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Response to (Anonymous) Wife of Intolerant Husband Who Hates Pixie Haircuts
Original column titled: Husband says he can’t be sexually attracted to spouse with pixie haircut (by Carolyn Hax)
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[You can find my other responses to various advice columns by clicking the page link/tab above. Normally, I’d go through the process of adding this to that list. But, right now, it’s not a top priority. But, I’ll still post these as they spring from my emotional core.]
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The Anonymous wife says she doesn’t know what to do about her husband’s demanding behavior, regarding her own hair. She wants to vary its length to help cope with changing seasons/temperatures. Her otherwise long hair is too hot in summer months. Her husband blatantly refuses to be intimate with her when/while she has short hair, claiming it’s not an attractive look on her. The couple has already dealt with a previous threat of divorce and therapy, with a strong focus on the dispute over the wife’s hair.
Carolyn Hax analyzes contexts of dialogue, including a possible concern for feminism. But, specifically, in this woman’s case, the options for action are not made clear. She ends with suggesting the wife should simply say she is uncomfortable with the situation.
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Carolyn! Carolyn! What are you even saying?! I thought I was getting knee-deep in Shakespeare. I’m not sure if you are looking for a legal (lawsuit) angle or trying to gauge the wife’s need for a divorce. You go to great lengths to say very little and leave me fairly confused. I’d say you were scrambling to fill space. [You could have stopped at “We either accept it or leave.” That, I fear, is how this case resolves if friendship and/or love between two spirits isn’t sufficient.]
How is the wife supposed to decode all of that? I sure cannot. And, I don’t think anyone needs “sweet sorrow” in this or any case. Juliet is having hot flashes and wants to cut her hair. Romeo is being hard-nosed about his affections and holding a dagger etched with the word DIVORCE. Why does this have to become a courtroom thing or some psychological textbook?
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Oh, fair anonymous wife with no clue what to do about her husband. Fair thee well to your long hair. Cut it as you will…with the understanding that sir husband will not be intimate with you until it returns to a longer length (that is if he can wait). Accept his conditional love and your freedom to do with your hair as you feel right in doing. Surely, a loveless season can still be enjoyed as a couple who truly loves each other. Love is not just sex.
If that is not possible…if he threatens to divorce over the hair, then I question the nature and roots of this relationship. Do you mean to say you never had short hair all the time you were with this man before marriage? [Just to be clear, I said BEFORE marriage. I know you mentioned a previous divorce/therapy situation DURING the marriage.] If you did, how did he not make it clear, then, that he didn’t accept it? Did you just laugh and dismiss his disapproval? How did he agree to marry or propose, knowing he had a fussy outlook on your hair?
Keep this in mind, regardless what you may read or do. If he is this upset over short hair, what would he do if you had to shave your head or lost some of that lovely long hair? If you had a certain scary illness and had to lose your hair, would that send him running, never to return? If he cannot be a loving husband with you as a bald woman, then, I guess, the marriage needs to be ended. The previous divorce threat was not resolved; it was just suppressed.
I like to say…a true evaluation of marriage potential is to ask yourself a number of questions regarding how your partner might change and if you could accept those changes/differences. I’ve heard people mention trying to imagine your partner’s worse flaw being ten times worse than it is now as the true test of one’s feelings. I’d say it’s good to work through some of those BEFORE marriage. In the case of a someone’s hair, when you are “dating,” have the person alter their hairstyle a few ways to see how that affects your feelings.
In my case, does the woman I am with look as nice with her hair up and down? If it’s so much of a concern, should I still be with this woman? Perhaps, instead, I need to ask myself if my love runs deeper than the woman’s appearance. Do I love her spirit, her soul, more than I care about her appearance?
That’s the true measure, the scales, of love.
[I suppose I’d personally find this uncomfortable if pressured to do so; I’m rather sensitive about my thinning hair (and the condition/quality of my hair, in general). So, I suggest a more suggestive or wait-and-see approach than coming right out and telling someone to shave their head.]
Also, ask yourself this question. What about HIS hair? Are you, in any way, affected by the condition of his hair? Are you just as content with him fully haired, balding or bald?
[Maybe you two should both shave your heads and have a little bald-couple therapy (session).]
[And, perish the thought, what if even intimacy was disabled? What if conventional sex was no longer an option because of some accident/handicap? Would that ice the love you two should be sharing?]
Let me share a few personal memories/examples.
I once had a female friend who became very close to me at a very young age. I truly wish I had the chance to marry her; but that didn’t happen. When I first met her, she had some of the most beautiful, long, brown hair (and a twinkling smile that could ignite any heart). Not many years later, she had it all cut off, leaving her with an unattractive shrub-cut. Now, keep in mind, I was only 8 or 9, having this reaction. And, I put up with the lousy haircut for a number of years because I truly loved the girl (though I could never say it, due to peer pressure). When we graduated elementary school together, she had finally adopted a change of styles, one I favored and thought was so mature for her. Alas, she began dating someone else, told me we were “just friends” one last time and drifted away. [Well, at least, it became too difficult for me to remain friends with someone dating someone else–when my feelings for her ran so deep–among other changes that happened. When she stopped contacting me; I stopped trying to contact her.]
At a previous job, I met and fell in love with a sassy, witty woman who had dazzling, pale blonde hair; I assumed it was natural and adored the cut and length. A few years later, she cut it horribly short. I did not approve but did my best to accept her decision. We were not in a relationship and not exactly close; but I wished we were (closer). One thing that kept us apart was her smoking. [I cannot hope to marry someone who is a smoker; it’s a family curse/burden.] Another was her concern over the age difference; she felt too old for me. Ironically, she gave up the smoking soon after agreeing to marry some other guy.
In either case, had we been in the relationship I desired, I would have put up with the short hair; but I would be clear that my attraction is affected. I would not be as inclined to be sexually intimate with her while she displayed the shorter, unattractive hair. [I’d still be intimate with sharing my feelings and doing my best to be a supportive friend/partner.] I am not sure that would come to divorce proceedings, though. Instead, I’d look for activities we could still share that would, potentially, improve our mood or crack the walls of my disapproval, so we still could be intimate if the spark reappeared. I’d discuss other possible hairstyles which might be just as short but more appealing (and outfits to pair with the short hairdo that would perk my interest/mood). I’ve been known to apply humor where and when I can; sometimes you can still have fun with another person, even though you’re not exactly “in the mood” all of the time. [Remember, even in marriage, love isn’t just passion; it’s the best of friendships and teamwork.]
I recall a third woman I once met online, who looked great with her hair down. …Buuuut, when she wore it in a ponytail or bun, suddenly I noticed her ears and something inexplicably strange about her face. I was less attracted, based upon the arrangement of her hair (and the haunting image of a former nemesis seen in her face), leaving me concerned about pursuing the relationship. I cringed at the thought of telling her what was stopping me (and, thus, never said anything). I guess it was safer for me to see the sign(s) and move away than get involved and deal with the consequences. Yet, I let her appearance get in the way of learning enough about her as a person. Maybe, had I tried harder, I would have discovered her friendship was more precious than her varying looks.
A fourth (coincidental) case involves a woman I met online who first showed me a picture of herself with a pixie haircut. My first response was to say she looked like Harry Potter. That…didn’t go over well. I admitted I am not fond of short haircuts…at least, not often. [Face matters; hair, though a big attraction, merely complements the face. And, I am partial to women with lush, long hair.] But, the more time I spent communicating with the foreigner, the more I liked her. Eventually, I didn’t care much what sort of hair she had, as long as she didn’t do something shockingly unnatural and we were happy together. [Talk of plastic surgery and diet extremes were quickly shunned.] Unfortunately, events unfolded which eroded my feelings and eventually took her from me, spoiling any chance of a lasting relationship. But, because of her, I began developing a new appreciation for women with short hair and sorting out what styles were more or less attractive, figuring out what appeals to and what repels me. [And, that brought me back to the importance of the face and the spirit within, which should radiate from the face.]
Now, if I wanted to cut down my slant on Carolyn’s advice to the shortest of texts, I’d simply say divorce seems likely. And, yes, the crust of the case is superficial, quite possibly implying that your husband married a photograph, a centerfold; not a spirit he cherished.
Though I don’t know you two well enough, what seems clear is that this haircut decision is not intended to irk the man. You are not cutting your hair to “poke the hornet nest.” Right? It is for your well-being, not vanity or spite. He should understand your discomfort and how greater comfort would make being intimate easier on you both…unless he gets some strange arousal out of you being sweaty and miserable.
[I once told a woman not to get a breast reduction because she was blessed with…well, an amazing bosom. I applauded nature and thought I was being respectful instead of vain and/or superficial. I was also concerned how the operation might fail or scar her…and if subsequent operations would be requested when/if she felt the first was insufficient. She felt–for whatever reason–uncomfortable with her chest, though she proceed to flaunt and mess with my mind; she is the sort who asks for consent and then does something, anyway, even if anyone objects. I applaud her audacity/tenacity, but it didn’t improve our relationship, which never fully blossomed.]
If there is any hope of retaining the relationship, you two SHOULD be able to reach a compromise that doesn’t feel like a jail sentence. The situation should not be tense or require a paperwork handshake. If you feel like you might need to call a crisis hotline, then I suspect the situation is very tense.
Is there ANY chance you two could enjoy doing things together that would not necessarily be intimate but just as enjoyable in more friendly way? If you’re not couch potatoes, GET OUTSIDE! Embrace nature. Fool around at the beach or in a forest/park setting. Retreat to your youth, rejuvenate and recall what it’s like to just have fun together, again. [You two DO know how to have fun together; right? Not just bump body parts and get overheated?]
And, is there ANY chance you could make your husband understand that your hair will vary in length and style to suit your needs (not just his) while still being the same supportive, loving, fun person he married x-number of years ago? [I know it might seem like a pointless question…but I’ll ask it, again, if necessary, to get back to the roots of the matter.] Could you page through a selection of short hairstyles, compare opinions and come to a happy compromise, finding one you both accept and can enjoy?
[I have a sister who has had some lousy short haircuts over the years. She used to have such nice long hair. I only wish I had a suggestion for her; but, in my family, countering one’s decision is too often the recipe for painful dispute. So, I must just “grin and bear it” when I am with her, rather than ruin the precious time we get to spend together.]
If not, then you know the painful deed that must be done. There’s no use putting a bandage on it and waiting more years to deal with it. You never needed an advice columnist’s opinion (or mine). We don’t know you two well enough to make a better assessment than you already have. You just need a sympathetic friend to hold you steady as you make the seemingly difficult move.
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