confrontational like a parent. But, let him know you need to see some adjustment and explanation to put your heart at ease. Discreet is not the answer. You know he is doing this. You either find a common interest in the effort or make clear how this “hobby” of his impacts you. Is he still attracted to you? Is he imagining the women he finds when he shares a bed? If he cannot clearly answer those questions and restore your faith in his love, you know what needs to be done…sadly.

31
Jan
22

My Response to In-Laws Need to Stop Hugging Me (Ask Carolyn Hax)

By writingbolt Leave a Comment
Categories: Responses to Ask Carolyn Advice Columns
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

****

Ask Carolyn (Hax) column originally titled “In-laws won’t stop hugging even when asked to stop”

This one is oddly endearing; I actually find myself attracted to Grumpy, the author of the letter, not Carolyn (never). But, “Grumpy” doesn’t want anyone showing her affection or intimate interest, right now. And, Carolyn needs a little help punctuating her titles, for grammar’s sake.

“Grumpy” is the introverted wife of a man who tries to cushion the blow of discomfort caused by his parents who, above all others the woman knows, make her uncomfortable with their incessant need to hug at every possible instance/impulse, not limiting this sort of affection to greetings and/or goodbyes. And, because Grumpy resists, they throw in the occasional teasing which makes Grumpy feel even worse.

The key notes to remember here are:

1) Grumpy tries to be nice-er and understanding of the desire to hug in others. She’s not entirely opposed, but her comfort level is not rising when others make jokes and leave her feeling like a “weirdo.” [Technically, from a therapist’s perspective, she is to blame for how she allows herself to feel in response; so she might be choosing to feel weird.] She’s doing her best to put up with the differing interests of others yet still struggling and desperate for relief. Translation, she’s swimming outside her comfort zone and starting to sink.

2) Grumpy’s husband has been known to deflect and/or reject jokes made about the wife. He’s not pressuring her to give up her discomfort boundaries, completely. He’s trying to play the middleman, which is why Hax’s advice is all the more confusing and unhelpful…again. [Her track record is really tanking.]

Carolyn puts the blame on the husband for being insensitive and tells the wife to put her armor on before telling the husband to get with the program. She also has a heavy-worded way of confusing the crap out of me; what is she even trying to say in most of the column? Good luck, Grumpy family, on sharing a bedroom and anything intimate a couple should enjoy.

—————

Grumpy, I adore you (and women like you). You are not so stuck in your mud that you cannot admit to the awkwardness you feel in social situations. You’re touchy and quirky (like me). And, I just get this feeling; if we were stuck in a room together, there would be friction. But, the friction would quickly dissolve into reassuring warmth and sympathy when we share our mutual discomfort and shed the concerns/defenses.

NOTE: I have a “bad habit” of becoming drawn into “none of my business” and expand upon my initial opinions, the more time I am allowed or allow myself to dwell upon the matter at hand, even if I am “dismissed” and no longer in the company of those involved. This response started out “in short” but has grown with my lack of resistance to revisiting it. And, this…tends to happen with most of my responses.

I totally understand your need for personal space. I appreciate your self-awareness, regarding the possibility of handling social situations in a nicer way than you normally, reflexively do. You want to be more socially accepted and tolerant; but you retain a measure of discomfort which leaves you feeling soiled and/or violated. And, it can be difficult bridging the gap without feeling as if you lose or sacrifice a part of your soul. I get that. [And, God bless you calling yourself a weirdo. I know it hurts to say it; but it’s strangely endearing.]

My advice: Keep doing what you do to test the social waters and improve your tolerance, reducing the chance of being seen as weird. You’ll widen your social circle and find more opportunities. But, you do not have to give up your “spidey sense,” completely. If anyone who wishes to be (more) affectionate triggers a red flag, sets off your inner voice of warning, feel free to step back and deny the physical contact. Your intuition is not the enemy. The invader is. And, it’s only right to be cautious.

[I confess I have shaken hands and hugged people I now regret giving that ground. They did not deserve the kindness. I remain a bit uncomfortable with the violation. I participated to get the job, smooth client/customer relations or just keep family from making me feel strange for being different/distant (like you). And, I never truly felt or saw the benefit. I felt like I let myself down and let some thief take something from me.]

The only thing you are lacking is a bit more backbone (as am I). We need to set boundaries but also be polite and vocalize those boundaries without other self-conscious side-effects (like feeling sick to our stomachs for having to repeat ourselves, when we’d rather be wearing a sign that says “DO NOT HUG, RIGHT NOW; ASK FIRST”). Once people are aware of our desires, they have the responsibility of respecting them. At least, ask before going for a hug or handshake. That’s polite (on their part), too; just as they seem to expect everyone to be okay with a hug or kiss on the cheek.

I think much of the social problem comes from lack of communication (which is sort of key to being…well…social); instead, people assume and don’t read the signs well. You assume people won’t hug you when you don’t want a hug, but then you also go without hugs when you need/want them (because people become affraid of upsetting you), thus losing out on some valuable affection. Others assume you are open to hugging (and the rest) and then feel awkward or offended when you resist; they fail to supply the courtesy of a question.

Let me ask you this. If you were in a foreign country, where the custom greeting seems to be a hug or kiss, how would you convey your boundaries when you cannot speak the native language? Would you cede your resistance and comply or cope with the awkwardness when you fail to communicate your preference? [Knowing me, I’d probably fold and go along for the ride, putting up with the questionable discomfort, later.]

I’m not a professional psychologist, but I’d be inclined to consider the possibility you suffer from a form of autism, not significant enough to be clearly defined as such. You collect stress triggers like fly paper, instead of making contact with one and shedding it. The triggers continue to bother you until you are faced with a social/affectionate situation and impact your response. By the time someone is looking for that hug, you look like a cat covered in sticky candy wrappers and chewed gum. If you were not bothered by the “million other things,” you might be more receptive and/or understanding of someone’s desire to touch/embrace you. It may not entirely be the affectionate one’s fault when you bristle. Right?

So…suggestion? The next time you find yourself approached by someone wanting a hug, if you know other “items” are bothering you at that moment, acknowledge the “other” discomfort and either tell the heat-seeking hugger or accept the hug. You now know the person does not deserve the blame for your present discomfort…the “other things” do.

If you choose a more self-defensive route, verbally make your boundaries known; do not bristle and assume the sign is clear. Let word spread. People who don’t know you or don’t get the message will eventually have to learn. Let any concern for people thinking you are weird slip away from you as you exhale and cast off all internal distress. If people seem unable to learn (after having ample chances), walk away without further explanation; you already told them what they need to know. When you feel comfortable sharing a handshake or hug (or kiss), bridge the divide and offer one, yourself. If you know the other person is receptive, they should not complain (like you would). If they are like you (and me), then ask first. Then you are in charge of your body and should not have any further discomfort.

Also, ignore Carolyn (unless you misrepresented your own husband’s behavior). Don’t blame him. It sounds like he’s trying to mend bridges, not burn them. He seems like an okay–not great–guy. And, he’s putting up with the influences of his parents, as many must do.

You married him, not his parents; you are within your right to deny them affection if they don’t respect your preferences. If you refuse the affection of your husband, you two have some balance yet to correct. If his parents (and any other family members he might have) continue to belittle you, ignore and/or avoid them because they refuse to be more understanding of the woman who married their son. But, because this is a “civil union” of two “families,” you, too, must understand some people are just…”handsy,” including those in-laws. You can subject them to any number of penalties to satisfy your needs; but they will remain who they are until they die. And, your husband came from them; he still has to respect his own parents and decide (for himself) how much affection he will permit. If they change to respect your boundaries, it’s a miracle.

Consider this last bit of advice a consolation prize. Should you choose the humbling, submissive route, you could accept the hugs with a contingency plan in place. After putting up with the invasion of your comfort zone, you are permitted to have some alone time away from the husband and his family. But, this requires you being comfortable on your own away from home (and a measure of trust between lovers). At least, it’s a brief vacation, now and then, from what bothers you, allowing you to purge yourself of some discomfort and recover.

And, breathe. If you feel any discomfort after what I’ve said, go take a hot bath or shower and make yourself comfortable in a private, quiet space with something to entertain yourself for a little while. You’re okay.

————–

If you are reading this, like what I have to say and seek advice to your own nagging question, feel free to submit a letter to my mailbox. [Use the Contact Me page/info link at the top of the page.] And, I will give you a personalized response, like certain advice columnists try to do but without the reflex of handing you over to a professional therapist (which you can handle yourself if you so choose).

25
Jan
22

Response to Husband Hiding COVID-19 Email (Ask Carolyn Hax)

By writingbolt Leave a Comment
Categories: Responses to Ask Carolyn Advice Columns
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

****

Ask Carolyn (Hax) column originally titled “Husband exposed to COVID-19, didn’t tell wife”

Here we go, again, casual readers; another hasty and somewhat flippant advice column handed off to professional therapy by the columnist sought for advice. [Had it been couples therapy, I might have let this slide. Buuuut, couples therapy was not exactly the suggestion given.]

“S” is the deeply agitated, potentially overly controlling and clearly COVID-19 concerned (paranoid?) wife of a man who deleted an email–from a shared business email account–regarding an exposure incident at a meeting of some men’s club the wife permitted her husband–who might as well be an indentured servant from my understanding of the situation–to attend; she refused to attend this men’s club meeting after receiving invitation/permission. The husband deleted the email which mentioned “positive cases” and said nothing afterward; the wife, as “administrator,” saw the email (when it was still in the inbox?) and tapped into the deleted emails (days later)–which sounds rather paranoid and distrusting of the spouse, right up front–to find the then missing file before turning to an advice columnist for female fury support.

——-

**Now, before I explode with my usual rant, let me just present one case in which I could, admittedly, be wrong in snapping yet justified in my outrage over the careless, flippant therapy suggestions. IF this shared/business email account AND men’s club meeting are linked…if the men’s club meeting was considered a “company function”…and the husband neglected to inform his wife and business partner of his exposure…and if the wife is honest about the couple having kids also put at risk from his exposure…then the most I can say is this couple needs to have a serious talk and sort out their differences, including opinions on getting vaccinated and all the differences Carolyn Hax clearly could not process on her own.

I also question how the couple married without a better understanding of what could be trusted; I’d rather not think the man was horsewhipped into the relationship simply because he was some sort of “eye candy” without any ability to function on his own…or that he was some wealthy playboy who seduced this woman into believing he would never deceive her…while she saw the posh life he offered and couldn’t refuse.

It’s also possible this isn’t the first dispute over the “COVID-19 crisis” to divide this couple. If the husband and wife have disagreed about getting vaccinated a few times, already, this incident might just be the husband’s latest semi-deceptive-but-equally-foolish attempt to avoid another confrontation and feverish, siren-like outburst from his significant other. Knowing my own parents and their differences, I can relate; no one–and I mean no one–enjoys hearing my mother explode when something upsets her sensitive composition. It’s like lighting a match to ignite a hurricane.

But, it isn’t justified cause/reason to commit the man as a mental disaster and let the wife walk away with no blame, at all. Why? Is she so innocent because she supports the “right” or “left”–whichever it may be–viewpoint on everyone needing to get vaccinated?…though conflicting reports keep suggesting (as I’ve feared) the vaccines are nothing more than cattle-prodded flu shots which have as much likelihood of making you as sick as you’d be had you caught a bad case of the flu…unless you are among the unfortunate masses who suffer so badly that, yeah, death happens (which is a whole other debate for another day). Is this suspiciously political divide in the media going to ravage countless marriages, as well, risking not just physical/medical health but also mental health?

[BUT…if this is a company email account shared by the husband and wife…and the email was from the head of the men’s club about positive cases found…wouldn’t other members of the same men’s club ALSO receive the email alert? Wouldn’t all members of the club be informed?…not just the one tied to the “administrator” of this one rather severely monitored business email account? Or, was it the couple’s responsibility to inform all associated with the men’s club?…which sounds strange.]

[And, if the husband, knowing his wife had access to the email account and the ability to check for deleted emails, was still dumb enough to bother deleting the troubling email…well, shame on his stupidity. Or, pity the poor fool because he didn’t know what else to do, being a guy clearly desperate to socialize without the extreme concern over potential exposure and with some reservation about being vaccinated, to which I can relate because the barrage of news reports is confusing and not reassuring in any way. And, if the wife cannot understand that, she needs to check herself before she wrecks this marriage.]

BUT, if the men’s club meeting was just the husband’s “allowance” for socializing outside of an otherwise rather restrictive relationship, a means of having some sort of sanctioned friendship outside of the marriage (a marriage between a daring extrovert and a paranoid introvert not entirely unlike myself)…then witness my full fury as follows.**

——-

This female-empowerment-over-one-sided-disputes-regarding-couples-who-cannot-adequately-communicate-with-each-other business has to stop! [You have no idea how tough that is to hyphenate until you type it.]

Carolyn Hax, once again, responds with ill-equipped sensibility to the one-sided confession/argument, siding with the pleading client and recommending therapy for the “insecure” and otherwise defective husband who “cannot be trusted, can’t engage meaningfully in an intimate relationship and is a…bad example to children.” As if the wife–who is allowing this guy to use a shared business email account to socialize with a men’s club only to study the waste basket of deleted mail, just in case he, once more?, cannot be trusted–is a saint?!

S-O-FREAKIN’-BEEYOTCH!

First of all, if it isn’t obvious, we only get the wife’s take on the situation in what is clearly a couple squabble…which is probably sufficient evidence for Hax to suggest therapy. But, just for HIM?! Because HE is the problem? Oh, no, madam. The problem is the married couple, who, together, are a bad example for any children they may or may not have. And, from the wife’s tone, I would not be surprised if they had no kids…but that she wishes they did…so she could lord them over her husband, get them to side with her, because she doesn’t trust him much…if at all.

How do we know the wife isn’t as deceptive as the husband? Maybe “for other reasons” she can accept some of the blame for this tense situation (but refuses to do so, much the way she says her husband accepts zero responsibility). [If what the wife says IS true, then her husband is my mother at her worst; and even I might not recall the rare instance when my mother actually admitted to her own guilt instead of denying everything pointed at her. And, regardless how I feel about my own parents, I wouldn’t write them off to some unknown therapist whose advice they’d likely ignore/deny…but I might call them defective; sure. The difference is…I didn’t choose my parents or to be born under them. This woman CHOSE to marry this man and accept him as he is, flaws and all. If that’s too defective for her to accept, this marriage was a mistake from the start.]

This relationship smells like a “pre-nup” situation with the guy in a very compromising position. Even if he truly had reasons to be distrusted…SHE MARRIED THE GUY!! AND, she agreed to let him be a part of a men’s club…provided the email communication is handled through an account under the umbrella of a business she–in some fashion–controls or owns? [Had she denied him the membership in this men’s club, I’d be inclined to question her level of trust and feelings for the guy; wouldn’t you? Would that be a fair and loving relationship?]

If you haven’t read the column, let me add this little chip to your shoulder. The wife says she was invited to join the husband at the men’s club function but turned down the invitation…”for other reasons.” ‘Reasons she does not mention…why? What’s she hiding? Could it be insecurity over her own COVID fears? Is she afraid what people will say?…maybe that she’s just reacting out of fear of being among “the exposed?” Is she afraid of being called a kooky recluse?…because she just might be among that lot? Is her own self-consciousness acting out here to justify her position in the relationship and, maybe, excuse her for being so damn controlling?

If control of the situation was flipped without changing the hands of the crime, if the husband was administrator of the email account AND the one responsible for deleting an email the submissive/associate wife found (or became aware of its contents some other way), then I would likely side with her and say she is speaking out for the safety of all parties involved, as I would if my manager(s) attempted to hide something alarming and dangerous from the public/customers. [But, that isn’t this case. So, let’s not get carried away with “what ifs.”]

The mere idea of suggesting the husband is so defective that he cannot be trusted (at all) or capable of engaging an intimate relationship with his heart and soul; it’s outrageous and more likely to push the guy off a cliff than be of any help to him or his unfortunately flawed marriage. The wife is worried about “World War III.” I am fairly certain what would unfold from discussing the email situation with the husband would more likely be World War 300…because this cannot be their first big fallout or their third…UNLESS the wife or husband came into this relationship with kids in tow…and they recently married. If they’ve been together long enough to have even two kids, it shouldn’t be much of a shock to face this upheaval.

I’m inclined to say the wife is reluctant to deal with differences of opinion and marital confrontations, regardless of their intensity and/or who is to blame. And, if that is not the case, then the husband is tired of “always” coming to blows with the wife and “blowing up” when one of these disputes begins because there have been far too many (disagreements). If you had to defend your opinion of anything, so often, in the face of someone intent on refusing to see your point of view, sparking your temper this easily, you might understand.

Am I being hasty in promoting divorce (over therapy)? Not entirely. But, how often does therapy resolve these situations compared to cases in which the couple either refuses to accept therapy or ultimately delays a seemingly inevitable divide, whether that is a legal divorce or “separation?” And, how does deeming one half of a (formerly) willing union as defective and untrustworthy a solution any better than committing someone to a life in prison without sufficient potential for “rehabilitation?”

Does anyone expect therapy to resolve this matter, or is that just an excuse to spare the wife from dealing with her half of the problem? No ONE is fully to blame in this case, even if only one is the loudest and most likely to deny guilt. The problem isn’t solely his deceptive deed or measure of his character; it’s a divide over the current health crisis. And, considering a shared business is fuel added to the fire, it seems only more likely one side of the divide would resort to this sort of short-sighted deception to avoid a confrontation (and potentially ease already apparent tensions, even though the deception seems hazardous…though all parties involved should have received the concerning email, eliminating the greater, inflated concern over one man deleting the copy to which he–and his wife–had access, before and after deleting it).

————–

Miss S, after all of the above, my own personal advice–ill-equipped as I am (as anyone handed your case as it was written may be)–is limited to this. Either work out your trust issues with the husband (and, potentially, father of your children, if there are any children and if they are not from a previous marriage/relationship) on your own or see a couples counselor/therapist and pray you both can let down your “supremacy” guard enough to accept the textbook guidance, which I doubt from the many accounts to which I’ve unintentionally been exposed. Yes, I’ve been exposed…to lousy marriage situations and heard countless sickening tales which could easily destroy my faith in the traditional marriage dynamic and set me on course for self-destruction, much like I expect your supposedly untrustworthy husband to be.

Treating your situation is sort of like radiation therapy for the various cases of “big bad C” out there, which seems as deadly as the COVID you now fear. The prescribed radiation treatment too often causes further suffering, misery and, inevitably, death…which would likely be the result, anyway, if left untreated. But, maybe, not treating the problem would be a slightly less painful or hasty death?

Then again, maybe it’s not…THAT bad. But, if this isn’t THAT bad, you wouldn’t be going through your husband’s deleted emails and turning to an advice columnist for assistance (or just gal-pal support which, as you fear your husband doing to you, you might flap in his face to bolster your side of the argument).

But, as I stated above, if this email account is for business-related communications, I presume the men’s club was an event to promote your shared business?…and not your clearly social-interaction-without-scandal-starved husband’s brief vacation from an otherwise suffocating marriage. Forgive me if that sounds harsh or blunt; but you DO sound like a deeply troubled introvert (“for other reasons” you won’t mention) and paint him as a daring extrovert (for reasons you feel permitted to mention with inflated numbers); and that is not such a foreign concept, these days, that you should feel self-conscious. It seems quite common…and tragic. And, what is just as cruel and tragic is an advice columnist pegging your dear husband (and father of your children?) as untrustworthy, insecure and…well, I’m just repeating myself, which I hate to do.

In short, ‘bad call on your part. Now, you’ve probably made countless husbands (and various other partners) so insecure they could kill themselves and added tension to my already dangerously elevated blood pressure. But, then again, that’s my fault for reading your letter and the advice foolishly given. I’ll accept that much blame. Anything else I or Carolyn might say is inadequate to resolve your problem(s) because it’s colored by your emotionally colored rant. But, putting all blame on the husband and suggesting he face professional therapy because of his supposed defect…that is not mature or fair. And, you (ought to) know that. If you take Carolyn’s words and flap them in your husband’s face, you permit me to stand by your husband, regardless of his character, and spare this world from the hazardous excess of “girl power” that could easily take control of this world and only flip the problem of inequality instead of solving it.

Should you confront your husband with your concerns, well aware it might turn into a big thing? Probably. I mean, couples need to communicate to reach some sort of agreement and/or compromise on many situations, including this one, which is highly charged, considering the PERCEIVED threat level. Would the alternative–not confronting him–resolve your distress? Probably…not. Isn’t that much obvious? Not addressing a concern or problem does not make it go away. Confrontation seems inevitable. But, what is not inevitable is how that confrontation is conducted. Dwell on that suggestion a bit before having that serious talk with your chosen life partner.

Defuse the situation before it can explode. Make the discussion as comfortable as possible for both parties. And, if after all of that, it still blows up in your face and you still feel like you cannot trust your husband with anything, isn’t the next step obvious? I think it is. You just don’t want to go through it, much the way you don’t want to socialize in what might be a hazardous environment…even though not every bit of business can be handled remotely. And, no vaccine, so far, guarantees the safety of you, your husband or any children to which he is a “poor character” lacking “integrity.” It would seem he wants you to relax (more) and stress out less, should you overreact (which you will never see as overreacting, lest you become tragically self-conscious and threaten your own life…and all lives linked to yours) to what was in that email he foolishly tried to hide from you…who clearly lords over all outside communication in your business/relationship.

Understand I am not putting all blame on you (nor will I put it on HIM). This is a shared responsibility and concern; the two of you differ in opinions on the matter. That’s all. If you are the submissive half of this union–which does not seem likely the way you manage emails (among other things you won’t mention)–and he is perpetually a loose emotionally-charge cannon, I can sympathize with you and say he’s like my mother. But, that does not make you entirely innocent or free to enlist someone in doing the deed you ultimately must face yourself, as his partner.

[If I haven’t made it clear, yes, divorce is the unfavorable but possible result if you two cannot work this out on your own. Therapy might give some insights and suggest activities you one or both can attend, as if that would help, considering it is such an activity that contributed to this “blister” of concern. But, considering this conflict is linked to business you two share, it sounds like a personal matter that’s bound to upset a professional one, like the Gucci story. And, you don’t want it to come to that. I doubt even a professional therapist wants to have a hand in what could topple a financial empire. That sounds more dangerous than a severe flu bug.]

But, wait. There is one other possibility. You could do whatever you feel necessary to ensure the safety of yourself and those who concern you most WITHOUT COMMITTING YOUR HUSBAND TO AN ASYLUM! If you must, YOU quarantine yourself (and children); separate yourself from the one you married but cannot trust. Maintaining some sort of business and/or communication with him–avoiding legal action (such as divorce and all that probably comes with that, concerning the business ties you seem to have)–you work this out until it is, once again, safe to reunite and reconcile this incident as a loving, forgiving couple (of parents, who are a good example to children and just about anyone else).

[There. I said my piece. And, this sounds far better than putting your husband in jail or a straitjacket.]

« Previous Entries

Unknown's avatar

Archives

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started