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Response to Hard Conversations, wife of…
Original column titled: Husband with low self-esteem lashes out (under Ask Carolyn <Hax>)
HC says her husband and father of a 1-year-old child cannot take criticism, or, rather, suggestions for correcting behavior, correcting potential mistakes and improving results. He becomes emotional–translation: hostile, aggressive, bitter, resentful–when corrected or given what sounds like a complaint. She feels awful after he lashes out at her and wishes she had a solution to get past his defensive (and offensive) reactions.
Carolyn Hax cuts the woman off at the pass with the simplest, most over-used tidbit of advice; she tells the woman to get two therapists, one for herself and one for the couple, and takes up more than twice the amount of space used by the seeker of her advice to, ironically, give the essential details one would likely receive at such therapy sessions. She also confronts the possibility that the seeker might have left out key information or falsified the situation.
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If you have read similar rants about professional therapy (from me) in the past, I apologize for repeating myself. I am, regrettably, weak to certain provocation. If you are familiar with my thoughts on the matter, feel free to skip down to the actual response letter. It’s down the hall…a rather long hall…on the left…somewhere. I know, there may be some dust trails and litter along the way. You’ll get there, eventually. What precedes that letter might just be a refreshed version of old, stewing feelings…or an eye-opener for some folks. Hopefully, what is a rather long stream of content will help you who read this feel more…er, content. [Ha.]
If I have not made myself abundantly clear on this matter, elsewhere, I DO NOT AGREE WITH THE PRESCRIPTION FOR “PROFESSIONAL” THERAPY! And, damn, if this Hax doesn’t throw that card out on the table too often; which makes her whole advice column seem rather pointless.
The only reason I bother to write all of what I am about to say is because I hate people throwing around the suggestion as if it were a tissue you hand to someone who sneezes or has a drippy nose. It feels like the one making the suggestion is annoyed and unable to care; and it makes the recipient of the suggestion feel defective. If someone on the street told another person to get professional help, I’d probably butt in and object; that’s just how strongly I feel about the matter.
[The only justification one can make about Carolyn’s suggestion for professional therapy is that it’s difficult to properly assess and address just about any heavily emotional/mental situation in the space of a letter and/or advice column…which is why everything I feel the need to say below seems like an exhausting novel. Considering that, how can anyone put such a situation in an advice column and not write a more lengthy, thoughtful response (in an actual letter and start a more helpful chain of correspondence…which risks getting “personal”)? No one says you have to turn every letter into a publicized poster for mental health; no one says every letter received must be turned into a column/post. Hax didn’t include any hotlines or addresses to contact. Maybe her advice is (best) limited to smaller opinionated matters. But, then, wouldn’t it be an opinion column?]
You know what “professional psychology” is? The verbal and visual equivalent of modern oral medicine. It’s like a pill you take, hoping for a quick fix/cure of what ails you; but it’s not quick, not guaranteed to cure the problem and comes with side effects like having a stranger do the very thing your partner is doing which irks you.
Now, I understand the benefit of getting input from a third party, an outside source. Occasionally, a couple (lovers, friends or just family traveling together) can do this while out on a tourist-like trip/excursion. You might ask a stranger what they think of something and process that opinion. But, that’s about where the benefit ends.
If you are struggling with a relationship and turn to a professional therapist/psychologist…
Well, there are two possible outcomes.
1) You take your advice literally and do as the therapist says. Now, your relationship is in the hands of this person who knows only as much as you tell them. It’s like you hand your TV over to the remote control and let it decide what you watch or if you watch anything.
If things don’t work out, you go back to the therapist and hope he or she has an explanation…which they may have, requiring additional time and plenty of money to afford. You could spend the rest of your life trying to do the relationship the right way, the therapist’s way. Or, you might wish to blame the therapist when your relationship is ruined beyond repair.
[You might do just as well reading a textbook on relationships, a sacred guide to the secrets of happiness as told by someone who claims to be a “bestseller” and trusted by everyone who gets a blurb near the glossy cover.]
2) You resist taking the advice given. Thus, you reduce your time with the therapist to an expensive second opinion on what you two already share. You return home and maybe argue about how you both perceive the advice given, occasionally questioning why you paid to see a psychologist, at all.
Also, by going to a “professional,” you are exposing your relationship–to some degree–to a stranger, someone who hasn’t earned your trust but is given trust. Unlike someone you already know who has earned some trust to have the right to hear thoughts from the heart, this person only has a license to listen and respond from either a textbook or a limited vocabulary as taught by whoever gave them the license.
[That last bit may be a colored opinion on my part. But, there is likely a reason why the help you get seems like it’s from a textbook; it’s because the professional doesn’t want to color their advice with personal feelings, which is rather difficult to do, being a relatively normal human being, if they are one. Becoming emotionally involved wouldn’t be “professional.” Yet, even priests occasionally are found guilty of breaking their vows. They’re all human.]
[True; when your head isn’t weighed down with emotion, you look at matters more “objectively.” If you take a step back from what scares you, you might be able to discover it’s not so scary. But, talking with someone who refuses to show emotion can truly become annoying and make you feel like you’re talking to a wall, too, especially if you feel they don’t truly understand your situation. Don’t you feel better when a trusted friend shares your feelings or, at least, has that magical way of improving your mood? Yet, while a friend can make us feel better, they might not resolve the problem. At least, you know and trust the person (with your feelings and certain aspects of your life) to some degree; right? They’ve earned that much. And, they don’t restrict you to a schedule for contact, though you might want to show some respect and not badger them at a bad time.]
If you can trust a stranger with all of your “baggage” in hopes of them setting you on a better path than the one you already travel, what difference is there between that stranger and the one you claim to be your “one-and-only,” other than, maybe, an obvious sexual attraction? [That is…if your psychologist isn’t one of the more attractive ones.]
[Of course, there is the third, seemingly ideal possiblity that you actually find a decent psychologist who not only inspires positive change (improvement) but earns the respect of the client(s) who would love to invite that person to dinner or some other holiday function (if the therapist was so free to socialize and not bound by some legal restriction). But, I don’t subscribe to that hope. Prove me wrong. And, there is a fourth possibility which I won’t go into because it’s just a fantasy of mine.]
[In a real crisis, when you have no one else to consult (family, friends, etc.), a good professional psychologist might provide you with other resources, places you can go and people you can contact to help with “legal matters” (because their authority is very limited, not unlike police from a particular town or district respecting certain jurisdiction). For example, if you need help caring for the child your partner refuses to handle properly, your psychologist might have an address or phone number you could use. You might get a suggestion for group therapy, which can be helpful because you get to hear from others in similar situations and compare notes; you might even make a friend or two if that’s allowed. It wasn’t (allowed) when I was in a group; or, rather, obstacles were injected to make connecting with my “peers” difficult (because you are in a group of potentially unstable people and no one wants to be responsible for causing or allowing any, er, “explosions”). They could also refer you to someone licensed, if they are not a psychiatrist, to prescribe thought-altering drugs; but I don’t recommend that route.]
Relationships are not textbook math problems. You don’t look up the formula or equation for calculating area or diameter and then feel relieved. Sure, certain matters may be broken down in a systematic way to generalize a possible solution. More likely, the situation will be given textbook terms for the reactions and methods of avoiding or correcting them. It’s like realizing your car has an oil leak but not knowing the professional term for that leak; and, suddenly, you are educated.
But, everyone has their personal reasons or stimuli for behaving their own way. And, it’s very possible that by not addressing those personal reasons, that personal history which causes emotional reactions, you make matters worse. Not unlike taking a pill or injection which works on A and/or B, as calculated, but causes C because it doesn’t have the intelligence to see past D and runs into a hazardous self-defense system. Just as one person cannot hack every computer system, one medicine cannot hack every human being’s genetic code.
[There are certain ailments that seem capable of being treated the same way for everyone as if they are basic human functions. The old “starve and feed” theory is one that seems to work. There are not a dozen ways to treat hypothermia or frostbite; you’ve suffered from extreme exposure to cold and need to build up warmth in the body to heal. Yet, hiccups remain one of those mysteries that require special, unique attention to unravel for each person.]
AND, ON TOP OF THAT, if the woman does as Hax prescribes, by getting a separate psychologist for herself, you light a fuse that could set of a whole powder keg of misery and painful quarreling. Why? Because the woman will come back from speaking with this “stranger” and elicit all that she was advised to say and do. The defensive husband will question and deflect this as if his wife just came back from having an affair/date with someone new. Who is this other person to say what should be done? And, why are you spending so much time seeing them, now? Why should I listen to what this un-trusted person is saying and accept two people, including the one closest to my heart, opposing me?
Separating the couple and putting matters of the shared heart in the hands of a “professional” is not the answer. Not unless both members of this union agree to trusting that professional. But, how likely is that? If both individuals surrender to following a psychologist’s advice, they’d have to be somewhat emotionally balanced and mature, as well as humble. And, according to this letter I’m reading, only one half of the couple seems open to the possibility; the other is likely to object and cause more upheaval.
[If, at any time, one or both members of the couple, who have agreed to trust a “professional,” question or doubt the advice/input of their therapist, there should be a meeting of minds to discuss this concern (away from the therapist’s office in a safe, intimate space).]
The man is probably bruised already from others, most likely family/parents, who did not properly balance and support him. If his parents are like mine, they may have boosted his esteem one day and then yanked it out from under him the next. One day, you’re a really smart kid; the next you can’t do anything right and have to have someone show you how it’s done…over and over again until you feel you cannot be trusted with any task nor support yourself. But, bottom line, you’re never smart or right. Those are just words thrown around by people who want things a certain way and are occasionally entertained by your own unique behavior.
[Another possibility, if his behavior is all an act–which is really tough for me to say, considering some personal opposition I’ve had to face–is that he was given a childhood of “privilege,” free to indulge himself with an abundance of resources and became lazy enough to dismiss any prodding for more effort. He might be that rich kid who never had to lift a finger and merely collects an inheritance from his wealthy family. I once knew a classmate who boasted his wealthy father “bought” the school, allowing him to be as disrespectful and destructive as he pleased. If this husband was of that sort, then just about everything I am saying seems rather useless. But, I see nothing to certify that possibility.]
This is like growing a maple tree on sandy ground or bamboo on rocky, dry ground; there’s nothing to provide solid roots. The foundation is weak, flawed, just like the output of the “tree” who received his/her fair share of compliments and too many complaints.
The solution is not trying to please you or anyone else; he has to see “improvement” as something he can and will willingly do (himself). He CAN improve the situation; he is able, not impaired. He just needs a good reason to take action. And, not likely one more authoritative threat or familiar situation that he suspects will result in more tongue-lashing.
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Dear Hard Conversations,
You seem like a reasonably sympathetic person who is not on the edge of a cliff, ready to bail on the relationship, as some spouses are, wondering if they married the wrong person. You seem to have the endurance to stay true to your partner and face the storm. And, you do not seem to be in a victimized position, someone taking far too much emotional/physical abuse to stand up for herself.
The problem here is voicing the situation instead of presenting it visually and effectively. Words, though often necessary and helpful, are triggering a negative, unpleasant response. If words cannot put out the fire, if you cannot find the right combination of words to crack your partner’s bitter, lackluster and/or self-destructive safe, try something else. If you need to have a conversation, you may have to earn it or present a mutually favorable offer to start one. And, you may–likely–need to find a trustworthy babysitter while having that talk.
Your situation is neither rare nor special enough to require professional therapy. However, what I am about to unload upon you may indeed sound like professional advice (and that genuinely scares me a little). You two are not a lost cause; if you were, you could skip therapy and go straight to discussing divorce.** But, your husband is either a poorly raised child (who might use manipulation to be left to his devices) or someone deeply weakened and wounded by previous “correction.”
**If your partner refuses to be a better father to his (and your) child, regardless of his self-esteem, you may be at risk of manipulation, as Carolyn suggests, and unable to resolve the matter, whether or not you seek outside help. If he won’t contribute sufficiently, the only likely result is divorce (and all the complexities that come with it). If you, his chosen loving partner, cannot reason with him, why should a “professional” have any better impact?
If he is the former, the problem is a chain reaction running its course through family history. Most likely, his parents were unhappy with the TLC they received from their parents, his grandparents, and so on through history until you reach the root of the problem…and this lack was passed onto him. You’ll likely hear some version of “Well, MY parents never (did ___) for ME! Why should you/our child be any different?” It’s an on-going excuse of/for poor support. Your husband refuses to do more because he was given so little; either he lacks the “know-how” because he was never “taught” or he cannot initiate the improved action/behavior because he hasn’t had sufficient reason and experience to do more than what comes easily. In the family’s past, the matter was not resolved, and the results continue to amass/spiral. The best you may be able to do, in this case, is present a better situation than what he previously had. By being a better example, hopefully, he can improve (himself). If he has any heart left, he should respond in kind, seeing you give so much effort to the family and your intimate relationship (with him).
And, if he is the latter, you must engage him carefully to avoid the mousetrap response. Also, if you come to him with words LIKE “I would like…,” you put yourself in a weaker position prone to backlash; you enter the tiger’s cage with your hands shaking as they hold the chair in front of you. [The savage beast can smell your fear.] You need to be more assertive to have any chance of getting your way and not hurt. Yet, if you sound like a tough boss or mean parent, you may achieve nothing, anyway.
[For the moment, I will set aside the matter of your husband’s “low self-esteem.”
And, before I say anything further, I should express the need to know your partner. Any advice anyone can give can only be as good as the knowledge the advisor has of your situation and partner. Just as an online search engine can only direct you to what you seek as well as you feed it information, and many online sources use things like “cookies” to control and contort your interests/pursuits. Those family-tree websites cannot magically produce information if you don’t supply any, first; some might only be as good as online encyclopedias which depend upon visitors to supply content. Anything I may say here is no good if it does not correspond with the particular needs and interests of your partner. For example, if he has no interest, whatsoever, in fashion, in what you wear, then a bit of what’s ahead will be utterly pointless.
I only choose to speak up about your situation because I, too, struggle with low self-esteem (and the prospects of parenting) and may have some insight on the matter.
With all of that in mind, please, continue.]
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CONCERN #1: IMPROVING YOUR PARTNER’S CONTRIBUTION TO THE RELATIONSHIP, NAMELY CARING FOR YOUR CHILDREN
When addressing your defensive husband with “room for improvement,” try to make your words more playful or casual rather than a spoonful of cough syrup. “You know, honey, this house is really mad, right now; I could sure use your help with ___. Could you ____?” [Not “I wish you would do more ___.” Or, “Why don’t you be more ___?” Or, “You could ___, which is better than what you’re doing, right now.” Although, that last one is the most assertive and less likely to leave you feeling wounded when he responds.]
And, express concern for your own well-being. If you don’t get more help with something, you will become a less pleasant partner. You will have less energy/stamina to do something with your partner, and that’s not good for the relationship. Sorry; you cannot do ___ for/with your partner, right now, because you are too tired or busy with something else concerning the immediate family (without coloring those expressions with a bitter attitude). By not (merely) pointing a finger–how ever delicate it may be–at some unfinished or less-than-you-like business and expecting improvement, you present medicine that benefits both members of the union, which might sound more satisfying than something only one half has to take because they are the problem.
In other words, as a visual stimulus, your husband should notice how his input affects your response/behavior. When he contributes insufficiently, you are “unable” to attend to some need or interest of his (because you used all that extra energy and time to deal with something he did not). You do not give him a “guilt trip,” “silent treatment” or some other variant of torture. But, you do make the problem more apparent, hopefully. Why are you unable to do something he wants/likes? Because he didn’t do his share (and you are excessively depleted/tired). Keep in mind, any activity you both enjoy should not be slighted in some manipulative way just to get your way; that’s definitely immature and causes you suffering, as well.
A simple choice of words and genuine feeling might also help. Simply saying “I need you!” [Not “I need you to ___.” That sounds like a boss or teacher giving an order.] And, if his response to this is unsatisfactory, then you two need to do something together to improve that response. You need to nurture the tree to get better fruit. [Wait. Did I, someone you don’t know, just tell you what you “need” to do? Like a parent or boss or professional therapist?]
[If your husband lacks the empathy to respond with kindness to your own visible suffering, then you have another, different matter to resolve.]
If expressing potential suffering isn’t sufficient, you might make it apparent. [But, this sounds a bit like a form of manipulation.] You let your spouse see the results of his lacking effort/contribution and make it clear you won’t be as nice to him as a result, not with words but with visuals. If he is not adequately tidying the home, let one central room become messy and let him see how that affects your mood or responses to him. Instead of confronting him like a boss or parent, you give him a situation to process which should convey “this is a problem I need to fix, somehow.” [However, understand a child is at the center of this situation; and any voluntary neglect could tragically impact his/her development, resulting in that child becoming the next generation of today’s difficulty.]
My (other) advice? Watch Disney’s Beauty and the Beast (as a couple, ideally). See how Belle must find the courage within herself to contend with someone who has been made savage and bitter by a curse that came with previous misguided behavior/interaction. See how the monster’s trusted housemates curb his hostile behavior to impress someone who has the courage to face him. Note how the savage beast is capable of change…with what is supposed to be unconditional, enduring love, though the ending is rather brief and vague, as most fairy tales seem to be. But, the message is there (sort of). It’s support and courage that tear down the defensive, frightful walls, turning the monster into a reasonably charming prince who knows how to dance.
CONCERN #2: PARTNER’S LOW SELF-ESTEEM
Now, back to the matter of low self-esteem. You say you give constant reassurance. But, if that does not sit well with him, it is likely he has heard plenty of flattering words, in his lifetime, without action to back them. The wound is so deep, any attempt to reassure him verbally results in a beastly response.
[I’ve received plenty of praise from authoritative figures who just as easily turn around and present complaints, which counter the praise and create sufficient confusion and distrust. Worse, the one who offers praise takes action to make what was praised seem pointless, worthless. Why did they change what was said to be sufficient or great? This is another form of mousetrap (like the one you find yourself in when you try to reassure and draw out more effort from your husband). The “cheese” is a deception to him; he might be good today but is sure to be told he is bad tomorrow. And, rather than go through the process of explaining why, he responds bitterly.]
Thus, you cannot merely TELL him he is good. You need to prove it. What good comes of what he does? Do you respond more affectionately? Do others make more generous offers when he makes a certain effort (versus when he does little or nothing)? And, what good comes of his effort must be enduring; it has to last to earn his trust and faith. If anything alters his belief in the good he has done, he will revert to his miserable ways.
Avoid complimenting him, before or after providing evidence. [Do not say, “See? You did great.” Or, “You’re good at this!”] He likely doesn’t want to feel like a handicapped person in a wheelchair being told he can walk if he only gets out of that chair. But, if you give him a visually positive response to something he does well (including taking proper care of himself), he will hopefully flip a switch in his brain and accept the “compliment.” A memorable smile or kind offering of a favored snack/treat can make a decent impression, can convey the proper message. [Though, you should be mindful of this rewarded-behavior system and avoid using the same reward for every instance; he might expect (a/the same) treat, like a child or pet, every time he does something. And, if he doesn’t get it, he could return to his previous unpleasant behavior.]
Wear some outfit he likes (responds well to) to let him know you are pleased with something he did. And, flip that if you are unhappy; wear something you know he doesn’t like. If he says something, express your discontent and make it clear you dressed that way for that reason and wish to have a more serious talk with him about whatever is the problem.
[But, you say trying to have any talk is a hazard/challenge. And, if we listen to advice from certain columnists, the only alternative is professional, outside input. Yet, if YOUR talk, as the loving partner, isn’t sufficient, no matter how you try, is any other talk going to make a difference? Am I wasting my own time and energy trying to voice and instill some positive change?]
If you approve of something, show him how. If he is down on himself about his appearance, either ignore the complaint or try joking about his horrible face will scare away the villagers, try a touch of humor and see if that doesn’t improve his mood. And, if it fails, be prepared to comfort him.
[That’s about the best I can offer on that matter. Other than this, you must let him naturally find a better outlook rather than push him toward self-approval; let him see his concerns are faulty and maybe, occasionally, point out how no one expressed displeasure with his presentation. You don’t need to need to slap a verbal or emotional bandage on his self-deprecating behavior. But, if you cannot tolerate his miserable state, do something to improve it. What activity can you two share to take his mind off what troubles only him? And, where might you two go where he won’t feel so bad about himself?]
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Permit me to pause and ask a vital question. Was his self-esteem as low when you agreed to marry? Often enough, something is amiss before there is even an agreement to get married. Or, something changes the moment a child enters the situation; rather than expressing concern for being able to be a good parent or leaving you as a single parent, he withdraws into a state of self-loathing and insufficient action. Did you think you could “change him?”
Did he change shortly after having a child? If the answer is “yes,” then you have your answer…or, AN answer. He is not prepared to be a more adequate father. He is not happy with being given that responsibility. And, likely, his response is to do little or nothing and hope you will cover everything….which, eventually, is sure to ruin the relationship, whether he sees it or not. The therapy needed here is not concern for the marriage; it’s about feeling fit to parent. And, part of that comes from what happened between you two in the process of having a child. Too often, children are born hastily, without adequate preparation (and conversation). [I could write a whole other “novel” about what and why people do in the “heat of the moment.”]
I, myself, am not a parent and cannot adequately convey more from that position. I can only express how unfit I would feel, presently, if I was a parent because I admit my parents were not likely fit to be my parents (nor the parents of my siblings). And, I am fairly aware of certain in-laws having unfit parents, parents who did not “raise them right,” because I see how they act as parents and how the children respond.
Perhaps, instead of addressing the quality of his contributions and/or self-care, address the matter of raising/caring for your children. DOES he feel unfit to be a good/better father, and, if so, why? [Asking why is better or more to-the-point than telling him his contribution is insufficient, offering false praise and/or allowing him to wallow in self-pity.] What can you two do to improve that outlook and his contribution? What does he expect to happen if nothing improves? Although, that last question might instill fear and/or more resentment.
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If this is not enough, consult someone you both know and trust, if that person exists. [Which, these days, seems less and less likely…and rather sad.]
And, if that’s not possible, agree upon a professional to consult for ADVICE, not expecting a solution or set of directions but some insight which might alter your perspectives and allow you both to come to more agreeable terms of cooperation. [Do NOT see separate therapists or have only one spouse see a therapist “because they have a problem.”] And, give that trial of professional therapy a limit. If you do not improve the situation within an agreed upon amount of time, end the sessions; do not go on paying too much for something not helping.
Ultimately, if you cannot reason with your partner, and if action cannot speak as loudly or louder than words, you will have to part with him and figure out what becomes of any children you both have. Even if it feels like you are doing everything alone, you came into the relationship as an individual, and you may have to leave it as one. That may sound as frightening as being told you’re a new parent.
Now then…you can mail a check to me whenever you feel fit and able to do so. 😛
I rest my case (I think…which could change if I give this more of my time and thought). But, my mailbox remains open.
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