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Ask Carolyn (Hax) column originally titled “He was popular, she wasn’t, and it’s class reunion time.”
This letter/case comes from a young woman (She’s All That) who was very uncomfortable and isolated in high school, as I was (though I suffered from a different disorder), and is now in a relationship with one of the “cool boys,” a jock and class clown. He eagerly wants to attend a school reunion; she has reservations which could be classified as high anxiety. And, I’m right there with her. That was me about…mmerheth years ago.
This is a subject that strikes me in the gut. And, I think the title might need a semi-colon or two, instead of commas. [‘Just saying.]
Some years ago, I was in this woman’s shoes (well, a man’s shoes) and decided not to attend. In fact, I wrote a letter to the school that essentially said why I would not come. I enclosed some details just in case the message could be passed to a few people I thought were worth speaking to, again. Maybe, just maybe, the letter would spark new friendships with old faces. Unfortunately, my luck with letters is…well…lousy. But, I gave it a shot, like a message in a bottle cast out to sea.
I just couldn’t…wouldn’t go. There was no way anything could cushion me in the case of an upset. I would be thrusting myself back into that old “circle” and cycle of emotions I was glad (and somewhat sad) to escape. I tried my best to establish friendships with people who, ultimately, couldn’t work with me or get past whatever social-status obstacle that stood in the way. Plus, being aware of how people might change and/or not change, I didn’t want to hear about relationships come and gone and kids in the picture, etc. I’d have nothing to offer in response other than unfair opinions. If someone was single after a divorce, I wasn’t ready to get into that with any crazy aspirations. [Hey! We’re both single; how about that.]
She’s All That, unlike her current boyfriend, had nothing, she feels, to take pride in, not even her academic record. She was a “nobody.”
[I had a decent academic record but didn’t care about that when I realized I was a complete social outcast, even if I had charm and a sense of humor. No matter how I could make people laugh, no matter how smart I was (or wasn’t) or how I amazed them with some other artistic talent, it wasn’t enough to establish friendship or love. Family wasn’t any help with socializing, either; they were a threat.]
I knew a bunch of girls like her, people who might have earned awards but existed in the shadows of everyone else. They were not necessarily prey for the jerks but felt uncomfortable in their own skin, wishing they were someone or somewhere else. If something bad happened, if some popular snob did something to them, it wasn’t even discussed; it just left them scarred. There were girls like that even in my elementary school class, people so quiet and at a distance that I didn’t know what was really happening in their lives.
Carolyn makes some decent if not good suggestions/points.
1) Having a mental game plan…can help with the flare-ups of old terror as you’re about to walk into a room.
2) …a brave attitude alone can tilt things your way.
3) You might learn…about your boyfriend…
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She’s All That, let me start by saying that’s a very cute name choice. I get it. But, does that mean you feel entirely like the girl in that movie? I don’t remember it perfectly clearly, but didn’t the girl become prettier and find self-confidence, even after things were revealed and some went badly? I think she dumps the “hot” guy and either forgives him, later, or pairs up with someone else who felt ignored. The story ends on a positive note…right? [If not, I apologize and share your discomfort.]
If I was you, I wouldn’t likely go to the reunion…because I lack the confidence to face one, good or bad. What you, at least, have that I do not is an “in” and a partner of sorts. Had I reconnected with a classmate like that, I’d certainly have more confidence than I do, now, than I did then.
I’ve tried reconnecting with a few people, outside of school, and it hasn’t gone well. I looked up addresses I could find, sent actual paper letters to a few people…and got zero responses. I snubbed a phone call with someone I felt was unreliable. I exchanged emails with a few girls I knew, a few of the “unpopular” people, who are now married with kids, and apparently said something to silence them. If that isn’t enough to discourage my interest in a reunion, what is?
At the very least, you have someone who wants to be with you…and not to screw with your head. He’s not running to his pals to say he had fun hurting you. Right?
Sure, if we went, we MIGHT surprise ourselves with some good encounters, people who suddenly respect us for no particular reason; maybe they feel bad for what happened and wish to set things right. Suddenly, we have lunch plans with that “popular girl” who was always so catty and had a false reputation of sleeping with all of the hunks. That’s ideal.
But, not going could also eat away at your confidence. You might hear about another reunion or from those who attended this one and feel like you were a fool for missing out on something…again. Do we really want to add to our discomforting memories?
[I think back to my teens and how many opportunities I missed simply because I let fear and irrational expectations get in the way. I might have been more comfortable socially if I had been brave. But, to be fair, I also could have been more self-destructive if I “went along” and wasn’t prepared to defend myself. Having an escape plan is key to survival.]
1) I like the “mental game plan” idea. But, be careful you don’t go with a bad attitude; don’t cross your arms and glare at people just because they might upset you. That will just spoil any chance you have of enjoying a moment. Keep the glaring feeling inside; though I know that may be hard for some.
I’d say you should imagine yourself like a bashful rabbit in the company of Prince Charming. You already know or perceive your boyfriend will be a center of attention; there’s no expectation of you to be more than you were back then. So, be prepared to stand beside your guy but keep quiet until you feel ready to speak. Do not step in front of him, but don’t hide behind him, either.
If you walk into a room and decide you don’t want to get involved with someone, just say, “I’m not getting into this.” And, walk away. Have an agreement with your boyfriend; you will not force yourself to put up with any negative energy should it flare up in the presence of people you never liked. Try to keep your responses neutral (not negative) until you know how the other person feels about you. If it turns out someone has had a change of heart and actually wants to initiate a friendship, evaluate their response; decide if it’s genuine and if you can chance a more private reunion.
2) Bravery is easily said but more difficult to muster. Unless you are more confident about your boyfriend than you sound in your letter, you have a small shield. He’s not a “rock,” at least, not yet. You are happy to have seen him in a new light, after a traumatic experience. But, he hasn’t exactly cured you of your fears…and now wants you to face a potential nightmare with him. And, I’m not saying you should hang onto him like a shield…but, at least, having someone who wants to go with you is better than braving this alone…usually.
[Well, I say that and then think of people I would not take with me…like family. So, not every partner will be a good one. No. Sometimes, it’s better to go alone…and escape alone, without having to worry about who is driving or where you are headed. Alone, you have control in terms of the escape plan.]
You might give your boyfriend a consequence for failing to reassure you. [This ties back into that “mental game plan” strategy.] I suppose some might say this is immature or inappropriate. But, if he is so sure you’ll be fine, let him prove it. If he is certain any discomfort you experience can be relieved by his company, let’s see what he can do. And, if you genuinely feel slighted or bruised by his behavior, maybe you don’t see him for some measure of time and take a solo retreat of sorts to mend. Maybe you work out a deal for him to owe you a special night out or treat delivered to your home/workplace. It may seem petty, but the gesture/arrangement could be reassuring and thoughtful. Just don’t put all of the blame for any trouble you encounter on him; emotional responses are often (if not always) the fault of both ourselves and those who stir them.
Here is a key statement to feed yourself, repeatedly:
“I know what I faced in the past was awful. I don’t have to repeat those mistakes or relive those horrors because I am aware of what happened and how. If I feel upset or scared, it’s my own fault; I let those feelings trouble me. But, if anyone dares to jab me with their hatred or intimidation, I have the right to reject them and walk away. I am no longer obligated to stay in school with the troublemakers. This school and these people no longer decide nor steer my fate.”
[If you think that’s too much to repeat/remember, try focusing on the first two sentences. You know the past was awful. You know what and how it happened. With that knowledge, you are stronger and able to avoid repeating the horrors you previously faced.]
If you were in a really good place in your life, you could look at this reunion like a joke. [Who would want to get back together with the people who made them uncomfortable, even if they were fortunate enough to get the “influencer” gene?] You could walk through the whole event with your professional head held high, dressed for success, and not be upset by anyone, because life couldn’t get any better. Nothing from the lousy past would dare to upset what you’ve built. And, if you’re a good person, you’d avoid the mishaps of countless reunion movies, including snubbing the “popular crowd” just to revisit some of the negative feedback and accidents you faced as a teen. You’d acknowledge the good and bad luck of others without offering much opinion, being a good listener and knowing when to walk away rather than get more involved.
If you could imagine yourself engaging in some adventure like a brave knight in shining armor, a Joan of Arc, you might face the dragons of the past and come away with nothing more than a few bruises and/or scrapes. Every clash could be seen as a fight with a fearsome monster, which you should walk away from and feel good about surviving.
You could fix yourself up in a way that makes you feel good. For once, unlike you may have faced in high school, you have full control over how you look, how you dress, anyway. You don’t have to be evaluated by a trend or peers. This isn’t a time to worry about what other gals are wearing. This is your time to represent you. So, don’t wear something that makes you uncomfortable. And, if anyone dares to comment on what you wear, you have the right to stand up and say, “This is me. Deal with it.” You are not going to see these people tomorrow and put up with whispered gossip or ridicule until the end of the school year.
You probably know of some past experiences in which you were afraid and then relieved when things didn’t go as badly as you feared. The same could happen with the reunion. You also might get a chance to make amends with some people you miss and regret not maintaining better contact.
However, if the location of the reunion puts you back in a place where you experienced any severe mental/emotional trauma, I would suggest avoiding the particular space or the whole event if it’s that serious and involves the entire location. If you suffered in various parts of the school and now have to walk those spaces, again, I’d gladly hold your hand and say it’s okay to skip this event. If the reunion is held at some hotel or restaurant, instead of the old school, that should eliminate a good portion of your concern.
[There are places I’d rather not walk through, again, no matter how anti-social or cowardly someone may think of me. I do not need to relive or stir up those nightmares. Yet, if I was with someone I loved and trusted with my heart, I should be brave enough to get through even the scariest of spaces and reject my own fears, knowing–or trusting–I am not there to go through the old crap, again. I think of a female friend I had for some time; with her, I feel I could face just about anything.]
3) If you are not entirely confident in your current boyfriend, the reunion might just be the pop quiz or exam that educates you. Be prepared for that. You might even tell him, directly. This might lead to a breakup. Are you prepared to be “on your own,” again?
I would not suggest going in with any aspiration about learning new information about the boyfriend. That could turn ugly. But, I would go in being aware of him and his behavior. If his responses/interactions upset you, in any way, address that feeling with him, as soon as possible (in private, not public, if that much isn’t obvious).
On the flip side, you might be delighted to be included in some activity or discussion and relieved to have that boyfriend at your side. Sometimes, even a bad experience can end on a positive note when we have good company, a trusted companion. You might think of your boyfriend’s “old ties” as a means to fill in gaps you left open “back then.” Back then, you didn’t “click” with the people he did; now you get a second chance, with, ideally, if there are still humane people in the world, the insulation of common ground from aging. [In other words, everyone likely has some “baggage” and has adjusted with time to be more understanding of others, less “judgy.”]
If you leave the reunion, feeling like a fool, and can honestly put any of the blame on your boyfriend, you should feel prepared and in the right to end the relationship. But, if you get upset, for any reason, evaluate the feeling, first, before you accuse anyone else of anything. Check your own behavior. And, if you ruined anything, don’t hate yourself; you’ve been down that road, before. Admit your mistake(s) and seek a way to remedy or get past them.
In the end, should you brave this adventure into unpleasant history, you could go on with your life, assured you faced a test and survived. And, if at least some little part of it goes well or better than expected, you have a nudge to brave another reunion, should one arise. If you don’t try this (when you have someone who wants to be with you and go with you), you risk staying in the shell you thought you shed.
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